Naima B. Robert – LIVE SHOW Mothers Raising Men an Impossible Feat
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AI: Transcript ©
Hey,
guys.
Good evening for those of you
that it's evening.
Good afternoon to all those of you who
it's afternoon.
Good morning to those where it's morning,
and hopefully not good night just yet.
Thank you so much for being here.
I see,
Lanta in the house. Masha'Allah.
Kenya's in the building. UK's in the building.
Represent. Yes.
Lovely to have you all here. It's great
to see so many of you on live.
Looking forward to this inshallah, but even though
it will be a good
good, good conversation inshallah.
So
I wanna get started,
with our topic today, Insha Allah. But before
I begin,
I would like to firstly,
just make dua for a dear friend of
mine who lost her son today.
Her and her husband
lost their son, who was 18 years old
today.
One of those
well, wait. They call them freak things, don't
they?
Completely unexpected.
Illness came in, and within 3 days, he
had returned to his lord.
I,
am very
I'm still in shock,
and,
we are devastated.
And I'm sure you can imagine
how difficult this is for the family. So
I ask everyone of you
to please
make dua for him and make dua for
them.
And
may Allah allow us to have a fruitful
conversation,
tonight, one that is beneficial,
one that has, you know, insights that we
that we can benefit from that
counts for us,
in our scales.
So thank you all of you, Insha Allah,
as you come in, please do make dua
for them.
Appreciate you all. We've got Lagos in the
building.
Lagos. Yes.
Who else have we got? UAE.
Trinidad and Tobago.
Nice. Ibadan in Nigeria.
Nice to have you all here.
Now
remember that this is,
it's a call in show,
so it's open.
We have a topic. Yes. We do. We
have a topic that we're going to,
address.
And,
it's going to
be kind of what we what launches us,
I guess.
We have a post that I wanted to
share with you.
And, we're gonna read the post first, and
then we're going to open up the lines
for people to, to come to come on
and share their views.
It's open for brothers and sisters, guys. You
can anyone of you can come on and
share. I think it's important
in a topic like this to have, you
know,
that diverse tier voices. It shouldn't just be
sisters talking about this, because even though we're
talking about mothers,
you know, we mothers and their sons means
that sons are implicated. Right?
Sons are involved in this, and,
the relationship between a mother and her son
and women raising men is also related to,
you know, the men of the future and
the men of today.
Okay? So that's the reason why we're we're
looking at it.
So I want to,
I'm going to put the,
the link to join in the chat
so that those of you who are have,
like, come here ready to
ready to put,
you know, ready to share your view, you'll
be able to do so. And I'm going
to try my best to share
the,
share this this,
this post. Right? It's from my
my home page.
And in fact,
not all of it is on the home
page, actually.
So I should,
I should actually go into sharing from my
phone as well. So,
as you can see,
healthy boundaries,
men and mothers
is the the title of this this series
of, of photos.
And so I'm gonna read it out to
you. I'll only be able to read from
the first,
the first page, the rest I have on
my phone. So I'll read it out to
you.
So, if we can all just listen to,
you know, the the what's starting us off,
I guess.
And then we can pick it up from
there. So
the post says, I vividly recall as a
kid driving around running errands with my mom.
She taught me a lot of lessons on
those drives, but the one that stuck with
me the most was telling me about my
role as a husband.
When you get married someday, your wife and
children will always come first.
They are your family.
Everyone else is a relative,
including me and your dad.
The post continues,
and he says, when I got married,
I took this as a given. My wife
and I have certainty that our we have
certainly had our fair share of marital issues,
but having our in laws interfere in our
marriage has never been one of them. I
drew that line early
on, and I stuck to it.
I didn't know to be grateful for this
lesson from my mom until years later.
But as I get more insight and exposure
to the issues many marriages face, I'm shocked
at how often the issue of men
not cutting the cord with their mothers arises
as a source of marital strife.
This is the important part.
I believe that ideally, as a young boy
starts going through puberty,
the mother son relationship
should slowly transition from parent child
to that of a friend confidant.
Puberty is the time for a young man
to begin testing himself,
to take sojourns into the real world and
begin to figure out who he is apart
from his role as a child.
The first relationship his instincts will tell him
to cut off will be the relationship with
his mother,
his protector, his nurturer.
He doesn't want to be nurtured anymore.
He wants to test himself.
It is normal and healthy adolescence.
Momma's be sweating right now.
Right? Put in the chat, guys, if you
know what I'm talking about.
If mothers insist
check this out, guys, if mothers insist on
being overbearing,
protective,
lecturing,
then one of 2 outcomes will take place.
1,
he will aggressively cut his mom out of
his life
and resort to dangerous behavior
in order to prove himself to himself.
As a mother,
if you smother him, if you lecture him,
all that means is that you'll have no
influence
whatsoever.
Or 2,
he will fold
underneath the pressure from his mother,
never test himself,
and,
ultimately, never believe in himself.
He won't respect himself
because he hasn't earned his own respect.
And the women he wants in his life,
a a wife, a partner, will have a
very hard time respecting a man who doesn't
respect himself.
Now if there is a father present, the
teenage years are when the presence of a
man as the parent are so crucial.
As a mother, breaking off this relationship is
indeed difficult.
Make no mistake. This same separation occurs between
sons and fathers as well.
It's just that our time comes along a
few years later.
So it goes on now into,
how to set boundaries in your life, and
maybe we will go into that inshallah.
But I wanna skip to,
the the bit where he asks mothers to
ask themselves questions. Right? And the questions he
invites us as mothers to ask ourselves is,
is what I'm doing for my son what's
best for him,
or am I doing this for me?
How will my future daughter-in-law
view me as a mother?
Will she be grateful for how I've raised
him or resentful?
Moms,
at some point, the best thing you can
do for any boy is to take off
the training wheels and force them to learn
the to ride the bike on their own.
It's the only way they're going to learn
that they're capable of being their own man.
Modern society can make whatever claims it wants,
but every boy's journey to manhood
requires this process of learning that they're capable
of handling life themselves
no matter what's thrown at them.
They can't do this if they're still attached
to mommy.
If you have a son who doesn't want
to detach,
then as a mother,
you need to be the one who pushes
him out into the world to test himself.
Many women have trust issues with men. Check
this out, guys. This is deep. This is
deep. I thought this was so deep. Sorry,
guys. Give me give me a in the
chat if any of this is resonating in
any way.
Just drop a in the comments, right, if
any of this is kind of landing.
Many women have trust issues with men. They're
either divorced and alone,
or they stay with a man who doesn't
meet their needs,
and they project their needs onto their son.
I'm gonna say that bit again.
They're either divorced and alone,
or they stay with a man who doesn't
meet their needs,
and they project their needs onto their son.
She trusts her son.
She knows her son
won't hurt her.
Now unintentionally,
this stifles her son's growth and holds him
back from going and creating a life for
himself with his own wife.
Her decisions are her decisions.
It's this is now the messages to the
men. Right? Your mother's decisions are her decisions.
It's not your job to postpone your life
and alienate your family to compensate for what
your mother lacks.
Encourage her
and help her find someone she can live
her life with as her partner.
It's your job to be your mother's son.
It's not your job to be her husband.
Okay.
I think I'm gonna stop it there because
in that post,
so many of the issues that I posted
about
are encapsulated.
The whole issue of mommies, boys,
of son husbands,
of single women raising boys, and the challenges
that, that that arise.
Of course, the issues between mothers in law
and, you know, and the the the incoming
daughter-in-law, the rivalry,
you know, the the the trust and and
pouring
into the son
the affection
that is not being poured into the husband.
There's a lot, guys. There's a lot, but
I'm not really here to talk. I'm here
to give you guys space to talk. So
let me let, some of the people into
the stream.
Abu Moad, you were here first. 1st and
foremost, what are your thoughts on the post,
or did any of it resonate with you?
Did you agree with any of it? Did
you think any of it was absolute nonsense?
What are your thoughts?
Abu Mo'ad, you're in.
Okay. You're you're in, but you're muted, which
means we can't,
we can't, we can't
we can't,
yeah, we can't give you the floor if
you are muted. So unmute and then come
back. Sis Malihah,
what are your thoughts, sis?
Agree? Disagree?
What are you what are you what are
you where what are you coming with?
Okay.
So a lot of it, yes, definitely resonated
with me. I'm raising
3 boys,
and I've it not only just experienced what
you're talking about, but also have seen it
in other
sisters who have raised boys. And I've said
to myself, hold on. Hold on. That's not
the role of a son, you know, when
it comes to,
taking over or
sharing so much of your emotional
needs with your son that it becomes like
you are using
that child
as
having a husband instead. Right? That support that
you get from your husband, the strong support,
the understanding. And that's not okay because your
son may be 14. Teen. Maybe they're 20.
They're not ready for that. They're not ready
for that type of
they're not ready to give you the emotional
needs that you need. You're maybe putting them
through some sort of trauma.
Right?
Bring them into a world that they do
not have
full understanding or experience. Right? Opening them up
to something that they might not be ready
for.
So definitely those things all resonate with me.
And,
the part that you spoke about
how
when your son
reaches a certain age of maturity, they need
to disconnect with you in a healthy way.
I think I'm going through that right now
on our side. Isn't it? Yeah. It's very
tough. It's tough. Side because one of my
boys,
is away to college.
Okay. And this is the first one. Even
though he's the second son, my oldest one
decided to stay home.
He look Right? I'm thinking
even though I'm saying to myself, it probably
would be better if he was on his
own because then he'll be more independent. But
then
on the on the real comfort level,
I'm glad that he's not. But when it
comes to my second one and he's off
to college
and he comes back every month,
and when he does,
I am really overjoyed to see him. But
when he leaves,
there's this, like, ache in my heart. Because,
you know, your children are are apart. They're
like they make up that little puzzle of
heart that you have inside of you. One
piece gets taken out.
You never
ever
feel whole again. Yeah. And I'm starting to
realize what my mother has gone through, what
other mothers have gone through. And I'm thinking
to myself, Hannah, these women are really strong.
Because look at me. I'm, like, breaking, and
it's not even, like, he's not even in
a different state.
He's with good people.
He's growing. He's learning. He's becoming
the person that I've always wanted. Right?
And yet it it aches. Right? It aches
because it's a part of you.
Mhmm. But it it definitely, it's healthy for
them
to move on. And you have to, as
a mother,
when your children, especially your boys, because they
will get up and leave,
you must replace
what you've had with them with something
to keep you not just occupied,
but to keep you
advancing, learning.
Right? Giving.
Nurturing other people. So now right after I
my son left for college, I didn't go
out and look for a job.
But I kept on making du'a and saying,
please, You Allah, make this transition
good and easy.
And Yeah. Allow me to to be there
for my other kids and not, you know,
just ignore them. And, like,
he he just placed
a a a position on my lap. Like,
it was just like and I'm now nurturing
other little kids. So you're always nurturing. Right?
You're always nurturing and teaching
and learning and growing.
And even though, he came over this weekend
and then he left on on Monday you
know, Tuesday, I went to work for a
few hours and I it was like I
was your heart is aching because your child
just left.
But when I when I was teaching, you
know, Quran and Islamic studies to these little
girls,
like, Allah knows how to
take care of your gentle heart. Do you
know what I mean? He just does. You
need. Yeah. He knows what you need. He
knows when you need it. You just have
to connect with him and just be honest
and ask for help. That's it. You know?
So Yeah.
Definitely, raising boys is not easy, but
and raising men is is so important in
this world because
most of the men in this world, like,
they're not
leaders. They're not what
hope them to be. They're not
the examples that Allah
would be happy with. They're not
the Sahabas that were around them or the
companions that were around them. Right? We want
those type of men in the world.
And isn't it interesting actually what I what
I found to be really
difficult as a mother is this idea that
mothers
parent differently to fathers. Right? And our instinct
is to protect, is to comfort, is to
nurture, is to to cuddle. Right? And
particularly
when there is not a male figure
involved in that boy's life,
You know, I I even saw this within
myself. I said,
this must be one of the reasons why
boys who are raised only by mothers face
certain challenges. Right? Because our instinct instinct is
to protect them, right, is to to we
don't want them to get hurt. We don't
want them to take risks. Really, we'd rather
keep them safe. It's that whole thing of,
you know, when the mother and father take
the child to the playground,
the father is, like, allowing the kid to
do some crazy climbing on some crazy thing,
and the mom's like, what are you doing?
Bring him down. He's gonna fall. You know,
and the father's encouraging him to risk and
try it, and and if he falls, to
take the consequence of that. Whereas the mother
is like, no no no no no no
no no. Just just bring him down here
where he's safe, where I can make sure
that he's okay. And I I saw that
in my own parenting of my son,
where
he would do something with school, for example,
maybe not given a piece of schoolwork or
something like that. And my instinct was to
make it okay.
Right? Is is to to kind of to
to make it okay somehow. Right? To to
turn to turn it into something that he
wouldn't feel bad about. And I had to
stop for a minute and say, hold on
a minute.
If his dad was here,
his dad would be dealing with this very
differently. And
his right now, he needs dad energy. Right?
He because he he's messed up. Right? He's
messed up.
I know that he's messed up, but I
don't want him to feel the consequences of
his messing up. I wanna protect him from
the consequences.
Whereas, what he really needs is, you know,
this is what happened, this is what you
did, This is the consequence. Suck it up.
Just like his dad would have said. Right.
SubhanAllah.
Right. So, no, SubhanAllah, you're you're totally right.
Like, in my journey of homeschooling my boys,
in the past 20 decade 20 years must
have been a journey. Wow. It was a
journey.
I have to say, even though I can
say I'm the one who homeschooled them. Right?
I'm the one who chose
to put them in boy scouts. I'm the
one who chose to put them in martial
arts. I'm the one who chose to put
them in certain things that I felt were
were good for them, for their development.
There were points and times where I would
say, well, you have to go overnight?
Like,
wait a minute. You have to use an
ax, or can't you just do this instead?
Because
like you said, it's our it's our nurturing
part. It's
our compassionate part, our caring part, our our
womb that wants to just protect them. And
my husband would say,
what's wrong with it? Of course. What what
did you think he was going to do?
Right?
This is where we were reaching up to.
Yeah. And so
I realized that he would balance me out.
I would always want to nurture. I would
always want to take care of. I would
always want to make sure that he's okay.
And sometimes
Yeah. You need to let them deal with
it. Right? Like you said, if they've messed
up, if they fell down, they need to
pick themselves up and brush it off and
and keep going. And you don't you can't
butt in and and say, oh my gosh.
Can I do this? Can I do that?
No. Okay. Make it okay. You cannot make
it okay all the time. And I think
through the
raising your kids slowly, you need to pull
yourself away.
You you're you're This is the hard part
is the You're there for them when they're
little. That's fine. But
as they get older, as they reach puberty,
as they become
and as they become older and they want
their own space, you need, as a mother,
to realize that you need to pull yourself
away a little bit. Zip it. Walk away.
Go in your room if you have to
cry and feel bad for him, but don't
let him see you do that. Right?
If you want him to become a man,
that's what you must do. Mhmm. Right? Now
if you want him to be,
what people say, a mama's boy, I guess
you just go on with what you've been
doing. No one is there, like a policeman,
like your father your husband,
to say, hey. Don't do that.
That's not how you do it. Exactly. That's
the thing, isn't it? And, yeah, and I'm
definitely we're gonna go into, you know, the
whole mama's boy thing a lot more. I
have had a really fascinating conversation with the
sister about Desy parenting.
Right? And the the the relationship
between many
Desi mothers and their sons, their boys. Right?
And kind of how
that relationship
of, you know, taking care of your every
need,
you know, basically putting you first as a
son. Right? The mother putting the son first
in her life and doing everything for him
and and
really getting a lot of her fulfillment out
of serving him and making sure that he's
okay,
how that impacts his relationship with his father,
how it impacts his relationship with her, and
how it impacts his relationship with his wife
and also her relationship with his wife.
But sis, I wanna bring this brother in,
Abu Ma'ad. I think he he might be
able to to speak now insha'Allah.
So,
so we can hear the man's perspective on
what you just highlighted, inshallah. That's okay.
Brother. Abu Muad.
Can you hear me?
Yes. Welcome back. How are you?
I'm good.
For have me on, and,
Yeah.
I really appreciate it.
That's alright. So thoughts on the post, first
and foremost? Anything that resonated? Anything that you
disagreed with?
What's that? The one where you was reading
out? Yeah.
You know, I was listening to it. There
was so much stuff that was people just,
like, going in and then just going over
results. So it's a bit of a it's
a bit of a problem, but I felt
like Marshall, that was it was proper. It
was proper because
you can hear. It's an isn't it's not
it wasn't easy, but at the same time,
there was levels behind and a deeper understanding.
Because especially with the
mom
and child, but the son in particular
Yeah.
I think, SubhanAllah, because
from what I've seen personally and, obviously, I'm
not the standard of anything. You know? If
I didn't say already,
I'm I'm not gonna say I'm the standard.
I've just obviously, it's just, like, from my
perspective,
how I've lived my life, what I've seen.
Mhmm. You know? So, again, it's not to
say that I'm correct or,
you know, I'm I'm standard, but
the point is is that, you know, a
lot of times, it's like you you get
that connection. The daddy's girl, mommy's boy. You
know, the mom, she's always protecting the the
son. Always protecting the boys that, no. Don't
touch
my son. But Yeah. The the the father
will be that, don't don't touch my daughter,
whatever the the daughter wants. And it's it's
not just
it's irrespective of Muslim,
non Muslim,
black, white, everybody. Yeah? Mhmm.
But,
you know, at the end of the day,
from our rich tradition
and
from Islam, we can see
in previous times,
there was,
stories in which you can see where
single
mothers raised funds. You know?
And, you know, before I say anything, may
Allah
bless all the single mothers and make it
easy for them in whatever situations there are,
whether they,
they've been,
widowed by the husband or the husband's left
them, you know, because
no doubt, I think it's a very tough
job in and of itself to raise 1
child, let alone,
no. It's a tough job to raise children
in a 2 parent house, let alone a
single parent house. You know? So Mhmm. That's
not something,
to belittle. And to be honest, I don't
wanna come out like a public enemy as
well because I can't lie. For me, I'm
I'm gonna get into it, inshallah, if you
if I'm given the opportunity, inshallah. But
we've got we've got we've got, like, even
the
I think until
he was even 7 or 10,
he his his mother was a single parent,
you know Mhmm. Which was custom in and
of itself. We didn't get the full opportunity
to see how she would parent him, but
Adam, at that time, she would give him
to his uncles, his grandfather, you know, he'd
still be around men. But other other more
vivid examples that we have
in in in, like, our Muslim tradition is,
like,
Imam Bukhari,
you know. His mom was a single mom
for some time,
you know, due to the fact that the
father died at a young age. And the
best one I can think of is Imam
Malik, you know, and and his mother. You
know? And what what does she do
when, you know,
it's because those times, I know it's a
bit different because, obviously, you've got men in
the masjid teaching. You know, that's, like, one
of the main community hubs
and other places as well. But, you know,
she gave them to the she gave them
to the Yeah. She gave him to the
chef, and she instructed him. Teach my son
manners before you teach him knowledge, you know.
Mhmm. It was like, you know, we we've
got a tradition, and it's it's tough because,
especially, in this society as well, you you
know, there's so much things that's going on,
what you want for your sons, and this
and that.
But, unfortunately, I've seen it firsthand,
and it happens a lot of times,
where it's like the mom just gives too
much love to the child,
especially the son.
And, subhanallah, it backfires in a way that
you you could never even imagine to the
point where maybe even the the the son
starts to resent the mom. You know?
I have I have a question for you
on that, if you don't mind. Can I
just may I jump in here? Yeah.
I would like to hear your
your your your view on this. And, of
course, in the comments, guys, let me
know. Just as you mentioned about the, you
know, the the mother putting in all this
love to the children in general. Right?
I remember a sister who, you know, shared
her story with us. I think it was
in the comments.
And she was talking about how there had
been,
I can't remember how she ended up in
a situation where she was parenting her children
solo. Right? But she was saying how she
did
everything for them. Right? She got a second
she got jobs. She made sure they didn't
lack anything, they had everything they wanted,
she she made sure she provided them with
absolutely everything, she did everything for them, and
she detailed how she would go to work,
and then when she came home she would
cook, she would clean, she would do all
of this stuff, and get her kids through
school.
And by the time she was writing,
her children were all in their late teens,
early twenties,
and
the relationship was dreadful.
They
they
resented her.
They took her completely for granted. In fact,
like you said, they were they they were
actually angry with her. And anytime she would
try to say, look at what I've done
for you, look at how I've basically sacrificed
my whole life for you, they were like,
so what? That's your job. You're a mom.
That's what you're supposed to do. And and
she was in the she was in the
state where she was
She had died. Rudely.
And she questioned all her life choices because
she's like, I spoiled my kids
because I felt so bad for them that
they only had me.
Right? That I I spoiled them to the
point where they don't have gratitude,
they don't respect me.
I gave them everything I had to give,
and I gave them basically the wrong things.
Do you think that single parents or specifically
single mothers can tend to try to overcompensate
for the fact that they're on their own
by kind of, I don't know, pouring too
much into the kids? Is it possible to
do too much for your kids?
Un unfortunately. And, again, let me just clarify
that. I don't have children, so I don't
know how it feels and, you know,
I get that opportunity, but I don't know
how it feels and haven't experienced it. But,
alhamdulillah, I've been around a lot of people,
including my own family, but a lot of
brothers I've been around. And I've actually seen
children grow and still seeing them grow like
my nephew and nieces, like, brother's children that
I know. So, alhamdulillah, I've got some type
of experience in terms of seeing
how people different people function in families. And
to be honest,
I've never seen a situation where,
you know, like and Allah knows best. I've
never seen a situation where
a single mom in particular, but even a
mom in
a father in a marriage, yeah,
overcompensates
for,
like, their child or that,
like, it's too linear with the child, especially
the boys, except that it just goes left
and south.
I I've never I've never seen that. You
know? So okay. Hold on. Let me just
clarify. So what you're saying is you've never
seen a situation where they overcompensate
except that it goes badly. So you have
to see that situation. It always goes badly.
And it always goes bad. It always goes
bad. I can't recollect the time where I've
seen this a situation where,
like,
a a mother has overcompensated,
and, you know, she just so like, if
the child does something, it's okay. This is
the it's never gone right. You know? And
even even even
what the story that you're saying,
like, I've seen that happen to moms and,
subhanallah, it's even more severe than what you're
saying, I. E. They get to the point
where they're suicidal,
you know, which is, subhanallah, is very severe.
But
they're thinking to themselves and that's why I
was thinking, subhanallah, this is actually mine. Because
they're thinking to themselves, how is it possible
that I've done everything under the sun for
this child, for my children?
Obviously,
giving birth to you initially. Mhmm. But in
general, giving you the love, affection. You know,
them days you don't even know when you
was ill. Them days you don't even know
when it was raining and I took you
to school, and then now you're like this.
You know? And
for me, it's like,
is so imperative. You know? Like, this day
and
age, we we we're going for a mass,
mass issue of
in debt in general, ingratitude to our last
before anything, but ingratitude to people that,
you know,
have given us things or people that deserve
gratitude. You know? Subhanallah. And, obviously, the first
of all, said,
the one the one who's not grateful to
the people that the the gratitude's kind of
invalid. Like, it's not you're not grateful to
Allah. Yeah. You understand?
So,
you know, but for me because
I wanted to mention some situations that can
arise from this that I've seen,
if I've answered your question, that is.
Yeah. Yeah. You have answered my question. But
can I just to jump in and bring
sis Malihir back in? Because she said she's
got something to offer on this particular thing.
And then we've got Abu Takhideen who's also
waiting in the wings inshallah. Sis Malihai, you
had something you wanted to chip in on
this one.
So, yes, definitely, when you speak about,
this can happen to a mother who is
single. I was thinking, you know what? It
can happen to almost any mother. You know?
It can happen to one that isn't sing
sing sing sing
sing
single. Right? Single.
Because
when we have Single. Right? When we have
kids,
when we have boys,
we think we're in love with our husband.
But that becomes
such a sweetness in our eyes, our child,
especially our boys. Right? Wow. They actually are
the they become the perfect little male person
that we imagine. Oh, no. Because you're saying
exactly what the guy said in the Because
I can I can look at my husband
and pinpoint the negative parts? Right? And it's
sad. I shouldn't, but I can because you
you're so close. But when you look at
your son, you're like, oh, wow. Like,
I've I've helped him grow, and he's this
and he's not perfect. Don't get me wrong.
He's not perfect.
But in our eyes is. Through our compassion
and our mercy that Allah has given us
for our kids, he seems the perfect type.
Right?
And this is very difficult for us because
as they grow up,
again, we need to realize that they are
growing.
They are changing. They are developing and
becoming youth and eventually
adults.
We need to also
look at them in a different perspective. We
cannot always look at them with the same
eyes and say, oh, my little boy. Right?
Shane, you know, to be what you need
him to be. Right? What you want him
to be rather than the man that he
needs to be in order to to do
well. And how do we do that? We
make sure they have chores around the house.
We make sure they're responsible for their own
room. We make sure they are responsible for
their whatever is, you know, due from their
schoolwork or their whatever. And when they don't,
they deserve
to see the consequences.
We cannot
take care of them. Like, for example, your
son goes to school, let's say, or goes
to a class or goes wherever they need
to go. Now you as a mother want
him to eat, right, 3 times a day.
But when he forgets to take his lunch,
don't go running
and handing over driving out of your way
and give it because this is what happens.
I'm homeschooling
other boys who are hip students, and I
am tutoring them for a few hours a
day. And when I see that the mom
will not
just drive over at hand of a sandwich
when he forgot to take it, but she
will spend an hour
making,
fried chicken, which I dread because that takes
all day.
And she will drive over and bring this
to his son nice and warm and perfect.
And And I'm thinking, I'm just shaking my
head and saying no. No. No. No. No.
What you're doing is actually
not love.
You are spoiling him.
Next time he doesn't get it exactly as
warm as you just gave it to him
or as perfect, he will yell at you.
It will backfire.
He will make he will have certain expectations
of you.
And
that's not okay
because we know that just carrying your child
for 9 months,
your child owes you
and will never be able to repay you.
Now I'm not saying you shouldn't nurture your
child. You shouldn't take care of them. But
you shouldn't do that. You shouldn't
sacrifice your 2 hours to make a meal
for this kid because you adore him.
He he's fine with the sandwich.
He's fine
not eating anything until he gets home because
it was his fault that he didn't take
the food, not yours.
It's not your responsibility.
It's okay if he's weak, if he's tired,
if you've you know, he he comes home
complaining.
That wasn't your fault. That's not the consequence
for you to deal with. It's his consequence.
And that's one of the things I think
mothers when you speak of I think you
said desi mothers or you mentioned something. I
can't remember. But I think it's Yeah. Throughout
the cultures. Right? Mhmm. And that's one of
the things I think mothers when you speak
of I think you said desi mothers or
you mentioned
something. I can't remember. But I think it's
Yeah. Throughout the cultures, right,
that mothers do to their kids, and they
feel like that
is loving them. And that, when they get
older, backfires because
your son, 30 years old, will come knocking
at your door
expecting x, y, and z. And when you
don't do it because you've got health issues,
you've got back problems, you've got,
you know, other things. You need to take
care of yourself now in your own age.
They
tell you you know, they just
make you feel like a piece
of nothing.
Is that right? But who did that? Who
brought up this problem?
Who created that? That's true. And I have
2 questions about that. You know? And I
wanna bring
that monster. Right? Oh, exactly. Exactly. I wanna
bring brother Takhuddin in here, inshallah, because I
have two questions about that scenario.
One of them is,
do you think that some mothers
do all of that,
the extra service, right, the extra cuddling and
looking after
to cement the relationship
so that when he's older, he knows he
owes his mother. Like, he knows he can
never repay her. And, like,
basically, it's it's almost like a codependency.
It's almost, you know, creating a situation where
my son can't live without me. Like, his
life, you know, if I am not doing
what I'm doing, his life is not the
same. Because I wonder how much of that
contributes to the problems that a lot of
mothers in law have with their daughters in
law.
Right? Because
now the daughter-in-law is coming in,
and the mother expects the daughter-in-law to play
the exact same role. But, of course, in
her eyes, she can never play the role
as well as she's played it. Brother Abu
Taqieddin,
what are your thoughts on what you've heard
so far? Anything you'd like to agree with,
disagree with, something new you want to bring
to the table?
Assalamu alaikum,
everybody.
So far, it's a fantastic show, so well
done to you and your guest speakers. Thank
you. I think it's very, very important
that both fathers and mothers understand the role
that they need to be able to play
with the children. And sadly, unfortunately,
a lot of mistakes have
happened where men
have not always taken that responsibility
to always be there for their children.
And growing up on my council
estate, I was surrounded by very single
parent, boy, moms who had to raise boys.
I've seen firsthand growing up how difficult that
can be.
I've been married before. I'm currently married now.
I've got children of my own,
and I can see how boys will especially
the boys and the daughters, but the boys
will crave for my attention
to be with the children.
I think it is gonna be very difficult
for moms,
to raise sons by themselves because the men
need to know how to become a man,
and they're only gonna get that from the
male role model. And if they haven't got
a male role model, I would always encourage
the mothers to try to find a role
model for that guy. So for me, as
a person, sometimes I've missed a lot of
things in my life. But when I have
a certain Mufti kind of friend, and I
have seen how he's grown up, and I
can see the relationship between him and her
father.
I sometimes think to myself, I wish I
had that when I was young. I had
that kind of feeling and that kind of
knowledge and that kind of a guidance, and
men crave
for that because deep down, we want to
be the ideal man. We want to look
after our women. We want to look after
our children.
But a lot of the time, we don't
know how we to do that. And sometimes
we make a lot of mistakes in our
life, but a sincere man would want to
go make those current changes
and become better men because that's what we
desire to do is to become a better
ideal man. If we're gonna make a mistake,
then we need to be able to fix
that up.
And I think some points that you mentioned
about sisters generally
being a bit too spoiling the children, I
think that's a natural nature of a mother.
She loves that child. She wants to give
them that attention and that care and look
after them to the best of her ability,
but that's when the man then comes and
steps in and says, honey, hold up. Yeah.
Yeah. I know what to do here. Let
me play my role. You play your role.
That way the child's getting the best of
both parents.
Exactly. That love, they're getting that emotion from
one side. My wife will look at me
thinking, wow. The way you talk to your
kids is a bit harsh. Yeah. I said,
why don't worry about it. I know. Sometimes
I can be harsh, but you know what?
I know the kid's gonna come back to
me. He's gonna be cool when things settle
down. Sometimes the mother is worried. She's thinking,
no. I don't know about that. You know
what I mean? And he gets a little
bit worried. And I know a situation where
a woman's,
a mother said to
to me once how she said,
I if my son ever does this and
ever does that, I'm gonna kick him out
of the house and all that kind of
stuff. And you know what? I was helping
this kid, and he went completely off rails.
She,
had to deal with it herself.
She wasn't able to
deal with that scenario of kicking her son
out. You know, when he'd started get mixing
with the wrong crowd, she couldn't do nothing.
For sure. For sure. When he'd mix him
with the wrong people who are swearing fine,
get involved in drugs, become in the rap
and everything. You know, whatever she says, it
completely
overrides his mom. And she loves him, and
she's trying to care for him. She's trying
to tell him something. But without the father
in the life, there was nothing she could
do about it.
Okay. So let me that's difficult.
Let me let me sort of press you
on this issue. Okay? Because we've all seen
and probably experienced in our lives situations where
you've got a boy who's only got the
mom at home, so he's got no dad
around, and we know this is like it's
like a stereotype by now. Right? The the
the single parent home where the boy is
kind of going off the rails, maybe the
girl as well, no dad at home, and
the mom's struggling to cope. Right?
Now as we said and as you saw
from, you know, sister Maliha, you know, the
mother's instinct is to protect. Right? And to
make sure that the child is okay, that
the child doesn't get, you know, any nothing
nothing bad happens. So
in an instance where
your child has has grown up to a
stage where physically now you can't beat them.
Right? You can't beat them. Even if you
used to beat them when they're young, you
can't beat them anymore. Right? He's a man
now.
He's got the base. He's got the build.
He's out there on madness. Right?
A lot of mothers will
will will not want them to get into
trouble and will cover for them and will
make excuses for them, and and, you know,
they just wanna keep them home. Right?
What
can a mother in that situation do?
I I'm sure for many fathers, they would
it would be a very different
conversation. Right? If your son's acting up okay.
So firstly, let me take a step back.
Brother, if your son is acting up, he's
reached that stage now where he thinks he's
a big man. Right? He's on some madness,
and he's he's he's pushing the boundaries, and
he's he's giving you some pushback with regards
to your authority.
As a father, as a man, how do
you deal with that?
I have been in that situation, and
I have been very firm. I think what
it is we
tend not to take no nonsense.
It becomes like a man to man think.
And if you're gonna step up and you
wanna rise to that, now come deal with
me. If you can't deal with me, then
there's a door. You wanna be a man,
Go and start your life.
Go outside that door. Go and work. Go
and see how hard it is. Go and
see what you have to do.
And
that was with a a stepson that I
had. And, you know, you tried I tried
my best and everything. Sorry. Hold on, brother.
You did that with a stepson?
With a step I didn't do I didn't
tell him to leave the house. Uh-huh. But,
it wasn't that situation that you give them
the alternative
while you're in that house.
Yeah.
These are the rules, and this is how
it's gonna be. Mhmm. And in the house,
I had full control in that. I had
to step forward.
I had to assert the authority, but I
had to always bear in mind that I
know that
this is another problem when it comes to
stepchildren. The mothers will always be super protective.
That's what I wanted to ask about.
Yes. Don't like the idea that hold on.
Another guy has came into the picture, which
is why the Sharia always, for my understanding,
recommends that if a woman gets remarried, then
she should let the kids stay with somebody
else so they can still get the right
balance love kit.
And this is a big problem today right
now. So so so that yeah. It is
a big problem. Me and I've got 5
boys of my own. I've got 5 sons
of my own. My sons know that's a
relationship really, really good. You step out of
line,
there's the there's the door.
Okay. Okay. Now I know
I know when people hear this, and we've
been having this conversation about, you know, stepfathers
coming in and, you know, all of that
stuff.
How did your wife deal with that? Was
that a conversation that you had had previously
when you came in? You said, look. If
you want me in, I have to come
in with full authority.
Was it something that you took gradually,
that you grew into,
you know or did she did she did
she resist that? Did she say, no. You
can't tell him to leave. Like, that's my
son. This is this is my house. Like,
this is our house. What what if if
it's not too personal, because I know that
this is a big issue that takes place.
I've got,
with my new wife, I've got a stepdaughter
as well.
So SubhanAllah.
This and everybody thinks I'm a madman for
doing this, and I've always had this lecture
from lots of people, but I can sometimes
understand where people are coming from.
But in this in this situation, it's more
that you have, to my personal opinion, you
have to give them the alternative to the
mother. Either I step in and I take
full authority when it comes to the disciplining.
For that to happen, I can then give
a lot of love
because it require the balance, love and discipline.
You can't give too much
discipline and not enough love, and you can't
give so much love without enough discipline. But
if you're gonna withstand
the discipline and the authority, then that child
is not also gonna get the full love
because I might tell my kids off. But
when I tell them off and I'll blast
them, like, I told my daughter after that,
my eldest daughter is 13,
but then it ends up with a lot
of love afterwards. Mhmm. And then she would
then understand. She would probably apologize, and then
you give them that soft touch back because
she is responding back to what you're saying.
It needs that balance. And I think in
the step situation,
mothers are extremely
defensive
because they want to do what is best
for their child, but sometimes and
how what they
see
as best for the child in their view,
what's best for the child. And sometimes it's
about to be able to trust that the
person that you are with.
Do you believe that that person is gonna
do what is best for your child? Because
you and him may have different views. You
might have different styles. And what I say
is, look, I'm the man,
and this is my way of doing things.
You're a mother and you have your way
of doing things. So when it comes to
certain things, I'm gonna let you do because
you are good at your job because it's
in your natural instinct, it's in your natural
fitter,
how to give the extra love and care.
You might think I'm a bit harsh or
you might think I'm a bit like this,
but I believe that that might be the
best,
way forward for that situation. And if it's
right from either side and wicked, and if
it's not, as mature parents, then you have
to say, you know what? If I make
a mistake, I need to fix that so
it doesn't happen again next.
So mothers would go and approach things very
differently to how a man will. It doesn't
mean that either one is right or wrong.
It just means people have different ways of
going about it,
and you have to
how men
and women have to be on the same
platform as much as they can in order
to do what is best for that child.
100%.
100%. Brother, that was no. That was that
was you gave a lot,
But It's something I can talk on for
so much because I've got so much that
I need to always
help people. I'm always trying to help others
out as well. I've helped quite a few
people out and I've gone through a lot
of experience, but I think it's
something that is very serious that my advice
generally, last point to men
or mothers
that they need to do what is best
for their children. If you are still married
and you're having a little bit of issues
and problems,
just try to work it out to the
best that you can. If the woman kinda
doesn't like the man too much, sometimes it's
better for that man to go and get
a second wife. He can he doesn't have
to be in your face 247 doing your
head in and you have to see his
head in 247.
But when it comes towards the children as
long as it can be on a certain
level, but when it comes for the children,
both parents have to play their role. At
the moment, I have to travel 4 hours
to go and see my kids. I have
to go move there to try to be
close to my other children. I have to
be my family from London up to the
north. It's very, very difficult, but I know
I have to go up there because my
kids rely on me. I ain't gonna ditch
know. Yeah. And I need to be there
for them. And I think all the men
out there today have to go and be
there for their kids. All the mothers have
to understand that. You know what?
That kid needs the father in his life.
Definitely,
when he's getting a little bit older like
you said, when it comes to that point
when he can take all your beating.
Yep.
Because boys will just walk over the moms.
They'll be straight up with you. They will
just walk over unless the kid has been
next level disciplined,
it's very easy for him just to say,
you know what? I'm going out.
And the mom's allowed.
I know family moms family moms know that
their sons are dog leaders, for example. Yeah.
They know they can't do nothing about it.
What can they do? Yep. You know, the
mom's and the boy will come home. He'll
sat like one k, help with the bills
and this and that. She's like, alright. Cool.
I don't know what you're doing. I know
moms who know that their sons go to
university to get that degree at the expense
of being in a state of other fitness
and everything, but they don't want to know
about it as long as it gets that
degree
because they haven't got the authority to stamp
it out, unfortunately.
And that's where the men have come in
to do that. And that's why the kids
are saying all the time, they need both
hands.
Exactly. No. I agree with you. I just
wanna thank brother Tariq, one of our show
supporters,
for your 1999
super chat, JazakAllah Khayron.
Every stream, brother, supporting Barak Allah fee.
I I I want to just touch on
a few things that you mentioned. I think
that you brought a lot to the table.
Definitely
something that we've realized is or that we
are having a conversation about
is the importance of
for for me, it's about
understanding
that a separation between
a husband and wife
is not something that should be taken lightly
when there are children involved. Right? Because it
just
the ripple effect
of ripping the other parent out of the
children's life to whatever extent,
it can never be
compensated for. And guys, remember,
on this channel, we talk about average situations.
We don't talk about outliers. We don't talk
about extremes on either side. We're just talking
about average. Right? So like the example you
gave, brother, of, you know, the husband or
wife who maybe, you know,
it's not all that.
It's not great. Okay? It's not that they're
at each other's throats and killing each other,
but it's just not great. Right?
We
some of us need we need to borrow
from previous generations
a little bit of their stoicism,
I think. 100%. A little bit of their
sense of duty and responsibility
and sacrifice
for the sake of their children. Right? It's
not all about me and my feelings and,
masha'Allah, the love of my life or the
dreams that I had for myself or like,
you know, a couple goals and all of
this kind of thing. Because those ideas,
they destroy families, you know.
They do. They destroy families. But subhanallah, sister
says here, change the locks. So okay. So
in a situation,
the the original question was,
you would basically square up with your son,
right, and and be like,
look. It's my way or the highway. Right?
In the house Yeah. Generally, to a degree.
Basically, in my situation, if it was me,
I would I would from from first of
all, I think the big mistake is we
sometimes we leave a bit too late. For
me, I start young. I start telling them
about stuff. I was talking to my daughter
today who's just turned 13 about
relationships, boyfriend, girlfriend, divorce. And they're like, well,
dad, why are you talking to me about
this? You know, I'm going to a girl's
corner, blah blah. I said, listen, and I
have to be there for you. I need
to tell you about the dangers that's gonna
come in the future, and I want to
tell it to you now so you get
it in your head. My dad used to
tell me as a young kid, don't smoke.
Don't smoke. He drilled it in my head
so much
that a cigarette had not even touched my
lips. Forget anything else. Do you know what
I mean? Because of him drumming the same
points to me. We as brothers have to,
first of all, do this from the young
age. Number 2, when it comes to that
point, I think it's a lot more easier
for a man to discipline and tell his
son out the house, there's a door. Go
and do things your way. That's what you
want to do. But I I believe that
the mother will find that extremely
difficult to let go
of her child in order to do that.
Go and face the real world out there.
You think it ain't easy. You wanna go
and do things your way. There's the door.
Get yourself a job. Pay the bills. Put
it all under your name. You know? I
think you can do that as building them
up to mature them from the young age.
I think lack a lot of people lack
maturity because they haven't been
given responsibility from the younger age, but,
it depends on how the per that parent
has actually
dealt with that sit situation with their child.
Did you leave it too late and now
suddenly you wanna splash all these walls and
suddenly kick the kid out of the house
and he hasn't got a clue because you
spoil him. So parents can take a bit
of a blame like that themselves. Yeah. But
if the kid is really going out of
hand,
you have to also open the door of
mercy, but at the same time show him
that this is the punishment.
If you're gonna go that way,
there's only so much you can deal with.
Like I said, in my scenario,
I dealt with it the best that I
can until he decided
to blab his mouth to, you know, school
school called Social Security, all that nonsense that
then Mahan That's
Mahan do it. I have nothing I can
do. Wow. Ironically,
though, when I had to step away from
the situation, the school kicked the kid out.
They gave
me under my control, it was cool.
But when the school wanted to get involved
and, you know, be the protector of the
child, they fall. We can't handle this 6
months 6 months they kicked him out of
school. Wow. And he was left with nothing.
Now this is this is, you know, let's
not bring social services into this because, woah,
that's the thing is the the the problem
that we have in our society today is
that
the young people
have the leverage,
especially over mothers. And then I'm bringing sister
Malihir back because you all heard how she
spoke about her perfect little man and her
son and how, you know, you can just
hear that motherly love, right, that just overflows.
And for sure,
for a mother to kick her son out,
she it's like she has to cut a
part of herself. Right? It's like cutting a
part of herself to to, like, let it
go, and she's going to try to avoid
that in in as much as possible. But
I wonder
I wonder whether I wonder what the role
of respect plays here. Because when the,
when the
when
boys, especially and this is something that I
really wanna hear you guys' views on because
it's something I've thought about, you know, and
I've tried to puzzle it out. So when
your young man is growing up
and he's you're giving him more responsibility,
right, you give the girls certain responsibilities, and
you're giving the boys certain responsibilities.
In the way that we've done things,
certain things that their father would do who's
who's passed
away,
the son ends up doing. Right? So the
father would, for example, always deal with the
electrical bill at the door.
We live in Egypt. Right? So if men
come to the door, the culture here is
the man of the house deals with it
or the boys deal with it. Yeah?
If a mahram is needed, then he does
the mahram thing. Right? So so on the
one hand, you're conferring this responsibility
to to them. It's of their 15, 16,
17.
And
there's almost, you know,
you're you're training them up to to walk
like men as much as you can by
allowing them to do what their father would
have done or what the man in the
situation should do.
How do you balance that now
with him still respecting you as the adult
and really as the authority in the home?
Because you're still the adult. Even though he's
a man,
you're you're still paying the bills, you're still
his mother, you know, you you still have,
you still actually have authority over him to
a certain extent.
Has anyone thought about that, and does anyone
have any answers? And if no one wants
to answer the question, that's fine. I wanna
let brother Ridwan,
jump in. I think it's brother Ridwan,
because, you know, he's he's been waiting for
a long time. But does anyone have any
answers on how to balance
the the boy growing into being a man
and being respected as a man
because he's playing the role of a man,
but also him understanding that he's still your
child, he still owes you respect, and he
still has to listen. I don't know. Is
it possible, impossible? What do you guys think?
You're asking us now? Yes. Or who's going?
Well, I've been personally, but for for my
father, he's got us getting involved with the
bills at the younger age to help him
out. Not that he needed the help. It's
just like we need to divide and share
and work together as a family.
And now his dad did that to him.
So my uncles,
they all bought a house in Wimbledon. They
were never able to do that by themselves.
My granddad wouldn't have been able to do
that by himself. But working together as a
family,
everybody had to put things under their own
name and work together in order to achieve
what they wanted.
And I think that's what, generally,
mothers would want their kids to do that
as they start getting older, they're gonna put
certain things in your name. It's like chores,
you know, when you have a little chores
and you have a little piggy bank box,
whatever it is, and you're gonna start doing
certain things. If you want something, go out
and get it with bills and I think
all that kind of stuff,
you know, just to show a small part
of responsibility
that this is your duty. This is what
you're gonna have to do. A lot of
my friends, they still live with their with
their moms.
My my mate, he was 40 years old.
He only moved out of the house, and
he grew up without a father because his
father passed away when he was wrong. 1
years old, He had to pay a lot
of the duties for the family because he
naturally saw that as his responsibility
that he owes his mother. He knows he's
he's now working.
These are my responsibilities.
So the boy the man who stayed in
his mother's house until he was 40,
do you think that that's healthy? Do you
think that's okay? Do you think that's honorable,
or do you think that's problematic?
Right. He's he got married, and he's married,
and he lived with his mother.
Mhmm.
And he lived with his mother to look
after his mother. His wife obviously wanted to
move out, which is why he ended up
moving out after a certain point, and his
old brother now looks after
his mother.
And he stayed at home as much as
he could to look after his mother.
At the same time, they know how expensive
it is to buy a property, and he
knows he can't go and buy a mortgage.
So Mhmm. He's trying his best to save
as much as he can to buy a
halal house, which he has to go and
buy
way out of London in order to buy
something that was in a halal way.
And that's a lot of the reasons why
he has stayed at home, and I think
a lot of men stay at home in
order to accumulate, save money at the same
time, still
look after the the mom. So he has
to look after 2 families, his mom and
their house bills, plus he's saving his own
money so he can go and,
buy his own house and look after his
wife and children in Portsmouth.
So I I love this. This is so
that's one of the reasons why I find
culture so,
so fascinating.
Because whenever we talk about the multi generational
family system that's very, very common in South
Asian families, right? Daughter-in-law
living with, you know, her in laws.
First, we know that this is a part
of the culture. Right? It's more so a
part of the culture amongst, South Asians than,
for example, Africans or Arabs. Right?
We usually hear from I'm a slave, by
the way. Okay. Okay. I could say it's
not, you know, an Asian. So Oh, interesting.
Interesting.
So we we hear from it we hear
about it from the angle
of the daughter-in-law
not wanting to live with the in laws,
firstly,
and it's usually presented
as an opportunity for the in laws to
oppress and exploit the daughter-in-law.
Right?
And what you're saying is
there are other factors involved.
There's the factor of caring for elderly parents,
potentially.
There's the aspect of saving money in order
to be able to buy a property or
buy the property. Right?
There's the element of feeling that duty of
care to the parents. Right?
So it's it's it's a lot more complicated
than we think of it. Because a lot
of people are pushing now
to completely break that system. Right? And and
I think it has become a thing where
a lot of sisters will say, that's a
deal breaker.
I'm not living with your mom. I'm not
living with your family. That is a deal
breaker for me. So it's something it's something
to think about. But brother Ridwan, do you
have a a mic that you want to
unmute so you can, share in this conversation?
Brother.
Assalamu alaikum.
I actually want to attack this topic from
a different perspective.
Great. And, yeah, first and foremost, I want
to say
the the issue is not necessary the problem
is not necessarily with
single mother households,
because irrespective of whether a child's in a
single mother household or in a household with
the mother and the father,
The question is,
do the parents know how to raise kids?
That's the question.
Irrespective of whether there's 1 parent or 2
parents,
do you know how to be a parent?
Because being a parent is not just
popping children into the world. It's a skill
set.
Mhmm. It's a it's a skill set in
itself. Right? And the issue is that,
like and when it even comes in, it's
not a lot of the time, it's not
even the mother that's the issue. A lot
of the time, the father is the issue,
could be the issue. Because Mhmm. Not every
father is a man.
Not every father is a real man.
Oh,
be careful coming on this channel and saying
men are not real men.
We're gonna have a war in the comments.
Not every father is a real man. Not
every mother is a real woman. Right? Because
Okay. Because it takes only a real man
knows how to raise a real man. If
you're not a real man, you don't know
what it takes to raise a real man.
It's as simple as that. You can't sit
where you don't
know. You can't sit where you don't know.
And that's why I I genuinely believe
it is before having getting married or before
having kids,
a couple needs to be very aware
of the abilities
to raise,
these children correctly. Because one, a single mother
who raised a a child better than a
a child in a mixed,
parent's
family. Right? It's very possible for that to
happen if she knows what she's doing.
Just like a single father could raise a
better child, and just like a child could
come from a family with both parents,
and they could not be,
raised correctly. And this is an issue I
had personally because
I have both my parents. I grew up
in
a family with both my mother and my
father. And to be may Allah forgive me?
I don't, I don't respect them that much.
And I don't have the best relationship with
them because I don't think they did a
good enough job.
And I think there is there is a
lot of there is a lot of,
there's a lot of gaslights in parents too.
Right? They just they just blame me for
everything. Right? Parents are so problematic.
Oh my goodness. Parents really They can be
so problematic. And they don't realize
the flaws
in their approach to
parenting.
A lot of the time, there is so
many flaws that you don't realize until you've
grown old and you and you you you
look back in retrospect and you're like, you
Allah, if only I knew
if only I knew, I would have done
this and that. And the issue is gonna
and the issue was my parents. It was
my if if I had grown up with
a different parents,
things might have happened differently. Right? So a
lot so let me give you an example.
Right?
I don't know. I'm not sure of the
age, but I think when I was about
7 or 8 years old,
the first person to ever ask me what
I wanted to ever be in my life
was my mother. Right? Mhmm. This was my
mother. She asked me, what do you want
to be when you grow up? And by
Allah, I still remember what I said. I
said I wanted to be a soldier.
Mhmm. I said, mom, I want to be
a soldier.
And I remember
to this day, and this still hurts me
every single time,
My mom was like, no. No. No.
Why? It's a very dangerous line of work.
It's this. It's that. You could harm me.
Why should you think why are you thinking
this way? Right?
Until today,
when I think back at this, it really
hurts me
because it killed my
self.
What's the word?
Myself, what's the word? Please help me out.
Confidence? Confidence? Not not necessarily. Self esteem.
It killed my self esteem.
Because I was like,
oh, maybe I'm thinking wrong or maybe I'm
I'm dumb, but I don't know. I can't
think right. I can't choose for myself. I
don't know what I want. Yeah. I don't
know what I want out of life. And
so from that moment onwards, I I I
I mellowed down.
I I watered down myself to be the
type of person who
doesn't act tough and stuff like that. Because
the issue is the if I had the
right
parents with the right knowledge or the right
understanding of what it means to be a
boy, I would have probably been taken to
a karate classes or a boxing class or
a Right.
A taekwondo class or something
that that that Yep. Made that brought out
the that put the
energy to good use.
Because all all all it means being saying
you want to be a soldier, all it
simply means is that you're you're you're you
wanna be active, that you love being active
and you love. That's that's that was my
my childish way of putting
that thought process out. Yeah. You understand what
I'm saying? But I didn't have my my
mother didn't understand that because she wasn't equipped
with the skills to understand that. And And
she wouldn't have she wouldn't have as a
woman, I think, as well.
She Yeah. She it would be That's why
that's why I said a lot of the
time, it's not just the mother. That's where
the father comes in. Mhmm. But my father
didn't do this part as well because I
don't think my father ever asked me what
I wanted to be. I don't think my
I don't think my, my father was just
he he was just like, you know, parents
who watch TV, watching Al Jazeera news and
watching, watching watching,
Nollywood movies and watching
this Zoning out. Movie Zoning out. Zoning out.
Like, a lot of parenting is much more
than that. Parenting is is hands on. Right?
The father does his part and the mother
does the part. That's what parenting entails. Right?
And Yeah. The this is an issue I
found not just with me. A lot of
I found this with a lot of people.
And what happens and the reason why this
is very dangerous
is that it affects if a child doesn't
realize the flow of his parents, he's gonna
pass that on to his own children.
Of course. Of course. He's gonna pass it
on to his own children. And of my
I have, my my parents have 4 children.
I'm the first of 4, And I'm the
only one who sees it like this. The
last child is is on my is on
my side. He he
he actually accuses me the most. The other
ones also see the the the floors.
But
at the end of the day, I'm the
one who is, like, most hardcore in my
in my,
in my perception of this and in my
outspokenness with respect to this.
So when, brother, if you don't mind me
asking,
when did you realize that there was
that whatever it was that you were experiencing
was was its roots were in
the way your parents raised you. How old
were you when you realized that? I'm 28
now. I'm 28 now. I only realized it
in my twenties,
in my early twenties, and I couldn't even
fully
visualize. I couldn't fully,
articulate
it in words because
I had never
had time to process those thoughts because it's
it the my parents were so, like,
you you know, the the way the gas
lights you. Right? Like, any any anything everything
is your fault. Nothing is ever your fault.
Right? And because I was in that type
of a of a situation, I wasn't able
to articulate it as as you've,
correctly said. And I wasn't able to put
those thoughts into words. And growing up
growing up as a man, and when I
when I came to know myself, or when
I came to because I I went through
a very difficult, phase in my teenage years
and my early adulthood in in trying to
figure out who I was because I I
didn't get that nurturing, right, from from from
a young age. When I finally came to
the realization, I realized that, actually,
I wasn't wrong
at the age of 7 when I said
I wanted to be a soldier.
Mhmm. Because that's who I am. My person
my personality today is rooted around that. I'm
someone who who who likes
to be physical. I'm someone who will get
in a fight. I'm someone who is not
afraid to go to war. I'm someone who's
willing to
to go to war and and die on
the battlefield. Right? Because that's the personality I
have. I have the I have a warrior
mindset. I have a warrior,
personality. I I I get into sparring and
fighting and and all that stuff because that's
who I am. And if I had parents
who who
who nurtured that from a young age, I
would have been emotionally mature, a lot younger,
and I would have gone past a lot
of my peers from a very young age
because I had
a personality they didn't have, that most of
my peers didn't have, and it would have
given me the edge over them. So a
lot of the time, the Islamic, is very
important because even if you look at it
from the Islamic perspective, the children, the the
boy should be taught to swim, to shoot
arrows, to ride horses, even the girls. So
to a certain extent, should be should be
taught some physical
aspects of,
of,
these issues. Right? And at the end of
the day, I I genuinely believe that it's
not necessarily
all bad. Because because of this experience, I
was able to learn certain things that I
will be able to pass on to my
children and my Mhmm. Grandchildren inshallah.
Brother Ridwan, you really brought,
a fresh perspective to the conversation. Thank you
so much. I think it's your first time
live on the on the on the channel,
so thank you so much,
for for sharing that. And a lot of
food for thought. I think we only maybe
now realizing how much of who we are
as adults
was shaped when we were children. Right? So
just so somebody's saying in the chat here
that, you know, we should make learning how
to be a parent
a standard in our communities.
Right? So that we can try to undo
some of the damage and maybe not even
pass on some of the some of the
damage that we've that we've potentially, you know,
received from our parents who didn't know any
better. You know? And there's another point here
that I wanna raise as well inshallah that
I think I put up, this is what
Talha said.
Traditionally, we would learn to parent by simply
repeating what our parents did, but the rupture
of immigration,
and I would argue other things, other societal
issues, means that we have to rethink healthy
parenting. I agree 100%.
The the ways of passing on knowledge
and culture
and tradition and character and just the shaping
of the individual has been completely disrupted, I
think. Industrialization
is part of that.
Colonization is part of that. Immigration is part
of that. So a lot of stuff, to
to unpack there. But, brother Ismael wants to
jump in quickly, I think, before he goes
to work. Brother, what are your thoughts on
this? What do you have to share with
us tonight?
I
Initially, I didn't wanna, you
know, intervene,
but because I lived it,
I wanted to give my my thoughts on
that and my 2¢.
When I was 7
but let's just say
obviously, I'm anonymous, but, for legal purposes, I'm
just gonna say that there was a time
where
it was a family of 4.
You know, the older child was a was
a boy,
and there was a he had a younger
sister.
Mhmm.
And
the father
had this crazy idea of
they were living in a western country, and
he wanted to contract
insurance,
fake his death,
go to this home country,
and get the money from the insurance and
start over his life.
Wow.
But the mom did not agree to that,
and,
you know, things went
very wrong.
And so, basically,
again, for legal purposes, I'm not saying this
is my story, but
I grew up without a father since the
age of 7.
My youngest sister was,
3 or 4,
and,
and my mom had to raise us,
by herself.
Mhmm.
We are from North Africa, so I can
relate to a lot of what the brother
Reduan was saying, maybe because we're Africans.
Mhmm.
But I I could never relate to what
was said before
about, you know, mothers being
very,
loving and caring towards the the boy when
they're raising
the boy by by themselves.
Mhmm. My mama was very harsh with me,
and Myla, you know, preserving grant grant her
with Jannah
but for
for sacrificing herself.
She did not remarry,
and and she sacrificed herself to to raise
us. Mhmm. And,
and now we're returning the favor of me
and my sister, especially me because I'm not
married. My sister's married.
Mhmm. And, we're taking care of her. Mhmm.
But growing up,
my whole experience was I was 7. So
this is the moment where you really need
the guidance of your father. Mhmm. You really
need that.
And
the last thing I could remember my my
father teaching me was
was
the the pedals
in the in the car,
which one was the accelerator, the brake,
etcetera.
Yeah.
And he did not teach me about tawhid.
He did not teach me about salah.
Did not teach me about the deen.
All he wanted was this dunya.
But I'm grateful that it happened to me
in a way because
I know
I know
I would have been a terrible person if
I grew up with him around.
Yeah. And Allah sent many people and many
lessons my way
to teach me how to be a man.
Let me tell you. This might sound crazy
and but
education
that comes from Allah is the best education
you can have. Subhanallah.
I needed guidance.
I needed somebody to
channel my energy into positive things. Mhmm.
I did not need a discipliner.
My mama was not
she she wanted to discipline me, but then,
you know, as a boy, when you're, like,
13 or 14,
you have a how do you call it?
Grosberg.
Mhmm.
So I went to Algeria one summer. I
came back.
I grew up 4 inches.
Yeah.
And,
and at that, I remember the last time
she hit me.
She hit me
and she hurt herself.
Oh, no. And she said, I hurt her.
And from that time, I was uncontrollable.
I was really emotional,
and emotional as a boy is not crying.
It's anger. Anger issues.
Yeah. Yep. Yep. I could not control myself.
I
you know, now I'm tired because I gotta
go to sleep because tomorrow, I gotta work
early. But
when I'm during the day,
and, you know,
my first language is French, or when when
I speak, I speak French.
My voice tend to be deep,
and it was deep at a at a
early age. So I scream.
My voice is deep.
My mama is,
in centimeters.
She's, like, 150, so she's short. Yeah. I'm
180.
Mm-mm.
And and and it was,
it was just a terrible moment for me
at that at that point, but I was
always afraid of one thing. I was not
afraid of her,
but I was afraid of her reaction.
So I got into
bad things. I did certain stuff with certain
people.
Almost went to jail. I could've went to
jail. Mhmm. But I was always avoiding it
very carefully.
And I remember one time somebody was
I caught somebody snitching. He was snitching on
people,
and he did not remember my name.
And that's why I knew that Allah saved
me. Mhmm. And then from there, you know,
I I exited this life in Allah. Mhmm.
Allah guided me
to the deen,
you know, little by little.
And
and he taught me how to be a
man
because let me tell you this.
And I wanna say
that I I I wanna second what the
brother Eduardo said.
Just because you got a man around doesn't
mean he's really a man. He might look
like a man. He might be very masculine
in his physicality
Mhmm. The way he looks. Mhmm. But he's
not a man.
I can tell you all the guys that
I know that went to jail,
they all grew up with a father. All
of them. So what happened? All of them.
What's what's the disconnect?
The disconnect is they had a a a
grown boy as a father,
not a man.
Because the Brother Brother Smart, can I ask
you? Can I may I ask this question?
Those grown boys that you as you call
them, that were your friends' fathers
Mhmm. Where did they come from?
What produced them? How come they were not
grown men?
What what do you know anything about what
the what produced that?
Yeah.
Most of them,
they just
there's a, you know, there's this thing this,
there used to be a rite of passage
Mhmm. In the early days. Mhmm. Mhmm. You
had to do certain things Yep. To to
become a man, and they never went through
those rite of passage.
They just
a lot of them were, you know, out
there
drinking,
smoking,
gambling.
And their fathers
were like, you know what?
I'm gonna turn you into a responsible man.
So you you're gonna get married to this
girl
Mhmm. Or you're gonna find a wife or
whatever. Oh, we're gonna go back home and
find you a wife.
You're gonna get married whether you like it
or not. Right. I'm with you. Right. Okay.
And it happened.
Mhmm. And then they had a wife, and
then they had kids.
Mhmm.
And
at some point, they just checked out of
the relationship.
Mhmm. But checking out of the relationship
made them check out of
parenting,
because instead of go coming back home after
work,
they will go to,
bars, and they will go to Yeah.
Places where they could gamble and smoke and
spray. Not what they wanted. Right? That's not
they
they didn't sign up for that, if you
like.
It wasn't their choice to to to to
take on that responsibility. Is that what you're
saying?
Initially, it wasn't.
Mhmm. But at some point, you know,
I mean, you you could just if you
really wanted to
I don't know,
you you you there's so many things they
could have done to not have kids.
It just went with the flow. Think think
about think about I mean, you're North African.
Right?
We know all of us, pretty much everyone
probably watching this,
we know how it works.
In our cultures, you get to a certain
age,
you get married, and when you get married,
you have kids. You don't really have a
lot of options. Right? You can't
very few cultures
and more specifically,
families
will accept
a girl or boy saying, I don't wanna
have a family. I don't wanna get married.
Like, you know, it's like, no. No. No.
You're not doing that. Actually, you're gonna get
married, and then we need to see some
grandchildren. Like, this is what you need to
do.
So definitely for that generation especially,
I don't think that they would have felt
that they had a choice. You know? Certainly
not to marry a woman and then say
we're not gonna have children. Even she would
have been like, what do you mean I'm
not gonna have a child? Like, what are
we doing here if that's if that's not
what we're doing, subhanAllah.
But, you know, the that that connection between
the that what produced the men
or slash boys
that produced
the boys who had fathers in the home,
apparently,
on paper,
but did not have
the rail the the male role model that
would have helped them to to navigate this
space, I think, is a very, very, very
important one, a very strong one, a very
strong one, Pamela.
Because
the the issue was
it's all about, consequences.
Okay?
The consequences for me were terrible. If I
get caught,
it I don't care about going
at the time, my mentality was, I don't
care about going to jail.
I don't care about
none of it. The only thing I care
about
is how my mom is going to react.
That's the only thing that I care about.
Right.
These guys But that's the leverage that's the
leverage that your mom had over you. Yeah.
Mhmm. But these guys, they had,
like I said, wrong boys, not men. So
the consequences,
I mean, if you're willing to
go that route, it's because you know your
father is not gonna be that harsh with
you. Yeah. For sure.
It's because you know the consequences are not
gonna be that tough. Yeah. And these guys
did not go to jail once.
They went to jail, like, 3 times, all
of them. 3, 4 times. Wow.
Right? Now, obviously, they're grown. Some of them
got married. You know?
Some of them repented. What
I'm telling you is
that thing of the presence of a man
being,
how can I say this,
just the presence of a man making it
okay?
Like, you think you have a man around,
so you your your son is gonna be
okay. That's not true. Mhmm. Matter of fact,
your son might be in more trouble with
that guy than him alone.
And and
the whole
education system in our community
has to be,
redone.
We have to
so many things that we have to change,
and we have to go back not to
the previous generations like our great grandfathers,
but we have to go back to the.
We have to go back to the scholars.
And they have so many books in Arabic
that have not been translated that we should
be translating
to give that knowledge of how you raise
him a son, how you raise a boy
to be a man, how you raise a
girl to be a woman,
and how you make them have families, and
how they raise families.
Because if we don't do that and we
expect everyone to figure it out on their
own,
we're done.
Look at the Westerners.
They had this knowledge. I talked to old
western people. I talked to them.
They're 80, 85, 90,
And the way they were raised
is a way that was lost in the
sixties.
Mhmm. Yes. The way that we were raised,
it's a mix
between
Western civilization,
post sixties
Mhmm. And
the way our grand you you know, our
grandmothers and grandfathers raised our parents.
And modern parenting as well. And modern parenting
as well, which is completely
different. Right? Which is the pendulum swinging the
other way because Muslims are
are stuck between
we're stuck,
many of us, between
the the principles of modern parenting that we
hear, that is encouraged, that is taught all
around us, then the Islamic parenting that we
learn in the books, and then our own
familial parenting or cultural parenting that we took
from our families.
And we'd it's it's hard to have
the the the the balance, I think.
Do you know why? I'll tell you why.
Because what what I realized is that
back then, they grew up in communities.
Yes. Your father could could be dead
when you were 2.
Yep. But you had uncles. And when I
say uncles, it was not blood related, but
it was in the community.
Yeah. It was people who could teach you
how to be a man. Mhmm. People who
could
discipline you when you're a child. Because discipline
doesn't come when you're a teenager. It comes
when you're a child. Yep.
When you're a teenager, you don't need discipline.
You need guidance. Mhmm. You could not discipline
me when I was a teenager. Mhmm. I
was ready to fight.
Yeah.
But I needed guidance, and I would have
followed anybody
who looked like
they knew,
the way for me.
Yep. The
because I didn't have that guidance, I went
to whatever,
produced dopamine from from Yeah. From even days,
you know, and stuff like that was music.
So I was really heavy into it.
It it it's better to have music than
to have other things, but Mhmm. I was
really into that. And
I could have used that energy
for more positive stuff. And and,
you know, I actually calculated the amount of
years that I've lost
not having a good
father figure
around me, and it's 5 to 7 years.
It's a minor now.
The, I'm kind of, quote, unquote, late, 5
to 7 years because of that. Mhmm. Mhmm.
But the knowledge that I got and that
I wish to share with my brothers at
some point
When I say brothers, I mean the Muslim
brothers all over the world. Mhmm.
Is how I got to be a man
by the grace of Allah and how we
should raise our sons
to be men,
because we had a community back then who
would teach you how to be a man.
And we had a community of women too.
Yeah. Little girls were not alone in the
home. They were with the mother, the aunties,
the grandmother.
They would,
you know, wash the the clothes together,
and they would talk about you know, they
would cook together. They would talk about,
you know, how to be they would give
advice to each other on how to be
a good wife Yeah. On how to raise
your kids, etcetera.
And and yeah. Like, I like that. It
takes a village to raise the child. That's
really what it is. Yeah. And it used
to be like that. And Western
societies
were created based on individualism to make everybody
else weak so that the cap so that
the government can be strong.
Back in the days, we had community. We
didn't need government that much.
Yeah. That's true.
Yeah. I mean, the all of the so
many of the stuff can be traced back
to industrialization. But brother Ismael, I wanna let
some new sisters who've come on, come on,
onto the screen
as always for sharing,
you know, so so much
to think about and so much to unpack,
but may Allah bless you on your journey
and everybody else. Amen. Jazakalakalukay.
Thank you so much for being part of
this community.
I wanna bring sister Noreen and sister Khudan
up. Assam Alaikum.
Assam Alaikum sisters.
Can you hear me?
I hear you, Huddin. But, Noreen, I can't
hear you, my dear.
Can can you just, say salaam? Let me
see if I can hear you.
I don't,
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Just speak up. Just speak
up, and it will be fine, Insha Allah.
Alright, ladies. So what are your thoughts on
the topic? Anything that's popped out? Noreen, you
and I had a great conversation about this
before.
What's what do you agree with? What do
you disagree with? What would you like to
to share?
Okay. So I'm for, thank you so much
for having me. I'm actually really enjoying the
conversation. Very mature,
really relevant points.
I actually wanted to share, 3 points,
that just kind of popped up, but I
was as I was listening to the conversations.
I think one thing that, you know, some
of the brothers and and the sister also
mentioned, I believe, is that or maybe not
just the brothers,
that, you know,
understanding your parenting, like, the one the the
parenting you received
Mhmm. And
recognizing the flaws in it so you don't
repeat those.
That is so key, and I realize a
lot of us
resist that because we think it's not religious
to do that. But it's not really about
blame, but really about recognizing and rising above
it so you don't repeat that same stuff,
you know, because
that's the only way to find your true
self and
what you're gonna pass on, like, in a
in a in a more,
intentional way. Right?
So that's 1.
2, I think, you know,
all of parenting ultimately has to go back
to the fact that this
is, like, the child's in a manna,
and you're doing this for Allah.
So, really, your job is to set up
Allah as the god in their life. And
a lot of time, I think what happens
is
when you don't have that healthy
self awareness and detachment,
you end up you can end up setting
up yourself
as the god in the child's life,
where they are now
looking to always make sure my mom or
dad is happy. Mhmm. That's a big problem.
Mhmm.
Seems tiny,
but it's it's far reaching, and it's
it's not healthy.
The third point I wanted to share was
that, yeah, I think this applies to moms
for sure is that, you know, the the
coddling, the overdoing because it's making you feel
like a good mom. Yeah. What's happening is
that in the son's life, it could set
up a
lopsided expectation
where that he thinks this is a woman's
role in his life to just serve him.
Right. And to have no boundaries. Mhmm. Right?
Or or very, minimal boundaries where it's just
she's at his service all the time because
it makes all good.
Right? Do you do you think that because
we've we talked with the brother before, Ridwan.
He mentioned about,
our parents
sort of you know,
he used the word gaslighting us. Right?
And this you know, there's that lack of
accountability and self awareness that previous generations have.
Do you think that there is a lack
of boundaries and we've inherited,
like, a lack of boundaries from parents?
I don't know. Because I I mean, I
I'm feeling very much as as an outsider
because I'm a revert, so I feel very
much from the outside looking in.
Not to say that the non Muslim way
or the non Asian way is better,
but I definitely do see
a very different understanding of appropriate boundaries
between
adult children and their parents
in certain communities. Is that is that a
fair assessment, do you think?
I think so. I think definitely in some
cultures,
having boundaries is seen as disrespectful.
And so
a lot of the communication
between the adult children and the parents is
like this passive aggressive dance.
Wow.
And this and that. So, I mean, this
is obviously on one end. Right? I mean,
there there's definitely, I'm sure, many,
healthy relationships,
but I think this this is definitely there
because, you know, again, it kind of goes
back to the parents who
have given so much
that now it's this is what they expect.
Of course. Yeah. Yeah. You owe me. You
owe me. Exactly. It's transactional. You owe me.
So, yeah, it gets very prompt it can
get very problematic, I think.
And what about the son husbands thing? Because
we had a conversation about this, and and
the the the part in the quote I'll
if I if you guys don't mind, I'm
gonna read it again,
because I just thought it was just like
it really
for some women, this will ring so true.
So it says, I'll just read it again,
guys.
Many women have trust issues with men.
They're either divorced and alone, or they staying
with a man who doesn't meet their needs,
And they project those needs onto their sons
because she trusts her son. She knows her
son won't hurt her. And unintentionally,
this stifles her son's growth and holds him
back from going and creating a life for
himself with his own wife.
Do you think that that's fair? Do you
think that that's true? I think so. And
I think that's
really, like, in my own head, the the
way that translates to me is that that
in that situation, a mother or it could
be a dad too, is essentially making a
slave out of the child.
Wow.
That's a bit harsh.
Nope. You think about it deeply enough because
you need this person to do as you
want.
And so it's like you're seeing them as
an extension of yourself, and you're not willing
to separate from them and see their wants
and their feelings and whatever as
a separate entity. You know, it's like it's
it's too deep of a link.
It's it's an enmeshed relationship.
Right.
So and Tawhid actually, that's why I mentioned
Tawhid is actually it's it's there to give
boundaries.
True. Yeah. Yep. Very, very clear. Very clear
boundaries. And
I some guys, sorry. This conversation,
sister Noreen and I had this conversation in
person,
and it was it was just it was
extraordinary.
And one of the things that we touched
on was what he says in this post
about mothers in loveless marriages, not even single
mothers necessarily, but in loveless marriages,
who pour all their love and affection and
attention and adoration
into their sons.
And then what that creates in terms of
the dynamic in the relationship.
Noreen, do you mind just sharing your perspective
on this? Because you came with some stuff,
man. Like, you
brother Talha is saying it's the,
in
emotional *.
That's exactly it. Right. It's see, the thing
is it kind of almost goes back to
the mother's childhood. Right? If she has been
coddled by her father and she's been like
the golden child,
Now what's happening is she doesn't have
she doesn't understand or she may have a
struggle with understanding that a husband is different
than her father.
A husband may not Right. There to provide
validation and whatnot, and he's gonna work by
different rules. Yeah. And so if she identifies
that, you know, that kind of, boundary setting
or that structure in the home as, like,
oppression,
she ends up seeing that that
emotional closeness and whatnot from the son. And,
of course, it may be true. Maybe the
husband lacks in the ability to, you know,
provide emotional Potentially. Yep.
But, ultimately, if she's not self aware and
she seeks that from the son,
a a part of that energy that's supposed
to be going towards her husband is now
going towards her son, and and Wow. That's
really problematic.
Why is it a problem?
Well, whether this happens with a girl or
a boy, because it can happen with either,
what's gonna end up happening is that, see,
as humans, we only have a finite amount
of energy. Right? And so if part of
your energy is stuck with making sure their
parent is always approving of your choices in
life and whatnot because they won't let go,
they have this clause in you,
it's gonna cause problems in your marriage.
Right.
Because it's kind of you're setting up a
new business.
You need to be able
to serve business
Focus. From the overflow
to your original family. Or or or Wow.
Explain it really well, but you get what
I'm saying? Like, you can't be split like
that. It has to be one focus, so
it's Allah has to be the focus
Mhmm. And one comes under that.
But the problem is some it's very, very
subtle when a parent sets themselves up as
the god in the child's life.
As in her approval.
Right. The child and and I remember we
we talked about as well, especially
for the children that are
considered the good child. Right?
The good child.
Like what sister Maliha said, my golden boy.
Right? My perfect little
man. That children who are are are brought
up to play that part
end
up relying on the constant validation
to keep
confirming that, yes, I'm still the golden child.
I'm still the perfect little man. I'm still
my mom's golden boy. Right?
Which makes a codependent relationship because
you're constantly
in the state of looking for the approval,
trying to get the approval, trying to get
the approval. And if it doesn't come through,
you know, we have a problem. And, also,
that's the leverage that the mom uses
to get the control that she wants.
Right.
See,
if you just kind of, like,
you know, zoom out, your job as a
parent is literally to love them,
connect them to Allah, fill their self worth
cup,
and show them the ways of the world,
and then allow them to go off and
have the faith that they will care for
you
out of their taqwa to Allah. Mhmm. Mhmm.
Mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm.
And if if that equation
is is not understood,
then we introduce lots of, you know,
Levers.
Yeah. Levers.
It's it's it's like I must maintain control.
Right? And I do think that, you know,
a lot of us women do suffer with
the need to control things. I think it
can show up in our marriages sometimes where
we feel we need to micromanage and control
as much as we can, but it also
can show up with our children and especially
our sons. Right? And you see it more
in certain mothers where, like, as somebody said
before,
you know, there is an expectation
that your job is to please me,
and for me to approve of your choices,
and for me to cosign on everything that
you've done. And if you don't do that,
you are in default.
Right.
So you're essentially it's like you need to
do this and this in order to,
you know, keep your self worth intact.
You know, yourself.
In order for it to be healthy, you
need to make sure I'm happy. And so
in a way, what ends what can end
up happening is that you need the child
now to manage your emotions And,
oh, this this this goes back to what
somebody mentioned earlier on in
And, this this this goes back to what
somebody mentioned earlier on in this call, which
was, you know, this,
the the I think I can't remember who
now. I'm I'm so sorry. But it was
mothers in this case, it was specifically single
mothers sharing oversharing,
right, with their with their sons, maybe daughters
as well. But we know the dynamic between
mothers and their daughters is different to the
dynamic between mothers and their sons. Right?
So if the boy is being raised to
become her emotional pillar
and her emotional support,
then it is the situation where the child
realizes that,
you know, I am responsible for mom being
okay, for mom feeling okay. Like, this is
this is a part of the role that
I have to play. What how does that
impact us as we grow?
I think it's gonna keep the mother
stunted as well because, ultimately,
everyone needs to be living for their own
path to Allah.
You can't be so over focused
on your children or your spouse or your
parents to the detriment of your own personal
growth.
Wow.
Both ways. Right? Because look at what brother
Ruhul says here. There were times when I
was losing hope in Allah
because I was losing the approval of my
mom.
Yeah. It's that's deep.
That's
deep. Well, because in your head,
the mother, the mother, the mother. Right? And
this is the this is the power that
mothers know that they wield. Right? Is that
the mother, the mother, the mother, the mother,
you know, the heaven and paradise under the
feet of the mother.
If we are not careful,
if we are not self aware, if we
don't discipline ourselves,
we can end up actually manipulating
our children
into
doing whatever it is that we want
in the guise of
the mother, the mother, the mother. I don't
know.
Absolutely.
And the thing is the son,
especially,
needs to learn the skill of being able
to say no
and still be
adored and respected. He needs to have that
structure in his brain in order to take
it to his marriage
and for his kids.
Stop right
stop.
Please say that. I'm gonna take this off
the screen.
Say that again,
please.
Man needs to and maybe actually,
women too, but the man more simply because
he's gonna be the head of the household.
Right. He needs to have the emotional
structure, I guess, you can say, the pattern,
the paradigm
where he can still be good
and be able to set boundaries and still
be
you
Then you learn that that's that that doesn't
get you what you want. And what does
get you what you want is simping, basically.
Exactly.
Exactly. And that does not gonna it's not
gonna get the respect of a woman either.
Right.
So it's lose lose.
It's lose lose. Guys, whoo, this is
we've got another master class on our hands
here. Alhamdulillah. I'm gonna bring sister Hoddan
in because she wanted to also
share her views, sis.
What's on your mind?
Begin with,
for
adding me.
Yeah. It's just a knowing
you spoke a lot of, wisdom. And I've
ruled you. To be fair, sis, I saw
your,
name your your name pop up on my
scroll, and I was like, should I watch
it or not? Then I watched it, and
I was like, oh, I don't wanna watch
this topic. No. I closed it, Then I
switched on. Then I closed it. Oh. And
it yes. I'll be honest because
I was listening to
I wanna say stuff and hopefully, if I
forget if I offend anyone, please forgive me.
But,
I'm listening to what everyone is talking about
and,
you know, I'm listening. I go, okay. A
lot of pain. Yes. Pain. Pain. Pain. What
our parents did. But
for me, I just become conscious and I
can't and I know no one's speaking ill
of their parents. They're just speaking of what
they've lived through. I get it. But subhanallah,
we must all stop and realize
whatever we have been through, nothing is by
accident. After all, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, what
did he create first? It was a qalim,
a pen. Mhmm. And he wrote
every detail
of everything.
What will happen, when it will happen, the
timing.
No no one can change the timing. So
then how what do we do with all
of this information?
You know? One thing in life, so I
don't know, what I've what I've learned
is there's 2 types of knowledge. The knowledge
which is taught to us Mhmm.
Which is that Quran and sunnah. Mhmm.
This is knowledge that's been brought down to
us and is is something that we don't
question, but it's taught knowledge. And then there's
something like I forgot the fancy word, but
it's known as
self realization.
The knowledge which we come to figuring out.
For example, 2 +2
is 4. Right? No one disagrees with it.
But one day,
one day, your mind will be like, well,
why is 2+24?
What makes it? Not 5, not 1, not
8. You figure it out. Does that make
sense? Mhmm. And from there,
plus 2 plus 2 is 4. You will
never
no one can change your mind on that.
You understand?
And when it comes to knowledge of single
moms or mothers or whatever
journey and, you know, it is reality. What
we're living in is a reality. Mhmm. And
there's a lot of pain and there's a
lot of stuff. Now what's the solution? The
solution is
the Quran and Sunnah. And I said it's
not openly or sarcastically. What does that mean
in our everyday life? Yeah. Because is it
impossible?
Like,
all of these stories that I'm hearing,
You know, may Allah guide everyone and reward
everyone who's trying and forgive us for our
shortcomings. Let me all of us.
They don't relate to me. You know, what
mother that when you talk about,
manipulative moms, emotion yeah. All of this, I
get it. But, again, who goes out their
way
to do this stuff? Does that make sense?
It's not a conscious effort, rather it's a
learned behavior or such or whatever it may
be.
Which they're often not conscious of, which they
often do unconsciously. It's like you said, it's
a learned behavior. It's just a pattern. Exactly.
So now what? What do we do? How
do we find our seerat? How do we
find that straight path? This world is a
journey. You understand this? It's you're gonna make
lots of mistakes. The best thing we can
do in life is
to
allow it, like, accept it, embrace it. This
is Allah's
well aware of what we do. SubhanAllah. He's
outside. He sees how much
and, you know, he he allows it. And
as for this concept of single parents,
subhanAllah,
who
like, who in their right mind will wake
up and say, you know what, today? I
might want a single mom. Yes, please. Here
we go. Like, no longer that way to
become a single parent. But, nevertheless, we find
ourselves in these shoes. And like Mariam, and
then what do we do? You know, as
humans, when we go through these trials, we
we always go after running for people to
help us. Right? We need the eyes or,
you know, what should I do? What should
I go? What should you naturally instantly look
for help. And sometimes when you keep looking,
you will never find that help, and you
get disheartened.
But then what
subhanAllah, that is when from my own personal
experience and Allah knows best.
I made a conscious effort in the eye
of a storm.
Never thought I'll find myself in a test
though. Nevertheless,
I I was in it. No way I
am. But then I made a conscious effort
by saying I choose Allah. Despite all of
this happening around me, I don't understand it.
It doesn't make sense,
but I choose Allah. You know? Yeah. At
some weird weird connection, it was like
switching my mind. I just made an effort.
I said, nothing else but I choose Allah.
And then from there,
the Hidayah of Allah, his guidance, his help
will come to you. And you and that's
the story of you, miss alaihis salaam. The
sweetness of it, it will come to you.
The realization will mean something to you
When you're of course. Of course, Allah. What
do you mean you save the man from
a girl?
Easy for Allah, but that's we need to
discover them. Yes. Does that make sense? Yeah.
We're we're here to return to him. Right?
And everything that is exactly as you said
Sorry, miss. I can't hear you. May Allah
bless you. Oh, can you hear me now?
Yes.
Okay. Sorry.
No. I was saying that, you know, we're
here on a journey, as you were saying,
and
all the things that we've spoken about, the
things that we've been through on our on
this journey,
Obviously, the fact is that we are who
we are today and where we are today
because that was the journey, and that's the
journey that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala wrote for
us. Right?
And the best way to make sense of
that journey
is by understanding things through the lens of
the qadr, through the lens of Tawakkal, through
the lens of
I'm just a traveler here. But, Yani,
that's what helps us to stand up
and go forth for another day and make
different choices and not lose hope. Right? Because
we know that it's it's part of a
plan, a much, much bigger
plan. So yeah. No. I I like that
you brought that perspective.
So do you do you feel that,
do you think
that
having conversations like what we're having today, where
we're kind of examining
our behavior,
do you think that it's not useful,
or do you do you feel that it
needs to go a step further? What what's
your take? Yeah. I think it def I
think it should go a step further in
the sense of
okay. So we are the reality is is
we are,
you know, we are wait we are not
our as a Ooma, we are
we can do much better. I don't wanna
say we we're not, you know, we are
not the seller. But but isn't it like
what we you know, this we can rebuild
ourselves is what I believe and all I
know is best. Agree. But how we do
it, what we do, is take the help.
And, you know, as it it sounds really
I know it sounds wish washy and maybe,
you know, that well, that's not a solution,
Hoda. But
subhanallah, everyone's solution and is as unique as
our fingerprints
in this band.
Mhmm. That's why for me, Tawakkot to Allah
and the Taqwa
is so you know, Allah's name is Allah
Al Thiif. He is Mhmm. So, you know,
he is gentle. He is so close to
us. You know, closer than our own jagged
or vein. What sister was saying about being
a parent, the truth is until you become
a parent,
we can run our mind.
We can talk the talk. We can talk
everything. We can say, I need
now again when you go through it. You're
careful with your tongue.
You lower that gaze.
Man, help that person. You don't dare even
question your inner soul because you fear I
love my pussy. I love Yeah. Don't don't
bring me that test, please. Don't test me
with that. It's true. It's true. Don't test
me with that. You only learn that by
what going through those mistakes. So I'll hand
it to you now. When you get to
that point, I'm talking to that individual, I
guess, who maybe in the Ida storm,
or who is on the other side, is
still confused, or whatever it is. It's a
journey. You know, the best solution I'll say,
like,
we're not talking about ideas in the sky.
I'm talking about bringing it into our reality.
It's a slow, like like, yes, like, when
I think, I can't handle pressure. If you
tell me, honan, you have to pray a
ton. I can barely do my 5 daily
prayers. And I'm almost at 1 meaning, the
pressure default.
If you tell me, you have to do
it. I'm not I'm I'm out of it.
Please. Peace. I can't do it.
That's just that's my nature. I dislike the
idea of pressure out, you know, but subhanAllah,
what is it then? But it's that when
I realized subhanAllah, the Hidayah is in Allah's
hand, and it's repeated in the Quran.
Develop relationship, make it your friend as the
prophet said. Let,
repeat
it. When I realized, oh my god. Wait.
I don't have to guide myself then?
Okay. It made journey it made it much
easier. In charge. Yeah. And that's helpful.
That feels good.
Because
when I do sin, and I do sin
constantly,
that hand pick me up, that road of
I hear random,
I hear random
something random, something small. Allah can guide us
all back, you know. So Yeah. It's tangible.
But if we all work on like, the
Ummah is a body. Let everyone focus on
fixing themselves, but even it's not and not
something outside.
You know what I mean? Every cell in
your body, let it let it illuminate,
the Quran and sunnah. Because like I said,
the story of Mariam or the story of,
mother of Musa alaihis salam. What if if
we were to talk about it as a
society,
who would have judged her for putting a
baby in the water, you know? Things don't
make sense. Right? Yeah. Things will never make
sense to others or what it is what
it is. And then, just panel, when you
go in your path, the words of others
will mean nothing to you. It doesn't bother
you, you know. In Surah Al Imran, the
ayah talking about,
the eye before it.
1st page. Sorry. I'm not very
knowledgeable in that sense, but first page was
Al Imran, you know, asking Allah for his
day. He wants he's guided our hearts, he's
talking about,
the Quran being the foundation. There's absurd eyes
that are the foundation. There's some that are
uncertain. Those with a disease in the heart,
they'd be like, oh, what does Allah mean
by this? I'm paraphrasing, by the way. And
then those of knowledge will say, we believe
this is from Allah and believe in all
of it. And only Allah knows what he
means by
the. Mhmm.
Yeah. Yes. You know that hadith that made
the.
The point is is, I don't know what
point I'm trying to make, but, you know,
this
this way of being, we have to put
our trust in Allah and
understand, you know, it's not for us to
get each other's way, but understand that.
When you when you found the hand of
Allah and Allah
many times, those who trust the hand of
Allah, they have found
the most trustworthy thing. Most trustworthy hand of
Allah. Yeah. Yeah. It releases, you know. The
untapped the unreal the the place that seems
unrealistic
is is brought close to you. And I
take every help that comes my way. When
that summer calls, hey, you want this? Yeah.
Sure. Why not? Because guess what? It's Allah
who brought that to me. And I keep
the advice all black. I personally recommend go
and seek knowledge. If you don't know how
to drive a car, you go to Atisha
to learn how to drive a car. If
you don't if you if you don't understand
the mind,
as a society, one thing I like is
our conversations nowadays
is bringing things to the forefront such as
mental health,
emotional well-being, understanding the the power of our
mind. Therefore,
let's, you know, take the help. Don't be
like, oh, it's worth. Take the help. Also,
do the pajama. Follow the sunnah. Slowly ink
do what you can with what skills you
have. Some people can read Quran. Some people
can maybe
fast whatever your skill set is.
Use the strength that you have and Allah
knows best, but our children that sit there,
they sit there performing, sir. They're in a
manner, and when you have the taqwa of
Allah, you will be much conscious in raising
you and increase the istakfa.
And last thing is facilitation of our prophet.
Last thing, It brings 2 benefits.
It it,
it's forgiveness for us, and also the most
important thing is when your heart is beating,
you don't know what to say or what
to do.
There's no way out.
Sister, brothers, let let's slow down.
Many before us have been in these shoes,
and many after us will be here. This
is in to hand. Even the animals go
for it. Love to connect with animals. Or
you could get on the phone with go
watch the elephant.
Oh, no. No?
Yeah. Some of us would rather live the
life of an elephant, to be honest, and
glad you wouldn't date that too. But, yes,
we say that. But Yeah. But the This
is our customer. On a dust. This is
our journey. Yes. Right now, 2022,
1444.
Yeah.
This is
a great place. You brought all of us
different different experiences, different enrichment. Let's take the
differences as a positive. Let's not fear it.
Let's respect it and make the for one
another the best. And like I said, the
mother's tongue is powerful.
Now I wanna know if there's all the
single sisters out there, don't lose hope. Keep
working on ourselves. And trust me,
Allah Allah is is a hadith and a
Portuguese Muslim. I am as my servant thinks
I am. So who is the lord that
you worship? Ask yourself. Figure that out, and
Allah knows best.
Thank you. Thank you for stopping by when
you saw the stream, and thank you for
coming back when you thought the stream was
not your cup of tea.
We appreciate it.
Thank you. Right. My ladies, I think we're
gonna wrap up, so I would love to
get some parting words. Let's let's end on
something of benefit
for the moms,
who are watching,
when it comes to sons? Just just like
a word. What what can we
what can we do better? What can we
do differently?
What do you guys think?
I would I would say that, you know,
span a lot that that I guess it's
really basic advice, really,
for all of us to really just build
our relationship with Allah that because when you
fix that relationship, Allah fixes the others.
Yeah. 100%.
Maliha?
So I would say,
like, when your children, when your son is
young, I know we all come into,
a marriage. We don't necessarily know our dean
as much as we should. You can take
that time and learn your deen. Right? You
can take that time to connect with Allah
and then slowly realize that this
is what you need to teach your kids.
So, like, one of the sisters said,
your
job is to facilitate,
that your children realize
that they are Muslim, that they have,
a lord to answer to,
not to please you.
But also remember that you are their mother.
Right? There is a lot they need to,
in terms of respect
and responsibility that they have towards you. And
that is a very
there's always a delicate balance. Right? The prophet
was
in the middle. Everything was in the middle.
So whenever we have these situations, just step
back and look at yourself and say, where
do I find balance? Right? Mhmm. And, of
course,
when dealing with your kids,
because they are your children, you might get
into a situation where you feel like I
have a right over them. Right? I have
done so much. I have made them who
they are. No. You haven't.
This
these kids are in your lives
to change you for the better. Vice versa,
you are in their life to change them
for the better. And whatever situation you've gone
through, you need to still step back and
say, how can I improve
through this situation? Not
what have I gained from this. Right?
What have what can I tell everyone? Like,
oh, look look at my son where he
he has accomplished what he has done. Just
remind yourself over and over again. It's from
Allah It's all from Allah. Move the ego.
I Move the ego. Make an effort,
but he is or she is who who
she is
because Allah
had mercy
to help them. Just make dua for them
all the time. Like, always keep them on
the straight path.
Have them pleasing to Allah.
And,
we're we're here to change and purifies ourself,
our heart, our tongue,
our mind, our actions, our everything. We we
eat whether we're parents, whether we're children,
we have faults.
So we can sit here and bash moms,
and we could sit here and bash mother
in laws and go on forever
and say, you know, what a horrible life
I've had.
But your
situation is there because of a reason to
build you, to to mold you into the
person you are. Right?
Take it
in a in a in a way where,
you can learn and improve from that. Don't
allow yourself to,
just
sit there and and feel sorry for yourself.
Right? Yeah. There are books written about it.
Purification of the heart, purification of the tongue,
learn the hadith.
I mean, all of these things will help
you improve yourself.
And,
because eventually, we have to meet our lord,
and so we have to meet at a
place where we feel comfortable. And I think
all of us can say we are not
there yet,
but that's the struggle we go through. Right?
For sure. So when you're doing this, your
son will see the struggle you're going through,
always learning, always trying to improve,
or your daughter. And that is a better
lesson than telling them what they should or
shouldn't do.
Mhmm. Or making yourself the god in the
situation and that your approval
is the standard. Right? And
that's you know, I mean, I I just
wanna,
finish up with this,
with this quote from that same series where
he says now he's addressing the men.
He says, men,
many mothers have wrapped up their identity as
a human being
so much in being your mother
that they can't let go.
This is one of the easiest ways to
emasculate yourself to your wife. It also happens
to be one that's the most easily fixable.
You might be willing to let mom mother
you forever.
You'll probably then look for a partner who
mothers you as well.
Understand something.
Your mom might be willing to mother you
forever,
but she's not doing that for you.
She's doing that for her because it gives
her meaning.
So no woman in the world is going
to respect a grown man who lets his
mom baby him, who expects his wife to
baby him too. Your wife wants a man.
Cut
the cord.
So
there's there's work on both sides. Right? There's
work for us to do as mothers, and
then there's there's things for our sons to
also understand. And I think for me, what
I hear is boundaries. Right? Sis, do you
do you hear the same thing? I'm hearing
simply having boundaries. Right?
Respectful, healthy boundaries
for a mother to have with her son
and for her son to have a son
to have with his mother. Would you say
that that's that's that's right? Yes. I think,
one of the major issues we probably have
is we don't understand what boundaries mean. Right?
We don't understand healthy boundaries.
That's probably
something that we can definitely learn from. And
not just for our husband, but towards our
kids as they grow
and develop and change. Right? Yes. And if
we set healthy boundaries around us, our kids
will see us an example and realize that
what they need to do in their lives
as well. That it's okay to set boundaries,
that they also can set boundaries Mhmm. Not
just within, you know, with between the 2
of you, but in life in general,
they can set boundaries
without fear of losing everything. Right? Like we
spoke about earlier. But, guys, I think that
we need to wrap this up because it's
over 2 hours, masha'Allah.
Sister Maniha, thank you so much for for
rocking with us right from the beginning. JazakAllah
Khairan, hope to see you as a, a
regular around here Insha'Allah.
And for everybody who is watching this, thank
you so much for for being with us
for the long haul.
Please make sure that you've liked the video
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Now tomorrow, I'll be back again with brother
Nasid. We're gonna be chopping it up. We're
gonna be doing some reactions. We're gonna have
some profiles for you. We may even do
another call in tomorrow, so please do join
us more or less same time tomorrow.
Next week's Wednesday, the livestream is going to
be about *,
and specifically
* and its impact on sisters.
So whether it's a sister who is addicted
or a woman whose husband is addicted,
We're gonna be discussing that, and we've got
some kind of experts to come onto the
show to have a conversation about this.
So please don't miss that.
If you enjoyed this, if you found good
from it, please do share the video widely
as much as possible. We want as many
people as possible to benefit from these and
and to to take good from these conversations,
to enjoy these conversations, you know, to come
and chill with us on a Wednesday night
and hopefully
take something from the conversation to go and
make your lives better, bi'idnillah.
So next, like I said, tomorrow I'll be
here again insha'Allah, and then next Wednesday we're
gonna be talking about, *. And then the
Wednesday after that, we are gonna be addressing
something called homophobia.
But it's not the homophobia that you guys
are used to. It's home as in home,
home the house, a phobia.
Are modern Muslim women allergic
to being housewives?
So I hope you guys, will rock with
me for those. Make sure you turn notifications
on on the channel and do make sure
that you hit the like button
before you leave the room.
Whatever you benefited from this, I want to
see it in the comments. I read all
the comments, and I wanna see what you
guys took from this inshallah.
But for now, I leave you in Allah's
care. Please do not forget to make dua
for my son
for my son oh, not my son, my
friend's son who passed away today,
and for mercy for his family and healing
for all of them. May Allah protect all
of you and your families and your children.
Allow them to be the coolness of your
eyes and raise them upon Iman and take
them back to him upon Iman as well.
For now,
I'm
out.