Naima B. Robert – Keeping flame alive

Because * is very basic.

It's real basic. It really is. It really

is. It's real simple.

You know, it doesn't you know, you I

don't know how I've built a career talking

about it because it's real basic. Right?

2 +2 equals 4. Right. That's it. That's

it. End of class.

And you're dismissed.

Drive home safely. Right?

Let's, okay, let's fast forward. Let's talk about

this 10 years in, 17 years in. Right?

Mhmm. I wanted to ask you what your

thoughts are or what you've been seeing or

what has has worked in terms of keeping

the flame alive. So, yes, you're committed to

each other. You love each other, you have

a family together and everything, but it's kind

of dead in the bedroom.

What's what's going on?

You know, I I was talking to a

friend of mine, Halima Taha.

Masha'Allah.

She's my sister. We were we we were

seeing a Broadway show. My very first Broadway

play, she surprised me with tickets. And we're

sitting, waiting,

and we were talking about how she was

raised and how her mother put her through,

you know,

* ed classes

and just really gave her a transformative upbringing.

And she was talking about the ways in

which I'm raising my daughter and how she

felt that that was that that was good.

And she said, isn't it nice that women

get to be owners of so many different

bodies in one lifetime?

We have our body before puberty. We have

our body during puberty. We have our body

before childbirth. And even if we don't choose

to have babies, we have our body as

we move into menopause. It's all these iterations

of the same form.

And as she was talking about it, I

was thinking about * is like that in

a marriage.

Wow. You have all of these different iterations

of different bodies

and different moods and how it can become

boring because * is very basic.

It's real basic. It really is. It really

is. It's real simple.

You know, it doesn't you know, you I

don't know how I've built a career talking

about it because it's real basic. Right?

2 +2 equals 4. Right. That's it. That's

it. End of class.

Drive home safely. Right?

But when you've been in when you've been

in a marriage long term, I think. So

first of all, being in a marriage long

term, there's really no formula for desire.

It's choosing your partner Every day,

waking up and saying, I choose you, even

when I don't like you. And it's okay,

because sometimes you don't like your partner. Sometimes

you're like, why are you breathing like that?

Why are you chewing like that? Why are

you Sometimes you're like, why are you breathing

like that? Why are you chewing like that?

Why do your feet smell like that? Right?

And then I have to have * with

this person, but it's boring. It's boom boom

boom. Right? We have we get into cycles

of maintenance *. So that's why I I

really encourage Muslim couples who have fit into

sort of one of one of 3 categories.

They've been married to each other for a

long time.

They were married to other people for a

long time, got divorced, and then came together

again, or people who lived a life prior

to Islam,

where they have * with other people and

then they get married. So these are all

people who have different levels of experience

I invite them to explore.

Mhmm. I think exploration is important, and I

think communication is important. It's important to talk

about the rut before it happens, because you

can feel when a sexual rut is about

to happen.

Feel it.

The * becomes less frequent. Mhmm. It, you

start to resort to your greatest hits playlist.

I know if I touch you here, and

I blow on this part, and I kiss

you in this way. Playlist. Oh, no. You

know, it's like the greatest hits. Okay. Let's

play track 174.

Right? I know that this is gonna get

us to the it but that becomes boring.

No one wants to eat the same thing

every night. So exploring

is important. You know, think about the way

that you might prepare a chicken. You can

fry it. You can fricassee it. You can

stew it. You can do all these things.

Look at * the same way. And that's

where we get into things like kink,

use of

costuming and fantasy

and toys and other things, all staying within

the confines of Islam. Because the hope is

that if you've been together that long,

that you know that what you're doing is

not transgressing the bounds of the religion.

You're comfortable enough with your own body and

you're comfortable enough with your partner's body that

now you can start to play. And playfulness

is a part of our deen also. Right?

From Rasulullah

We know that he was very playful with

his wives. So in long term marriages, it's

very important

to do the research and find out you

know, you can even look at Rasulullah

What did he do with his wives? Right?

He's the hadith the hadith are very explicit

in their detail

in how he approached foreplay,

how he was he was very

romantic,

Looking at that, and then looking at what

is available out on the global marketplace right

now that can bring us pleasure in our

relationship. You know, can can we can

we have

dom sub scenarios within our marriage? Is that

okay? Like, is that is that something that

we can try? Communicating and talking about that

with your partner. Are there certain toys that

you wanna use? Non insertive toys,

lubricant. Do you wanna try that? I think

talking about *. Couples who talk about *

have better *.

Okay. So that's a really big teaching point,

and I'm wondering how many of the viewers

have conversations

about * with their with their spouse. Right?

Is that something that should be happening on

a regular basis, do you think? Is that

just general relationship maintenance? Like, what are we

talking here? Hey. We need to have a

* conversation. Put it in the diary. Come

let's do this. No.

Okay. Uh-huh. Yes. There was act there's actually

a study. I can't think of the name

of it. It just came out. It's a

study, on couples who have good *. And

one of the things that they talked about

is scheduling *. I'm a huge fan of

scheduling *. I'm a huge fan of scheduling

* talks, And I'm a huge fan of

having * talks outside of the bedroom.

I work in a non profit. Anybody who

works in business will tell you, you have

your quarterly, you have to meet your quarterly

profit margins. You have your monthly reports. You

should have the same thing for your marriage.

You have to run your marriage like an

organization.

Okay. You have date night, that's fine. Once

a week,

biweekly, once a month, we're gonna talk about

*. In fact, there's a book called A

* Journal, and it that is specifically what

it is for, where you can talk about

what did I enjoy,

what do I want to see us do

more of. It's a very positive strength based

strength based approach.

I think couples should talk about * and

make it regular. And let that be the

boring part. Let talking about * be the

mundane part, not the actual *. Let the

3rd Tuesday of the month okay. Here she

comes. She gonna talk about what we gonna

do now. Okay. What positions we gonna try

this week? Okay. Alright.

Let that be the part. Because talking about

*, what it does is it normalizes it

as an important part of the conversation. We

talk about bills, we talk about the kids'

education,

we talk about mortgage, we talk about taking

trips to Umrah. So why not talk about

*? Because that is, whether we like it

or not. * is one of the core

foundations of marriage. So it needs to be

given its own space and time to discuss

and explore.