Naima B. Robert – Keeping flame alive
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the importance of having sex in marriage, citing friend advice and experiences for a long term marriage. They stress the benefits of exploring and communicating with partners before sexual activities, including fryting and stewting toys. They also emphasize the importance of regular sex talks and finding one's own independence in playfulness. The speaker emphasizes the need for regular sex talks to avoid becoming boring and finding one's own space and time to explore one's interests.
AI: Summary ©
Because * is very basic.
It's real basic. It really is. It really
is. It's real simple.
You know, it doesn't you know, you I
don't know how I've built a career talking
about it because it's real basic. Right?
2 +2 equals 4. Right. That's it. That's
it. End of class.
And you're dismissed.
Drive home safely. Right?
Let's, okay, let's fast forward. Let's talk about
this 10 years in, 17 years in. Right?
Mhmm. I wanted to ask you what your
thoughts are or what you've been seeing or
what has has worked in terms of keeping
the flame alive. So, yes, you're committed to
each other. You love each other, you have
a family together and everything, but it's kind
of dead in the bedroom.
What's what's going on?
You know, I I was talking to a
friend of mine, Halima Taha.
Masha'Allah.
She's my sister. We were we we were
seeing a Broadway show. My very first Broadway
play, she surprised me with tickets. And we're
sitting, waiting,
and we were talking about how she was
raised and how her mother put her through,
you know,
* ed classes
and just really gave her a transformative upbringing.
And she was talking about the ways in
which I'm raising my daughter and how she
felt that that was that that was good.
And she said, isn't it nice that women
get to be owners of so many different
bodies in one lifetime?
We have our body before puberty. We have
our body during puberty. We have our body
before childbirth. And even if we don't choose
to have babies, we have our body as
we move into menopause. It's all these iterations
of the same form.
And as she was talking about it, I
was thinking about * is like that in
a marriage.
Wow. You have all of these different iterations
of different bodies
and different moods and how it can become
boring because * is very basic.
It's real basic. It really is. It really
is. It's real simple.
You know, it doesn't you know, you I
don't know how I've built a career talking
about it because it's real basic. Right?
2 +2 equals 4. Right. That's it. That's
it. End of class.
Drive home safely. Right?
But when you've been in when you've been
in a marriage long term, I think. So
first of all, being in a marriage long
term, there's really no formula for desire.
It's choosing your partner Every day,
waking up and saying, I choose you, even
when I don't like you. And it's okay,
because sometimes you don't like your partner. Sometimes
you're like, why are you breathing like that?
Why are you chewing like that? Why are
you Sometimes you're like, why are you breathing
like that? Why are you chewing like that?
Why do your feet smell like that? Right?
And then I have to have * with
this person, but it's boring. It's boom boom
boom. Right? We have we get into cycles
of maintenance *. So that's why I I
really encourage Muslim couples who have fit into
sort of one of one of 3 categories.
They've been married to each other for a
long time.
They were married to other people for a
long time, got divorced, and then came together
again, or people who lived a life prior
to Islam,
where they have * with other people and
then they get married. So these are all
people who have different levels of experience
I invite them to explore.
Mhmm. I think exploration is important, and I
think communication is important. It's important to talk
about the rut before it happens, because you
can feel when a sexual rut is about
to happen.
Feel it.
The * becomes less frequent. Mhmm. It, you
start to resort to your greatest hits playlist.
I know if I touch you here, and
I blow on this part, and I kiss
you in this way. Playlist. Oh, no. You
know, it's like the greatest hits. Okay. Let's
play track 174.
Right? I know that this is gonna get
us to the it but that becomes boring.
No one wants to eat the same thing
every night. So exploring
is important. You know, think about the way
that you might prepare a chicken. You can
fry it. You can fricassee it. You can
stew it. You can do all these things.
Look at * the same way. And that's
where we get into things like kink,
use of
costuming and fantasy
and toys and other things, all staying within
the confines of Islam. Because the hope is
that if you've been together that long,
that you know that what you're doing is
not transgressing the bounds of the religion.
You're comfortable enough with your own body and
you're comfortable enough with your partner's body that
now you can start to play. And playfulness
is a part of our deen also. Right?
From Rasulullah
We know that he was very playful with
his wives. So in long term marriages, it's
very important
to do the research and find out you
know, you can even look at Rasulullah
What did he do with his wives? Right?
He's the hadith the hadith are very explicit
in their detail
in how he approached foreplay,
how he was he was very
romantic,
Looking at that, and then looking at what
is available out on the global marketplace right
now that can bring us pleasure in our
relationship. You know, can can we can
we have
dom sub scenarios within our marriage? Is that
okay? Like, is that is that something that
we can try? Communicating and talking about that
with your partner. Are there certain toys that
you wanna use? Non insertive toys,
lubricant. Do you wanna try that? I think
talking about *. Couples who talk about *
have better *.
Okay. So that's a really big teaching point,
and I'm wondering how many of the viewers
have conversations
about * with their with their spouse. Right?
Is that something that should be happening on
a regular basis, do you think? Is that
just general relationship maintenance? Like, what are we
talking here? Hey. We need to have a
* conversation. Put it in the diary. Come
let's do this. No.
Okay. Uh-huh. Yes. There was act there's actually
a study. I can't think of the name
of it. It just came out. It's a
study, on couples who have good *. And
one of the things that they talked about
is scheduling *. I'm a huge fan of
scheduling *. I'm a huge fan of scheduling
* talks, And I'm a huge fan of
having * talks outside of the bedroom.
I work in a non profit. Anybody who
works in business will tell you, you have
your quarterly, you have to meet your quarterly
profit margins. You have your monthly reports. You
should have the same thing for your marriage.
You have to run your marriage like an
organization.
Okay. You have date night, that's fine. Once
a week,
biweekly, once a month, we're gonna talk about
*. In fact, there's a book called A
* Journal, and it that is specifically what
it is for, where you can talk about
what did I enjoy,
what do I want to see us do
more of. It's a very positive strength based
strength based approach.
I think couples should talk about * and
make it regular. And let that be the
boring part. Let talking about * be the
mundane part, not the actual *. Let the
3rd Tuesday of the month okay. Here she
comes. She gonna talk about what we gonna
do now. Okay. What positions we gonna try
this week? Okay. Alright.
Let that be the part. Because talking about
*, what it does is it normalizes it
as an important part of the conversation. We
talk about bills, we talk about the kids'
education,
we talk about mortgage, we talk about taking
trips to Umrah. So why not talk about
*? Because that is, whether we like it
or not. * is one of the core
foundations of marriage. So it needs to be
given its own space and time to discuss
and explore.