Naima B. Robert – Indications your husband is addicted Br. Wael Ibrahim
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Assalamu alaikum Warahmatullahi
Barakatuhu Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim Alhamdulillah
Wassalam Arasullahi
Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. My dear respected brothers and
sisters in Islam and everyone, this is your
brother Wa'al Ibrahim recording for the online webinar
secret of successful marriages.
Thanks to sister Naima Roberts for the invitation.
May Allah
make every lecture, every presentation, every workshop,
and panel discussion
along this journey of the online webinar beneficial
to one and all. Ameen al Barami. Now
I picked the topic of indications
your husbands
are addicted to *.
It may sound a little bit confronting,
but it's something
that is absolutely real that we deal with
on a daily basis now, and it has
to come to the light insha'Allah. It has
to come to light so that we can
discuss it and understand
how to cope and how to deal with
these issues.
So I want you to fasten your seatbelts
whether you are a husband who's impacted by
this addiction
or you're not.
Whether you are a wife who have seen
their husbands
watching, browsing *,
and you have no courage to
confront them or talk to them, or perhaps
their behavior, their online behavior led to fights
and screaming and
lack of peace and tranquility within your homes.
Whoever you are, my brothers and sisters, even
if you have the intention to marry very
soon, I think everyone should pay attention to
what I'm about to share.
Now first of all, this was a response,
this talk or this booklet that, perhaps I
will share it with sister Naima to email
it to those who joined the webinar in
the last. So it was a response to
an email that came into my inbox through
so many wives who are complaining
about their husband's behavior online,
specifically their engagement or their involvement with *,
* materials, and the like. And they were
asking, how can we really tell whether they
are addicted or not? So that was a
response to so many emails from sisters who
wanted to know how to
recognize this addiction, how to recognize that their
husbands are actually addicted to *,
and how can they cope with this mental
traumatic
experiences that they go through as a result
of this, and how to help their husbands
if there'll be any intention, inshaAllah, to move
forward with the lives,
Now remember, whatever I'm about to share, inshaAllah,
may vary from one sister to another, from
one husband to another, and you may not
find any of them. So Allah Subhanahu Wa
Ta'ala make our life easy.
What is necessary is that perhaps this conversation
or this talk will open the door for
a conversation between spouses on that issue in
a blunt
manner so that we avoid falling into these
traps.
Now one of the most common indicators that
your husband probably is addicted to *
is a change of sexual behavior during intimacy.
* happened to be
the primary
source of education when it comes to *
and sexual
performances,
and that leads to a lot of problems
because
mainstream * teaches
men to be aggressive against the woman. And
they portray that women actually feel pleasure when
they are slapped, when they are
pulled from their hairs, when they are called
dirty names, when they are spat on, and
the like. All these things are presented
throughout *
films. In fact, there was a research where
a professor
and her team, they purchased
* content
for a period of time of, I think,
10 years. And they went through every scene
and they came up with the conclusion that
88%.
That was the study, That was the research.
That they went through the hassle of every
scene. They watched every scene,
and they came with the result that 88%
of those scenes
contain aggression whether verbally or physically against women.
88%.
And when people grow up
consumed by this content,
then their brains start learning that this is
the way how to perform
sexual
intimacy with our spouse when we get married.
And as a result, if you notice that
there are few
new moves like slapping, like, you know,
calling names and the like, asking you to
do things against your will and the like,
there is your indication.
And when you observe these things, like whenever
we discuss a point related to
those indications,
it's a gateway for you to start a
conversation with your husband
gently, nicely.
Now you're learning
how to spot these these issues that could
be a massive,
problem in the future of, you know, your
relationships,
your children, and the like. Now you have
a role to play as a wife to
open up this conversation bluntly and courageously. The
second most common indicator that your husband probably
is addicted to * is loss of interest
about sexual intimacy. So he prefers to be
in isolation with himself,
probably watching * and *.
And as a result, the brain learns that
this is the only way to attain sexual
pleasure through screens, pixels, and of course *,
then why would he bother to have sexual
intimacy with you? So when you when you
start realizing or observing that he's avoiding sexual
intimacy,
probably this is the time for you to
open up this conversation because the overwhelming novelty
and fantasy provided by * industry condition the
brain
to attain sexual pleasure only through, this means,
* and *. So when you start observing
this, immediately open a conversation with your husband,
probably, hopefully, inshallah, he would open up and
seek help from you. Because once you become
his support
or accountability partner, as we call it, then
the cure lies there, inshallah. Then there is
a hope for this relationship to be reignited
and reestablished.
The third point on the list is, and
this is something, by the way, is happening
on a massive scale, especially among young people,
is loss of erection during sexual intimacy with
your
partner, with your wife.
And this is known as * induced erectile
dysfunction. So when the brain as we mentioned
earlier, when the brain condition you to attain
pleasure through screens and pixels and the like,
then you will not be able to maintain
or have even erection
with a real life partner because you are
conditioned to attain that sort of pleasure through
* or through * and *.
So when you notice that pattern, if it's
happening
regularly on a regular basis,
this is the time you should pose
and ask him what's going on. This is
the time where you should perhaps
investigate
the matter by taking him maybe to a
physician or medical doctor to see if if
the issue is medical. There are many people
who are, may Allah cure us or who
are suffering from diabetes and the like. They
also suffer from this erectile dysfunction condition. If
it's physical,
then there is no issue probably with *.
But if it's not if he if he's
physically fit and there is no any issue
to indicate
that his erection
is a result of any physical problem,
then most likely * is part of his
life, and this is an issue that you
will have to discuss openly The 4th indication,
of course, is spending unnecessary
long hours on the Internet
browsing aimlessly through
social media accounts of girls who are wearing
inappropriate clothes and the like. This is an
indication
that your husband's been feeding his brain with
all these novelty and images
that * introduces to his life.
So it's very important for you to
realize this because I know some wives will
go into
the phones of their husbands to check what
they're doing. Out of care and jealousy, of
course, they are worried.
They're worried to lose them because I have
seen here in in my counseling office, many
divorces
happen right here.
Some would wait for a year, 2 or
3. Some will wait for 20 years. It
depends on, really, your level of patience. And
the damage is not just about the divorce
that may happen, but it it could extend
to,
even areas related to children who have called
their their their their fathers in the act.
Their role model. Imagine this. So spending long
hours on the Internet, despite the fact that
you're around the house, you're not doing anything,
like, you know, you're you're not busy. You're
just sitting
on the couch, and he isn't
care the least just browsing.
It's an indication that there's something pulling him
away from you. So, again, this is a
chance for you to open a conversation. Don't
just let this become your habit that my
husband comes home on his phone all night,
and I just gave up talking to him.
No. Don't give up on your husband. Keep
on opening this
conversation. Perhaps one day he will be fed
up himself, and he will tell you, you
know what? I need help. Now the 5th
indicator is something that I don't recommend,
but if it happens by Qadar Yani, if
you happen to look into the history
of your husband's device,
laptop,
desktop computer, or whatever,
and you notice that it is always deleted.
So this is a big indicator
that he doesn't want you to see something.
And, again, this is something very natural if
you we we are not recommending spying on
your husband here. But if you happen to
look by cover
and you stumble across these history pages being
always deleted,
it means that he doesn't want you to
see what he's been watching.
So this is again an indication
that probably he's hooked up on these images,
and you need to do your part to
go and open up a healthy conversation to
help him out, inshaAllah. The next point is
that when sometimes wives reach out to their
husbands lovingly
in a very nice manner telling them that,
hey, I observed this or I observed that
or I've seen this or I've seen that.
What is going on? And you start noticing
a very defensive character
exploding
to defend himself. This is yet another indication.
Because if you if you don't have guilt
in you, you don't have to really shout
a screen or feel bad or feeling accused
of something,
because you have nothing
in you that is that feels that guilt
or that shame. So
reacting in a very defensive manner, it's an
indication that there's something.
So this is something for our my brothers
out there who are maybe addicted to *
too. Just, you know, man up and go
and tell your wives bluntly and openly and
honestly and transparently to, help you out. Like,
I have a problem. I had a problem.
I've been suffering from this for years, and
I'm pleased. I need your help. I'm sorry
about all these years that I couldn't tell
you anything about this issue. It's been difficult
to share, and I I agree. It's absolutely
something horrific to share, but it's absolutely necessary.
I mean, Until when will you live in
that cycle? And do you wanna die in
that cycle?
So this is an advice for the brothers.
If you wanna really a successful marriage, you
have to establish that marriage on transparency
transparency and honesty. Jafar ibn Abi Tal, brother,
allahu ala, when he migrated with the early
Muslims to Abyssinia.
And when the and Najashi, the king asked
him, what did your prophet teach you? The
first thing he said, he told us to
worship Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala, one true God,
and to speak the truth. The second on
the list was honesty
and truthfulness.
So be honest, go go and and and
expect the wave to launch on you. Expect
the wave to come and crash you for
a couple of hours, a couple of days,
until you cool down. But Allah, in my
experience of over
19 years helping people with this issue,
I have noticed, like, over 90% or more
of wives will react in a mild manner
after the wave. Like, they will they will
show support after the wave. 10% or less
maybe will decide to walk away, but the
majority, the overwhelming majority,
after this anger moment
that or the shocking moments. And
and also, of course, the the traumatic moment
that will make them feel that they are
less beautiful, less attractive, or what's wrong with
me? You know that. There is nothing wrong
with you, sister.
It's all about him. He's addicted, and the
addiction is in in the brain, and now
he needs your help. That's all what it
is. So don't don't try to,
Yani, turn into a * star to to
please your husband. There are many sisters who
are added, and they discover that their husbands
are addicted to *.
They go to * sites to learn what's
happening there so that they can do the
same with their husbands, and and that adds
more trouble to your
existing dramas because you might become addicted yourself.
2nd, you will never be able to compete
with the buffet of *. There are many,
many,
you know, different sizes, different shapes, different colors,
different this, different that. And those actors and
actresses, they follow a script
for them to to record 1 shoot here,
one scene here. They follow a very specific
script. It take them hours to shoot a
a scene of 1 or 2 minutes because
they wanna hook you on these,
content. So may Allah protect us all.
But once your husband acted
in a defensive manner,
this is an indication
that there is something he is hiding and
worried about. The final point on the list,
and this also one of the things that
became very, very common in recent years that
I, myself, hear from couples,
is that criticizing your appearances. So when when
your husband start asking you to lose weight,
when your husband asks you to do this,
to do that, your body has changed. When
before marriage, you were like this. Look at
your body now and so on. This is,
again, another indication
that your husband been seeing loads of images
online
of these bodies and these images
that perhaps
became his
fantasy and his
preferences
in terms of, women's body.
And, and because *, they select those people,
they select them. They wanted the standard to
be like this. Everyone now who has a
wife with different shape, different color, different, you
know, height and so on and so forth,
they started
feeling, you know, the lack of interest that
we talked about and they look at these
images more.
And in order for them to feel less
guilty, okay, so if my wife looked like
this, I would be more interested. See, SubhanAllah.
So when they start
criticizing your body, your shape, and this and
that, this is an indication your husband being
hooked on these images,
and now he doesn't find you as attractive
as those images. So may Allah protect us
all. All of these indications and there are
much more than that. So InshaAllah, in the
book, in the ebook that I will share
with sister Naima,
and InshaAllah Ta'ala, with her permission she can
share it with everyone. You'll see few more,
points that are also related to what we
discussed. But the the the main intention of
this booklet was not to really go and
spy on our husbands,
not to look into
one of those signs and say, hey. Shekwa
Al said this. Look. There's an indication you're
addicted. No.
It's an invitation for all of us, husbands
and wives out there,
to be transparent,
to be honest, to be truthful, and also
to open these types of conversations that are
looked at as taboo and sensitive and the
like, and to see perhaps if we could
sit together
and assist one another and help one another
for the sake of our children who would
be, InshaAllah, our goal
to bring up in a healthy in healthy
homes. That's that's the main goal. We wanted
to bring up children who are Muslims,
who are committed to the deen of Allah
Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala, who are well mannered.
And in a home where a husband is
in the bathroom
watching something and *,
there are chances that your children will catch
you in the act. Your wife, one day,
will come and say, enough is enough. I'm
walking out. Why? Because of this. You would
be exposed.
Your children will get to know, and you'll
be ruining not only your life, your wife's
life, but your children's life as well. May
Allah protect us all, my brothers and sisters
in Islam. If anything I've mentioned here is
wrong, this is from my shortcoming.
May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala forgive us all,
but if there is anything beneficial was mentioned,
it's from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. And as
such, I ask you all to follow the
best of what has been mentioned. Jazakumullah khairam
for listening. Thank you once again, sister Naimah.
And may Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala grant this
webinar a massive success.