Naima B. Robert – Doing Polygamy Right
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AI: Transcript ©
Welcome to this session of the Black Muslim
Festival,
which is being led by
our coaches,
our faves,
coach Nyla, coach Fatima, and coach Nazir of
outstanding personal relationships.
Guys, if you haven't seen these guys talk
before,
get ready for a treat. They are gonna
bring
it today
and I believe that our topic today is
getting polygamy, or should that be polygyny
right? Take it away, guys. Bismillah.
Alright.
I'm coach Nadir.
Peace is Nyla. Coach Nyla.
Peace is Fatima. Coach Fatima.
First of all, we're honored to be here
and just to let you know the breakdown
of how we're going to do this over
this next couple of hours
is yep. We we are across the pond
from many of you, so,
just come in. So this so the way
we're gonna break it up is actually gonna
make it much easier for us as well.
We're gonna do it kinda how we do
our monthly program when when we work with
our members at outstanding personal relationships.
So we're gonna talk briefly for about 10,
15 minutes. Gotta talk about polygyny, kinda its
dynamics, its importance, and its place in today's
society.
And then we're also gonna do individual trainings.
Alright. Sometimes,
when you learn about positioning, it might be
from a physical perspective. It might just be
in theory. We're gonna talk to you
about practically,
how to implement it, how to deal with
different things, share with you our our challenges,
being transparent, and we're gonna do it individually
since all 3 of us are here.
Alright? I'm married to both these women. These
are these are my wives. They're co wives
of each other, and currently in our 10
year 10th year,
practicing collision at least I'm practicing collision in
10 years. They're not practicing collision in, if
you will, you know, so to speak.
But so we're 10 years in. So what
we're gonna do is after we get done
in in the first 10, 15 minutes introduction,
if you will, is coach Fatima is gonna
go ahead,
and train. I know that you wanna hear
from the women, especially. I I can see
that there are a lot of sisters in
the room, and they usually wanna hear from
the other sisters. So we're gonna start,
there from that perspective, then we go coach
Nyla, and I'll kinda bring up the rear,
and then we're gonna open up for question
and answers. It also gives us a time
to offer Salat and everything else.
Right?
Sounds good, everybody?
Alright. Good stuff. Good stuff.
So
here we go.
Now
I don't again, I don't you know, y'all
could jump in anytime.
I don't want to just go ahead there.
But listen, let's talk about,
polygyny. And and, again, just
in general, it's placed
in today's society. Now, again, we're not anti
monogamy. We need to make that clear right
up front. We are pro morals,
pro morals, which means marriage.
The challenge is,
there are different forms of marriage.
Okay? And we're not giving that in general
in today's society anyway. We just know monogamy.
That's it. It's like, that's just what it
is. And the problem there becomes that there's
a big hole, there's a gap, there's a
deficit, and learning anything else,
period. So when it comes to polygyny, this
isn't first of all, a lot of Allah
let you know to marry 2 or 3
or 4, and if you feel you can't
do justice, then one.
Alright? So who's educating on polygyny? Because I
hear horror stories, and we know that negative
news spreads
13 times faster than positive news.
So who's educating? Who's showing how to do
things practically? Who's dealing with these different aspects,
and stuff like that? And we found that
that
is a major problem, not just in our
community, just in the world as a whole.
And not having that information caused us to
have to go through a trial and error
method and and learn from a lot of
different sources and put things together. So one
of the reasons we even talk and teach
on polygyny
is because we had we chose to kind
of be the change that we wanted to
see. You know, many of us know that
quote. We wanted to be the change. We
wanna be a resource, and we had to
weigh whether or not we're gonna be
everyone. It looks like the video is frozen.
If you can hear us coaches, the video
is frozen,
and there's no sound.
Not today, Shaitan.
No. No. No.
They're out here ready to get some knowledge,
and he was dropping the gems as well.
Let me try and reconnect us. Here we
go.
Alright. Assalamu alaikum. You're back.
Can
you hear me?
Okay. It's frozen again.
Okay. Let me try and get in touch
with them.
We got these frozen.
Okay.
Alright. So let let them get a chance
to log out
and come back in again inshallah.
Just from what I'm hearing, guys, I'm hearing
this idea that,
you know, really in general, all we kind
of learn about is is is polygamy,
polygyny.
No. Sorry. Is is monogamy.
Right? Is monogamy
and, you know, the whole all the narrative.
Right? Soulmate and, you know, the one and
all of that kind of thing.
I like And yes,
are you back with us? I'm hoping so.
Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
This
is.
It's Fadullah. Go ahead.
Alright. So I don't know necessarily where we
left off, but I've been married to coach,
Fatima for 25 years
and, to coach Naila for 10 years. So
we've practiced polygyny,
for 10 years. And and coach Fatima just
kinda talk a little bit more about polygyny,
in general
before she even goes, into our training.
Well, I wanna start with,
you know, being a young wife. I was
20
when I got married.
And if I could go back, I would
learn more about polygyny and why it is
healthy,
as far as society goes, as far as
our culture goes.
I would go way back and and get
really involved in educating myself
as a wife, as a Muslim, period, on
the importance of polygyny and its place in
society because it does have a place in
society. I will be getting into that with
my training.
I never had an issue
with polygyny being allowed in Islam. It's just
I think it's the fear of not
knowing what it is and the rules and
the ins and outs of it and the
insecurities that can be tied to it, jealousies
that can be tied to it. So, I
was not willing to practice polygamy
when I was a younger version of myself,
because
I came from a place where women shared
men and it was always a negative.
Not all experienced, basically. And they were not
Muslims.
Super, ultra negative,
experiences. So I didn't have a good springboard,
to even open up the discussion, the dialogue.
And I think a lot of times or
well, back then, people hid even though polygyny
was being practiced at that time,
but people didn't feel safe to talk about
it. So I'm so happy that now we're
having these discussions and we're talking about our
truths and how it is for the men,
how it is for the women because
living in a polygynous
family is different
between men and women. It is not the
same experience. So my experience was speaking to
women that were in polygyny
or had practiced polygyny or been in a
family that practice polygyny. Let's say it was
a daughter, her father
practice polygyny.
Then those are the women I wanted to
sit among because they were the ones that
were gonna tell you
the raw uncut
version of their experience or the experience of
their father. Because a lot of our our
daughters have friends that their fathers were in
polygyny. So they have many siblings and it's
no big deal to them because they're used
to it and they were raised in it.
So I love now that I'm in a
place where I've grown to understand that this
is a thing. It's important,
to talk about
and to learn about.
You know, even if you're not in polygyny,
it's good to study polygyny. You know, coach
Nyla has a really,
you know, great story about how she studied
it.
I don't know how great it is. Actually,
you know, I like that she said it
all nice
because it's just something like it's,
I I think when it with me, when
it came to,
studying and learning about polygyny,
this how it came to my attention was
because when I was talking about converting to
Islam,
that's what everybody talked about. Like, that was
the thing where people knew. If they know
anything else about Islam,
they knew that the men could have more
than one wife. So that's how I was
introduced to them. Like, can't the husband have
more than 1 wife? Can't the husband have
more than 1 wife? So my thing is
if I'm studying Islam,
I'm studying the deen that I'm looking forward
to, you know, going into to or converting
to or anything like that, or just even
trying to,
get more information because I'm the type of
person that say, well, why do people believe
what they believe?
Why do people behave the way they do?
It's like I'm the why, why, why person.
And,
I learned different, you know, different from different
people, different walks of life. And then when
I started to study Islam,
like, this make a lot of sense. And
then when I started telling people that I
was studying Islam, then people brought up the
whole polygyny aspect, and I was like okay.
Never heard of that really because I didn't
hear the ins and outs, of Islam. So
I was like well let me study that
too, You know? And it made so much
sense to me.
And I just think because coming from
a single parent
household,
growing up that way, and then not only
just my mother being a single parent
and watching how that was,
My grandmother was a single parent. It was
like all the women in my family, like,
go do it. It was like single parents,
single parents, single parents.
And either, you know, we're dealing with
men not being around or being locked up
because of you know, locked up going to
jail because of societal or just
the way society is, you know, targeting black
men and, different things like that. And polygyny
just made so much sense because it was
like that it takes a nation or it
takes a village, you know, to raise a
child and all this other stuff.
So yeah. I mean, I guess that was
my introduction,
so to speak, you know, of polygyny, and
it just made sense to me. Now
I'm,
this is not my first marriage. So I
was in monogamy before and got divorced and
you know? So
so I'm not, you know, not,
like I said, you know, not averse to
the the the monogamy thing. I'm not the
person that said like we say, we don't
talk about we don't we're not anti monogamy.
You know, we're just pro morals. It's just
now, you know, you get so much information
on monogamy. You know, how to live, you
know, how to be married, how to do
the things as a wife, and, you know,
all this other stuff. But polygyny doesn't get
that fair shape, you know. So we didn't
have the information
that we are putting out there. And we
have some basic
principles or what polygamy you know, the basics
of what polygamy looks like,
but not the ins and outs, the emotions
that go with it, the different challenges, the
blending of the families, a lot of the
different things
that we decided, of course, like, what coach
not there and coach talked about that. We
decided to be
that, you know, springboard of re be the
change
and, you know, do the,
do the work because we were doing the
work because we wanted success in our marriages.
And that by doing the work in our
marriages, we're like, okay. This is working. This
is good. And then we're seeing people fall
apart. Their marriages fall apart around us. They're
like, no. You know, we have to
at least
share, you know, what we know. Kind of
the reluctant hero thing
when people ask you, like, okay. So, you
know, is this really real? Are you guys
really, you know, happy in this? And, you
know, wow. It seems like you're very happy
in this. So what is the secret sauce,
which
is not really a secret sauce. It's just,
you know, it's it's work and it's,
things that we must do in order to
create the marriage we desire,
whether it's monogamy or polygyny, but definitely
because polygyny is not, you know, the light
is not shined on it as much and
no one is really teaching it. I mean,
people aren't teaching it like they should. We
decided that we have to be that.
Indeed. So we're gonna pretty much hop into
it. I do wanna make just a couple
quick points.
One is that Islam did not bring polygyny.
Okay? The prophet Muhammad
religion had already been practiced in society before
he was born, and it's been practiced for
1000 of years and has actually been the
norm for quite some time. What Islam did
was simply regulate it. It made it fair,
regulated, and provided for us the best blueprint.
And
I'm concerned that we are doing a disservice,
meaning the Muslim community,
Muslims,
is Al Hakim, the the most wise, Alright?
Al-'alim, the all knowing,
has given us a system of marriage.
Alright? Whether it's monogamy or polygyny.
But if we're not talking about it, if
we're not teaching it, if we're not showing
the practical matters of what the best person
who ever walked this earth, alayhis salatu alayhis
salatu alayhis salatu alayhis salam
practiced, then we're doing our own selves and
our own ummah a a major disservice.
And if we believe and know that shaytans,
Iblis'
favorite, most praised deed of his shayateen
is to break up families,
How much more are we possibly playing into
that
by not showing alternatives
for marriage, meaning alter alternative forms of marriage,
in particular,
the only other form being polygyny.
So I guess that's our concern, and we
would like it to get equal play.
Alright? Equal play because, again,
when you hear about
So maybe lack of education,
they have this fear. We know what fear
of the unknown is. Again, we're in America
spelled with a triple k. So with that,
we're gonna go ahead, we're gonna get started
shortly, in a couple seconds, actually.
I'm gonna be talking about, again, from the
male perspective, so kind of why polygyny is
really what it takes, whether or not, you
could be twice the man. I believe you
have to be a man of value to
practice it. And I will give you a
small disclaimer.
Okay. We've been practicing 10 years.
Okay? This is not we wouldn't wouldn't have
been able to do this the 1st few
years in Polyphony. Okay? It took time to
get where we are. So if you're practicing,
if you're new, if you're considering,
do not compare your chapter 1 or 2
or 3 with our chapter 10, for example.
Mhmm. It's okay. Everybody has their own process.
Think we're having connectivity issues, guys.
Let's be patient. I want to sort of
go through some of the, yeah, some of
the comments. Yeah. The video is frozen.
So
are you guys back?
I don't know. Yes. You're back now. Yes.
You're back now. And you were saying,
don't compare your chapter 1
to someone else's chapter 10. That's that's where
it kind of cuts off. Yes. Our our
chapter 10. Man, see, that was all of
the good stuff I just said. That was
worth it all, and it was frozen. There
she go. Missed it. Missed it.
Alright. But what we're gonna do is go
ahead and,
coach coach Bassett is gonna start. So we're
gonna go ahead and, mute our audio and
video, bring this presentation up. Therefore, we'll be
able to go ahead and get that, situated.
Naima allow us to go ahead and share,
and we will go from there. And we'll
be right back, and you'll see one person
on the screen.
You should be able to share now.
I think the team are just getting set
up. And, yes, you'll be able to watch
the recording later.
It's being recorded, so we will definitely put
the link up in the Facebook group and
also on the in the members area for
those of you who have an all access
pass. And, just wanna check-in with the coaches.
Is your audio off? Because we can't hear
anything.
Yes. It is. It's back in. So about
10 seconds, we'll get started. Don't worry. No
worries. Okay. Everybody's eager. Like, the everybody's like,
am I missing something? Is something happening? No.
Nothing's happening just yet.
Can
you
hear me, sis?
Perfect.
Alright. Just
double checking audio
audio visual.
Okay. Awesome.
Okay.
Again, I'm Fatima, coach Fatima with outstanding personal
relationships
dot com.
And I am a co wife, and I
practice polygyny with my polygynous family
that is black. So,
I wanna jump right into,
my training about,
who I am and how I had to
transition from monogamy
to polygyny and just some really
basic best practices.
And I know it's not,
something that's super
deep, but this is a very vast important
subject.
So
let's hop right into it.
Just one second, guys.
Try
to
I'm trying to move my slide. Okay.
Okay.
Transitioning into polygyny.
For myself,
for example,
I had the wrong mindset. I didn't have
a positive
outlook on polygyny because it's something that I
personally,
did not see myself being involved in at
all. I really, really didn't. But and then
you have that hope
that your husband doesn't practice polygyny.
I I didn't always know about the subject
of polygyny
as far as in today's society. I thought
it something of olden days or something of
the past or something that,
you know, wasn't so prevalent in our current
society. And back then, it was the nineties
when I got married,
but I had this negative
mindset. I didn't see it as wrong, but
I saw it as something that I was
not willing to do. So the first thing
to start with is a positive
mindset
and positive thinking.
You know, we go into something that is
with a defeatist
attitude.
It's hard to get through it. It just
is. When my mindset was negative,
everything
around me backfired. Everything I tried to do
backfired.
And then I look back and I go,
when I had a positive mindset,
especially when it came to, like, let's say,
Eid celebrations.
For years, we didn't go to Eid as
a family,
and I really felt terrible about that because
I felt like my children
weren't getting the best example of a polygynous
family that they could get.
It was really
difficult
for us. And
I thought, what can I do to help?
So I had to control my negative thoughts
and my negative mindset
and push those negative thoughts
out of my mind. Also,
not assuming
that I had the answers,
not assuming
that I knew
the world of a man that was practicing
polygyny.
There's so many different layers to it. There
was no way I was gonna understand it
in a week, a day, a month, 2
months.
Another thing that was more difficult for me
when I was in my own way was
the realization
or the reality that the position of, you
know, just our husband at the time was
not the position of my own self.
I was not a husband that practice polygyny.
I didn't have that pressure of creating
that balance.
So all the assumptions that I had and
thinking that I knew
what it was like for him, well, he
decided to do it. He must know exactly
what he's doing, when he's doing it, how
he's doing it, and it's not the case.
Sometimes when we're learning things,
we go through it and we try, try,
try, and then we figure out, okay. That's
maybe not the best way to do things.
Let me correct that or redirect that
into a better way,
into a more efficient way. So a lot
about our stories
is about
learning as we went what is best for
our family.
And he's the head of our family, and
we all have a voice and all our
voices matter,
but he
has the distinct
job or responsibility
to be the husband,
in the marriages.
Okay. This one is really big.
And, again, I was terrible at honoring our
individuality.
Your husband's 19 and you are 20
and you want it to work so much
that you're so busy
not being married,
but I feel like I was curating
my marriage.
Like, someone would take care of something that
is in a museum that is precious to
them.
Curating and being in the game and being
involved and being a wife and being my
own whole person and him his own person
was something that I didn't know how to
do. My world revolved around
our daughter and just the 2 of us,
little tiny family that we had because he
came from a broken place. I came from
a broken place. Broken families on both ends.
Generational
brokenness.
So I had all my cards on my
marriage working exactly how I wanted it to
work,
not us.
I had a dream of my marriage and
what it should look like. And back then,
it looked like
something similar to
and exactly
not wanting him to practice polygyny or hoping
that he wouldn't.
Your marriage is a union
between 2 individuals who
consensually
and contractually
come together for the purpose of fulfilling the
laws of Allah.
You'll get love in those things, of course,
along the way.
But finding out that you're 2 different people
who have their own set of responsibilities
is important. It is a partnership, not a
property.
Okay.
Individuality
is important in your marriage. It is it's
just vital
because you're committing to a partnership with your
spouse where you're working together. You have an
agreement to work together,
and you find out what is best for
your monogamous
marriage
to your husband. So
both my co wife and I are monogamously
married to coach Nadir.
Their marriage has nothing to do with me.
Their marital goals have nothing to do with
me. My marital goals with him has nothing
to do with coach Nyla. Now our family
goals are different.
What do we want for our children? What
do we want for our family as a
whole? Where do we wanna live? What do
we wanna accomplish? Who do we wanna teach?
Who do we want to teach us?
That's different. But the goals that are in
and she'll talk about and she has trained
about, and I love her training about creating
a marriage mission statement
and figuring out what are your marital goals
within your specific marriage.
You know, it's
it's a very delicate
balance,
polygyny.
It's something that
makes us
feel scared sometimes,
jealous sometimes,
unsure,
you know, full of anxiety.
I'll get into that,
a little later. But
another thing
that I figured out
that I didn't get to have an opinion
on specific things that Allah
decreed for coach Nadir.
I could say
how I kinda felt about some things,
but to completely diminish his journey
was a whole another matter.
We're allowed certain opinions,
but not extreme judgment, not extreme
assumptions, or destructive
behavior.
Destructive behavior would be the character assassination
of your husband, your cowife,
anything surrounding your children,
what he's trying to do.
If if even if you're in your head
and you go, oh, he's not doing a
good job.
That's something that you should be making to
offer him.
Guidance for yourself. Knowledge for yourself.
Guidance for him.
Protection of the heart. Protection of the family.
The two things I remember when it when
polygyny first entered my life personally, I remember
making the same dua
over and over and over again. I asked
Allah for understanding,
and I asked Allah for knowledge.
And I was like, I don't know when
this is gonna come. I don't I don't
know if I'll ever understand this. I don't
know if I'll ever get through this. This
is one of the worst things I've ever
went through in my entire life. Just the
action of even thinking
about him being married to someone else
was just devastating
because I didn't know where I fit in.
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know who to be. I didn't
know what to say. I didn't know what
answers
to give
friends and family.
I learned along the way, but that was
powerful
because now I feel like I can understand
more, and I can see
why it's important. I could see the responsibility.
I can,
you know,
support as much as I can
his responsibilities.
Initial wise and polygyny.
I was thinking about this,
when I was creating this training.
I said, okay, Fatima. What did you go
through? What did you struggle with?
What was the most difficult time for you?
One of the most difficult times for me
was understand standing that
his time would be split,
and he had obligations
that
I did not have, that I did not
know about. I didn't have the information.
Everything before Poligenia had all the information that
I needed.
I understood
everything and why it happened because we talked
about everything and why it happened. With this,
with polygyny, it's much different.
I'm not allowed to know every single aspect
of what goes on
in the why in the life of my
cowife and our husband.
That's not my right
and vice versa. It goes both ways.
And I understood that
he had his own life to lead inside
of our marriage
and outside of our marriage, just like before.
It's not, oh, you know,
share him with. Share him
with his children, with his friends, with his
extended family,
with his mother, his father since passed.
But when he was here,
all of those people
got a place in his heart, a place
in his life,
and that is allowed.
Our worlds are not supposed to rev revolve
around one another.
That's the thing. So the world and the
bubble that I had put us in, he
was never to be in that bubble. I
was never to be in that bubble. Our
child was never to be in this little
bubble that I would curate and hope it
wouldn't burst.
That's the assumption I made.
Okay.
And with his responsibility
with him leading his own life, he had
to execute
responsibilities
on the other side. He has to execute
responsibilities
with me because that is the command that
he has from law, from his lord.
He's not my man.
He's not coach Niagara's man.
He belongs
for a while.
And when I made that
choice to listen it to that,
things got better for me personally.
He has contractual
obligations
per marriage.
And I don't wanna just speak to the
sisters that it's just 1 or 2 wives.
There's 3 or 4 wives sometimes. Sometimes there's
3.
Sometimes there's 1. Still has contractual
obligation.
He has to follow through. I remember visiting
a friend of mine, and this was this
was, like, maybe the 3rd month because the
1st 2 months, it was difficult for me,
and I didn't really go out. And a
friend of mine invited me to her home,
and she just I know out of desperation
out of desperation. And this is a friend
that I had had for almost 20 years
at that time.
She said, Fatima, well, can't he just divorce
her? I mean, she just she sounded so
defeated.
And I looked at her, and I said,
even with all my cloudiness,
all my confusion, I didn't have any answers,
all
the all the mess that I was going
through, all my anxiety and hurt and pain
and betrayal and all these different feelings that
I was having. I've never forgot a law.
I said,
he can't do that.
I said, he made a contract. He's gotta
follow through.
He can't,
and he doesn't want to.
So
she was like, you know what? You're right.
And we're 2 Muslim women, but just she
just didn't know what to say, I think.
And she said, you know what, Fatima? You're
right.
He has to. She said, and I'm not
gonna stir your pot up.
And that is exactly what she said.
And she's one of the first sisters.
22 Eads ago
2 years ago. We were all at Eads.
My family was at Eads,
and,
she was there with her children, and she
hugged my cowwife.
Now early on, my friends didn't wanna hug
my co wife, and that's okay. It had
to. And,
but to see her go, okay.
If my friend is okay,
then this person must be of so much
value to her. And she hugged her, and
it meant so much to me.
And I said, you know what? There's growth
here. There was an understanding here that we
are wives, all 3 of us,
no matter who's married to.
But respecting the position was so nice, and
I love her for that. But she understood,
you're right. He has an obligation.
He does.
One thing that I was doing, I was
trusting in others, and I wasn't putting my
full trust in Allah. Your trust in Allah
comes first and foremost,
And I can't stress that enough. And he
knows what we know not.
You think you know everything? You think you
got it figured out?
Are your assumptions leading you? Is your are
you ego driven? Is your ego leading you
to say you're right? Are you on your
soapbox? Are you being self righteous?
I asked a friend of mine a question.
I said, well, you know, you know so
much about, you know, relationships, and you've been
married almost 30 5 years. Can you give
me some advice? And she looked at me
and she said, Fatima, I don't know anything.
I know.
I know that the law is in control.
That's what I know.
She's telling me I had to to
deal and work
in partnership with my husband.
You gotta do your work.
I can't tell you what exactly that looks
like for you, but she did say this.
She said when that old Fatima
shows back
up, she said, oh,
watch out.
She's gonna be happier than ever,
smarter than ever, educated,
able to speak her truth.
She was telling me the power was within,
but she was also telling me that I
had to do my own work,
and I appreciate that.
And I had my life again planned one
way and Allah had it planned another way.
He's not my assumption.
Allah was not my ego.
He's not anyone's ego.
He's so we can't even compare
what he is. There's so many things that
have happened
in our marriage, in our polygynous family
that we could not create. But Allah has
given me things, so many things to stretch
me, to stretch us all, to make us
more than what we see.
I never thought I'd coach.
A marriage, anything. I give a little advice,
a little tea parties that we had around
town.
That was the extent of it. I wasn't
interested in any getting in anybody's business or
getting involved or telling anybody what a best
practice for anything was
in regards to marriage,
especially polygyny because I was too afraid of
it to face it. But when I faced
it and when I read about it, I
understood it more.
Another thing is becoming
friends
and not frenemies.
A frenemy is someone that doesn't want you
to win.
A frenemy is someone that dislikes you or
dislikes something that you practice.
They smile at you every now and again.
But behind the scenes,
they're treating you as they would a enemy.
There's different little spurts of it,
and I've seen it in polygyny.
Oh, you love your husband maybe, but I
don't like what you do. I don't like
that you practice polygyny.
And I said to myself, one day I
looked in the mirror, and I said, Fatima,
your husband has another wife.
And then I looked at myself, and I
said, now what?
What are you gonna do? What are you
gonna do for your life? What are you
gonna do about it? Are you gonna keep
running from it? Are you gonna keep acting
like it's not there? Are you gonna keep
being ignorant of the facts and not educating
yourself about Islam
and why it's okay
until I got to the point where I
kept trying to grow personally
and
personal
development
to the point where I said is what
he's supposed to do because that's his destiny.
That's not yours. And his destiny is not
my assumption.
Transitioning
into polygyny,
polygynous
practices.
A lot of people have asked us this
question, is polygyny legal? Is it lawful? It's
lawful by law.
Mankind does not have to agree with
nor say
nor give us permission
to practice or be in polygynous families.
Allah acknowledges
it. It is his will. It is something
that he has commanded on some.
It's not for everybody.
That's fine.
You know?
And we all have practiced monogamy at some
point. But we're in a family that practice,
and that's okay. And we tell people all
the time.
You know, I had somebody tell me, well,
you know, if something happens to him, you're
his legal wife.
I said I may be his legal wife,
but we're both his lawful wives. And whatever
he gets
and whatever he gives,
she's already got it, and I already have
mine. And our children have theirs. So I'm
not gonna rob anyone else of their rights
that god gave them. That I won't do.
Another thing is understanding the obvious changes as
far as splitting time.
And people have asked us how do you
split time? You can't really say how you
split time. It's just how you decide to
split time and what works for
your family and whatever everyone agrees upon.
For us, it's every other night
or every other day,
if you will.
And it's something that is healthy for our
family
because we have
many children
in our family. We have some young adults
in our family as well. Day with in
fact, I'm a great deal. They would not
like that. Now maybe
through geography
or through work or through
whatever the case may be, the distance between
homes, You have to decide what's best for
your family, but understanding and being,
having that self preparedness to say, okay. There's
gonna be some obvious changes around here. Some
of the obvious changes are the time sharing.
Some of the obvious changes are children that
may come from the marriage. Obvious changes would
be people may be
wondering, are you divorced? That was a big
one for us. I got asked so much
were we divorced because they saw coach and
I did with coach and I said,
oh, you guys got
divorced.
I'm going wait a minute.
What he told you, I saw someone else.
And I said, well, he's with his other
wife right now, and he was with me
yesterday.
We're married. We're monogamously
married to him.
Of course, people sometimes have to pick the
jaw up off the floor, and I get
it.
But,
I had to understand
that people are gonna approach me and say
some things and get some things confused. And
sometimes it's not from a a place of
malice or anything like that. They just wanna
you know, they're looking for clarity, and that
leads to my next point.
If you need to know something or you
need clarity, just simply ask,
but don't demand.
Don't say, well, you know, I wanna know
what's going on around here. You better tell
me.
You don't get to say that. You don't
get to talk like that in a monogamous
relationship. So you don't get to do that
now.
And I wanna be clear that
our husbands
and
us as well, we have certain rights over
each other, but one of the rights that
we don't get to
knowingly,
consciously
activate
is commanding that our questions be answered right
now when we want it done.
It's a request.
So request clarity. It's okay.
They just
please say,
I have some questions.
Can you please help me answer them? Because
I don't know what's going on.
I don't know what what should I do?
What should we do?
What's gonna happen with Eid? And your husband
might say,
I haven't figured it out yet. I don't
know. I was gonna ask
you 2,
you 3, you 4.
And that's alright. The biggest mistakes I made
was thinking that coach had all the answers
and everything all figured out because he got
married again.
It was not true. He had a lot
of the answers, but at the same time,
I had to let him evolve and grow.
He wasn't gonna have everything together.
We didn't have everything together year 1 when
we got married. My grandfather died 2 weeks
after we were married. So I was grieving
2 weeks after we got married because the
man that raised me passed away. So I
had to,
along with him,
figure it all out.
Okay. Another thing, I wasn't doing this. I
wasn't allowing myself out. I wasn't leaving the
house. I wasn't talking to my co wife.
I wasn't talking to friends. My friends were
they're so nice, and they're such good women.
I had one
friend
show up
to my house.
She sat in the rain for a half
hour in her car. Something like, I'm not
coming out. He's here. She's like, so what?
You know, he he came out of the
house
before this and he was home. You know?
I didn't know what to do.
So
she did not come in the house,
and she did leave.
But she's wanted to support me and go,
you can still have fun. You can still
feel. You're still allowed to laugh. You can
go to sleep. Your body has it right
over you. That's what's so beautiful about having,
Muslim women in my life and having a
co wife that's practicing Islam. You get those
beautiful reminders
for some powerful people.
But, yes,
it's not abnormal to feel confusion, anger, jealousy,
hurt, betrayal,
anxiety. I would have an anxiety panic attack
every time I saw coach in that year
because I'm like, oh, is he gonna say
something new to me today?
Is he gonna, you know, startle me with,
you know, there might be a baby or
anything. I
will create these things in my head. Sometimes
he would just come visit if if if
it wasn't his day to be there. And
I had created this big old giant
it was just a circus
in my mind I had created, and nobody
asked me to. It's just something that
happened,
but I didn't think it was okay to
feel those things. So I just shut them
off.
And I had to go I'm a person.
I can feel sad. I can feel happy.
I can feel joy still. There's still good
times to be had.
But when I was confused,
I started to ask questions.
Just even if they're so small, even if
they're so small,
ask and get some clarity. And when I
did that, I started to feel
better. I didn't have as much anxiety or
confusion or,
you know, this it's almost like a fear
of loss.
Like, we think because our husband's married again,
that diminishes our marriage, or it's gonna completely
erase us, and it's not the truth. People
don't love us and then get married again.
The men don't love us, get married again,
and then dump the love for the for
us out of their hearts or want to
kick us out of their lives.
They don't say, well, you know, I got
another wife. I'm going to divorce you now.
It's polygyny.
It's plural
marriage
is what is being practiced.
It's not this erasing
my first wife, my second, my third wife.
It's not taking away from you. It's not
going to subtract
anything from you or your marriage if he
marries someone else. And that is a valuable
lesson that I had to learn, but I
dragged myself hard
before I learned it, and nobody told me
to.
It's something that I did for myself. If
anything, people were reminding me
of how wonderful things are and could still
be. It's not about making things
normal
or like they were before. They're not gonna
be like they were before, but that doesn't
mean they have to be destructive.
That doesn't mean they have to be,
this caricature of what your marriage was
beforehand in monogamy.
It's just making it as normal and as
fulfilling as it can be
the way things are now.
I didn't know. Allah knew. Polygyny was gonna
be in my life. Whether I accepted it,
whether I knew it, whether I
didn't know or not, he knew what I
could do.
And if he brought me to it, he'll
bring me through it, and he'll do the
same for all of us.
Just keep making dua.
Another thing that I was lacking and that
I've seen before, and I'm glad I have
this back, is my ability to critically
think. Sometimes when we go through polygyny, we
feel all those different emotions at once. We're
we're stopping ourself
from evaluating,
making rational decisions, reflecting
on things, committing
to, you know, our personal growth and creativity.
I quit doing art
for years because I was so busy being
a mom. I didn't have the time.
And then when coach and I the air
married coach and I started painting again.
And then each I painted
6 different pictures of flowers.
And then I gave each picture to a
friend of mine, and they're hanging in their
house. That was my therapy. But I stopped
myself from doing that long before polygyny.
But it was something that I found
that I needed
for myself. So I had to make a
rational decision in many different areas
to be who I was or be better
than I was before.
Critical thinking doesn't happen all the time,
but your ability to practice personal development and
growth happens every day. It should be on
a schedule every single day. Coaches, we're coaches.
But with coaching comes a lot of reading,
a lot of research,
a lot of personal development
and learning. You're constantly
a student.
You're always a student. This life is a
testing realm. It's all about these tests that
are here to stretch you.
Polygyny is a lifestyle, not a death sentence.
That's another gem that I had to learn.
We're gonna do a little exercise
very quickly but efficiently.
I'm gonna close your eyes. If they're not
closed, I'm gonna walk you through this.
Okay.
Think about someone that you love that has
passed away.
Who were they, and what did they mean
to you?
Where were were you when you got the
news of their passing, or were you with
them?
What was your first raw reaction to the
news that they passed
or to the optics
in seeing that they passed?
How did it feel for you to be
at their funeral?
And finally,
how did you feel when they were buried?
I remember
and it and it's it's hard to talk
about because
I remember when this first happened,
when coach and I are married again.
And my grandmother was like
she said
I get a little
choked up.
And she was like, you can get through
this because I raised you.
She took credit for that. You know,
she said what she had to say to
get my attention, and she was right. She
was from strong women. And she said, you
know what?
And so, well, grandma, how did you get
through the hard times in your life? And
she said to me something.
She said, I buried my mama. I can
do anything.
Her mother died in her arms
in a nursing home,
and she had had a stroke from a
neck down, and she couldn't speak for a
year. And she said, I beg my mother
don't leave me. And she said, my mother
said I have to.
She said she took her last breath.
And for me, I said, who do I
think I am
that I would compare
my hardship to feeling like I'm going through
some type of death of my marriage?
That wasn't the case.
Oh, I got a woman that's telling me
that
my mother died in my arms. I buried
her. I can get through anything this life
has to offer.
Anything.
Because this
ain't that.
She said, you come for me,
my mother, her mother, and her mother before
her. You can get through this. She was
right. She was right.
My grandmother is not a Muslim woman.
She said, I agree with everything about Islam
except for religion.
And that that spoke volumes to me, but
she's very, very smart, wise lady.
Okay. Polygyny is an experience
that can't be compared to death. Like I
was saying,
death is final.
Polygyny can be successful with the proper mindset,
intention, and education, and willingness to do your
part, willingness to stay in your lane, willingness
to do what has something to do with
you, and stay away from things that don't
have anything to do with you,
offer support and balance where you can,
when you're ready, when you get to that
point. But it's not gonna happen if you're
in a place that you feel safe in
because growth doesn't happen in safety.
It doesn't happen in your comfort zone. You
have to step outside of it. I'm a
very private woman. I didn't do Facebook. I
wasn't interested,
but this work is work that has to
be done. It has to be talked about
and opening up a dialogue about polygyny
and getting out of my own way.
And I said, well, say, I wanna help
people. I wanna coach people, but I'm not
gonna get on the Internet.
It's ridiculous
when I think back on it because here
I am on the Internet. Here's my family
on the Internet trying to help people. It's
just not as difficult.
But I wanna drive the point home that
it is a process. Polygyny is a process.
And I will close
with this.
You can't rush a flower through its growth.
It honors its process. It doesn't compete with
another flower.
It does its job to become the best
flower that it can be.
Flowers don't rub rob other flowers of their
beauty. They just bloom.
And I understood that
I have my own uniqueness. My co wife
has her own
uniqueness and beauty,
and her husband has his own.
And we're not each other,
not to be compared to each other.
We are just 3 people
raising our family,
trying our best to be our best version
of us that we can be. And if
we can help people along the way,
But my experience
as a black woman
that practices polygyny
didn't have to be as difficult as it
was.
But getting the lessons out of our difficulty
is what it is about
being grateful
for those lessons and those bumps on the
head. Because next time, we'll be more careful.
And that is what I've learned as an
initial wife
transitioning
into
polygyny
was that I needed to stretch myself
and understand
what rules and regulations were and boundaries
and to make things as normal as they
could be and as fulfilling as they could
be and not
make them as they used to be
because my growth was not there. My growth
is right here
where polygyny started.
You
all
got some takeaways. I'm gonna go over some
very quickly.
Remember that you and your spouse are individuals
in leading your own specific lives, your own
specific responsibilities.
The law has designated
destinies for each one of us, and we
must respect that.
Our marriages,
again, are partnerships and not our property.
You know, we belong to Allah. Our husbands,
our children belong to Allah.
Polygyny can work with a proper positive
mindset,
and that happens through much,
and much personal development in reading
and wanting and willing to be better.
And, again, polygyny is not a competition.
Celebrate
what makes you unique,
what makes your marriage unique.
And, again, I'm coach Fatima with outstanding personal
relationships
dot com, and we are going to,
get ready for our next coach.
And I hope you guys got some gems
from this training. I enjoyed it. I hope
you enjoyed it too.
I'll see you guys in the next one
or in the q and a.
Peace.
Facebook will be right back. We'll be right
back.
Just looking at everyone's comments in here.
Have a look at the comments, sis. Have
a look at the I'll call video.
Oh my god. Nice. We we we did
shares together.
Okay. So Let me stop video.
I don't know how he had this set
up.
So I'm the guy. We had, some great
information
and, got some good takeaways
from, coach Fatima's training. I'm looking down here,
so I'm looking at the different,
chats and everything, the different chats thing.
Different,
comments in the chat,
because I know that we are on a
time restraint and everything like that.
One of the things because our husband went
to make a quick run, and he went
to pick up
one of the things that we love. It
was one of the, like, the easel, and
then it was probably something else. It doesn't
matter to me because I actually I have
a, you know,
she got a sheet and everything like that.
We're gonna wing it because I know we're
on time time constraints, and I don't, you
know, want you guys to miss anything
and, all that other good stuff. So give
us a second. We're gonna set up, and
then, we're gonna get started with my training.
Alright? And it's gonna pretty much be,
talking about
not well, pretty much avoiding the subsequent
wife stereotype.
And, yeah. So is
it let me get out. And what I'm
like, what is that supposed to mean? I'm
gonna let you guys know that to you
in a second. Okay? Know what I mean.
So, yeah, we're gonna
turn off the, turn off the video for
a second just so I can get set
up a little bit, and then we'll be
back in
probably a few minutes. Not even that long.
Okay? So if you guys need to get
something to drink,
whatever, you probably broke your pencil or something
because you was taking so many notes. I
don't know.
Get a new pen.
Whatever you need to do, just give us
about 2 minutes or so, and we'll be
ready in.
Well,
everybody can take a break inshallah. If you've
been sitting down for all this time, which
you probably have been, I suggest you stand
up. I'm gonna stand up and take a
stretch.
Oh.
And take a deep breath,
a nice big cleansing breath.
Great,
chat guys. Really really beautiful.
Yeah. I really think,
You need a demonstration.
Doctor Sara, leave me.
But yeah.
It really is always, amazing to see to
just to hear you know,
something that's been
occur I've been thinking about this since
the,
since we kicked off last Friday,
And it is this whole thing of possibility,
of showing what's possible.
And I think that having
these types of sessions, I think we've had
several sessions that have shown us
what is possible. Would you guys say that
that's true?
Whether it's to do with, you know, people's,
confidence
or
their their sense of self or their sense
of pride in their identity
or their marriage or their work or their
grind, or their intellect, whatever it is, you
know,
you
we've been exposed,
I feel,
like, multiple times
to what is possible.
And I take it all the way from
Sheikh Abdullah Hakim quick
and his,
his vast knowledge on, you know, our history,
and what he's been able to do in
his lifetime,
to, you know,
sister you know, brother Rufus and sister Jenny,
to sister Mariam Lemu and,
brother Sayeeda Kumar, not just in their union,
but in what he has come from.
I think that we have been exposed to
people who really have shown us what is
possible.
And I hope, inshallah,
that the coaches,
Naila, Fatima, and Nazeer, are also showing us
what is possible.
Because once
you show people what is possible,
they can never forget it because it now
it's it's a reference. It's a proof. Right?
So if a part of you says, nah.
We could never do that,
you have a proof.
No.
It is possible because I saw so and
so. I read this. I heard that. You
know, I attended this. It is possible.
So I hope
that this session is also showing us a
little bit about what is possible.
To one of these things that's going on
here.
Yep. All good.
Awesome.
Alrighty.
So
thought you were gonna,
yeah. I don't know. A lot of stuff
going on right now. Of course, people don't
realize that we're training right now.
So what we have what I'm talking about
is avoiding the subsequent wife stereotype.
Okay. Here we go because there's another sheet
that I had. Avoiding the subsequent white stereotype,
practicing KLM
for Progyny Success.
K?
And
what that means is this. Of course, I'm
just gonna rip this off.
Usually, I just flip the board.
K.
Knowing your worth.
L, looking at the big picture, m, minding
your marriage.
Now here's the thing.
The reason why I decided to discuss
and, talk about things from a subsequent wife's
point of view,
For 1, I'm a subsequent wife, incoming wife.
So this doesn't matter if you're a second
wife,
a third wife, 4th wife, whatever.
This comes in as a subsequent wife because
they're I was gonna say stigma, the stigma
of subsequent wife, and I'm like, you know,
being a subsequent wife is not a stigma.
A stigma is something that should be, you
know, you should is is dishonorable.
It's something that you should feel ashamed of.
Being a subsequent wife is not something you
should feel ashamed of. However, there are stereotypes
of a subsequent wife. There are stereotypes where
people feel that subsequent wife supposed to ask
permission
or making sure it's okay,
2 or 4 them to marry
the their husband. You know, the the husband
of the first wife or the husband that
is she's gonna share with her first wife,
however you wanna put it. I mean, it's
these different things
where
when we talk about it on a number
of occasions,
we think about monogamy. And as I stated
before,
I was in, monogamy. And,
you know, I we were rushing and doing
this thing. So let me
start over because I don't know if I
really totally introduced myself. So it's not I'm
doing that.
Nyla, coach Nyla, one of the cofounders of
Outstanding Personal Relationships and and Outstanding Personal Relationships
dotcom.
We run our outstanding personal relationships. I run
it with,
my co wife, coach Fatima, who you just
heard from, and our husband who you heard
from earlier today.
And, like I said before, the reason why
I talk about it from a subsequent wife
standpoint is pretty much almost the same reason
why we really got into talking about polygyny
and why we teach on polygyny
because it's not
really, talked about. It's a it's a subject
that is not talked about. It's a subject
that's not really taught on. It's, you know,
something that's just there,
because people know that subsequent lives exist. You
know? Like, as a colleague, he exists. But
the thing is is that when it comes
down to it,
people are, people have this this
idea
of what that should look like. Sometimes subsequent
wives are called homewreckers,
and they're called so many
just
the names aren't good.
And a lot of it comes because
of what the feelings of the initial wife,
was how the initial wife was feeling,
when the husband married again.
So she becomes supposedly supposed to be become
this
un
this this
enemy, this automatic enemy of the
of the first wife. And a lot of
times that's because society has conditioned us to
say, you know what? If you're sharing a
man, if you're sharing a husband, then you
should not possibly like each other.
Or the person who is coming into, you
know, your life is the person that's coming
in to destroy something or take something away
from you. And that's not always
the case. I mean, to say it is
not always the case because it definitely was
not the case for me, and it was
not the case for a lot of women
who I know who became subsequent wives,
and with in polygyny.
So the thing was I had so many,
wives who or so many wives and so
many women who decided that they wanted
to practice polygyny or not just practice polygyny
because, technically, like we said, the it's the
husband that's practicing polygyny,
but who wanted to get involved in polygyny
was that
they
see a good man. Because
regardless of what people wanna say in the
narrative that they wanna put out there,
it's
there's a shortage of good men out there.
There is a shortage of good men. If
we look at the,
the infant mortality rates,
girls
survive infancy
more than than boys do. The the number
is higher.
And
when it comes to men who are incarcerated,
when it comes
to men who,
you know, the the lifespan of men. There's
so many different things
that
that play into the part of not being
enough men,
period. But we talk but what about available
men? Especially in Islam
where when you as a woman,
you have to marry a Muslim man.
You know? And so is these different things
where it goes into play. So it gets
to the point where any woman that's looking
for a suitable man who happens to be
married to someone else, she's looked at as
a person who does not have value or
she's not valuing herself or she's trying to
destroy something someone else has had someone else
has So I heard it so many times,
like, find your own man. Why you can't
find your own man?
You know, why are you trying to take
something that someone else has? Why, you know,
did you not,
make sure it was okay with the first
wife? All these different things, and those are
the stereotypes
that are put in,
that are put towards
any type of subsequent wife or incoming wife.
So I always talk about practicing KLM,
and that's
knowing your worth,
looking at the big picture,
and minding your marriage.
Is everything okay?
So
okay. Knowing your worth. What does that mean?
That means seeing your value.
So I have a,
a self assessment
and,
of how that looks.
So the self assessment for self appreciation.
Seeing
seeing value, your self appreciation,
knowing your purpose,
knowing your abilities and what you are capable
of. When it comes down to it,
this is something that you should be able
to do for yourselves.
So take out a sheet of paper,
make sure you're in the right frame frame
of mind,
all these different things because when it comes
down to it, and a person who's looking
to get married or looking to,
get into polygyny
because some people ask that, like, okay. Well,
if I see or if I know that
it's a a brother,
that I am looking
to marry, you know, how do I go
about that?
Especially knowing that he's already married. 1st and
foremost,
go through your guardian. Go through your walkie.
Go through your waleen.
But a lot of times they feel that,
okay. Should I make sure it's okay with
the first wife? Should I make sure should
I meet with her first?
That is a thing where it could cause
this issue these issues because when you are
getting married, you're not marrying
your your subs or you're not marrying your
co wife.
You're marrying the husband. You're, you know, you're
marrying him.
So we think about it like, I mean,
I can get you into the mindset of
thinking about it as an initial wife. When
you go and you marry,
your husband,
I'm looking at marry your husband.
If your,
the the the mother, his mother,
or any type of family member, whether it's
auntie or anybody like that, have some issues
with you marrying him, would that stop you
from marrying him?
Would that stop you from, you know, saying
that, you know, I know this is the
right person for me. It's our marriage. We're
gonna build on this marriage. We're this is
this is us. This is what we're doing.
I know he's qualified.
I know all of this other good stuff.
Would
anything that
your
future mother-in-law or your mother-in-law or anything like
that has have to say or auntie or
anything like that stop you from marrying
marrying your husband, marrying that man.
So
looking I look at that as a subsequent
wife in a subsequent wife's point of view,
if if,
if you have a person that
is qualified,
you know, you guys are looking to get
married,
is that really
the is finding out if it's okay
with the subsequent or with your co wife
or future co wife,
is that necessary for you to get married,
for you to have the life and the
marriage that you want? Because your husband is
monogamously married
to
to his wives. He's monogamously married to you,
monogamously
married
to his first wife or to the initial
wife or anything like that.
So you wanna make sure and I'll go
into that when I talk about minding your
marriage. You wanna make sure that you're minding
your marriage, And that's how you how you
have success
in polygyny, whether you are a subsequent wife
or first wife or anything like that. It
comes to minding your marriage. It comes to
focusing on what's what's important.
And what's important
is what you and your husband
decided your marriage is gonna look like. And
that's where you work and that's where you
continue to work on, and that's what you
continue to work on. So you wanna take
yourself, appreciation
assessment
because a lot of times,
subsequent ones can come in not knowing their
value,
not knowing their worth,
thinking that
they're coming in
as a just as an addition
and not really knowing where, you know, what
their what their place is. So that's why
they feel that they need to get some
type of permission or validation or anything like
that. But once you know your purpose, you
know your abilities, what you are capable of.
You know that you are human, and this
comes with flaws and quirks, and it don't
make you less than anything, so you don't
have to be perfect. I mean, I came
into
thinking
that
I have to
make sure everything was right, you know, that
I was just the the
I don't know, the epitome of, like, the
perfect person. And I'm not saying the perfect
wife, but just the perfect person. Like, if
anybody had any type of issues, it was
my job to try to fix it. No
one put that on me but me. So
we wanna make sure that we are being
careful
with how we are entering into our marriages.
So and you wanna know, know that you
possess the power to build and create the
relationships you want, whether that's with your husband
as well as with your co wife. You
have the power to do that. And you
have the power to do that by
creating a plan,
being transparent,
knowing what you want, and working on that.
And, yes, it takes both, but it starts
with you.
Another thing you wanna find out, what do
you have to offer?
Or you you wanna know that. What do
you have to offer? What do you have
to offer yourself?
What do you have to offer your marriage?
What do you have to offer in your
marriage?
These are the things that you wanna put
in your mindset. These are the things that
you want to
to do because when you do these things
and you do this assessment,
this gives you the confidence.
This gives you the confidence to say, you
know what? I deserve
a great marriage.
I deserve a wonderful life. I deserve these
things
that is going to,
help me,
be the person
that I wanna be. Because when it all
comes down to a marriage,
you know, it's supposed to help us grow.
Marriage is supposed to help us be better.
You know, a hundred dollar marriage is half
our.
So, you know, we wanna make sure that
we are choosing the right spouses
and
be the your spouse being
married
should not be that thing that disqualifies him.
But what it should do is, you know,
make you make you make sure that he's
available. And what I mean?
And available
means that
he's he's,
into polygyny,
that he is,
willing to get married again,
that he is,
you know, he's the the person
that you are looking for.
But a lot of that comes and that
comes with
talking to your Wackill and talking to your
WALI about that and letting them know what
it is. And a lot of it, like
I said, is keep gaining that confidence by
first knowing your worth. Know what you have
to offer, what you are willing to put
in so you know what you want to
get out of
l
l stands for looking at the big picture.
And I said it before,
it's like what do you want in your
marriage? What do you want out of your
marriage? How do you want your marriage to
look?
How do you want,
how do you want to grow
in your marriage?
And it's
it starts, as I stated before, with you.
What are you willing to put in? What
do you want?
That's where the marriage mission statement comes in.
Now we talk about the marriage mission statement
a lot. We also talk about it in
our relationship mastery inner circle, which is our
monthly program that we talked about earlier.
And the marriage mission statement
is pretty much a statement
that you put together,
you put together first
and your spouse puts one together of his
own and then you come together
and create an ultimate marriage mission statement. And
this marriage mission statement,
it starts with finding out what is you
want, how what are you willing to put
in, how do you wanna grow,
all these different things
that
is necessary
to succeed,
to win in your marriage because you wanna
win. You know? You wanna win in your
marriage.
No one gets married to just say, well,
I just I just wanted to be married.
I mean, there may be some people that
are out there like that, but sometimes it's
it comes it goes right back to decay,
not knowing your worth, but stating that
I know that I wanna be married because,
you know, I do have these morals.
Not only do I wanna get married
and I wanna be married, you know, you
have other people that can be, in your
ear stating that, you know, you should get
married. You know? So it's these different things
that I know I wanna be married. So
sometimes people don't go into the the work
that it takes before marriage as well as
going into the work that it takes to
stay married and be happily married.
So it goes back into the knowing your
worth
and knowing what you wanna get out and
then you create this marriage mission statement.
That is the next step and that is
the plan. And that's the plan that you
have that will that can change over time
if you decide to constantly revisit it. But
when it comes to your marriage mission statement,
this is actually something that you should have
that's that you're you're looking at consistently,
that you are reviewing,
if not daily, weekly.
Because the more you look at it, the
more you know what it is and you
know it from your heart and you you
you know it by heart,
you're gonna that's gonna always be the thing
in the front of your mind
to create the success in your marriage.
So
you wanna make sure that
that is in front of you all the
time and make me think of what my
daughter was telling me about her weekend school.
Had this mission statement. A lot of places
that want success and they
have mission statements. My daughter said they go
through the mission statement
every time that it got to the point
where she didn't need the paper anymore. They
said none of us need the paper. We
can recite it together.
And that's what your, your marriage should look
like. That's what your marriage mission statement should
look like.
Last
last but not least, minding your marriage.
What does that look like? What does that
even mean? Minding your marriage means you wanna
focus on what's important.
What is important in your marriage? You and
your spouse.
What's important in your marriage is what your
what you and your spouse want your marriage
to look like. Not what you,
your spouse and somebody else on the outside
want it to look like. Not what
your co wife and, you know, her friends
wanted to look like.
Not what, you know, the brothers at the
masjid wanted to look like. It's what you
and your husband
want
the, you and your spouse want your marriage
to look like.
And
how else do you mind your marriage? You
protect your marriage.
Protecting your marriage has to be important, has
to be a key, has to be one
of the things that's at the top of
the list when it comes to minding your
marriage. Who do you protect
your marriage from?
Protect your marriage from outsiders
and from insiders.
Now the outsiders,
we know it could be any type of
advice,
unsolicited advice. So many people have any so
many things to say. We we constantly
because now we're,
you know, we're out there and open with
what we're doing and, you know, pretty much
almost half our family,
at least our marriage right now, is on
display
because we use that as a tool to
help others. We have so many people who
wanna tell us what we should and shouldn't
do.
But we need to make sure the advice
that we that we bring into our marriage
is the advice that we want in our
marriage.
Is this going to help you grow? Is
it gonna help your marriage get better? If
it's not, then that's something that should you
should let fall by the wayside. You don't
have to take every advice,
every type of advice
answer
anybody
everybody's advice.
They'll try to give you that. And then
you also have haters, and you sometimes have
those haters that pose as people who are
trying to really give you some good advice.
So we've experienced that, on a number of
levels as well. However, we've had questions on
how do you deal with that? How do
you deal with the people who say,
who say, well,
polygyny is wrong or,
because it's not legal? Or how do you
deal with, you know, the people who,
who just don't agree with your way of
life? The thing is if it's not making
us better, if it's not something that is
being beneficial to our lives,
we leave
it. We take what we we can use.
We take what we need because your opinion
doesn't really matter to me. I heard that
saying so many times, and I'm just taking
that because that was a
quote that was stated that
your thoughts about me or your opinion about
me is none of my business
because that's your opinion about me.
I know me. It goes in back to
the knowing your word, knowing what you want,
going back to your marriage mission statement.
Also, you wanna protect your marriage from insiders.
That's you and your spouse.
What does that look like? That look like
ego
comparisons.
You know, comparing if you if you are
a wife,
comparing yourself to your cowwife,
comparing the relationship that you think your husband
has with your cowife,
comparing your marriage with other marriages that you
may have seen on Instagram or Facebook or,
you know, somebody that you see the snippet
of their lives
and think that that's what it looks like.
Now the grass could be greener on the
other side, but you definitely have to realize
that
if the grass is greener, it's probably because
they did that with a lot of manure
in order to get that green grass.
So and they went through it. They worked
through
it. Because on time, success come before working
a dictionary. So we have to make sure
that we focus we're focusing on what's important
in our
marriages.
That's
you and your spouse.
You wanna make sure that you and, yes,
of course, the family
dynamic is important,
but it starts with
you. It starts with you or your spouse.
The
first,
the first family,
the first relationship
was a husband wife.
You know? So that's where it started, and
everything else came from that.
So you wanna make sure you're focusing on
that and you're doing this you're taking the
steps necessary
to be successful in your marriage and mind
your marriage.
That's for
I've heard of the.
So I hope you guys got some wonderful
information, from this training.
Of course, like I said, I know that
we are, I'm trying to be mindful of
time and all that other good stuff. So,
we'll get everything together. Coach is going to,
set up and, of course, bring us home
with anchor before we go into our question
and answer.
And if you guys are,
you guys have some questions, definitely
make sure you put some question marks before
your questions so we can see, though, that
those are questions before we go through the
comments.
I'm sorry, Frances. Would it be possible to,
wanna see if we can get some questions
answered now? Because, as you guys know, we
but brother, are you ready?
Yes. Okay. We've got, like, 15, 20 minutes.
We've got 15, 20 minutes before the next
session. Do you wanna do any questions right
now? Or no. We've got 15, 20 minutes
before the next session starts. So I know
that you have a workshop that you wanna
invite people to. So maybe if they've got
questions,
they can join you on that workshop inshallah.
Would you reckon?
Well, I reckon.
UK English. Yes. It is UK English. Yes.
Yes. I would recommend. Okay. I reckon it's
a good idea to keep questions
to a more you know, another session because
it's I know everyone's got so many questions,
but I know you want to deliver your
peace as well. And we have the village
auntie coming in at half past. So Inshallah,
Indeed. Indeed. I have 10 minutes,
so I'll be good.
Again, Again, this is,
And, obviously, you heard from coach Fassima, you
heard from coach Shania.
And at this point, you won't hear from
me. I'm the guy who chose to go
into polygyny,
period. Now, again, I've mentioned that I've been
married to coach Fatima 25
years. Alright. I initially got married in 19.
I didn't know anything about religion. I was
thinking about religion. I was relatively new to
Islam, maybe two and a half, 3 years
being Muslim, and I knew that
you have to be married. I mean, you
know, marriage is the the moral way to
do things. I was changing my entire life.
I changed my name, changed where I came
from. I grew up Christian,
from Christian school, kindergarten, 10th grade, and all
of that. And that's actually what led me,
to Islam, to to really study,
more. But without really all that backstory, let's
talk about some things. One is, sometimes the
the main question,
have women use using polls is why.
I think, you know, well, is the is
the reason for policing is that if something
wrong with the marriage or, your wife is
just deficient and you're trying to make up
for something or, you know, you just wanted
to explore more. You know, what is it?
Well, there's many different reasons.
But I'm just gonna let you know, sisters,
that just like
we can never understand
that the challenge that you deal with when
it comes to a menstrual cycle
or giving birth,
you're not gonna understand that in in it's
a property that someone said we had a
mom ago with one another. And as men,
we had men are not like the women.
A healthy man has 10 times more testosterone
than a woman. And a healthy woman, hormonally,
has 10 times more estrogen than a man.
So we, on a just a simple biological
level, are very different. So we we respond
differently to different stresses and everything else. So
just basically biological
speaking.
Now biologically speed, you will see that and
really recognize that that's not procreation or continue
with that. But,
again, I'm not here for that piece, but
I wanna talk to the brothers in particular.
Now as a father of daughters
and sons, you know, biologically, I have 10
children, then I have 2 bonus children, with
provisions. That's a dozen. Alright? They range from
25 years old down to 2 years old.
But all of my daughters, all my biological
daughters, they're all grown. So 25 to 18
years old. And one already said she wants
to be in the relationship when she gets
married. She wants to be the first wife
that
is married
into her husband, but she wants to have
a have a 4 wives,
which is not not that world. But, anyway,
we'll see when the time comes to.
But talk to, the brothers because there's a
few difficulties. There's some challenges, and there's some
things that make can help make you,
more than twice the man amount of value
if you will. Now I didn't have a
lot of these different characteristics
initially, and I was maybe 15 years monogamy.
And I wasn't looking after looking. I don't
want to wear another way. That that didn't
it proved the opportunity represented itself. I wasn't
looking, and I was searching and trying to
find out how I can render it. That
wasn't even part of my plan.
To begin with, I wasn't averse to it.
I wanna, you know, I wanna see experience
Islam in its totality.
So there are some things though that are
very important.
I want you to be able to deliver
deliver
on the invisibles.
Alright? The measurables are very easy. This is
what I mean, the measurables.
Measurables are time and money.
It's pretty simple. Alright. It's being justice, being
fair, being equitable, and time and money. Those
things are measurable. You might be part of
that. That's pretty simple. And
now I'm usually talking about even when I
say money, I'm talking about currency.
So
as an example,
have the money where you need to make
sure it's.
When I talk when I say money,
what I generally mean,
like, if you have money, they use companies
tools.
So these here are are US
Silver Eagles,
for example. So these here are Silver Eagles.
These these are money. They come in 2
to 20 or something. You could get a
monster box or and this is money. This
is. Must be gold and silver. It actually
must have value. So for example, here's a
gold, US e bill as well. So this
is real money. Now it'd be great to
know it, but you have to deliver
on the invisibles. Usually, marriages don't go bad
because of, oh,
Well, monogamy, that's what he's using now the
issue. It's the invisible
that you must deliver.
So when it comes to politics, they're extremely
important, which means your leadership skills. So one
of the first questions I do is I
mentor and I work with others is I
ask, you know, have you read the 21
years before the loss of leadership by chance?
If you haven't, that's a good place to
start.
Now if you need to get, 1, leadership
skills, If you need to increase your financial
IQ,
are you familiar with Rich Dad Poor Dad
or the poor game cash flow 101?
Because the major complaint, well, he doesn't have
enough money to do this or expand. And
women, you know, they're women. They have the
right to be protected, taken care of, and
all this type of stuff. Right? So you,
again, have to be more than twice the
man.
But the main component is being able to
have
some emotional
resilience
about yourself because you're gonna be juggling a
number of different things. Jealousies are one thing.
Those are normal naturalism means to protect you.
K? But being able to protect, as coach
Maddow was just talking about, from the enemies
inside and out When there's ostracizing
going on in the community. When there are
people who refuse to speak on it or
teach on it or, you know, show some
practical examples and so on, And that that
becomes pretty shameful, but you have to be
able to take those shots for your family.
You have to be able to be an
active
listener and communicate.
And talking to yourself,
asking what it's trying to say, what it's
trying to communicate, how can I take care
of the demonstrates
certain things? Now, system, here's the thing. When
you're talking about a man and marrying someone
or staying with someone or whatever, there are
a number of different things that you have
to recognize. You know, what are the deal
breakers?
What are the deal breakers? Is this a
good guy you're married to?
So there's a simple little checklist
that we have.
So does this person
beat women?
Is it is there a history of domestic
violence?
Are there addictions?
Were there other drugs, legal or illegal? That's
the person's name. Whether they are different *
addictions, gambling addictions.
Is this person an addict in one way
or another? Okay. Those are important. Right? Is
this person some type of sexual predator or
deviant or something? All of these things matter,
don't they?
They don't matter to just them originally.
But assuming
that the person doesn't have that, that means
that they probably are okay or they're measurable
or they they
humans are humans. So you're not gonna get
just, oh, we must yeah. We have the
perfect path, but but that doesn't make us
perfect.
So you have some that are predators. You
have some that are racist. You have all
kinds of evil within our stuff. When I
was on Hajj, you will see so many
crazy different things in the autumn.
So I'm just saying we have to make
sure we're conscious to open our eyes. But
as a man, it's your job your job
to be the protector, the provider, and exercise
question of power. So in doing so, one
of the things you have to protect, not
only is your family, your family's reputation, your
emotion, your your wife's heart, and stuff like
that. But
you have to also protect what's going on
in your mind, what's going on in your
brain, what they're affected by. By. So don't
be infected by anything.
As a provider, we're providing so far as
your leadership and your structure. When we have
our weekly family meetings, for example, everybody has
a and stuff like that. We have an
agenda. We go over minutes. I'm teaching them
entrepreneurship and enterprise and business. At same time,
we go over
a number of different things that are important
for us,
but it takes a while to get through.
We've only been doing it for a few
years.
Again, married 10 years, but it took a
number of ups and downs to go through
it and grow through it. So leadership is
extremely important.
Getting your financial IQ up, but that emotional
resilience
is
beyond words. So winning with people also by
Johnson.
Another good start.
Now I'm not gonna go into teaching you
the of a number of different things. The
best example is probably a set of Islam.
When you think of emotional resilience for his
life, I think it was
Salvador. I'm I'm not sure.
Sent food,
and I knocked the food out the dish.
What did he do?
He he started picking it up. His response
was, it's from the jealousy of your mother.
Now imagine it happens today. Imagine you had
a gift card.
Alright? And there's a special dish, and and
your husband practice polygyny or something, or brother
you know practice and his other wife sends
a dish, and it gets knocked out of
all we do.
That will pose a major problem, wouldn't it?
But look at the example we have in
the property establishment.
Also, think about who was the property establishment's
baby wife.
We know it's Aisha or their life. Right?
But we know this. So that doesn't mean
there's a problem that's having a favor. The
problem is in the treatment and leaning more
toward one than the other. But it's not
wise to go on papers as my favorite.
Again,
but it goes to leadership.
Most of these people is be able to
communicate
and being able to be transparent.
If they can't, you haven't,
demonstrated that you're able to protect, you may
not be ready just yet. Might be some
more work you need to do, bro. Alright?
So those are just a few things right
there that are very important. I know we
need to do the q and a part,
and I'm just gonna let you know so
we can find us, outstanding personal relationship, Whether
it's on Facebook or YouTube or outstanding relationships
on Instagram or, of course,
you can go to, download
the 5 keys to crafting
a fulfilling marriage, especially in religion at our
website, and I'll stay in the first relationships.
That course is, for example, what we're doing
today,
we do it on a monthly basis,
with our relationship mastery, inner circle, program our
students. So every month we go live, except
they get downloadable audio, they got worksheet, they
have direct connection with us, where we communicate,
answer different questions, and so on. So we
do have different courses.
Kukunian's course, between a co wise course. I
have a course called kings and kingdoms that
teach men. It's kind of a right surpass.
That teach men how to be more,
how to be more, how to be able
to handle more. Because if we're not handling
a situation that's that's given to us, to
go and actually benefit people all across the
planet where polygyny is needed, it polygyny
there's not a lack of need for polygyny.
The lack is an actual man that could
be fair and stand up to the job.
It's a solution to a major problem, and
it was regulated over 1400 years ago.
Now what it says is maybe 2 or
3 or 4. And if not, if you
feel you can't do justice, do 1. That
either means we have a whole bunch of
men that are weak and feel they can't
do justice.
And I don't believe people who have the
money and have the time.
You know, whether 6 figures or 7 figures,
even a month on a monthly basis coming
in, and they say, I'm in the mafia.
I'm good.
They have misters and other people and so
on and so forth, different things in the
side. See, publicity requires you
to be more than twice the men. It
requires you to be responsible.
To run again and just say, oh, just
something sexually is really, really foolish. Do you
think you need to get married to have
*? Is that what people are doing throughout
the world? Now when you say morally, I
agree with you.
But
is being a virgin right
now something that's
popular, or is that something that's
rid of? This is the society we're living
in in an immoral society,
so it requires that you become more
in order to do better.
So shout out to Abby. You got some
good stuff out of that. Again, we're gonna
look at a few of the question and
answers and stuff out of my wife's back
in here, and we I know there's another
session stuff coming up shortly. So, Sister, I'm
gonna just mute the audio, get the sisters
in here, we can address what we can
address and go from there in case you
have any questions in particular as well. Okay?
Supalla.
Okay. Right. Okay. I'm sure I speak for
everybody here
when this should really be broken up into
3 parts. Right? Give me a yes in
the chat if you guys think that it
should be broken up into 3 parts, where
you have one part, which is the man
and only the man
talking to the man. Okay?
Because
you dropped some gems there that I'm sure
we are not used to hearing,
you know. We're not used to hearing.
Now okay. I can see sisters be like,
yes. Yes. Yes.
I wanna hear from the brothers.
Any brothers who are here because, we've got
a a packed house actually over about 70
people we had in here at one point.
So brothers who are here
if you would benefit from a session
with coach Nadeer,
just to hear it from the horse's mouth
as they say, put a yap in the
chat. Ladies, please don't say anything. And don't
pretend to be a man just for the
just for the poll. Okay? I wanna see
yap. If it's a yap, I'm gonna assume
that it's a brother. Okay? There may not
be many in here. I don't know. But
I feel
like
that that that that session,
that conversation,
you know, for brothers who are curious, for
brothers who are interested, for brothers who want
to do it, you need to know oh,
brother says Nam. Okay. Hard. We'll go with
Nam, then I'll accept Nam.
But, you know, those sessions where you are
hearing it from someone who's been there, who
has been through the ups and downs, who
knows this, you know, and who is ready
to help you. You know, because sometimes amongst
brothers, they hype each other up.
And I've never ever me personally, I could
be wrong about this, but I've never heard
this type of,
yo,
you need to get yourself straight if you
want to do this and you wanna do
it well. And I feel like brother Nadir,
we're gonna have to definitely create something where
the brothers can come in numbers
for, you know, to have a, like, a
really honest conversation. Us ladies will stay out
of it and have a really honest conversation
with you and be able to just ask
all the questions. We've had so many men
being honest, just blessing us with their honesty
today. Ladies, you know you've been here since
the morning.
Okay. So we are going to keep so
so one session for brother Nadir with the
men, and then I think for sister Fatima
with her people and sister Naila for her
people, because everybody is coming from a different
angle and there's so much to unpack,
so much to unpack. So sister Farasha says,
the brothers hype each other up and then
ghost when the issues erupt and the marriage
fails.
So let's stick to, like, if we can
get maybe 3, 4 questions.
And, you know, coaches, are you gonna go
through the chat, or do you want people
to to to put their questions
again?
We we we see the q and a.
We can address some of these from the
q and a. Oh, okay. Perfect. No. So
let's keep it to that then. Okay. Is
the shortage of good men argument still relevant
to today's society? I mean, this in the
sense that nowadays, people can easily connect with
other from all over the world, and there
are countries such as China where they have
way more men than women.
Oh,
Jessa? Yeah. I'd say the shortage of good
men. We we we're still talking about good
men,
available men, and men who are,
yeah, all of the is all of these
different qualities
that,
you know, that
play a part. And like I stated before,
pushing in Islam, Muslim men.
So, yeah, the shortage is definitely there,
especially when it still comes down to the,
the And black men. And black men. Yeah.
It's the black Muslim family
festival.
I live in the United States. So you're
dealing with mass incarceration and effects of that
right now, you're dealing with homosexuality, you're dealing
with this major push,
making effeminate men, so that masculinity is considered
toxic, and masculinity is neutral just like femininity.
Okay? So,
yeah, those things, then you, of course, you
got the alcoholism, you have the abuse and
stuff going every 18 seconds a woman goes
into the ER of the United States because
she's a victim of domestic violence.
So please tell me where these Good men.
Good men are located because I have daughters,
and my daughter did not get married to
she got married to,
a couple weeks ago on September 15th, my
daughter got married. Wow. So she married,
a brother who was born here
who doesn't live here. He's in another country,
alhamdulillah, inshallah to Allah. They'll be, you know,
together soon and stuff, you know, post COVID
or whatever is gonna happen in the world.
But, yeah, we we couldn't nobody in our
local community even qualified.
Alright? And sadly, that's the case many times
in a good friend of mine, Ali. At
least he put together half our dean to
help and they've had success there, but that's
the answer to the question. Yeah. Definitely.
What happens in your daughter? You do not
want polygyny. Okay. Thank you so much for
sharing, such a valuable knowledge with us. What
happens when you and your spouse prior to
marriage both express that you do not want
polygyny and then shortly after being married the
husband expresses his wishes to marry another wife?
What needs to happen in order overcome this
hurdle, especially if the party is willing to
compromise? Alright. That's a good question because
if you already spoken to this if you've
already spoken about that prior to marriage, I
didn't I wasn't interested in it, didn't know
anything about it, none of that. But
if that's the issue, if you came to
that agreement,
and then afterwards, as a man, you try
to change it and switch it, that's devious,
that's disrespectful, that's dishonoring
your marriage, and she has a right to
go and make her choice and decision like,
yo, we already did this, are you gonna
try to play the game? That's extremely weak
as a man,
Okay? And he's at fault for something like
that. That's wrong, but, of course, it goes
back as Yoakil, Yo Wali to put this
stuff in the contract. Like, my daughter just
got married, she says she wanna practice religion
and his brother said he don't wanna practice
religion. Now we can't make anything haram, halal
or halal haram. So we didn't say you
can't practice polygyny, but what we put in
the marriage contract was that should he decide
he want to do that, he must consult
with her first, get her permission and agreement
first,
or that'll terminate the marriage. It'll know it's
the marriage. So that protects her. That doesn't
prohibit him from practicing it or trying to,
but it's important that you do have those
discussions if you're of age and you know
these things and everything else, but that's shady.
That's really, really shady, and that's weak, as
a man trying to trick a woman.
You know, that that's dirty, you know, that's
that's janky.
So I hope that helped.
Jumping in on that.
When speaking about views and intentions on Politionaire
as part of the talking stage reduced the
hurt and confusion of being confronted
with it 5 to 10 years into a
marriage.
So, basically,
having an understanding of it.
I don't know. I think it's I think
it's a lesson
maybe, but it's not gonna erase.
Yeah. Redo. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Reduce. What
a lot can be do is because you
have understanding, you're communicating, you're being honest and
truthful with each other. So even if a
person doesn't want something, at least they can't
neglect,
you know, they can Legally
and
lawfully is
Legally and lawfully is 2 different things.
So,
yeah, they're lawfully married to me
through an Islamic marriage. As the co white
one says she started, well, how do you
address this issue?
How do I address this issue of favoritism
by not showing favoritism?
That is a really good answer.
Do the sisters do so you ladies,
do you feel like you have a better
marriage with your husband being in a polygamous
marriage? I do.
Well,
I guess yeah. Speaking from monogamy and being
being polygyny and polygyny?
Apparently, it's something tough. No.
Alright.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. No. No.
No. No. No. No. Hold on, sis. Okay.
I think is it sister Nyla in the
blue scarf,
Or is it Fatima? No. Okay. Sorry. My
bad.
Sister Fatima, your face is speaking volumes right
now. We're not gonna let you get away
with that because you had an answer to
that question. Please, in Charlotte, elaborate.
Well, the the like I said in my
training, I'm not 20 year old Fatima. I'm
45 year old Fatima that needs, like, space
from being wife
constantly every single day where our husband is
in the house all the time. Now he
doesn't do anything. It's just the mere fact
that, you know, I can get up in
the morning
and then, you know, just hang out with
me, You know, just that me time that
I have that I didn't have before. I
was raising
4 little girls that were 2 years apart
at times. You know? So
I've now been waiting for this time in
my life. Now I didn't know Allah was
gonna package it in polygyny.
However,
I understand that he knew that I was
gonna become someone else that needed that time
away from just husband and kids and you
know?
So, yeah, for me it's, you know, it's
great.
Now the last thing, there's a good question.
It was in the chat,
brother Eunice, I believe. I wanna ask from
the kids the children's perspective and the concept
of a village raising a child. I'm gonna
say the oldest of 5, there's a big
gap with the younger siblings. What are some
of the benefits of polygyny for the children
in comparison to monogamous children often in the
same age range?
Well okay.
Go ahead. Oh, okay. No. I was just
thinking, like, because he said
monogamy children the same age range.
One thing I could kinda think of just
only being, like, part of a big family
who was raised kinda in the same household
and everything like that, but
even and then looking at our children
who are in a different household, but then
they come together and everything. Like, it's these
different.
It's these different things that they learn, like
we all have this input
on their upbringing
and
there are things that I may not know
that coach Fatima
does and she may bring to them, and
then they come back to me. I'm like,
that's awesome. I could add this. So it's
so many different things. See, our oldest is
9 years old.
Okay? But our youngest is 8 years old.
Mhmm.
So, yeah, the older children, you know, they're
older. But so that means there's a 9
year old, 8 year old, 5 year old.
Yeah.
5.
5 and then, like, 2a half. You know,
we gotta keep these numbers right. But so
they're all together. So this this group of
4 boys, I had the the girls were
first, and then biologically minor, I had 4
daughters and then 6 sons.
Okay? Then I have 2 bonus children, so
I have a stepson that's 21, like, next
week. 8 days. Wow. And then
Okay. And then
yeah. I mean, he's 15. So, you know,
the ages are fine, but the thing is
that we're we're together.
You know what I'm saying? So they're at,
you know, and we don't live on the
same roof. I don't know if y'all addressed
that or not. We don't live on the
same roof. We live in very close proximity
to each other, literally half a mile away,
I don't know, half a kilometer or something.
Yeah. That's okay. But it's not far. So
with that being said, we see each other
every day.
Okay? Ride together, you know, all these types
of things, but it's a challenge. When I
talk about leadership, it took growth to get
there. It wasn't always there. That was my
fault. You know, I was like, okay. You
you know, they don't have to be friends
because Islam will have to be. You don't
have to be.
You know what I'm saying? I was, like,
okay, you can know and know and I
could have this, but we've grown. I'm, like,
you know, I have a different vision going
on. Alright. So doing that, having influence on
that and and demonstrating to my family that
I'm being fair, that I'm still good, it's
not just regardless what other outsiders and stuff
say. All matters.
So now our children, just our children, they
they ride together. They ride together. It is
what it is. You see a movie that.
You see a lot of that. We we
might not see each other every single day,
me and coach now, but coach now, there's
everybody every day.
And back put it back to you, sis.
I know that, there's another session coming up.
Do you have anything else that you wanted
to us to address?
No.
I think you guys definitely just, you know,
blew some minds today.
Please just finally tell everyone
how they can find you. I know you're
in the Facebook group, but how can they
reach out to you? How can they know
how to help you? You know? How can
You faded out. Tell everyone how to get
in contact with us, I presume,
think personalrelationships.com.
That's the best way we send out information
to our email list, special videos, different streaming,
different bonuses,
discounts on the products and everything that we
have. So that's the best way. It's outstanding
personal relationships.com. And if you wanna look at
our course, or kinda what we're doing today,
we do monthly live, then outstandingpersonrelationship.com/rm
for relationship mastery.
Outstandingpersonrelationship.com/rm.
We definitely appreciate you, Jazakam Allahu Hire, for
the invitation.
We have another training and everything that's gonna
be coming up,
next week here,
as part of the Black Muslim Renaissance,
and we appreciate you.
Thank you, guys. And definitely look out for
the details of the workshop, Insha'Allah.
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