Naima B. Robert – All about Muslims, Situationships & Social Media Nasir al Amin TMC E.7 Clip
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The speakers discuss the issue of women looking for a second or third wife, emphasizing the importance of finding a balance between emotional and practical reasons. They also touch on cultural differences between their constituency and their sister's early forties, and the need for women to trust their abilities and not show their age on social media. They also discuss the importance of being true to oneself and not being a traditional woman, as well as the negative impact of siblings on women, including their desire for traditional responsibilities and valuing their whole lives. They encourage others to speak to their sisters directly and clarify their criteria.
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Had this conversation before.
Been involved in this conversation before.
And
from what I understand
and again, like you said,
there's everybody out there. There's all sorts out
there. You know? And, you know, if this
brother if if he's not for you or
you're not for him, then inshallah, there's somebody
else.
But,
you know, this issue of a woman who's
been married, who has children,
who is now looking for, for whatever reason,
she's looking to pair up again. She's looking
to get married again.
Those men who want
that woman,
how many of them
are already married?
And what do you say to sisters who
are in that position?
Either they've never been married, they're in their
thirties or forties, or they've been married and
they have children. They have responsibilities
already.
But they
will not settle for polygamy. They will not
settle
as as to be someone's second wife or
a third wife or a fourth wife. That's
just like, I can't do that.
What's
what's the solution?
So I I approach everything from a
kind of a therapeutic
perspective.
Right? And so you always have either
a emotional issue or a practical issue.
Right? It's the emotional part you have to
deal with and then the practical part you
have to deal with. And so
excuse me.
For for assistance in that situation,
the first question you wanna ask yourself is,
what are you willing to pay?
Right? What is the cost you're willing to
pay
to extend
your process of getting married?
That's critical.
What are you willing to pay mentally,
emotionally,
physically,
spiritually, and financially?
That cost you have to.
Because if not,
you can rule out collision.
That's fine. But you also have ruled out
a pool of men
and a already limited pool of men that
you have.
Right?
And so so this is also I'm speaking
to, to be very
specific.
I'm speaking to sisters who,
have a a
a high libido
and or sisters that,
enjoy intimacy, period.
Had it in a halal manner, enjoy it,
and want to continue it. The question I
have for those systems is, how are you
gonna adjust that?
How are you going to address that in
a Halal manner?
What are you willing to pay
cost wise
to not have someone in your life to
address that? So some would say it does
it you know, it's not that important, and
this part isn't for you.
Mhmm. I know it's significant number of sisters
where it's that important
that it's ended up them being a mistress
to a married man when in the beginning,
they told themselves they would never be in
polygyny.
And then once they found out
that the man that they're dating is married
and or he's really not going to leave.
As a mistress, though.
Wow.
Engage in
religion.
This is so interesting because it speaks to
may Allah protect us, firstly. SubhanAllah,
protect us and and all those around us
from
from those types of situationships.
Let's put it that way.
But it speaks to something that I've heard
said before where, you know, a wife would
rather her have a mistress
or have an affair
than marry another woman and there be a
another wife.
I don't know how true that is. It's
just one of those things that people say.
But, you know, obviously, you work with a
lot of sisters, you know, variety of backgrounds,
you know, variety of kind of focuses in
life.
But what are your observations
of the the marriage market
amongst your constituency? Okay. So the people you're
working with in this kind of modern Muslim
age, what what are your observations of what's
going on out there?
Brothers or sisters?
Well, you can address the brothers first and
then the sisters.
So what I'm seeing amongst brothers is it's
it's a bias mark.
It's a bias mark. I it literally is.
We got options.
The brothers that I that I'm in contact
with
are are brothers that are,
brothers of resources,
are on their purpose. They're they're grinding.
Right?
They they believe in the law, but they
believe in also getting the pick.
And,
Are they the high value men that we
hear so much about?
So what I would say is they
they are practicing
Muslim men that are
driven,
focused
on purpose,
and got paper.
Mhmm.
And risky law. You gotta get out there
and get it. And they're getting out there
and get it. Right? Mhmm. And so
what they're not willing to settle for, those
that are not married,
Now our sister's above 30,
and they're in their mid thirties. They are
they're
cut off, and I bring this to them.
They
they they 20 they're 24
to 28.
Mhmm. It has to be exceptional,
for late thirties. I mean, for late twenties.
For late twenties. Yeah. But the thing is,
this is this is something I've I've seen
on your page and elsewhere. I've seen, you
know, my sisters
surprised by this. I've seen sisters upset by
this and
and and very, very much taking these types
of requirements personally. And I know you've seen
it too. And and the thing that interests
me is that
it's happening everywhere.
This is not a Muslim issue. This is
globally
women who are in their late thirties, in
their forties, who are looking to pair up,
finding that
all the men of their age group
are not looking at them. They're looking younger.
Right?
And, of course, just like all the women
out there, you can find them on TikTok,
by the way, in case you don't believe
me, but all the women out there who
are saying, where have all the good men
gone? Where are all the men? Right? And
why are none of these men taking me
seriously?
Can I can I please be fluffy?
Side note advice for sisters, please. If you
go through it, boys,
social media is not your friend.
So if
you say that again for the people in
the back, say that again for the people
in the back, please
friend.
Trust me.
If you are going through your phase of
all men or dogs
and it's f it girl season,
please
do
not
show it on social media
because when you age out of that little
phase of all men and dogs and you're
ready to get back on the market,
the men of
value, the men of resources, the men of
means
have long memories.
I tried to explain this to a sister
the other day.
I saw over the course of the past
year. I think she's gotten through a divorce
has a child. And
and
now all of the the stories on her
thing that pops up is her in a
club Mhmm. Put together with us. Mhmm. Mhmm.
And I I just, I sent her a
message that says, I, it was very straightforward.
Like, sis, I'm not trying to sign and
use your DMs. I'm just trying to give
you some advice. Mhmm. I'm married. I'm not
it ain't about that.
If you're looking for quality men,
let's talk.
The route you're going,
what you're showing, you're not gonna find it
there. Meaning Mhmm. Because it was an image
of her up in the lounge and all
that. Sad. And so
I did this one time and this is
the first and the last time. I haven't
done it again. I haven't tried sliding in
to help
First thing there's you know what the first
thing she said to me?
Yeah.
She
said send me some pictures.
Hello?
She's the one who sent her pictures of
the eligible men. Like, man, you ain't got
it like that. Oh, wow. Okay. You hit
thirties and divorced. I'm not saying for you
to to to act out of desperation,
but don't act like all of the cars
are in your hands.
Mhmm. Mhmm.
You need to you need to be having
a different conversation with me. Mhmm. Like,
are they are they practicing?
What are their careers like? Right?
You know, where do they work?
Right? I don't even know whether she should
be having that conversation with you, to be
honest, because at the end of the day
sorry, guys.
You know?
It reminds me of the ayah in the
Quran that says, you know, the pure men
are for the pure women. And I'm not
saying that this is not pure, but if
you're not
on your deen like that, if you're not
on it,
how are you gonna go out there asking
for a guy who is? Right? It's like
you want the traditional man, but you're not
a traditional woman. You want the traditional benefits,
but you don't want the traditional responsibilities. And
we've spoken about this on this channel before.
Right?
So for me, it's it's it's you know,
what I see,
and I see it on your page, and
I see it all over, is a lot
of our sisters
have the same delusions that women
out there in the world have
about
their value. And we're gonna use the word
guys. Sorry. I know you're gonna cringe, but
on the marketplace,
I know you don't like it. But the
reality is that when you're on there swiping,
you know that you're shopping. That that's that's
that's that's what it is. You're looking and
you're either liking or you're not liking. Hallas.
Okay. So let's just let's just keep it
a book. Okay?
So,
so
sisters
overinflating their value
based on criteria
that mean nothing to men,
that mean nothing to brothers.
So, again, it's not our fault. This is
part of the conditioning.
This is part of how we've been, you
know, you know, conditioned, how we've been cultured
to see ourselves through our achievements,
for example, to see ourselves through the lens
of our education, you know, whether it's whether
it's, you know, our master's degree or our
money or our career
or or any of those types of things,
we
elevate ourselves because of those things. Right?
Or
things that we as women,
value.
So life experience, for example, wisdom. We value
those things as women.
And not to say that men don't because
there are plenty of men who,
like you said, would prefer
an older sister because of her wisdom, because
of her maturity,
because of her soberness, etcetera.
But for the sisters out there, you know,
who are in this stage of life and
the thing is, the reason we talk about
this on this channel is because we know
that it's a reality.
We know how many sisters there are out
there, 1 or 2 marriages in, okay, with
children who still want to be married. Right?
They don't want to be on their own.
We know this is a reality. That's why
we talk about it. But,
you know, doing what other women out there
are doing, which is presenting
ourselves
with the our very best masculine qualities
and a whole laundry list of demands.
Right? Laundry
list. A whole laundry list of demands
and
the mentality that
I shouldn't have to settle.
I deserve
x, y, zed, and I shouldn't have to
settle.
And for me and, sisters, I'm talking directly
to you
because you know me already. Auntie Naima, I'm
a I'm a I'm a tell you, you
know, what I see happening
is that we are deluding ourselves
and we are
entertaining
unhelpful
thoughts
about
who we are in the world, who we
can be to a man,
who we should be to a man and
what a man should be to us.
And
if that stuff is not regulated, if that
stuff is not sorted out,
then what's gonna happen is
you'll never see anyone as worthy of you
because you see yourself
as
such. And the thing is, it's it's you
know, subhanallah brother, it's it's it's funny because
as sisters,
we validate each other.
We we love on each other. We support
each other, and I love it. You know,
sisters, we know you. We love it. Right?
We love the fact that our sisters are
always gonna have our back, and they're gonna
always make us feel good, and they're always
gonna, you know keeping it a buck.
Yes. We are. Because you didn't mention we
lie to each other. Okay. But I was
getting there. I was getting there. I was
getting there. Trust me. So
in our spaces as sisters,
we we validate each other. We we love
on each other. We support each other. We
lift each other up. Right? Now a part
of that is, as you said, it is
color lying to each other. It's also soft
okay. Alright. Lying.
I've been calling it what it is. Lying.
Okay.
We we we do lie to each other,
and we soften,
and we, we pander to each other
and we don't want our sisters to ever
feel bad.
And we would don't wanna say anything that's
gonna make I don't wanna say anything that's
gonna make my friend feel bad,
feel like she made a mistake. Like she's
guilty of something as sister that's not sister
code amongst Muslimers. That's not, that's not what
we do. And not to say that there
are not sisters who
and if I can explain it this way,
their motivation
is fisa billi lila.
Those are the only sisters that I've seen
who will be honest with you, like honest
with you, regardless of how you feel. They
will say to you, sis,
you're wrong.
This what you're doing right now, it's haram
or the way that you're going right now,
you're gonna end up in a bad place.
And they do that only for the sake
of Allah. You know, it's only those sisters
who they they truly love you for the
sake of Allah. And they're not, you know,
they're not afraid to tell you the truth
if that is what you need to hear.
Most of us, we love each other because
we love each other. Right? So
if our echo chamber is other sisters
and maybe all our friends
are in a similar situation to us,
The conversations that we have are conversations
of validation,
of support,
of bigging you up, of elevating you, of
lifting you up. But unfortunately,
they are not conversations
that are realistic
or practical
or truthful
because the truth hurts.
And in this particular scenario, the truth hurts
and it burns
because
the fact of the matter is, as I
said before,
it's not a fairy tale.
And none of these situations
are are most of us are not in
a place where we've got all we're holding
all the cards.
By this stage in life, we're not holding
the cards.
We don't have the perfect scenario. We don't
have
tick, tick, tick off any man's list, let
alone a man ticking off our list. You
know what I mean? So so this is
this is
this is what I'm seeing from my side
of things.
There are other arguments to be made about,
well, you know, the brothers are
I won't say
I won't say what the other conversation is
because the other conversation is, as you said,
we talked about social media, and we talked
about, you know, women going through a divorce,
having their little epiphany phase or the 3
zero four phase, and it's online. Right? It's
all being broadcasted.
And the thing is, what we're seeing with
sisters is that we're doing the same thing.
You know? We we and and I wanna
speak to my sisters directly on this one
because
if for example, sis,
you
were on an app
and you were speaking to someone
and
for whatever reason it didn't work out.
Like brother Nasir said, don't go online.
Don't go and record a story.
Don't go and record a reel. Don't record
a TikTok
sharing this is what happened to me. This
is how I feel. Because that stuff, which
is what we were seeing all the time,
right,
is it's creating a narrative in the culture
and you
sound crazy.
And so when a person of, like you
said, of value,
of of standards,
when he sees that,
he says, like, this is chaos.
Yeah. This is craziness. Like, I don't
This is going to complicate my life, and
I don't need it.
And that's the difference between a younger man
and a more seasoned
man is he's looking for
what will complement his life versus complicated.
And so when he gets a whiff
that you will complicate his life,
he will exit.
And that's what makes it that's the part
about
sisters with children that I think
sisters don't get. It's not so much that
you've been married before, that you've been intimate
before, that you have children per se. It's
how can I navigate
and how can she navigate
her children,
my needs
Yeah? And our need as a as a
couple. Yeah.
And and the reality is that's a difficult
thing,
especially depending if you got young children like
the sister I mentioned to. Sister reached out.
She has 4 children
4 children all under the age of 6.
Oh, wow.
And and and it's like, since you want
to get remarried,
how are you gonna have time for another
man and give him his rights, his
due? You got 4 children. Like, mom, you're
nursing.
Like
and that's a beautiful thing, but you're nursing.
Like like
And then
Like, if you're under if they're under 6,
the probability of 1 or 2 of them
still being in diapers,
mom, when you where you gonna get the
time?
Right?
And so and so when your message to
me is,
is this too early for me? And then
when you start giving me your criteria
and then you put up there,
polygyny is not for me. My polygyny is
all for you.
It's for your situation.
I know somebody who would say that polygyny
is what you qualify for. That's what you
qualify for. Now don't let anyone get that
please don't come for us in the comments,
guys. Okay?
Like I said, we're here to have realistic
conversations.
So let let me let me speak to
the people that wanna come to the come
at me in the comments. This is let
me let me clarify because I have no
problem to clarify.
What I mean is this.
Let's look at it from the man's standpoint
that she wants.
Also, just a side note, her criteria is
35 to 38.
So when we talk about quote, unquote
age preferences, let's not forget that this happened
too. But since 35,
divorce with 4 kids,
and as high as you're willing to go
is 3 years.
Mhmm.
It's like, this is those are the delusions
of grandeur. Like, you just
like,
again again,
for anyone keeping notes, it's like unhelpful beliefs.
The thing I want people to take away
is unhelpful beliefs.
Unhelpful thinking will produce
unhelpful emotions and unhelpful actions, and they will
circle back and reinforce
the unhelpful thinking. And the unhelpful thinking that
you qualify for something
other than what you are typically getting request
for,
right, is unhelpful thinking. It's an unhelpful belief.
Right?
And that's what you gotta learn how to
address. Yeah. And that's where
this is not a a a shameless self
plug, but if it is, it is.
This is where I come in,
and this is where I think
the reason why I have
a high
percentage of sisters as clients
is because
those are the uncomfortable
conversations
that the girlfriends don't wanna have with. Right.
Right? That's that uncomfortable conversation that she doesn't
wanna have with her girlfriend. The girlfriend had
her, and she's starting to realize I'm making
the same mistakes over and over. And the
advice that I'm getting
isn't the most help.