Naima B. Robert – Advice to my sisters Raise your standards!
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AI: Transcript ©
Allah blesses us with all the blessings of
this day.
Now, y'all know,
unfortunately,
I very rarely get on Instagram or Facebook
live when something hasn't happened.
Okay. And,
I just wanted to come on here because
I just received a message
that really, really upset me from a sister.
And I'm not gonna go into the details,
of her message. It's to do with her
marriage, etcetera. Okay? And I ask right now
that Allah, Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala, bless her with,
with healing
and with freedom from
the situation that she's in, in the very
best way. Okay? Amin. For all of you,
Amin.
Now
I want to say something,
and this is a message to everybody out
there. I know most of you guys are
will be sisters, but the brothers as well.
I know that you come up on here.
I know you creep up on here, and
I know that you listen to my rants,
so I'm going to address you as well.
But this is specifically
for
sisters who find themselves in a situation, and
I have talked about this before,
but sisters who find themselves in a situation
where they are being
disrespected,
where they are being humiliated on a regular
basis, where they are being abused.
Okay?
I really
at the moment, I really don't have it
in me to kind of bring it
because
I'm kind of tired. Okay? I'm tired.
But
I'm not too tired to tell you
something very, very important, and I want you
to take this message, and I don't want
you to get all inspired and all hyped
up, And, oh, wow. Sister Naima really brought
it. Yeah. She told them, and all of
that stuff. I'm not interested in that. Okay?
Because at the end of the day,
hype is cheap. Okay?
Hype is cheap.
What we want, guys, is transformation.
What we want is change.
What we want is progress, evolution,
growth.
That is what we want, okay? Not hype.
So when I say this to you, I
really want you to listen with your ears,
let it go into your brain, and listen
with your heart, okay?
Please, guys,
ladies in particular,
set a standard for yourself.
Set a standard.
That standard
is what you are willing to accept.
That's what I said, what you are willing
to accept. Okay?
You want people to treat you better?
Raise your standard.
People will unfortunately, human beings are like this.
They will treat you
as badly as you allow them to treat
you. Once you stop allowing them to treat
you in that way, they will stop doing
it because they realize that, oh, this is
not working anymore.
This is not this is not, kind of,
this is not happening anymore. This she's not
available for this anymore.
And listen to me. I'm so sorry. And
the reason I'm so upset about this and,
you know, and and
the reason I'm so upset about this is
because I have had too many messages from
sisters. Wallahi, it breaks my heart.
Too many messages from sisters
whose husbands have treated them like trash
and continue to treat them like trash. Again
and again and again, they have a baby
for him, he treats them like trash. They
have baby number 2, he's still treating them
like trash. He gets wife number 2, still
treating them like trash. Baby number 3, treat
them like trash. Divorce you, yeah? Then in
your I nda take you back, still treat
you like trash.
And you keep being
available for his
b
s. You keep
begging for it.
You keep accepting it. You keep apologizing.
You
keep accommodating.
You keep enabling.
What the hey?
Why would he change?
I have sisters who come on and they
say things like, I, I, I hope that
he would change, I hope that he would
become a good man. He's not a good
man, he's an idiot.
Or a narcissist,
or hurting himself.
He probably has his own issues that you
don't even know about, and he's simply taking
them out on you. And here you are,
little miss, wanting to be a good wife
and a good mother and all of that
stuff, making yourself available
to be treated worse than a prostitute on
the street.
Being slandered,
backbitten,
called names, humiliated in front of your family,
beaten in front of your kids, sent back
to your parents' house, I divorced you, oh
no, I take you back. All of that
stuff. Ladies, we're not available.
We're not available for that rubbish.
You should not be available for that rubbish.
Because, didn't not Allah sana wa ta'ala create
you? Did he not create you?
Are you not worthy of respect?
Are you not worthy of of the honor
and dignity? And we talk about it. Ladies
in the talks, yes, they love to bring
it.
Oh, Islam has honored the women. In Islam,
women have honor and dignity, unlike blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah. I'm sorry, guys.
Yes, Allah gave us honor and dignity,
but we don't honor ourselves.
And we behave like we have no dignity
because what we will accept
shows that to everybody. It's cool. Treat me
however you like. I'm a patient Muslim woman.
I'm a take it. I'll take everything you've
got.
I will take all the rubbish.
I will take all the filth. I will
take all the violence, all the cruelty, all
the meanness, all the insults. I will take
everything, all the filth you've got in you.
I'll take it. It's fine. I'll take it.
I'll carry it for you. Seriously?
Did Allah
not create you for a noble purpose?
Do you think that noble purpose is being
someone's punching bag?
Do you think that noble purpose is enabling
somebody who is sitting in front of Allah?
Do you think that noble purpose is enabling
somebody who is doing Haram,
and is oppressing people? Did Allah create you
to be an enabler for an oppressor? Yes
or no?
Because I'm sorry
if someone is doing something to you. And
we have choices, ladies. I'm sorry. This whole
thing, yeah, this whole thing
about I'm trapped, I can't do anything, you
know, the victim mentality. I've spoken about this
on my lives before and I, that is
the one thing I wish we could expunge
from this ummah.
Sisters living in a victim mentality,
it is your life.
Your life, and at the end of it,
you will answer to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
That's the truth.
You have choices,
you can do anything you want.
Yes, some things there will be consequences,
Some things, your family won't like them. Some
things, you know,
the community might think that you did the
wrong thing. Some things, you know, will come
at a cost.
But at the end of the day, you
have to understand that you came into this
world alone, and you will leave this world
alone, and you will be raised on your
own.
So, if you
want to spend your life
the victim of other people's drama,
the victim of other people's problems,
their pain, their suffering, their insecurity,
that's on you.
But as for me, I was raised for
a noble purpose, I was born for a
noble purpose, I'm in this life for a
noble purpose, and guess what that noble purpose
is?
I want to return to Allah
the best version of myself that I can
be, having lived my best life for the
sake of Allah. That's me.
I don't know about you, but that's me.
And as far as I'm concerned, sis,
please
don't play the victim card
when you are allowing it, when you are
accepting it, when you are enabling it. You're
telling yourself a story in your head that
Allah is pleased with me because I'm being
a respectful wife, an obedient wife. If that's
the story you wanna tell yourself, then good
luck with that. You're going to continue in
that life.
And I'll tell you where that life goes.
You right now, maybe you're feeling strong, but
by the end of it, he will have
rinsed you.
He will have rinsed you.
He will have rinsed your self esteem,
your self worth, your confidence,
any shred of love for yourself. He will
rinse all of that, and the worst thing
is very often, they rinse your iman as
well.
Because at the end of it, when you
can't take anymore,
you may have lost friends, you may have
lost family by that point, you may even
have lost your children.
Okay? And you're left there
an empty shell.
Do
you think that that is what Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala wants for you?
Ask yourself that.
Do you think that is what Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala wants for you? Yes, it's true.
We've got social systems in some of our
communities
that enable this type of behavior
but guys, the change starts with us.
The uncles are not gonna change it,
probably most of the aunties are not going
to change it, and the husbands who are
doing this stuff are definitely not going to
change it.
It starts with us raising our standard
and not accepting
a certain level
of abuse, neglect,
violence, cruelty, whatever it is.
Because, subhanAllah, it's like
and I know I know where it comes
from. I can see it. I can see
it coming through. The sister who is in
that situation
has has has believed has just drunk the
Kool Aid, that she's not worthy. I know.
And if you're that sister in that situation,
I understand.
Okay? I get it.
He's made you think that you're worthless.
He's made you think that no one will
want you. He's made you think that without
him, you're nothing in this dunya, that nobody
would want you, even your family doesn't want
you, even your kids don't want you, where
would you go if you leave me?
But it's not true.
It's so not true
and I really, I really, I want you
to hear that
In the eyes of
Allah, you are gold.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala doesn't create things
for no purpose.
You were created for a purpose,
and you were created
beautiful in your own unique way, with your
own unique gifts, with your own talents, with
your own special
gifts to give to the world,
in whichever way you choose.
And I know, like, one talk on Instagram
or Facebook is not going to change everything
for you. It may not even change your
mind, but please think about that and ask
yourself, Is this what I was created for?
Is this what I was created for?
Was I created
to be the victim?
Was I created
to be the punching bag? Was I created
to be the abused one,
the neglected one, the abandoned one? Is that
what I was created for?
Or does Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, have a
bigger plan for me? Maybe this
was just a catalyst
for me to realize who I really am
and step into who I really am and
start making some choices for myself
and start looking after myself,
and start cherishing,
protecting,
and loving myself,
so that everybody else can understand how to
do it.
Because guess what? If you don't know how
to respect yourself,
no one is gonna do it, and no
one's gonna teach you how to respect yourself,
especially not somebody who is thriving on disrespecting
you.
You teach people how to treat you by
the way you treat yourself.
The way you respect yourself, the way you
love yourself, that is how you teach others
to do it.
So stand in your power. Stand in your
worth.
Stand for who you are, for who you
were created to be. Guys, this life is
short.
And contrary to what you may have thought,
it's not meant to be
a hellhole.
You don't have to stay in a hellhole.
We will be tried, guys. No matter where
we are,
married, not married, widowed, divorced, kids, no kids,
1 kid, 10 kids, living with in laws,
living as isolated from family,
employed, unemployed, self employed, rich, poor, calla haga.
We will be tested regardless.
But some tests
are not worth
it because they destroy you.
Okay? And sometimes we're being tested by the
bad behavior of others, and it is not
upon us to enable them. It is upon
us to guide them to the truth,
to help them come back from their sin,
from their haram,
help them repent, and help them become a
better person because we refused
to be the victims of their bad character.
Maybe you're meant to be his wake up
call.
Maybe you're going to be the one
to show him that it's not okay,
but you won't be that one to show
him by
accepting the abuse,
by accepting the ill treatment. He will not
change.
He will not change.
I'm gonna say it again.
He will not change just because you keep
accepting it because he is in a good
place right now. As far as he's concerned
this is good, this works for me, I'm
happy.
Yeah?
I don't love my wife, I don't sleep
with her, she's boring to me, but she's
there. She'll look after kids, she'll look after
me, she'll look after house, it's cool. Why
should he change?
Why would he change?
What's the impetus?
You keep taking it, he's gonna keep giving
it to you.
Bottom line. Just if you were in that
situation, you'd do the same thing. Let me
play it this way. Yeah? If you had
a husband who allowed you to,
speak to him in a really, really, really
disrespectful,
cruel
way. Okay? Every day abusing him, abusing his
family, abusing his people, telling him he's not
a man, he's nothing.
Yeah? You don't want to sleep with him,
yeah? You don't look after his kids, he
has to stay and look after them, okay?
And he allowed you to do that
and that's what you like, and that's what
you get off from,
why would you change? Wow,
why would you change?
You're cool,
He's accepting it.
But,
it's cool. Like, this is us. This is
who we are. This is what we do.
It's fine. Just like that when you have
a husband who's in a in a certain
groove. Yeah.
And maybe that groove isn't grooving you, if
you know what I mean. Like, it's a
groove that is not helping you. But he's
in a groove and you're accepting it. Why
is he going to change? He's not going
to change. He's never going to change until
something happens.
Something has to happen. Something has to click.
What will it be when you say to
him, I've raised my standard and this is
not acceptable to me anymore?
When you say to him, this needs to
change, otherwise
When you say to him, we need to
get help and if you're not happy to
get help with me, that is going to
have its consequences and they are
When you say to him, I've had enough.
When you say to him, 'I don't accept
that anymore, I deserve more than that.' When
you say to him, 'If you love me
this is what I want,
This is my standard.
When you start to have those types of
conversations,
he starts to see that that behavior that
he was going with before
is has is is not sustainable.
It's not sustainable because the status quo has
changed.
You have changed, you've raised your standard, you're
communicating with him. I'm not talking about getting
rude, I'm not talking about being disrespectful or
rebellious, I'm talking about you internally raising your
standard
and communicating that with him,
and continuing to communicate for the sake of
Allah. Because trust me, when he goes through
that change, when he makes those changes, when
he really asks himself
what he's about, what he's doing, whether he's
doing the right thing, when he examines his
behavior, when he makes changes, guess what that's
called?
It's called growth.
Will he be a better person afterwards?
Yes he will.
Insha'Allah will he see the error of his
ways?
Insha'Allah, he
will. Maybe he will even repent to Allah
for some of the things that he did
and that will be a good thing for
him Because if, a woman or a man
is an oppressor,
Allah is not pleased with them,
and that's what we have to understand.
Allah is not pleased with him, so or
with her. So you think that you're loving
him by continuing to accept the abuse, but
actually you are enabling a zalim,
and the zalim
is not pleasing to Allah.
Allah is not happy with those who oppress.
So, if you're standing with somebody enabling their
oppression, you are enabling them to earn the
wrath of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. And I
know that's not your intention but that's what's
really going on here, and as a human
being
if you say you love him or you
love her the way that they're behaving,
they need to uplevel.
They need to uplevel. A lot of the
time they are hurting themselves.
Sometimes it's purely nus
or ego.
Whatever they are, whether they're hurting and they
need to heal or it's nus and ego,
they need to do the work on that.
They need to do the work on that
for them to develop as human beings, and
we're not helping them by enabling them. It's
the same with our kids. If you have
a son who's doing this or a daughter
who's doing this, it's the same thing. You're
not helping by enabling them, you're actually handicapping
them, and you could be jeopardizing them before
Allah
So as a woman,
as a wife, as a mother, as a
sister, as a daughter,
raise your standard.
Raise your standard
and communicate with very clearly with the people
around you because, guess, check it.
If we as an ummah, as a community,
as a generation,
collectively raised our standard,
okay.
There will be some people who would not
be happy. There will be some brothers who
come up on there and say these sisters
are fitna makers, they're troublemakers,
There will probably be some separations, there will
probably be some divorces. Some of them needed.
Yeah? But
that's not what the point is here,
because what would happen is that,
firstly, those women would get a chance to
heal,
those men would then have a chance to
see their behavior for what it really is
and maybe even evolve and change.
And the children
will see that my mom has standards, and
as a woman I should have standards, and
as a man I should want a woman
with standards, and I should respect that a
woman has standards.
And then,
hopefully,
it becomes
more and more part of the culture that
people understand that I can't get away with
that kind of behavior.
And if I'm wanting to
if I'm wanting to carry on like that,
there are going to be consequences,
and I have to ask myself, am I
ready for those consequences or not? It's the
same with domestic violence, and I said this
in a live a long time ago.
It's the same with domestic violence.
Domestic violence thrives
on enabling
On enablers.
When the wife
allows it
for whatever reason, and the family keeps quiet
about it,
the abuser is enabled to continue with his
abuse.
Now, if a woman puts her hand up
and says, no more.
No more.
What will happen? And if more women put
their hands up and say, no more,
initially what will happen,
there will be women leaving the marital home,
there will be women who become single mothers,
there will be separations and there will be
divorces and there will be divorces, and there
will be convictions. Okay? That is in the
short term. And there will be family relationships
that are broken up in the short term.
All of this will happen in the short
term.
But in the long term,
either later on in life or in the
next generation,
men and women will understand that me abusing
my spouse is not okay.
And there are consequences.
And I don't want those consequences. I don't
want to lose my family because I can't
keep my mouth shut or I can't keep
my hands to myself. I don't want my
uncles and my dad and my mom on
my back. I don't want my my wife
taking my kids and going into a shelter
because I know she's gonna do that, and
I don't want a criminal conviction. So, I
better fix up.
Can you see what I'm saying?
In the short term, it's fitter. Yes, it
is. But the abuse is fitter.
Abuse is fitter.
Okay?
Let's not make any bones about that. Abuse
and this violence and cruelty in marriages is
fitna, and it affects the wife, the husband,
the children, and everybody around it. So let's
deal with things the way that they are.
Ladies, raise your standards. Brothers, raise your standards
in every area of your lives. Go out
there and crush this Friday. I'll see you.