Naima B. Robert – Advice to Muslims on Marriage, Divorce and Intimacy LIVESTREAM
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Alright guys can you hear me the chat is so quiet wow the times
they are changing her let me know in the chat guys if you can hear
me if you can see me if everything is clear
sister or ISA I'm trying to get you to come in as a panelist insha
Allah so that you can there you go
and she should be able to start her video as well but Nila yes
bless it has been really great to see you every almost every session
mashallah you've been here with us so Baraka lafay I pray that you've
benefited I think there's been so much hasn't there I just want to
hear from you know, Sister blessing right now because she has
been here for almost literally almost every talk Mashallah. How
has it been? Has it been like drinking from a firehose Have you
felt like you know, when you listen to one talk, it's like
yeah, that applies to me. And then you hear a different talk from a
different angles like oh, yeah, but hold on that makes sense to
how have you found it in sha Allah have you found it beneficial?
Anything that you're going to be kind of moving forward with? Let
us know inshallah?
So Alikum name on Isa.
Ah, Masha, Allah says I'm renewed in making my marriage work Wow,
that's huge. Well, that is the biggest win that's the biggest win
I think that we can gain by thank you yeah, from from this
conference, if that's made even one person decide to recommit to
their marriage and maybe take some accountability that is just
wonderful Masha Allah may Allah bless you sis in your affairs, and
allow you many more years of even better relationship even better
marriage. Those of you who are not married if you're looking to be
married, may He bless you with spouses that are the coolness of
your eyes in the lab. Anyway, we'll keep the doors for the end.
On the ISA Nyima, are you ready?
I am. How long do we live in? Now we can go now. Can you give me one
minute or we could go live? We are live already. We are live but it's
not recording? Yeah, it's already live on YouTube, SoundCloud and
guys in YouTube.
Tell us where you are attending from. Okay. And also, I know it's
hard. I know it's hard. But let me know which of the talks has been
your favorite so far. I have to say I have to say Dr. Mohamed
Salah is kind of coming out like the conference favorite at the
moment especially as somebody who's new to the channel obviously
you guys didn't know him already. But people really really enjoyed
his presentation yesterday. Mashallah. So, any other
favorites? Any other standouts? Guys, put them in the chat
inshallah? Because I do enjoy seeing your conversations in the
chat and seeing what you guys think we'd love to hear so on a
console when I see you mashallah, yeah, let me know when you're
ready system will record. Yeah, I'm good to go inshallah. All
right, then I'm going to come off video Bismillah and I'm going to
record and that is that and Bismillah for Delhi.
As a matter of here, Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa Salatu
was Salam ala Rasulillah Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa
barakato. To all the viewers today. It's been a phenomenal I
think, three days of just such amazing gems being dropped by such
amazing people Alhamdulillah. And it's just really beautiful to be a
part of it. And I just really want to thank my namesake and my
beautiful friend, Naima for facilitating and making this
possible. When I saw the title, you know, don't push him away. I
really, it spoke to me, it spoke to me on so many different levels.
Because when I think about it, I think Subhanallah we,
you know, everyone's talking a lot about feminism. Everyone's talking
a lot about, you know, reclaim, you know, the men are being
misogynist and,
and, you know, the woman needs to have a voice. And, you know, it
makes me kind of, I think
maybe I was affected by the whole feminism, being a practicing
system, myself being involved in our for over 20 years, and I never
quite realized it.
And I think also Alhamdulillah I would be lucky to have faith that
I've been married for 20 years and when you have a marriage,
it's not. It's not always plain sailing.
always learning, always evolving, always.
And with those with those years, we change as people as the tests
come, children
as a blessing they are, you know, it can be very testing, having
sleepless nights, having very difficult kind of health issues.
I've gone through immense health issues.
And when you're tending to your nursing a baby, and you're
pregnant, you've got another kid here. And, and you might have feel
really, it's kind of a lack of sleep can can mess with your
emotions, it's sometimes so difficult to just navigate through
your day, just to get to the end of your day is a challenge within
itself. And, you know, in in that survival mode, I feel like it's
Pamela.
As much as I needed to be taken care of, I still had a role and
responsibility towards my husband. And, you know, I think this is one
we live in the west where we don't have, we're not living in a
cultural system, many of us, we're not living with extended families,
we're not seeing our elders, and how, how the elders were,
and society, always pushing to us, you know, if you don't see
something, right, then you've got to speak out against it, and how
we respond to the challenges. And so, for me, today, I was thinking,
how can I approach this topic? And I think, for me, it has to be from
my own kind of journey, and my own personal perspective. And one
thing I realized is that many times we have stories that we
know, and I will say this to tonight, as well, that one of the
things for me was the beautiful sorts, you know, stories from the
Sierra, the beautiful examples that we have, they're not just
stories there that are just placed there to just for the sake of it,
they're there to help us navigate our to help us navigate through
the very difficult times where we feel like
how do I deal with it? How do I get through this, and to take the
people that are last funnel data has put the stamp of approval on
them as examples. Why because the test isn't always what you're
being tested with, like, lack of sleep,
you know, small little comments being dropped, feeling on edge,
having some of these things,
having maybe financially not being
in a good in a good place. That is your test. But the real test is
the way you respond to your test. The real test is how you respond
to your test.
It's not an excuse to say,
I'm feeling low today.
So I'm just going to
chuck things, smash things up, shout and scream, sweat, become
aggressive, become hurtful in our in our in our ways, and in our in
our voices or in our words. So when I think about
recently, I was doing a class on hubiera there and half. And I was
saying to the sisters, that
Hanalei we were talking about them in the moment that the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam received revelation, but a
beautiful moment.
And a very difficult moment for him.
And she supported him in the most beautiful ways. Hanalei, Khadija,
Allahu taala, on how,
you know, before he received revelation, we know that
he needed that time to reproduce. He needed that time to come away,
to reflect, to ponder.
And
to just come away from society, he needed that headspace, the best of
creations of Allahu Allah.
And while he was there in the cave, she would pack him food.
And, you know, she's noticed that I've given him food and supplies
for about three days. And he's not he's not back.
What's her response? Now? This is the key part. What's her response?
Cash, she's left me here with my these kids. The house everything.
Why? Why is he gone? Why does he keep doing this? Just think I want
us to think if our husband had to go away because they're feeling
like confused or they're not happy with things around them.
How do we support them? This is the key that I'm going to come to
his house we support them in a difficult moments.
So did she say here I am. lumbered here. If I have six kids just
dealing with stuff now he should have been back. It's taken a Mick
she she went to check on him. If anyone who's climbed gelatin, you
know, juggles to load and gone up to hide a heater. Oh no, that's
not an easy climb.
What did she do? She took up more supplies. And she went to check up
on him that she went to ask him, are you okay?
Not, you know, he said, you're just going to be a few days like,
there was concerned. And obviously, they'd been married for
that period of time, where 15 years, where they've got to know
each other. And they had that time to build, but they, they didn't
have revelation guiding them. They didn't have examples of Sahaba to
have you had, and here's the corpus best of creation.
We have that and yet Subhan Allah O clock with one another is, it's
not good. And, and even for myself, you know, I feel ashamed
at the way that
you know, I've I've laid off even still, you know, this is the tibia
that we are lacking in our Dawa. The, the connection that we have,
when the Prophet salallahu Salam came down.
She didn't say to him,
what to expect, I've been away for so many days, you know, maybe
you've hallucinated, maybe you're hurt, you know, maybe I shouldn't
put doubt on him. She brought up his results. She told him that
Allah wouldn't do this to you. You're a man who keeps ties and
kinship. You're you're someone who looks after people, you look for
people to help. She told him his good characteristics. This hair is
psychology to the best. Anyone who's going to study like,
you know, human interaction? This is it, that when our husbands,
maybe you have lost their jobs, maybe have had a bad day? Do we?
Are we able to read them? Are we able to know that maybe
something's not right here. Maybe they, you know, are we are we able
to understand the signs without them having said it, and I feel
that
we're very quick, especially when I sit with sisters, and, you know,
we sit we see these conversations, and even for myself, I feel that
we need to be the leader, rather. And we need to find that leader
who can help our husbands when
they're having an off day. Rather than pushing them down to this,
the first thing
I remember when I got married, my husband had come back from Egypt,
you're studying there. And
when he came back, he didn't have a job. When sent my father alive
mercy on him, they said, You need to find a job to be able to get
married to her.
So he found a job.
And,
and my brother had said, This guy is a good guy. I like I like him.
But there's something in him, he starts certain things, and he
stops them does a quality. So it's going into this and he didn't
really have a proper kind of qualifications, you could see
because his father passed away when my husband was 19. Layer
humble. And he had to take the responsibility of his family,
being the eldest of
five other siblings, he was the eldest of six. So he left his
education to go to work, and how it was providing for the family.
And, you know, it's upon I remember, I think we're probably
third year into our marriage. And I said to him, you know, I think
you should study, I think it's, I think, you know, like, look how
quickly these three years have gone could have had degree by now,
you know, like, maybe we should pursue a
course. You know, let's just do a degree and, and think about how we
want to
specialize in something.
And I remember that he did an access course. And he did his
first year university, when it came out his his exams, suddenly
became really anxious, had a lot of anxiety. And he became sick.
And he said, I can't I can't do it. The studying is just not for
me. I really,
I can't I can't do this. And in my head, I can actually hear my
brother's voice but his thing start stuff, but he doesn't quite
finish it. And I could have said
oh, here we go again, you know, bit of a
jack of all trades, master of none, you know, here we go.
And I remember saying to him, You know what, you started something.
You know, you have to give it you know, you have to give it your
best shot. You have to study it try and if you felt that fine, but
don't come away from not seeing your exams, you know, and
Hamdulillah He just had to get over that first hurdle. finished
his degree went on to do a master's did a PGCE. hamdulillah
like taught abroad, but some
times, that's also in life. And that's what we need to be for one
another is pillars of support, that when we see that the other
one is down and hurting that, are we able that and to give them that
support? Because I could have just said, Well, here we go again, my
brother told me about, this is your character, and this is who
you are. And
he heard, let's go to the next thing, you know, but handy love,
because
if we help each other, overcome our fears,
overcome anxieties, overcome those challenges that Allah subhanaw
taala presents to us, and from them challenges is where growth
lies. That Al Hamdulillah you take that step to a hospital to Allah,
and Allah subhanaw taala takes more steps towards us. And he's,
you can apply this to anything, anything in life. And, you know,
for me, I'm a cycling instructor. So well, one of the huts, diver, I
have a few. And,
you know, he sees the mental barriers that we put around us, I
can't do it. I can't do it. And in marriage as well, we have to be
the the spectators and the supporters of the other. Now, some
of the ways that a lot that we can sometimes, unfortunately, push
away.
Our partners is through conflict as well.
You know, examples of conflicts would be I think we were talking
about this yesterday in yesterday's panel,
that respecting the person. I think one of my biggest mistakes
in marriage was I felt and I spoke about this actually on last year's
panel. I think the question was, Sister NEMA asked us that what
would you have changed? What would you have done differently? What
would you I said a couple of things. Like, I wish I was more
domesticated and more organized. But one of the things was
I think I went into the marriage thinking that we were on the same
level, like we're mates. And I think that that's, that's not
good. Always. You can't have like, and I'm quite, I'm quite
headstrong, sometimes. Sometimes just sometimes, but handy luck.
But for instance, I think one of the sisters yesterday was saying
that we're using the example of a sibling. So if a sibling had said,
you know, turn left,
and it's the wrong way.
It was right, for instance, how do we respond? Same ways, and like
one sisters, I've said that, how would we be if it's our husbands?
And I think that I wanted to say yesterday, as well, is how do we
react? You know, when our husbands make mistakes as well?
And that can be quite difficult, you know, if like, do we sit there
and say to them that I told you, it was right, you know, you know,
imagine you had to get somewhere and you're late, undermining our
husbands is a way of pushing them away as well. And, you know, I
just don't I know that. Everything I can say is, is both ways, you
know, they have a data jet over us. So I just want the sisters to
humble themselves. And
you know, what your sister could be driving and he could be having
a go at you. I'm not, I'm not here to talk like that. I just want us
to, to know that we don't always have to respond. We don't have to
respond. Because the more we say, we're more accountable for
sometimes seeing a lot ends up creating more damage. And then
there's more to clean up as well.
So we could say that,
you know, you just think you know it all, you know, you always
don't, you know, they say this apartment anyway, that they don't
like to take directions. I'm just, maybe it's a bit of a typical
example to give. But, but it's real. You know? Like, don't
belittle your husband. Don't highlight his mistakes. Don't make
him feel like
that he he's, he's not, you know,
why can't we just say, Well, next time in sha Allah, we will learn,
you know, we can learn from this. Sometimes site hadn't done that
turning, if we hadn't done that turning.
Listen to this year, if you had just listened to me.
I'm not saying this to you. Because
if you just listen, if you had just listened to me, we would have
been there on time. What did the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam say
about the word if
the word if is functioning Dawn,
we need to recognize the Wasp associate Dawn and what he does to
break up that kind of relationship. And, again, I wanted
to really highlight this yesterday. So I'm kind of glad
that I'm here today to say to the sisters that
Marriage is the institution that Shakedown really wants to just
mess up. It's the institution, which is the foundation of a
wholesome society, when the home is messed up, then it has a ripple
effect into societies. And how can we almost like be solid? When our
homes are so disrupted? How can how can it be?
And so she
thought sneaky.
shaytaan is sneaky.
We need to be able to recognize the shape on and how you see
characterised characteristic of a shaytan is that he actually uses
real life situations and emotions, and exasperates them makes them
bigger than they are, and creates that kind of, can you believe he
did that? Can you believe he said that? I won't take that, you know,
you made that luck food and you didn't even like thank you for it,
you know, or he's criticized it, or he's not acknowledged it, or
you've asked him to go somewhere. And systems might have an event.
And you've been out two, three times already that week. And he's
another sister comes to you and says, Come lisco You know, there's
there's an event on, or there's a party or there's a wedding or
there's the invitation. And you ask him and he says no, no, come
on, let's just say whatever.
You don't like his response. And I'm so I'm always giving to this
man your case response to the start thinking?
Do we start thinking that Subhanallah
I'm worthless, she's done will come and make it and say something
can do it. And so you know what? doesn't appreciate you? He doesn't
value you. And so we need to understand.
And I again, I was mentioning this yesterday is when we're invested
into our relationships, when we're doing things for the sake of Allah
subhanaw taala. Make it so that we know that this isn't our agenda
for ask you guys now. For instance,
what does your house look like?
What's your living? Like? What's your house like? Some of you be
able to tell me it's three bid for bid to bid bid set.
My water like this myself, as I like this, my floors are like
this, you'll be able to describe it.
For us in our marriages we need to become mission is
as wives especially because our husbands are paradise or they are
not pleasing them is pleasing Allah subhanaw taala. Sometimes
when you have something from your husband, and again, let me just
make a point here. We're not talking about moral, oppressive
behavior, okay? That's a whole different thing. If you feel that
your husband is oppressing you, or that he's unjust to you, or that
your relationship is the one to use the word toxic, but really
unhealthy. Then seek counseling and seek that, you know, get a
third person involved. I'm just talking about very mundane, day to
day things. Because this, these are the things that shaitan uses
to play with our heads. And
so if he wants to say that you can't go somewhat, it's not to say
that you've never asked you out, you know, you've been out a couple
of times already in the week and a big deal.
Ladies, we do like to socialize sometimes.
You know, it's Paula,
how do you respond? Is it such a big deal?
And
how do we manage then that conflict? Like I said, What did I
say before
the test isn't in what you're being tested with is how you
respond to it. And the more you let it play with your head,
don't let say don't feed your spouse.
And that it's it's like I said that words are like blurs, the
more that are given. There's more damage. And then there's more to
rectify, you know, what really makes it difficult
is when we harbor these feelings as well. They let you allow them
to fester into us.
And then we can come get over it. But then what happens is,
something else will happen and because we've let it fester within
us, we've you know, feeding the waswas don't entertain negative
thoughts is the most damaging thing you could do. You know we
talk a lot about mental health. It's the most it's the it's the
worst thing. Recognize shaytaan please sisters, say older bIllahi
min ash shaytani R rajim. And think about the good like the
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has advised us that if
there's something that you dislike, while he was addressing
the Sahaba in your wives, they look to the good in them. And this
is what we need to do. We need to train our minds to be
positive
And to be appreciative, and to be grateful for the net amount that
will last, you know, to add as best as with the blessings that He
has blessed us with. Because, like I was saying, Let me retract
sorry, sometimes what happens when I don't have notes, but
I was saying about picturing your agenda picture in your house.
So in this house, I will say that in this dunya, if I was to ask you
what your living room is, like,
I'm not sure if anyone's got jotted any comments in the boxes.
But this is where we have to ask ourselves, what is your house in
general look like? You know, we need to create a last one or two,
Allah has given us beautiful, beautiful descriptions of Jannah.
And one of the things for us to be able, you know, they say,
Seven Habits of Successful people. One of the things is to be a
visionary, you know, to be so that you could picture exactly how you
want things to be. And that's what you're going to strive for. So
when you want to change those habits, we want to become a person
of success. They say picture, picture, picture your Jana, when
we start thinking about the end, coming forward, coming to where we
are now.
And we'll come out of that mindset. Sometimes I'll see it as
Paula something so trivial. Start thinking about
the beautiful.
I was gonna say, the streams of Jannah and the honey, and the
milk, and the water and the mosque and the bricks of gold and silver
and the sense and how they all been the best. Isn't that what
we're working for?
Where the Shaheed will say, send us best wishes to just go through
it all again.
dystonia is so small
and yet
we're breaking our homes.
We're breaking homes.
Like I'm not allowed on a night out when my sisters
assist us to talk to our husband honorably. Why?
Why are we doing this?
That Allah has blessed us. He's given us Eman. He's made us
awesome. He's honored us. He's given us guidance.
He's given us partners to play with, to strive with.
Think sisters think about Allah
for revealing his beautiful for his tossing Jana
Sook felt a place Chudleigh to nine, where there will be no pain,
where there'll be the hardship, where there'll be no struggle.
Don't worry, just be laughter and goodness.
Don't waste your dunya
the trivial matters of the dunya
for a beautiful abode. And
don't deceive yourselves. It's not worth it.
Sort of things I wanted to say. And I'm sorry emotionals quite a
lot
is
how else do we push our husbands away?
Which does have some potential
psycho analyze what they say.
I said this and he said that, you know, sometimes actually my
husband we used to say to me, you're really difficult to get
into an argument with he used to say to me, you're in hard work.
Because you remember stuff. I would be able to cook back as
though I've like memorized Bukhari and Muslim like literally I would
be like you said this at this time and then like literally, but the
comebacks but they will obviously true but I'm just a psycho analyze
everything. And I will share time playing with my head. You know,
why is he like this with them? And why is he like this with me? Why
does he have a different standard for his family and a different
standard for me? Why does he not that I'm saying these things about
myself? But I have you know, just as an example of what my in laws
come from me
stuff that I love my son was a beautiful, beautiful people
hamdulillah bless them immensely.
So letting you know don't psychoanalyze like I think that's
one of the points. playing mind games. Sometimes I see sisters as
well. And the nature of women it could
be I don't know. And so we could play mind games with our husbands.
Be clear, explicit.
Let him, you know, expecting him to read our minds and things be
clear into things that we want.
Don't push them away by being, like, you know, don't have to
explain everything to you. It's so basic, you know, why are you not
getting this?
I had a friend who was saying to me that when a husband goes to the
shops, he still has to call her and ask her like, you know, what's
the best bread to get? You know? And she's like, what? He just
doesn't get it? I said, I'm the law. You know, it's not I said,
handy last year, wasn't there. Sometimes, we can complain about
these things. hamdulillah Hamdulillah? hamdulillah he's
there getting a good view? You know, Hamdulillah He is there.
Hamdulillah you have a man who's goes down and does the shopping
and Hamdulillah? You know, what's the big deal if you have to keep
explaining things? Like, really? When I use this example, sometimes
in my classes?
I don't know if it's the best example. But
you know, I say to sisters, right? Imagine
you're on the motorway and you're driving
and a bird comes in?
Does a bird dropping on your windscreen?
Would you become focused on that? Right? No. Because if you become
focused on it,
what will happen, you're not knowing where you're going,
you won't be able to drive properly, you're not be able to
navigate yourself properly. These trivial things in life, they're
literally just bird droppings on our screen, just put your
windscreen wiper on or whatever you have to do. I don't drive
right. I'm a cyclist. So
you know, just just take it out. Take it out of your mind. And I
remember one time I was doing a class and I had a complete
whiteboard, complete whiteboard. And I put one black.on, the corner
of the board. And I said to the sisters with a black marker,
what can you see on the board? And they said, Well, I said, What do
you see in this is the black dot. And that's exactly what shape plan
makes us do. It looks makes us look at maybe something negative,
maybe something so small and trivial makes that our focus
point, but we can't see the whole empty whiteboard. That's our life.
You know, so just widen your fearful view of life come out of
it, and, and see things in its greater kind of
view viewpoint, inshallah.
One thing we shouldn't do as well is try and change our husbands.
You know, we'd all like to do that. We'd all like to change them
to, you know, certain things that we don't like.
Don't try and change them or compare them to some next man.
Trust me. You don't want to be compared to some some brother's
wife, you know, some next man's wife, could you imagine in his
Hummer, or he compares your food or something?
Just, you know, don't have those expectations. But sometimes we can
do that and push them away by just showing that, you know, well, you
need to change this. He needs to change that in, you know, maybe he
does, but who's ever changed by being told to change? Who's ever
thought oh, you know, turnarounds, if someone I don't know, you're
lazy. You're just so lazy. You know, you come home from work and
you just sit there on your phone on your laptop. Like we don't
exist. You know, the prophet our seller, Mr. Busy himself in the
house, but things that needed to be done. You're just so damn lazy,
you know? Could you just let us know? Could some of you guys here
know? And what is he going to start turning around saying?
That's true, you know? Wow, I really am. Wow, okay, Thanks for
Thanks for pointing that out to me. No one's ever changed like
that. We need to become more wise with our words and our dealings,
you know, and the way that we interact, show that respect and to
see that, you know, how long maybe has had a hard day, you know,
you know, he's come back from work. How do you respond to him
when he does come home? To make him tea? Do you ask him how easy
is to get allow him to unwind and to switch off and maybe he does
want to jump on his phone for a bit and, you know, get into that
kind of space headspace before he can start interacting with you and
the kids, you know, so try and see him from his perspective. You
know, maybe you are needy at that time. Maybe you can't wait for him
to kind of come home actually, I had that today.
You know, the kids were at home. hamdulillah have six kids and all
boek sha Allah Allah make the most ethical Giardia for me, my husband
in sha Allah and an asset for the ummah.
And, but the younger ones still really just highlight, they've
just started to play up.
And I had to, I had a call with a sister and my husband, he had
cycled to Cambridge today, London to Cambridge. And
I knew he was cycling from fajr, we came back and I was like,
trying to
speak to the system, but like, it's now you get to Abba up was
him, you know, you could deal with it. Let him do and then I thought
to myself from dinner, I went and I asked him, Where do you recycle
to? Cambridge? I said, Okay. So I knew that he'd he needs that time,
timeout as well. Handy land, you know, you had his food and his
drink and his wrist and everything. And then I was like,
now, can you hear any noise? Say Hamdulillah. He's got them. He's
got them from Tinder. So we need to understand each other, to keep
that healthy communication, going, you know, and to understand what
the other is going through. And us as women is difficult, I'm not
gonna say it's not because we're mentally we go through so much.
You know, when we're oscillating our temperaments, even
scientifically, they say that our brain brain sizes changes, right.
So there's a couple of things to kind of look at. Now. I think
there was someone who had a question that popped up. And I
think that's when I got a bit distracted.
You want me to take the questions at the end?
Yes, that will be fine.
Yeah, let's do that. Okay.
Couple of things as well.
Women like her saying, sometimes we can say that, and we can feel
that we're not
feeling supported, you know, when a wife speaks to my husband,
you know, but when we are clear, like I said before, in our
communication, we show that respect, we're willing to serve
him.
Yep, I said it serve him. It's not, it's not.
It's not difficult, you know, when we feel that
we're willing to serve Him and make his play, or to invest in to
bring him tea.
So might,
he will want to, he would, you know, when you show him
compassion, he will want to be there for you. Obviously, if
matters are serious concerns, like I said, persistent, then advice
should be short, sought, but take the good with the bad. Now, it's
important that we don't respond to
like our saying, harboring any ill feelings, and be quick to resolve
the issues. One of the things that I'm saying about this, as well as
it makes it harder for us to be intimate as well, you know,
because
we, for men, it's anything could have happened, unity, anything
could have happened, Trinity. But when it comes down to that time,
they've forgotten it all. You know, it doesn't really matter to
them, they're still able to perform, right. But for the woman,
when we've had a rough day, or if words have been, and we're
harboring on to those kind of emotions, we're holding on to
them, that can have an impact in the bedroom as well. And it's so
important, and it's just people don't realize like, Paula, that
those frustrations, and a woman not getting her needs met as well
can impact her in so many different ways.
And this is why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi salam you
mentioned actually to the men, that if you've reached booted your
wife, if you've said something
that's going to upset her to do not in the day, then do not take
pleasure from her in the night. There is a Hadith about this. But
you know, it should be highlighted more to the brothers, but I'm not
here to talk to the brothers. But we have to
be mindful of how we, how much we hold on to, and is it worth it?
One of the things that obviously I've seen as well is don't compare
relationships.
But one other thing that we should do is be careful of our circle of
influence. You know, our circle of influence and how it affects you
know, I remember when I got married, lovely friend of mine,
hamdulillah bless her, she said to she said to me
is that this towel they gave you for gold. Like she was thinking
like they should have given more, you know?
And then my boss gave me a generous amount. It's not like I
wasn't into golden stuff anyway, didn't really faze me. But she was
She sent this comment. I didn't think too much on it. But I
remember saying it to my husband. And he was a bit upset, or like
hurt. He said, That's Paula. Although she's, you know, lovely
sister, but be mindful. And I realized that Paula also was I was
like, did they? Did they give me enough or not? Or have they
learned that I'm not?
I didn't have that interest in gold, I actually ended up giving a
lot of it away.
Because I don't like Gordon got married young and didn't really
understand probably the value of it, like, I do know.
But I think, you know, sisters, who could, you know, friends can
drop comments. And that could be quite difficult. You, you may feel
like, you're, you know, and that that could influence your your
marriage. I remember.
Sister said,
Does your husband does your husband not cook? Does he not help
her on the house? That's really strange. Subhanallah like
something like, you know, but it's just, you know, a dig of a
comment, really, she might have just said it, like, just saying
it. But they shouldn't remember what I said about shaytaan and how
he'll carry the things and make these kinds of negative
comments, although it might not have been said with negative
intent, but it can be received like that, Shannon's gonna see it
as well. This is a good opportunity to play around with
someone's head, you know,
don't make yourself feel small and undermined, in your husband's
way. Just think about your marriage. And like I said,
yesterday, as well said earlier, invest yourself into it when
you're focused on your home, your husband, your children,
and your own self, your connection with Allah subhanaw taala know
and be content in that build your Jana,
there and here.
Don't let your circle of influence is your circle of influence, but
influence you to an extent where you can't recognize things for
what they are, you can't recognize your husband for the good that he
is, you know, he is take the good with the bad. It's really not an
issue because Allah subhanaw taala
has created us like that is created us with flaws has created
us not to be perfect, why not angels? You're not perfect. You're
you are not perfect. I am not perfect. We have a lot of errors.
But this is where the graph comes in. This is where the humility has
to come in this is where we have to kind of look at ourselves and
say, You know what,
I need to work on myself. I need to look and see how I can improve
myself and
time how we do for time now
you're good? You know the 15 inshallah
you do really great, Mashallah.
This was meant to be interactive, you know that. So that's why I
think
Hamdulillah. So, like I was saying about communications, express it
to him if you haven't Marathi. If you feel like, you need some time
off, I know, nema said, that we shouldn't be getting take away
yesterday. Like, you know, can you take away mine if you need it?
Like the next one, on, take away be feeding you cover up?
Obviously, we need to be invested in our health and an eating well,
she need that time out, you know, express it don't always expect
them to understand what we're going through and express it to
them in a way where and this is really important.
You know, sometimes we will speak to them in a language where
we understand and that's why when you speak to children's fitsum in
different manner.
You have a language from for children slower, maybe a little
bit more high pitched bit more excitable. What's your language
with your husband? Because ultimately, they're from us. We're
from Venus, you know? Okay, but we all you know, we have I saw this
thing yesterday, right on Instagram, where it said, I asked
my my husband to put the food away in the fridge, and it's stacked up
pots and the pans have gone into the fridge and they're just
stacked up. They're not like been putting containers or anything.
She asked him to put the food in the fridge, he put it in the
fridge. So many people very linear, very literal.
And the details lie in specifics. The details lie in specifics, be
clear, have good expectations, and when things don't work out the way
you
want them to work out? How do you respond to it? Again, coming back
to what I said in the beginning, the test doesn't lie with that
moment, that annoyances, the irritation, whatever your test is,
it's your response that counts.
You look at the stories of the Sahaba, you look at the people
that Allah has given stamping and approval on
the prophets, all the stories that we have this rich knowledge that
we have, it's there for a reason is to show us how they responded
during the times of difficulty.
And we will all be tested. As we know, well, another one that can
be shaken with a whole few will draw, we're going to be tested
with fear and hunger, and loss of lives and all of these things are
going to happen to us we know this. But yeah, how are we going
to respond? Then Allah says, that give glad tidings to those who say
what in Allah who no longer got you on that ultimately,
that the shift here the mindset is, that indeed, we belong to
Allah to him as I returned. During your test, you're, you're reminded
that Allah is the One who has Allah that our Busan our to Allah
has given us everything has given us what was taken away from us and
enabled us in the first place to have the pleasure of it because To
Him belongs to heaven and earth.
So when we are tested how we respond to it is key. How we show
up is key. How we self regulate ourselves is key. How we manage
our emotions is key. And please please sisters, to things. Know
Allah subhanaw taala really know a lot. Get spend time knowing a last
minute Tyler through His names and his attributes through his
Tauheed. Strengthen Your Eman the best way to strengthen your Eman
is still moving our Lord, knowing our purpose connecting with the
Quran and knowing she thought
knowing shaytaan because we haven't we can only become or the
two of the parties. We can either become holy to Allah or Holly to
shape
there's either going to be the people of gymnasts halben Jana or
has happened not really this is a reality get to know your your Lord
and get to know you're the one who wants to take you away from the
Lord know what they say is keep your friends close but keep your
enemies closer don't keep your keep keep on closer. But know him
know him know his tricks. Know how he has worked slowly and hard to
pull good people or people of Eman away from the last minute
he was there himself arrogance get to know the the diseases of the
heart especially assistant especially I will speak to the
sisters who are
have been in the dean for a while, you know come back to the basics
again. Revisit your foundation revisit a HELOC and you know in
the protest settlement mentioned about sahab yet, she used to pray
five times a day, pray five times a day. But she was bad to the
neighbors.
And he said that she's a very she is what she the person the
hellfire. You know, don't judge one another about you know, she's
she's a sister who has the pub, or she's in hijab, or she's been in
Tower. Or should that you know, look also online, we're not going
to ask you to judge people's stuff. All I'm saying about
ourselves that you know, don't deceive yourself. Don't deceive
yourself, who here has a guarantee that they're going to Jannah who
invest in yourself, know yourself. Know how you are in your times of
ease, know how you are in time to devote hardship know how you spend
your time
and be gender focused.
Gender focused really spinal ly you know, when you become gender
focused, you're not concentrating on any bird droppings on your
windscreen, trust me. You know, you just, you know, wipe it off,
done. You can't see it. We can't see it in your view. That's how we
need to become we need to become vision is that wide vision that
you know what Allah, I'm grateful to. You know, I work every week
with the river sisters. And every weeks put along and I sit there
yesterday as well having dinner we had a shahada
nearly every week we have a Shahada. And you see this sisters,
the sacrifices they're making, when they're coming into Islam,
and many of us are born Muslims. And you think about how Allah
subhanaw taala is guiding so many people. That is such a beautiful
thing that we have an imagine one of the sisters were to come to our
homes, and they want to see how we interact with our children and
they want to see how we interact with our husbands. What are they
see what they
see Islam as it should be. We are the vice virgins we are. We have
been put on this earth as a responsibility. And I'm speaking
to myself, I'm not sitting here saying, oh, yeah, coming to my
house, like we're gonna see, like, you know,
I don't know, some Bollywood love romance thing going on
as much as probably my husband would like him dinner. But it's,
you know,
it's important, hon Allah, it's so important that we take those times
out, do things, you know, that where we are invested in ourselves
in our health, I say this a lot to sisters, to take time out for
yourself, be clear, but honestly, don't don't push these men away
who who need to be supported, you know, in a in a in an amazing,
soft, delicate way. With wisdom. Don't go to them grudgingly.
I have to tend to my man's duties. Because if I don't, the angels are
going to be cursing me all night. Oh, gosh, you know, I might as
well just do the deed and go over and done with, you know, it's an
act of bother and
show gratitude, you know, show that willingness enjoy one
another. But it's hard. You know, if you can't, you're bringing your
baggage, you're bringing your baggage to the relationship,
you're bringing your baggage to the bedroom, ultimately, because
you're allowed shaytaan to mess up your, and if it hurts me so much
communicating, I'm not telling you, I'll be so forgiving them be
so they'll be forgiving. I'm not saying that.
But if it's gonna mess up your mood so much that you can't become
close and intimate, then communicate, you know, and, and
ask him in a time, which is when you're calm, you know, and say, I
didn't appreciate the way that you spoke to me. I didn't appreciate
the way certain things were said or done. Please, like, you know,
if it's so painful, you know, I'm not telling you to be a martyr,
I'm not asking you to, to not have feelings to just be so gender t
that, you know, you're you're ready to just kind of lay yourself
down for anything.
Just communicate it and be and be kind.
But be gender focused, because that's really going to
really change things.
Lastly, I just want to say is
two things.
One is don't push them away through ingratitude. I think I may
have mentioned it earlier as well. But really
it's really important. I think that remember, once I text my
husband,
you know, that has home one day, and I've just kind of said to him,
dude, I don't have to go to work. I mean, I do work. And when you
have you know that I've got a business, you know, honey business
are exactly the best of businesses, but
I have a business, I was cycling instructor and I do a few other
things. But
I'm able to work a lot from home as well.
I mean, having said this, it's something new to me, because I was
at home not working, not doing anything. Not doing the business
for many years, you know, probably about 15 years, my marriage
wasn't. And just to have, I think there was one day I just sat there
and I thought to myself, you know how nice it is to have someone
actually pay the rent,
actually pay towards the food, pay towards the bills. And
Thai is such an hour. Like it says, just think about it.
Just think that you don't have the stresses of dealing with that.
And you I think I texted him to sing, you know, thanks for that.
And he was like, Uh huh. But it actually made him so happy, really
happy. One thing I used to do in my classes in our Holika,
actually, when it comes down to marriage is I would ask the
sisters that are in the class, to take out their phones
and send a text message to their husbands.
And so I'm someone who likes to be practical in my data and like to
be practical in my approach. I like my examples to be relevant.
And so for those of you who are listening today, if you are
married, I'd like you to take out your phone. Even if you're at
home. You're not sitting next to your husband.
And I want you to six and
just text him text him something nice text him.
I don't know. How are you thinking of you? Whatever you want to say.
I'd like to see you guys. This is something that if you've listened
to me up until now, my request to you please text him even whatever
and say something nice. And if you normally do that anyway, then
Hamdulillah I remember one time in my class, I had a sister, she said
I hadn't she hadn't texted her husband in six months. anything
nice. She hadn't said anything to him for six months. Not one
compliment. Not one statement, not one.
Anything.
You know, he did the textbook saying, Who is this?
Have you got the wrong number kind of thing, you know.
And, and it's quite any. And the funny thing is, is that you'll get
sisters giggling away.
And one other sister actually said to me that, since then her
marriage has really improved, because they were living
in the same house, but two very parallel lives. It's like you just
become
you're living to just
do the mundane things in life, right?
You know, and talk about things related to the house and the kids
only.
Bill needs to be paid or someone says got a trip? Or can I have
some money for this? It's not really conversation. It's not Oh,
how was your day? It was what did you get up to today?
How are you feeling? You know, it's like, why are you asking me
how I'm feeling? You know? Like, when have you ever asked about how
I'm feeling?
So so we have to understand how we push our husbands away. Maybe we
have pushed her husband's away already. And we haven't realized
it. If you feel like you can't pick up your phone and text your
husband something nice or even go up to him and whisper something
nice in his ear. Somewhere along the line, you've pushed them away
already. But that doesn't mean that you can't bring him back. You
know, you've got to turn on that feminine, kind of. I'm not going
to say too much. I don't I don't know who listens. But
because I'm thinking that, you know, I could have my son's
listening in.
So yeah, bring it on, you know, and entice him and show him your
kindness and show him your beautiful nature because you are
beautiful. You as a Muslim woman, as a wife are amazing, beautiful,
kind, generous, loving. And let him see that because you're with
him for a reason. You know, and it might not be exactly how
you used to be, but you're there and you're together. And
hamdulillah and I pray that Allah subhanaw taala verses every single
one of us homes, and that He unites you and makes you a means
for each other to attain on hospital Diana's pleasure and a
means for each other to attain Jana and that you attain it
together and that you go with your children's and your families. In
short line that you will be from amongst those that Allah subhanaw
taala will see that word Holly Fie, Jana that you come into this
Jana come into my agenda. Come in it's with salaam insha Allah so
with that I'll end Subhan Allah Allah
Allah Allah Hey Lannister rocket Manitoba. Like anything good I've
said is from Allah subhanaw taala anything wrong is for myself and
Shavon forgive me
I wasn't I wasn't actually prepared to talk for so long.
But our neighbor
My dear You smashed it. Masha Allah to Baraka Allah, thank you,
I'm so glad that it was not a conversation and that it was just
us speaking because I think you spoke to the hearts of everyone
here
in a just with such
honesty and and rawness and I think it Inshallah, um, I'm hoping
and praying that those who are married who hear this, hear the
message, because that's what we want, isn't it for them to hear
the message. And I think your sincerity just came through. May
Allah bless you, bless your family, bless your husband, give
you many, many more years of happiness and you know, keep you
united in this life and in the next evening law.
Yeah. Do you want to take some questions? Or are you are you are
you done? You want some questions? Yeah. Good. All right. So it was
this one that came through which said how do you keep them
accountable for their mistakes, the mistakes that impact you and
the kids? How do you keep them accountable with respect she says.
Do you think it needs to be a bit more specific though that the
question she just said the mistakes that the husband
makes that impact her and the kids. She's, I mean, maybe sis get
a bit more specific.
And then there's another question any advice for someone who's
discouraged from a lot of rejection?
Rejection is hard.
Rejection is painful, you know, rejection is something which
really does impact us.
But you need to find yourself worth, not with a man.
You know, self cares. You know, when you respect others, you need
to respect yourself first, and you know who you are.
And like I was saying,
your worship of Allah,
you know, Allah subhanaw taala if you see, it's the society that we
live in, look around, you go to
any busy area, even at this time of year, you know, go to any
Tottenham Court Road, if you're in London or somewhere, it just take
a step back and look at the people going around you. And you see how
many non Muslims are, people are purposeless, you know, but alas,
finance Allah chose you chose your heart and guided it.
I think, don't let
the we need to, as women,
we need to support, you know, obviously, we need good words, and
we need to be encouraged just like men do as well.
But don't let
them be able to pick pull you and push you in a way where it's going
to affect you that you don't really know who you are anymore.
And I think that you need to take that time out to, to reflect and
be clear as well, you know, that
tell him that, you know, when you when he's in a certain way that
you don't appreciate that you don't make it. You know, I do have
that in my in, I've had that in my relationship. You know, and I've
had to find the time in the way to say I,
I don't know how you guys feel about this. But sometimes I find
if I text my husband, how I feel that he understands it better. I
don't know why. But when I speak to him, I think as soon as I start
talking, the mute button comes on, you know, so I just texted him.
And I explained to him how I'm feeling. And sometimes he'll get a
text back and it's a bit back and forth, back and forth. But
eventually we get there. And
we might need some space away.
But you shouldn't be made to feel alone. Because here's your Garmin,
you know it should be covering you and supporting you and and giving
you good words as well. So I think communicate Insha Allah, Allah
bless your marriage and keep at it in short, make dua.
Hello, you know, ask Allah, Allah as well, you know, guide his heart
towards me or help me and think about. Also when you are tested in
your relationships. Think about why Allah has presented to you
with this specific test, because your tests are specific to you to
what you can handle, but love and give you more than you have the
strength to bear. So your tests are designed specifically for you.
That's why your husband is yours. And the next woman's husband is
the next woman's husband.
I like this next woman and next man. Next, London.
Next man, now you know Subhanallah one of the things that I think
about I mean, okay, so I know that you talk to a lot of sisters and
you listen to a lot of sisters much more than me, right? And I
would love to hear your perspective on sisters and their
emotional response to things.
What's what's to be done because basically what I see is we
mashallah we are emotional beings, Allah created us that way. So we
get into our feelings, right? And we, you know, whatever we're
thinking whatever is going on in our brains, we start to feel a
certain way. And it's very difficult if a sister is is
feeling a certain way to give her advice, right?
That that doesn't validate her feelings because well, that's how
she's feeling. So if she's feeling all the things, you know,
frustrated, disappointed, lonely, all the feelings, right? How how
do you mean? Firstly, I'd love to know how you deal with it when
sisters are feeling a particular way. And especially if you can
hear that. Well. The reason you're feeling that way, sis is because
you're thinking X, Y and Zed.
How do you support them in that? How can we fortify ourselves with
regards to our own emotions just as women, how can we support each
other? I think, yeah, I think firstly, I'd validate their
feelings. You know, I think that when a sister is hurting, the
worst thing you could do is say
just get over
At month, like you can't, you can never, if you want to give anyone
advice.
I think there's two things here. One is definitely first you have
to validate the way that system and acknowledge her
feelings, acknowledge the feelings, right? That you know and
show her empathy, sympathy, empathy, however you want to see
it, show her that kind of Rama in yourself that you know, I'm
listening to you, I've got my undivided attention. You've gone
and divided attention. You've got me, you know, I'm here. She's come
to you for a certain reason. But this is the twofold thing. One is,
of course, some a lot recently was told us a dean on the right that
the religion is in sacrifice. And that a believer is a mirror to a
believer. But these are the two things one, that when we go for
advice from sisters, I find that they don't necessarily want that
advice. They want to vent. Okay, so sometimes you have to see is it
vent? Or is it advice?
Yeah, very okay. That's a good point. And I think mashallah,
sorry, I just want to button there very rudely. I think that's a
really important point for sisters and brothers. And if you remember,
I don't know whether you watch the stream yesterday, guys. But the
brothers talked about knowing when your wife just wants you to
listen, and knowing when she's looking for a solution. And that,
typically men want to give a solution. But then, you know, it
kind of goes maybe sideways, because she just would like to be
heard and would like to just feel seen and heard in that moment. And
you just let her go. I think Brother, I think was it was a
coaching idea. He was talking about that. But anyway, so even
for us, I think that makes a lot of sense to find out. Is it that
you just want to talk get this off your chest? Or are we trying to
find the solution? Sorry? Yeah, so I have a friend who kind of like
repeatedly says the same stuff over the years, you know, and I
realized that when I give her solutions, or, okay, maybe do this
or maybe do that, she gets frustrated. I've come to realize
that you're not listening to anything, I've tried to do
anything, you know, and it's literally like, a lot of
frustrations built up. And then sometimes I just, I find that with
her. I just have to agree. You know? I agree. Right? Because
that's just I mentioned, she just wants to vent, right. She just
wants to be validated, and he wants to be validated. She wants
to
write, and she's not getting it from her husband. So hey, you
know, I am a little bit kind of like, the person to kind of go to
and you will do, you will do for that. Yes.
And then that's a beautiful thing, because she's my sister. And then
you know, she's a friend. And this is how we are. I have sisters who.
Again, it varies from thing to thing. I had one sister come to me
in in one of our Holocaust. And she said, You know, I'm really fed
up have my mother in law, because she just rocks up, and I'm
expected to cook for her. And I have my own health issues, that I
don't understand why she keeps coming over. And my husband just
expects me to do this, this that. So obviously, I listened to her
for a while. And I said to her that.
But you have some
how do you think? How would you like his wife to receive you?
Just that that was enough? You know, I said, it was like, Okay,
your husband, I can understand, you know, you need to tell him
that you know, you haven't been well. And maybe you know, I'll
tell you a mother in law.
But just that statement, I remember this, because it kept
coming up in our classes, like every week. And I remember just
when I said to her, how would you? How would you like your son to
receive you once he's married? You know? And that just changed
everything. Her whole head just got turned, you know, her whole
mindset. That's what I'm talking about the mindset, Perspective
Perspective, completely switched, you know, because, yeah, every
every mother in law was a daughter in law and every thought was, you
know, going to, so it's going to
see things from the other person's perspective as well. It's so
important in in every, with everyone around us, you know, I
think we've become as though it's just all about me, myself, my
feelings myself.
And I think I said this to you as well on when I messaged you
recently about mental health that
I've heard a lot of sisters say, I'm gonna, I'm gonna just gonna
take people out that are toxic for me and my mental health. Like, I
can't deal with toxic people. I can't deal with people that aren't
and I'm thinking well, where has it ever come from? Where has it
ever come from in a sunnah? That you are just going to start
canceling out people. You know, not to say put yourself in
difficult situations but we just feel like
Oh, she's a headache. You know, she's toxic. She's you know, and
we just cancel out. We don't learn how to have people,
people relations, or you know what I think it is, I think a part of
that is that we, at the end of the day, we do not want to have the
hard conversations and we don't want the, the potential conflict,
right. I remember I used to have ladies in my program when I was
running be the hero. And that was a big issue. setting boundaries,
especially in traditional families is very tough, right? Because
especially elders and certain relations, they have expectations,
and the expectations whenever discussed, it's just like it's
understood. Now I could be speaking from a place of not
knowing anything, because I'm not from one of those cultures, right.
But I do find and I did find with my clients that they were able to
firstly understand for themselves, what a fair boundary looks like,
right? Because it's not just because Bill, Bill No, but Bill
rule. Well, he Dane, or Scylla, to Rahim, that you have to say yes to
everything, and allow everything and accept everything, especially
if it's damaging to you or your children, or whatever. So already
understanding that you have the right to have fair boundaries in
the sight of Allah, and then being courageous enough to set up that
loving fence and have the conversation now,
who wants to hear that conversation? Nobody? Yeah, no one
wants to hear that. Because everyone likes the way things are.
You're the one who's suffering, right. Yeah. But as I would say to
to, you know, to some of my friends, sort of my my clients,
some of the things that you're enduring are wrong. They actually,
like it's not allowed for people to treat you like that. Whether
she's your mother in law, your dad, your granddad, whoever, what
they're doing It's haram. Right? Yeah. So having the courage to
have the hard conversation respectfully. Yeah. And that's why
I call it a loving fence. But I may lead to difficulty when you
have that conversation, and you know, shortly thereafter, but in
the end, you are investing in having a healthier relationship
with that person. Right. And you're helping them to understand
how best to be with you in a way that makes you feel good. And for
them to find themselves in that as well. But I don't know. What do
you think? I think it's, I think that we are people who want quick
gratification and validation and the good feelings. Were not
investing. You know, when you invest right, when you they see
that the the fruit of patience is sweet, the most sweetest, right?
Oh, gosh, I was stocked up that I know. I know. That on the like a
billboard somewhere, especially when it comes to marriage. The
fruit of patience is more beautiful. Yeah, sha Allah and sis
I want to just get you know, I please hold your thought. Because
everybody who's watching if you guys think back to all the people
that you've heard over these last three days, you've got you know,
Coach, now they're married for 20 something years now uh, you know,
got married halfway through to his second wife. You have brother
Saeed and sister Maryam seven years of *, you know, and now
32 years later mashallah Tabata Kala, you had sister Neha today
who spoke about her very difficult first marriage and then it being
coming a widow. And now you know how many years in with her new
husband Khadija same thing,
Sheikh Abdullah Hatim quick 50 years married, masha Allah, but
brother, Dr. Mohamed salah, he's made 30 years or something as
well, none of them without trials. And then you've also spoken to us
very honestly and vulnerably as well right. What is the fruit of
the patience for you, sister Nyima you know for for Chef Abdullah for
you know, Sister Mary, okay, now 20 years later and in your case
3040 years later when insha Allah your children are coming over with
their children to nanny and granddad. Those are the fruits.
The fruits are one for everyone. Sorry, I'll be playing football
with them and teaching them cycling can show right before two
things right? Two things have been key for me, right? It's that
ability here acid that repel the wrong with something better. Has
to be key. That if you are the one that wants to seek the agenda, the
palace agenda, say I'm sorry, drop the arrogance. Drop the pride.
Right? And be the seeker of good you have to be gender focused.
will lie if that Auntie is so irritating, but you just go and
ask her to connect here's a cup of tea for you. Pay you're gonna
suffer and hos arm her right
away was straight away as much as you can t like you know, that's
the key ingredients. You know when they say cook, cook with love,
make tea would love show your love, you know, in simple
Things don't harbor feelings. You know, like, I think these things
are the ones that fester. Did you see the way she was looking at me?
Did you see the way that like your festering negativity you're
getting into those was was that I was thinking about the algae that
the cultural things, but when they see that you've come in there and
you have shown a HELOC and I'd love
it the thing which is going to be the most weightiest on the Day of
Judgment.
Good o'clock. Soprano monarch is what o'clock is when the lady was
throwing rubbish in the path of the process, celebrate her from
the inlaws move from the cultural system, which whoever is giving us
people is putting forth in our in our past, please tell me who, you
know, and then when they're sick, will be saying Hamdulillah that
Oh, God got sick man. Wow, you know, the prophecy I'll send him
he has a Hamiltonian ahead of me. He came as a mercy. Where's the
mercy and us? Yeah, you know, where's that? You know, we need to
jump on the fire. That's enough. You know what, since you said
citizen today, something and I'm so glad you said it, because it's
something that we are sisters don't say to each other enough.
And that was for sisters to humble themselves. Now, is advised to be
humble only for sisters. Of course not. The believer is humble.
Right? And he walks in, He treads the earth lightly. That's men and
women. Right. But the reason I'm glad you said that with regards to
sisters, is that because this conditioning from society nowadays
has got women really like, what's the word I'm looking for? It's the
arrogance, right? masquerading as confidence, arrogance,
entitlement, that you can't run put together like that. No, like
don't mess with me not
with under the guise of you know, like exactly what I wanted you to
do. But under the guise of and this is important, because now
when I hear Muslim women talking about self love, and self
acceptance, et cetera, i i almost wince because I'm like, there is a
balance to be struck. It's not all about the self, guys. It's not the
self is the knifes Okay, the knifes is a test. So, yes, being
grateful for how Allah subhanaw taala has created you appreciating
the name of Allah upon you, that's our self love, not the self love
that I accept myself exactly as I am. And I am enough. And you know,
I am you know, all of that stuff. This new age, this new age, pop
psychology, personal development stuff. This I think is what is
potentially leading to sisters not even being able to hear anything
about, you know, be grateful, hmm, be grateful. And the thing is
says, Sorry, I'm gonna get mad. Now. The thing is, you dare say to
sisters, be grateful to your husbands. It's like you're the
biggest misogynist, you know, what about him? Shouldn't husbands be
grateful to their wives for all the stuff we do for them
immediately. That's where the conversation goes. But these are
people who will sign up for gratitude courses, by gratitude
journals have a gratitude post on their Instagram and they love it
and everything. It's like it's, you know, the math a math in. So
it's okay for you to be grateful for your kids and your friends.
And you're this and you're that, but to be grateful for your
husband or your husband does. Oh, you're a doormat all of a sudden,
what's happening? Yeah, we want to be grateful for the things that
make us happy. That will make us feel like the butterfly and
gratifying. scuze me but wait a second. Does your husband really
not make you happy? Yeah. Do you get no joy from him? No pleasure,
no satisfaction, no love? No, no warmth, no affection? Seriously.
It's not maybe Instagram really? You know, you know, it's not Wow,
good. I thought a sister on the net, you know, on the gram and her
husband was doing x y Zed. So therefore, the comparison it must
be what I was saying. I was saying that. Just take your home. Like I
said earlier, your husband Look at him. And this is another thing
that I do actually, was the relationships that are around me.
I think of life if Allah was to take them away, what would be my
regrets? What would be the thing that I would want to see that I
couldn't see? What was the thing that I want to do and I wasn't
able to do you know, and obviously, I can't even say these
things to you because you've tasted from that already. Lawyer
hammer.
The second thing I was going to say is, you know, obviously I said
in fact military Yes. And that repel the the bad with the good,
but it's hilarious. Our son in law
Yeah, Sandra is not the reward for good other than good. So be a
secret of good. You know, like I said, think about your gender, you
know, think about your asset. I really, I think we just get bogged
down by very finicky. And I don't want to belittle sisters emotions,
I don't want to belittle people's.
I want to validate you, I want to validate the way you're feeling.
But I just want you to think wider. Now, let me give you an
example, if I may, right.
I mentioned that yesterday, we had a shahada, right.
And it was a really beautiful thing, because she said very
clearly, which kids in the class I want to become. I want to take my
Shahada on the 24th of January, right. She said she had the day
set. We said, okay, she said, I said, Are you convinced? She said,
Yeah, I'm absolutely convinced about Islam. But the thing is, is
that the guy that she's seeing, he's not ready for her to become
Muslim. Because, obviously, yeah, because he's, you know, when you
come into the dating scene, and then the sister ended up learning
more about Islam, and she's on that when I was reading all this
again, about you, I'm on this, you know, and he was like, well,
you're going too fast. So 24th of Jan is her mom's birthday. So she
thought that's a good time to take shahada, you know,
you know, just to give it that kind of celebratory kind of thing.
But I said to her, like, I spoke to another system Christmas,
because we did an event for the sisters on the 25th. And she said,
I'm not ready, I need more answers. So fair enough. We can't
push people to take Shahada. It has to be in their time. What I
said to her is, we can never answer this. I said to yesterday,
I said you're whenever you're ready, but I have to say this to
you. Let's just take everyone around. It's about Islam is about
you, and your relationship with Allah. It's you and your Lord.
It's not going to Jesus and Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam or an
Imam, or it's your direct heart and your worship acknowledging
your Creator and submitting to him. Now, if you don't make it to
the 24th, and Allah has opened up your heart to guidance, but you
are trying to please the people before pleasing Allah, this is may
not be a good thing. So I said to her, it's entirely up to you. But
who's going in your grief? She said me? Anyone was, you know,
your date? Yeah, they can be asked who's your Lord? Can you say hola?
She said, Sister, I'm ready to take my Shahada. She was because
she said she wanted to pick it November actually. So she just
wanted to do it to please the people. And so when you're
investing, like for me, this is for me, working with the reboots.
has really and the new Muslims and non Muslims. It shows me Islam in
its authentic state. Again, you know, when you're in the Tao for
20, odd years, it becomes Islam becomes monotonous for us. Just
dealing with the one that we don't think about our sins are being
washed away. We don't think about the the significance of iboga they
just become mundane deeds for us. We're not invested in the
intention. Yeah, yeah. Right. So we have to be careful, like, I
think mindful. So the rivets always tend to remind me of the
beauty of guidance. And the Amana that is, and that we could be an
arm's length away from our agenda. And Allah can change the condition
of our hearts. So when we have these, these issues,
they can become diseases in our hearts as well. The heart heart,
you know, and so the soft heart is the one that is giving it's
forgiving is the one that overlooks mistakes. It's the one
that which is inclined towards a hospital Thailand is remembered.
And we ask Allah subhanaw taala to make a hot, soft, because as women
as well, we've become quite hard hearted. The resemblance that we
have, they harden our hearts. This is one of the things that I that I
used to say. And I think again, I think we all could benefit from
this. But you know, this is really aimed at Sisters is learning the
art of letting go.
Like you said, forgiving, right? I'd rather forgive you. That's my
brother, Muhammad. Oh, bless you, Brother forgive, but no, for real,
like letting things go from your heart. Right? Because, like you
said, the majority of things probably go unsaid, right, but
they're not let go. They're not forgiving, they're held on to and
even when a person says sorry, even when the person does
something nice, you know, after that, we tend to hold on to it. I
have like a directory. I had a directory I had an encyclopedia on
sticks in my head, some panela it was like Zakir Naik, but mistake
version, you know, instead of chapter two verse number, whatever
it was, it was like on the top of the like, you know, when we were
at someone's house, please.
I could I knew where the blemishes were where the hiccups
like you know, you say you get your like this. I would be able to
Yeah,
It was awkward like it in a bad way.
Yeah, this is, this is why it's interesting to me. And, you know,
since we started having these conversations just over a year
ago, you know, I think when you're in sister spaces all the time, and
you only ever listen to Sisters, we get this impression that
sisters are always victims and can never be wrong, really. They're
always the ones who are trying more doing more. They're there,
they're better in Dean, they are, you know, more practicing more
committed more all of the things, right. And there is this cultural
perception in the West that the brothers are wasteman basically.
Now, it's very much a cultural perception, I think, because,
firstly, the things that you said about how you treat your husband,
we know that those are the things that hurt and can break a man.
Yeah, it's not flinging pots and pans. I don't care about flinging
pots and pans, you know, it's not like arming them up. But it's the
words and I believe there's a hadith about this isn't their
friend if I, I can't remember it now. But it's those words, it's
you cutting him down with your tongue. It's you bringing up the
past, it's you comparing him, it's those things that attack him, his
ego, his manhood is whatever the case may be his sense of self, I
think the key thing is that he's not good enough. making him feel
like he is not good enough. He's not worried. When you do that to a
man, you've just kind of, you know, when someone kind of pushes
you on the back of the leg and your leg just kind of just drops
down. Yeah, that's, that's, that's a fly kick. Right that, you know,
and sisters will never say that they do things like that, you
know, like, who does stuff like that? I couldn't tell you. Which
of my friends tend to do that. That type of thing. Okay, wait,
hold on a second. Because this is this is the point that I'd like to
develop. So the language, the tone, the the attitude in those
moments, things like, you know, just being disrespectful, ignoring
withholding *, like you mentioned, right? We will have no
idea if any of our sisters do things like that. Who wouldn't? I
couldn't tell you, right? I don't know. I'm not in those moments.
But those those actions are all seen in the dean, and in the sight
of this husband, right? Those are the things that she can do to
break him and to break his heart and to destroy the love between
them, really. But we never talk about those things. Because
sisters can talk about well, he's never with us. And he's never with
the kids. And you know, like he didn't even do this this month.
And we've been struggling financially. You understand what I
mean? Am I making sense? Yeah, absolutely. But I also think that,
you know, I have to say that what I have today, I didn't get today.
It's taken time.
Right. And I think that that's what I keep saying is that it's an
investment.
How we behave? I don't know. I mean, we all have witnesses used
to see me and my so called psycho mood. You know, I think the point
I'm making is that women are women are not innocent. The wives are
not innocent guys, let's stop this idea of thinking that only the
brothers get stuff wrong. And us as wives were like, 100%, because
I don't believe that it's true. It's just that the stuff we do as
wives, we don't talk about it. Brothers very often very rarely
talk about their wives, right. And they certainly don't sit around
complaining suddenly, on social media, they haven't started doing
that yet. So that's a good thing. So we've got no idea. But when you
do peel back the layers and you do listen to two men talking, you'll
hear that, oh, this type of thing is actually very common. You know,
this, this type of kind of undermining, like you said,
disrespecting and stuff. It's not like the man who came to our
Motherland Hall. Right? Yeah. And he could hear like, you know, he
was he was gonna come to see like, you know, he's, his wife's giving
him an airbrushing and a bit of a hard time not to, I'm not
validating you're justifying it. We can't ever justify and validate
your behavior or bad, right? But she was letting off steam and he's
gone. Then sticking on what I did on home, getting a guy give him a
stick into Yeah, but he's getting it. He's getting bad. Yeah. And
here I am. And he notices and he asked the man like, you know, did
you come for something? And then he said, when he said you had
something, she turned to my kids, and then she turned to my house,
and then, you know, she wants to let off steam. So everyone has
their own home dynamics as well. They do have their own dynamics.
But again, sorry, just to counterbalance that, because I
think that from what we learned from the Sierra is so balanced,
because as Amara the Allahu Anhu said, it's no big deal for him.
Obviously, he was like, Yeah, go on, go on. Yeah, get it out of
you. He was fine. But if you remember when Prophet Ibrahim
alayhi salam went to the son of his his son's house, and he saw
the way that his wife was behaving, he said to him
immediately change the threshold of your house. So he didn't
say to him Oh, yeah, it's okay. Like leave us just being a woman.
So it's again, that balance is the balance. But that's what I'm
saying that every home is different. Your husband is your
husband. Yes. Right. So the way that you guys will interact, and
you have an understanding, you have a communication, your banter,
your jokes, or whatever, you're disagreeing what you tolerate from
each other as well. Luckily, the threshold is different as well.
This is why they say, Don't compare children, right? And
parenting styles because you have to go do it according to your
child, according to their temperament according to their
nature. So we know this as mothers. But yeah, we don't know
this as wives.
We've got some good comments here from the VIPs. Michelle, which I'd
like to share, something I have seen in many marriages is that
women look down on their husband and their husband's family, we
should be careful about this as it comes from a place of arrogance.
Another common problem is, and we're talking about things that
push them away here. Another common problem is treating the
husband like a child, telling him everything he does is wrong, that
he should do it like this, or that we have a problem accepting that
men can have their own way and perspective of doing something
that is not like ours, and that there's nothing wrong with that.
I've gone to that many times where it was like, it has to be my way
it has to be done like this. It has to, you know, the children
needs to be looked after like this. Even when I would, I
remember one time I was doing a gym instructor course it was like,
I had just two kids at that time and whatever, leaving the kids but
it was like, you know, it was like, when I leave the kids, it
was like, I'd have to leave them with a set of instructions,
according to how I presented them, but he's the father. So why did he
you know, he has to find his his parenting with them is it
shouldn't mimic mine. He's a dad, he's not a mom, you know? I mean,
I'm not gonna say like, okay, he forgot to feed them, you know, I'm
not talking about crucial things, you know, it's have trust in them,
and let them develop because they, they didn't shoot it and come with
a guide. You know, you had to figure a lot of things out
yourself as a mother, you know, what works? And oh, how do I book
them? Is it wind? Is it this is it that, you know, we had to do a lot
figuring out, leave them give them the confidence to, and I think
that a lot of women are so controlling, so controlling, we
don't have faith in our men, and in their abilities and
capabilities.
If Allah had not seen capabilities in us to give gusta a manner of
raising a child as mothers, then what makes you think that
it takes two to tango, right? Your father and a mother just doesn't
mean that you have all the parental superpowers and he
doesn't.
100% So it says that I have realized that I am controlling.
That's another thing too.
That's another thing too. And again, you know, this is not a
place to bash anybody. We all make mistakes. And I would say, you
know, for the record, we are not sure whether you guys have been
following on social media, there's been like a clip that's gone viral
and gone completely out of control, in which I was talking
about
how in the deen the woman is supposed to please her husband,
right that Allah, Allah, Allah subhanaw taala. And the prophets I
send them have emphasized the woman pleasing her husband and
making an easy way for her to get into gender, like boom, boom, like
this. But what I would say is
for for myself, I don't think that I was ever I wasn't brought up
like that. So my mom didn't really go out of her way for my dad, I
didn't, I never saw that. She would, he would be working late.
And she would dish up his food, and she would leave it in the
warmer. And then when he came home, she would tell one of us
kids to take it out for him and put it on the table and he would
eat and that was that wasn't normal. No, my dad's a feminist
anyway, so he wouldn't have expected more.
So coming into the dean, of course, I understood the husband's
role and his place. And I think I did justice to that. But I did
miss so many opportunities
to be a better wife to him.
And I only can see that now. Now that I have kind of you know, I
don't know what the word is like, the more linkers that I had
wisdom, but also because now I see the programming, right? I see the
impact of the programming and even though it wasn't fully taking over
my my situation. I think that reason that was was because, you
know, my late husband was the earner he was, you know, very much
a man's man. And, you know, I was I was submissive in the
relationship because it was fantastic to be submissive, right?
I don't know how it would have been if, for example, we had
struggled financially or this and that and that I may have become
more masculine on my, like leaned into my masculine or I don't know
anyway, that's not the point. The point is
because I wasn't raised with that example and be
because it wasn't at the forefront of my mind. And because once I had
the kids, they became my focus. And I look back now, and I've said
it to my kids, there were opportunities that I had to be a
better wife to him to look after him to a higher standard, to care
for him to cater to him more, which I didn't see. And that's
why, you know, when I speak to sisters now, and I always
emphasize if you've got a decent man like love on him, you know,
love on him, because you get reward for that. And it makes him
love to do the things that he's already doing for you. You know,
it makes him feel good. Why don't we want our husbands to feel good?
When I see the sisters getting triggered by a very simple thing
that you and I, we both know, we used to get bashed over the head
with this back in the day, right with the hood was on the books and
everything like you knew what you're supposed to do. And now, I
see all these sisters triggered in the comments. And I'm like, so you
don't want to please your man.
Interesting. You don't want him to be happy. You don't want to make
his happiness your priority. I think that is the it. But the
thing is you have to kind of like feel the pain, though. You have to
detach yourself from that, because it's easier said, but when you're
hurting? How, like when you're unmarried sisters, the sisters
married. They're like, young, they're young sisters. They're
not.
Yeah, because that's the narrative now, isn't it? It's, it's this
ego, kind of, you know, it's me my thing. I'm the boss girl kind of
thing. And it's really quite unattractive. But
I don't know, you know, a lot, you know, guide them and make them see
sense that one day they will, you know, because you're gonna have
to,
I think you see, for me, I noticed something very early on. And that
was that. I used to look at the older generation. And I'd see,
obviously, I mean, my husband's been bullied. Right. So that was
a, although I'm Pakistani, I found that, you know, I didn't have a
cultural upbringing. And we didn't have Anyways, my real it culture
coming into Bengali culture. I learned a lot from them. But one
thing I did see is that, and it's a strong culture. It's a beautiful
culture. But it's a strong culture handed and I noticed that the
Auntie's the older Auntie's, they, their husbands were so soft, you
know, like, around them, like grandparents type, right? He's,
he's, and but the women, you could see they've had a hard life. But
you can see that, and I had a friend actually, who, whose
husband whose dad passed away recently, a lot of grants from
gender, but he was saying to his wife,
I am so pleased with you, on his
wife, so pleased with you. And she married him, he had a previous
marriage. And, you know, there was a big age gap between them. And he
was like that from any Bengali. So, you know, it's quite standard
of that generation, you know, 20 years difference, whatever. But
she was there on.
And she was literally, he's like, Ms. 18. So, you know, and he was
holding her hand, and he was saying to her that I'm so pleased
with you. And, you know, isn't that what we want not to say that
there isn't a little bit of patience and graft that needs to
go into our marriages and biting off the tongue investment and
investing? Look, it's nurturing that seed, you know, we planted in
good soil, we take care of it, the winds might come, the rain might
come, you know, the harsh weathers might come, but you're there
tending to it, and if it manages to push through and become a
strong stock, right, and it becomes stronger and stronger. And
then the fruits of it, sometimes you can have, you know, a
beautiful tree, and its fruit is quite bitter and sour. And that's
not what we want, you know, that all our efforts, go to vain, you
know, produce something not so good for us, you know, so just,
it's, again, again, and I like to I like to point this out because
it makes people think it's that we invest in so many other things. We
cater to so many other people, we obey other people, right? Straight
up. Your boss tells you take your lunch break now. Yeah, take it.
Yes. I was just talking about this yesterday. So true. The traffic
warden tells you you can't park here, you're like, okay, so thank
you. You know, if the guy tells you show your ID you show it to
me. And not only that, not even just like, you know, random
authority figures out in society. If your child says Mom, can I have
a sandwich? You say yeah, surely, if you can, he was like, Yeah,
sure you go make the sandwich. What's the big deal? My husband
says, May I have a cup of tea? And you're like, can't you make it
yourself? Like yeah,
yeah, I mean, when asked you your dad asks you, you know, maybe not
your sister. Maybe you're telling me talking about cooking.
But But my point is that you brought that up I'm so glad you
that up.
look this up Subhanallah because it's the heart, you know, and it's
that focus, you know, subhanAllah that he is your Jana. More than,
than your parents. Right? Wow, that's deep. That's the more than
your father more than your kids need. You're done and that that's
hard. And you know what is that she's done. He's going to tell
you. You got two legs, bro. The kills there. And you know what
makes it worse? Is what I'm seeing on the Muslim couple. Yes, sir.
Speak on that. It's so irritating cringe. It's cringe. So annoying.
I saw one the other day and the brothers like,
trying to like give like a football something about Yeah, the
woman she needs to obey the husband and then and then. And
then she comes from behind like a stern face. And then. And then he
says, oh, that's what something is saying that, you know, as though
he was talking to someone else. And he's standing there with a
mop. It's like
so annoying. I mean, I'm not saying that the men can't cook and
clean. You know, you know, my situation in my house? Can they
lie? Like, you know, we're in it. I have to tell you something,
though, right? You know, if I when I go to a gathering, and I've
watched a gathering not so long ago, and the dude makes a curry
than I do not right. So it happens guys I want especially Bengali
brothers, because a lot of them be chefs. brab so they know how to
throw down alone by the guys who did it right. And just as notice
now, right? And it's embarrassing. Anyways, I mean, he does it
hamdulillah and I've not really been I didn't grow up with that
kind of food. So anyways,
what your house for me this food. But they don't know, the only
reason why my husband actually started cooking. As you hamdullah
when he was living in Egypt, he learned to cook them because he
saw that his brothers that are you know, not eating well, takeaways,
even though they're studying Arabic and Quran. They didn't
clean themselves. That was he said that this brother was studying to
be happy. But he mean oil a mess. He would leave the kitchen a mess.
They didn't know how to look after themselves. That's a separate
thing. So what he came home back from Egypt, and he asked his mom
to teach him to cook and he went back, but that's fine. But when I
got married, I didn't know how to cook. And he taught me right.
Because
that will allow
us to make the rice Yeah. But he I still we used to do the cooking
and the cleaning because he was busy studying. Remember I told you
about his studying journey. Right? And, and I'm having kids and
health issues at the same time. But um, and it's only when I
became bed bound, and I had an infection that went spreading
around my body, that there's only so much PFC or takeaway or
whatever I quick meals. So he would come and start, he'd say,
after work, he would cook. But why would he do that after work, come
home, and he'd cook for the next two days.
It's also so that he could go to the gym and have a workout and
just get away from us, you know, his headspace, but at least he's
kind of contributed, you know? Yeah. But it takes time and effort
and arguments and, you know, conflict, you know, I can't do it.
You know, I've done it, but I can't know. And that's the flip
side is that when you're at a gathering and a system, I see
something, but I've been married 20 years, my husband, I kind of
kept a friend egg, you get the comments. And it's really like,
you know, and everyone's living in that time when I don't like these
platforms, because everyone talks about ain and this and that. But I
say to sisters, why are you fearing ain everyone invest in
your scar and purifying your hearts? Because that's what Allah
is going to look at? Is there a look at our deeds? We're going to
go to Allah subhanaw taala. And all we're going to say to him,
even the people in Jannah are going to ask him but Allah
subhanaw taala that they had wished they had done more. They
wish they had done more. It's like, we're not greedy for the
reward. You know, it's not greedy for the reward
of the consequences. And short, yeah, and the ticket, man, why are
we fearful of them? Because there's retribution. There's
consequences, right? The consequence is that if I go back
to my boss, where I'm gonna be out my job, there's consequences. If I
say to the ticket, man, no, I'm not showing you my license. Give
it to me. I've got it. I've got it. We wouldn't need to church. We
don't respect the authority.
And we are fearful of the consequences to things. We don't
respect our husbands authority. And we are not fearful of the
consequence. You dare say that a husband has authority. You dare
you, dad. We're partners remember? 5050? We? Hello.
That one. So again, with the Tropea with the Raven sisters, and
I had this conversation, bless them last week with two young
sisters that are taking Shahada. And I said to them, they're
looking to get married, right. hamdulillah and I said to them,
were you looking for and then you know, married life and this and
that. And they said, Yeah, I want to be able to, you know, what,
what, what's life was it to be able
to work, right, then we've got young sisters right now early 20s
and stuff, right? So obviously they've, they've come with that.
So I said to them, okay, working is good, but then what? Like
you're working, but where's your money going? Right? Yeah. So she
said Islamically isn't my money mine? Yeah. But then
who's managing the house? Who's gonna cook? Right? So it's giving
them food for thought, Okay, I don't mind paying towards the
bills. I don't mind going 5050 Okay, that's fine. But then when
you have a child, and you're okay, you're or you're not going to be
working or whatever it might be.
So you're going to have a child, you're gonna have maternity leave,
and then they expect you to go to work straightaway. So who's
raising that child now? Okay. Okay, system, right, a childcare
system. And the man has become a constant a lot of money, by the
way. But also, the man has become dependent on this 5050 Because
he's now I'm just giving them an example, like a future thing.
Right? That hang on a minute, you're pregnant. Okay, you're
getting maternity leave or pay or whatever. But I need you to go
back to work. Because the rent is XYZ.
thing, right? They got an apartment based on their income.
dual income. Yeah, dual income, right? Yeah. But it's not future.
So I was trying to get them to see. Now we have to keep this
house not to know that house was good for maybe when you had that
joint income. You just stay at home? Gonna income and downsize
your house, man. You know, interesting. How Isn't it
interesting how your perspective shifts your opinion, right?
Because yeah, before marriage, so many women talk about being able
to work being allowed to work, right. But when you speak to women
who have on the other side of that, they are wanting to
basically have the option, right? Because now the conversation is
Oh, I was made to go out to work, because now that I want to, so
when they wanted to when they thought that it was a source of
kind of freedom and extra income, and it's all good. Now, it's like
you're fighting for the right to go out to work. But then if you
have children, and the reality is that many of us Inshallah, if
we're blessed, we will have children, many women do desire to
stay at home with the child for as long as they can, you know,
obviously, it varies. But now you're almost fighting for the
right to not go out to work because the expectation has been
set. So be careful with that. I think that's
what's happened. The institution of the family. Yeah, the
threshold, you know, this is the foundation of society is
compromised already that babies being raised or maybe even a year,
year and a half people take paternity leave?
Well, not all jobs give you maternity leave as well. Okay? Not
all jobs, leave and all that kind of thing to things, okay. But that
means that you're having to provide, but that's not your role.
Your role is to nurture and your role in the home and the child.
But because you set yourself up to with this whole 50 feet and all we
want that lifestyle, we want the holidays, and we want the ground,
man, it's not about showing
the Jones across the road.
Or that? Yeah, I know what I would say, You know what I would say I
I, as you know, I'm in shallow planning to take a break from
social media. We're very excited about it, it's needed. And I think
that everyone should, should schedule in a break from social
media. At a certain point, whether it's once a year, whether it's
once a month, whether it's one month of the year, whether it's
you know, as soon as you get married, or just before you get
married, or when you just had a baby at those points when you're
vulnerable, and you need to be present, right? Were being present
and aware, and intentional is going to really matter. Come off
social media, come off social media, guys, my fish a fair fee.
There is no benefit at all. Especially No, I'm sorry, there's
no benefit, right? Unless you're using it to work and you have to
write which is something else. But just to be there to see what other
people are doing to see what's going on to you know, give likes
and shares or just post stuff when you're needed in your real life.
Come off social media, give yourself even the likes and
shares. Do they really are they game shifters? Are they mind
shifters like they weren't certain it's a dopamine hits to dopamine.
That's all that and the thing is is that they are defining to us
who we should be and what we should be and we need to detox
ourselves from it. If you think someone is toxic, that stuff is
toxic. You know the Netflix binge watching is toxic, you know, and
you see it the the tie
him the time will also play Oh says, Please, please, please.
Again and again and again. And this is what our conversations
have become. Have you watched this series? Have you watched that
series? You know, and everyone's either, and I don't want gonna say
that I don't watch. No, I'm not gonna say I don't. We're not.
We're not gonna be saying, but it's like, if it's what's giving
our heart that that time, you know, and when you when you have
that connection with Quran, do we have a connection? You know, I'm
just recently I've got on this group, it's beautiful, just fly by
air today. And our thinking, you know, it's polite, it's just nice
that you have those kind of reflections, you take that time
out, you instill that little bit of tarbiyah and self
accountability. There's a lack of taking that Maha Sabha over
ourselves, and thinking, Where was I? Where am I now? Where am I
going? Yeah, and everyone has that. But we don't have that. We
have it for others, we have it for our children with their their
grades, their hips, their Quran, and I do have an issue with the
madrasa system generally, because I don't I feel like if it's been
around for 30 years, what's been pumping out? You know, there's a
lack of
being in tune with what society is pushing out, you know, and this is
why I'm Governor to schools, non Muslim schools, and I work with
education, in Tower Hamlets for it is because I need to sit on these
boards and
not only be a Muslim representative, but to wish to see
what's going on. And to see how to deal with that as a Muslim. Yeah.
You're away from it. You know, because we're producing children
who are not confident in being able to see it's a lot of time I
have to pray. You know, my lords, call me to pray. I just need five
minutes. That's it. I'm going is it alright, is that cool? Yeah.
You know, I just need to slot it in. We're like, meek, we're doing
five Salah at the end of the day. You know how Allah has said that.
The Salah is established that fixed times we should be able to
have this. We're hearing that in the West. And these are basic
things, basic things, where we're not confident with our hijab,
we're not confident with our Islam. We're not confident in
giving Dawa. If someone was to even ask us, you know, how do I
become a Muslim? Can we answer these questions? If someone wants
to tell me, Can you guide me to what I need to know, the sister
who took shahada? Yesterday, she was told that you have to learn to
start covering up first before you pray, because you need to look
like a Muslim to be a Muslim.
Who told her that a born Muslim? Oh, so
what I'm seeing is that even our children, are they equipped? We
are here if people say that, okay, you know, we're in a non Muslim
country, we have become too comfortable as well. We do have an
obligation to give Dawa and to show kindness and show goodness
and to engage in a productive, productive way with people which
is why I'm a cycling instructor and I work with non Muslims.
Because I'm giving to my community, but I'm able to
instruct and be with people and to, you know, get people into
fitness. Mentally, it's helping people to say sorry, I want to
make this point says I think it's really important because what I'm
seeing a lot of is like, we have a loose community of women who are
very active, right? You We all know the same people. We're all
more or less the same age. We're Gen X, late millennials. We've had
our kids most of us Yeah, most of us are not going to have children.
A lot of our children some of them are grown right or about to like
grow my I have two kids gone. Yeah. So So okay, what's the point
I'm making? This this many of the sisters who you and I know who are
active. We only became active fairly recently in the public in
the public space, not you per se because you are in doubt even from
before you got married, right? But what I'm saying this is the point
I'm making younger sisters see us and they see this chapter of our
lives as a blueprint that a Muslim woman can have it all right. And I
don't want people looking at me and say sister name and did it.
No, I got married just before graduating from university at 22
No, I was less than 2200 a lot of Bella mean Allah sent me my
husband I did not waste any time I got married Alhamdulillah Allah
blessed me with my first child afterwards. I had spent the next
10 years having babies. I did my writing on the side. Sisters
magazine was done on the side and sisters magazine was done from
Egypt. A lot of people don't know that. We had made Hedra we had
left the country. You know I was a full time mum more or less than
than I was doing sisters on the side and you know, eventually my
husband
rather than helping his company took over certain aspects of the
business, right? People think that our chapter 10
is possible in their chapter two, chapter three. And if you do that,
what you end up doing is basically what society is telling you.
You're aiming to be a name, or ISA, a name a B. Robert, and
earlier on Rayyan, you know, Liam Cassani, or whoever who else you
see out there, you're in, you're now 1920 2122. You want to be that
at that age, but we did. The marriage, we had our babies, many
of us were able to dedicate ourselves exclusively to being
mums and homeschooling and doing all of that stuff. Now we're in
our, you know, early 40s, mid 40s, going into late 40s. Our children
are big and they're grown. Yeah. And so firstly, don't compare our
chapter 10 to your chapter two or three, right? Don't think that
you're following footsteps by deciding that, okay, I'm gonna go
and do what she's doing now. I'm gonna delay marriage, or, you
know, I'm gonna I want to make sure that I can work while I'm
married, so that I can do what that sister's doing that sister's
doing. Lots of the sisters that you see out there now, guys, they
had their children already. They got married before they came on
Instagram, okay, they got married, and they had children before they
started their business. So don't get fooled by that. But also know
that because of this example, you can see that it's not necessary
for you to have to choose just because you say, and again, people
may argue with me in the comments. But obviously, it'd be
hypocritical for me to say, be a housewife and never do anything
else. I don't know many women who are housewives and do nothing
else, especially as their kids get older. hamdulillah that's when
mashallah you've raised your kids, you've invested in them, maybe
they've gone to school or whatever. That's when you see
sisters now starting like a cooking business, or they go back
to start studying again. Yeah, well, they start practicing in the
field that they trained in, or they start doing our work, like,
you know, in your case, mashallah they start writing books, they
start a business don't train as a coach. No. And I think the thing
is, is that says Get to the chapter 10, as well, there's been,
there's been a lot of edit editing that's going on, right. And
there's a lot, there's a lot of learning over the times, you know,
and the mistakes. And also, I think, like for me, you know, my
dollar has kind of increased in sense where I'm at the masjid now,
but I've always been a part of the Halacha, the last, you know,
10 1215 years, whatever years, you know, we had it running. I
remember breastfeeding underneath my hijab while I'm delivering the
classes. So but for me, I always wanted to come down to grassroot
licit levels. But having said that, it did come at a cost
because it does affect the house. You know, just like when you have
you know, when it's very difficult, one of the reasons why
I think I consciously came back into our, I think, is when I
remember,
and this is key as well, our children, we are modeling for
them. And I remember my son when he must have been about 10. And
the brother had asked him who is going to this this class is it was
beautiful.
And, you know, like a bit of like a Islamic kind of center they'd go
to, and they would give them skills, they're all teachers, but
they would give them skills in speaking and just building their
Slamet personality. And one, one of the brothers, he asked my son,
about 10, at the time that you know, that he asked all the
children mentioned,
characteristics of your parents that you'd like that you'd like to
have. Right? And you know, what my son had said, I don't know if he
actually remembers this. But the brother mentioned, message me
afterwards. And he said, Your son said that he likes the fact that
you're in dower and that people are becoming Muslim with you. Like
I had sisters that used to take shahada and he said that I really
liked that about my mom. And
then and then when I started giving the classes at East London,
the younger sister because when I said to the sister, they've got a
Christian and Hamdulillah that they so that was a condition as
well because my husband's like Sunday's was my cycling day. So
I'm away from the house and Saturday was so we've got like
something going well we call me time.
And I said Saturday though, I couldn't his his day out. So I
used to say to sit back and she said you can bring the children to
the masjid. And I remember my daughter who's actually 10 herself
now she'll say, Why does everyone give Salam to you? Why does
everyone know you? Why does what are you doing? How come you're
delivering the classes and I realized this ya know me my
younger children
as someone involved in our because they just never saw it. Yeah, they
just the Overlord did because they used to come along with me. So as
a younger lot because I'd kind of stayed away for a while and they
were with me as babies you know, before they went school and
stuff, but they've never seen me. And anytime I go to an event to
give a talk, I'd always leave them at home.
So I didn't have them. So that kind of modeling aspects is quite
important as well for for us and our relationships and for us in
our interactions. And I don't know how we've ended up on on this. No,
the point I wanted to make. The point I wanted to make is sisters.
Prioritize your deen first and foremost, especially young
sisters, your dean first and foremost, and don't get caught up
in the source. Don't invest so much in the let's call it what it
is. secular education and the secular world of work and
corporate don't invest everything that up all your eggs in one
basket, basically. Because what that's what's happening? Yeah. If
you want to get married, and you want to have a family, understand
the reality, which is that you should start preparing for that
just like you prepare to be a student or whatever it is, right?
Yeah, prepare for that now. learn, grow. Invest in yourself as a
future wife as a future mother mom's help your daughters, okay.
And your sons, brothers, fathers help your daughters and this and
your sons to get married. Right? Do give yourself permission to
just be there for your family. Because that investment I'm sorry,
I was saying this to the sister yesterday said that investment
that you make 510 years invested in family versus 510 years
invested in corporate, the dividends are not the same year.
They're incomparable, right. I know that if I hadn't been Muslim.
In my head. I was thinking I'll get married at 2730. My mom got
married at 27. My mom told me, you wait, I don't want to hear about
you getting married until after you're 27. That was what my mom
said to me. So when we came, and I'm like a 2122 year old, she was
appalled. She was like, What do you think you're doing? Right?
Yeah. So my advice to young women today is don't drink the Kool Aid.
Yeah, protect yourself, secure your future in sha Allah, start
investing in your real legacy now, because that degree, that job,
that is not your true legacy, very few of us are doing the kind of
work that is going to make a global impact. That's the truth of
it. As truth of it. Not everyone is going to you know,
find the cure to this or you know, establish this this like
multimillion pound business, most people are not going to do that.
Right. So I was saying to some young girls who were talking to me
about this, I said, Look, if you spend the next 510 years of your
life, your martial law 24 Now, you spend the next 10 years of your
life doing the things you're doing now. having brunch, having coffee,
chilling with your friends, working, making money traveling
the world, you probably have a great time about it. 10 years of
having fun, great. But at the end of those 10 years, you're 34 Yeah,
what have you got to show for yourself except a whole load of
memories, right? But if you are smart, and you open yourself up to
conversations about marriage now start preparing mentally get the
skills, you find somebody Masha, Allah who you can build with, and
you invest the next 10 years of your life in your family, look at
what you have at 34 Maybe by then you finished having your kids,
right. You have a husband, you have children, you have a home
Insha Allah, you have given those children the start that they need,
you have invested in your area. And that's what I'm hired was
talking about yesterday. Very powerful talk she did on you know,
being a wife, and it being a traditional wife. So like a full
time mother she was talking about and she was talking about the
diarrhea. And actually, as a result of her talk, last night, I
was just journaling. And I was thinking okay, so you know, what's
my word for going into next year, this year, whatever. And it was
investment. But it wasn't investment, like in previous
years, because in previous years, I would be thinking more to do
with Okay, building the channel or building the business or how many
clients we want to have, et cetera. But this year, it's
investment in ours over a year. And I'll share this with you.
I, I was writing and and I wrote down how old I'll be. And then
each one of my children how old they'll be and how old so the man
would have been you and on his way to 50 SubhanAllah. And I wrote
If only you could see us now, like, Well, how could our daughter
be 14 next year? You know, How could our eldest be 23 Who would
have thought you know who would have thought and
just that
the thought of me being now the guardian of his Doria.
Yeah, this this lineage of his, oh, it just
this is what matters
now is what matters. It is these humans that you've been entrusted
with, yeah, to pour into to guide to love to protect, to, to teach
to do all of the things right. So that your lineage will continue
upon the obedience to Allah subhanaw taala. And I wrote and I
said, Yeah, Rob, make this lineage die upon Islam and be on Islam
forever. I mean, all of us will know Him. I mean, you know, that's
one of my daughters, I always have, I always have that, because
I make dua that I will make my children establishes of Salah
until piano, until piano, because I don't want my children to be
entering kufr just as I wouldn't want any of my grandchildren. And
I lost that what you said about your age, that age, because I
remember having this conversation with one of my nieces, cousins.
And they were saying, I want to get married at X amount. It's age,
nearing, end 20s. And then I don't want to have kids straightaway
want to travel and want to live life together, which is okay,
fine. But then I also want to do the maths. So you're in your 30s,
right? And this kid, like, well, how are you going to be when they
get married? Right? And then how are you going to be when they have
grandkids? Right? Like, don't you want to enjoy your grandchildren?
Do you want to enjoy your children, like, My bones are
hurting,
very, like, I want to, I want grandkids that I can play around
with, you know, I want to play football with, you know, I want to
I want to mess around with I want to be able to give them some of my
gems that I've had a hard life and I've, you know, understood wisdom.
And then obviously, Allah subhanaw taala is the best of planners, but
I want to be able to enjoy it. And that happens when you I mean, and
everything happens at an appointed appointed time, we're not saying
that you're someone who's in your late 20s or 30s. And if you're
looking to get married, and it's been very difficult, we know how
difficult it can be an is for many sisters, and I'm not saying this
to make it harder for you. I'm saying it to the sisters who are
choosing to delay it, okay. And I pray that Allah
opens that. And I just want to make that, you know, I don't want
to make it more painful for anyone, but I'm just saying it to
those. And if Allah subhanaw taala. You know, we are where we
are. Sometimes when we're trying and we want something and it's not
reaching us or last minute Allah to his infinite wisdom is holding
it for a reason. And that is a test. And I'm not trying to
belittle anyone's testing situation. I've had sisters come
to me in my classes in their early 30s crying, saying that they've
had very bad experiences in trying to get married, you know, and the
rivets, especially that they don't have
handy left for solace. And these organizations. Yes, yes.
Yes. And we had a really great presentation from from Alia on
Friday. Mashallah. But then you said this, but this is real. This
is a YouTube, this is a YouTube exclusive actually, because it's
not recorded.
So it will only be in the live stream. Yes, yes. But JazakAllah.
co located. I'm so, so pleased, we got to have this chat. And you
really, I hope people will go back and listen to your talk again,
because I just think, you know, I am I like hearing from men and
women who've been married for more than 1015 years. So and it gives
us Cereza.
Because that's when you get the realness you have not been
married, or people newly married, or people who have studied
marriage or read about it and listen to videos and listen to
podcasts. They don't know the real, the realness of it. That's
why I really, really appreciate to point out that, you know, it's not
Janna for us, either. You know, he's not he, he's a he's a means
to my agenda. But my days are difficult with him. And he there
are days where his life is very difficult with me and really know
the realness is is that you know, Salah you I couldn't get another
Wi Fi I couldn't you know, this is it, you know, there's been many
times where we're very close to going, but it's navigating
ourselves through it and pulling ourselves away and giving
ourselves time and knowing I'm going to say this, when to pull
away, when the storms come in to is knowing how to regulate our
emotions. You know, and I wish that someone had helped me in that
because I'm in East London, you know, and it doesn't help you
know, when we're talking. My mom was quiet like this as well. You
know, you can't run from
London, in Pakistan instead.
Whatever it is, I'm doing when we're strong willed women and we
are like that, you know, it's important that you know, we know
and you know how to rein it back when
and so
Just like I said, take your site away from the birds dropping on
the windscreen and just look at where we're really wanting to go
and Sharla and I have to say that I've I've not been online I think
you've been trying to get me last year was the first time I did it.
And I've done it again but thank you there's not my comfort zone
not comfortable here at all.
I did it for you. I did it in sha Allah if if anyone has found
benefits in anything make to offer us don't think that we've got it.
Please don't think that we have it it's very difficult and the Hadith
says that you know, why are you in the hellfire? Weren't you the one
that used to tell us to do good and the person says that you going
around like a donkey goes around on a mule and says, What are you
doing here in the Hellfire you are the one that used to tell us to do
good and and abstain from wrong and he said it's because I didn't
do the good myself and I didn't abstain from the bad So may Allah
Allah protects us please sisters and brothers. I'm gonna say this
that we make celebrities and put our daughter pedestal but we are
human. We don't know who has gender. And we just take the good
from the people and implement it and make to offer them because
this this, this place is a heavy place. And this place is that is a
very hard place. And I don't want you to think that on my face.
She's got her stuff together. I really don't you know, so the last
one I'm gonna make you protect us and rectify our fears and grant us
sincerity in our actions and make our deeds be of a witness for us
and not against us in sha Allah. So just for that.
I mean just I can offer an idea. All right. I'm going to take you
off the video now.
So I can Risa I'm so sorry we kept you waiting. Welcome slammed a
library account to no worries. I was enjoying the conversation and
the doula beautiful do us a hum de la hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen
Okay, are you ready to take it away? I am ready. All right. I'm
gonna come off the video, stop my video. I'm going to record and
when it says recording in progress, then you know that
you're good to go in sha Allah Bismillah
Samaniego, Morahan Allahu Barakatu who this is Ray Thank you Allah.
I'm the divorce Muslima coach I help high functioning Muslim wives
who are burned out lost themselves done trying to make it work.
Feeling like divorce may be the only option to revitalize her life
from purpose, passion, peace and to find clarity to be true to
herself her family while pleasing Allah.
Allah be lamina shaved on her Jean Bismillah R Rahman Rahim and Uncle
Shahe study well, you're certainly under 11 minutes any I've got only
James.
Okay, so my topic today is all about how to avoid divorce. And,
you know, I went through and I made a list like, you know, what
are the main things that I want to convey here as a woman who has
been through divorce as a woman who has found her purpose,
and through her relationship with LSI, Bella and helped and
supported many women who have gone through divorce or thinking about
going to through divorce? First and foremost, I want to come to is
intention, intention and purpose like, what is your intention
behind your marriage? You know, the goal?
Plan about getting divorced, right? No one does. And so going
back to the intention of why you're here, why did you marry?
Why did you get married in the first place? And what's your
reason? What's your purpose behind it and to link that to it being an
act of worship? Okay, because we know that we can link it when we
link everything back to the intention of pleasing Allah, it
can be an act of worship. And you know, this, this divorce thinking,
it comes from layers of frustration, frustrated, thinking,
defeated thinking and feeling hopeless, that things will never
change, and that you need things to change in order for you to be
happy, or in order for you to be at peace. And that is the illusion
right then and there. Right? Because if that was the case, then
you know, your peace or your happiness would be dependent on
something else on someone else. And that is not the way that allow
us to have Allah has created us, right. So anytime you find
yourself in this rut,
this stuck, thought pattern of divorce thinking, know that
there's something bigger going on here that there's a message here,
too.
look inward and see what needs to change within yourself first,
look at it as Allah subhanaw taala inviting you to something,
something to learn about yourself to grow.
You know, and this is the formula that Allah spent, Allah has told
us in the Quran that he is not going to change our condition
until we change what it is within ourself that needs to be changed.
So first, looking within having that level of self awareness, and
when you you know, it can feel very disempowering and helpless,
when you need your husband to change, you need your
circumstances, your situation to change, in order for you to feel
good, to be okay. Whereas ALLAH SubhanA, Allah knows exactly what
he's sending you he knows, which has been an A which wife, spouse
that he's matched you with. And he knows the circumstances and
situations that he's testing you with. elearning is challenging you
with, right, so it's not about that. It's the response that
matters, it's not trying to, to, to change or control everything on
the outside, it's looking within first and following the formula of
change, what is it that digging deep within yourself, right?
Because that's the only way that change works. That's how it works,
because Allah is the one who's in charge of that.
Because we can keep changing our external situation or, you know,
circumstance, you know, get rid of this person, get rid of that
person, all these toxic people like causing us so many problems
or difficult people, you know, but you're gonna keep getting the same
message louder and louder and louder of what Allah spent, Allah
is trying to teach you or show you
if you don't heed the message, right, and everybody wants their
marriage to be successful. And I'm not just talking about longevity
here, because that's not the only indicator of a successful
marriage, right? But I listened Allah tells us in the Quran, that
marriages, you know, they're meant to be a source of Sakina peace and
mawatha like that, that love that Allah subhanaw taala has placed in
the hearts between the spouses, that you're supposed to find
comfort and peace. And you know,
just that validation there in that relationship where you're supposed
to be a garment, you're meant to be a garment for your husband, and
your husband meant to be a garment for you. Right, that protection.
So another way to look at the intention, and the purpose of your
marriage is, it's a means to get to know Allah to get to experience
Allah, right. And to get to get closer to Allah subhanaw taala.
And guess what, you can refresh this at any time. Because we all
get distracted, we lose sight or we lose track, you know, in the
day to day things. But that pause that,
that re centering yourself to go back to Okay, wait a minute, why
am I here? What am I doing? What is this marriage all about? And go
back and refresh that intention?
Second thing is gratitude. And we hear this a lot
everywhere in the non Muslim spaces and the Muslim spaces,
right? And the focusing on what you have, rather than what you
don't, right. Because it's very easy to think, Oh, this is not
working. Right. Like he's not helping me with this. And you
know, she's always complaining about that. Rather than like, and
when we get stuck, our, our mind just blows up with, okay, she's
not like this. He's not like that. And I need I wish I had this. I
wish, I wish, I wish I wish. However, if we switch perspective
a little bit, go back to Allah because He's the source, right?
He's the source of the meetings, which is your spouse, He's the
source of everything. So he's providing this means for you,
right? And then the second is to be grateful to your spouse, right?
And you know, that hadith is
that if you haven't thanked Allah, if you haven't thanked the people,
and you haven't properly thanked on Las Panatela, right. And so
yes, we have to be grateful to our spouse as well because it's a
means that Allah Allah has provided for us and guess what
human nature is to not appreciate what you have until it's gone.
It's just how we humans are forgetful, impatient, right? So
recognizing, hey, wait a minute, this is a gift, and not just a
gift or a blessing. But this is an Amana. Just like when Allah Allah
blesses us with children, that's also an Amana in the same way your
spouse is just like that. Like Allah spent Allah has given you
this garments to to honor right and to appreciate so
it can be a test for you like not showing up on test for us, you
know, our wealth, our you know, our relationships can a family can
be a test right so your spouse can
Be a test for you, especially if you've made doula for your
marriage to be a means to gender. And I was talking to somebody
about this the other day, and we were just unpacking some
challenges that she was having in her marriage or some thinking. And
she was like, Oh my God, this has been a doula for me that I wanted
my marriage to be a means for Jana, for me, and she's like, some
pot, Allah, like all the success that I've been going through,
right? Because your spouse will trigger all your childhood wounds,
and all the that is going to direct you to all the places
within you that need healing. And what's that going to require
that's going to require where does the healing come from, that's
going to require a relationship with Allah, okay. And you both
will play out your childhood patterns that you've been
conditioned with, you know, from the, from the perception and your,
of yourself and your partner and your beliefs about yourself with
each other. So think of it as when you get when you get triggered, or
you get annoyed or bothered by something that he does, or he's
not doing or, you know, she's not owning up to that. That's a love
letter from Allah subhanaw taala, showing you something about
yourself, start there first.
And know that your relationship with your spouse is going to be a
reflection of your relationship with Allah and the relationship
that you have with yourself. Because your marriage is really
about your relationship with Allah and your relationship with
yourself. And this doesn't mean that, okay, it's about suppressing
yourself, or wronging yourself, or minimizing, or dismissing your
worth through acts of self neglect, because you feel or maybe
you've been taught, this is the only way to please Allah, that you
have to martyr yourself that you have to neglect yourself that you
have to disrespect yourself
from a place of servitude, that, that causes self neglect, right.
And we and I'm saying this, because I see this in a lot of
people that I work with, because this is what you know, maybe
previous generations have modeled to us from their understanding,
right? Again, this whole self neglect, distrust self disrespect,
that, you know, that leads to mark Marcin syndrome, in terms of
trying to make your spouse happy.
The goal is to make Allah happy, okay, through serving your spouse
and link it back to Allah not link it to, you know, I have to manage
his feelings. If he's not happy, then it's my fault. And, you know,
the thing is that, because when we when we get to that depletion
state,
understanding that it's coming from minimizing our own worth,
through
you know, and through resentment, and this is going to be a function
of how we relate to ourselves. And, and Allah because they go
hand in hand. And if this is the case, if you're finding that
you're not able to be grateful to your husband, to your wife,
then you know what,
go, this is the case for you to get you're feeling resentful,
you're feeling bitter, you're feeling angry, your needs are not
being met, that this is a case of going back to yourself and Allah,
that means that how you're relating to yourself, and how
you're relating to Allah needs need some tending to do, because
that is going to be how your your approach is going to be with your
spouse. And I know that after years, layers have built up of
resentment, it can be hard to find receipt, good things in your
spouse, right? It looks like the solution is to just like, it won't
work. It's not worth it. It's just won't happen. And so the key here
really is, how do you get back to gratitude, right, and if something
is getting in the way of that, then you need support and help and
how you're, how you're thinking about things how you're relating
to yourself, how you're really relating to Elizabeth Ella. Third
thing is to show up with the willingness to be in this
relationship, just like you had when you first got married, right
and to take ownership 100% Radical responsibility for how you show up
in your marriage, your part your dynamic.
You know, a lot of times you know, that I see especially as women
speak on the women part is that they take ownership for
everything. You know, whether it's okay your your your marriage is
falling apart and you're getting divorced right now. You take
ownership for your part and your spouse is part of how what
happened in the marriage. But you have to start with yourself first.
You cannot be responsible
for how your spouse shows up, nor take it as an indicator of your
worth, you're responsible and, and held accountable for yourself you
cannot hold, you know, someone else to account that's Allah's
responsibility, Allah's job, right? So you're part in your
marriage. So are you showing up with goodwill? Are you showing up
with mercy towards each other, the way you started at the beginning
of this marriage don't contaminate the present with things that
happened in the past that you're carrying, that have been built up
like residue, right. And your every time, you know, something
triggers you, you get annoyed, and you bring in like years of
everything that he's done, or that's gone wrong, or that you've
held on to, because that contaminates how you show up in
the present moment, right? Because that's the only place life is
happening, you know, bring the past is useless. Right? Because
it's dead, it doesn't exist anymore, unless you keep it alive
through your thoughts in the present moment. And if you find
that's coming up for you, like you just can't help, but the past
keeps coming up, keeps coming up, then get the support that you need
to become more self aware, self conscious, living in the present
moment to leave the past behind and truly live in the present
moment. And, you know, I have programs on this, there's lots of
people who, who helped with this. And because most of us are not,
we're not living in the present moment, we're living in our head
and in the past and, and with all of these assumptions and
expectations. And this totally reminded me of you know, as I
mentioned,
self consciousness because this conscious awareness and self
consciousness is the precursor for us to have Taqwa. And what does
talk about that? What is God consciousness? Right? If you're
not aware of yourself, how can you be aware of Allah and the picture?
Right. And this reminded me of the saying, of Omar Abdullah on who
said, you know, talking to a man and he said, it was that he wanted
to do thinking about divorcing his wife. And then he said, Why do you
want to divorce her? And he said, I don't love her. And Monroe, the
law on said, must every house be built on love? Right? And
understanding what definition do you have for love? And you know,
and he said, What about loyalty and appreciation? And I believe in
that, what about taco conduct mercy? What about duty? Right? And
what about thinking what is a low looking for me to do here? Okay.
Because running away, and not heeding the message that Allah
subhanaw taala is trying to give you is not the solution or the
answer, because one way or another, that that message is,
will be delivered. And it can get more louder, and it can get more
painful in order for you to wake up to have a wake up call. And so,
you know,
this whole idea of love and happiness, love and happiness is
fleeting, and we chase these things, right? Because one moment,
you can feel like your love and you'd love this person, because
they're, you know, doing what makes you happy. But next moment,
you're upset and you're disappointed, or you're no longer
feeling the love anymore, right? Because we're not we're not here
meant to be chasing love and happiness, right?
We need mercy to each other and compassion to each other and
goodwill in a marriage, rather than what's happening in a lot of
marriages is bitterness, there's layers and added a bitterness and
resentment toward each other, and you're just like attacking each
other. And you know, it reminded me this love that we're chasing
reminded me of this hadith let's see that says if Allah subhanaw
taala loved his servant, He called and you'll dubrio and says, I love
so and so. So therefore love him and he calls out the Prophet SAW
Selim. Sorry So then Angel Jibreel loves him. Then he Angel Jibreel
calls out into the heavens and says, Allah love so and so. So
therefore love him and the inhabitants of the heaven love him
and and then acceptance is established for him on Earth and
if Allah subhanaw taala
there goes on to the Hadith but my point is,
we're all chasing love, we want this we want love and we want love
from our spouse or our love from people but we just love come from
who is the owner of love? Who's the source of love? Who is Allah
do right? So we have to go to the source we have to go to pleasing
the source worshiping the source source and when we take care of
our obligations and
what is Allah looking for me to do? How is he looking for me to
respond in my relationships? How am I showing up in people that I'm
you know, that I have an Amana to towards and people have obligation
you know, a marriage is not a blood relationship that you are
obligated by Allah to not sever
With the ties, but it's in a manner okay and so there is some
obligation there.
Number four having a solid foundation is necessary a secure
attachment to Allah subhanaw taala and I know that sister Khadija
could or did an amazing talk about this if you haven't watched I
would encourage you to go and watch it. She did it I think it
was yesterday or day before in this in this marriage conference.
It's always been always will be you and Allah from the beginning
till the end it's always going to be like that people will come
people go resources will come resources will go in Jana was you
and Allah and mother's womb is you and Allah and this earth. I mean,
no one's experiencing life for you. No one's living your life for
you. No one's making your decisions for you. It's always you
right and who's there with you who's closer to you than your
jugular vein it's Allah subhanaw taala so this is the this is the
foundation this is where you will get your security and this
we are chasing safety and security and underneath that all if you
don't have safety and security within yourself and get only get
that from Allah subhanaw taala and your connection your relationship
with him you won't find it anywhere and you'll constantly be
chasing it in your relationships
with your spouse that I don't feel safe with this person you know, I
have to I can't be in this room with this person because I don't
feel safe this person makes me feel unsafe, nobody can make you
feel anything if some if feelings are coming up then it's a it's a
message it's an indicator okay wait a minute need to pause and
find out what What is Allah trying to show me here.
So there's a healthy family triangle like to call this what I
teach that one and you have you on the other end you have your
partner and then there's this triangle that you build a family
on the children on right? And the foundation is down here between
the partners. So you have two whole healthy securely attached
people how are they holding up well, their holdings Allah made
you whole and healthy liquidities you healthy as well, and the
fitrah but where does your secure attachment how where's your
strength comes from? It comes from each individual having their own
relationship with Allah subhanaw taala where they get their
strength and get their resilience, they get their clarity, they get
confidence that conviction
from and then they come together. You know, in the roles that Allah
spent Allah has given us in this life, to build on top of that, so
many times, we build up or we develop attachments in this dunya
in this life as we grow, you know, nurturing to people, to our
parents, to our accolades to our wealth, to you know, our status,
our spouse even and I'm a classic example of this, I didn't realize
it at the time, but as I was going through my own healing process,
after my divorce, I was in I was a completely codependent person, you
know,
I call it like I was living codependency, like shirk, I was
relying on other people and my spouse to give me permission to be
what, when, unless McDowell had already given me that I didn't
realize that though. You know, my, my happiness, my everything came
from
someone else outside of me. And I didn't have a relationship with
them was kinda like, Yes, I knew that he was my Lord and I had to
obey Him. And I could do all these things. But I didn't know Allah
was I didn't know myself. And so along that way, I went through
many tests in my divorce in you know, in co parenting in
relationship with my children, and all the things that come with
divorce, where Allah tested me with those relationships. And, you
know, a high conflict, divorce and in high conflict called parenting
and, you know, losing my children and hamdulillah reestablishing
relationships with them now, but
that was my goal was teaching me detachment was teaching me to rely
exclusively on him with ThoughtBot where Who am I relying on what am
I relying on, right? And whether you're married or you're not
married, or whatever, you know, whatever your marital status is,
it's always you and Allah subhanaw taala first, so you cannot look to
your partner to make you happy. You cannot look to your
your anything outside of yourself, to make you feel good about
yourself. happiness and love, like I said, are fleeting thoughts.
That's not the goal. The goal is obedience, it's to Allah subhanaw
taala its worship its its connection and its reliance
exclusively on Allah subhanaw taala that will bring you peace
rarely in the remembrance of Allah do hearts bring to
you
Do hearts find peace or rest right like that baccala that a conscious
awareness of Allah at every moment will bring contentment will bring
the right.
Your knowing your partner is not there and responsible to meet your
basic needs. What I mean by that all the time, when I'm coaching
women, when they are processing what's going on in their marriage
or disappointment or hurt or betrayal, or resentment from from
their partner, whether it's you know, while they're still in the
marriage or after the when we learn, we unpack all of that, and
we dig deep we find it's from unmet needs, not your spouse's
responsibility to meet your basic needs of acceptance, belonging,
being heard, being understood being seen to be your sense of
worthiness, your self esteem, feeling enough, feeling good
enough, right. And these basic human needs, we grew up receiving
them, from people, our parents, and so on, and so on. Because this
validation, like that's a basic human need, you know, that a
validation and approval, and we're still living living in those
childlike patterns, like you do things to make your parents happy.
So you get the message that you're meant to make people happy, right.
And, you know, this, we miss, we miss the boat, or we just never
understood or realized, like myself that wait a minute,
validation and approval and worth, I already have that Allah gave
that to me when He created me, I don't need to look for someone to
approve of me or someone to validate me, in order to feel
worthy, it's not going to come from the outside, it's going to
come from you knowing that that's in your fifth state that Allah
Subhana Allah has already embedded within you don't need to chase
that. And a lot of us don't know that I don't understand that.
We're not we're not taught that or we're not received those messages.
Right. So know that if you seek this through another person, you
will always feel lonely until you securely connect and attach to
Allah subhanaw taala for your needs, and know that He is with
you at all times, you will never be lonely. And if you're craving
this because so many women are feel lonely in their marriage,
right? Like you can feel lonely and be feel alone in a marriage
and a roomful of people, uh, you know, with a huge family, and, and
even just by being buying, you're being by yourself. So the solution
in loneliness is not about other people. It's connection to
yourself and Allah subhanaw taala first, and know that your basic
human needs cannot be met outside of yourself. Anyone other than
Allah, your worthiness, your enoughness acceptance or
validation? Because
when we dig deep, you know, and a question I asked a lot of women is
like, why did you why did you do all the things in your marriage?
Because I thought I had to, because that's what what was
expected me I was supposed to nowhere in there is, is there ever
Well, to please Allah to worship Allah because that's what I was
looking for me. It's like we forget, subconsciously, we forget,
where's Allah in this picture? Right. And so let me bring it back
to the intention. And we, you know, and I get this a lot, no
matter what I did, it was never enough. No matter what I did, I
could never make them happy. These are all things that women have
told me, I turned myself into a pretzel, basically, that that that
means I lost myself, I neglected myself, I didn't take care of my
own needs and my caring for myself, because I was bending over
backwards trying to make someone happy. That's not the goal. You're
not here to manage somebody's feelings you've heard to make sure
your intention and your effort and outcome in lies with Allah. Right,
so.
And
what ends up we ended up uncovering a lot too is that
people are looking for validation for approval to be heard to be
understood. Those things have to start with you first. Okay? Allah
is the All Knowing he's the All Hearing because you're seeing so
you ain't gonna be heard or seen or understood with nobody the way
you will with Allah. Okay? But it's you believing that it's you
knowing that, okay, well, I'm in St. Jude, when I talk to Allah,
like, he hears me, like he's validating and I don't have to
validate myself. I can't skip this middle person mean in between and
go straight to someone else. seek that out. Right? And so, and then
the other thing is like knowing like, Allah Subhan Allah is your
protector, your provider, your maintainer, your Sustainer you
know, he's the one who's, who's giving you your risk. Yes.
means it's coming through your spouse. But like, you know, your
husband or your wife cannot hurt you unless you allow them to so
remembering going linking it back to Allah as my protector, right?
But if I'm relating my worth, to everything he or she does or says,
then there's, there's a disconnect there. And that's what I need to
to,
to recycle on knowing that my identity as his honored AleSmith I
was honored servant
comes from there, my identity comes from there, and my dignity,
my respect, so I can respect myself. Right? And I don't need to
get it from outside. And this this whole, why don't we get tests and
challenges is to see how we're going to respond to see if we're
going to turn to Allah for for the help to get through it right to
see if we're going to rely on others? Are we going to rely on
Allah? are we choosing others? are we choosing a lie, and it's this,
this process of detachment, this process of purification, right?
It's always you and Allah first, then your spouse, your parents,
and your kids, etc, etc. Our job is to please Allah subhanaw taala
with x, with expectations from him alone, right, not from others, are
from pleasing, pleasing others, to get your needs validation and
approval and feeling good about yourself.
Alright, so this is one of the the most important that I'm going to
focus on. But I wanted to talk about the other ones as a
foundation, but the art of effective communication. And this
is a skill that has not been taught, unfortunately. So, you
know, we ended up communicating with the default ways in which we
learned in childhood that we just carried along with us, right, and
you know, as a child, you know, we have immature thinking, so we have
mature coping,
ways and communication to get our needs met. And they get picked up
and developed in our childhood, which gets programmed within us in
our first seven years of our life, and it just becomes on autopilot
like subconsciously, right, what we learned what was in our home,
what we saw our parents, how we saw them, interacting with each
other with each other, and how they respond to each other, when
they're upset when they're new. And they're happy when they're
sad, right. And this may not be the most effective and functional
way of communicating with each other. Right. So effectively
knowing how to deal with conflict we had a lot of us have, I know I
certainly did have dysfunctional ways of dealing with conflict we
just weren't taught right, such as not to deal with it. Avoidance
stonewalling, passive aggressive, you know, aggressive narcissistic
tendencies, etc, and sabotage, self sabotage, right? Being able
to express yourself authentically, without the masks on all of this
self editing and managing people's responses or feelings. Many, many,
many times in coaching, we find that women
there were always you know, it started out with being worried and
about how am I parents going to react? What are they going to
think? What are they gonna say, I'm here to manage their feelings
so that they don't get angry, they don't get upset, they are not, you
know, disappointed in me. So I have to,
I have to become somebody who I think they're going to, they're
going to be happy with and you just get used to and accustomed to
having not knowing who you are not being being able to express
yourself authentically. And being able to just be right. And that
again, that goes back to knowing yourself and knowing love. So this
art, it comes down to two things, it comes down to being able to
separate the person from the problem in this is the Prophetic
way that prophets Allah Selim taught us, right.
Which allows one to approach conflict or the problem with the
wisdom and compassion for yourself and the other because many times
we approach the conflict or, or the issue at hand, as he's the
problem, she's the problem. And what gets transmitted is the
frustration. The maybe even all the past layers of you always do
this, right. And it feels like an attack when somebody the message
gets lost. What gets transmitted is the emotion, the energy, okay?
And so being able to separate this human being this soul, you know,
from what is the issue at hand, what is the problem that needs to
be solved? What is the conflict at hand that's separate from this
human being from the soul that you're in front of right and
Almost one fella does not, you know, we, we understand this as
therapy, okay, because that'd be comes down to being able to
separate the person from the issue. And it has to be led and
done with compassion. So what does that mean? Right? Like, therapy is
the is the development in the training of people, human beings
in various aspects, right. And it really refers to systematic
development and the training, whether it's children or our
students, whatever it is, but this is the Prophetic way, this is how
the Prophet SAW Selim was able to deal with conflicts without
attacking people, without bringing people down. Whether it was
emotionally whether it was you know, passive aggressively, he
didn't do that, that those things, right. And he also didn't diminish
himself. He didn't oppress himself. He didn't. He didn't,
you know, dismiss his boundaries, right? Or his own rights. He
didn't allow oppression for himself, nor for other people, or,
you know, he was, and this is important in marriages, because we
don't want to, we want to make sure we're not oppressing
ourselves. But we also want to make sure we're not pressing
another person. Okay. So how do we do this? Number one is, when you
are emotionally heightened, you cannot effectively do this. So
when you're upset, you're angry, you've been triggered, you feel
this rising emotion come in with you, that's going to require you
to pause and know Wait a minute, this is happening within me. This
is this is me, my feelings, taking 100% accountability and
responsibility, owning your feelings that coming from inside
job is coming from you.
It's coming from your thinking about maybe something that your
spouse did, or is not doing. And it's bringing up feelings of
frustration within you. Okay, but those feelings belong to you. So
recognize when you're in your feelings, your trigger, you're not
in a space of clarity, or able to access your intuition and your
wisdom, which you're going to need to be able to access in order to
effectively communicate because our intuition and our wisdom is
Allah subhanaw taala is guidance. It's our GPS. I like to point out
God protection system, okay? Where Elizabeth is always guiding us.
But when we're in our feelings of anger, frustration, disappointment
hurt, just being fed up. We're stuck in our head, we're stuck in
our, our, our ego centered thinking rather than our heart
centered wisdom, because this is where we will we connect to Allah
subhanaw taala. This is where we can hear what he's guiding us
with, right what he's leading us to. And so, okay, from this, so
first pausing to reconnect to yourself, because when we're in
our own feelings, we're disconnected from ourselves. Well,
in that moment, we're also disconnected from Allah subhanaw
taala. Okay. So, from and from this space, when we speak, when we
act, we will communicate the emotion rather than the message,
right? And in there, you know, I mentioned anger, frustration, all
of that, and blame, attack and with blame, anytime you're, you're
speaking with words or our body language,
of blame. There's always shame attached to that, right? Because
it's like, when we blame that we're whole word blame has a
connotation of shame attached to it. I'm not gonna go into so much
detail of it right now. But But knowing that, so deal with this
first, this is what's happening within you first, because you're
not in a condition to communicate even the Prophet sallallahu Sallam
when he was angry, who turned red when I speak, and sometimes he
would even get up
and separate himself right from that situation. You know, because
you're not going to be in a calm space to communicate.
And deal with this. First, regulate your own self. Come back
to the present moment, come back to connection to yourself and to
lug around yourself with you know that that conscious awareness that
taqwa, you're going to need to communicate to this soul to this a
manner that you have, okay? Because that's what you're
responsible for. You're not responsible, you're not gonna
stand in front of us. I know they will. He made me do it. She made
me do it, right, like very silly, right? But in those moments, we
can feel justified with our behavior. And when we project that
onto somebody else that like that defensive mechanism, you're going
to have one ego and you're gonna have another another person
feeling attacked, you're gonna have two egos attacking each other
and turn into a heated huge explosion and I know that we've
all experienced this, right and the boxing gloves come out. So
from this, when you're in that moment to be able to
to ground yourself and reconnect back to yourself, you know,
whatever you need to do, whether it's the breathing, or it's a
vicar, it's reminding yourself your intention. And you know, your
self awareness of your thinking or your feelings in that moment.
You know, you may be able to say, uh, you may need to say, I'm not
in a condition to respond to this right now, or I need time and you
know, a little bit of space to just settle myself, so I can
communicate to you effectively what I really mean. And what I'm
really trying to say, because I don't think I'm in the space right
now to, to, to transmit power, communicate that right and in a
neutral way, not in a like huffing and puffing way. So give yourself
that time and that space that you need. And from when you're in that
space of neutrality, when you've had time for the emotion to settle
down that clarity to come back up, you know, you're looking at things
from a different perspective, you can really see can be in that
neutral space, that peaceful space, which is our natural state,
you can access your heart centered wisdom, and intuition and ask what
is the law looking for me to do here? But what's the what's what's
the right thing for me to do here, right now what I feel like doing,
but what's the right thing to do here? Right. And a very subtle
thing here, a lot of women feel like, Oh, I gotta squash my anger,
I gotta, I gotta suppress my emotions. And I just got to be,
I just have to do whatever he wants me to do. And that's not
that's not how it works. You have to understand yourself first,
before you can hear what someone is trying to communicate to you,
what's the actual issue at hand, right? So
and a lot of times, women feel like, they just sacrifice, how
they're thinking, how they're feeling, what their needs are.
In order to make the person happy, and again, I talked about this
earlier about people pleasing, and we're not here just to make
someone happy with you so you can feel okay about yourself. So don't
what I'm saying is we not to oppress your own self, or others
and a lot of us don't know how to do this, because we weren't taught
how to make sacrifices and compromises which marriages and
real all relationships require, but in a healthy way of sincerity.
If plus and a sad, right, in a sincere way that I'm doing this
for you, Allah I'm making, like I want to make the sacrifice for my
partner for my spouse, we make sacrifices all the time for our
children, right?
And we have to ask ourselves, Am I doing this for the pleasure of
Allah? Or am I doing this because I don't want my child to be angry
or upset and I you know what to make, I just want them to be happy
all the time. Again, happiness is not the goal. So going back to
what learning how healthy way to make sacrifices and compromise
from a place of sincerity for the pleasure of Allah. Alright, so we
a lot of us have been taught self sacrifice, as I mentioned earlier,
this martyr syndrome, self neglect to get our needs met those needs
that I mentioned earlier about.
And you can you can learn more about this when you understand
Maslow's hierarchy of needs where you know, like safety, security,
you know, food, shelter, water, belonging, acceptance,
being heard, seen, understood all of that. So, next thing is don't
try to control your spouse or the outcome. Unless I don't want to do
that. That's a less month Ellen's job, okay?
Don't try to fix them or change and remember, you show up and you
show up with SN or F last do your best. Why? Because you're doing it
for the pleasure of Allah, you're not doing it to get your husband
to change and I'm doing it for a certain outcome. You know, you're
doing it for Allah and you and you leave the outcome to Allah. That's
the formula of change. Remember that it gave us you focus on what
needs to change within yourself. Allah will change the outcome,
Allah will change your external circumstances situations, Allah is
a Turner of hearts, He will change hearts. I've seen this time and
time and time again, in women that I've worked with in women's
relationships and marriages. When they've done that, with baccarat
with taka and relying on Allah in his timeline, with that patience
and that submission to Allah subhanaw taala that
he knows what he's sending you and He will never send you more than
you can handle. So stay the course stay the course you and Allah and
Allah subhanaw taala will will change your circumstances
situation because that's his promise. Okay.
And, you know, when you're in a space of clarity
If things you know, I want to mention and point out that divorce
is an option divorce is allowed in our deen, it's there, you know,
like, we have so many examples of it, you know, in the Sahaba and in
our in
the Sunnah.
But what I will say is that there's a way to do that. And
that's again, things that I teach, you know, women and even men and,
and how to separate in a way that is pleasing to Allah because even
divorce, but the thing is that when we we get to divorce
thinking,
we're in our feelings. So that decision of divorce has to be made
from a space of clarity of taqwa, of, from your intuition, not from
burnout, not from frustration, not for anger, not from helplessness,
not from hopelessness, because that's not going to serve you,
it's actually going to cause more problems. So, you know, this whole
talk was about how to avoid divorce a lot. So I'm focusing
mostly on that.
And the last thing I want to share is that there is a hierarchy in
society, whether we understand it or realize it or not, and that has
been set up for us by ALLAH SubhanA, Allah, our owner and our
Creator. And there are roles and responsibilities that has been
that Allah has defined for us, right? Especially when it comes to
leadership, there can only be one leader in the hall, right? This
like they can, you know, like saying it says they can only be
one cook in the kitchen. Can't you know, they can only be one lady of
the home.
And so
otherwise, there's going to be disorder, there's going to be
dysfunction, there's going to be butting heads and conflict of you
know, who's the leader? And who's the leader of your family? How do
you know that? Right?
Who's second in command? How do you know that? We educate yourself
on gender roles and marriage roles and rights and responsibilities
from the endless and check yourself? Because there has been a
deliberate programming and conditioning and shift in the
environment and culture to step away from our traditional for
Thoreau roles of masculinity and femininity has been redefined for
us and it's not coming from the Quran. So not and
I am a witness to this. I you know, growing up in the States, as
a first generation who has immigrant parents,
being a first generation American Muslim, I've seen the differences
in American society and culture in my own thinking and my own
upbringing, Sister NEMA said, you know, drinking the Kool Aid, just
all the messages that we've gotten about family about femininity,
about masculinity, about the Home, About children, everywhere in
society, in media, and pro programming, television,
programming, its programming us, right, how everything has shifted.
And I'm not gonna go into too much detail about this, because I know
a system that has done a great job in bringing education and light to
what is actually happening here. So go back and educate yourself in
the Quran and the Sunnah. And I'll leave you with this hadith that
Prophet SAW, Selim said, every one of us a shepherd, and was
responsible for his flock, the leader of a people is a guardian
and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of
his family, and he is responsible.
For them, a woman is the guardian of her husband's home, and his
children, and she is responsible for them. The servant of a man is
a guardian of a property of his master, and he is responsible for
it, no doubt, every one of you is the shepherd and it was
responsible for his flock. And this hadith tells us, men and
women, what's our responsibilities? So knowing like,
a man looks for respect and to be obeyed, because Allah says Allah
has, you know, given him that that level, and a woman looks for
attention and affection and love and safety and security and
provision, and
when we fall into our natural fitrah, and our roles and what is
our responsibility, we will get that from our garments, we will
get that from our partners, right? And again, I'm not talking about
abusive or, you know, extreme situations, just in general about
how what are the ways to avoid divorce. And lastly, I want to
leave with you. You know, I was talking to someone and mentoring
them just a few days ago, and she was talking about how she had so
much conditioning, but she was feeling like her. Children were
becoming a burden rather than an Amana and she didn't like that.
She was trying to understand what what's going on internally for
her. And she was realizing where she had abandoned herself. And she
had neglected herself so much she was in so much burn out, it was
based on this conditioning that a mother has to look like this. This
is the way a mother looks right? And what was happening, meaning a
mother's isn't so much service. And it's okay to neglect her own
needs,
to the extent of burnouts, and she was carrying this belief for so
long that sacrifice this type of sacrificial or martyrdom, this
normal. And so she, she went into honoring myself, to be able to
honor herself because Allah gave her that honor, but not to deplete
herself, because that's what she was giving back. And that's her
responsibility to make sure she's not depleting herself and pouring,
pouring into herself, that's her responsibility. So she can pour
her best self into her loved ones, and not from a resentful, bitter
self, right. And all she did
was work on her worth. And especially when it came into her
marriage, she focused a lot this year on
where she's deriving, I'm talking deep, deep layers, subconscious
layers of okay, how am I relating myself in my work to what my
husband is saying, you know, his responses, maybe his put downs or
his, you know, things like that being able to separate,
separate herself from himself. A lot of times women don't know how
to do this, even after they've been divorced. They're talking
about, Oh, he did this. And he said this, and he treated me like
this. Okay, let's process and unpack that that was the past. But
are you taking on his opinions or what he said to mean something
about your worth? No, because you, we do this, we don't understand
that we're doing this but we've attached our worth and our
worthiness to someone else's words, their behavior, rather than
the source of our worth, which is on love. And so what she was
sharing is that when she just worked on being able to separate
his reality from her reality, and focus on her worth, and, uh, not
engaging in that back and forth, responding from hurts, are taking
what he was doing or saying personally to mean something
personal about her.
She just allowed it to be and she she had she said, she loved her
marriage and I listened to his hands. And it's been so helpful
for her that that was the key that was the secret is to change in
your internal condition to Allah Subhan Allah can change people's
hearts and that was the attachment and the Devi focus on speaking
well to herself. I know somebody you know talks about this and one
of the talks about your your self talk and your how you treat
yourself how you see yourself how you talk to yourself. But what you
think about yourself is key because sticking well to herself,
not putting herself down even if someone else is putting you down,
right? You know, what's more important is what you think about
yourself, not what others think about you and working on our
connection to Allah Subhan Allah she said it was a game changer.
And
I will stop here because I can go on and on and on. But inshallah I
hope that, you know, my message was helpful and anything that I
have said, really has come from Allah, Allah inspiring me to share
what I know. And anything that was wrong or any mistakes or not
beneficial is comes from myself. So just like a little prayer for
this platform, and your time and your attention, everyone Islam
will they go into library get to who and I'll open it up for
questions or takeaways
is that fair and says,
I think you were blowing people's minds
mashallah Tabata Cola, that was very profound, definitely a much
deeper look at, you know, how to how to avoid divorce or how to
show up in a marriage. MashAllah than we typically hear. So just
psychological hair, that was amazing. And would you say that
your own perception or even your coaching around this issue has
evolved over the past couple of years? Because I think it has
the Malala Yes, absolutely. Yeah. I think a lot of people are
noticing that, like, I realized this too, it has because when I
was first, when I first came onto the platform as a divorce Muslima
coach, I was supporting women who are going through divorce and
going, who had been divorced in healing, coming back to Allah
coming back to them sense of sense of self and worthiness, and how to
deal with conflict, and co parenting and all of that, which
which was great. And it was needed, because I got that help
for myself. Yeah, but Allah was trying to show me through the
people that he was sending me to help that people need help a step
before. Step before the game.
up to the point of, I'm done, I'm out, I have already put in
everything and see, you know, like, there's nothing left. I've
tried everything, there's nothing left. And I'm, I've already made
my decision. I'm in the process on the path, I want to be able to
help women who are struggling in the burnout, who are struggling in
the divorce thinking and understanding, you know, like,
where's this thinking coming from? Why am I at this level of
frustration and burnout? And like, what can I do about it? You know,
because, like I said earlier, your partner is going to trigger all of
the things that within you that need healing, and it's not about
him, it's about you and your relationship with Allah and
yourself, then comes a relationship with others.
Absolutely, yeah. Absolutely. Mashallah, I love that.
Hamdulillah. So yeah, I mean, there was just people taking notes
and asking, you know, how they can reach you. So how what do you help
women in now? So what what is your work comprise off now? Yes,
absolutely. So, as I mentioned, in the beginning, I am focused now
really on helping women with really going back to like from
that space of being lost themselves burned out, feeling
like divorce is the only option to revitalize herself, her life, from
the space of purpose, passion, and peace, and to find clarity to be
true to herself, and her family, while pleasing Allah, all of those
things can be in alignment, you know, but we have to go back to
intention and purpose. So anyone who's thinking about divorce, and
wants to gain clarity, because you have to make the decision based on
clarity. And if it's all ego, thinking of frustration and
burnout, and I'm done, then it's coming from ego thinking and
you're not you're not in a state of clarity, because people who
think that way, also are very wishy washy, they don't know how
to execute the decision because there's lots of underlying guilt
or uncertainty. So the decision has to come from place of clarity,
the logical and certainty clarity Yeah, yeah. So I hope limited to
gain clarity come back to themselves and their relationship
to Allah subhanaw taala and then make the decisions that you need
to to flow forward in your life.
And you can reach me on Instagram at recent Ebola or the divorce
Muslim Oh coach, and also my website, which is bringing son
he.com Come to the Lodge is located and we will wrap up that
recording there does that color Palin Bismillah
hamdulillah we've got sister Halle Banani in the house. Have you guys
spoken on the same platform together? Are you familiar with
each other as well? So on eco sister Holly, welcome back. Thank
you. Thank you. It's great to be back Masha. Allah girl I'm loving
that green Hello.
It's 2023 What it come in. sha Allah Allah.
I read being chair my green rug.
Mr. Mashallah, ain't it I only caught the ending. But you know, I
love the fact that you're doing this work. For people who write it
for us, we really need that. And it's, I think it's admirable, to
be vocal about it to say that you are divorced and to help those who
are going through it. Some people try to kind of hide it and, and
come across in a different way. And I like how you're open and
honest and we really really need this. So may Allah bless your
work. I mean, I mean, just like a love affair, it's a pleasure and
honor to be here with you.
And
I want to see you guys on a platform I'm sure you will have a
lot to say inshallah. And we have another one of these evening
Allah. But sister isa, I'm going to transition to the next talk in
sha Allah so I just Zack, locate him for coming. And Sister Hello,
you're blessing me again. Because you and I had a conversation just
a couple of months ago, masha Allah. So Allah hamdulillah
would you like just to have a chat about what we talked about last
time? I think I would love
for us to have a chat. You know, I just recently came back from South
Africa, your hometown? Yes. Well, how was that? It was an amazing
experience. I always say I have like my South African family.
They're just the sweetest people my child labia, and it was all
about marriage and intimacy and all that good stuff. So I would
love to discuss,
you know, the topic of infidelity, because, sadly, it is quite common
in the Muslim community. All right, so let's go with the
recording, shall we? So we don't lose any of this. Bismillah
Bismillah salatu salam ala Rasulillah Salam aleikum, everyone
welcome to what is going to be the final talk for this for this
conference. Mashallah, because our sister Amina Jane is actually
unwell. Subhanallah her whole family is
down with a bug. So she wanted to join us. She was going to be the
last speaker. But now since the highlight, it's up to you to take
us home. Okay, and but you've got a tough, tough, a tough subject
to, to speak about. Because all these three days, we've been
talking about, you know, preparing for marriage and investing in
marriage and, you know, showing up as your best self in a marriage,
you know, developing the relationship, understanding the
rights, responsibilities, and all of that.
But now here, we're having a conversation about what is
potentially the biggest betrayal, and one that most people do not
anticipate. And that is infidelity. Yeah. So tell us a
little bit about the work you do. And then answer this question. I
guess, is infidelity even an issue in the Muslim community?
All right, well, subhanAllah it's always a pleasure and honor to be
here I love I love our interactions together. I love our
synergy. And I love the work that you're doing. So may Allah bless
you and you've been on fire sister Ma sha Allah Tabata, Allah has
given me that green jacket.
That's what I want that green jacket.
Chakra token. So I'm always cheering for you and making dua
for the work that you do. You know, I started in 1998, over
much, you know, 25 years ago,
at of spending time in helping Muslims specifically in building
their marriage, right, so having the best kind of marriage, and it
all begins with themselves. So my husband and I dedicated our lives
to helping by creating the marriage program, five pillars of
marriage, and Alhamdulillah that gives you step by step like how to
do that. We also did a premarital program, laugh and learn with Baba
Ali, as you know, and helping people that they just get started.
And three years ago, I started a mentorship program, the mindful
Hearts Academy, which is all about being the best version of
yourself. So you can show up for your spouse, for your kids, for
the community in the best way. So that's, that's the kind of work
I've been doing. And I have had the privilege of working with
1000s of Muslims across the globe. I know there are a lot of
counselors who will work specifically in their community.
But because I've been doing it under coaching, I've been exposed
to people from all over the world. And so what I have seen is that
infidelity in the Muslim world and in the Muslim community is
actually quite often it is quite prevalent. And I have seen that
sometimes there are some days that I will have up to five clients in
one day that have had infidelity issues. So it is one of the most
common topics that comes up in marriage counseling, it always
takes the spouse by surprise, it's rarely something that the person
has expected.
And it is like a tsunami in a marriage. So is it common?
Absolutely. Does it mean that the marriage is over? You know, 20
years ago, I would have said, How could you even continue? If this
has happened? That was my mindset. But after seeing couples seeing
the changes they go through? I would say not necessarily. Not
necessarily. There are certain ingredients that if you have them,
you will be able to overcome it. So let's talk about that. Because
I think that's really interesting. And of course, you know, guys, let
me know, in the chat, you know, and in the comments, you know,
what would your answer be? You know, if somebody said, you know,
is it possible for a marriage to survive infidelity? Would you say
yes? Or would you say no? So in which cases, would you say, start
with no, in your experience? When is it? When is the answer no. And
then we can get to when the answer is yes, right. I would, I would
start off by saying that this is an absolute betrayal, it is
absolutely unacceptable. Whether you're talking Islamically, or
whether you're talking emotionally, this is not something
that we condone in any way, shape, or form. And it definitely rocks
the marriage, it will break the trust. And once that trust is
broken, it is quite difficult to rebuild it. Okay. So when someone
chooses that, you know, this is it. I can't go through with this
as has hurt me too much. I respect that. And I, you know, we have to
honor what a person's capacity is and what they feel. So in no way
am I here to actually tell people No, you should stay, but I'm just
basing it on the 1000s of people that I've worked with, right? And
it's not just one person's opinion.
It's actually seeing it. And I have seen that there are four
ingredients. Because there are times some people will come in and
no matter what they have gone through, they want to stay right.
There are situations where I feel like Sister, this has happened.
Yeah, past, you know, 10 years, he's been cheating. He had a
secret life, and they want to stay. But let me tell you what it
takes. If someone is choosing to stay one, there has to be genuine,
genuine remorse, genuine remorse, because there are situations when
a person will come and just be like, sorry, literally, literally,
I've seen that happen within a session where I'm just like,
Brother, can you do better than that? I mean, you can't just
sorry about you know, Vegas what happened in Vegas. So, there are
times when the man is just absolutely furious. He's furious
that he got caught. So if a person is furious, if they're not
remorse, this is not a person that is genuine about wanting to
rebuild, only if a person is like, extremely remorseful. Okay. The
second ingredient would be that they would need to stop or end any
relationship with the person. I remember, a client came in and
actually it was the woman who had been cheating. And, and she came
in and I told her in order for me to work with you, you need to stop
this relationship with this with this man. She said he is the air
that I breathe. And I can't and I said, Well, I will not be able to
work with you, sister because this is a cancer in your marriage.
Subhanallah that was a wake up call. When the counselor says I
can't work with you. She was this is a wake up call. She went
mashallah overseas became religious, like just got her life
together.
So you have to hold on hold on before before we I'm curious now
about this story. Because obviously when she said, you know,
he's the air that I breathe she she believed that it was real to
her right. You know, obviously this this huge love affair. What
was what was it that she realized was at stake for her to make those
drastic moves of leaving the country and changing her whole
life? What was what was she standing to lose? Do you think
what was interesting because she came up to me at a conference once
and I didn't even recognize her. Because she was manava at the at
when when I when she came to me she was not she didn't have her
job on. So I didn't recognize her. She approached me she goes, Do you
remember me? And she told me her story. And I was blown away. I get
goosebumps.
I I had to whisper it like, yeah.
And then I breathe.
The air that she said that that was a wake up call. She's like, Oh
my god, like what have I gotten to where a counselor is not is
refusing to work with me. And it just woke her up. And her and her
husband actually went on a journey of renewal and spiritual renewal.
And so and hamdulillah for that, and then sometimes people really,
it's hard for them to cut that out. Because it becomes an
addiction. It's an addiction. And the amount of dopamine, the amount
of like, the good hormones, the the excitement, the whether it's
the compliments, or whatever it is, is so powerful, that it's it's
a difficult task to stop. So when someone cuts it off, and they're
like i that means they're being serious about working on the
relationship. Yes, yes. 100%. We've got some questions. Do you
want to deal with the questions? Often we say the full things and
then I think that would be that would be good. I'm fine with them.
The third thing is that they definitely need to seek help. This
is like a wrecking ball into the marriage. And it's so
overwhelming. It's overwhelming for the spouse is overwhelming for
the person who got caught because they're undergoing spiritual
crisis, identity crisis, and sometimes midlife crisis. So
there's a lot and it's not something that you can just pick
yourself up and say, Okay, we're going to let's let's, you know,
try it again. You definitely need someone who is experienced in
this, who can lead you step by step through this process. So you
need the professional help. And then fourth, is actually making an
effort to change and be better, right? Because if you're being the
same, if you're not making an effort, then I'm sorry, you've
lost the relationship, because you've already damaged it. But
there are people that I see that they completely it's an epiphany
moment
Right, it's near death experiences, it's almost losing
your wife and your kids, those funny moments, it's interesting,
because a lot of people will doubt is this for real? Are they really
changing. But I have seen those moments when a person truly wakes
up, and is like, Oh my God, and they do really embrace the change.
So those are those are the four characteristics I have seen that
if a person has it, then they're able to if they choose to, I'm not
here to tell people to accept it at all. But if they choose to
stay, then these are the ingredients you need to look for.
And sisters, if you don't see these ingredients, and you're
adamant about staying, I would say be aware, be aware of because it
may happen again and again. So let's flip it then. So that people
are clear on what the four would be. What's the opposite of those
are those four so the first is that he has remorse? What's the
opposite of indifference? complete indifference. I've had situations
where the man is just absolutely mad. Like, why why did you mess up
my font, like I had a good thing going, you kind of stepped in, and
he's just angry. So yeah, and some women will choose that they will
choose to stay even though the man has betrayed her. He's acting
horribly to her he's not remorseful. And and this goes down
to you know, the fact that the low self esteem sadly, and so the
woman feels like, well, I can't do any better than this. This is all
I deserve. This is all I get.
So that's first of all, either apathy, or anger. Okay. And then
number two second thing is continuing the relationship. Of
course, I it seems like an obvious thing, you have to cut it, but
there are some people who will choose they they still, let's say
work together, they are still meeting up. They're still
chatting.
Yes, yes. And we had a sense of who was watching the conference.
And she said to her husband, she she found that her husband has
been having an affair for a year. And she knows and he knows. And
all she said is just marry her and make it Hello. And he was like,
no. Oh, she was like, if you marry her, make your wife at least we
don't have to deal with that. And he didn't want to he doesn't once
upon a law you mentioned I mean, then we need to look at the
person's character, we need to look at the person. What is the
say about a person, right? I mean, I've had situations where the
person has led a double life for I don't know, how many years, a
decade or five years. And with multiple partners, what does it
say about a person who can lie and cheat and, and just have this, so
we have to really look at the character of the person. And, and
there's a difference between perpetual cheating versus falling
into a mistake. And we can get into that maybe after we cover the
three, the four ingredients. The thing, too isn't answering,
refusing help. Refusing help, saying I don't need help. We can
do this ourself, we can figure this out. Right? And it's very
rare for someone because both individuals are so extremely hurt.
He's hurt because now he feels like I'm about to lose everything.
Oh my gosh, I'm devastated. The the wife is bitch, you know, feels
betrayed. And you really need a third party objective person to
understand to validate and to motivate each individual to make
the changes necessary, okay. And then the fourth is a person who
just is like, this is what I am, I am what I am. People boys,
will you sign up.
So if you get any of those ingredients that are just saying
they're not remorseful, they're not cutting the relation, they're
not serious, this is going to happen again and again. For sure,
for sure. Subhanallah you know, it's it's of course on principle,
it's so easy to say get out because you deserve better than
that just because this person is is doing Haram is doing something
so wrong. And you know that the pure is for the pure and you know,
good people for good people and all of that. But you know, I do
sympathize with men or women who have a family together and have
built a whole life together and have to make that decision to to
move on this panel on May Allah make it easy and protect us. I
mean, my heart goes out to the people who struggle with this
because it really does turn their life upside down. It is mostly
them and it's not easy. It will it will, you know tear someone apart
to the core
But here's what I want to say the message of hope is that if you get
the correct guidance, and and your spouse is very serious about
correcting themselves, regaining the trust, then I have seen
hundreds of marriages. I can say hundreds of marriages that have
been able to restore and I dare say, and this is from their
testimonies, yet they became closer after the infidelity after
going through because going through this process, it's it's
creates intimacy in a way it creates that closeness because now
there's this awareness like oh my god, I didn't realize I didn't
know this. I didn't know that. Yeah. Effort. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So
take it can happen. I've seen it happen. It's been with friends at
times, it's been with community members, and it has been with
people all over where they are able to restore their marriage,
restore the trust, and, and continue, Masha Allah, Masha
Allah, may Allah make it easy for all of us and protect us? So in
your experience, and we talked about this before?
What are the the you what's the usual playbook? What is the most
typical scenario for how a person falls into this male or female?
And maybe if there's a difference between when it happens with a
husband or a wife? I'd love to hear that as well. Sure, sure. So
how does it play out? You know, I always tell people, you need to
safeguard your marriage against infidelity, you have to safeguard
it. And this is not to put any kind of blame. It's not victim
shaming, none of that. It's just a matter of preventative work. You
know, this morning, I was doing a health discussion for our health
group, we're talking about how doing preventative work is so much
better and easier, then, you know, when you get the diseases, and you
have to spend 1000s of dollars and trying to restore your health,
right? It's the same thing in this situation where when you focus on
building that connection with your spouse, when you have when you
have the friendship, when you have the love when you have the
intimacy when you are
really connected, and you connect on a daily basis and your your
life is interwoven. Because what usually happens is when when
people live separate lives, and they're not worried about any kind
of crossover. That's when people have like that double life. Right?
Singapore, it's easy. Yes. I always say safeguard your marriage
from the infidelity how does this play out is when someone has not
safeguarded their marriage, they don't have a friendship, they
don't connect, they don't eat together, they don't talk
together. And they live parallel lives. They're like roommates.
Yeah. And so the husband or the wife, they're very unfulfilled.
They are maybe bitter and angry and resentful. And they go to the
office. And you know, maybe maybe it's the Secretary, maybe it's the
nurse, maybe it's another doctor, who they really connect with,
they're in the same field, right. And there is the sense of, we have
so much in common. And it may start off as simple as, let's meet
up, let's talk about the cases, let's talk
about our families, like sometimes people justify it, I talked about
my wife and kids the whole time, right. And so that is a very quick
way, when a person is meeting with the opposite gender at work, when
they're being admired. When there is a sense of, Oh, we got so much
in common, I really get you connected, I click right, that can
happen also, let's say they are students. They're both studying,
I've had cases where the woman you know, she's in medical school, and
she connects with another fellow student, she likes the mental
stimulation, she doesn't feel like her husband gets her. And that can
play out. It can also be in situations where
it can be with, you know, with an employee, and this feeling of, I
think there's such a deep need that we have to be admired, to be
validated to be complimented, and men needed as much as women and
when we're not filling each other's cup. We focus a lot on
selling the woman's cup, right we've been asking for it we've
been saying this is what we need this what we want, we want the
flowers we want the compliments, but men need their cup to be
filled as well. They need to be admired. They want to be felt like
they are there. They are desired. Right. And and desired. Yeah,
appreciated and desired. So when those are missing, then you find
that connection with a person
And, and that yeah, that's how it starts. You asked about the
difference a * in the armor, isn't it? It's like a * in the
armor, whatever is missing in the relationship becomes a *
becomes, like a * in the armor like a gap. It's a gap that you
know, somebody is allowed and allowed to penetrate that open
door. Yes. So the difference between men and women, which is
very interesting, because I will have many men that they will call
me and they will say, you know, sister, I love my wife, my wife is
amazing. There's no one is beautiful, as you know, as
incredible as her. But I've cheated. Okay, so it doesn't nest
for men. It doesn't necessarily have to be. I'm so dissatisfied. I
can't stand my wife. Many times, they love their wives. And they
will say that she's the smartest, the prettiest theme, whatever you
want to say. But so this is what makes it very hard for women to
understand this, okay? Because we have this idea because what, based
on women, women who love their husbands would never even consider
cheating. It is generally the woman who is somehow frustrated,
angry, resentful. She's just fed up like she's so fed up and it has
been over in her mind. And there's a lot of built on resentment.
That's the person that a woman who will end up cheating, right? And
because we have this mindset, when a man will say,
I love you, I still love you. How how can you love me and do How
could you do that? Yeah, yeah. And again, I'm not condoning the
behavior. It's absolutely unacceptable. That I have seen
people who honestly do love their their wives, and they fell into a
mistake. Now, let's talk about the difference between a perpetual
mistake or a one one off, right? Yes. Yeah. There's definitely a
huge difference in that, right. Because there are times when a
person again, none of it is excusable.
I don't want to be misquote just trying to understand guys. They
just need to take things out of context. We're like condoning is
just nice. What it is what it is, it is what it is. So when someone
does it, it might be we've had situation I've heard of situations
when a person may have been with the wrong group of people. Maybe
Maybe they drink maybe they party maybe and and that person has
always resisted, resisted, resisted, resisted, but then for
whatever reason, they fall into a mistake. And then it's like, Oh,
my God, what did I do? And there's this remorse and regret and
wanting to get back on track. Okay, that's very different than a
person who has cheated with 656 Different people who has led a
secret double life.
Right. And yet, here you find the the amount of time, effort, energy
that goes into planning, plotting, covering, lying, playing, I mean,
it's that that is a whole nother case. And, yeah, there are
situations where a woman will choose to forgive and forget. And
I always say,
I'm always amazed. I'm always amazed by people's capacities,
right? There are some who will shock me that they won't have the
capacity to even handle a text, like a text comes in. And they're
just, they're furious. And it's like it's over, right? Or you
watch *, it's over. Some people are like that. And then there are
some who will see all that play up. And yet they want us they want
to stay. Right. And this is what I tell people. Okay, if you're
choosing because it's not my decision, it's not what I tell you
to do. You have to this is their life, right? They have to live
based on what they want to do. So one of the things I say I look at
your own capacity of being able to forgive, are you truly able to
forgive and move on and I've seen women who really amaze me that
they are, it's not an act, it's not like I forgive you, but I'm
going to dislike I'm gonna ruin every moment of your life. So you
pay back, your pay back, right? They they literally, there's
something there. They have a more forgiving personality. Okay, and
the other thing I asked, I tell you, No, I tell them and are you
really capable of making all those changes? Because if you don't,
then it's just it's just too harmful to stay in a relationship
with someone who's going to perpetually continued this
business.
A prayer. And and there are times when it will be very painful for
the man maybe he does literally have an epiphany makes all the
changes, but because the wife never forgave, it's always hanging
that over him. You saved and punishing him and choosing. And
when a woman
she has been oppressed, right? This is oppressive, that she's
been cheated on. Yeah, but if she chooses to stay, and she doesn't
really forgive, she goes from being the oppressed to the
oppressor. Because now, everything is fair game for her. Everything,
like she feels like I have, I have the, you know, the right to do
anything I say anything. And you can say don't get to say anything
ever again, again, and sometimes women become physical, with their
spouse, they become extremely abusive, they will withhold
intimacy. And so I tell the woman at that point, I'm like, such a
toxic situation, their entire point, I say, you're not only you
haven't, it's like ruining your dunya and your aha, like, don't
ruin your ACARA. If you can't, if you can't forgive, I get it. I
mean, that's, that's a lot to ask someone to be able to forgive
that, especially if they've been intimate. It's a it's a very
difficult thing. So it's better to recognize that I am not able to
handle this. And when you get a divorce, you move on, and you
don't become an oppressor. And that way you save your aka. And
sometimes women even become revengeful, where they're just
they start talking about I want him to feel exactly what I felt.
So they're willing to sacrifice their AKA, by I want him to feel
the same pain. And that's that is just dysfunctional all the way.
Let's stop ourselves before we get there, guys.
Okay, so this is a comment that one of the VIPs has made her think
is an interesting one worth exploring. She says, I've heard
from even non Muslim experts on marriage, that you shouldn't be
emotionally intimate with someone from the opposite gender who's not
your spouse? Because being close or best friends with someone from
the opposite * who's not your spouse will eventually lead to
some sort of connection. So how prevalent is that communication
that chilling that texting whatever? The emotional
connection? How well firstly, would you consider that
infidelity? If you create an emotional connection? Yeah,
there's nothing about infidelity. There's all kinds. Yes, yes. It's
very interesting, because there's emotional infidelity, right? This
idea of if you're investing your time, your energy into someone
other than your spouse, you're getting your you're getting your
fix, right? So instead of talking to your wife, and asking, asking
about her day finding out and just be connecting, you're connecting
with someone else, and you're getting your fix in that way. And
so it's interesting, when I started seeing so many cases of
infidelity, I started researching, and there was actually a
psychologist who talked about how to avoid infidelity. And I read
this list, and I just smiled. Because as I read the list, I'm
like, this is this is the slum. Yeah. All so I, and it's just it
really like Subhanallah how Islam takes care of things from the root
of the problem, right? Yes. I mean, you have I remember, in
college, they would pass out condoms to try to help with, you
know, avoid pregnancies, right? Well, the way to avoid pregnant
and then and they saw that it was not getting better. And there's so
many CDs, and there's so many issues, and it's like, and then
they finally said, you know, well, maybe we should practice
abstinence. Wow, what an idea. What a crazy song, huh? And Islam
always has the answer and always addresses things from the root of
the problem. So
you know, don't be friends with the opposite gender. This was a
non Muslim psychologists do not be friends. And, you know, I remember
I grew up in the US I was here from when I was seven, I went
through the public schools. I had classmates who were guys who were
girls, it was all the same in my mind. And I remember when,
initially I was becoming religious, this idea of an odd a
guy can't be your friend was was kind of a foreign like, why can't
they be my friend? Right? Yeah, I didn't get a very clear cut answer
because the person I asked.
God bless them. They're like, you know, if I teach her the law, and
how was your role model, you would not even ask this question. And I
was like, Oh,
thanks for that. So thanks for that.
Right, but then Subhan Allah after these past 25 years, I'm like, so
much wisdom, so much wisdom in not having a friendship with the
opposite gender, because the once the connection occurs, I have
seen, I have seen people that the men will have a like will cheat
with the wife's best friend. And this goes on for years years. Why?
Because they have their friendship she comes, she goes, there's no
like, you don't feel like there's anything to worry about. And so
that was one another thing is do not complain to another person.
Don't ever sit there and tell an opposite gender, that you're
having problems in your marriage, you're just inviting. You're
inviting problems.
Do not give compliments to the opposite gender, this is all part
of the list.
That will say do not go in the car with the opposite gender do not go
out and eat. Wow. Like What Did you
copy that? Right? It sounds like he did a copy and paste to be
fair. Yeah. And so you find that when the biggest lesson that I've
learned through all of those is one, no one is immune. I have seen
people who are Hafez up the Koran cheek, I have seen speakers cheat.
I've seen people with PhDs within Islamic studies it like none of
that. We can't say I'm above this or it's not going to happen to me,
right.
So one No one is immune to is that as long as you keep the who do
with Ebola, that's the only way to protect yourself. Yes, yes. Yes,
yes, yes. When you don't put yourself in those circumstances,
being alone with someone chatting with someone meeting up with
someone if you don't do that you don't fall into simple as that.
Nice. Nice, nice and simple, guys. Nice and simple spine.
So that was that's that's good. So so emotional. infidelity. We've
understood that obviously, you know, physical intimate physical
infidelity. Everybody understands that right? Would you consider
watching * to be infidelity? That is a form of betraying your
spouse. Why is that? Because, first of all, a lot of men see it
as as harmless. I'm not with anyone. It's not, you know, real
and all of that. But when you look at the research that has been
done, on the impact of watching *, okay, there's actually a
website called Your Brain on *. And it's anonymous site. But it's
very powerful in saying how, first of all it do, it leads to erectile
dysfunction in men who are 25 years old, they're young, but
because they have watched us and they have been so accustomed to
that level of stimulation, they are not able to get aroused by
their own spouse. Right? And then it is a very unfair comparison,
you have women who are surgically enhanced, you have women who spend
three hours at the gym, and, and just that comparison, when if I
mean, I would tell the men imagine if all day long, your wife looked
at men with, you know, a six pack, right, a six pack and they're
muscular and they're built, and how inadequate, are you going to
feel? Right in comparison to those men. And that's, that's exactly
how a lot of women end up feeling because they, they feel that they
are being compared. And it's a very unrealistic expectation and
even expecting the results that they expect, because, you know, I
tell the guys that this is like watching sci fi and wanting to act
out a sci fi movie, right. And, and it's just not realistic and
you shouldn't have those kind of expectations.
Oh, are you on mute? Sister Naima? As I was some sorry. Okay. May
Allah make it easy. May Allah make it easy for all of us to safeguard
our marriages.
So what is the work that you do with them when they come to you?
And they say, Okay, we want to fix this. All of those four are there
they're in place. What do you get them to do?
Well, it's always it goes hand in hand with my marriage program, the
five pillars of marriage because Okay, so when you do marriage
counseling, 80% is education. 20% is intervention. So I want it to
provide my clients a way of getting the education in a very
The economical way, right, they don't have to come to the
sessions, they don't have to pay for those sessions to get them,
right, get that information. So they start watching on their own,
they start making the, you know, the daily changes. And then in the
sessions, that's when we do the actual intervention where we get
them to really recognize, you know, he needs to recognize what
he has done, she needs to be able to evaluate how this impacts her.
Right. So there's a lot of internal work because I see them
individually, and then I see them together. And so it's about like
doing the internal work individually, and then together
being able to build or bridge that gap. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I love
that. And, you know, earlier you mentioned about safeguarding your
marriage, right. And you mentioned a few aspects, you know, not
talking to other people about it, and not complaining about it, etc.
Would you speak for a little bit on the issue of intimacy, because
I know that that's, that can be an area from either side that can
lead people to to stray, or just to desperate measures, like
escorts and stuff like that. And, you know, just like crazy stuff
that we don't want, basically, how common is that as as a cause for
infidelity? And what's your advice about that? Sure. Intimacy is a
critical aspect of the marriage, it can be the glue that keeps the
marriage together. And if it's not present, the person can, you can
have everything else, you have the friendship, you have the
lifestyle, you have everything, but if the intimacy is not there,
that person is so willing to leave the marriage. So it is a very
integral part of having a fulfilling marriage. And, you
know, many, many of our sisters do struggle with the intimacy from
the beginning of the marriage many times because of what we've been
exposed to what we have been told this idea of wanting to keep our
two girls chaste, and kind of scaring them into the chastity. So
there's a lot of work that I do and helping them overcome that
right over the fear the negative associations in all of that work,
right? And that's still prevalent in in like girls who've grown up
in the US and the and sort of in the West, or is that more in other
countries? Have you felt like it's even I have so many clients within
the West, and they still they have some of the fear because it's all
about how you were exposed to it. Right? So if someone scared you
about the intimacy, if someone made you feel like it's shameful.
I mean, I've had I've had sisters that they cry after getting, like
being intimate because they feel like this was they they've been
taught that this is the act of what bad, you know, bad woman.
Yes, you can imagine the words that they use to describe these
people. So there's a lot of work that needs to be done with
creating a positive association, of course, that it's not
necessarily there are exceptions. There are many people who have a
positive outlook, and they're looking forward to it. Right. So
I'm just focusing on that population that they may struggle
with it. Yeah. So we need to whatever and sometimes there's
issues they have Bachand dismiss, right, they have an issue that
there's painful *, and there are ways to resolve it. I
mean, yeah, don't ever ignore the intimacy issue, thinking that it's
just gonna work out, right. Just let me just get pregnant and then
I don't have to think about this anymore. Right, that's not the
answer. Or maybe he'll forget about and maybe he'll get he's not
going to forget about it. Right. And there's a long present. No,
I'm serious. I have I have
you laugh about it. But it happens because, you know, I've had
sisters have had Bachand dismiss, and they don't get it treated. And
sadly, I would say over a decade of not doing anything about it,
and the doorman is like sitting there just thinking, and then he'd
stayed loyal and didn't do anything, but it's just, it's not
healthy. It's not no, you have to you have to realize is not
sustainable. not sustainable. Not sustainable at all. Okay, so
there's that population
who have these, these difficulties from the start? And then I've got
these other situations here as well in the chat. What other
situations do you encounter? So sometimes what ends up happening
is that lack of emotional intimacy, alright, like lack of
friendship. They've fought that, you know, the man like has yelled
has told her mean things and then now there's like, I don't I don't
want to be intimate. So that's why it's interesting because what the
way we do it because Piper's I say first you work on yourself, then
you build a friendship pillar to do
God consciousness, if you're aware that Allah is watching everything
you're saying, and you're doing, you're not going to be selfish or
greedy in intimacy, right. Then fourth is conflict resolution, you
have to resolve your problems. Because if you have just had a
fight with your spouse, you're not going to want to be intimate, and
then the shift that all this has to be in place, then the intimacy
will be so natural. So yeah, and now I like what I'm hearing.
There's a lot of like role reversal as well. And men are just
as adamant about having that emotional connection. So some men
will tell me, you know, my wife just she yelled at me, she was
disrespectful. And then a nice, she wants to be intimate. And I'm
just not feeling right. Yeah. So there's a lack of trusting
connection, emotional intimacy. So that that's a big part of it. When
people are just not connecting during the day. And I always tell
the men like the foreplay starts. Right? When you wake up, how you
greet your spouse, what you do throughout the day, the text
messaging, all of that leads to her opening up. And for him, you
know, when you're when you're loving when you're respectful when
you are
filling his cup? Yeah, he's going to be more attracted to you.
Because yes, there's nothing attractive. It's interesting,
because one of the one of the lessons is all about like the *
needs, right? The top * needs for men and for women. And it's
not what you would assume. Oh, let's hear more about that.
It's not we assume it's, first of all, like this idea. A lot of
times, women think that men, they just, they just want to be
fulfilled, and they don't think about anyone else. Now, obviously,
there are people like that I'm not going to claim that there aren't
I'm sure there are. But one of the top six needs of men is for the
woman to be fulfilled. Yes. Right. And, and he won't feel like a man
unless he can fulfill his wife. Yes. And if that's a problem, then
that that sometimes leads to the infidelity. Well, I can't fulfill
my wife. But look, I can fulfill this other person. Wow. And then
another thing is the initiating.
A lot of times women are taught, you know, you need to be pursued.
And that might be a more traditional approach. And some
some women are very, mashallah very assertive, and they don't
have that. It doesn't hold them back. But there is that mindset of
like, oh, well, he should become after me. Right? He shouldn't she,
but there is a big need for the man that you initiate, because
that shows that
he's desirable is genuine desire. Yeah. Yeah. And that's good.
Right. And just that being engaged. I think part of the
problem is that some people will just see it as a chore. Okay.
I'm gonna do this so that the angels don't curse me throughout
the night.
It's that
because that is not good energy. Ladies, that is the energy we want
to see. Okay. No, no, no. Exactly. And so
Oh, can you can I just say for a second, imagine if the roles were
reversed, if that hadith was was was speaking to men, and you know,
your husband is ready to go to bed. And he looks at you and
you've got that look on your face.
Good. All right, angels.
You know, right. With resentment with city.
Not good. Not good energy. Okay. So tell us more about these needs
then so so there's the pursuing this the pretty only initiating
and then it's what I also talk about, like the polarity, you
know, the when a when a woman is feminine, and a man is masculine,
and it's not the typical things you think about, because one of
the most attractive things about a man is his ability to keep it
together. That he's, he's confident he's, he's not losing
it. Right. So if he's yelling and screaming and breaking the and
it's just like, it's unattractive? For sure. Right? For sure. Yeah,
cuz he's being emotional anyway, so he's kind of emotional control
and exactly, so we'd like to see a man who has it together that he's
calm his poise and that that's one of the most appealing thing and
then for a woman to be emotionally stable. Mm hmm. I do see yes, I
think that is a very good point because
crazy is not that attractive. Yeah. Crazy.
People like the crazy you but I think too much crazy. Crazy.
But, you know, and it's it's really it's interesting because
you find and this this is the area actually one of the reasons I
created the mindful Hearts Academy was because of the emotional
instability I saw amongst our population. And, you know, this is
the way I see it. I feel like we had built fortresses in our front
yards right against the shaytaan I have this allergy so once in a
while tears come, not a good allergy to have when you're a
counsellor. Oh, so Paula, I tell them okay, let me know when is
real tears. Okay, okay. So we have built these fortresses because you
know, the shoe have talked to us, we've taken the classes, we know
no one's going to mess with our, let's say our prayers, no one's
going to mess with my belief and Allah, no one's going to mess with
my head job. No one's going to make it and so we've got these
fortresses and the shaytaan cannot penetrate. But guess what, we have
the back door if the back door is wide out open, we're gonna attack
from and the backhoe is the our emotional instability.
Our emotional instability. shaytaan comes in and hijacks us.
And then and then then there's just become a mess if we allow
that. Yeah, yeah. So that that's very unattractive when someone is
not able to keep it together when they're losing it when they're
having meltdown when they're having tantrums. So when a woman
has a together, she is reasonable, she's logical, she can solve
problems, then, wow, that's like, poised
to fight. It's like, Oh, I like that. She's, you know, she's got
it together. It's very attractive. Yes. And I think that part of that
being, you know, having it together, is it translates to
being respectable, in a sense, like, yeah, manners, you know,
like a you have Adam, you have
you know, if that curtain of respect is torn down, it's really
hard to it's hard to restore it. But when your spouse respects you,
and when they're, you know, they're and it's has nothing to do
with how attractive you are. But when you're personal you could be
gorgeous, you could be gorgeous. I have like clients that mashallah
they look like supermodels. Yeah, but they don't have the
personality or they don't have that flaw. Or they, they're,
they're nasty in the way they talk the personality and the characters
and is unattractive. It's repelling to people. Exactly. It's
repellent. So tell us more about these needs. We're not gonna get
away from tonight without hearing about the needs on the men's side
and the women's plan. Yes. Well, you know, women have a need to
they want to be desired, right? So a lot of times, it's this feeling
of, you know, wanting that emotional connection. They want to
be connected. They want their spouse to feel like they care
about them. They're invested in them. It's not just about the
physical touch, right? So it's all those non sexual touch.
Whether it's the hugging the kissing the I had some sisters,
actually, I did a talk on this topic. And Masha Allah was a very,
very vocal room of ladies, Mashallah. And that was one of the
things they said they said, like, I have no problem with that. I
just hate the fact that that's the only time that there is touch.
Yes, I hate
actual intimacy. But that's not a problem. But I hate the fact that
I don't get hugs and kisses and holding hands and just, you know,
just to touch on the shoulder, whatever, any other time. He's
just not interested. And that for me just feels like why why is he
like, hey, right, because we have that need. And, you know, when I'm
talking about the the love languages to my couples, and I, I
tell the men like about physical touch, like that's my love
language. Yes. They always say that. They always say, and I said,
I'm not talking about physical intimacy, I'm talking about the
non sexual touch. And when you do that enough with your wife, where
you're hugging and kissing and cuddling, and obviously it varies
if she likes someone if she likes that if she likes it, but there
are some women who are not as touchy feely and they don't want
that. So you need to find out what is it that your wife wants?
Because I always say the golden rule. Do you know what the golden
rule is? What is it? The golden rule? Anyone? Anyone? The Golden
Rule happy wife happy life.
Well, that's a good one. That's a good
one to do unto others as you would have done to you. The golden rule
does not apply in marriages. Why? Oh, I think I know but I'm not
gonna say
is it because you
You do what the other person wants, not what you want. And you
give them what they want and need, not what you like, tell us. I will
tell you what, because you're a man or woman, you want different
things, you have different desires, you have different
expectations. So the biggest problem in marriages is when a
person when the husband does for his wife what he would want, let
me give you a perfect example. Okay, so imagine any any man I've
asked, okay? I'll say when you're crying, do you want to be alone?
Or do you want someone to be there? I want to be alone. Okay. I
don't want anyone there. Okay. So what did they do for women? Now?
It's kind of like 8020. Okay. 80% A woman, they want someone to be
there. They want them to be comforting and loving. And all
that funny person will say, I want to be alone as well. Okay.
And so, but let's take the woman who wants to be heard and
nurtured. And he's saying, Okay, I, you know, she's crying. I'll
leave it to her. Okay, yeah, let me give her some space. Let me
give her some space. And he's doing it with the best of
intention he's doing. I'm keeping her her time and space. But well,
how does she interpreted when she interprets? Care? doesn't care. So
one of the things I told my husband before we got married,
we've been married my shoulders, how botica love for 25 years? I
say Mashallah.
I always joke about that. No, but one of the things I told them, I
said, Look, if I ever tell you, I don't want to talk about it. I
really do want to talk about it, you just have to insist a little
more.
So I gave him the key. I gave him the key to my heart, because most
people they want their spouse to be a mind reader. Right? I want
you to read my you should know. And if I tell you what to do, it
doesn't count. A lot of sisters are like that. We can admit it,
right?
Yes.
It
is good. Yeah. If we're in a session, and I'm like telling the
husband, oh, it doesn't count. Because she told you, I said
hello, you're here to learn, right? You're here to learn. And
so we just have to be, we have to be a little bit more open and
receptive in this situation. Carry on with the needs.
Okay, so
the other needs, because you said that there's different ones for
men and for women. Yeah. And there was things that you didn't
necessarily expect, right. So what is a man's need in that area that
women don't share? And what's one that women have that men don't
share? Are there any that are exclusive to either side? Right?
Well, I think one of the things that a lot of
men may not express is that need of initiating and want to say it,
and a lot of times in the sessions, they will say it
privately. And it's even like hard to bring up with the spouse is
like, well, I just I want her to want me and two hours.
And the wife, what is she like she's been program, you need to be
pursued, he should come after you. And so she's thinking she's being
super like being feminine. But there are times that you you
really
now, here's the here's the thing, there are some women who will be
very frustrated because they say I always initiate. Yes, that's true.
I've heard that as well. I've, I've I'm always I always am the
one who initiate and say, You know what? It's good to be the
initiator. Let me tell you why. There's power in that. Okay.
There's power in that because when you initiate, you choose if you're
in the mood or not, right? You choose is not at a time when
you're having a headache, when you have a deadline.
Things you're gonna choose a time. Yeah, when you're in a good mood,
you're up to it. You've prepared yourself, right? There are certain
preparations I hope we're all doing to get ourselves to be
presentable. You and so, there, you know, a lot of times, I have
many women who have complained about this, and I say you need to
kind of reframe and look at it as as a position of power not in a
negative way, but in a in a way that you
you can choose those benefits you it benefits you at the end, even
if Yeah, I think if I may, I think of course, part of what may be
stopping her seeing that way is that she's like, I want him to
want me or him to want it which of course we understand. But if
that's not your situation, a reframe is really helpful. Right
and a reframe. It's just like well, Hamdulillah I get to XYZ
Yes, yes, yeah.
And you know, in maturity of the couples I have seen, there is one
initiator
and as long as the other person is not rejecting is not like
indifferent or doesn't,
you know, is not as long as they're engaging, and they take
part, you could, you could see how that can work that can work, I've
already we expect the man to do that most of the time, we expect
the norm because the norm that people expect is that he is going
to be knocking on the door, right every day, every night, and then
once in a while she's gonna open it or whatever. Yeah, it's a
running joke. But um, but yeah, so So that's obviously in people's
minds is normal for them to there to be one initiator, but we expect
it to be the man. And if it's not the man, and it's the other, then
it's kind of like, oh, maybe that's a bit weird. But hey, like
you said, make it work. If it works.
It works. And here's the analogy I like to use because
it's kind of like the person when you go out and eat. It's always
the person who is the wealthiest who will pick up the bill. Right?
And I was watching an interview Oprah's like, I always have to
pick up the bill. I wish just one time somebody else would pick up.
I can imagine. Yeah. But it's a position of power. She can do it,
right. I mean, it's to get annoying. Yes. You're like
somebody, please. Yeah. But if you look at that, that sense of
reframing and looking at it in a positive light, and as long as
like I said, you have a good relationship, and he's involved
and he's engaging and, and you are getting your needs met, because
what happens sometimes it's like, well, I'm not gonna do it. He
doesn't do it. And then, and then there's bitterness and frustration
and resentment that builds up and they're fuming. Why he's not
taking initiative. Yeah. Yeah, no, I can definitely see how that
could build up. Okay, so we've got a question here. And one of our
VIP says, What if the chemistry has always been poor? Cold, poor,
poor? People are Oh, our Yeah, okay. Yeah, you know, there are
some people I have seen who it was, like, let's say, an arranged
marriage, and they never had the connection. It never was magical.
You know. So it's not about like, let's bring back the magic. It's
not, it's not our, we're best friends. So, but I have seen
people evolve and change them. So even if it's like just one person,
I've got, I've had one person, let's say go through the program,
they change themselves. And guess what? Their spouse responds to
them differently. So the same guy who was indifferent, not getting
engaged, but she changes certain things about herself, then their
the reaction of the spouse will change. So just because it's been
poor, doesn't mean it has to stay that way. Thus, yeah, that helps
you can choose to do things differently. And even if he's not
on board, because a lot of times people are like it takes two to
tango. Well talk to this, because this came up yesterday. So are you
one of those therapists that believes that a marriage can be
transformed by only one person? I've always said that and it's
not. I'm not claiming it. I've seen it. Right? I have seen it
because when someone changes, it's like a chemical reaction. What
happens if you change one, one substance, different ones will be
like reactionary, the other nothing happens, right? And so
when you change yourself, your spouse is going to respond to you
differently. Right? Now, I it's not about like putting the blame
or responsibility on just one person. But if you're really
motivated, and your spouse doesn't have anything to do with it, and
you start making changes, and his behavior does change, right? If it
doesn't, then we have a problem, then then this might be an abusive
relationship. And if it's abusive, seek professional help. I never
tell people to stay in a abusive relationship. But I find that
people will just they will change. I had one lady she came, and she
was crying the first session. She's like, Oh, my God, my
husband, he sleeps in the other room. He's so mean, He's so rude.
He never helps out all of this. Within the fourth session
together. She came, and she was all smiles. And she said, I can't
believe that it only took a few small changes within me. He moved
back into the bedroom. He helped out with the kids. She had a big
medical exam. He's like you go, you go to take your tests. And
there were just small changes. Wow, marriage skills. When you
learn the marriage skills.
It's magical. It is it is I love it. All right. So another question
here is
Um, how do you build emotional connection and emotional
understanding so that intimacy can come naturally.
You have to connect, you have to connect with your spouse you need
to, on a daily basis, hear about their day, you know, there are
some of the some spouses I told them. Do you ever ask about your
husband's work? Is I can, let's say, let's, let's say for
instance, he the cardiologist, or he's a neurologist, do you ever
ask? I mean, that's a lot of pressure. It's a very difficult
job that like, No, I don't really, I don't really ask about or I just
say, How's your day? Fine. That's it. But when you start asking
about the things that are important to them, you start
showing interest, actually, those women who want to move in on a
man, what did they do? They will lag interested.
That guy says, hey, we'll be into the same sport that that
they add it's, it's this is this feeling of oh, my God, oh, my god,
we're so connected. Well, not really. But.
So if you want to win over your spouse, you really need to know
about them and feel connected. Yeah. Okay. I love that. Another
question. What if a husband and wife I find that they are not
compatible after getting married? Can you still make it work? Or is
divorced? The best option? not compatible? Is? A lot of questions
come up.
I would need to know so much more about how are you not compatible?
And it that would be very difficult to answer. Because there
are some cases where you can connect and you can try to make it
work. But then there are other instances where you feel like
there's just a total disconnect, like let's say, when someone I'll
give an example of incompatibility where a person let's say the woman
is on the dean, she wants to raise her kids with religion, and that
is her life. And he's like off drinking, he doesn't pray. He
doesn't want to be a practicing Muslim. Right? That I would say
that is, that is something that if you're that incompatible, it's
better to call it quits unless he's willing to change. Right? So
a lot of we do not get married guys, if that's the situation,
just just just putting it out there. If there is this mismatch
in fundamental values, Please fight, you should find that out
beforehand. You should know that beforehand. You you know, have a
kneecap with anyone. And yeah, that's when the vetting should
take place. I feel right. Yes. Okay, how about we take two more
questions I have two of my kids are sick at home, and I want to go
there and I'll fix things and soup. And
yes, please, you must do that. Okay, so a couple of questions.
How long should therapy take place with each person and with a couple
as a unit after infidelity?
Well, it, you know, it varies from person to person. However, you
know, I've developed a methodology. That is, it's very
effective, and I do it in a fraction of a time. So many
therapists would take six months to a year, I take 10 sessions and
handle light. So
it has to do more with the methodology rather than the amount
of time. Okay, so if you have a methodology that is effective, and
you're working on yourself, and you're connecting, then it's not a
button, it's not a matter of how much time do you need to be in
therapy? Because sometimes people are in therapy for like, two years
with yourself? Yes. Do you use any particular therapies like CBT, or
anything like that, of course, of course, I do apply the cognitive
behavioral therapy, but I've also along the way, devise my own
method, which it's a combination of faith based counseling. So it's
bringing the dean and then bringing the best of psychology
and this like, it's a beautiful marriage, because then it really
gets the results when we are motivated to do something for the
sake of Allah and to align. So it's like aligning ourselves with
our purpose of worshiping Allah and being the best version of
ourselves the best character, then we see different like really
amazing results and 100 law. Michelle, Okay, last one word on
this. Should a wife play hard to get with her husband?
What do you mean hard to get? Um, let's look in the in the context
of what we've been discussing. Let's just keep in there,
otherwise, we will be too general. I don't like the idea of playing
games. What's interesting is I one of the one of the reasons like my
I my husband chose chose to marry me he's like I could tell right
off the bat that you didn't play games. Right? So he had he had
talked to other sisters and and he just he saw that there was that,
you know, let's say playing hard to get and doing that whole thing.
And it I feel honesty and sincerity is something that is
very appealing and attractive. And when you go down this line of
playing games with each other and not being truthful, it really goes
along the lines of like not being truthful now can you be playful?
Absolutely do Can you tease one another? Absolutely. But to play
hard to get
I don't I would not recommend it.
I like that one day insha Allah I hope that we can have a podcast I
want to know about how you know your early life in your marriage
and how you and your husband met and got married and your early
years with the kids everything
he says it really well. The two of you on the podcast that's what I
want to see today guys. Love
you go back to your beautiful family may Allah bless you all
with every fan I pray that the coming year is full of green of
all sorts all kinds of green
please
I want to get you I want to get you this jacket please please guys
phone to me take it put it in the Super Chat guys send me to the US.
Stay with me. I was lucky. I would love to come to Texas.
Lovely being here. Thank you so much for having me and may Allah
bless all of you your marriages May Allah bring out the best in
you and may you bring out the best in your spouse and may Allah put
so much but I cut in this beautiful union and may Allah
bless you for helping so many sisters inspiring sending you
Virtual hugs
hugs received okay
what better car to buy
there you go guys, that's a nice ending I think mashallah I always
get sore cheeks having as is the holiday because I always just end
up smiling Masha Allah and I think definitely I would like to hear
just like I've heard system Ania man brother seeds, marriage their
marriage story. I got brother Daniel and Omaha islands marriage
stories also on the podcast if you're interested guys go watch
it. I got coach nother year and his two wives. I had their
marriage story on the podcast, masha Allah. So I think sister
Holly and her husband on next issue I love so where does that
leave us? That leaves us at the end of our three days. And I would
love to thank all of you for rocking with us for these three
days. I know it's been a lot but I pray Insha Allah, that it's been
beneficial. I pray that Allah subhanaw taala accepts the efforts
of all the speakers, and my team, and all of you who have been
sitting and listening and you know, kind of trying to stay, stay
plugged in while life was continuing all around you. These
talks are all on YouTube. Keep watching them, keep sharing them,
send the links out, you know, share your comments. If you listen
back again, you know, share your comments, we'd love to see them in
sha Allah, I will probably over the space of the year and we'll be
releasing the talks. And then you know, excerpts from the talks
separately in sha Allah, but for now, the live streams are on my
channel. If you haven't subscribed, what are you waiting
for? Go ahead and subscribe. Make sure that you like the video in
sha Allah. And I just want to say thank you to all of you and shall
I pray that this has beneficial and that it has given you what you
needed. Whenever we you know, make a decision to be somewhere go
somewhere. This there's something we're looking for, right? There's
something that we needed, and I pray that whatever it was it is
that you were looking for you found that and you've got that and
at the very least, you've heard a lot of inspiring, motivating, you
know eye opening information. You've been introduced to a whole
array of speakers and experts and experienced people and active
people in the community mashallah that you can learn from. I will
send an email out with everyone's links to their probably just
Instagram to start with and then some some gifts that they've given
us to give you guys
so connect with the ones that you benefited the most from, you know,
continue to learn from them, mashallah, they're all active. And
I will see you guys at the end of my sabbatical. Insha Allah so
thank you all so much for your support. And I pray that Allah
subhanaw taala accepts our
efforts, forgives us and allows us to return to him in the best way
but isn't Allah and forgives us for our transgressions forgives us
for our shortcomings and allows us to be reunited in Jannah insha
Allah you cannot reach me during my sabbatical I will be off line
completely. So I will see you when I see you insha Allah Subhana
Allah humara