Naima B. Robert – Advice on Emotions and Marriage for Muslims Candid Conversations E3
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That is not how the show is supposed
to start. Bismillah. Assalamu
alaikum
guys.
How are you? Welcome, everyone. Yes.
Blessed and grateful.
Welcome, everybody, to another candid conversation with myself,
Naima b Robert, and my co host, Nasir
Al Amin.
Welcome. We're doing it live today, guys. Yes.
We are. Brother Nasir, how are you?
I'm good. I'm good. And, look, I I
when we start off, since we're starting off,
I I want to say in the very
beginning
that I want to give a,
first,
a, a thank you to my lord,
and 2, a thank you to the chat
from last week.
Because the chat last week
was
intrigued
by my color of pink.
So they inspired me to have the color
of the week today for this show, and
the color of the week today for this
show, Masha'Allah, is yellow.
Yellow. Alright. We're going with yellow. Yellow today.
Yellow today. Okay. Cool. So, guys, let's play
a game.
Firstly, we wanna find out,
do you prefer the pink or the yellow?
That's the first
thing. And what is the color that you
nominate
for next week you get to choose? Maybe.
Maybe. If there's enough of you
that come up with the color that you
wanna see, mister Dapo's sporting next week, feel
free to, put it in the comments, and,
let's see what he what he surprises us
with next week. Guys, just let us know,
please, inshallah.
Bless you. How is our volume?
Are we more or less the same? Is
mine louder or quieter? Just let us know
inshallah,
just so we can make sure you have
the best experience.
And, yeah, because we're doing it live.
We've got some people in the room. So
a big salaam to you all. Please do
share this live.
Let's get more people on. We will be
opening the lines later so you'll be able
to join us on here. And we've got
some really, really good topics to go through.
But before we do that, it's the housekeeping.
It's the
like, comment, and subscribe. Let us know if
you're watching live. Let us know if you're
watching on the replay.
Like the video, give it a thumbs up,
and subscribe to the channel so we can
keep doing what we're doing inshallah if you
are getting benefit from the videos. Right?
So many of you have been watching the
videos, and I just love your comments.
There's this so much thoughtfulness
and growth that I see in my comment
section. So I'm I'm so grateful for that.
So today, we're gonna chop it up. This
is another episode of candid conversations, and we've
got some, some juicy topics.
Brother Nasim, what do you think we start
with Megan Wyatt's list
of their essentials for for marriageable men? What
what do you reckon?
Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's go
with that.
So, guys, if you're on my channel, you
know that this particular list,
sparked a lot of conversation on the channel.
I think there were about 70 comments, if
not more than that,
of people
either
saying, yes. This is the bare minimum,
or saying,
what a joke. This is not what sisters
are looking for. Okay? So, brother, I think
it's your first time seeing this list, but
I'm going to read it out to everybody
and give you the context of, you know,
the where this was posted.
So it says,
the bare minimum husband ready marital checklist.
1st, openly identifies as Muslim,
prays 5 times a day, eats and drinks
halal,
lowers his gaze,
plans for or is earning a halal income,
treats all people respectfully,
attends Jummah weekly,
fasts in Ramadan,
wants to raise a family on the deen,
wants to involve your Waleed or family from
the beginning.
So the context of this is that it
was posted by,
colleague and friend of mine, Megan Wyatt, who,
has been working in the marriage and coaching
space for a very long time. And
the post was
this was the visual,
but the post was
saying that
this is the bare minimum.
Why are
Muslim women being told that they're asking for
too much when they ask for this? So
she says,
why are women being told that this is
too much to expect?
What is the evidence that there aren't enough
practicing men to get married?
Since when did the basics become a you're
asking for too much list?
Are the advisers making such comments suggesting
that the majority of
our men are no longer playing 5 times
a day, skipping jumma, drinking, etcetera?
And if this is their experience in their
location,
why all the pressure on the women
to lower their basic standards?
Why aren't they telling the men, if you
don't shape up, no good god fearing woman
is going to marry you. You'll be single
because women want a man who prays,
lowers his gaze, eats and drinks only halal,
and earns a halal income.
The old advice of shaping up a man
is often given to women to her detriment,
and the focus is on being married
versus a marriage based on values to build
a family on.
So that's the context. And I can say
from my my research,
the sisters in on Meghan Wyatt's page were
pretty much all in favor of this.
There was pushback from some brothers, but we're
gonna get into that Insha'Allah.
But first off, brother Nasiv, what do you
think, a, firstly of the checklist,
and then what do you think of the
comment that accompanied it?
So
I I,
yeah. I so I think I think this
is
to say that this is a bare minimum,
I think it I think there is
a lot that's missing that's
more, integral and essential that needs to be
there,
that's missing. I mean, if these look.
So a bare minimum.
Bare minimum. Bare in mind.
Bare minimum. Bare minimum for what?
Right? Is this a bare minimum for a
successful marriage?
No. To be marriageable. To be considered for
marriage.
Yeah. See. So,
okay. Let's go through it. So openly identifies
as Muslim. Okay. Check.
Praise all times a day. Okay. Check. Eats
and drinks. Halal. Okay. Check. Lower his gaze.
I mean, so with it okay. Lower his
gaze would qualify that for me. You assist
him. What does that mean? It's not mine.
It's not my list, mate. So I don't
know I don't know what that means. Whether
it means that he doesn't, like, you know,
have female friends with him. So let let
me let me be that clear let me
be that clear right quick. Lower his gaze,
we need to qualify that and put what
that actually means because
let's be real. If I'm married,
I still have 3 slots.
My dean allows that for me. So is
if lower my gains is just meaning
traditionally
that,
I'm respectful to my dean, what it says
in terms of my look when it comes
to other women. Okay. But if this is
cold word for saying that you have control
over me and that
I don't have 3 other slots,
then this is problematic.
Okay. Brother Nasir, let me just say at
this point, it is too early in the
show for the smoke. Okay? No. No. No.
No. No. No. We do smoke from the
beginning. See, when you come on a show,
mash all out with a with a with
a oh, this there we go. When yeah.
See, you smoke from the beginning.
From the beginning. Jump. Let's go. Alright, guys.
You know what to do in the comments.
You'll know what to do. Okay. So I
don't know whether that is code. I don't
think so because I think that that's a
higher level that this list is referring to,
but it is ambiguous. Yeah. I do. I
think yes. And I think you I think
it's early in the show, so you're being
very,
cordial.
Of course. Always.
Always. K. Let's go through the business. Carry
on. So plan Because okay. As long as
we put a star by lowers lowers,
his gates. Right? Okay. So let let's let's
put this to the comments. Right? So those
of you who are watching live or those
of you who are watching the replay, firstly,
do you think that lowers his gaze is
a thing? Is it a thing that should
be on the basic checklist?
And what does lowering the gaze mean to
you if you do think that it's a
basic quality? Right? I think that's fair. Yeah.
Because I heard I I would never have
thought of that as a basic quality personally.
But it's on the list, so
let's let's keep it rolling. Plans for
or is earning a halal income?
You know how I am about finances. I
think whenever a sister meets a brother, I
think within the first, you know, 1 to
3 conversations at max,
conversations about finances should happen. So I I
like this on the list. Mhmm.
Next, treats all people respectfully. Yeah. You know,
see,
I don't like these type of
open ended broad what does that look like?
Thing just means that he has manners, to
be honest.
You know, he just he has manners, which
is, you know,
subjective in its own way,
but that's Okay. No problem. List. Right? That's
the list. That works. Carry on.
Attends Jumuah Weekly. Okay. No problem.
No problem.
Fast in Ramadan,
again, given.
Wants to raise a family on the theme.
Again, what see, what does that look like?
Right? What does that look like?
So I think it's too broad.
Once the involve Or or if if if
I may say, maybe not broad, but it's
subjective.
Because Yeah. Your idea of raising children on
the dean versus my idea might be different,
and it will differ
based on people's own standards, right, of deen.
But I think the idea is he wants
to raise a family, and he does want
a Muslim family at some point. Right? So,
yeah.
Anyway, the the smoke is coming from the
comments already, and I am gonna read of
the comments that came on YouTube that were,
like, rebuttals to this. So keep going.
Wants to involve your Waleed family from the
beginning.
Okay.
Yeah. See see, let me tell you what
my my initial reaction to this is. It's
because this this isn't getting to, to me,
the essentials.
The essential is mindset and emotional
regulation.
That to me is what we get to
do. How does he handle his emotions?
Because all of this stuff is nice. Look.
I give you the perfect example, and we
can get into this. The sister that sent
me the message should I read it now?
Would you like me to yeah.
Sister sent me a message,
and she said,
assalamu alaikum. I hope you are well, brother.
I wanted to ask you I wanted to
ask your help. How to deal with a
husband who is an alum, a chaplain,
but still has horrible behavior.
Then she goes in and she describes this
vulgar incident that happened.
And she says, how do I make sense
of this? There's no one to tell. I
don't want to ruin his reputation. I feel
embarrassed.
Our family and I walk on eggshells.
I know deep down,
these incidents
will be recurring, unfortunately, throughout my marriage.
And she gave a list of examples, but
this is just this one sister this week.
I've had another sister,
sister whose husband,
you know, is claiming that he's, within the
rights of the dean to discipline his wife
and
calling her vulgar names,
scum and and all of these things. So
you can do all of these things that's
on that checklist.
Right? Or you can
those brothers that, you know, are just these
two quick examples,
they would
everything on that list, they would check off.
Right? But you see the whole point of
of the her post was that
this is the bare minimum. This is like
level like ground 0. And what I'm trying
to do is that's not bare minimum.
Okay. Fair enough. Difference of opinion. But what
she's saying further is that women are being
told that they're asking for too much with
this basic checklist
and that they should be considering men who
do not
have these qualities, right, if they want to
get married. So they should stop being so
strict on some of these basic things
if they wanna get married. This is what
I'm hearing, and this is this was the
experience of sisters in this particular community and
in this chat. Right?
In sister Megan's community,
sisters who, you know, maybe in, you know,
Asian families or, you know, just in those
types of family setups where they're like, you
just need to find someone, you know, and
you need to stop being so fussy. You
know? If he doesn't pray 5 times a
day, okay. But, you know, is he a
kind person? You know, that type of energy.
So yeah.
Yeah. So so yeah. I, you know, I
would
I would push back and say, sis, why
would you even entertain someone that's telling you
that's why would why would this person be
in your circle of support or an adviser?
And that you would even give time or
attention to to listen to what they have
to say
if they're telling you to pass up on
any of these
basics.
Well, this was why the post was so
well received by sisters who are in that
boat. However,
the pushback was
from brothers mainly
and there was a a Coppain spanner.
I don't know what the word the name
means, but
he listed out his issues
with the energy of the post. Right? And
a lot of people thanked him for taking
the time to do it. So I will
I will read it out because it was
it was very you know, like, 29 replies
on his, and there's, like, over a 150
comments on this particular post. So he says,
I am a brother,
and this list
is not the list that we are talking
about when we say sisters need to lower
their standards. Right? Mhmm. The list is conveniently
missing
high level income,
tall, above 6 foot, nonsense as he says,
Attractive,
not like attractive enough, but the most attractive
I can get.
Status, so she can hear, oh, so and
so is your husband.
Hard on himself,
but easy on her when it comes to
religious duties,
as in who are you to judge me?
Allah knows what's in my heart.
Expected to do 50% of the chores, but
his money is our money and my money
is my money. Guys, give a a yes
in the chat if this resonates with you
in any kind of way.
He can't forbid her to go out with
her friends or family because that's toxic.
He should take her out every week. Yeah.
Toxic and controlling.
Yeah. Yeah. No. We can't forget that. He
should take her out every week, take her
on a vacation at least twice a year,
take her on a weekend trip every month,
give her gifts every now and then. Flowers
and cheap stuff don't count.
And so many other things, but it's really
too much to be asking for when you
see what we get out of the deal.
And this is what he said that men
nowadays on the market are getting out of
this deal. So he says
most of them aren't chased.
Okay? They don't cook or clean. Some don't
pray. They talk to men on social media.
They are entitled.
They can't take accountability
for anything they do. They don't truly fear
Allah
and easily cheat or do another form of
betrayal with the Abu Billah.
They are masculine. They are not respectful.
They don't have haya.
They aren't sincere towards Allah, a lot of
them. They want their rights, but they don't
want to give a man his rights.
They will display the secrets and issues of
the couple to other people.
They don't obey.
They play power struggles in the home. They
shame men into doing what they want.
They have feminist tendencies and refuse to admit
it. They are ungrateful like in the hadith.
And any woman like that should just pray
for a husband and be glad and grateful
that a man is willing to put up
with them.
So I think that he he takes the
MVP for the responses because as mister Nathan
said, thanks for writing it out so the
rest of us don't have to. And Yeah.
Basically all
is just people saying
absolutely
100%
and everything. And, of course, there are sisters,
you know, who are in the chat saying,
look, I understand what you're saying, but don't
generalize because
different women from different backgrounds,
age groups, etcetera, you know, they don't all
fall into the same,
into the same boat. So But isn't the
the beginning post a generalization?
I well, I think Hey. See. That's something
No. No. The post is specific to practicing
sisters. That's what she said. And Meghan is
is like I said, she's a colleague of
mine, and she's my generation. Right? She's our
generation.
Okay. We mean something specific when we say
practicing, I think.
I think that that that
that form of practicing has changed with the
younger generation.
I think that a girl who wears hijab
today
in our day, if a sister wore hijab
in our bayah, there's certain assumptions you could
make about her character and her understanding of
the deen and her practice of the deen.
Nowadays,
all bets are off. Anything could be the
truth of the matter behind the hijabs.
So I think that a lot of the
brothers are talking about the younger generation, but
I could be wrong.
Oh, thank you, brother Matti, for the 79
to 9 super chat. Does that love me?
But, yeah, this is this is this this
is the the,
that that clash. Right?
Because sisters
were
were so grateful to hear
their struggles
their particular struggles
being being articulated.
And then there's the other side of the
story, which is like, no. You're being disingenuous,
mate. That's not what you're looking for, and
that's not what we mean when we're saying
lower your standards, you know, and and all
the rest of it. So anyway,
you know, you're coming into this fresh. So
what what are your thoughts? And what do
you think of this I I think
I I I appreciate the brother who did
the heavy the heavy lifting for me because
that's exactly what what I hear from the
brothers and and in the groups that I'm
in with other brothers. Right before I I
came on, I I sent a a link
into one of the groups telling the brothers
to come
on, and that's more in line with what
I'm hearing from brothers. And, again, I like
this part where he mentioned about the account
the accountability.
Because I would ask a sister,
really, what is your support?
Remember what I had to always say to
you?
Women lie to each other,
and it's a it's a common phrase
a common phrase. Look. I'm ready for the
smoke, so you can lean into your mic
all you want.
Women keep other women single. Now I would
question
if the sister is saying
that she has people in her support system
that are telling her
to lower her standards below what's on that
list,
you have to be accountable, sis, for listening
to that type of woman.
These are her family. These are families and
aunties.
These are aunties.
Yeah. And and and you don't have to
listen to them. You don't have to give
weight to them.
You can so respect and this is a
this is an important point in terms of
a side note.
The dean says we have to be respectful
to our family and elders. That doesn't mean
that we have to listen to what they
say.
So I can sit in front of you
and respectfully listen to you, active listener, But
I don't have to then inform my decision
making based off of the absurdity of what
you have to say. That I have to
be accountable for giving weight to what you
say. So I think if we really wanna
be honest about this list, I think we
need to come back to the sisters and
ask them
why in the world,
in this beautiful world,
Would you give any weight to a sister
that's telling you that you need to just
sacrifice some of these basics?
That's accountability.
Well,
it's not landing.
I'm so sorry. It's not it's not landing.
What? The accountability piece isn't landing?
Yeah. Because now it's like, okay. The problem
is with you because you've got a toxic
family.
Okay.
Maybe there is something to be said about.
And I think I think can we be
fair and say that
right now,
what we're displaying is revert privilege
in the sense that as revert,
we are able to
actively listen to our family members and do
what we want to do regardless. Right? No.
I'm not agreeing with that. I'm not agreeing
with that.
I'm not agreeing with that because I use
that as I go through life, and we
use that everyone uses that as we go
through life.
We we we engage with people, and then
we make informed decisions on what's best for
us.
Right? We give weight to what people say
and what people do.
Right? And so our dean does not demand
that we give weight
to the absurdity that our family members can
say.
It doesn't say. Fair enough. Fair enough. So
with that being said, if you have 1
auntie or 2 aunties
that are telling you that,
why are you listening to that? Why are
you giving weight to that?
See, that that's the accountability
piece. So
instead
of questioning self,
I'm going to give weight to this and
say, well, the brothers need to and then
the second thing Because
and and I think that that was part
of the pushback was that,
and and people mentioned it in the comments.
Right? That this reads like a, where have
all the good men gone. Right? Muslim men
ain't, you know, like ain't whatever. Right? Muslim
men are trash.
That was the, you know, this lamenting that
there's so many good sisters and so many
terrible brothers. Right? So many good sisters and
they can't find decent brothers because those brothers
just not out there. And I think what
the brothers were saying is no no no
no no. Those brothers are out there, but
they're not the ones you want because you
want the top 10%, the top 3%.
You want the brothers that everyone wants who's
got not just this basics,
way more than this basics, and he has
the best of the dunya. He's got the
best of the deen, you know, and he
he ticks all your fancy boxes.
And and you have to also
acknowledge
that
maybe you aren't attracted to the basics.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. But but just can we pause
for a moment? Can we pause for a
moment? Because because I noticed you're not, you
know, on the, chats like you should be
because I see a chat here that said,
I agree with brother Nasir.
We need to be accountable for who we
listen to. I'm just, you know, it's in
the chat. Oh, actually no. No. I can
do something clever. I can actually show this.
Let's see. How's that? Oh,
very nice. For
that.
Yes.
Sister Ayesha says she'd be with you as
well. So there's that. And,
we We have that. We close the show.
Thank
you so much, for that as well. And
the himself,
Thank you so much.
Alright. So,
But but okay. Can we go back to
that point of accountability?
Like, one accountability of who you listen to
amongst your circle, because it's just not aunties.
Your girlfriends are saying that as as well.
Not yours, but girlfriends would be saying that
as well. And 2 accountability
in terms of
are you okay with the bare minimum? Is
that attractive to you? It it's not. That's
the thing. Let's be honest, ladies. Yeah. Like,
this is this is an issue.
And I've said this before and I'll say
it again is that
it's the it's the whole average at best
conversation.
Right?
At the end of the day, you know,
for us as sisters,
we think our sisters are amazing. We do.
We think they are amazing. They're beautiful. They're
so kind. They're so sweet. They're so clever.
You know, they're so intelligent. They're just such
amazing people. Right? Especially if they're kind of
achieved staff. You you just think they're amazing.
So our perception of each other is that,
sis, you just you deserve someone who's going
to x, y,
zed. You know, don't settle for anyone who's
not going to a, b, c. Right? And,
you know, sisters have, you know, I think
certainly women in general, but, you know, sisters
as well,
have,
you know, have high hopes, right, for themselves
and their families. Right? They they want the
best experience. They want the best marriage. They
want the best family. They wanna have, you
know, the best kids and all of that.
There's a lot of kind of up leveling
or wanting to up level.
So an average guy
who is content
where he is,
he doesn't fulfill her need to uplevel. Obviously,
it's the hypogamy. Right? So this is this
is what you're struggling with. And it's only,
I think, when you get to that point
where
you realize that you don't qualify
for that high level guy that you've been
hoping for. For whatever reason, whether it's age,
you've aged out or whatever the case may
be, and I don't want people to get
triggered about this. I remember, when I did
an interview with brother Mahdi and, he he
went in on that point about, you know,
you don't qualify, and the sisters lost their
minds. Right? But if we are frank and
honest with ourselves,
everybody has their own list. Right? For some
people, you will be the ideal
and for some, you just won't, You know?
And that's a reality of life. Just as
a brother will come to you for certain
reasons, he is ideal for you, and another
brother will come and for other reasons, he's
just not ideal for you. Same for
you. No matter how wonderful you are, no
matter what a great daughter or great cook
or or, you know, fantastic workmate or whatever.
There will be reasons why for a b
c man,
you're not ideal.
Right? And there'll be reasons why for a
certain man or certain caliber of man,
you can't even make it in the door
for whatever reason. Right?
It's only when you
it's it's hard,
but when you come to terms with the
fact that
maybe I don't deserve
what I always thought I deserved.
Maybe that window has closed
and maybe there is something else I should
be looking for. Maybe my standards need to
shift
so that I can get my outcome because
if I keep holding on to
what I've been holding on to for the
past 15, 20 years,
I may just not at all I may
not get it at all. I don't know.
What do you guys think?
Yeah. You know, another thing is, you know,
how often have you heard? Because I know
I heard I went live last week on
IG,
and one of the sisters was asking me
a question that, you know, what do you
do when your husband is, you know, she
listed all the number of problematic things.
And she said she was asking for a
friend. And, you know, and I immediately said
to her, you know, listen to what you're
saying.
It sounds like she probably skipped some red
flags in the beginning.
Right? And so I think it's important
to acknowledge that oftentimes,
sisters and brothers, we ignore red flags.
Right? We ignore, but it's clear.
So it's clear in the beginning that brothers
some brothers aren't, you know, checking off this,
quote, unquote, bare minimum,
list, but sisters are still doing it. And
I would question why.
I would question why.
Okay.
This is
this is,
this is not landing for me because
if we're saying
that
sisters,
women,
people in general
need to lower their standards or have more
realistic standards. Forget about this list. Okay? We're
not talking about the list anymore, guys. Okay?
We've come to the conclusion that this is
the bare minimum. It's okay. It's a good
bare minimum. It's fine.
We're not talking about this list. We're talking
about the imaginary list. Right? The one that
is based on your dreams and your visions
and your hopes. Okay? So
what I've heard a lot is people saying,
I lowered my standards
to date
or marry
someone of a lower class than me. Someone
I wasn't attracted to. Someone who didn't earn
as much as I did. Someone shorter than
me, someone bigger than me, whatever the case
may be. You know, I I realized that
maybe my standard wasn't helping. I lowered my
standard, and it didn't work.
I should never have lowered my standard from
the beginning, and I'm not going to do
that again. And if you if you notice
how the language of sisters who've been married
before, in general women who've been married before
changes,
it is that
I did that before.
Right? I made excuses before. I, overlooked things
before in the name of
accepting an average guy or accepting an average
deal or whatever.
And it came back to bite me, you
know, in the backside, and I'm not going
to do that again. And that's why you
have that phenomenon of women as they get
older
actually having
more
conditions,
higher standards,
and and being pickier as they get older,
which of course is is very,
is is is is very is very diplomatic.
So, I mean, it's it's very, it's very
problematic. Right? So what you know,
if we're saying that you, you know, red
flags are there from the beginning,
I don't know. I don't know. Who are
you listening to? Again, we're coming back to
the same thing. Who are you listening to?
Who told you to lower your standards in
that way? And why did you listen? Accountability.
No. Because we are saying that sisters need
to be more realistic. That's a conversation we
are. No. No. Okay. Shit. So so this
is my point. I think so this is
a gen this has become a very broad,
generalized conversation. So I think we need to
be
particular about what are we saying in terms
of
lowering the standards.
So, sis, if the first time, your first
marriage,
you lowering your standards was a brother that
occasionally
prays when people come over for dinner.
He goes out to smoke shisha
after he gets off work.
He barely spends time,
with his own family. He's always out in
the streets with his friends.
If that's what was lowering your standards,
since you didn't have standards.
So to then come back after that finally
plays out
and you get a divorce and then you
create these high standards and say, I'm not
going to lower my standards, and you have
in there things that you didn't have in
the beginning.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What?
Since you need a coach or a counselor
ASAP before you get married again, because
that is just it is illogical
to put it best.
It's illogical. Why is it illogical?
Be be because the reality is this, you
did not have to marry him from the
beginning, and that's a that's a clear indication
that you did not have standards.
Right. And and potentially
a clear
indication
a clear indication
that
it was a fear based decision possibly or
an emotionally based decision. So don't so that's
another thing. Let's not say I lowered my
standards in the beginning. Let's just say I
was in love in the very beginning.
And then that led me to not really
look at the red flags that were there.
Let's be honest. Again, we come back to
this this and accountability. Let's really be honest
about what it was.
You got Yeah. I like that.
Yeah. And I and I really like that
we've come to to that part of the
discussion because I think
one of the things that is such a
nidma
really from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in this
deen
is that marriages are not made
on a bed of feelings.
Right?
Marriage is not made on a bed of
of lust, of infatuation,
of of of feelings, of falling in love,
and all of that stuff. Right?
That's not what you marry for, right, ideally.
And and I'm grateful
for that because
we have something
that the rest of the world is still
trying to figure out. Right? Or that was
known at one point in time, but they've
completely forgotten about which is that there are
fundamental
things that need to be in place
for a marriage to be successful.
Right? We know what those things are because
the prophet taught us, right, and told us
what to look for. And our courting process
means that
if we do things properly,
we can keep emotions
to the side as much as possible.
We don't have to fall, basically, in order
to say yes. Right? You don't have to
be swept up in the emotion for you
to say yes or for your father to
say, yes. This is a good guy. And
I think sisters I wanna speak to the
sisters for a second here.
If you don't mind, I'm just gonna push
to the side for a second. Sisters, I'd
like you to hear me on this. Right?
Because you know me, like, I'm stepping into
my role as auntie nowadays, mashallah.
So I want to say this, what I
tell my daughters is what I wanna say
to you, which is
try as much as you can to cleanse
your mind and your thinking
from what you picked up
in the
movies and in the songs. Right?
Try your best
to understand that that emotional
falling in love that is depicted so amazingly,
so so vividly
in Hollywood romances and romance novels and in
songs,
that is not the love that lasts.
So when you hear sisters meeting a brother
and say, I didn't get the feels.
I did thing at a zing. Right? I
did I wasn't feeling it. Yeah. You listen
to the language. Right?
You will make a decision
to say no to someone, to not agree
to a date or, you know, to, like,
a meeting or whatever
based on the fact that you didn't feel
the feeling that Hollywood and Disney told you
you would feel when you meet the one.
Right?
Trust and believe
That feeling is a chemical.
It's it's it's a physical and chemical response.
It has nothing to do with marriage.
It has nothing to do with legacy. It
has nothing to do with marrying somebody who
is going to help you to earn the
akhirah. Right? It has nothing to do with
that.
So for those of us now, you know,
who are, like, you know, coming up in
the world, and I say this to my
daughter, and I know that it's hard
because the idea of falling in love is
such a beautiful idea.
And lots of girls grow up
hoping for that, wanting that, wanting to feel
loved and useful and all of that. Right?
And the trick is to try as much
as possible to understand that,
yeah,
you know, the way that it's described is
cool,
but that's not what I'm looking for. I
know that will come.
But the man that I commit to is
going to be one who is vetted.
Right, and who are we have ascertained
is a match.
A real match.
Not just, oh, you guys like each other
and you think that you're you're attracted to
each other. Right? There's chemistry. No. You're a
match.
You have the same vision. You're on the
same page.
Right? His idea of family matches with yours.
Right? You you respect him. You wanna get
on his page. You wanna have his children.
You wanna be part of this household that
you're building together. You see yourself growing in
the deen with this person. All of that
stuff trumps
the butterflies that so many sisters are still
looking for even on the second, 3rd, 4th
time.
So that's me ranting over.
Now that that that was informative.
You have a sister that says,
I'm that woman. No one told me to
lower myself with my own self image and
self
worth.
She probably had trauma.
Right?
Now, again,
right, this comes back to where I started
out in the very beginning where I said,
the list is,
it's it's nice,
but what's important for me is where the
person is at mentally and emotionally.
That's the critical part.
Because you can have all of that other
stuff, just like the the comment, the question
from the sister where she asked, you know,
how do I handle this this marriage with
my husband who's a chaplain
but has
horrible behavior.
That's
a thinking problem. That's an integrity problem.
Right? And and so
those that that checklist, you can have all
of that. But if the person doesn't know
how to regulate their emotions
and aren't mentally in a good space,
it means nothing.
Sounds good on paper.
But, again, we gotta come back to accountability.
That second wedding oh, so you you don't
wanna read that?
I'm waiting for you to to to pause.
So You know, you know, you can go
ahead and read because, you know, like I
said before, the men's perspective.
Says, I second what he's saying about accountability
thing when taking misguided advice
is displayed in the story of the girl
who refused to add water to the milk.
Nice.
I shall love it. I don't know about
this. What is this?
This is the story of the girl whose
mother wanted her to, water down the milk
so that they could sell more in the
market and, the Khalif Omar overheard the conversation.
She she said, no. I won't I won't
do that because Allah sees,
and Allah knows what we're doing and it's
dishonest. And, she ended up I think she
got a husband out of it, actually. He
was so impressed with her that he he
married her to one of his sons,
so I think that's what he's talking about.
That's integrity.
That's integrity. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And and that's
and I think that also speaks to,
you know, what we were talking about before
in terms of leadership and that talk that
speaks to,
which should be a bare minimum. I think
a bare minimum,
a sister should look for is integrity.
Right?
What is what is the the
does what he say match what he is
doing?
Right?
And where he wants to take the family,
what actions has he demonstrated
up into this point to show you that
that's that's what he can do. He can
he can he can meet that,
that goal and aspiration for the family.
And, the panel Mhmm. Go ahead.
Go on. You know that. No. I was
gonna say that this this is another point
I was gonna bring up,
is this concept of the integrity gap. And
I think that's a very important thing
for both brothers and sisters, right, in terms
of,
you know, what you're capable of and what
you say you want to do, your goals,
versus what you're actually thinking, feeling, saying, and
doing.
Right? And and where that gap is is
where that discomfort is going to be.
Right?
And that discomfort, that friction is
what you need to address. And the way
you address that is by understanding what is
that thinking process. What is that that narrative
that you're telling yourself?
That is often the blind spot
that
leads you away or
immobilizes
you from moving towards what your goals are.
So if you have a certain
family goal,
you have to question, is there a discrepancy
be between what you think, feel, say, and
do and the goal goal attainment.
And that gap needs to be addressed. And
that
when we talked before about leadership, a man
leading,
remember I said that a man needs to
be able to lead himself.
And one of the ways you do that
is understanding that you need to have integrity
and closing that gap between
what you think, feel, say, and do and
what you say your goal is. Right? Because,
again, there's gonna be discomfort
in between that.
Right? There's gonna be discomfort
towards goal attainment anyway,
But what you don't want is that friction,
that discomfort that comes with
being immobilized and that moving towards the goal.
Right? And that's where you see that lack
of integrity or that integrity gap, and that
has to be
addressed.
And, again, come back to where I started,
knowing how to understand your thinking
and how to regulate your emotions, because it's
often our thinking that gets in the way.
Hence what the sister said in that comment
that no one told her to lower her
standards.
It was her own self image,
right?
Her own self image is really just her
own thinking, her own narrative
that she says about herself,
right? And when that is faulty,
you then get in a space where you
overlook
the clear red flags, you quote unquote lower
standards
that really you don't even have.
But again, that's accountability,
right?
What do you think?
Yeah.
I think, you know, we'll probably while we're
having these kind of conversations are going to
talk about, you know, the the thinking, feeling,
connection, and emotions a lot.
But
we had
Mark today to talk about leadership and taking
ownership, right, which is linked to accountability.
And, you know, let's have a conversation
about,
you know, I had asked you,
what does it mean for a man to
lead
his family specifically.
Right?
What does that mean?
What does it look like? What does it
feel like? Right? Because I think that as
women,
we can make a lot of assumptions
about what it looks like, what it feels
like, you know, what it's like to be
in that position.
Some of us will have ideas on it,
some will have opinions on it, but I'd
like to hear from from you and hopefully
from the comments as well. What does it
mean to you as a Muslim man to
be a leader?
Yeah. It means to be in alignment. Alignment
with the divine mandate to provide and protect.
Right? And to be a steward over my
family.
Right? That's what it means.
And to do that with,
integrity integrity towards my dean,
That's what it that's what it means and
and showing up like that on a moment
to moment basis.
Right? And that's a lot of pressure. I
think that's a lot of pressure that often
sisters overlook.
They just see the,
responsibility.
No. We don't see the responsibility. We see
the control,
actually. Yeah. Sorry. Exactly.
The control and the freedom.
The control
and the freedom. That's how
it's seen, I think, from the other side
in today's world.
Yeah. Ex exactly. You're absolutely right. And and
they don't see the weight behind having the
final say.
Right?
And that's a heavyweight, because like I said,
it's it's about being in alignment with that
divine mandate, and that's not a mandate from
your family. That's a mandate from your Lord.
So that's a heavy weight.
And I think sisters awfully don't
don't recognize that.
Right?
So for me, that's what it is. That's
what it means to lead. But, again, one
of the things that I mentioned before is,
you know, the way in which you do
that
one of the many ways in which you
do that is being able to lead yourself.
Right? Because you have to set the example
for your family.
Right? Trying to get your family to follow
when they see that there's a lack of
integrity between what you say and what you
do.
It's it's
it's not authentic.
Right? It's not a best practice.
Right? You need to lead by example.
And that's what I think and that's why
I mentioned earlier about this integrity gap. You
need to always be looking at where is
there a gap between what I'm saying and
what I'm doing.
Right?
That's leadership.
That's putting the divine mandate into practice.
Sounds like accountability as well. Self accountability.
Taking yourself to account before you are taken
to account.
Yeah. Exactly. And that's what it is. When
you look for the integrity gap in yourself,
you're taking stock. You're taking accountability.
Right? You you're looking for
that place where you are actualizing
your fallibility.
And this is an important point, you know,
going back to the model. The model says
CBT says that we're all fallible human beings.
Right?
And so that's not something to upset yourself
over. That's something for you to accept
and then look for the spaces in which
your fallibility is expressing itself.
Right?
And that's also for your spouse to do,
to understand that your spouse is gonna be
a fallible human being.
So having a certain tolerance level for that
fallibility,
I think that should also be the conversation
around standards,
Right?
I have a certain standard in that I
can tolerate a, b, and c.
But d and f, I can't tell I
choose not to tolerate that. I could, but
I don't want to.
Right? But again, this comes back to mental
and emotional health. Where are you at with
regulating your emotions?
So I can accept the behavior, but I
can also choose that I don't wanna tolerate.
I accept the reality that has happened,
that this is how you are. This is
how your fallibility
expresses itself.
And I can either choose because I believe
the relationship, the marriage is worth it to
tolerate this behavior?
Or because I believe that this relationship, this
marriage is no longer worthy
of my time and energy and attention,
that I'm no longer going to tolerate this
behavior
as you try to change.
Right?
That's accountability on itself.
Yeah. And that's not having a false reality
about who my spouse has to be. My
spouse is a fallible human being and is
going to express that fallibility.
And just the last point of that, we
know that from a religious standpoint, we all
know that we're fallible. Allah created this way.
He gave us the means for when we
fall short what we are supposed to do.
So we know that. But we also know
that from a from a dunya standpoint, the
reality is no one gets out of this
life without making mistakes and falling short.
So being fallible is a reality.
Yeah.
Right? But what do you do when you're
when you express that fallibility in certain areas
in your marriage?
You have the integrity to be self aware
and be accountable and try to close the
integrity gap.
Or are you just, you know, flipping and
say, well and then you start manipulating your
your spouse?
I think something something that I remember noticing
a lot
was I remember a story of a sister
who she was in a polygamous situation,
and her husband was,
shall we say,
how should I say?
He likes things a certain way. Let's put
it down there.
So he ran his household in a very
particular way,
And
she
something had happened with him,
and she was talking about it. And she
said,
I know that he is struggling with this
particular issue,
but I'm not gonna give a brother a
blip.
Like, I'm I'm not going to let him
get away with that. I'm gonna make sure
that I get my heart. Right?
Basically, he just has to deal with it,
whatever the situation is.
And I remember thinking,
what is happening
in that relationship
that the woman feels
no empathy
for her husband and
whatever it is that he's dealing with. Right?
No empathy or sympathy to say,
you know, when he makes a mistake, for
example, when he he gets it wrong, when
he, you know, makes a wrong call or
whatever,
that that acceptance of his scalability
is is accepted. Right? And it's something that
is is is is,
is not a mark against him. Right? It's
not something that's used against him in the
future. Right? Something that's used to chip away
at the respect that she has for him,
etcetera.
It was it was something that I I
really, really struggled with at the time, but,
I think that there is something to be
said for
you know,
if your husband if you as a woman
have married a man
and you understand your role as Islamic,
understand that you have
agreed to have him as your guardian. Right?
He is your Amir as your Ali. Right?
Mhmm.
That comes with a certain responsibility
on you as well. Right?
It's not just him
making decisions,
running things,
and you get to
either do whatever it is that you want
or kind of, you know, push back or
make it a source of conflict or just
act out basically, like a child. Right? And
we had this conversation before and I was
talking about
a woman's role
in helping her man lead.
Right?
How do you help your husband to lead
effectively
by
being a good follower? Right? Being on you
know, playing your part on the team.
Right? Trusting him, respecting him, giving him that
grace as well. I think the word I
was looking for is grace. Right? But this
is what I'm what I'm thinking.
How does a wife
help her husband to lead better
in your opinion? And, guys, in the chat,
please feel free to to jump in.
Yeah. I I think I I think I
think most men will say, well,
accountability.
Like, be accountable for your emotions.
Be accountable for what you agreed that you
would do in the beginning of the marriage
that you thoroughly,
slipped away from doing. Be accountable for the
weight you've gained.
Right?
So I think accountability is a is an
important thing.
Right? Because that's a part of being a
follower as well. Just as much as it's
a part of being,
the leader,
accountability is critical.
Mhmm.
Right? And humility.
Right? Because, you know, oftentimes, unfortunately,
sisters get gassed up by their friends
who unfortunately,
with good intentions, be lying to them.
Social media is gassing them up as well.
And so they believe in this Disney fantasy
about what a marriage should look like.
Right?
So
that would be what I would say, you
know, and I would ask you though, same
question.
How can a sister be a good follower,
a good support to a husband
in this day and age where the Disney
fantasy is what's being pushed?
I think it is.
And the Disney fantasy guys, I think that
brother Nasser is referring to, certainly what I
refer to
is this idea that
a good relationship
for a woman is one in which you
are always happy
and your husband's main priority is your happiness.
Right? So everything that he does is to
make you happy. And I think maybe it's
in all cultures. I don't know. Right? I
could be wrong. But there is this idea
that
his job is to make me happy.
Right? His job is to make me feel
beautiful, make me feel desired,
make me, you know, feel good. Right?
And and it's his fault, you know, if
I don't. Right? And it'll also not only
is it his fault if I don't feel
happy, and he should be working hard to
keep me happy all the time. And if
you ever read song lyrics oh my god.
Song lyrics are the absolute worst, actually.
They're the absolute worst because these men
that make songs about,
you know, just let me adore you. Right?
Yeah. You are everything. You know, I'm nothing
without you. I'll give you a world. You
know, I'll fight. You know, it is that
song the blind Adam song
that we loved it so much when we
were young. Oh my goodness. It was the
most romantic
song ever. What was it? Everything I do,
I do it for you, and and it's
talking about, you know, just, you know, everything
I am,
everything I have,
everything I'll ever be is for you, you
know, and if you don't accept it for
me, I'm nothing. I'm dead. I might as
well be dead, you know.
And I think that there is a kernel
of that in every woman, every sister who
that's what she really wants, you know, in
in her
vision, in her dream. And but this is
the this is the irony, though.
What I would suggest
becomes the most attractive to sisters is brothers
that have unplugged from that from that Disney
fantasy.
Because the way they approach this is is
totally different.
It's still not the dream, though.
So even though she could be drawn to
a very masculine man
and and and and that's the fitra. Right?
That's her fitra talking where, you know, a
man who is on his square,
who is,
you know, kind of
yeah. He's in his masculine energy.
Fitra wise, it is attractive to her. Fitra
wise, she wants to submit to that. She
wants to be part of that. But it's
still not the dream, though, Garth. Like, it's
not the dream. So if she's unplugged from
the dream,
she can be perfectly happy and,
things can flow. But if she still holds
on to the dream,
No. I think Even though you know what
I mean? Like I get you because that's
that's gonna be the aspiration.
How can she get that masculine man to
fit into the box of the dream?
And attention is, he ain't going to No.
No. No.
He ain't going to if he didn't unplug.
Yeah. Yeah. No. That's that's not gonna happen.
But, you know, having said that and I
always, you know, I always say this, and
I think it's always worthwhile us remembering
that in the prophet,
we have this example,
this beautiful example of a man who was
all of the things. Right? He had the
balance of everything. So
it's funny when we talk about blue pill,
red pill, you know, masculine, beta, alpha, and
all of this stuff.
When we see how the prophet sallallahu alaihi
wa sallam comported himself
with not just his wives and his children,
but everyone,
He had the emotional intelligence
to know exactly what
the person needed. If they needed it harsh,
he gave it to them harsh. If they
needed it soft, he gave it to them
soft. If they needed to
be put in their place, he put them
in their place. If they needed to be
reassured,
he reassured them.
You know? So
I think that that ability
to
respond according to the situation
as the situation demands is is is a
very, very noble quality and, certainly, one you
see again and again throughout the sitar. You
know? The the the guy who came you
know, the prophet used
to I remember this. Somebody was I can't
even remember who said it now. But for
whatever the people admired,
Allah gave the the ability to to become
lofty in their eyes.
So for people who were
kind of warrior like and warlike and and
and physically very tough, he was given that
strength. Right? He could wrestle. He could fight.
He could do all of that. So he
got those people's respect. And then there were
the people who, you know, the people who
came and and he he taught them through
his actions that it's
okay to kiss children, you know, to to
to to be kind and to be soft
and to be gentle. Anyway, I don't want
to go on, too much of a tangent,
but
leadership.
That that that's a good tangent though
because I think that fits I think that
fits
specifically into what we're talking about. Because I
would suggest, and I think you would agree,
that we've been given a
Disney fantasy sometimes in terms of the description
of our prophet
It's this it's this one image of him
being this passive,
man that is,
given to his wives whatever they want and
that they were always happy with him, and
he was always this and this and this
and this.
Yeah. And that isn't always the case.
And it fits exactly what you say. He
gave people what they needed for that particular
moment that they were in.
And
unfortunately, we do a disservice to our sisters
when we try to create this
carved out,
utopic,
emotion based
view of him.
Right? And that I think that's very problematic.
And as a a simple example is when
it comes to him taking wives.
He wasn't going home asking for permission.
True. He was sending notice.
Yep. He wasn't asking, what do you think?
Am I wrong? No. No. It's true, I
said. Yeah.
Right. So we have to I I think
I I think we have to be mindful
of what the image of the beloved is.
I wanted to mention this one comment that
I saw.
Impose that to you.
This is a,
what does respect in a man look like?
So as a there you go. That's the
question.
The mic is yours. The mic is mine?
I think the question was for you, actually.
And I'm shifting it back to you.
Okay.
I would say for
listen now. In today's
age,
I think respect starts with cleansing yourself
of any
hate or malice or contempt that has been
built up by either
your experiences
or your education
or general society.
Right? Because I think we'd be surprised
how many Muslim women today actually hate men.
They actually hate men. Right? They don't like
the way men are.
It's a feminist thing. Right? You know, no
cap. They don't like the way men are,
and they wish men could be more like
women. Right?
From when you're in that energy, you will
not be able to respect a man
because all you see in him
is how he is deficient because he's not
like a woman. Right? He's not in his
emotions.
He's not communicative.
He doesn't like the same things as you
do. He's he's not kind of, you know,
in broad or whatever whatever it is that
you
are seeing that you're comparing to
what your your image of a man
who is really a a woman,
but who looks like a man. Right?
But has women sensibilities,
has feminist ideas,
you know, progressive ideas,
you know, sees you as an equal.
Right? Wants to be your best friend.
That's a woman.
Ralph, that's a girlfriend. Okay? That's your girlfriend.
But, of course, because you're a hetero, you
want him to look like a man and
have the good masculine stuff.
So
the first thing I would say is if
you have
any of that stuff lurking, it will be
very difficult for you to respect
your man and any man. So I think
that respect starts with
seeing men for who they are and having
a general light for them. Right?
Not wanting to change them, not feeling that
they need to be fixed, that they need
to change, that they need to fit you
or suit you. Right? So that's the first
thing. And then from that
comes
the
I want to say,
there's an energy,
right, that comes with it. It's not combative.
Right? It's not combative.
It's easier for me to say what disrespect
looks like than respect, but I think the
respect is that you listen.
Mhmm. You're okay with listening.
You're okay with speaking in a respectful tone.
Right? You're not trying to fight him. You're
not trying to prove something to him. Right?
Whoever this man is,
there isn't this sense that you and I
are rivals and I need to prove to
you that I am not the one and
all of that kind of energy. Right? Because
that is disrespectful.
You know, arguing back, speaking out of tone,
you know, being contemptuous,
being arrogant, being rude, all of that is
disrespect. And then the opposite of it, I
think, is respect. And when it comes to
your husband,
the the the the
the strongest advice I would have for any
sister is
Allah
has made it very clear the husband's right
on you, your husband's right on you.
Just as he has a right on you,
he has a responsibility for you. Right?
Mhmm.
So if
indeed
a woman came to prophet sallallahu alaihi wa
sallam, she said I do all these things,
and he said to her, how are you
with your husband?
And she said, you know, I do all
of the things and he said, alhamdulillah, because
that is, you know, your if your woman
prays her 5, etcetera,
she obeys her husband, you know, she she
goes into Jannah.
So that is something that is part of
your deen.
It's part of your iman.
It's part of the shaksiya.
It's part of your good character.
You cannot claim
to be a practicing
Muslim woman
and have good character and good and
be disrespectful to your husband. So it's not
possible, right? There are so many hadith that
lay out the right of the husband, the
rank of the husband, the fact that we
will be questioned about how we were with
our husbands.
So this is a very, very long answer.
Shouldn't have been this long. My apologies, guys.
But I don't know whether that answers your
question, but that's that's how I would how
I would answer it.
No. I I think that was a good
answer. That's that's that was thorough. And and
so
I I would say submission is first.
Submission to the reality that he is the
leader. He is the man.
That that's first and foremost in terms of
respect, showing respect to him. And then that,
influencing
or
being the pillar in terms of your tone,
in terms of diction,
and temperament.
Tone and diction are are clear. For me,
temperament is
when how you control your emotions
in the sense of
example when you bring things up and when
you don't bring things up. You know, like
we talked about before, there's a time and
place for everything.
And so I think for me, those three
things
are the essentials.
Submission is first, and that's clear off the
top, And then tone, diction, and temperament.
Do you speak to him with a tone
that's respectful?
Do you have words? Do you use words
that are respectful?
Right? Right? And do you are you mindful
of when you're bringing up things?
Right?
Are you choosing when to address certain issues?
Are you choosing
when to address his fallibility?
Because there is gonna be fallibility.
And are you choosing if it's worth bringing
it up or not?
Right? Because that comes back to the point
of what you said earlier in terms of
that example with the system.
You know? Again, a a side note that
I would give to people, and this is
what I give to clients who reach out
who are questioning divorce,
You can you can this is a framework
that you can kind of categorize things.
So
the first is
your spouse has problematic behavior,
but you're willing to tolerate it
because the relationship, because the marriage is worth
it. That's 1.
2 is
you're willing to tolerate the problematic
behavior
of your spouse or I'm sorry. You're not
willing to tolerate the problematic problematic behavior of
your spouse,
and you still think the relationship is worth
saving.
And the third is you're not willing to
tolerate the problematic behavior,
and you don't think the relationship is worth
saving.
That latter one is what's going to lead
to divorce.
The second one, the second category, which is
you're not willing to tolerate the problematic behavior,
but you think the relationship is worth saving,
that's the category that you need to get
out of.
The category you need to get to is
that first tier, and that first tier is
I'm willing to tolerate the problematic behavior because
I believe the relationship is worth it. And
tolerance doesn't mean that the behavior is right.
It's not behavior that you would accept
in the terms of you would promote it,
you would endorse it, you would do it
yourself.
It just means that you are going to
respond to it in a constructive way,
meaning
a way that is not disrespectful
in tone, in diction, in temperament.
So that's where you wanna get to in
order to address problems in the relationship.
Again, at the core of that, you need
to have, 1,
a sound way of regulating your thinking and
emotions, but also having some foundational
respect
and worth that you believe the marriage has.
So coming back to the answer, and that
was a long answer. But coming back to
the answer, I think it has to be
the element
of submission,
tone,
diction, and temperament
as the way that you show respect.
Agreed. And I think, you know, when it
comes to respect, obviously, cultures differ. But I
think that
you definitely do see that women of previous
generations knew how to respect men in general,
not just their husband, but men in general.
And this might be something
that, you know, the parents, the mothers, and
the fathers in the audience
wanna look at. Right? Because it'll be interesting
to see what kind of dynamic we are
building
between genders within our homes, right, with our
children.
How do our sons speak to their sisters?
How do our daughters speak to their brothers?
How do they treat each other? Right? Mhmm.
Is there an element of there?
Firstly,
this is the thing. Right?
So many of these issues actually
are resolved when we
actually practice what the dean teaches. Right? Mhmm.
But, unfortunately,
you know,
here we are. But that element of, you
know, respectfully
asking for things, being grateful,
you know, being ready to help, willing to
help, ready to serve
In all the different capacities according to our
roles,
are we
building that within our homes so that our
children as they grow up become used to
performing
those particular acts of service that men and
women
need each other to perform, right, and what
they will perform probably in their marriages.
So I think that's something for us to
think about, but I don't think that we
do think about it. I think especially with
our generation now,
we we we like our girls feisty.
Right? Parents find it cute when girls are
feisty, when they're we've got a bit of
an attitude, when they can stand their ground,
they stand up for themselves. And no one's
saying that they shouldn't be doormats,
but you may want to be aware
that she's building a habit of speaking to
people in general, but men in particular in
a particular way. And society
backs that up. Right? Because society, the society
we live in today,
is predicated on the contempt of men.
The contempt and the dislike of men. Right?
So girls,
even girls growing up who've, you know, had
a wonderful home life. Right? A really wonderful
father, kind brothers, and all of that,
they can absorb the attitudes towards men and
masculinity from society around them, Right? From the
films, from the series, from the Yeah. Yeah.
So something to bear in mind. Yeah. I
I think and I I think you touched
on this before, and I think it was
really good when you did it when you
talked about how are we raising our kids
for marriage. Right? Preparing them for it. And
I think that's an important piece.
I I think that's critically important because
some of the skill sets I I was
in a session the other day,
and the sister said that she doesn't like
to cook.
Yeah.
She doesn't I mean, like, let's be honest.
If if you if you really are serious
about being a wife,
how are you going into a marriage and
not knowing how to cook?
Like that's just,
it's just problematic.
But you will find a significant number of
sisters that would cheer that and say, oh,
well, you know,
I don't have to.
Yeah. She doesn't have to. And if he
wants to cook, he should get a a
maid or nanny to come in, and it's
not a part of the dean.
Yeah. The what I think the most I
think I had this conversation with my husband.
Hence why brothers
hence why our brothers are going abroad.
Yeah. Exactly. Which which was mentioned in the
comments.
Yeah. It was it was mentioned in the
comments.
But I remember a conversation I had with
Muhammad Hijab last year, and we were talking
about this exact same thing because those sisters,
you know, who are saying things like, it's
not my Islamic duty to clean, I don't
have to cook, etcetera,
they still want
a very traditional setup.
Most of them are not putting their hands
up and saying, yes, I wanna pay 50%
of the bills. I want to work. I
want to be responsible for the bills, etcetera.
No. No. No. No. No. Because when when
we're having that conversation,
it's very it's giving
that's your Islamic responsibility.
So I'm looking for a brother who is
responsible and who understands his Islamic obligations. Okay?
You know, that that kind of talk. Right?
But when the shoe is on the other
foot, and it's like, yeah, well, what are
you gonna do? It's I don't have to
do this. I don't have to do that.
I don't have to do this, which is
what the brother mentioned in the comments. And
I think that I've heard that. Obviously, I'm
not a brother. I'm not on the app,
so I don't know. But I have definitely
heard
sisters want
the good of the traditional setup, but I'm
not prepared to pay the price of the
traditional setup. So
we need to work on that as well.
Yeah. And I think it's very telling. I
I I I I'll be very straightforward.
Brothers, if you if you are meeting sisters
who are in their,
early to
late twenties and they don't know how to,
you know, turn on the stove,
that's a red flag.
That's a red flag.
Because then then I then I would start
questioning, how did her mother raise her?
Right?
What did her mother great mother, but did
her mother prioritize her to be a professional
or working professional?
I think there's always good I I don't
personally,
I don't even think that's a question anymore.
Certainly not in the west because
for sure,
the generation,
the parents of the ones coming up now,
they have done a huge disservice because
none of these girls out here are raised
as wives. That's the fact of it. Right?
That is the fact of it. Right? How
many and guys, let us know in the
comments if you agree, disagree, if you see
something different.
What I see is
even if the mother
was performing her role and was the head
of the you know, running that household and
cooking for everyone, caring for everybody, and doing
everything. Right?
She did not
make her daughter do it. She did not
want her daughter to do it. She wanted
her daughter
to not have to do that. She wanted
her daughter to have an education like her
brothers
and be able to be independent and not
have to live the life that she lived.
So I it's one of these things that
is is the pendulum swinging. When the pendulum
swings too far to one side, it starts
to swing back to the other side. Right?
And it goes to the other extreme.
So, subhanAllah, I
I never thought when I came to the
deen
that
and again, you know, we have a privilege,
like I said, where we were. Our dean
experiences is is very individual.
Right? We most of us
didn't
get into a context,
a cultural Muslim context that is has its
own established norms, its established rules, and you
just basically have to follow the rules.
So I I I I I accept that,
and I know that I'm speaking from that
place.
But
not everything that
the people from the past, especially last few
generations, not everything that they did
was toxic.
Not everything they did was bad.
Not everything they did
needs to be thrown out because that's what's
happening now. You see this generation just throwing
the baby out with the bath water so
the mother doesn't want her daughter to become
a slave like her
and so she doesn't teach her how to
cook. And along with not teaching her how
to cook and teaching her the skills of
homemaking,
she's also passed on her own disdain for
cooking and homemaking. Right? And her own,
like, shame around her role. And if we
are going to
this next generation, so my daughter's 13 Insha'Allah.
If this next generation stands a chance,
it is because
our generation
realizes that hold on a minute, I have
to be intentional about this.
I need to demonstrate to my children
how proud I am of the role I
play in this household.
And I and I and I want them
to embody that pride and I want to
make sure that
I teach and pass down the skills that
have allowed me to play this role. So
my daughter can play this role in her
marriage even better than I have. But that's
has to be intentional.
Yeah. I agree with you. And I and
I I think this this will be
I know that this will set off some
sisters. It it will,
bring up things for them.
But as you know, I I'm a firm
believer, and we trigger ourselves.
Right?
This is why I think
sisters should be raised to
do things for their brothers.
But I think it needs to be done
with knowledge and insight.
So simple example practical example is, yeah, you
know, you need to sometimes wash your brother's
clothes,
make his bed.
Why?
Because you don't wanna do it, And you
need to learn that sometimes
in marriage,
you're gonna have to do what you don't
feel like doing,
even something that you don't feel like is
best to do.
That's the insight you need to give your
daughters
versus
this false notion that we praise our sons
and that sons are better than girls. And
that girls or boys don't need to know
how to make their bed and clean their
clothes nor know how to cook.
Because I'm not an advocate of that. I
believe brothers should know how to cook and
clean and take care of themselves.
I don't think you should be dependent on
a woman at all.
And the more you know how to be
independent and take care of yourselves,
I also think the better choices you'll make
with who you decide to spend your life
with
or what women you decide to spend your
life with. Agreed. Agreed. And I love this
comment here. Women deserve access to education, but
that education shouldn't be the tool to free
yourself from marriage.
That's the comment of the night. I love
that.
I think that's that's really insightful.
And I also want to say as well,
you know, because I I struggled with this
idea of, you know, the girl serving the
boys because I remember
growing up in Zimbabwe.
And still a traditional society, the girls would
be serving their brothers and doing majority of
the house, and it used to impact their
schoolwork, obviously, because when they went home, they
didn't have the space to study and the
kind of, you know, the free time because
when they went home, they would be washing
clothes, cleaning the house, serving their brothers, and
stuff like that. So I always had a
thing about that.
And when we had this conversation,
I I I wanted to
I wanted to understand
the, you know, what role the tanbya has
with my own daughter and her her relationship
with her brother. Right? And the reality is
if I need my daughter to go somewhere
in a cab, I don't send her by
herself.
I send her brother with her. He has
to take her. Right? And he understands that
that is his role as a makram. Right?
Alhamdulillah,
they've grown up with the idea of, you
know, I I I'm responsible
for, you know, the women in the family
so they get
duty. Right? There's certain roles in the house
I never asked my daughters to do, and
I only asked the boys to do. This
is just my own personal thing, guys. You
may have your own stuff. Right?
But I think that
while we do push and, again, it's the
pendulum. Right?
We need to just keep a balance, guys,
right, and not allow the pendulum to swing
all the way the other way. So if
your sons
do
service in the house and serve their sisters
in their way, whether it's accompanying them here,
going and picking them up from there you
know, when my girls used to play outside
and somebody used to, like, give them a
hard time, they used to come home, tell
their brothers, and their brothers will be putting
their shoes on and say, who is he?
Who is he? What what what happened? What
happened? You know? And they're ready to go
out there and to defend their sisters.
That is part of their role.
So why is it demeaning
or embarrassing or humiliating for you to make
your brother a plate
for you to take him a drink while
he's studying?
So that's the way I got through it.
I really we're happy to hear what you
guys think of that.
Yeah. And and that what I like about
that is that's insightful.
That's being intentional
about raising children. And that's, I think, something
that I find is problematic
with,
some of the
the parents that I work with. Right?
Who who reach out to me for
private work, private consultations,
is that they're not intentional
about the parenting. They just default to what
is cultural.
And I think that's what a lot of
sisters have issues with. If they really are,
meticulous about what the issue is, It's the
cultural
issue, not the ding.
Right?
They deny the domestic duties as a way
to protect their egos. It's not a skill
issue.
I agree.
I agree. And it's a skill set that
modern women do not care to develop.
They don't care to develop that because
they're better than that. We are better than
that. We educated, we're intelligent, we're accomplished, we're
talented.
What do you mean cooking clean?
What do you mean clean the toilet? Like,
why why should I do that? You know?
So, Yani, there's a there's a lot of
un unlearning
that needs to
happen.
So And I think that's I think that's
I think that's really telling
that brothers like, I I really see a
a significant
consistent
conversation of brothers planning to go abroad.
Like, it's and and and I see it
with various age groups from young brothers to
older brothers.
And I I I wonder sometimes do sisters
know that? Do they really see, like,
this is not a
1 or 2 brothers talking about going abroad.
This is a a significant number of of
brothers.
The thing is I think that women in
general in society are very adept at blaming
men.
So all that will be said is
those are the brothers that couldn't match the
sister's energy. Those are the brothers that couldn't
get a sister in the west. They couldn't
get a sister to control.
That's why they had to go back home
and get a village girl who doesn't know
anything and is not gonna challenge them and
all of that stuff. That's that's basically the
pushback that comes. So yeah.
It's the brothers. The brothers need to uplevel.
Yeah. So just a side note, you know,
we'll we'll deal with the profile next time.
But for sisters who are interested, I do
have a brother
who's early thirties,
3 degrees,
accomplished academically and professionally,
based in the UK,
but,
will be able to be,
working online,
a high earner.
And if you're looking to get married
and you're 28 and under,
never married,
then you need to send me a DM.
This is a new brother.
This is a new profile. This is a
new profile. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I
got a I have a couple of brothers,
but this brother in particular, I also know,
from a personal state as well. Spent some
time with him. So,
sisters,
if you're looking,
you need to find yourself your way to
my Instagram and DM me,
if you're interested in that app.
Alright, guys. So you've heard it here first,
and we do have some. We were going
to go into a profile today. But, let
let's okay. Let me let me just sprinkle
some of the salt, okay, on this because
as
There you go.
Brother Naso shared a profile with me.
What did I say about the profile?
Do you remember?
Oh, what what yeah. The last one. You
you if what you
I do remember. You mentioned you questioned,
is he what he may be a high
earner, but is he willing to
spend on the system?
That's what you said.
That was one thing, and we could definitely
we'll go into that for sure.
But more so, this is this could be
completely personal, but I don't think it is.
Right?
The profile was meh.
Oh, okay. It
was like, it's not giving what needs to
be gay. You know? Like, there was nothing
in there that made,
that I thought a sister would
be like, oh, okay. And again,
yes, there was the fact that he's financially
buoyant, which is nice. You know, everybody loves
a financially buoyant, you know, provider. Masha'Allah.
Masha'Allah. But I wasn't sure whether that would
be enough of a draw
for sisters
to actually
contact you and say I'm interested. Right? And
please sisters,
in the comments, you let me know because
I wanted to know more about
his lifestyle because it's a polygamous situation.
I wanted to know what kind of a
polygamous situation he was looking
woman he's looking for, and all he said
was an age range and, like, he doesn't
mind whether she's been married or not. That's
all that the the information that there was.
And I thought, if you want sisters to
feel like, okay, this is, a, a good
opportunity, and b, I might fit the profile.
We need a bit more information
about what he's actually looking for. You know?
So that was the other thing that I
said. And,
I I'm also curious because
the interests that were shared
had nothing to do with a woman.
Right? And this is interesting to me because
I think that there is a a,
a disparity there. Right? And, again, guys, please,
if I'm off on this and it's a
delusional conversation, please stop me.
But
the topics he said he's interested in, obviously,
he he loves his job, the work that
he's in, because his interests are very much
tied to his his work.
But it didn't give the idea of what
being married to him would be like.
So if a brother for example, is interested
in,
I don't know, macroeconomics,
on a marriage profile,
I'm like, okay, dude. Like, what do you
want me to do with that? Like, how
is that, like, you know, what what is
They actually let you know he may be
making some bank.
But that's all that I know about him
so far except for his ethnicity and his
age is how much money he's making. Right?
Which again still doesn't say
what he okay. If a brother wants to
marry again
and he's looking for a subsequent,
this and, guys, this is, this is in
real time a back and forth between me
and brother Nasser because, obviously, I'm sticking my
nose
in. It's not my business. It's not my
profile.
It has nothing to do with me, but
I want us to put a profile on
there that sisters are gonna be like,
oh, okay. So That sounds really interesting.
I I want us look. I want us
to have this conversation. I like the What
this conversation?
They're not What he said?
They're not working the the work personality. They
need to know the home personality.
So so a couple of things. 1, I'm
I'm glad we're having this conversation. I'm glad
we're having it live.
2, interesting.
There's a comment here where the sister says,
does he shave his beard or drag his
pants?
So
I I just want you to just pin
this as a reminder
when it comes to what sisters are looking
for.
And
and so
so I would just say, sis, if if
I wanna put this nicely. Sis, I just
want you to I so I would like
if you're looking to get married,
I would hope that you would
understand that the dean is vast and opinions
are vast.
And I would I would I would hope
that you would look for,
more
important
issues.
Right?
And so and I'm willing to stand on
this
for whoever that has a comment. And a
simple example is this, is the the breadth
of our deen. So within the Malachy opinion,
this is considered a beard.
Right? This is considered a beard. So are
you talking about a beard that comes like
this, which is a different opinion, or you're
talking about Malachy part that so what am
I saying? Why am I saying this?
If you sis, if you're trying to get
married,
this is not what you need to be
looking at.
You need to be looking at what I
said in the beginning.
Where is he at mentally and emotionally?
Can he provide?
And I think you bring up a very
good question in terms of what is he
willing to provide? What is he willing to
spend?
Right? I think that's an important question. Now
aside from this, back to the point,
I would take ownership for that because
that he responded to the profile questions that
I gave him
and gave out to this as well.
So
if we're going to
to,
put post, profiles up, then, yeah, I think
I would love to hear from you as
a sister. What is it? Or the sisters
in the comments,
what exactly do you want to hear?
Because I also am curious, is it gonna
be the things that are on that checklist?
No. That's the basic checklist. No one cares
about that. But the Exactly.
No. No. Not that nobody cares about it,
but for okay. Let's let's be serious for
a second. I know that with your approach,
that stuff is a given. So the stuff
from Megan Weyer's list is a given. Like,
we that's not even what we're talking about
here. I just think
if we're bringing a man and we're saying
that this guy is
great marriage material
because he's being vetted
as a provider and a protector.
Okay?
Fantastic.
Now
he's passed that that vetting process.
Why would I be right for him,
and why would he be right for me?
I need a bit more of the personal.
I need a bit more of the home
and the vision for what he's trying to
achieve. So, for example, in a polygamous setup,
brothers marry subsequent wives for different reasons. Right?
I'm sure everyone knows this. And they have
their own vision for what they're trying to
achieve with that subsequent marriage.
Some are marrying because they wanna have more
children. Mhmm. Some are marrying because
they have a wife in one place that
they work and they work somewhere else and
they want a wife in the other place.
Some are looking for
companionship and don't want any more children. Right?
So there's this there's there's there's nuances to
it. So I if I was a sister
and I was in the age group and
I was wanting someone who could provide and
protect,
I would be looking to see, well, what
is he looking for? Right? There's some brothers,
some men. I don't know, actually. Now I'm
making stuff up. Right? I'm totally making stuff
up right now. But say there was a
brother. No. In fact, I know of this.
I know of a brother who wanted to
marry
again
because his wife was homebound because she was
looking after the children. He traveled a lot,
and he wanted to have a wife that
could travel with him because of a large
part of his work was all over the
place and he wanted to travel with her.
Right?
Exactly like Rupal is saying, maybe they want
the halal work wife. Okay. Exactly. Right? So
so that's what he was looking for. So
that sister,
she can't have young children.
Right? She can't be tied to one place.
His ideal match is somebody who has the
freedom to travel with him. Right? Who can
go here and go there with him. And
if that doesn't fit, then there's no point
making contact. Right? But at least you get
a feel for what it is he's looking
for. Right?
Similarly,
if the brother wants or, you know, you
you'll hear brother saying that I want a
wife who's educated in the deen, or I
want a wife who is a fantastic homemaker,
or I want my wife to be fit,
or I want to be able to do
x, y, and zed with me. I wanna
make hijra, whatever the case may be. That
allows sisters to see, am I a match
for this person? You know, can I give
her and girls, sisters, I'm
I want to
invite everyone
to instead of asking, can he give me
what I want? Right? Does he fit my
list?
Ask yourself, firstly, is this a good prospect?
Right? Just as a potential, is he does
he check out on paper?
And then
can I give him what he wants?
I think it's a lot more
it's a lot wiser of an approach.
What does he want? Establish that first.
What is he looking for?
Right? Is he that guy who wants to
have full time housewife and he wants the
homemade meals and he wants his wife literally
like cooking and cleaning and making an amazing
home,
if that's what he wants and he's prepared
to pay for the lifestyle, the question you
ask yourself is, can I do that?
Can I offer that? If you can't offer
it, be honest.
Bow out. That's not my bag. That's not
who I am. Right? Similarly, another brother may
be interested because I've heard brothers talking about
having
building businesses with their wives, and we've seen
it as well. Brothers working with their wives
and building up wealth as a family. Maybe
that's where his mind is at. Right? I'm
looking for a sister who, you know, is
prepared to work from home and, you know,
wants to build it. Whatever the case may
be. Like I said, I may be making
stuff up. But
the reality is that that allows a sister
to see, can I give this brother what
he wants? Yes or no? If he's looking
for somebody who still has a zest for
life and is passionate and loving,
euphemisms,
you have to ask yourself, can I bring
that to the table? Can I give him
what he wants? We know of brothers for
example who the first wife
for whatever reason their relationship is a dead
bedroom situation and he wants to get married
because he doesn't want to commit zina, he
doesn't wanna do haram, and doesn't wanna divorce
his wife. Let's call it what it is,
guys. Mhmm. Let's be honest here.
Right? How many of you have spoken to
a brother on an app or from a
a a some kind of contact and some
link?
And when you get down to it, you
realize that, oh, what's happening here is that
his relationship with his wife is physically non
existent,
but he doesn't want to divorce her, but
he cannot stay in that marriage not having
an outlet for his halal desires.
So he wishes to marry again.
Are you that woman?
Can you give him that? Right? And if
you can give him that, great. What is
he offering you in return? Do you know
this is this is this is the way
I advise sisters, especially the ones who are
slightly kind of more experienced and older,
to look at things in that very measured
way. What does the brother want? Can I
give it to him? Is this somebody that
is worth
getting on the same program with? Right? Is
this somebody who's yeah. Is this somebody whose
program
I I I wanna get on board with?
And if he is, what is it that
he wants, and can I give it to
him? Promise. That's as a start. That's my
my cheat sheet, and I'm done. I'm done.
I I think that's a great I think
that's a great a great cheat sheet, and
I I think that's a great question to
ask. I think that that speaks to or
requires though a level of humility.
Yeah. I think that requires
a level of humility
and also a level of self awareness.
Right? Can I give this to him? Can
I meet what exactly he wants?
And if I can and I want to,
why do I want to? It's another question
to ask.
Right?
What's the when you say why do I
want to, what's the utility of that question?
Because I'm always whenever I work with a
client, I'm always checking for fear based thinking.
Always checking for fear based thinking.
Right? Why do you want what you say
you want? Right? And that's important also for
you to be able to establish the the
habits to get what you want. Right? And
to show up as you need to. Right?
Again, to have that integrity.
But why do you want why do you
want to get on this program?
Right? That's an important thing. Where is that
coming from?
Right? Is that coming from a fear of
being alone?
Right?
Is that coming from a fear of I'm
inadequate,
I'm unlovable, and me being alone only validates
that.
So in order to
dissipate this
discomfort,
let me just soothe it by getting married.
Right? So why do you want to do
what you want? Why do you wanna get
on this man's program?
Not saying you shouldn't, but I just wanna
know why.
So are you saying that the fear of
being alone is not a valid reason or
fear of anything is not a valid reason
to to marry someone?
No.
No. It's not valid. No. No. It's Okay.
You need to break that down. Guys, I
don't do you agree do you agree? Let
us know in the chat if you agree
in the comments. What do you mean break
that down?
So fear so
fear, and I'm using fear in the context
of,
anxiety.
Right? Fear of the future. Anxious about what
the future holds or what it's not gonna
hold for you. Okay.
And that's an unhealthy negative emotion.
Right? The alternative
concern.
So you should so it's okay to make
a decision,
I mean, informed decision out of concern.
I'm concerned about my future. Right? So I'm
gonna make informed decisions in terms of who
I marry.
Right? I'm concerned about being alone in this
country.
Right?
But I shouldn't make decisions of who I'm
going to marry based out of fear.
Right?
Typically, when you're when you're making decisions based
out of fear, they're hasty decisions
Yeah. They're not informed decisions.
So I don't advise sisters making,
decisions based out of fear.
You shouldn't have fear about being alone. You
should be concerned,
but not fearful.
And and and that that comes back to
thinking.
Right? Because again, thinking, feeling connection.
Our thoughts produce fear.
Right? Our thoughts can also produce concern.
Mhmm.
I had a I had a sister that
reached out to me just the other day,
and she was
she mentioned to me how
after her first
marriage ended, she was a widow, and the
second marriage she got into,
was led by fear.
Mhmm. And she overlooked a lot of red
flags in the beginning.
And as a side note, this is one
of the things that I brought up to
her. And one of the things that I
I just think it's important to bring up
now is,
you know, for more
experienced,
mature sisters
getting remarried,
I strongly advise if you have children, especially
if you have daughters, but for sons as
well,
is to not live with the person initially.
So if you find a brother and you
have a daughter who's under 20,
roughly under 20,
who's living in your home,
it might be your best practice to
get married,
but live separately for some time
just so you can see that this brother
is really legit, the brother really is integrity
behind,
what he says.
Because if you're doing things in a halal
manner before,
there is some element of
who he is that you just won't know
until after you're married.
So there's nothing wrong as someone who's older,
mature,
experienced woman
marrying a brother, but deciding that, you know,
we're not going to live together at least
for the 1st 6 months to a year.
We're gonna no. We're permissible for each other.
You know? We can go out for dinner.
You know, I can meet you at this
particular,
hotel that we go to 3 times out
of the week or twice out of the
week, but we're not going to live together.
I need to see you as you are.
I think that's very important.
Does he have the means that he says
he has?
Oh.
Right? That's scary. Is he willing to spend
the money on you like he said he
was before him?
Mhmm.
And I think that's an important thing to
do to test out before you introduce this
man
to your kids, before you introduce this man
to living in the same
house as you are, whether he's moving into
yours, which I think is problematic,
or you moving into his
with your kids,
you don't really know the man.
So I think I think, again, this kinda
goes against the whole Disney fantasy,
but I would strongly suggest, sisters,
when you meet someone and you like this
brother and you met him online or even
you met him through your cousins or if
you met him through your girlfriend,
Notice the look.
Met him through your girlfriend.
No problem. But give it a year. Marry
the brother, but give it a year of
getting to know the brother before you bring
him into your home or you go into
his home with your children.
SubhanAllah.
Sobering thoughts and sobering words. I like this
question here. What if you meet his requirements
and standards but you're skeptical
about him bringing you closer to Allah?
Interesting.
I would love to know what's behind that
question.
And this is this is the interesting thing
here, guys.
And it it alludes to the other question
about the beard before and the dragging of
the pants.
Your Muslim
wife or husband
is a human being.
Right?
And I,
it's
it's interesting to
me to see how
how much we we rely on
a potential spouse
to bring us closer to Allah, to to
make us stronger as Muslims.
And I know countless
examples
of sisters who married brothers
on the basis of deen
because he had good deen,
because he was a student of knowledge. Right?
Because he was an imam,
because he, you know, he talked the talk
basically, right? He was around good brothers, all
of this stuff, right?
And they married him on that basis
hoping that because of who he was in
this respect, it would bring her closer to
Allah.
And I'm not saying this is the case
for everyone,
but so many of those sisters were disappointed
because their husband turned out to be human
at the end of the day. And sometimes
not a very nice human either because
unfortunately,
the outward appearance of a Muslim,
even the acts of worship of a Muslim
do not always denote what is in the
heart of a Muslim
and that's a fact.
And if you've ever lived in a practicing
community before,
y'all know what I'm talking about. We do
not have to go there.
Human beings are human beings regardless.
Traumatized individuals
are traumatized individuals
whether they're wearing the short stow,
reciting in the masjid,
half of the Quran.
The drug addict,
he still got issues. You know, the the
the the anger management person
still got issues.
So I I I worry
when I hear sisters putting this weight on
their husbands to be
because I fear that you are putting something
on him that would be better for you
to take ownership yourself
and not make
his business his prerogative. Not to say you
don't take from your husband. Of course. If
he teaches, if he shares, if he guides,
humbly love. But do you know how many
students of knowledge and du'at
and imams
do not teach their own families?
It's very common
Because that brother I remember sister a friend
of mine. She married a brother who was
her second husband and she married him because
he was an alum. That's the only reason.
She said I didn't like him. I wasn't
attracted to him, but he was an alum
and I wanted that for myself and my
kids. Turns out,
he was an alum at work and he
was an island on TV.
When he came home, he was a man
bruv.
Okay. He just wanted to be a man
and not have to teach and not have
to be an example.
He wanted just to be a man and
be himself and relax.
And she was bitterly disappointed because as a
man,
he didn't like, it wasn't giving, you know.
Like, as a man, she would not have
picked him, and she only picked him because
of his level of deen. And she didn't
get that from him because in his head,
that wasn't his role. His role was not
to come home and teach his that was
not his vision.
His vision was not that he was gonna
marry her and teach her and her kids.
His vision was, I'm going to get a
wife and that's what I want, a wife.
That's it. So
something that to think about.
Yeah. I think it is. You know, one
of the one of the goals that I
have,
and it speaks to what we talked about
earlier,
one of the comments.
The goal that I have on a day
to day basis with my wife is
to create
and maintain a comfortable environment.
Her happiness is on her.
I create the environment
for for her to have
the experience, the thoughts to create happiness,
but that happiness isn't on me.
I don't own that. I I in no
way take responsibility
for
my wife being happier now. I take responsibility
for creating the atmosphere
that will allow her to have the thoughts
and the experience
that's prime for happiness.
But I can't control whether she happy she's
happy or not,
and I think that's an important part.
Yeah. I wanna address this,
comment here
because,
yes, what is in the heart will reflect
in the actions,
But, unfortunately, as human beings can I just
make this point? You got it.
As human beings,
2 things can be true at the same
time.
A person
could feel
so much love for the Sahaba, for example.
Right? And be deeply steeped in Seera and
know so much about Islamic history
and still have
anger management issues. Right?
Somebody could love the Quran
and still be,
you know, whatever. Whatever you can think of.
Right? The the other things.
Whatever. Yeah. I don't wanna go into it.
Right? Could still have issues.
We're human.
Right? So
what is in the heart reflects on the
actions.
The good that is in your heart will
reflect in your actions. So for example,
any one of us here,
the part of us that believes in Allah
is wearing the hijab.
Right? Is praying 5 times a day. That's
a part of what's inside us.
But so many of us have more than
that inside us. We have other things on
top of that. And those things show in
our actions too. So that's why you can
have a brother who is in the masjid
who beats his wife.
That's why you can have a sister who
reads Quran all night and denies * to
her husband. That's why.
That's why those things can happen. That's why
those types of situations exist
because no human being
is only one thing. So
if you're making choices,
look at the things that really mean something.
Right? Character
means something.
Someone's
own set of values and principles that they
live by.
How they treat people, how they conduct themselves
is from the deen. It's part of akhlaq.
It's part of Islam,
but that really makes a difference to your
experience of that person as a spouse. Did
you do you see what I'm do do
you get my point, Madeline? So what do
you think?
Again, you know, I I I I come
from a
modality perspective.
Everyone is a fallible human being. So
that fallibility is gonna show itself.
There is going to be the element of
deem that you are attracted to, but you
also have to be realistic and understand that
there is gonna be an element of fallibility
that's going to be there,
and it's going to express itself.
Hence, and, with this comment as well,
giving it a year, giving it 6 months
before you move in with the brother.
I think that would be
a practical way to see what's in his
heart, all of the things
or a good significant amount of what's in
his heart and what's gonna express itself. You
get to see what his fallibility looks like.
And how bad it can get.
Yeah. I think that's that's a really real
question to ask yourself, right, when you are
you've entered into the marriage. Forget about beforehand.
Sometimes when people spend too much time in
the talking phase, this stuff comes up. But
let's say let's assume that you didn't wanna
do that and you wanted to make it
halal so you wouldn't fall into anything and
you did the nikah. Right?
One of the questions to ask is, you
know, beforehand is what can I tolerate? Right?
When you're in the marriage,
you get a chance to see how bad
it can get. Because it will be bad
sometimes. Right? You will have disagreements.
You will have misunderstandings.
There will be times when you're like, oh,
what on earth was I thinking? Right? Mhmm.
How bad is it then?
Can you tolerate it?
Or is it intolerable?
Right?
Is
the bad with him that he won't speak
to you for the day?
Right? Is the bad with her
that she cries and when you try to
hold her, she she she, you know, she
like she cut she moves away. Right? Or
is the bad with him
that he swears at you, right, or that
he hits you? Is the bad with her
that she starts to attack your manhood and
and and leaves the house and doesn't tell
you where she's going and she stays away
for 3 days.
How bad does it get, and can you
tolerate that? Yeah. And and and
how bad is my baggage? How heavy is
my baggage?
I had a faulty scale when I,
when I weighed it beforehand. I thought my
my stuff was a little bit lighter than
what it really is.
Maybe I'm not really
ready for healthy,
depending what I dealt with before.
Right? That's that's a big one. That's a
big one.
Because as I've said before,
some of us
need to do the work
in order to qualify for the better quality
that we're wishing for.
We have work to do. Right? Based on
our own experiences, our own mistakes, our baggage,
we actually don't qualify for the quality.
Right? We don't qualify
for that practicing
man for that that kind of established man
for the man who's gonna really protect you
and keep you safe. You don't qualify because
we're a mess.
Right? We're a mess. Right? So
doing the work first. This is what I
say anyway. Doing the work first. At firstly,
acknowledging that, you know what? I'm a mess.
And then secondly, how can I do the
work just to not be a mess so
that I can qualify for
and and attract
the quality that I'm hoping for? Does that
make sense?
It does. And and I think I think
the only part where I think you and
I disagree on on is I'm an advocate
of do the work,
get in that gym.
And if the right guy shows itself,
be open and honest and and secure the
deal
even if you're still in the process of
doing the work.
Fair. Because because because you never know you
never know what the brother can tolerate or
not.
Maybe your baggage for him is something he
can tolerate.
Right?
He knows how to finesse that. Another brother,
you may have done the work, and he
feels he still feels like, hey. That's too
much baggage for me. So my my point
is
do the work
and still look for
what you can qualify for or what you
want to qualify for.
Yeah. I I know that that's that's your
opinion on it. My concern is
if the work is not landing, if if
it's not, you know, if it's if you're
not that work in progress
and the work is not helping you to
make better decisions, you're going to keep repeating
cycles.
And the thing is, every time you repeat
a negative cycle,
it damages us further. Right? So sisters, for
example,
who,
we've talked about these types of sisters before.
Right? Ladies out
there who are maybe they've come out of
a long marriage and they wanna live their
best life. Right? And they find themselves in
this space where they are meeting men, where
they're having casual relationships,
they're they're settling for
weird stuff. Right? Like haram stuff.
Mhmm. The thing is with with the haram,
and I think we can all, you know,
in some
way, shape, or form,
acknowledge this and it resonates.
The more you do haram,
the more haram y you become.
Right?
The more haram you you consume,
the more haram y you are in here.
Right? So
after you've had 1, 2, 3, 4 cycles
of haram, whatever that haram is,
you're so messed up in here
that the halal doesn't taste good anymore.
Right? The halal is not your taste anymore.
Right? If you're messing around with bad boys
for example, right, who you know are no
good for you, but you get that dopamine,
you get that thrill, and you do it
once and twice and three times, it's like
it ruins you for the good guy because
now that's your taste, you know, that's what
you like. And it's it's a tough one,
SubhanAllah. That's why I say, once you realize
that that's your pattern,
you have to stop.
You have to stop and do the work
before you go back out there. Because if
you haven't done enough work yet and you
go back out there, all that's gonna happen
is you're gonna repeat the same cycle. And
it's more haram and more haraminess. Yeah. Agreed.
Agreed. And and and so
I would view it as
similar to what you're saying, but your your
your tolerance level for the Haram increases.
Right? And as it increases, then each time
you're you're you're
acquainted to and tolerating more of the things
that you, you know, shouldn't tolerate.
Yeah. Yeah. So I I I I see
your point, and I've had cases where
and I'm sure that you've probably heard of
this as well, where sisters who have gone
through a a a lifestyle that they wanna
get out of,
and they quickly go so far to the
left
that they choose a brother that,
you know, doesn't
that doesn't
that doesn't work.
Right? They choose a brother
that, you know, is so far from what
they were
accustomed to and their hard on lifestyle.
They're no longer,
open to,
or can, can content with this guy that
checks off all the boxes.
So they went from a purely haram relationship
and went all the way over to a
relationship where, look, he just checks off the
boxes. He Muslim he's Muslim. He has a
job, and he prays halas,
and same ethnicity.
Right? So I don't I don't I don't
I agree with you. Doing the work
is important.
But, again, the question becomes,
at what point, how much? Where do you
say, okay. I've done enough work. I think
that's part of what
and I think, again, every brother is going
to there was a comment where
the brother said, I don't think
a brother should have to deal with
Yeah. It's up on the screen.
Is it this 1?
Yeah. If a widower goes into a marriage
with baggage and she doesn't deal with it,
I don't think it's fair for the brother
to deal with. And the point that I
would make to that is, look, we're all
gonna have baggage. I I won't repeat it
because we I've
said it number of times in terms of
carry on and check-in baggage. Each airline has
different weight restrictions for or limitations for baggage,
whether it's a carry on or check-in, how
many carry ons they allow, how many check
ins they allow before you have to pay
more.
So every brother is gonna be different in
terms of the weight that they are willing
to to take on.
So and then this is the accountability
for the brother.
Look. Don't take on baggage you know you
can't handle.
And, also, don't expect not to have to
deal with any baggage.
Right?
Because that's unrealistic.
Yeah. You have baggage.
Right? Doesn't
matter. Every single one of us has something
that we're carrying. Right? Doesn't have to be
traumatic,
but you've got something. Right? And so it's
unrealistic
to have an approach that
I'm not dealing with any emotional stuff, Like,
I'm not dealing with any baggage. Well, you
also have coming with some baggage. You probably
picked up things from your childhood, things from
your parents' relationship, things from your own experiences
that are going to show up in that
marriage, and your wife is going to have
to deal with that As she gets to
learn you and know you and learn how
to be with you, you also have to
learn to be with her. She's a human
being.
Right? She's a human being and also she's
the bent rib. Right? She is of the
fragile vessel. So she's got that added extra
of emotion that you are as a man,
Allah Allah has written for you to deal
with that. So
I I want the brothers to remember it's
unrealistic to expect I'm not it's not my
business.
I shouldn't have to deal with that. Yeah.
I I think that fits in what I
was saying earlier in terms of human fallibility.
We're all fallible human beings. So by default,
that fallibility is gonna is gonna have some
baggage.
Again, the question
is for you as a man
to understand
how much weight you're willing to take on
for a sister that gets on your program.
And what do you want in your turn?
But you should be clear on that beforehand.
Sorry. Say it again. Say it again. And
what you want in return, but you should
be clear on that. You should be clear
on that beforehand because,
you know, at the end of the day,
you know, to wrap it up, we've been
here a full 2 hours. You know?
I feel that the time has just flown
by.
But the reality is, you know, these candid
conversations
are for us to unpack and
master
the human side of Muslim marriage.
That's why
you don't find us on this platform
saying a lot of theory.
Although we will. We will quote Quran, we
will quote sunnah, we will refer to the
seerah
but we don't
use this platform to teach things that everybody
already knows
theoretically.
Right?
We are interested in how we can apply
the theory.
Right? How we can apply the Islamic theory,
the psychological
tools that we have,
and our understanding
of ourselves as human beings
to have healthier marriages inshallah. There was a
comment that I wish we had been able
to talk about about I don't care. I
gotta address this one. He has no choice.
He signed the contract.
Look.
To my brother, please, and any brother listening,
never go into a marriage
never go into a marriage with the mindset
that you can't leave that marriage.
Never go into my never go into a
marriage and create the atmosphere
at home
that your wife isn't replaceable.
I don't care if that doesn't hit well
with anyone. No. It does not hit well.
Ladies, come on. Do we like that? Are
we cool with that? Do we agree with
this? This is I hear about that. Where's
Sayita Kumar? We need him. What's happening here?
Brothers.
That
Okay. Brothers,
never go into a marriage
with that Disney fantasy that you you reinforce
by pedestalizing
your wife
and that she is the the one and
only and that she can't be replaced.
You make it very clear there is a
standard.
Now I'm not saying you don't be gentle
with your wife. I'm not saying you don't
explain that standard. I'm not saying you don't
be patient with your wife,
but the last thing you do is allow
your wife to run over you
or find yourself in a situation where you
feel like you can't leave.
That's that's
that's not our tradition.
Did the wives of the prophet feel like
they can't be replaced?
Did he not get more wives?
Wasn't, the other prophet told to change the
threshold of his house?
And and didn't he do it like
that?
Soon as his father soon as she regurgitated
exactly what his father said,
he wasn't nervous about it, he just said,
oh, well my father said that, you know,
I need to let you go,
paraphrasing for those who are sticklers.
So brothers, please,
that's a clear example.
Never create an environment in your home
where your wife feels like you ain't going
nowhere.
Never do that.
If you do,
women despise a man they can control.
If you allow your wife to control you
or make you you respondless,
DM me. Let's talk.
This is so interesting. Right? Because and if
we get I don't want us to go
off on a tangent. Right? Because
on the one hand let's hope because the
sister's gonna be mad at you if you
don't. No. It's true. On the one hand,
our imperative is to lock him down. Right?
Is to to lock him down.
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
Your imperative is locked down your spot
and his spot. No. No. No. No. I'm
saying from this woman's point of view. Oh,
okay. I'm not I'm not adding to your
to your message. I'm saying from a woman's
point of view, your imperative is to to
get him. Right? To to lock him to
lock him in.
And women use different means to do that.
Right?
Taking up a lot of space in his
head is one of them.
Taking a lot of space on his calendar
is another one.
You know, making sure that, you know, your
needs are a priority if these are all
I think these are, like, survival tactics. Right?
So we do all of that.
But then it's this interesting
dynamic,
which
means that
you are no longer as the man, you
are no longer the the desired item.
Right? You are no longer somebody to be
to be worked for. Right? To be to
be pleased, to be served. You're not that
anymore. In fact, your job is to please
me and serve me and look after me.
Right? Because that's what we don't. Right? Oh,
yeah. Ruha says have a baby.
Exactly. Yeah. Lock him down. Right? Lock him
in. So so there's this interesting dynamic, and
I think what you know, from what I'm
hearing from what you're saying is,
if you as a man and I I
say this to my sons as well, you
know how it lands coming from me, but
I do say to them that, you know,
and I say to my daughter as well
actually,
the ideal situation
is where your wife
feels blessed to be
chosen by you. Right?
She feels blessed to have been chosen by
you and she thinks you're amazing. Right? That's
the that's the for me, that's the best
dynamic.
She will work hard to to be a
good wife to you, to please you, to
look after you, and you will do the
same for her, Asma. You know? Because when
a man commits, that's what he does. Right?
I think for us as women, we do
have a tendency to to become complacent.
And another thing that I was discussing with
a friend of mine was
how
easy it is for us, especially once we've
had children,
to view ourselves
in the role of mother,
sister, daughter, community member.
And we're working so hard in that area.
Right? And we do. Sisters work very hard,
and I I would not allow anybody to
take that away from the majority of sisters
who are mothers. Right? They work hard.
And they put a lot of time and
effort into their families in in the sense
of their children, right, and their home.
Agreed.
And what happens, I think and, again, guys,
feel free to disagree with me. This is
a theory that I came up with the
sister that I was talking to today.
When the brother
of that
hardworking super sister, right, the superwoman that everybody
sees and thinks, wow. She's a wife. She's
a mother. She got 5 kids. She's homeschooling,
she runs a home, she has a business,
she's all these things. Right?
When he
expresses the desire to marry again, for example,
there's uproar because but your wife is perfect.
Like, you've got such a good wife. How
could you do this to her?
And what I was saying to my friend
is that
although that sister may be checking so many
boxes and actually being a blessing to so
many people,
you may find that she very rarely asks
herself how she is with him
as her husband, as an individual.
Right? Because what is expected
is that the man will be patient.
The man will
be understanding.
The man will give up his hack. He
will give up his right because she's got
so much going on. She's doing so much
stuff, and it could just be the kids.
Right?
But there is an expectation.
A good husband is understanding.
He's always understanding, and he always,
like, prioritizes
her emotions and her emotional needs. Right? And
so it's interesting, and I think it's a
point of introspection maybe for some sisters to
say,
you are doing all of the things,
and may Allah bless you with regards to
that. But if you went to the prophet
and you he asked you, how are you
with your husband?
What would your answer be? Because I suspect
that a lot of us allow
the children primarily
and then the home, the family, the community,
the business, the social media, whatever else is
going on to
take away from the quality
of our relationship with our husbands. And
I could be wrong on that, but I
suspect that the dead bedrooms, for example,
the men who feel neglected, the men who
don't feel understood at home, the men who
feel that their wife just does not have
time for them anymore since the babies came
along,
that's what they're living.
And I'm open to being corrected. I'm open
to the pushback. What do you guys think?
What do
you think is the next step? I think
I think you're spot on. I think you're
spot on, and I and I and, again,
I come back to the point that I
was I was making earlier. I think a
part of
a man being attractive to his wife and,
sparking that arousal wise
and that is desirable.
Right? And a man that has or can
have options.
So,
again, point I was making,
never create a situation in your marriage where
your wife becomes complacent because she feels as
though under no circumstances you're not going anywhere.
Or that your needs will always it's normal
for your needs to always
come second, so, or 4th.
I think that's because that's a you thing.
Right? I'm gonna say, you know, if I'm
speaking to a brother, that's a you thing.
If you've allowed
your needs to be downgraded
to 2nd, 3rd, 4th, that's a you thing.
Right? She's just making it do what it
do and probably kind of responding to kind
of putting out fires and all the rest
of it. Right? It's your responsibility
as a man
to ensure that if you have needs, you're
having a conversation to say, this isn't where
I need it to be. You need to
have a conversation. This is not acceptable. Whatever
the conversation is, but,
you know, it needs to be had. It
needs to be had.
Yeah.
Again, I mean, you tell me as a
woman,
you know, you speak to women.
Is it attractive
that a man, you know,
creates this atmosphere where
you're the one and the only and he
doesn't have any options, and he's never gonna
go anywhere despite what I do?
Again, it's that same thing of the dream
versus the reality. Right? I can't even I
put your face.
The this it's the dream versus the reality
because the dream is he will only ever
be for you. Right? That's the dream for
most women. Right? That he will only ever
want you. Arousing.
The dream isn't arousing. It's not a trap.
But then you see but this this do
you know what this reminds me of? This
reminds me of the study that found
that men who help with household chores
have less * than men who don't Because
the women, their wives
gradually
start to basically find them unattractive,
especially washing dishes, interestingly enough. But there was
a study down on this. Right? And
for so long, men have been told,
you will be able to have be more
physical with your wife if you help her
around the house. Right? That's something that men
get told a lot. Help her more around
the house, she'll be more available to you
in the bedroom.
And what this study found is actually when
men play
more feminine roles,
their wives lose attraction for them. So it's
the polarity that is getting basically
destroyed by the dream because the dream is
that your husband helps you in the house.
Right? That you don't have to do everything
yourself.
Okay? You know, that that he actually doesn't
mind pitching in and helping out and doing
all of that stuff. Right? So that's the
dream. The reality
is something inside of you is like, ugh.
And then you don't fancy him anymore, and
you're not you're not feeling it anymore. Right?
And then, of course, you have another excuse
because I'm tired or whatever. Right?
So it's a bitter pill to swallow because
what you've been taught to want and wish
for and and hope for
actually ends up
with the wrong outcome.
Because you're now in a relationship where
basically you're you're married to a beta. And,
you know, if we're gonna use that term,
what is what is the the whole idea
of the the the weak man, the beta,
the second choice, whatever the case may be,
is that he's not his woman's first choice.
She doesn't want him like that.
She does not desire him in the same
way. He's good as a provider,
but the genuine desire is not there.
Right. Most men will say,
that's not where I wanna be. Okay. I
don't wanna be seen as just the guy
that does everything and makes everything happen, but
she doesn't really want me.
But I think most men will fall into
that
because of, you know, the way that they
carry themselves and, you know, the way that
they want their relationship. So And they don't
have men that will come on and remind
them
to not place themselves in that situation because
they gotta take accountability for that.
If you have a mindset that your wife
is the one and the only, and she
can never be replaced
if she gets out of line,
then you're gonna get that,
period.
This is interesting
because
somebody said, women serve men simple as. Yeah.
When you reverse the roles and serve your
wife and say she loses respect for you.
Now
if your wife is serving you, does that
mean that in what the brother is calling
the red pill marriage,
does that mean that the husband never does
the things that we see in films
where the husband actually No. Makes her a
cup of coffee? I can make him a
cup of coffee, you know, like, takes her
out on a surprise. Does that mean that
that kind of behavior is, like, no. We
we ain't doing that. Like, if anyone's making
coffee, it's you.
No. That and I think it needs so
there needs to be
balanced.
So this is this is what I do.
I don't mind sharing it, and I think
brothers should do that. And I know that
some brothers will push back against this. And
I I will speak particularly to what what
you just said. There's times when I wash
dishes.
And the times that I make a point
to wash dishes are once a week I
mean, once a month and when there's a
time of the month, a cycle for my
wife,
when or if she is pregnant. I know
that there's gonna be times when she's nauseous.
There's times when she just
is lethargic,
and that's gonna happen whenever she's pregnant. I
know that's also gonna probably happen
once 1 week out of the month.
So
there needs to be balance.
And my wife, every time I do it,
she praises me, tells you know, makes the
world for me because she knows that's not
my role. That's not my responsibility.
It's something I'm doing out of kindness
because I understand her situation.
Right? And I understand it's not something that's
being abused.
Right?
So I think there needs to be a
level of balance with this. It's not a
blanket, I'm a man, so I'm never gonna
wash dishes type thing. No. You have to
Yeah.
Yeah. And
passionate with this, for sure. And, again,
I go back to the example of the
prophet sallallahu alaihi wasalam.
Perfect
example, which is that he did that on
occasion.
So, you know, any man who says, you
know, I'm too man to serve my family
is like, okay. But you're not more man
than the prophet of himself. So And it's
it's same with finances. Just a side note
for brothers who aren't married yet, you know.
Same with finances.
Each month, you should allocate amount of money
that you know during the your life cycle.
You're probably gonna order out a couple times.
Right? And that balances out because the other
3 weeks out of the month, she's taking
care of things. So for that week, a
few days,
typically, 1st few days of of the cycle,
you know
that she may be
in the bed, barren, or in a lot
of pain. Why not make it comfortable for
her?
So there needs to be balanced there. Yeah.
But as a man, as the provider, as
the maintainer, as the steward, the leader, you
should know
that.
Right? Because that's not
rocket science. That's not something new women have
always been having cycles as far as I
know. So you know during that week,
allocate money towards that.
Same thing with pregnancy.
You
know, allocate money. This is one of the
things that you're gonna have to allocate additional
money to.
And I would question you, brother, if your
wife is pregnant and you still making her
regardless of how she feels, stand up in
the kitchen and cook.
That, to me, isn't Vaseline. That's not vanity.
But
what do I know?
Okay, guys. I think we need to wrap
it up here. Make sure that you have
given the video a thumbs up, left your
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guys.
Really, really grateful to every single one of
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May Allah accept our efforts and allow us
to, you know, to
to continue to have healthy,
honest
conversation grounded
in our deen and hopefully, you know, be
of benefit to the people Insha'Allah. But brother
Nasir, what are your parting words? What do
you want people to do?
Look.
A brother is trying to get to a
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So go over,
subscribe to a brother's channel.
Also, come over to IG, Nasir Al Amin,
just as it's written here. Sisters, brothers, if
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and we'll get the process started then.
And tune in next week for the next
show.
Exactly.
100% guys. We are out. Have a fantastic
weekend, all of you. Do share this if
you found it to be useful, and we
will see you on the next one.