Naima B. Robert – Advice for Muslims on Marriage Trauma and Dealing Infertility
AI: Summary ©
The speakers emphasize the importance of finding the perfect person and being open-minded in seeking professional help. They stress the need to be mindful of one's emotions and to be kind to oneself. The speakers also emphasize the importance of cultivating family traditions and finding a happy couple to avoid negative consequences. The speakers advise finding a richer life, finding a better understanding of one's values, and finding a connection to oneself and others to be a better person. They suggest finding therapy and support through various channels, and advise giving books to a couple who may not be able to process it themselves.
AI: Summary ©
It does that every
time.
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All right. So
today's session, this session, session 2, we have
2 s- 2 talks,
and then there'll be a break, and then
we have our long session starting later on,
Insha'Allah.
So that's lovely, Aisha. Are you ready to
introduce yourself and to take it away with
your topic?
Yes,
Alright. So let me get us recording for
you and,
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Is it recording?
Okay. To everyone.
It's
a great pleasure. I'm really honored to be
one of the speakers for this conference.
My name is Aisha Adams,
and I am a trauma recovery therapist
as well as a community development professional.
And today, I'm going to be speaking to
you about healing from marriage
trauma.
Well, I forgot to mention that I'm also
an author of a number of books,
and my first book was actually on a
topic that spoke to marriage, and it was
the white elephant.
But that's not what we're talking about here
now. Today, we're talking about
healing from marriage trauma, and I plan to
speak
my talk is going to be in 3
parts.
So part 1 is going to touch on
marriage being beautiful,
however, it has havocs, and this will be
addressed in singles.
The second part of the talk will be
addressing
marriage
married people, and the third part of the
talk will be addressing
people that are divorced.
So
you know, before
I got married, I remembered
whenever I had I got an invitation to,
you know, come for a new car, I
will have this big smile on my face,
and then I will just
zap into this dreamland imagining
how
okay.
I I got distracted.
So I would imagine how, you know, marriage
would be for me. And when I if
it's a close friend of mine who is
getting married and I get to, you know,
see her off to her husband's house, I
will go back home just just imagining really
because I was this hopeless romantic who used
to read a lot of novels
and
I came to realize that
what we tend to read in the books
is often like a far cry from what
then happens in our marriages. And so the
question is, what what are the things that
we can do better
such that
the dream
remains the same when we get into marriage.
And I think the first thing for me
is that it's important that
before you get into any relationship, be it
friendship, be it marriage, that you know who
you really are.
In my work with people,
who have, you know, experienced one level of
trauma or the other, and most of the
people that I work with, for some reason,
tend to have experienced
relationship issues.
I noticed that many of them often go
into relationships, and I am one of those
people,
because I I did that as well. I
made that mistake.
We go into relationships
expecting
having this huge expectations from the people that
we're going into the marriage with.
And just last week, I was having a
discussion with her sister, and she said, but
but we're told that, you know, marriage is
50% of our din. I was like, yes.
Marriage is 50% of our din, but this
doesn't mean
that you are incomplete when you get into
marriage.
So let me just take that again. So
although marriage is 50% of our din, this
does not mean that you are at 50%
when you're going into the marriage.
So you are complete when you're going into
a marriage or any relationship.
You are complete.
Marriage doesn't complete you. It adds
value to what you already have been like.
It complements you.
And this mistake is is why oftentimes we
then get into relationships we have no business
going into, and then it hit the rock
at some point. And so my first advice
for singles who are listening to the talk
would be that, number 1, make sure you
get to know who you really are before
you enter any relationship,
and be be be comfortable with the person
that you are.
The second thing I would advise is it's
important that you take things slowly.
Like, gosh.
We meet
this person, and we have butterflies, and we
just assume that it's, like, the movies,
and so we would live happily ever after.
Yes.
Happily ever hap
happily ever after happens, but only when you
are invested. So it requires work. So you
need to take things slowly. You need to
get to you need to observe the person.
You need to, get clear on who is
this person. How does this person? How does
this person? How does this person? How does
this person? How does this person? How does
this person? How does this person? How does
this person? How does this person? How does
this person
get clear on who is this person? How
does this person's
personality fit with my own? How do we
complement one another? What values does this person
have that goes in line with my values?
You know, we think that opposites attract, but
usually I'll I say opposite attracts only in
physics.
You know, in real life,
when you meet someone
who
is completely opposite to you, you find that,
gosh, we don't have anything in common. We
said those kinds of things. But how come
when we're getting married, we're like, oh, you
know what?
He's he's different from me, and I think
it is good. And then we'll get in
and then find out that, oh, no. I
should have I should never have gotten to
this marriage. We're so opposite and we don't
have anything in common. It is so important
that when you're getting into any relationship that
you are that person that you're getting into
And oftentimes,
if that had happened before the marriage, then
when you're in marriage, it's easier to nurture
and grow the relationship.
Another thing I would, you know, talk about
would be that it's important that
you pay attention to the red flags.
The red flags are usually there.
Sometimes we miss it because we are infatuated.
Sometimes we miss it because we are not
paying attention.
Sometimes we miss it because
we assume
that the person will change.
So we go in with this assumption that,
you know what? I'm just going to, you
know, go in with him, and he's just
gonna get better,
or you know what? She's just going to
change.
I beg to differ.
See? If you see a person in a
particular way before you get married,
understand that this is who they are.
And this is someone who is probably in
their twenties, their thirties, their forties.
They have been this way for a long
time.
You shouldn't think that you're just gonna come
with a magic wand and panel, and this
person is just gonna become different suddenly. No.
It doesn't happen.
Change is gradual. And so and that change,
even when it happens, has to come from
that person.
So why are you putting yourself in trouble
by getting married to someone that you can
clearly see is going to
treat you in ways that you do not
accept. You see that, oh, this person is
usually very,
very,
disrespectful
when he's angry or when she's angry, and
you go in because you're like, you know
what? I'm going to help this person get
better.
You were not called to be in a
bee. I am not saying that we cannot
give advice to one another. I'm not saying
that there is a perfect person out there,
but I am saying that when you see
that personality of this person, the adab of
this person more importantly,
goes against your person. Like, this is these
are some things that you would not ordinarily
tolerate,
then why are you getting married to this
kind of person?
And so you love the person. Love needs
to be watered.
It needs to be watered with good character,
with compassion, with kindness. It needs to be
watered, and the watering,
it would go dead when the watering is
absent.
And so when you're going into a relationship
with this person that you can clearly see
has red flags, you know, the red signs
are there, you know, just blinking in your
eyes, And you're like, oh, you know what?
And Insha'Allah,
he's going to change and all of that.
And then you get in and you find
that panel that this guy is stuck in
his ways, and then you have
a broken heart at the end of the
day. A good number of us got into
a relationship like that, and then we're here
and trying to fix it.
And another thing I would say is that
please do not settle.
A lot of the time, people go like,
oh, but but I'm not perfect, so I
don't expect to marry a perfect person. True.
However, you can marry a person who is
deserving of you,
deserving of you. You do not sell yourself
cheap or settle
because you think that, you know, I'm too
old. Who would marry me? Who wouldn't marry
you? It's the question.
It's not a question of who would who
would eventually settle down with me. It's a
question of who is that amazing person who
is going to meet me and find out
that I am the best thing after bread
and butter. It's not like
but the point is, who is going to
see me and say, you know what? This
is the best thing that ever happened to
me, and I'm going to be with her
or I'm going to be with him. So
it's important that when we are getting right
now, sister's panel, I think a lot of
us do these things where we're like, well,
you know what time is running out. My
family is putting pressure on me. Your family
might put pressure on you to get married,
but when the chips are down, when things
are going wrong, when you're in the marriage,
you're going to be the one sleeping on
that bed by yourself. There will be no
one. You cannot say, oh, you know what?
They convinced me. Oh, you know what? They
asked me. You cannot
blame anybody at that point. And so this
is an important time where you fight for
yourself. You fight for what you believe in
to be your ideal partner, and you are
patient, Allah.
You should understand that when you're asking, you're
ask asking the robbabe, the one who is
able to do everything, the one who,
you know, created everything in the heavens and
the earth from not, the one who is
an alim, the one who is al Wahhab.
He loves to bestow goodness on his slaves.
And when you ask him, you should ask
with your thing. And when you ask with
your king, you do not lower your standard.
When you ask
you do not lower your standards, and this
lowering of standards has caused so many of
us heartaches. Well, you didn't get into the
thinking,
but I was kind to him when we
got in. Now how come he's been like
this?
Don't settle.
Don't go below what you deserve.
If you feel if you understand that this
is this is this person and this is
what you deserve to marry, like, this is
what you need in a partner, make sure
you go for someone who has exactly what
you need to make you feel good about
being in a marriage or else you're going
to only have yourself to blame,
And the last thing I'd like to touch
on, with respect to
Okay. The last thing that we would I'm
sorry. I'm looking at the comment.
Okay. And the last thing that I would
like to touch on for singles is that,
we should strive as much as possible not
to focus on, you know, superficial things.
Sometimes, you know, when you ask people later
on when when things they're having issues, oh,
why did you get married to him in
the first place? It'd be like, oh, because
I just like the way he looked. Or
someone says, oh, because he seems to have,
you know, good financial stand.
Or the person says, oh, because,
it appeared like he had the tendencies
to become better. Tendencies.
Anybody can have tendencies
to get better in the day. Anybody can
have tendencies
to be, you know, wealthy. Anybody can have
tendencies. Anybody can be fine. But is the
beauty the beauty of the soul,
or is it just the beauty on the
outward?
Because outward beauty often fades off, but inward
beauty
actually helps a person glow from the inside
out. And so when you're looking to marry,
settle down with someone, be sure that they
have a beautiful soul, that your soul can
connect with their soul in a way that
gives makes your heart sing, in a way
that makes you feel like.
And so it's important
that you do not,
you know,
settle down with someone just for, you know,
things that you think that they have that
looks good on the, you know, on the
outward.
Because at the end of the day, it
can be the reason why you guys will
not,
move forward. You know? I once had, you
know, the benefit of working with a particular
couple, and I remember that
all the reasons like, a good number of
reasons why they both got down with each
other was just surface things.
And when everything that was on the surface,
when it faded off, when the excitement of
the relationship when it faded, then they were
left with little or nothing to really hold
them when the things came rocky.
And marriage can be beautiful, but marriage requires
work. It requires 3 things. It requires
commitment.
It requires
compromise.
It requires communication.
Three c's.
Is this person
that you'll ask you're settling down with, that
you're agreeing to marry to, someone you can
stay committed to
when he is in his the worst of
his behavior according to what you know of
him right now? Is this person someone you
can effectively
communicate with
in the best days and on the worst
days? Is this person someone you can find
it easy to compromise for?
These things you need to think about before
you agree to settle down with someone.
And so part 2.
So now you're
married. You're married, and,
it's been a few months, it's been a
few years, it's been
a long time,
and
things have gone sour.
What you do?
Do you just throw in the towel and
say, you know what? I'm done. I cannot
just handle this,
or do you work on finding a way
to make things work?
Is it a lost cause,
or is it worth fighting for?
Well, here are a few things I I
think might be able to might help you
if you are in a marriage that is
badly bruised and you're trying to find your
way,
to heal things. The first would be that
you need to be honest with yourself.
You need to be honest with yourself
about
what is happening.
I find that a good number of us,
when we are in this phase of our
marriage,
we struggle with
this truthfulness,
and we we we find the need to
keep up our parents.
So we we want you know? And they
say, oh, how is your husband? You say,
oh, here is fine. We're doing great.
You know, we we I'm not saying that
you're supposed to announce that, oh god. Things
are bad. You but the point is we
we have this need to make everyone feel
like, you know what? We are doing we're
the best of couples. And isn't that why
sometimes when we hear about a couple having
gone through divorce, it it like, in a
state of shock, like,
I just saw them yesterday.
They looks how come and and well, like,
in a very and when you start to
hear them talk about things that happened,
you'll be in shock, like
things are really bad. How are they able
to do it? And
I I feel like perhaps some of these
things come from, you know, our cultural ideologies
of, oh, no. We need to keep everything
inside,
but it hasn't really helped us, has it?
And that there's a room for,
seeking help in Islam. You know? Allah talks
about this in the Quran that when there
is no shoes, what do you do? He
says,
that you seek for you know, you bring
people from her and from him to help
in reconciliation.
And better still, you seek professional help.
You know? And these are things that we
tend to run away from when we're having
issues in our relationships. Like, oh, you know
what? I don't wanna talk to and and
I did this. You know? SubhanAllah. I I
I remember, you know, in in my culture,
from where I come from in in Nigeria,
when you're getting married, people say things like,
oh, you know what? There's this song that,
you know, we used to sing to ourselves
when we were getting married. And the meaning
of the songs, it translates to, you know,
whatever happens between you and your husband,
keep it inside, don't share with anybody,
don't tell anybody.
But I think we forget the reality that
sometimes Pamela, even with our close friends, even
with our siblings, even with family, sometimes they
annoy us to points where we just feel
like, you know, ranting to someone else or
just speaking to someone else about it to
to just get their feedback and stuff. And
so why do we just suddenly think that
because this person is a better half, it
means that, you know what, we don't need
to ask for help from no one. We
just need to keep it inside and find
a way to figure it out. And sometimes
a lot of things deteriorate to points where,
if we had got interventions, perhaps things would
have changed.
And so the first thing I would just
invite us to do is that we should
be open to seeking help from other people.
Other people being, you
know, upright people within our families,
professionals, you know, counselors,
therapists,
people that are, like, you know, sounding boards
that we can
get, you know, opinions from that are away
from the 2 people that are involved in
the relationship.
And and the second thing I would say
is that be open to feedbacks.
You see,
it's interesting, well, how oftentimes people say things
like, you know what? If I I hurt
you, let me know what I did, but
suddenly when you tell them what they're doing
that is hurting you, they become defensive.
We need to understand what holy calling in
Sanadore in fact that every one of us
have
weak we have blind spots, and we have
weak points.
And when we are living with
our spouses, the person who sees us the
most,
of course, we would we would have we
would disagree.
Weakness would show up. Their weakness would show
up.
Sometimes we are able to, you know, rise
above it, and sometimes we are not.
And when the time comes, when they give
us feedback, it is important that we listen,
we're open,
and we accept and acknowledge the feedback, and
we do not sweep it under the carpet.
So many people, subhanAllah,
sweep things under the carpet in the name
of, oh, you know what? I don't want
us to argue.
Really?
Please argue if you have to.
If that argument would be constructive enough and
it would help
solve issues on ground.
Disagreeing in a relationship
doesn't mean that you guys do not love
one another again. I disagree with my sister
all the time, and I love her.
I disagree with my my you know, you
disagree with people that you love, and yet
this does not mean
that, you know, these people are no longer
your ride or die. Think about the people
that you're closest
to. These will probably have been the people
who have seen you at your lowest. You
guys have fought. You guys have disagreed, and
yet you guys have come out strong.
And so if you disagree with these people,
why is it any different with your spouse,
and why should you sweep it under the
carpet? And guess what? The mind
keeps scores.
The mind always keeps scores.
SubhanAllah.
Do you know oh god. I have lost
count
of the times where I would be working
with someone. And when we are tracing it,
it would turn out that the issue that
they are dealing with that appears like something
else was something that happened a very long
time ago that they probably did not address.
And one thing with the mind is that
the mind will continue
to bring back to life an issue you
did not resolve. Unresolved issues will keep coming
back to the fore until you decide to
resolve it.
And I I give an analogy to someone,
one of my clients recently, and the analogy
I I said, you see, it's almost like
an exam. You cannot move to, you know,
the next grade if you do not pass
the exam for the previous grade. So if
you have exams in school and, you know,
you have,
MIC 101 and MIC 201,
and MIC 101 is a prerequisite to MIC
201. Come on. You are not going to
move on to MIC 201 if you do
not pass MIC 101. And the reality is
that these challenges that we face
are a means for us to be elevated
because
when you have to move to the next
stage, Allah will test you. It's a promise.
Allah says that he is going to test
us from the things that we love. He's
going to test us from the things that
we hold there.
He says in the Quran in verse
214, he says that that he tested the
Sahaba and the Nabi
to a point that they said,
They said,
When is this help going to come, you
Allah? When is this help? This help that
you have told us to go, when is
it going to come?
But what did Allah say? Allah says,
verily the help of Allah is there. And
so when we when we have disagreements with
people, when we we are in these relationships
and we have those issues,
rather than just, you know, pretend like those
things are not there, it is important that
we address
the issues
as at and when due
so that it doesn't fester, so that it
doesn't become something worse
than it really is. It's almost like an
injury. You see this, disagreement in relationships
is like a sore on your hand. You
know when you have a sore, like, you
hit your leg and then, you know, it
peels and stuff,
and you don't treat it. Like, you you
cover it up because you don't want anyone
to know. I don't know if you did
this when you were younger,
but I I once had had a friend
who was very fond of playing football,
and his mother didn't like him playing football.
You know? And and but, you know, he'll
keep playing football.
And one day, you know, he played
and had the sore, but he didn't want
his mom to know. So he covered it
up. Right?
And he came back the next day, and
I noticed that, you know, he was in
a lot more pain. And I'm like, have
you treated it? And he's like, no. He
hasn't been able to. Like, oh, you know,
why? You know, I I didn't want my
mom to know. Okay. This continued.
Subhanallah, this injury
became
it deteriorated to a point he started to
limp, and he almost lost his leg.
And it was at that point that he
got hospitalized for a very long time.
Now this was something and isn't this the
state of many of our relationships
where it's just a scratch? And you're like,
you know what? I I just I don't
want to I don't want the discomfort of
the discussion, so it's gonna cause a bit
of pain. So I don't want that discomfort.
So, you know, let me just keep it.
Let me cover it up. Maybe if I
don't talk about it, it would get better.
How?
When? Where?
It has like, you you've tried it before,
and it didn't work. So why are you
still doing it?
And sometimes it's almost like we're putting round
pegs in square holes and expecting it to
fit. We keep repeating the same action and
expecting
something to change. Allah would not change the
condition of the people until they change what
is in themselves. And if you're looking for
this change that you really want in your
relations, you have to be willing to face
up to issues when they come up
and discuss
it and work through it, it is important.
It is important that every one of us
build our conflict resolution muscle
Because when we do, we would have less,
we would have less, you know, we'll have
healthier relationships.
Because, subhanallah, in the middle of not talking,
many people keep others in their mind. Like,
we start to keep grudges,
and we end up
destroying relationships that could have
become building blocks of beautiful
things to come. But we don't we don't
see that in that moment. We're just like,
you know, I just don't wanna get into
that discussion. I just don't want to have
arguments. I don't just want to. Please
argue.
Argue
constructively.
And if it ends up in a bad
way, find another way to talk about it.
What this cost you must
and disagree you must because you disagree to
agree again.
Healthy ways is important. And at this point,
I think I need to tell you about
4 horsemen.
And if you're here right now, I just
want you to write the 4 horsemen and
ask yourself score yourself on a scale of
1 to 10 and see how much of
this is present in your relationship.
Now these 4 horsemen,
if and when present in a relationship,
even if the relationship hasn't ended yet, it
has a very high tendency
to end in a divorce,
and this is based on a research that
was conducted by, Gottman,
doctor Gottman a very long time ago. They
did this.
He and his wife did a research, and
they tested more than 3,000 couples,
And they found out that whenever these four
things were present in a relationship,
this relationship
on a scale of 1 to 10, like,
7 out of 10 times or 8 out
of 10 times, the relationship always ended.
What's the first thing? I I I use
the acronym CDCS
to
remember. So c is criticism.
You criticize in a destructive way. Yeah? So
the criticism is taken in a bad way.
And what will criticism lead to? It will
lead to defense, which is a d. So
people get defensive
when, why is she always criticizing me? Why
is he always criticizing me? Why am I
always the bad one? Why you know, all
those whys that we tell when things are
going.
And 3 is contempt because after some time
of correcting someone and the person is continuously
doing that thing and getting defensive about why
they are doing that thing, you get irritated.
Right? And that irritation shows up in contempt.
So you we start to disrespect one another.
And then you have stonewalling because
after some time, you're like, oh, you know
what? She always gets defensive,
and this person says, you know what? I'm
just gonna shut down. I'm just gonna keep
quiet. I'm not gonna respond,
and then that's the warning, and this is
the worst.
When a relationship has partners living with one
another,
like,
you know, married strangers,
that relationship is headed for the rocks. And
if any of this is present in your
relationship at the moment, I invite you
I invite you to address
to brave it, and address it once and
for all.
Number 2 is I need to talk about
I noticed I I talked about,
this feedback a lot because I noticed that
it's a big issue in many relationships.
The other thing, which is a big issue,
maybe an even bigger issue, is *.
* is important.
It is important.
And,
we we act like, you know what? Don't
talk about it. Oh, no. No. No. *
is something that we all engage in. Come
on. You give birth to kids. How did
you get kids if you didn't
engage in intimacy with your partner? It is
halal in a marriage.
It is halal.
Allah says that he has
this is permitted for us.
It is permitted in a in a relationship
where you are married. So why are you
not engaging in this? And, Pamela, I remember
when I was in the research
for my, for the white elephant,
and I just did a sample, just survey
of asking, you know, people who are in
relationship, they're married, you know, what was what
are things that were important to them? And,
you know, some
people responded that
for them, * was 90% of marriage.
I was in shock because before then, I
used to think that, well, maybe 60, 70%.
But based on that research, I saw people
that talked about the fact that * was
90% of marriage for them.
It is an important
thing. And if you're having issues and and
one thing I observed is that there are
so many couples that have issues in their
sexual
in the in the intimacy between them and
their spouse. And because they're feeling they're not
really enjoying it in the way that they
wished and stuff, they tend to not talk
about it.
They don't talk about it. They they they
pretend like, oh, you know what? They they
fake it. Yeah. And there's that, you know,
fake it till we make it. Has this
ever worked for anybody?
Because I am yet to find that person.
You fake it, and you only get more
frustrated. And there are so many people,
so many at least sisters that I I
have access to that are frustrated
because of the intimacy
breakdown in their marriage.
Subhanallah.
And it's affecting you as much as it
is affecting your spouse.
So instead of,
again, sweeping it under the carpet,
speak to a sexual therapist.
There are Muslims who are upright in being
an encounter, who are engaged in these services.
Look for them.
Hey.
You know, it's ironic that I find that,
Pamela,
we we we we tend
to shy away from seeking help from people.
When when I hear someone
downplay,
you know, mental
health
and therapy, I I I I laugh because
I'm like, are you joking?
We are a people who are made of
made up of mind, body, and soul. And
just as you feed your soul with spirituality,
your body is in need of being fed
as well.
And part of the feeding for the body
is in the sexual
health, the intimacy that you engage in with
your spouse
legally,
and the mind is also in need of
being fed.
And when the mind or the body have
issues, you need to address it.
You don't sweep it under the carpet, or
else you're looking for trouble.
And the trouble would affect you as well
in your spirituality.
Go and ask people who you know or
you who is going through issues in your
marriage. How much does it eat into your
salah? SubhanAllah, you'll be on salah, and you
would forget what you're on, or you'd forget
what you're even saying because you are lost.
You're just praying and just hoping for some
miracle to happen so that things can get
better. And so I invite you to seek
help.
Pay and see professionals
who will help and support you correctly.
And and I know people tend to why
do I need to see a professional? After
all, I have friends and I have family
members. The question I asked you is are
you able to speak freely with them in
a nonjudgmental
space?
Really?
If you're not able to, be honest with
yourself.
Reach out to one of the people that
you have heard speak at this conference,
who you have enjoyed their talk or found
that you gravitated towards what they said,
and get help.
Reach out to them. Do not die in
silence.
Do not,
leave things to fester. Do not do not
just keep quiet about stuff and
be in regret.
Because when you look back on life, it
will not be about how much money you
made or,
how you how how well you did by
yourself. It will be about the relationships you
built, the social capital, and all of these
kinds of things, and this is important.
We can save our marriages
when we start to speak up and address
things as at and when due.
And I I saw something fly on the
screen where someone said something along the lines
of, but what if we're trying to speak
to someone and he's listening?
Please make the. I think we forget the
part of Dua. A lot of us women
and I I stand to be corrected. Well,
I I have seen us, you know, get
overtly emotional to points where we start to
curse our husband.
And then perhaps when we now settle in
and we're feeling better, then we start to
make dua again. Can we be more
can we be slower
in speaking when we're angry
and be faster in making dua when we're
happy?
Will that help? Will that make our marriages
better? Would it would it heal us better?
And sometimes we undermine the power of dua.
That when my slave asked you about me,
tell him that I am close, and I
respond to the call of the caller when
he calls. The call.
Whatever the call is, be it a call
to for Allah to bring ease to you
in your intimacy
or ease for you to have, you know,
beautiful conversations with your spouse or to be
able to effectively discuss things when things go
wrong or for it whatever it is that
you seek from
seek help from Allah, Allah would render the
help to you. The problem is that we
are only
quick to make du'a when we are angry.
And when we say we say things that
if we were told what we said or
we recorded, it will be like, no. Did
I say that? No. I don't think so.
But that's what happens. And so, please, can
we be invested
in seeking help from Allah in everything that
we do in our relationships when issues are
going on. If you find it difficult to
address issues, you know,
problems that in the marriage, speak to Allah
and then go and speak to him, and
continue to have those difficult conversations until it
gets easy.
If you have issues in intimacy,
seek help, reach out, do everything that you
can, but please do not stop until you
find a solution
because I promise you. Allah will not give
us any test
greater than our shoulder can be. And many
times, what happens is that we undermine
our own abilities to solve problems. We see
a problem, and we run. We see a
problem, and we run. It's like, oh my
god. I don't want to be hurt. But
come on. Even the process of coming to
life is hurtful.
The process of birthing a child is hurtful
for both the mother and the child.
So that tells us that life is going
to be full of ups and downs. It's
not about the challenges. It's about how we
approach the challenges that matters, and so many
people are challenge adverse. We don't want issues.
We just want it to be smooth
sailing. And the moment there is one disagreement
or one issue or the issue festers so
long, we're like, oh, this is a sign
that Allah doesn't want me here. Is it
really, or are you just running away from
your shadow? And I say running away from
your shadow because guess what? You're running away
from it from this relationship. It will come
back again. I tell you from personal experience.
You're running away from it. This you go
to you will find it begging, and you
will not leave that place until you solve
that problem. You will not leave that position
until Allah has made sure that you have
taken out every lesson. And so when you
are in that place, don't say, oh god.
I'm withdrawing from here. Ask yourself, how can
I what what lesson did this come to
teach me?
And
what what, you know, methods can I approach
this challenge with so that I can solve
it? Of course, there are times when it
is irreconcilable.
That's why we have been given the permission,
because that is why there is divorce.
However, that should be a last resort, and
it should be after you have explored.
Right? So are you even exploring the options
that are available? Are you? Because sometimes the
question is that what, like,
the what what appears to to be the
reality is, like, we're just like, you know
what?
I don't want to have this difficult conversation.
I've had it. I'm tired. You run away,
and you think that running away will solve
the problem. Mm-mm. It won't. You'll find yourself
in the same box again. And so you
have to grow the muscle. Whatever muscle Allah
has invited you to grow, grow it. Be
patient with it, and keep asking Allah to
help you find resolution until help comes or
or you find that, okay, perhaps this is
time to leave.
Another thing is that you need to fill
your cup.
Again and and this goes back to a
point I made when I was talking to,
when I was speaking on the part one
about singles, how people go go into relationships
expecting
to be completed.
And the say in in the same vein,
they go into relationships
expecting for their partner to make them feel
happy. Darling,
you will not be made to feel happy
except you are willing to make yourself feel
happy because no one knows you better than
you know yourself.
You know you, and you are the best
person to make you happy.
And I feel like it is just a
heavy burden we put on our partners
when we just expect them to just figure
out. You are still struggling to figure yourself
out.
On a daily basis, you're finding out something
new about yourself because we're constantly
evolving people.
Right? And you evolve. And so you who
is evolving and who is still trying to
get to know yourself better. And so in
some cases, some people don't even have a
clue of what makes them tick. You are
expecting
your partner
to just suddenly,
*,
know you and
and solve your issues and make you happy.
Come on.
Come on.
Fill your cup first
and fill your partner's cup, but stop expect
expecting your partner to fill your cup
and getting angry when you feel like, oh,
you know what? He did not fill the
cup to the extent I wanted him to
fill it. What happened to you? How about
you fill your own cup?
Because you show us how you want us
to treat you. So be the example of
how you want people to treat you by
treating yourself right.
And this is something that is important in
every relationship,
marriage,
friendship,
any kind of relationship.
We tend to expect other people to make
us feel good about ourselves,
and we are angry that they are not
treating us in the way we want them
to treat us
even though we have not voiced out how
we even want to be treated in the
first place, even though we ourselves are still
struggling to figure out how we want to
be treated that will make us happy.
Figure out how you need to be treated
to make you happy, and start treating yourself
that way because you will attract what you
focus on. You are, and you guess what
you focus on, and what you focus on
expands. And so when you are focused on
developing yourself, on being good to yourself, on
being kind to yourself,
on feeling your own *,
everybody else just falls in line. We just
fall in line. Like, an a random example
I often give is when you enter into
a space, right, you're
that's just sitting in wait in an office,
and someone comes in. So these 2 people
come in. 1 person comes in looking this
level, and this person is you know, you
could you you can you can smell something
far from a distance and stuff. And this
other person comes in, and this person is
looking
well dressed and well put together.
Who would you allow to sit on the
seats right beside you?
Of course, every one of us will pick
the person who looked well presented and well
put together,
And this is this is the same for
us.
We are expecting
people to give us the you know, people
should be kind enough to allow us to
sit beside them, to treat us right
because that's what you're expecting me to
you know, you to come in and I'm
like, oh, you know what? Let me just
treat this person right. Well, you are not
treating yourself right. You earn respect. You do
not demand it. And the way you earn
it is like you show up in the
world in the way that you want people
to treat you. You show up in the
world in the way that you want to
be respected. And in that way, people do
not have any choice. They will just have
and and I know some people can be
funny. Yeah? But at least you would have
made that effort.
So you work on
finding joy with yourself, by yourself,
with
you know, by being invested in your own
self care, soul care, personal care.
Be invested in that, and
be kind to your spouse even as you
have been feeding your own cup. Fill your
cup and extend the kindness to other, and
it will come back to you eventually Insha'Allah.
You see,
and when you extend this kindness
when you extend this kindness to your spouse,
do not expect back.
Expectations
have killed many marriages.
Oh,
I did this to him, and I did
that to him, and she did this. I
did this to her, and I did that
to her. And I did this, and he
did not do it back, and she didn't
reciprocate.
Did you do it,
or did you do it to expect back?
I am not saying that we shouldn't like,
no one you shouldn't feel like, oh, you
know, you should be treated with love and
all of that. What I am saying is
that
perhaps
in our
counting, you know, keeping scores is where the
real problem is.
Perhaps when we extend kindness without
expecting anything
back, you know, as exemplified in the verse
where Allah says that
That's
why we give food.
We give food to people even though we
have love for it. Right?
You give to the needy. You give to
you extend love and kindness and compassion to
your spouse.
Just
all you are seeking is the face of
Allah
in that relationship.
If we are more focused on that, perhaps,
perhaps we will find more fulfillment in our
relationship. When he does it,
When he doesn't do it, you keep being
good. Did Allah not say in the Quran
that we should repel evil with good? That
we should repel evil with good? Because,
eventually,
in some cases I know not all cases.
Right? But in some cases, that kindness that
you continually show is the reason why the
person would look and say, ah,
I have been an evil person.
I I need to change. You know, Pamela?
It might be your kindness, your continuous kindness
that would bring about that change.
But here,
you you do something and you wait, and
you do something and you wait, and person
doesn't do that, and you change and become
a bad person. Nobody should have the power
to make you stop being a kind person.
Nobody should have the power to help you,
to make you stop being compassionate. You should
be the one at the driver's seat of
your emotions.
And when you are, you would find that
you have a more fulfilling life, a happier
life, and a happier disposition to people whether
they are kind to you or not. You
stay kind. And this is the example from
the Nabi salallahu alaihi wa sallam. When we
read the and we hear how the Nabi
Salam was still compassionate to the Kufar
at the, you know, conquest of Mecca, you're
like, yes, salaam. How?
How was he compassionate to Abu Sufyan?
How? How was he able to stand to
him?
How?
These were people that were part of the
people that made his uncle, Hamza. He they
were responsible for the death of Hamza. Hind
all that has slaves to kill Hamza. Yet
the Nabi was
able to be compassionate to them. Has your
husband killed your brother? Has he done anything
of that evil? Can you be more compassionate?
Can we try can we at least even
try
to be kind to ourselves without expecting,
you know, the person to do something back
and then keeping scores? And when they don't
do them, we then turn around and become
evil to them. Just parallel up. Perhaps this
will help our marriages, and it would help
in healing our marriages.
Another thing that I would invite us to
is that we need to play together. Come
on. We're too serious sometimes.
Ah, can we at least calm down and
just relax? Like, put the daggers down. Put
the ammo down. You know? Put the arrows
down and just chill. Just relax. Just play.
You know? Play with yourselves.
Be kind to yourselves. Laugh.
Create memories.
Do something fun
within the confines of halal.
And there are so many things that are
halal. Why do we limit ourselves to
just focusing on negativity
and, you know, let's
bring some spark back into our lives. And,
there there was a formula that, you know,
a a happy couple shared, and I'll just
share with you. And it they called it
the 222 formula,
and it was, you know, 2 weeks. Every
2 weeks, they used to, take time out
to you just have a date. They used
to go on dates every 2 weeks. Like,
it was a point of duty. They could
do it more times, but at least 2
weeks, they made sure that they had a
time with themselves. And
every
And every 2 years, they
would go on, like, a holiday
time away from home where
everybody was just focused
on that,
you know,
experience. It was more of creating experiences that
helped them
stay
happy that brought back the spark that you
know how you are excited when something nice
that you're looking forward to is about to
happen. So it kept them having something to
look forward to. Every 2 weeks, it was
a continuous
play of renewing the vows
of rekindling the relationship,
of just
spicing up the relationship.
Let's find ways to spice up our our
relationships within the confines of what we both
love, within the confines of what we earn.
Because sometimes when you talk, they'll be like,
oh, I don't have the money. You do
not need a lot of money. I promise
you. So have a nice time. There are
things that you know, taking a walk together.
It doesn't require that you spend money. Come
on.
Going to
a nice, I don't know, outdoor place that
has a good serene environment that you can
just sit and just have a nice discussion.
You know, find out things that you like
that he likes. It doesn't have to be
the same. Do something that he likes with
him.
Do something that you like with yourself or
with him, but
play with yourselves. Do things together. Create memories.
Because at the end of life, you know,
what you would what would what you would
have with you are those memories. I love
to know my previous friend some years ago,
and
till today, till till this very moment,
the things
that helps me you know,
that keeps me going on those days when
I miss her,
It's
just the memories that we kept, the things
that we did, the fact that
I I only have really beautiful memories of
her. And this doesn't mean that we didn't
disagree and all of that, but it was
healthy. We enjoyed a beautiful,
healthy relationship till she passed away, Rahim Alwah.
And
when we have disagreements with our spouses, sometimes
we make it seem as if, god, this
person is the enemy. Oh my god. I'm
fighting with the enemy, and I have to
come with all my, you know, ammunition, and
I have to bomb the the ground. But
if perhaps we have these kinds of beautiful
memories, it would help reduce,
animosity
in those moments. So, please, let's let's create
this beautiful moment with our spouses, and this
will help. And even in those hard times,
you know, let's just
strive.
I know a couple a husband once told
me that his wife,
you know, used to
cook the sweetest meals for him whenever she
was angry at him. But the way she
he knew she was angry with him
was that
even if she didn't verbalize it, she would
cook an exceptionally good dish around that period.
And I when I had the opportunity to
speak to the wife, she told me that
it was because at that time, she knew
it was hardest,
so she was always very intentional
about the actions she did then. That's so
you know, when you're in good terms, you
find that you're relaxed and you're just doing
stuff. But when you're angry, you find that
you are not interested in doing anything. And
in those times that all she used to
remember
was that,
Allah said repel evil with good, and so
she'll think that her for her, it was
about let me repel evil with good by
being exceptionally kind to him. And since she
knew that he was a person who really
loved good food, she used to put in
extra effort to cook his nicest meals when
she was angry at him and that she
found that he used to help in you
know, helping them manifest his fences because, you
know, obviously, he the man is thinking, she's
even still being nice to me at this
point where we are fighting.
And, you know, and that that used to
help bring back his heart and
cause him to
approach resolution.
And so if this is something that speaks
to you, perhaps try it out in your
relationship. You know, when you if you guys
are going through a rot right now, attempt
extending extra kindness to him without expecting him
to do bad and make dua and be
even allowed, perhaps Allah will use the sabab.
And I would like to say at this
point, gosh, we need to actually communicate
by being present when we are communicating with
our spouses
because a lot of marital issues have stemmed
from,
poor communication. We still we're talking. We're talking
your husband is talking to to you, your
wife is talking to you, and you're on
your phone, please, that phone will will still
be there even after the conversation. Can we
have more respect, more regards for ourselves when
we're in relationships?
When you're not married, you can't wait to
spend time with the person. Now you are
married, you take it for granted that the
person is going to come home. What if
they don't come home? How many couples
have left home in the morning
and come back, you know, to hear that
their spouse died?
How many people are living in such, you
know, agony?
Don't take it for granted.
That make sure that every moment counts to
your spouse. When you're with them, be fully
present, be fully invested. And so if you
guys are having issues at the moment, please,
one way to seal it is that when
you are walking through the issues, at least
be present. Do not be on your phone.
Do not be chatting with people. Do not
leave out the distractions
and pay attention. Maintain eye contact. Speak with
kindness and love.
And when you're angry, strive to take, you
know, take a breath, a deep breath before
you speak. This would help you, would pace
you, and it would help you,
relax your muscles before you speak so that
you do not speak,
angry words.
Ultimate family traditions. You know? Create
traditions of your own. So many of us
have inherited our,
family traditions from our parents, and we're still
re repeating and regurgitated the same thing.
And and the wife will come and say,
oh, no. This is what we do in
my family. The husband will say, oh, this
is what we do in my family. Well,
yes. That is what you did in your
family with your parents. How about you create
your own? Perhaps there could be a fusion
between your 2 your 2,
the the the different,
approaches your families use. Perhaps that might be
your own new one, but find a way
to create your own personal family traditions
that helps you stay together.
Things are not cast in stones. We can
have more peaceful marriages if we're not all
trying to be right all the time, you
know, and trying to hold on to things
that we have lived. Yes. They are your
memories. Keep them as your memories. If you
have to bring it in here, be flexible.
You know, but allow your new family have
their own traditions too. And cultivating family tradition,
it helps keep the family together
and be invested
in,
you know, sharing duties, especially when it has
to do with the children. A lot of,
you know, I I hear a lot of
women complain
about being the only one, you know, children
responsibilities for the family. So it'll be a
really nice thing if more of our men,
you know, were also a part of the
terbiyyah of the children. At at the end
of the day, it's children for both of
you, and you're both accountable for Allah
And,
I find that, you know, families who are
both invested, who are quite invested in raising
the kids together,
you know, often find
it as if it it it points to
grow together because you're able to bond on
the challenges that comes with parenting, and you're
able to find your way together, and it
keeps you stronger together.
So please do things together. You know,
work through parenting
together. Your careers could be different, but be
invested, be interested in what your spouse is
doing.
I I I have had the opportunity to
speak to I once had the opportunity to
speak to,
a couple, and I remember that one of
the issues that,
the husband had was that every time he
would get back home and speak to his
wife about the work he was doing, she
would just sound like she was uninterested.
And so what did he do? He started
finding trying to find
school outside, and it was a reason why
he attempted polygyny. And this is not a
justification.
This is not a justification,
but this is to say that
we need
to be more open minded
about certain things, and we need to be
more invested
in being interested in what
interest our spouses as well. You know? And
just having a balanced playing field in this
relationship.
We need to eliminate the 3 a's,
and
it's it's
interestingly becoming
a thing that a good number of Muslims
are getting addicted
to *.
They're getting addicted
to all sorts of things. They're getting addicted
to social media. Hence, why they find they
struggle to, you know, pay attention when they're
having conversations with people, when they're in the
room with someone, when they're at work or
doing anything, or even doing their own act
of worship,
They cannot wait to finish their solar so
that they can be on the phone and
be on the next chat. Really.
Really. Is that, like is is that phone
really that important?
We need
to work on our addictions, and
we're if we're able to eliminate, you know,
addictions,
affairs,
and anger from our relationships, we will be
able to work through healing these relationships.
Anger has been the reason why so many
people
have lost
beautiful marriages that
could have entered could have grown into something
really beautiful.
And,
perhaps
this is an invitation for every one of
us to look
to anger management skills. We need to
exercise that muscle. It's an important muscle that
we all have to grow.
We we read the hadith of
that says that, you know,
I believe it's a popular hadith that talks
about, you know, the strong man not being
a person who can carry a house, but
the one who is able to control his
anger. We need to be able to,
exercise
control on our emotions.
We need to learn emotional mastery
so that we can be in the riding
seat when emotions,
are in play. We can say, oh, no.
This is time to stop. This is time
to pause. This is time to play. You
know? We can regulate it by ourselves.
Emotional regulation
is one thing that would help every one
of us in every relationship we're in. The
ability to self soothe when you're angry, the
ability to calm yourself down, to find calming
techniques
that would assist you not say the wrong
things or act in crazy ways when you're
angry. It's so important,
because if we do this, perhaps we'll be
able to have healthier marriages, and we'll be
able to, heal our marriages.
I'd also like to talk about the importance
of touch.
You know?
Touching ourselves. You know?
Kissing,
just
coming in contact with your spouse on a
regular basis. Some people are in the house
for for weeks, and
they don't even touch themselves. Like, touching doesn't
have to only be in times of intimacy.
Right?
It is an important part of connection.
It's an important actually for people that have
physical touch as their love language,
and a lot of men have physical touch
as their love language. Can we
be more open to being touched and touching
as well?
Because this would really help strengthen our marriages,
and it would
heal. It would you don't you don't allow
someone you're angry with to touch you. It's
not if you're angry, you'd be like, don't
touch me. Right? That's a popular phrase we
say when we're angry. Like, don't touch me.
Don't come close. So perhaps if we we
allowed more body contacts, perhaps it would reduce
our ability to get to such angry temples,
thus needing to to say, you know, don't
touch me. Do you get what I'm saying?
Like,
you'll find that when you are talking to
someone that's close to you or that you
like or something that you're able to sit
closely with, you find yourself leaning in on
to them and, you know, wanting to touch
and stuff like that. Now this is your
spouse.
Ultimately, the habit of touching often, of kissing.
It strengthens the relationship, and it helps heal
a
a capsizing
marriage.
And another thing that I would talk about
is fading forward.
See every disagreement,
every major
fight,
every,
every test that you experience in that relationship,
in that marriage
as an opportunity to grow.
Don't see it as a failure. See it
as
failing forward,
because
when you,
make mistakes,
the mistakes
doesn't mean that you're a failure.
It just means that it's an opportunity for
you to take out certain lessons.
What lessons
did this experience, did this fight come to
teach you about your spouse?
What did it come to teach you about
your self?
What did it come to teach you
about
how to show up better in the world?
What did it come to teach you
about how to be a better person.
You know? Be open to the feedbacks
and the lessons that you learn from those
experiences.
And rather than see it as, oh, this
is going to change. You know, I I
have to say, you know, this has happened,
and it has changed our marriage forever. Yes.
I hope that that change is a change
that is in the positive direction.
Because
what is the guarantee that in the next
relationship and the next one and the next
one, you would finally find someone who would
not do those things or person that you
marry will not do even worse things to
you?
So be open to working through issues and
not being quick to let go of relationships
when major changing things happen.
May Allah heal our marriages and help us
find goodness.
But the reality is that
some people would get divorced.
So when you get divorced, then what? How
do you heal?
How do you heal? Do you do you
do you just say, you know what? I'm
I'm broken.
Because, subhanallah,
I have I
have I have seen so many people,
get broken because of their relationship, because of
marriage,
and because more importantly, because of divorce. And
the truth is that.
But there's a rising,
number
percent. You know? There's a growing,
statistics
of divorce, especially in faith based communities. You
know?
And
and if
you are listening and you
have been through divorce, may Allah heal your
hearts. May Allah,
grant you the ease to rise from it.
May Allah,
help you find yourself again. But the first
thing I would invite you to is that
you need to let yourself feel.
Allow yourself to go through the emotions
one after the other
at your own pace.
Don't rush the helium.
I see sometimes we give ourselves ultimate I
mean, like, I did this, and it was
wrong.
The first time I I went through a
divorce, I I said to myself, oh, you
know what? I have to be. When when
when when did I decide that I was
gonna treat myself like a robot?
You don't get to treat yourself like a
robot. You give your emotions
the time and the day to heal, and
you don't compare yourself to somebody else. You
allow yourself to go through the emotions,
sit in the mess. Our problem is that
we're also busy trying to be prima proper.
We're all trying to be you know what?
I I I don't want to look on
fresh. I don't want to be caught on
fresh. I don't want to look uncool.
And then you don't give yourself that
that permission to to cry,
to
to to feel bad, to
just sit in the mess
till you have grieved
and then started the journey towards healing.
It is okay.
And
do you know what many people do?
So you get the worst. Now you have
to save face. You have to look good
because you don't want to be seen as,
oh, or nobody will want her again or
nobody would. So you hear that your your
ex is about to get married. You also
enter into a relationship quickly because you have
to it's there's no competition.
There is no competition. Don't do that.
Don't do it, please. I beg you.
There is nothing to compete about. Don't let
people put you under on due pressure.
Oh, the first person that speaks to you
after divorce, then you're like, ah, then put
out you, ah, you should you should you
should count yourself lucky. Lucky that works.
You don't become less because you went to
divorce. You become more.
Yes. Because you have more experience. You are
better learned. You you know what not to
do
because the divorce serves you,
break fast in a way that it serves
you it saves you life in a way
that you probably haven't experienced, and you are
forced to confront certain things you probably would
not have confronted about yourself.
And so please give yourself the permission
to experience that emotion, please.
The second thing is that I would like
to tell you that you need to
see someone who can support you.
One big mistake that I made
was that
when I went to divorce
the first time, I didn't allow myself
to
heal. I didn't I didn't take the time
properly. Like, you know,
I didn't go through the emotions. I didn't
I didn't give myself healing.
I just I was living like a robot.
I was like, okay. You know what?
I've been through so so much challenges. I
can just no. No. No. No. No. You
I I wished
I know what I know now
then. And so I'm inviting you. Please reach
out to a professional
and walk through that
that period
in a nonjudgmental
space.
Like, talk through it.
You know? Explore everything that happened to the
letter.
Go through it as many times as you
need to to find resolution,
to find peace,
to take out the lessons that that
marriage or that experience
came to teach
you. Please.
And the next thing is that you need
to embrace
coping skills. You need to learn how to
self soothe,
how to, you know, comfort yourself by yourself,
how to, emotionally
regulate
effectively.
These are skills that you are
you are forced to learn
when experiencing grief of any kind, either the
loss of and, it's interesting,
but,
the second most
turbulent,
trial a person can go through in life
is divorce,
second to,
loss of his spouse. You know, loss of
his spouse is just do a quick search
on Google and say, you know, top traumatic
experiences a person can have, and divorce is
number 2. And it comes it's only comes
second to, you know, death of a spouse.
And so become be merciful to yourself. That's
what I'm trying to say. I'm trying to
make you understand
how traumatic
it is. I'm trying to tell you that
it is important that you are compassionate
in that time. Don't be the one hurting
yourself
even more
by
setting unnecessary,
timelines and, you know, standards that are only
going to make you feel small.
And the boss has a way of eating
at our self esteem. Oh, yes. It does.
It makes you feel inadequate. It makes you
feel like you are not enough sometimes,
and it makes you feel as if
you you you you you are really poor
in decision making.
But do not believe everything that that divorce
comes to serve you. Not everything it says
you is true.
And when it comes up with these kinds
of negativity,
you need to
counter it with positive words. And so it's
important that when you're going through divorce, that
you are highly optimistic,
that you have good thoughts about your loss,
that you
that you embrace
kindness
and compassion.
Fest to yourself. Be the friend to yourself
that you would have been to your friends
if they were going through a similar thing.
I find that most times a good number
of us are hardest on ourselves.
We are we are we
are
we are harsh
to ourselves,
and this in turn, it
it affects
our relationships. It affects how we then show
up in the world because we now start
to feel like I am not deserving of
this. And that's why people who have been
through divorce have a higher tendency of going
into another divorce because they keep,
you know, they keep reducing their standard. So,
you know, you married someone and the person
treated you in a certain way. Next time,
you're like, oh, this guy just he he
sees me worthy. Maybe he just does something
he want just one of the attributes that
is different from your spouse. You embrace them
before you know it yet. It's from fire
to fire. No. Don't do that.
Give yourself and and research has shown and,
you
know, psychologists, and they say that you should
give yourself at least 18 months after
a break,
to heal, to properly heal, and to properly
get your to get back in your own
skin.
Another thing I would invite you to, you
know, in trying to heal from divorce is
that you need to find yourself again.
You need to find
reconnect with who you are. Who are you
at your core?
What's what what makes you tick?
You know? What are the new things that
the experience came to serve you? What are
the new information
that you have gathered about yourself as, you
know, things went on? And how can you
use this to become a better person, become
a better servant to our? How can this
help you live a better life? You know?
I would say that you should avoid,
hanging on to people in desperation.
Anybody that treats you badly in this period
doesn't deserve to be in your
space. We you know, again, I said, you
know, I I said that when we're going
to divorce, we have a tendency of having
low self esteem. They start to feel bad
about yourself, and in turn, we find it
we we start to find ourselves accepting
really poor behavior from other people.
You know?
And challenging times have a way of revealing
to you the truth about the people around
you.
And, usually, it requires
a a
a a revamp of your circle, actually.
And and, you know, approach this period with
caution
and
be kind to yourself. Do not accept
that anybody treats you below par,
which is often the case. Like, you're like,
oh, you know what? I'm I'm I'm I'm
going through this. Perhaps I'm a bad person,
and then you continue to allow other people
to treat you bad. And one thing I
often tell people is that be willing to
work alone till you find your crowd.
If you need to change your your friends,
please change them.
If that is what you need to help
you
go through that period and properly heal in
a space in a nonjudgmental space, then please
do so. But please be kind to yourself.
Don't stay around people that make you feel
small. Don't stay around people that'll make you
feel worse. Don't stay around people that'll tell
you that
that talking to you is is is kindness.
Read self help books. There are loads of
them.
If you find that you cannot afford to
pay for a professional to support you, then
reach you know, use self help books and
the resources that people,
have gathered on these kinds of topics to
help you get through.
Learn new skills.
Learning has a way of expanding your mind
and supporting healing. And volunteer.
Spend your time supporting other people or doing
something
that brings ease to others.
And lastly,
you know, increasing your gratitude,
increasing gratitude
and forgiveness.
I have found that every time that, you
know, something really had happened to me and
I
I found myself, you know, invested in gratitude
and in doing Istikfar
that I found ease, and I found relief,
and I was able to heal properly.
And why would I not feel heal healed?
Because Allah has says that said that, you
know, if
if you were to thank me, I'll give
you more. And he has said that, you
know, if you seek forgiveness from
me,
he
says
But if you seek forgiveness from me, I
would forgive you, and I would increase you
in wealth, in goodness. Like, he will bless
you. He will send down rain from the
sky that would bless you and bring a
lot of goodness to you. And so embrace
gratitude and forgiveness, forgiving yourself and forgiving the
people that hurt you. And be even allowed,
this would help you on your healing journey.
Any good that you find in anything that
I have said today is from Allah alone,
and I ask Allah to,
make this better understood than how I have
said. And any errors and things that I
have said is from my nest, and I
ask you to forgive
me. And I ask a lot to forgive
me for any error that I have made.
And I ask Allah to reward,
Naima Robot for this summit. May Allah make
its way heavily on her skills of good
deeds for she brought us all together. And
I ask that, you know, Alari, what everyone
that has spoken at this summit, everyone that
will speak, and everyone that has been a
part of making it a success.
Says
thank you so, so, so much.
This has been definitely one of the most
engaging talks,
judging by the comments, and the discussions and
the conversations that it has, it has sparked.
It's great to have you on the platform
again. See you again soon.
Alright, guys. We keep it moving.
Put a like,
like the video, share the video, subscribe to
the channel if you haven't.
We're gonna keep it moving insha'Allah. I do
believe our next speaker is in the house
and it is sister Farah Duaileh
who is going to be speaking.
Those of you who, have been attending, some
of the other sessions,
throughout the year, you'll be familiar with her,
but she's going to be addressing the question
of
whether infertility
must mean divorce. Okay? So
sis.
Can you put your
are you able to make it landscape, please,
inshallah?
Yay.
Shall we unmute you maybe?
Yeah.
Yes.
How are you doing, sis? I'm really good.
How are you?
Going. I've seen bits and bobs, and then
others, I need to watch a replay.
There's so much you probably need to watch
on replay. Yesterday's stream was 10 hours. So
it was it was a long day, but
it was just, like, packed with just, like,
gem after gem, and each speaker was just,
like, pow pow pow. So
day 3.
Are you good to go? Can I put
you on and start recording? Yes. You can.
Alright. So just introduce yourself to the people
and
give them the goodies that you have for
them.
Bismillah. Record to the cloud.
There we
go.
Shall I start? Should I go ahead? All
good, sis.
Bismillah. Alright. Fantastic.
Bismillah.
For everyone that is watching live and joining
us live and for anyone that gets to
watch this on replay.
I hope you're enjoying this conference. I loved
it last year. I'm loving the talks this
year as well. So I hope it continues
to benefit the and that it continues to
benefit us individually and me.
So my name is,
Farah Faradwali,
and I am a author of a book
called taking control,
a Muslim woman's guide to surviving infertility.
So that gives you a little bit of
idea about the topic that I might be
discussing today.
And the question that I will be exploring
or explore exploring with you,
I really hope you are willing to be
engaged and ask questions
and, you know, push back where you think
there's a pushback needed. You know, share your
stories where you think that's relevant. I'm sure
we'll be able to facilitate that. So please
join me in this conversation rather than, you
know, speaking at you.
The question that I'm gonna look at today
and that we're discussing is, does
infertility
have to mean divorce?
So sister Aisha was talking about now about
divorce and the pain of divorce and life
after divorce
and the, you know, the the whole spectrum
of experiencing
divorce and we know whether it's whether someone's
gone through divorce or they haven't,
we know, like Aisha was saying, that divorce
is always in the top five things
that is considered to be the most
traumatic things that you can go through in
life along, you know, with the love, the
death of a loved one, moving, funnily enough,
and a few others. And,
that just shows you how
how divorce is so prevalent in society, in
all societies,
regardless of someone's faith or ethnic background. But
those stats, those statistics that haven't really changed
where psychologists have been looking at years years
years show us that this is something that
is so traumatic
that I don't think it's something that we
anyone should ever belittle
or be willing to go through, like, you
know, lightly thinking that, oh, you know, so
and so's gone through and it's easy enough.
I don't think it is. And then we
combine that with Islam, and we all know
that whilst divorce
is permissible and,
It's also one of the or the most
hated thing
by Allah
That is permitted. So I I think whether
we look at psychology and the secular world
or we look at the Islamic stance and
what Allah has told us he feels about
divorce,
gives us an indication
of how severe
something like divorce is
for the individual
and for society and how we cannot take
that for granted. So
now we go back to this question of
does infertility a couple so a Muslim couple
get married with the best of intentions.
And time goes on, and they are unable
to have
biological children.
That could be for many reasons. That could
be a female issue, a male issue.
It could be an issue combined for both
of them, that couple. It could be
unexplained infertility, which is the case for many,
many, many couples.
And because of that, we, as a community,
are saying, okay. So once I've tried once
I've tried the fertility treatments, once I've tried
mister Oz, once I've tried to stay, you
know, stay together for some time,
should they then bow out gracefully? Should they
then divorce
and move on and see what else is
out there?
I don't know how you feel about that
question, but
even when Naima and I discussed,
I first looked at the question that we
could explore today, and I I looked at
the
a
it can be quite offensive in some ways.
And and
I'm glad that we're talking about it because
I think to even for us as a,
for us as a community, to even even
be able to look at, should infertility mean
divorce,
shows us how
we almost think, okay. If there's no child,
then there's no marriage.
And therefore, it can be triggering, and it
can be quite offensive. And I'm so glad
that we're having that conversation because it's the
reality.
It's the reality. It's a conclusion
that many of us go to, especially if
we're outsiders, especially if we're kind of watching
a couple go through it. Sometimes
we can be, insensitive
and uneducated to a certain extent where we
just feel like, oh, why would they not
divorce? Why would they not try something else?
They're young. You know? What what what especially,
you know, we blame it on the woman
quite often, and we think, oh, why does
he not,
divorce her? Why does he not marry again?
And we jump to these conclusions, and and
they're married again. There's only divorce. But, anyway,
we we just kind of jumped to these
conclusions where we
diminish the marriage to a certain extent, and
we devalue it quite quickly. But,
nevertheless, I think it's something that is so
prevalent. It's a question that comes up again
and again, and I think it's something that,
like we said, we really do need to
explore. So please let me know your thoughts
on this immediately.
So let me try and answer the question
the best that I can. So why am
I somebody that's trying to answer this question?
So,
my husband and I have been married for
coming up to 14 years, Insha'Allah. We're 14
years in May, Insha'Allah.
And we have been trying to conceive,
and to have a child and to grow
our family for most of that time that
we've been married. And we are yet without
a child.
And this is why,
I'll shamelessly show you my book. This is
why, this book, Taking Control, a Muslim woman's
guide to surviving infertility,
was born. It was born from my experience
of being
unable as a couple to have a child
for so long
and knowing the lack of support that there
was for Muslim women.
And I feel like
being in it now for this long
gives you kind of an overview because you
kinda go through all the feelings, you know,
like how you feel about situation in year
3 of trying to conceive how you how
you feel about it in year 7. You
know, year 10 and year 14 is quite
different. So,
So I really wanted to take the time
to kind of try and answer the question
to the best of my ability. And some
of that stuff that I'm coming from and
some of the views that I will have
will be around the conversations,
the everyday conversations that I have with the
everyday people. So the women and the men
that are going through infertility, the couples who
have
divorced
where
fertility was
part of the conversation
and part of the issue
and
as well as how we as a couple
felt like
what are what our options were and what
our options continue to be. And so
when you look at a question for a
black and white, I think the most honest
and accurate answer is
yes
and no. So does infertility
have to mean divorce?
It's a yes and no answer. So
why say yes or no? Well, the reason
why I say it's yes is because there
are couples and there are individuals who despite
their best attempts, their best intentions,
and their
you know, they try their best to stay
together,
moving on
is
inevitable, and it becomes inevitable. And the reason
that happens is because
there will be either both or one of
the couple
who feels like,
yes, I tried.
Yes, I had the best of intentions. Yes,
I love this person dearly. Yes, I, you
know, I don't want to go through a
divorce. It's not a choice I would make
easily. But
the desire to have desire to have a
biological child, to try and have a biological
child. Because, obviously,
divorcing and remarrying doesn't guarantee you a child.
Right? We're just trying. It's it's it's the
attempt part of, you know, it's our part
of attempting to do something and then leaving
it to Allah. And
for some people, that is the best course.
That is the best solution.
And
if either both or one of the couple
feels like
they are
not going to live
a life that they feel like they tried
their best to have the best life that
they could have had, They feel like they're
missing out on something.
They may be living with the fear of,
oh,
I'm 30 today, but if I'm 70 years
old and I don't have a child and
I never tried to have a child, what
does that mean for me? And there's a
real fear with that. Right?
And because of all these things,
they are then forced
to be in a situation
where they are making a decision to leave
that marriage to try and see what else
they can do to have a child.
And so why is that desire so strong?
If somebody's in a loving, healthy marriage,
why why do they need a child? Why
is it so important?
We we know we know we cannot underestimate
the power of wanting
children. Right? Because it's something that has been
innately
and and instinctively
created within us.
It's the one of the most natural desires
that any human being can have, and that
has been placed in us
from our creator.
It's the only way that, you know, humanity
continues. It's with, you know, humanity is always
trying to survive. You're trying to survive individually,
trying to survive as a humanity. And if
we don't care about having children,
we don't want to have children,
then, you know, that that is a that
is a bit of a tricky situation
for the,
for humanity to continue.
Not to mention the and the and the
emphasis and the sunnah that is placed on
having.
The prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam encouraged us to
have children and said that he would be
proud. Said he would be proud of the
numbers
the sheer numbers of his on the day
of judgement.
So we know that we are encouraged to
have children. We are encouraged to have many
children where possible.
And
so
what happens is that
it is
for the majority of human beings on earth,
it becomes
the thing that
we are designed to want and desire.
And that is really powerful. If you add
all of that and then, you know, not
even not even looking at the social pressures
and all of those things,
we we can see we can see why
this is so,
so
painful.
We can see why
there's a real drive to leave a marriage
that you feel like is not fruitful. It's
not helping you grow in the way that
you feel like as a human being you
want to grow, the legacies that you want
to leave in terms of having offspring on
this earth. And so that is a real
feeling. It's a real situation. It's the reality.
And therefore, we cannot
underestimate, nor can we,
judge
and, you know, nor can we,
dismiss
couples and individuals that choose and that feel
like infertility
has meant
divorce.
It had to mean divorce.
Right?
So that's the part I said. It's a
yes or no answer, and that is the
yes part. It's this
natural
way of being created to want to procreate,
to have children. And if that's not happening
here, go in elsewhere to have that child.
Okay.
However,
however,
I apologize.
However,
there is the other side.
And I strongly believe that this question
of does infertility have to mean divorce in
reality
for many couples,
the answer is no.
No.
There it does not have to be
divorce.
Does infertility
lead to divorce quite often?
Yeah. And the reason for that, and let's
be really honest about this, and the majority
of couples that I've seen go through divorce
because of infertility
is because it wasn't about infertility.
Infertility
was a
big,
painful elephant in the room that kind of
made it
may either cemented
the the the the, you know, the fact
that they would get divorced.
It may have been an excuse,
or it's the fact that something like infertility
and struggling through infertility as a married couple
is so harrowing
that
you are not going to fight for that.
You are not going to put yourself through
that
when the marriage itself is not solid.
So the real cause of couples are divorced
because of infertility is not because of infertility.
It's
because of
the disconnect
or the major issues
within the marriage that is by far
someone someone,
a a a a a lady that I
know, went through divorce quite recently, and fertility
was a
a big part of it. But her response
was,
divorce our divorce didn't happen because of infertility.
It happened
because we were struggling
to actually make our marriage work despite infertility.
Infertility just made it so that we
it made it easy that we wouldn't fight
for the marriage. It just felt like, okay.
It's not it's not like we have children
here that's holding us together. You know, these
fertility treatments are not easy nor there's, you
know, you know, that they're so expensive. They're
so harrowing. They're so emotionally draining.
I'm not willing to do it with this
person
because this person there's already issues with this
person. And if we are honest, why do
we have a why are we having
a 3 day marriage conference for the 2nd
year in a row dedicated
to understanding and improving Muslim marriages?
Is because we know that our marriages are
in crisis.
We know whether it's getting married, staying married,
or post marriage
people and the Muslim, and the community is
struggling
on so many levels. We know that our
marriages are far
from what they're supposed to be for multiple
reasons.
And because and so how many how many
people do we know? You may be sat
there thinking, oh, that's us. How many couples
do we know that, yes, there's children,
but that's actually all that holds them together.
And, yes, there's a place for that. I'm
not saying, you know, divorce your spouse.
Never I'm not advocating for that, but I'm
saying, how many marriages
do we see? How many marriages have we
been in? How many marriages are we in
where the marriage is difficult?
There are so many issues between the couple.
Whether they could fix it or not, there
are issues there.
And the only reason they continue as a
family
and the only commonality
between them is these children.
So that's really the issue. That's where divorce
becomes inevitable for some people. That's why divorce
happens quite often because of infertility.
It's these broken
marriages.
It's the fact that we have crisis upon
crisis within our marriages.
And then when we have something like infertility,
it's it's it's an easy thing to say,
oh, yeah. It didn't work out because, you
know, we didn't have children. And it's easy
for the outsiders to kind of pour into
it and say, you know, leave each other.
It's not like it's not like you're a
family anyway. You know? It's not like, you
have children tying you together, so leave.
So the real reason why divorce is happening
because of infertility is is because of damaged
marriages.
And so we have to just be real
about that. For some people, they may be
in a situation where,
they are able to see that whilst infertility
is the topic that they keep mentioning, their
marriage is is is there's there's real issues
there. There's lack of communication.
There's, you know, many, many deep rooted issues.
And some people will say, let's work on
that first. So in my in the book
that I mentioned, Taking Control, there's a chapter
dedicated to marriage, and it's called, an awesome
marriage.
And it talks about
differentiating and separating infertility from marriage and the
blessings
and the joy of a marriage
itself,
but how that marriage has to be has
you can't afford, like, a half
half, you know, half, I'm trying not to
swear.
A half half what is it? Like, you
know, a a a marriage that's not
fully, fully, fully,
nurtured and protected and honored.
It has to be you have to fight
for an incredibly good marriage. But I feel
like there's a reason to do that even
more and more of a reason to do
that in some ways when you have children.
So it's about, let's look at the foundations
of our marriages, and let's work on those
things. And I'm not an expert on that.
There's been many, many, many people able to
add and contribute to that conversations of how
to improve our marriages and and the kind
of ingredients,
Naima mentioned. And and the theme of this
topic is, the things, the stuff they don't
tell you about. You know? So it's like,
what are those ingredients that make your marriage
work? And it's about looking into that and
and kind of nurturing that and
focusing on that and working on that individually
and as a couple and making your marriage
work
whether you have children or not. So that's
really the nook and the cranny of why
divorces happen.
So
on a larger scale, maybe from a Muslim
perspective,
what
what is the position of a couple that
is not having a child? Well,
again, I said before, this question of we
ask this question because it's something that
is so common for us to think, and
it's so common for us to kind of
jump to sometimes, especially if we're not in
a marriage like that.
And and I feel like one of the
one of those reasons and I would love
to know what you think. But, honestly, one
of the things that is quite heartbreaking to
witness is I think that
marriage in the Muslim community, for the most
part,
has become
almost, like, very transactional,
very rigid,
very like, the the the mercy and the
love and the passion that is encouraged in
the deen and in the sunnah is not
experienced, is not lived day to day. So
what whatever
background you're from. Right? Because as Muslims, we're
from, like, every corner of this earth, and
we have all these broad
cultures
from Africa to Asia to the Arab world
to the Western world. We we have all
of these Muslims with their own cultural backgrounds.
But one thing that there seems to be
a theme is that we almost feel like
a a a a marriage
that is
really rooted in in understanding,
in respect,
and in,
passion, in love, in growth, in patience.
Yes. We talk about that quite often, but
the day to day
practices, you know, the practical side of it
is that we feel like, oh, that's for
the west. You know? Like, the love marriage,
where the marriage means a lot and you
care about your marriage and, you know, all
those kind of things. And it's not just
about society, but just our marriage alone
is is for the western world. And then
we are almost
left with us as a very transactional. We
get mad for all of the other reasons.
Now
we know that one of the criticisms against
the western world is that it's a very
individualized
society. The individual needs and wants
are almost put above and in front of
anything else.
And
as Muslims and as the middle,
you know, nation, as we've been encouraged to
kind of always be in the middle way,
we
are
advised
to maybe not focus on everything about being
the individual. It it it the family matters.
Society matters. The children matter. The ummah matters.
All of these things matter. Right? And that
is a positive thing. That's not a negative
thing. But at the same time,
we can't lose
society and the umrah. All these things are
made up of
individuals.
And so if we don't care about the
individual needs, if we don't honor
men and women
based on them right? You hear all the
time, you're enough. Sister, you're enough. Brother, you're
enough. You're enough just to be here. You're
enough. And it becomes a hashtag, but it's
the truth.
You're enough. You don't
have to have a child
to find your value in this faith and
as an individual. And and and, obviously, you
don't have to be married either. Is marriage
encouraged? Yes. Yes.
Is having children encouraged? Yes.
Does it mean that the individual doesn't exist
without those things? No.
Does god show us that again and again
and again by the different lives that he's
given people, the different blessings, and the different
tests?
Yes.
So for me,
I feel like I I
would
want want to remind myself and and anybody
anybody that's listening
that
whilst we don't underestimate the desire to have
children and all those things, we also cannot
underestimate
the beauty of marriage. Why are we
why are we
limiting
and narrowing
the blessings of a marriage
only
to have children?
And, therefore, if that test is there,
why are we afraid for a couple to
maybe say,
it doesn't actually matter?
What else has got what else does he
have in store for us?
What else
can we do?
You know?
What where can we stay together? Like, in
the book, there's a whole chapter dedicated to
options and exploring those options. Do we just
get divorced because we don't have a child?
Year 2, year 3, year 4, year 5?
Not necessarily.
What other options are there? We see couples
and we see couples, whether they be Muslim
or non Muslim, who are in their sixties,
seventies, and eighties, who have been together for
40 plus years, who never had children, and
who are happy and have thrived and are
thriving.
And
maybe their reward of being patient with each
other, of staying together, of honoring each other,
of finding using that time that maybe you
would have used to raise a family to
add something to the world, something else
is greater for them. Maybe that's their route
to genre.
Okay? Then there are those who are maybe
having a different family, whether it's polygyny or
whatever. Maybe that's their way to general.
Then there are those couples who,
adoption and
if for any I would encourage the Muslim
community sorry. A little side note. I would
encourage the Muslim community to please just do
a little bit of research about the rewards
of adoption in Islam because we know we
know like, in the west, for example,
Muslim couples and Muslim families are not coming
forward to adopt children. There are babies and
children in the system who need loving families
where that it's it's not the Muslim couples
that are coming for them. It's single people.
It's people of the same,
* relationship.
It's, couples that that, you know,
gender wise identify
as different as, you know, what they may
be or whatever whatever that is.
It's people who are,
have a lifestyle that is very different to
us,
and they are starting their families through adoption.
And they are
they are having children that were
first of all, all children, all babies are
Muslims to begin with. Right? It's how you
raise them. So whatever background that child had,
when you take them into your home and
when you raise them as a Muslim,
that is adding to the ummah. It doesn't
always have to come from your womb. It
doesn't always have to come from your seed.
It doesn't always have to be that. You
could grow the ummah. We know Naima herself
is a. She wasn't born as a Muslim.
She,
she became a Muslim
at an older you know, and as an
adult.
And and we see that the ummah is
growing through how many people revert to Islam.
And in the same way, if Muslim couples
would be willing to take children in from
the system and raise
them as Muslim,
that is an amazing reward and an amazing
thing and an amazing way to grow this,
Amazing way to enter,
an amazing way to please,
your creator and to have fulfilling
marriages.
But Muslims are afraid to adopt because there's
all these myths around adoption.
They they jump to some of the barriers
automatically they think about, which they should, but
they think they can adopt because of this.
And the beauty and the ease of this
religion is that Allah has made so many
things that we make difficult
very easy. So every barrier
to adopting is not a barrier. It's a
consideration.
We look at that.
We do it slightly different.
This is how we do this to overcome
that. But is it difficult?
No.
Is it impossible?
No.
So
if you are saying I want to be
a parent,
why would you not be a parent through
this way?
Yes. I know we looked at before about
the desire to procreate, but it's also the
desire to love and to raise children and
and all of these things and have a
family who left come from adoption.
So I just wanted to say that because
I know that there's a real shortage
of,
Muslims adopting. And it shouldn't always take infertility
to explore
adoption. Right? If you have the space and
you have the capacity as a Muslim couple,
please consider it because it's something that is
that is really, really, really needed, especially in
the west and especially in place like American
stuff. It's really, really there's a huge sort
shortage.
Anyway, so
I say all that to say that there's
all of these options for a married couple,
and we need that bravery and that understanding
as an individual, as a couple, and society
that that is okay.
That whilst this is a sunnah,
it's not the only way that there's flexibility
in the deep, that there are different paths
for different people,
And always jumping to the most painful thing,
divorce,
is not the answer. It's not the answer
to infertility for for large numbers of couples,
or it could be that could be a
lot of couples are divorcing where maybe they
wouldn't need to divorce. There was so much
to explore. There was so much to look
at. There was so many other things to
consider.
And
I wanna mention
some prophets
and some examples that we've been given.
Prophet Ibrahim,
what what is he known as?
The friend of Allah.
The friend
of Allah.
We
his story
and the situation with his wife
has been captured and kept for us as
a daily reminder in the Quran
where
he says,
oh, my wife is barren.
They're an older couple.
Now I don't know the numbers. If you
do, please let me know. I know a
lot of knowledgeable knowledge knowledgeable people.
If you know the numbers, if I don't
even know if the numbers are given anywhere.
If you know the numbers, let me know.
But I don't know how many years Ibrahim
and his wife are married.
But
the story in the Quran indicates
that it would have been a long time
and that they were much older and that
they were not
expecting a child.
They were not expecting a child.
It says she slaps her face and says,
me, as a barren old woman,
the shock
when when they're told that they're having a
child
because
it it shows you that
they were
the the the impression that I get when
I read that
story is that
they are so grateful to Allah
that they never gave up hope of Allah,
that Allah used them as a major sign
for us until the day of judgement,
but that they didn't rush to divorce,
that they stayed together,
that they were happy.
You know, this is a prophet. These were
the best men
that have ever walked the face of this
earth.
And so we can only marry imagine the
marriages that they had. Even if we the
prophet Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wa sallam, we have
a lot more detail about his marriages and
some of the other older prophets,
that that came a lot earlier.
We don't always have the the everyday details,
but we can imagine we can imagine what
kind of husbands they were.
And so
would it have been easy for the prophet
to divorce his wife when they didn't have
a child?
Yeah.
Could he have replaced her immediately?
Yeah. Could Allah have done that for him?
Yeah. But no. Patience were shown. Honor was
shown.
Sticking together was shown.
Growing all together was shown.
And for me, I just think
if a friend of Allah
and his wife
can be together despite
not expecting a child, hoping, praying, wanting,
and in the end, being given a profit
for a child,
they still stayed together, though. They didn't know
that was they that wasn't guaranteed,
and that's why there was a genuine shock
when it happened.
And so
it's
it's funny because we talk about prophets. We
talk about the saqabas. We talk about the
prophet Hamid al Salaam Alaikum. We talk about
the wives of the prophets.
And, as Muslims, sometimes,
I hope that it will come across too
harsh saying this, but we live real hypocritical
lives.
We we show our hypocrisy
on a daily basis.
And I think
our hypocrisy
is no more evident than when it comes
to marriage and when it comes to children.
The things that we say, the people who
allow us children to marry or who we
don't allow them to marry because of racism
or whatever,
The the the the
the the attitude that we have towards women,
the
every day we show our hypocrisy. So we
say all of these things and we quote
all of these nice things, but then
we live a life and we make comments
and we make decisions and we encourage individuals
on things
that
are not the best for the individual, not
for society, not encouraging Islam. But we will
look for the areas in Islam that help
us kind of,
give us evidence to to to kind of
fulfill our own desires
fulfill our own desires. We use the sunnah.
We use these things for our own,
biases, our own cultural things,
and and we don't look at the bigger
picture. We don't look at it
with a full
objective view and use
things that may not be common, but that
are there in the deen to remind us.
And
another prophet that, again, his story
is
shared and kept for us in the Quran,
and I actually mentioned in my book, is
the,
story of Sakariya, prophet Sakariya and his wife.
So, again, before he was given his son,
Yahya, before they were given
another prophet, Yahya, as their child,
they
prayed. And the prophet,
Zakaria,
prayed for a child. He prayed for a
son. He prayed for
progeny
progeny
that was able for for not his own
selfish needs, but actually what the society needed,
what
the the work that was needed to be
continued.
And but yet, did he divorce his wife?
No.
Was there shock when they were given this
news of this child? Yes.
Were they older when they were given this
child? Yes.
And so, again, it shows you another couple
of an outstanding
one of the best men that have ever,
you know, been on this earth, has ever
been placed on this earth, and a couple
that, again, their story has been
you know, that that glimpse
of their life, the struggles that they may
have gone through, the the years of waiting
that they went through for the patience they
begged and the honor that they gave their
marriages and to each other, inshallah,
before they were given their
their joy.
And for some, they would never be given
their joy. In this, their joys would be
different. Right? Their joy wasn't necessarily a biological
child.
And then the final example that I will
give from Islamic point of view is our
own mother, the mother of the believers,
Aisha. So
there's so much controversy
sometimes, right, around
her age and this and that. But one
thing we know that she was young. Okay?
And
in theory, we think young, fertile.
And you would think
you would think if we went through our
own lenses of what we think a marriage
is and a woman is and a man
is,
and and what are their roles are in
terms of family planning and family, you know,
society in a family.
You would think that maybe she would be
used to have the most children,
to have many children.
But, no, she was not she was never
given a child.
She never had a child.
She was born. She lived, and she died
without ever
becoming
a mother in that way.
We call her the she's the mother of
the believers, Hanulah.
So she she has a completely different honor.
But does she have children with her with
her husband? No? Did he divorce her?
No. Contrary to, he died in her lap.
He died in her home.
He stayed with her and his other wives
until the end. And, you know, there there's
other wives,
at least one other wife,
known to,
never be not be able to have children.
And please correct me if I'm wrong on
that. That was part of the that that
was part of the, Prophet's, household. And we
know that he married older women and, you
know, all of these things where
marriage,
for different reasons, and the value of marriage,
and the importance of marriage in a society
and for the individuals,
and especially for women, I would say, but
for men as well, for us,
is
is it shows you. This is the example.
This is
the
Islamic practical
everyday
showing you these are the people we're supposed
to,
be following. These are the people that we
claim to love,
but then we will only take some parts
of their life and ignore the others and
then devalue
and sometimes abuse
and, you know, continue to misunderstand,
couples that
are different to what you expected.
You know? They're tested in a different way.
And the other thing that's interesting is that,
statistically,
it's been proven and it's been shown that
infertility
is
by far one of the most growing
diseases
in the world, not just in the western
world. So we can't just blame it on
people delaying getting like, you know, for a
long time, it was, oh, there are less,
you know,
women in particular, for example, are struggling to
conceive because they're waiting until
much later. And therefore, they are struggling to
conceive, and therefore, there's a higher rate of,
infertile couples.
And, yes, that's one element. That's one of
the reasons for some parts of the world,
but the whole world
is
collectively
struggling
and going to struggle further
to conceive.
For so many different reasons,
Allah is continuing and will continue to make
having children more and more difficult. Now, Inshallah,
I can share the stats with you now
so you can share it with people,
later on,
with the references and everything like that because
we never wanna see that. We're just saying
these things for the sake of saying these
things. These things are documented.
And so the reason that I mentioned
the rise of infertility
as and the con and the continuing rise
of infertility is because so then what do
we do?
So then what do we do? Because as
a Muslim woman, we're not protected from this.
It's growing
for everybody. Infertility is on the rise for
everybody. And, therefore, do we then make sure
that every couple that gets married, that doesn't
have a child, gets divorced?
That people who are who are not able
to have children should not be married? That
they should be alone?
Is that is that what we wanna encourage?
I think not. I think there's a lot
more damage
and and a greater disease than infertility if
that's what we want to do. If we
want to take all the value away, all
of the options, any of the blessings that
we could have had
because there are no biological children being born
immediately
from,
from a couple coming together.
And so
what I wanna say, and I don't wanna
hold I don't wanna keep people for too
long, and I'd love to get the audience
involved where possible and be able to answer
questions,
is
that
we
know
that
infertility is something painful. We know that this
is something that a couple
is going to have to struggle through if
they want to stay together and if they
are tested with that.
But I want to remind myself as a
married couple, as a part of a married
couple who is unable to have a child
so far.
As for the audience who are listening, for
those that might be in a marriage where
they're struggling to conceive,
I want to remind and I want to
encourage people
that,
1, let's work in our marriages. Let's let's
look at all the different conferences and the
different talks and the different lectures that happened
this weekend, last year, the books that we
need to read, the people that we needed
to talk to, the council that we need
to have,
the deep conversations that we need to have,
the generational,
you know, cultural changes that we need to
make,
to start shifting a little bit, to really
start shifting our mindsets around marriage and the
beauty of marriage and fighting for good, healthy
marriages with and without children and finding a
way other than always divorce.
But like I said, there will be a
certain number of couples who,
despite their best efforts,
I will
for them to come together, to be tested
with this, to learn what they need to
learn from it, and then to go their
separate ways.
And sometimes they are rewarded with that thing
that they were seeking. They are rewarded with
those children, either both or one of them.
And sometimes they are not, and they're given
something else entirely.
But their marriage wasn't wasn't
wasn't,
intended
to be forever. It was supposed to be
something that helps them and elevates them in
their journey with Allah.
So there are those who
I understand when that's when that's the best
solution.
Because staying and being forced to stay in
a marriage where there's resentment,
where where you feel like you're you didn't
try your best to have this thing that
you wanted,
where you know, that that's not healthy for
anyone. Also, for those couples who feel like
they've done the work, they've done what they
needed to do, and this is still the
best
options, the best solution for them, then
I'll give them the strength
to to to go through that and to
be
rewarded
for for going through and bearing that patiently.
But I also wanna really encourage
the the larger majority of couples who may
be struggling with infertility to not give up
so quickly,
to
not fall into the trap of blame,
of of breaking down communication,
but to actually
really
fight for their marriages,
to know that
there is
such huge reward
in the dunya and in the akhirah
for choosing to stay together, for choosing to
build something in a different way,
to bear it patiently. And maybe you Allah,
inshallah, you will be given the glad tidings
that you want in a way that you
want it inshallah, like the prophets that I
mentioned. Or maybe you will be given something
entirely, and Allah will satisfy you with that
So
I'm gonna conclude there. No slightly shorter than
I think we had said.
And I would love for maybe Naima to
come back for any questions or comments to
be raised, and I'm happy for us to
explore it that way.
And I hope somebody was able to take
something
from this and to maybe look at something
slightly different.
Says that was
so comprehensive,
really managed to look at it from, you
know, so many different angles.
You were very realistic. You were very balanced,
and you really gave people a lot of
food for thought. I was watching the, the
conversation in the chat and, definitely, you know,
lots to consider there, especially, you know, the
part you mentioned about, you know, increase in
infertility, right,
which like you said is probably going to
increase in the next 2 decades,
this may be an issue that impacts families
who've never had to deal with this before.
You know like when you say oh the
women in our family' like, we good.
You that may no longer be the case.
How do you know the next couple of
generations? Exactly. Exactly. How we are. Definitely.
Do do we have any questions from the
VIPs, guys?
Otherwise, we can wrap up the session.
We have a break before our long live
stream this evening.
Let me just check the chat to see
if there were any.
Definitely just people in the chat,
agreeing with you. Sis says, I love how
has approached this topic. So thought provoking.
Case says, adoption is beautiful. There are many
Muslim and non Muslim children often who need
a home, absolutely,
Allah is testing us in many ways,
100%,
and, yeah, huge shortage of Muslim families.
The process is long, which is a test.
Yes. Well, I don't know whether the adopting
and fostering
process is the same. I'm not sure. I
know fostering can be quite difficult,
but sis says,
she has a question here, how to support
somebody who's going through it? So if you
know someone, a family member or a friend,
who is, you know, is is is dealing
with
infertility or difficulty conceiving,
what's your best advice for people to support,
that person or that couple?
Amazing. Thank you so much.
So,
first thing I will say is, in my
book, there's a whole chapter dedicated, and it's
called what friends and family need to know.
And it gives you,
you know, steps and thoughts and the things
that we need to consider in terms of
supporting someone that we know, somebody that we
love that might be going through infertility. So
if you are in a position to have
somebody that you know is going through infertility
and you feel like I'm not sure the
best way to support them is to kind
of play it by ear. I always say
is let them lead the way in the
way that they want to be supported because
the way I might be want want to
be spotted and the way next sister wants
to be spotted or the brother is very,
very, very different. And so and it really
depends on the individual. So I'm as an
open book as you can imagine, I'm a
chatterbox.
And so I talk about, you know, my
husband and I, we talk about our
our situation, and so our friends and family
feel relatively confident
in talking to us about it because we
are very open about that. But then there
are other couples and other individuals who are
very close who,
don't feel confident that I'm embarrassed that they
are trying to process it themselves. They're not
sure what they want to share with you.
And so
the way you support them depends on their
individual personality and their individual circumstances.
But one of the things that you can
do is depending on how close you are
it depends how close you are. If you
are close enough,
then have that conversation and say to them.
And if they've shared with you that they're
struggling, don't ever assume they're struggling. But if
they've told you that they're struggling to conceive,
then just say, what do you need from
me?
How can I support you? Is there anything
I can do to help?
So by asking them, they can tell you.
It's just showing that you care because it's
getting the balance of caring enough. If you
know they had a treatment yesterday, is caring
enough to find out how did it go?
Are you okay? Do you need anything? But
then that fine line of what is too
much
and where do
what's too much? Where do we,
allow them to, you know, where do I
ask and where don't I ask? And I
would say if you just ask them, how
can I help?
Hello?
Oh, sorry. Sorry. I thought someone said something.
Yes. So I I think it depends it
really depends on their relationship.
Their relationship.
And, yeah, beautiful comment. I totally agree with
that.
So, yeah, that's how that's the best way
that I would say is ask them what
what can what can I do? What do
you need from me? How can I support
you in this?
And let them tell you what they need,
and let them allow them to come to
you as much or as little as they
need. That's one way. Another way is you
could always give this book to them. Honestly,
so many people have gifted this book, taking
control of Muslim woman's surviving infertility available on
Amazon and everywhere else. So many people have
said very little
and actually just gave it to them and
said, I hope you don't mind. You might
be able to find something helpful in this.
And if you don't, just, you know, chuck
it out or whatever you need, but you
give it to them. And the amount of
conversations,
the amount of there are families who have
told me they have family members
for years.
They've not explored this topic. They've not looked
at it. They know there's issues, but they
don't know what to say. They've given this
book to the couple. They've read it, and
it started a whole conversation, and it starts
a support network. That's that's that's another thing
you can do is give give them the
gift of this book because this book does
the hard work for you. And then thirdly
is if you are in that situation and
you need support, find out what is available.
Just yesterday, we did a shout out on
Instagram,
because the sister reached out to me, and
this happened a few times now where sisters
reach out and say, I live in so
and so area or so and so part
of the country
or wherever. And I don't know anyone that
I could talk to about this. I don't
have anyone in my immediate circle to help
me with this.
And
so we wish we did a shout out,
and people were able to kind of connect.
You know, people have lived different,
in the same cities and stuff like that.
So I would say
if you are struggling, please find out. Is
there a WhatsApp group you can join? Is
there a Facebook group you could join? Is
there a book that you can buy? Is
there therapy you can get? Who who who
can support you in this as well? So
don't don't struggle alone as well. I hope
that answered your question.
I believe Naomi might have gone to pray.
So I'm gonna look at I'm gonna see
if there's any more questions. Give me a
minute.
Just let me know.
Let me see. I don't know if you
can see me now.
Does anybody else see any questions?
Don't think so.
No. I I don't think there are any
questions.
How are you?
I'm
good. Talk before I came on.
So I
believe I believe if there's anybody up, can
you please write the name of the book?
Yes. I think we could even,
do a step better.
Oh,
lord. So I'll write the name of the
book,
and I'll try and add the link as
well.
Your frame has switched. You need to switch
it back. One second. It's just because I'm
typing.
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
There it is. So I put that in
there.
Sorry about that, guys. I I don't have
to type that that way.
And I will if I can,
Aisha, I know you're not on camera, so
I don't know if you could,
wait.
I'll find a way. I'll get Naima to
get the link to us,
of the book as well where you can
get it, but that's the title. So if
you just put it into Google or you
put it into Amazon, then you should be
able to get it.
Okay. Is there anything else? Otherwise, I think
we can wrap up. I hope that was
beneficial,
and please do share it. Once on the
replay, then please share it with anyone that
you think might be able to benefit, any
couples that you think are struggling. And, hopefully,
it is for us to have our own
minds mindset
shift as well.
Reyaka. Reyaka, thank you. Thank you everyone for
joining.
I hope you enjoy the rest of the
conference
and the rest of your afternoon.
Oh, you came back at a perfect time,
Naima.
Sorry about that. I didn't even mute the
mic as well, Safra. So sorry about that.
Mhmm. Yes. I had to go and pray.
Thank you so much.
I will put the link to your book
in the chat, and I will send you
my email as well inshallah.
Perfect.
Perfect. JazakAllah Khayron. JazakAllah Khayron, everyone. See you
in a couple of hours inshallah.