Nadim Bashir – Etiquettes #04 Manners For The Host & Guest

			So Monday nights we were talking we were talking about in going through a HELOC and either last week
what do we talk about anyone remember?
		

			Yes
		

			yes Mashallah. The small this young man mashallah who just made a comment today. So he's saying that
we talked about salaam making salam to each other and so forth where the devil making some to each
other. Today inshallah we're talking about what are the adab as being a host and worthy adabas being
a guest. And not only that, but there's a hadith of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, where he
says the humble Muslim, you're almost semi Hamson that there is a right of a Muslim upon the other
Muslim and they are five according to another Hadith of the Prophet saw some he says there are six
but what he says in this hadith is number one is reduced Salam responding to the Sunnah we talked
		

			about this last week. Number two is what he either told Marie of going and visiting someone who is
sick. Number three we're at by old Jana is if there is someone who has passed away, people from the
community must go and be part of the funeral process. Number four ejabberd to Dawa, responding or
accepting an invitation which we'll talk about today in sha Allah. And number three, number five is
what this means to the office, a person who has sneezed to say Alhamdulillah, and so forth. to that
person, this is the right of a Muslim upon another Muslim. So today, inshallah we're talking about
responding or accepting the invitation of someone. Now, what does this actually mean? does this
		

			actually mean that anyone who comes to you and says You are invited, you must accept the invite, or
you must accept the invitation, there are many rules that we have to keep in mind. So first thing
is, if someone ever comes to you and invites you, you have to make it very clear if you can go or
not go, yes, there are some circumstances where you say, I have to get back to you. There's nothing
wrong in saying that, if you say something like that, there's nothing wrong in saying that. Number
two, if you can, if you don't want to go to a, or you don't want to accept an invitation, why?
Because there may be haram committed over there, and so forth, there might be dancing, there might
		

			be loud music, and so forth. In that case, you're not required to accept the invite. Another
important point, if you know that over there, there are other people who are going to be invited who
are not going to be dressed properly. And that case, also, you're not required to accept the invite.
At the same time, you have to Oh, we have to also keep in mind that if you should, you should turn
down an invite, if you're already are committed somewhere else. So if you are double booking
yourself, that is not appropriate. If you already have a commitment with someone or someone else, in
our deen, you made a commitment with someone, you have to fulfill that commitment. Another thing
		

			that's also very important when it comes to accepting an invite, you are not required. In fact, you
should not accept an invite to go anywhere, if there are other people who are dependent on you. So
for example, if you have seen your parents, and there's no one else who's going to look after them,
and you need to go for example, you might get invited to some other city to go and speak or for any
other engagement and you're leaving behind your parents, you're seeing your parents in that
situation, a person should not be going they should be looking after their sick ones or their loved
ones. If there's a family situation where it is difficult for the family when one person is gone. In
		

			that case, you should kindly reject the offer or the invite and stay back with a family. Just to
give you an a perspective on this matter. Think about the Battle of battle, the battle of Buddha was
one of the most illustrious battles in the history of Islam, when the most illustrious of all the
battles even in that situation Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam a very well known companion,
okay, we all know or thumbin or the Allah one did not participate in the Battle of brother, by the
way, okay, many of the Sahaba participate in in battle, but if you study from an Akita perspective,
the ranks of the Sahaba, the Allahu anhu, those who participated in Budhha is one they have won the
		

			highest levels compared to all the other Sahaba. Osman was not part of Brother Why, because it also
also told him that your wife mean his daughter Zaina was sick, and you're not allowed to go you need
to stay behind and look after her. So even in such a great situation, a great event that's about
take place. The Prophet alayhi salam said no you stay behind and take care of your family. So that
is why if there are people who are depending on you, in that situation, you should kindly refuse the
invite. Also, it is very important that if there is a wide community invite for example, a person
says everyone in the community is invited to my house or everyone's invited to a certain place and
		

			they did not come
		

			to you very specifically, okay, then that means that this is just a general announcement. If you go
and you don't go, it does not matter if you don't go, there is no harm. But there you have to
understand, there are some people who will say, I'm not going to go, why, because I not get a
personal invite, it becomes an ego issue you're inside, it should not be an ego issue, if you are
committed somewhere else, and so forth. And you feel like you cannot go because there are other
things that have that you have take care of the no problem. What should we do in Ramadan, because
Ramadan now is coming. Many people they invite, especially for Iftar, dinners, and so forth, here's
		

			what I will say about this, you cannot go for an Iftar dinner, at the expense of your own worship.
What does that mean? It means that if you know you're gonna go to the invite, and you're gonna get
so lazy afterwards, that you will not be able to come forth at all, where you will not be able to
pray at the night, then that is you compromising your worship, to go to be part of some other
invitation. That is why in that situation, you if you know that you're going to go, just be part of
the Iftar part, come back right away, come to the masjid be part of Southeast Asia be part of the
emulator, so forth, that no problem, but there are most of the times, when you see people going
		

			there, they will stay there waits time over there. And then a lot of times, they will even miss
their pm at that night. So we have to keep in mind, especially when it comes to Ramadan, that should
not be the case. Another thing that's very important, especially when it comes to fasting is if
someone comes to you, and they invite you very personally, and you accept the invite, and you say
okay, I will be there, then in that case, you know you are invited, it's on your calendar, and you
know, you're going to be there, you're of course, they're going to invite you you're going to eat
over there. In that situation, you should not be fasting, okay, you should not be fasting, if you
		

			know upfront. Now, let's just say you get invited last second, you already are fasting, okay? In
that situation, you can go You're not required to break the fast for the for the invite, but you
have to let the host know that you are fasting so that they don't take offense when you don't eat.
So this is something that you have to keep in mind. And many elements say that if you want to break
the fast, let's just say you're fasting, it's an optional fast, it's an awfully fast, you want to
you want to break your fast, you can break your fast. However, according to the 100, if you have to
keep this in mind, according to the 100 if you have to make up the fast, if you are fasting an
		

			optional fast, and you break your optional fast, then according to that 100 If you have to make up
that fast. So the other things that we have to keep in mind is you cannot put pressure on the host
to invite someone else someone comes to you and says, I want to invite you and your family, well,
I'm going to come only if you invite that family to you cannot do something like that. Whereas then
if someone's inviting you you accept or don't accept, but to put it upon the host that they have to
invite someone else is something that is not appropriate and you should not do that. One cannot
bring also you cannot bring someone so you are invited you come but you bring two three people other
		

			with you to that person's house, you can do that kind of stuff you understand, if you are invited,
it's their house. Now, of course, the host is a host he's not going to out of a good heart, he's not
gonna say okay, you know what you come in, and the two three people who brought who you came with,
they go back home, but also it's not appropriate. Imagine if you were in the position of the host,
and you invited someone and they came, but they brought two three other people with them. Imagine
how you would feel that you will feel like as if your invite was not respected and dignified enough.
So that is why we should not do that to anyone else. And if you must bring them along, let's just
		

			say you want to bring someone along, you must inform the host from before. Now, as far as the host
is concerned, what are some of the things that we have to keep in mind if you are a host? Number one
is, do not go out of your way to please other people. This is something that I have seen, and
especially happens in weddings. People are so obsessed, people are so obsessed with impressing other
people that they will put themselves in debt just to please other people and hear them getting to me
give you a dose of reality which I'm sure all of you will agree with me on this. There is no
pleasing other people. You cannot please other people at all. You might make one person happy you
		

			might make few people happy you might make others displeased. So there is no way you can make
everyone happy. You do the best to your ability and that is it do not run after people's pleasure.
By the way I've given a lecture about this before to number two is one should decide in dictate
where everyone will sit. So you don't go you know, I remember going to someone's house and the
person says, Where do you want to sit? So I told the host you told me why
		

			I have to sit Okay. Literally this happened. I'm not making this up. I walked into someone's house,
the person says, Where do you want to sell? I'm like, This is not my house. This is your house, you
told me where to sit. So the host should decide where they should sit. Sometimes they might have the
men upstairs women downstairs, sometimes they might have the men in the backyard women inside the
house, whatever arrangement they have met, they have made the the guest has to respect the host.
Also, it is very important that when people come when people come, you should not delay in the food.
Here's what happens. In some circumstances, you've invited probably 10 families, five or six
		

			families have already come. But you have those few families who come late to every single event.
They have made it their personal sunnah in life, okay, I'm gonna come late at all cost. In that
situation. You do not delay the food for those two, three families who have not showed up. Let me
give you an example. Why Ibrahim alayhi salam, when the mullah Iike were on their way to go and
destroy palmi loot, they made a stop were first at the at the house of Ibrahim Ali salaam to give
him the glad tidings that his wife Sarah will have a child by the name of is Huck. At that time. As
soon as they came, they brought him out of Assam, he made salam to them, they responded to Salam.
		

			And immediately Ibrahim Ali Hassan went to go prepare some food for the guest. So that is why we
learned from this and the orlimar. What they have deduced from this is when the guests come, go
ahead and get started with the food, why? If you wait for those two, three families will always come
late. And they will come much later, what you're doing is you think that you are respecting them.
But what you're doing is you're disrespecting those who have come to your home, because for them
time is very important. And if you have called them they may have some other commitments. So they
have respected your request if you tell them to come at seven, okay. And by the way, a host. If you
		

			want people to come as seven, then you say seven, and you let people know that is seven o'clock, we
have this unnecessary this unfortunate sunnah in our community, that especially on wedding cards,
especially on wedding cards, it says six o'clock, they're like, I'm gonna go nine o'clock, like a
Jeep, you know. So it's a problem on our part, by the way, we have spoiled others, when you go
anywhere else, and it says six o'clock, you're gonna be there. 545 Okay, if it's an interview,
you're gonna be there. 530 pray today Casula. And then you're gonna go inside your interview place,
this is how we do things. But when it comes to other people's invites, and so forth, we need to be
		

			very particular about time. And here's the thing, we have become so accustomed to this, that we know
that people are going to come late. So we keep this trend going. It takes only a few families to lay
down the law in the entire community to lay down the standard in the entire community. A few
families, if they over and over again, they say six o'clock 630 Dinner will be served. And they
actually serve dinner as 630 Trust me, everyone is going to follow accordingly. But what has become
is everyone is doing the same thing over and over again. So that is why we have to be very
particular when it comes to time. So if the guests come to you give them then you should serve
		

			dinner as soon as possible or lunch or whatever it may be. And lastly, when you leave when they're
about to leave as a host, this is something that we find from the alumni not necessarily from the
seat of the Prophet of Salem. But when you leave, leave them all the way to the door, you don't sit
there where you are and say a cycle and go in your arms and take them all the way to the door, say
us and I want to come to them and greet them and let them be on their way. Now as a guest few things
that we have to keep in mind. Number one is we arrive on time we just talked about that. Number two
is
		

			as soon as the food is over, there are people who want to sit there and they do which we call which
we known as Gupshup. Okay, you know, just want to sit there and for hours and hours. Just want to
talk and talk and talk. Okay. And talking about politics and politics and politics and politics.
Okay? So that's why it's very important. We learn from the Quran, Allah subhana wa Tada says, Fenter
she rubella Musa Anissina, the Hadith, when the Prophet alayhi salam invited some people, the
prophet Allah says for either for him to when you have eaten fantasy to go ahead and leave. So we
have to make sure that we follow this custom that Yes, after food, there might be some dessert there
		

			might be some chit chat and so forth. But after that, we should not stay there for long why? Because
once you leave, the host has to clean up afterwards. So we have to be respectful of their home and
to be respectful of their time, especially when it comes to like, like someone who was sick. Or if
you are visiting someone who has lost a loved one in their family. You cannot just show up at their
door because it puts up puts a lot of pressure on the family. Number three, do not criticize the
food. Okay, there are times when people will sit there and the hostess
		

			Going away, and they're like,
		

			what a god colada, you know? So so the thing is that so that's why you have to be very careful here
is that, like, what is he feeding us you understand what kind of food is this and so forth. You go
to someone's house, they've called you with their heart you accept with your heart and whatever they
have given you, you eat that Inshallah, okay? Number four, if you are staying at someone's house for
a period for a period of time, then you should not accept anyone else's invitation outside, without
their permission, if you are staying, once again, you are a guest, someone tells you to stay at my
home for three, four days, for example, then in that case, and they'd say, we're gonna take care of
		

			you, we're gonna feed you, Inshallah, we'll look after you. In that case, you're not supposed to be
accepting anyone else's invitation outside, without letting them know and without their permission.
Next is, especially when you go to someone's houses, okay? And especially if you see like an Amazon
package, what is in here, you know, going through people's personal things is not appropriate, okay?
You see some letters and like, ooh.
		

			So it's not appropriate. So that's why staying out of people's personal matters is extremely
important when you go to someone's house. Also, when you enter, when you go to someone's house, a
lot of times you'll notice the host, if he wants to make sure that no one goes into a certain room,
they will close that door, okay? You don't go into that room and they say, man, let me see what's
inside this place. Okay? No, you keep the door closed, if they have closed the door, you respect
that, if they have turned off the lights of a room and the door is open, that means that they still
they don't want anyone to go inside, then you should not go inside. Unless they tell you that, okay,
		

			you know what you can go inside in that room than you're allowed to otherwise people should not be
going into other rooms. Also, touching things. Especially we gotta teach our children about these
kinds of things. When they go, they touch things, oh, hey, you guy, what's this? What's that? What's
this? What's that, and so forth, we have to be very careful about that. And also, I will add to
this, if your child goes somewhere, or you go somewhere, or someone from your family goes somewhere,
and they break something, they break something, it is your buddy law, it is your obligation, that at
least you get back in touch with the host. And you say that what is the cost that we pay? And a lot
		

			of times he might say, no, no, don't worry about it, and so forth. If you know exactly what you
broke, just ordered the same exact thing and give it back to them your assigned or if you know how
much of the value of it is, at least send it to them show a kind gesture? Yes, the host will say
obviously, don't worry about it. Okay, of course there was saying that, don't worry about it. But
you do, we have to do our obligation. And that is that if someone has broken something of theirs
from our family, we got to take responsibility.
		

			Also, it's very important that we don't, especially when people come together, that let's just say
the host speaks only English, I'm just giving you just a rough example. The host speaks only
English. And people are there chit chatting in other languages is not appropriate. Because they
don't know what you're talking about and so forth. So always speak the language that is common
amongst everyone. It keeps you know, the hearts together, if you start speaking other languages,
then it becomes problematic. Also, when it comes to gatherings at people's houses, there are times
where as you know, you're gonna find some people who are just they love to talk, they just love to
		

			talk. And sometimes they will talk so loud, that they you know, they overtake all the other
conversations that are taking place. So even if you're talking, then make sure you keep your tone in
a moderate level. Also, is something very important. I've talked about this before. I'm going to
remind everyone, you cannot go to someone's house and say, Is this food halal? Okay, it happens so
often. Is this halal? No is haram kya Okay, eat, okay. You can't do that kind of stuff. If you are
doubtful, like there are some people who are very, very particular about where they buy their meat
and so forth. I respect that. I totally respect that. But if you are in doubt and you feel like that
		

			you have some doubt about the person and where they buy their chicken from their meat from so forth.
Simply don't go to their house don't go to their house, but to go to someone's house and you're
about to dig in and you're like is it chicken Halal is is a beer you understand that this is not
appropriate and Wallahi there are people who are doing this till today you're in a sand so that is
why it's something that we need to cut out if you're not comfortable with what kind of food they're
going to offer or you know that okay, they buy their meat and chicken from a place where you're not
comfortable with simply don't go to their homes that is that is important to understand. And lastly
		

			and lastly, I will say this that do not interfere with the arrangement with the host. So if the host
says people sit here, people eat here and so forth. It is not allowed for us as a guest that we
interfere with the arrangements made by the host
		

			So these are things that we have to keep in mind these o'clock and adapt. And by the way, the reason
why I'm mentioning all this is because number one is a reminder for all of us, because what we are
as Muslims what we are known for, and what makes us different than everyone else, is the fact that
we have these adapt and we have this o'clock and it's important that we also teach our children
about these kinds of things. I said this last week, I want to say it again, you have to keep on
repeating it when it comes to the children Inshallah, keep on repeating it, keep on reminding them
Inshallah, and this will become education for them down the road. I ask Allah Subhana Allah to grant
		

			all of us the trophy. May Allah subhanaw taala grant us the clock that we have been taught by
Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, I mean Ramadan I mean, what is luck? Well, Lafayette said I
want to live but I'll catch you.
		

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