Nadim Bashir – Khatira – 6 Red Flags of your Potential Spouse

			So as you know, every Saturday we send, send here inshallah just trying to share with you some
things that we can learn from the family regarding related related to the subject of family, and
relate to the subject in the car, or marriage or divorce and things are going on in our community in
our society. And today inshallah I'm about to share with you is something that has already probably
passed for many of you who are sitting over here, but at the same time I'm about to share with you
is something that you can always look out for your own kids for your own children. Many of you have
children that one day inshallah they aspire to get married, they want to do, they do want to get
		

			married, they're looking for someone that they can be happy with insha Allah for the rest of their
life. But I'll be honest with you that majority of times when people come to my office, and they
told me things are going on in their marriage, the first thing I will generally ask them is, was
this happening prior to the marriage or this happen after you got married? And so high law majority
of the times, people tell me that we knew these kinds of things before the marriage, but we thought
that people may change after marriage. And this is where the issue is. So today Inshallah, in this
brief reminder, I'm going to share with you few things that especially when it comes to our
		

			children, when they they get married, and if anyone is here not married Inshallah, these are few
things you have to keep in mind that are considered as sort of red flags before you get married. The
very first thing that the Prophet salallahu it was sent on ours, Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
has always reminded us is that there are two things that should be at the highest level when you are
searching for another person. And that is religion, deen and o'clock. There is no compromise in
these matters at all. And by the way, this is something that we find in many a hadith the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam deen and Hollub and the reason why deen and Haluk is because there are
		

			things that you can look at beyond deen and holla. There's nothing wrong with that. Like when the
Hadith the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he says, Father father be that Deen Teddy. But the
ADAC, when the Prophet saw some says that a woman is made for four reasons. And then he says give
preference to religion over all the other things, it's not that the Prophet SAW somebody's telling
us that don't look at the other things, the problem son was saying give preference to religion over
everything else. So you have to give preference to look you have to give preference to how they are,
you know, how are you? Are you appealing to them or not? Or are they appealing to you or not?
		

			Because often what happens is that if you look overlook some of the other things are important, then
this is why there is infidelity in many marriages. So that is why once again Dean and Haluk RS two
things you have to look at in all circumstances. And by the way, Dean is not the superficial Dean
that we see today. A person is coming to the masjid unless they are religious. No, that's not
religion only religion is a whole spectrum. Religion is a spectrum. One aspect of religion does not
mean that a person's religious or often if they are a teacher, or if they read Quran and so forth.
Oh I saw this person at the masjid or I saw this person reading Quran does not does not matter that
		

			they are it doesn't mean that they are religious. So that is why religion is a spectrum, you have to
look at many different things. And not only that, but you have to look at the clock of a Muslim. If
they have a clock, then inshallah this is something that is a good matter of course, you have to
look at other things that are also important factors within a marriage. But Dean and o'clock are the
two most important things we have to look at when it comes to the subject and the topic of marriage.
Number two, I will say is which is very, very important is see how they treat their parents. I
SubhanAllah. One day I went to go conduct a marriage and Nika.
		

			And right after the Nika was over, I just conducted the afternoon Nikka and officiate the marriage.
The groom was sitting over there. And he said something very disrespectful to his mother. He says
something very disrespectful to his mother. And as a person, I could not I could not handle it. Well
Allah could not handle it, that he's disrespecting his mother on the day of his Nika. His Bride is
coming. She has not come yet. They're about to bring the bride later on. I just conducted the updo
Nikka and he's been so disrespectful to his mother. Right before the break came. I sat down with a
young man and I told him, I say here you are disrespecting your mother on probably the most happiest
		

			day of your life. How are you going to treat your wife? So that is why it is very important that if
you really want to gauge a person's o'clock, look at how they treat their parents. It really
highlights who they are truly as a person, how they talk to their mother.
		

			How do you talk to their father, father, and it goes for both, it goes for the man and for the
woman, if, if there is a, an atmosphere, a environment within the house, where children have no
respect for the parents, then they're never going to have respect for anyone else. If the parents
are the ones who have been taking care of them for the rest for all their lives, and they cannot
respect them, there's no way they're gonna show respect to their spouse.
		

			Number three, often people tell me, that what I see on paper or what I see in front of me might be
an issue, but inshallah down the road, they will change and they will make this one thing very
clear, do not ever have anyone in your family get married based on potential changes, it does not
work. What you see in front of you is what you will get even after marriage, in fact, you might even
get it a little worse, because the free first time two people meet, they always put on a very
pleasant persona, a very, you know, pleasant kind of personality. These always show you the good
side of the of their of their own, but then later on, when you begin to live with them, then they
		

			may show you some negative and some negative aspects also. So that is why it is very important that
if a person says, Oh, they will inshallah change, it does not ever work. If they promise you a
change, you still don't go on that I just don't go on those kinds of things. I remember I had a
sister who came to my office a long time ago, she came to me for premarital counseling, I went
through the whole my own personal process of premarital counseling will lay at the end, I told her,
I said, sister, my honest, humble opinion to you is don't get married. You should not get married to
this man. It's not you both are two entirely different people don't. And she said, No, no, don't
		

			worry, he will change. That was her words. Three months later, she was in my office for a divorce.
That is why it is very important that when it comes to our kids, and when they say oh, they will
change, no one changes most of the time. No one changes. You know, there's a saying in order. Okay,
I'll translate also, which is the heart of the Gaza Hill sector where they can add meaning with
delta, which means that a mountain can move it is more possible that amounted can move from his
place. But usually the people don't change their own behaviors. So that is why when you talk about
potential changes, don't go on potential changes what you see, which is what you're gonna get.
		

			Number three, which is a very important red flag in many cases is that if the man or the woman is
willing to commit haram, before the marriage or before the October Nikka, then usually that is a red
flag that they may do something afterwards if you know once again, as I said earlier, you're trying
to always put on your best personality your your best, you know, character forward when you're
meeting someone new. And in that if you're showing them that you have absolutely no regard for Dean
and you're willing to commit haram, even before the other Nikka is taking place, then usually the
case is that they will also push each other to commit haram even afterwards. Now I've seen this
		

			happening many times. If the woman is religious, she is religious in nature. Often the kids still
may become or they may not become religious, usually goes on the father. If the father is religious,
he sets the tone for the entire family. I've seen many cases where the mother is very religious, but
the father is not religious. And that is why this has an effect on the kids. And I've seen also the
opposite situation where the mother is not so close to the scene. But the father is very close to
the scene and Subhanallah you will see the kids on Dean there's a reason why when Allah subhanho wa
Taala he talked about the religion of a man although today it is part of our deen that when it comes
		

			to the marriage between a Muslim and non Muslim, Allah subhanho wa Taala has given permission for a
Muslim men to get married to a Kitabi woman. By the way, this is not the window Allah subhanho wa
Taala has given permission. It's not a recommendation. I had a young brother who came to my office
one time he says I can get married I told him, I say you can get married but it's not the
recommendation of Allah or His Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the fact that Allah has given
permission. Many people think that this is the recommendation. When it comes to marriage, we always
have to teach our children that it's about the upcoming generation. It's not just about them, and
		

			their satisfaction and their human needs and so forth. It's about the upcoming generation and you
have to look after them. So that is why if the father is on Dean in sha Allah, if the man is on
Dean, he can teach the woman and they will they will sit that set the tone for the entire family. So
that is why you have to Oh
		

			Also look prior to marriage, that if they're willing to commit haram, then they don't they will not
have a lot of regard for religion after marriage.
		

			Two more things and then inshallah we'll finish number number five is if the person is considered as
a people pleaser, meaning that they always are obsessed about pleasing everyone. Yes, yes, yes. Yes.
anyone ask him a question. Yes, yes, yes. Then usually I will say that do not ever, especially for
the daughters, do not ever give your daughter to that kind of person. Because if they cannot say no
to anyone in life, then they will never ever stand up for your daughter, either. They will become a
doormat for others. You need to this is why I keep on talking. And especially when I talk to young
men, I always teach them. And especially when it comes to our young men, they feel the need to
		

			please everyone, and I teach our young men you don't need to please everyone learn how to sometimes
say no. In fact, many times women find that very appealing that where a man is a man where he can
put his foot down when he needs to put his foot down. And he say yes, when he needs to say yes, but
a person who's a doormat, a person who says yes, in every single situation, a lot of times is not
appealing within others. So that is why I always learned we have to teach our young men that do not
ever feel the need that I have to say yes and become a people pleaser. I have to always stick to my
principles of life. And the last thing I will say is that when before you before we have our kids
		

			getting married, always one thing that you have to look at when it comes to the potential spouse is
last thing is what is the type of company that they keep? You know, subhanAllah I've done marriage
counseling and marriage. You know, when I do premarital counseling? One thing I usually often ask
is, Would you be okay, with like, what is your current situation? Like, what is your current company
like? And they will say that, where sometimes the man or the woman, they have a very open kind of
relationship, you know, they they're open with everyone and so forth. And that usually can have an
impact after your marriage. So imagine one person is, for example, the woman is a woman who is, you
		

			know, very open our relationship, okay? You know, while she went to school, and why she went to
college, and so forth, she has a very open relationship with men and women and so forth. And the
husband does not like that. Usually, that can become a very serious problem after marriage. That is
why you have to always look at the type of company that they keep. And usually my premarital
counseling that I conduct, I always ask these kind of questions that what kind of company do you
keep right now? And I always ask the other one that would you be okay, is they kept that kind of
company. So because it's something very important. There are times like, for example, when there's a
		

			doctor, a woman is about to get married to a doctor, I had this woman who came to me, she said that
my husband talks to many other women. Now, usually, if you say this one sentence, he will say like,
what's wrong with the men? But then I asked her, What kind of a profession does he have? And she
said that he's a doctor. I'm like, Well, you knew from before that he was a doctor, he's going to
interact with many women and so forth. He has talked to a lot of other women, he has to interact
and, you know, he has nurses to talk to and so forth. He's bound to talk to them. Is that the
problem? She says? Yes, I don't want him to talk to any other woman besides me. She is that special?
		

			Mashallah. And what happened was, I had to tell her that Did you know before you got married, that
he's a doctor? And she said, Yes, I knew. That's your choice. You knew that he's a doctor. There is
no doctor in America who says, You know what, I'm not going to talk to any women. You have so many
women in the workplace, in the workforce, and so far, you have to talk to them, as long as he's
keeping and maintaining his deen and so forth, in terms of his interaction with the others and so
forth. He's keeping it kosher. He's giving me a halal and so forth. There's nothing wrong with that
you knew that prior to getting married. Now, you cannot bring this up after you get married.
		

			Otherwise, you should have never got married to get married to this man to begin with. So that is
why it's very important that we always understand what kind of company they keep or they're keeping
prior to marriage. So these are just, you know, six things once again, religion and a flop. Number
two is how they treat their parents. Number three is potentially they will change number four is
committing haram prior to marriage. Number five is being a people pleaser. And number five is what
kind of company they keep. These are just few things Inshallah, I just wanted to share with you all
Inshallah, and going forward, Inshallah, what we're going to do starting next week is we're going to
		

			be starting a small series on the 40 Hadith regarding family and marriage. There are many series
that we find online. So that is why inshallah we're going to be starting those Hadith of the Prophet
salallahu Salam, starting next week, inshallah in our Saturday morning, series insha Allah may Allah
subhana wa Tada bring peace and happiness to our families that may Allah subhanaw and make it easy
for everyone and middle but I mean, what does that mean? Allah said, I'm already going to label the
cattle
		

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slaughtered in Poland he was slob ina was sloppy a lot the one before she before she
		

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