Nadim Bashir – 3 Things That Destroys Relationships In A Family!

			Today Inshallah, I want to share with you that in all the things that we journey cover when it comes
to family, what are the three things I will say, the three most important things that we have to pay
very close attention to. And I will say that for the majority of the times, when there are
relationship issues, the majority of times when it comes to relationship issues, it comes down to
three major areas of concern. So, meaning that there are three things that are happening a lot
within our families, that is a cause of destroying our relationships. And by the way, these are
three things that are key to every single relationship. It doesn't matter whether it's a
		

			relationship between a husband or wife, or parents and children, or even between even friends, even
between relatives of the family. So the very first thing that's happening a lot within our families,
which is destroying money or families is disrespect. Is disrespect. This is considered as a toxic
character characteristic. Anyone who is disrespectful towards each other, it will cause a dissent
within the family, it will cause a dissent within any kind of relationship. Now Subhanallah when we
talk about families in particular, we're talking about disrespect amongst the family. Often what we
see in families is that the majority of times a disrespect is happening between inlaws is happening
		

			between either husband and wife always happening between, for example, the wife and her mother in
law, or is happening between the father or the husband and his mother in law or his father in law.
First of all, is that when we talk about respect in general Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
would never ever disrespect anyone. And I've said this before, and I'll remind everyone again, that
Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was a son in law. And he was also a father in law in the same
capacity. He was a father in law, too. He was a father to who
		

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			It was fun. And he was a son in law to who?
		

			To overcome Amara, the Allah to dawn on Houma. So never did he ever crossed the line who crossed the
boundary of respect. He never ever said that I am Rasul Allah, I am the son in law, I can say
whatever I want to say no, this is something that happens Allah within our families, by the way,
that there's a lot of disrespect amongst inlaws how many times I've seen and unfortunately, this is
the case. But I've seen majority of the times the men disrespecting their in laws, your daughter is
my wife is an as if they say will lie, when I hear them talk is almost as if they your daughter is
my property, I can do whatever I want. I can talk to you, however I want. I don't have to listen to
		

			you. When we cross the boundaries of respect brothers and sisters, this is where we're going to have
relationship issues. When we talk about a wife, she has to also respect her in laws. Yes, I
understand there might be differences. i Yes, I understand that there might be have been some cases
in the past that has caused a dissent. But that does not mean that we disrespect each other. I have
been so many cases where people have come to me where women have come to me and they have told me
that our mother in laws are coming to our home, and my sister in laws are coming to my home, they're
openly disrespecting me in front of my husband. But my husband does not say a single thing. And I
		

			had to remind that husband, that if you are truly a man, that you will not let anyone disrespect
anyone in your family. And that also means that truly a man should not even allow I'm going to say
this very bluntly. But if your mother or your sister or your brother, and this is from the
perspective of a husband or wife, they are coming into your house and they're disrespecting someone
else in your house, then you should not even allow them to come to your home. Simple as that. Why?
Because if you truly want to establish a concept of respect within your own kids, you have to teach
your kids and you have to teach everyone in your family that disrespect is off the table. It does
		

			not matter who it is for. So and so a lot of times our families we cut slack that if these people
come into my home, they can show disrespect is fine. But these people cannot show disrespect no
brothers and sisters. Disrespect is considered as unacceptable across the board, and that is what we
need to stand up for Rasulullah sallallahu some never disrespected his son in law's Rasulullah saw
never disrespected his father in law's russula sub never disrespected his own. I mean he will never
disrespect the slaves of his house as well. Some will never district
		

			Like his own wives Rasulullah sallallahu. Some will never disrespect anyone who was related to his
spouse's Rasulullah sallallahu, while he was sitting will always show respect even to his own
stepchildren. Today in America, in many families, Muslim and non Muslim families, we see that when
stepfathers come into the picture, a lot of times there's abuse, a lot of times there's
mistreatment, and SubhanAllah. We learn from us allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that when it came
to the children, for example, in the case of OMA selama, or the Allah Tala Anna, she had a child
from Abu selama. But when the child came, and when almost Selma is, has married Rasulullah Salallahu
		

			Salam, and she's bringing a child into that marriage. What did the Hadith say? The Prophet salallahu
alayhi wa sallam was eating in the same place. Can you imagine how much love Roswaal some is showing
to his own step son, not even his own biological son, his own stepson eating in the same plates of
Heinola, how much love Roswaal some is showing. And not only that, but the Hadith says that when the
child's hands was moving around the plate, then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam He's telling
him does that take the name of Allah Subhana. With the Isla well could be a meaning eat from your
site, make sure your hand is not going around. It's not only this love, but it's also providing
		

			third BS SubhanAllah. So this is why brothers and sisters, I say this within a very strong sense
here, that if there's anyone who's coming into your family into your home, and they are
disrespecting anyone, then they should not be even allowed in your house, you need to set a
precedent, we need to set a precedent in our house, that disrespect is considered as unacceptable in
all circumstances. So this is the very first thing that is destroying majority of our relationships.
The second thing that is that is destroying our relationships is dishonesty. Now, it could be
dishonesty where a person is truly dishonest. Because in reality, if trust is lost in any
		

			relationship, that relationship will collapse, there's no there's no question about it. When it
comes to a husband and wife. If there is trust issues, then it does not matter. Whatever it is,
there's always going to be trust issues. And that means that anything that the husband does, is
going to be always there's going to be doubt involved. Anything that the wife does, there's going to
be doubt involved. And that happens all the time, even between between friends, if there is trust as
loss, eventually that relationship will also collapse. Now, it's very important to also understand
that when it comes to our relationships, we have to make sure that we have trust within our husband
		

			and wife, if they have shown a tendency, or they have done something in the past that says that yes,
trust can no longer be there, then yes, I will say that, okay, you can be you can have a certain
level, or a certain amount of doubt in them. But the very first thing that has to be built within a
relationship is trust. And we have to make sure that we don't do anything to violate that trust. So
let me give you an example. There are times where, you know, this is why you say that, before we get
married, we always have to talk to our our potential spouse. And we have to also let them know
exactly what we do as as as you know, for business purposes or job purposes. The reason I say this
		

			is because every single woman is different, every single man is different. There are some men and
women, for them, it is completely unacceptable for their potential spouse to be conversing with
anyone of the opposite gender, they're just very, I will say sometimes they could be insecure about
it. Or sometimes they're just very strict about it that whoever I marry, I don't want them to be
conversing with anyone of the opposite gender. That is why a lot of times when they fight, you know,
after they get married, and they see that their husband, or because they have jobs, and they're
conversing with people of the opposite gender, it turns into a big issue. I've talked about this
		

			before that one time there was a doctor who got married. And when his wife I mean, later on wife
said we're fine. Because usually, it's like, okay, what do you do for our profession? How much money
do you make and so forth. And for them, it was like, Okay, how many like he makes enough money that
he can support my daughter and so forth. They got married, but then realizing that a doctor has to
converse with nurses, he has to talk to so many different people of the opposite gender. So this is
his profession. This is what he has to do on a day to day basis. If you want food to be put on the
table, and you want a roof over your head, this is how your husband's gonna work. And she made a
		

			very big issue about this, that why do you keep on talking to other girls, and why do you talk to
other women and so forth? Well, that's part of his job. He's not
		

			being unfaithful, he's not crossing the bounds of a being untrue, or being untrustworthy. By simply
he's just doing his job. But this becomes an issue. And then what happens is, there's always a trust
issue, she's always she's always has this mindset, that he's doing something that is wrong. And not
only that, but putting them, you know, tracking him wherever he's going, tracking, whatever, you
know, checking his phone, and so forth. Now, look, there are some husbands who are just clean as a
slate, okay? Their slate is absolutely clean, they give their has their give their wives their
phones, and they say, you can check your check my phone, and so forth. But there are some husbands
		

			who are very protective of their phone. And they have a right to do that. So they have a right to do
that. So yes, it is better if you gave your phone to your wife, and she went through it, just so
that you know that she has trusting you and you have trust in her. The point is that trust has to be
worked upon. But at the same time, you have to know what you're getting into also, this is something
very, very important. And if you feel that trust will not be will not be there in any marriage. Did
I even get into that to begin with. This is why even there are cases I've dealt with, where
sometimes even the man, the man is so Subhanallah, I will say that such a open book characteristic,
		

			or he has such an open book character, I will say that he is so comfortable around every single
person, that then of course, the wife is going to have some kind of doubt yours. And then I mean,
because he's just, he's not even an open book. Like it's more than just an open book concept. Yes.
And so that is why you have to always make sure that you don't do anything that could violate the
trust within any family. The last thing I will say, which is destroying many families, is the
concept of controlling. See, I talked about this before that whether you know what is what does a
controlling 100 personality mean? It means that I want you to drop whatever you're doing, and be
		

			there for me, this is what it means I want you to job, whatever it is that you're doing, and you
come to my aid. And whenever you call out to me, I'm not going to be there for you, you're inside.
That's a controlling kind of personality. Another kind of understanding of a controlling personality
is that you always try to assert your power over them, you always use try to try to show them that
they are going to remain intimidated by you and you have complete complete control over their life.
So a lot of times this happens also between a husband and wife. And this also happens between
parents and children, even after they get married. So I've talked about this before, where sometimes
		

			parents have such a controlling personality over their children, that though they are controlling
their children, they have taught their children that this is not called controlling, this is called
obedience, you understand? You are mashallah very obedient daughter, you are very obedient son. But
it's not they're not showing obedience, the parents have created such a situation, that they have
complete control over their life, like that son, and his wife cannot do anything without the parents
being involved. And that's called being controlling, no matter what the situation is. And they play
this kind of emotional kind of game with their own children, at times, you and your wife, whatever
		

			you're doing, you drop it and you come to our aid, or you and your husband, drop whatever you're
doing come to our aid, and whatever the you need help, we're not going to be there for you. So this
is something that is destroying also many families, because it's, you know, there's always in was
involved. Now, this also happens between a husband and wife also, that there's a lot of
intimidation, if you do this sort of highlight. This is, by the way, a very back home mentality, a
very, you know, overseas mentality. And many of us, we come from this kind of culture,
unfortunately, if you do this our divorce you if you do this, I will divorce you, this kind of
		

			controlling personality does not exist within our deen you cannot. And this happens once again, you
see many times husbands doing this. But husbands will say if you do this, I will divorce you if you
do this, just the intimidation of divorce over and over again. And not only that, but on top of that
just complete control over them. Husband is saying I want you to drop whatever you're doing and be
there for me. But what about when the wife needs your attention? What about when the wife needs the
help? And she's never then then you're never there for her? Or it could also happen the other way
around. But the point is this controlling there's a lot of families that are being destroyed, and a
		

			lot of families falling apart. Why? Because whether there's controlling issues from parents towards
their children, or between the between the husband wife and their in laws, or even between the
husband and wife and once again, there was no control when we say the life of the prophet center.
There was no concept of control over the wives of the Prophet sallallahu it was never did any wife
of the Prophet it is and feel that the Prophet
		

			Are you some is controlling us, intimidating us and so forth? Yes, Allah subhanho wa Taala told the
wives of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that if you want to be the wife of the Prophet,
Allah Islam, there are certain injunctions that you have to follow that are not required but other
Muslim women. Okay, there are some certain rules that you have to follow that are not required for
other Muslim women. And not only that, but if you're going to be the wife of the Prophet SAW Salem,
you're going to have to sacrifice this dunya the Allah subhanho wa Taala put this up on the wives of
the Prophet Allah Islam and they fully accepted with their whole heart and then they were told that
		

			if you go through this, then inshallah in the hereafter there will be an abundance that amount of
reward and blessings for you in the hereafter in jannah inshallah Allah but there was no control
never did it prophesied some have a controlling personality over his own family, whether his own
kids even when it came to Isley and faulty Maradi Allah Tala Anna, even the yes that by the way,
there are stories that are mentioned where there were conflicts between Ali and Fatima the Allah I
know, but never did Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam ever feel that he has control over Fatima
or he has control over Ali despite the fact that he grew up in a house in the province of Salem,
		

			when the province in some became a prophet who was the person who accompanied the province of Salem
wherever he went whenever he would go and do a brother in secrecy and so forth. It was either the
Allah Tala and when the Prophet SAW Selim became a prophet, I, you know, the Allah Allah was 10
years old. So a little the Allah one was always around us, Allah salAllahu alayhi wa sallam, and
usually what happens in many cases, I will say that when someone has always been around you all your
life, you feel like you can control their lives, you feel like you can do whatever you want to in
their life and interfere as much as you want in their life, because I've always been part of them.
		

			And I've always been superior than them. But Subhanallah Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
never had a controlling mindset over his daughter or even his son in law or you know, the Allahu
Allah and, in fact, whenever he would go into the house of Ali and Fatima, and he would notice or
sense a,
		

			a conflict or perhaps, that he will always be the peacemaker between the two people. So this is what
we need to do. These are the three things I will say that for each one of us, for each one of us, we
have to take stock ourselves that are we doing this in our families. Number one is disrespect is not
tolerated at all should not be tolerated in our families at all dishonesty, and making sure that we
work hard to establish trust between between our relationships, and number three is making sure that
we don't ever try to have this personality of controlling other people or intimidating other people.
This one Inshallah, if we can stay away from these three things. Inshallah, you will see that
		

			there'll be much more harmony within our own, within our families inshallah. And within all of our
relationships, ask ALLAH SubhanA wa Taala to bring peace and happiness to all types of relationships
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