Mustafa Khattab – Desperate To Marry 3
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the importance of marriage and the importance of maintaining stable relationships and support family members. They emphasize the need for individuals to be strong in their faith and find the right person for marriage, practicing religion, and respecting others' rights and obligations. They also discuss the importance of finding the right person and common interests to avoid mistakes and marriages. They stress the need for common interest and backgrounds to avoid mistakes and marriages, and mention a past experience where a deceased man's wife offered him marriage to her instead of her sister.
AI: Summary ©
Shala. Tonight
we will talk about everyone's,
most favorite topic which is marriage, nikah.
And of course everyone's least favorite topic is
death. Right?
Although they're
actually related,
top leading factor to death is basically
marrying the wrong person.
The first example that comes to mind when
I think of this is the black widow
when we study in,
about spiders and stuff. So as soon as
they get married,
the husband is eaten by the wife. Right?
And as soon as the wife gives birth
or
the the eggs hatch and the kids come
out, they eat their mother. Right?
This is why Allah
when he speaks about
messed up families,
in the Quran, he refers to spiders.
The flimsiest
of all homes is that of the spider.
Why? Because the family is broken up. The
husband is gone, and the wife is gone,
and when the kids grow up, they eat
one is gone, then the wife is gone,
and when the kids grow up they eat
one another, right? It's talking about the family
structure, they are not close to each other.
Of course, last time we spoke about marriage
and we said that
when Allah
speaks about marriage in the Quran, he calls
it mitharkan
galeaba,
a serious commitment. Right?
Also Allah
says that when he created for us spouses,
like wives and husbands,
this is a marjizzah. This is like one
of the signs of Allah. So
Allah
calls it a marjiza, a sign.
We probably mentioned last time,
the story of Adam alayhi salaam when he
was in Jannah,
before Eve was created,
and he felt lonely. Although he was surrounded
by Malaika all the time. Right? So at
some point he couldn't he couldn't live there
anymore. Right? So he prayed and prayed and
Allah
created Eve
for him. Because we as human beings, we
like to be with someone of our own
kind. Right?
LeNukil Matl al insan
comes from al uns.
Uns, which means basically to feel comfortable with.
So we we feel comfortable with one another
as human beings.
We also spoke about
people's desire to get married, and this is
something Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala created into us.
So if we are born
without this drive or without this urge
to get married and to start a family,
then the human race will die out. So
Allah
created
this in us and this is one of
the niyam of Allah
Starting
from the age of
13, 14, when people reach puberty,
they start thinking about marriage. Right? And of
course, at that time they are not stable.
Between the age of 13, 14 until the
age of 18, 19,
you think about I'm talking about boys here.
I don't know about sisters.
You think about marrying a different girl every
day. So you see a girl, Nancy, for
example, oh, I wanna marry Nancy.
The next day, Nancy is not good. Maybe
Julie,
Joanne,
Sameera, Fatima. So every, you know, a different
girl every day because we are not stable.
We don't make the right decisions.
So if you ask someone,
in grade 7 or grade 6 or 5
what do you want to do when you
grow older,
Today, they will tell you I wanna be
an engineer.
Next day, I wanna be a doctor. The
day after, I wanna be a teacher.
The day after, I wanna be a nurse.
So they end up being a cook. Right?
So because we change all the time during
that time. So when you hit 18, 19,
and 20, you start to slow down and
make stable decision the right decisions, calculated decisions.
Right? Because now you are not driven mostly
by desire,
but
now you think about the future
and what it means to to be a
family man or a family woman and to
start a family. But before this, people are
mostly driven by desire. Just to be with
with someone. Right? So this is how people
think.
So whether you should get married
now or no, or whether you should occupy
yourself with thinking about marriage,
are you ready to get married or no?
For the brothers, for example, they have to
be able to provide.
Right? When Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala speaks about
men and women in the Quran,
he says, The
the men have a degree of responsibility
over the women. They have to provide and
they have to work and and and and
take care of the take care of the
family.
So the person has to be able to
do this. And also for the sisters,
they have also to realize what it means
to to be a wife, to be a
mother, and for the husband,
what it means to be a father, to
to be a husband.
We spoke before about I'm not sure here
or in the masjid, about the difference between
a male and a man,
a woman and a female. There's a huge
difference between the two. Right?
So for example, when you look at the
Quran, every word is put in the Quran
precisely.
So when Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala talks about
the people who stand up for justice, he
calls them men. Rijal.
Sah. Wajalu
minasam madinatiya sah. The man who came to
warn Musa alayhi salam because the people were
were conspiring to kill him.
So he is called a man in the
Sur, Lajul Sa'b.
Minal mumineenarijaarun
sadaqummaa'alullah.
There are men among the believers who have
fulfilled
or kept their word or have been true
to their word to Allah
And so on and so forth. Example there
are so many in the Quran. But when
he talks about inheritance,
Allah says,
he doesn't talk about men, he talks about
males. Right?
So you will get a share from inheritance
even if you're an idiot. Right?
But you're only called a man in the
Quran if you're a man. So what is
the difference?
The difference is,
between a man and a male. A male
basically is someone who is able to
get married and make kids.
Right? This is what is called male in
Arabic or also in the Quran. But a
man, a person who is able to provide,
to maintain,
take care of the family, to be an
example,
to stand up for what is right, to
do the right thing. This is what is
called man in the Quran. A woman
the difference between a woman and a female,
a female is someone who is able to
make babies.
This is the basic definition.
A woman is someone who is able to
take care of the family,
to shoulder the responsibility
of raising
good kids, Muslim kids,
to be able to help her husband raising
good kids, take care of the family. So
there's a huge difference between the two. And
this is why Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala talks
about
Nisa and he talks about Inaf.
Right? Just like the men.
Ta'ban, the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, when he
talks about the criteria
for marriage, he he puts 4 of them.
We know the hadith.
He says women are married for four reasons.
Either for their beauty,
for their wealth, for their status and family,
or for the fact that they are practicing
and they are good Muslims. They are virtuous
and righteous. Then the prophet
said, aim
for the virtuous and the righteous and the
practicing one.
But does this mean that I should go
and marry
are you saying Shrek?
You know,
Fiona?
The the ogre lady?
Should I go and marry someone like her
just because she prays 5 times 5 times
a day?
I mean when she is green, like ogre.
No.
So there's nothing wrong Islamically
if you look for the most beautiful sister,
gorgeous sister. Right? And there's nothing wrong,
if a sister looks for, mashaAllah, good looking
brother from a good family.
But religion has to be there somewhere. The
person has to be practicing. Because
if the person is not practicing, all these
things don't mean anything.
And, some of the rama'at, they said, when
you look at the four things that the
prophet spoke about,
if you take religion,
the
person is practicing the faith. So if you
have a board,
put number 1
to the right.
So if you have religion, the person is
practicing, put 1.
Then if the person is beautiful, put a
0 to
the right.
So you have 10 now, right? So 1
and 0 for the beauty, 10.
If the person is from a good family,
they put another 0. Now you have a
100. Right?
If the person,
is from is rich, has money,
status,
put another 0. So we got a 1,000.
So
if
the beauty is not there, you take a
0.
You are still left with a 100. Right?
If the person is not from a very
high class family in the society, you take
a 0, you're left with 10. Right? If
the person is not,
from a very rich family or is not
beautiful, whatever, the the 3 other ones, at
least you are left with 1 at the
end which is the religion, the person who's
practicing.
But if you just take the one at
the beginning if the person is not practicing,
all these 3 zeros don't mean anything.
No value. Right? If you take out the
one to the left and and leave the
3 zeros
to the right, you're left with nothing. Right?
3 zeros. Right? So this is how I
explained it.
A man came to Al Hasan al Basri
and said, there are 2, 3 guys are
proposing for my daughter.
One of them is rich,
one is from a very good family, and
the other one is good looking. Or actually
the third one is is a good Muslim
but
he doesn't have a lot of money. He
he can just keep, you know, his face
above his head above the water. He he
can survive.
So Al Hasid al Basri radiAllahu anhu said,
and
so marry her to the one who is
practicing.
Why? He said because
if he loves her,
he will honor her,
but if for some reason he starts to
hate her, he will not be unjust to
her. But if someone is not practicing,
if he loves you, inshallah, it will be
good. But if he doesn't love you, he
will not honor you. And I've seen in
so many cases,
the guy is married to the lady and
something happens, he decides to marry another lady.
So what he does because
some of the brothers are evil.
I know because I'm 1. So what happens,
he knows that he owes money to the
first one
and he's going to marry another one, but
he doesn't want to pay another month. So
what he does, he makes the life of
the first one a living *.
So much so, so that you will tell
him, okay, I'm gonna give you the month,
just let me go. I don't want anything
from you. Then he will take the month
and he will give it to the second
one. And this is haram of course. Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala Surat al Nisad says
So he says if you want
to divorce 1 and marry another 1 and
you you gave
a heap of gold or a mountain of
gold to the first one, don't take a
penny of it. Right? This is a haq.
This is her man. Right?
Saeed ibn Musayid
he was a scholar
and a great man.
2 people proposed to his daughter. One of
them was Al Waleed ibn Khalifa, Abdul Malik
ibn Moran. He he proposed and he he
said I'm gonna pay 100 of 1000 of
dinars,
gold.
Then, Sayid ibn Musa'id offered his daughter
to his student who basically had nothing. Right?
And he, he asked of 2 dinars for
Ma, from his student. That's like we're talking
about 5, $7.
Right? That's all.
Why? Because he was aiming at a deen,
someone who's practicing. But if she got married
to the son of the Khalifa,
who was spoiled,
he's gonna make her life
miserable. Right?
So you always look for someone who's practicing.
Now,
that deen that the prophet talks about the
hadith in the hadith,
what does it mean to be practicing?
Should I look for a sister, for example,
with a beard? Right?
No. This goes for the brother. Because people
sometimes judge by the looks.
What the prophet
talks about in the Hadith, a person who's
practicing
not only the looks. The looks is one
thing. Right? But also
in Muhamalat.
Every in the Deen al Islami,
the the the religion stands on 2 feet.
1 is Ibadat, your relationship with Allah. This
is good if the person prays all the
time, he fasted all the time, he fasted
all the time, all these things, this is
good.
But the second half of the faith is
Muhamalat.
How do you deal with the people?
How honest you are, how nice you are
to the people. Good and kind and respectful
and courteous. All these things.
So sometimes, some people will focus
on,
you know, praying and fasting and all these
things. But when it comes to Muhammad, some
people are just nasty. Right? And some people
are nice, but they don't pray, Which I
don't recommend either. Right? So a person should
have to keep the balance
between the relationship with Allah and also the
relationship with the people.
So this is what we mean by practicing.
Someone who
knows halal and haram.
That's it.
Someone who knows their rights and their obligations,
responsibilities.
That's all we need. Right? So we don't
ask people to have, like, a PhD in
Islamic Studies to be qualified as a good
Muslim. No, we're not asking for this. You
just, you know halal and haram, what is
right and what is wrong. Your rights and
obligations and khalas. That's all we need from
you.
There is a sunnah that the Sahaba used
to do that we unfortunately wouldn't have these
days,
they used to offer their daughters and their
sons for marriage. They would go to someone
of the Sahaba would go to another Sahabi
and would say, I know you're a good
brother, would you please marry my daughter?
There is nothing wrong in this. I know
in our culture, if you come from a
Muslim country
and
if you tell someone, why don't you offer
your daughter to someone? They'll say, okay.
They they make you feel like you hurt
their feelings because
you make them feel like your daughter is
miserable, no one is interested in her.
But this is something the Sahaba did. There's
a hadith in Bukhari.
Her husband
died, Rahimullah. He was in Medina, Sahabi.
So her husband passed away.
So, Umar
will offered his daughter to Umar
Can I please marry you my daughter?
Because he knows he's a good Muslim. Right?
But if someone comes to you, you don't
know anything about them,
you don't know. Right? But if you know
someone and you you offer them your daughter
or your son in marriage,
this is a good thing because you already
know them. Right? So
Asmar Radulallah said, will you please give me
some more time when I think about it?
As I said, this is in Bukhari. He
came to him 2 days later and he
said,
I don't think I need to get married
for the time being.
So
Omar al the Alhamu was angry because
he offered
and his offer was turned down and that
was hard on him.
Flynn,
now this is the worst part. He went
to Abu Bakr and,
match Allah, high expectations.
I think when I offer my daughter to
Abu Bakr, the greatest hobby after the prophet
sallallahu alaihi wasallam, he's gonna accept immediately.
And he's my good friend too.
So,
he's, Abu Bakr al Allain was sitting there.
And Omar al Allain went up to him
and he shook his hand and he said,
I'm offering you my daughter in marriage.
So he said that, Abu Bakr looked at
the floor and he didn't even respond to
me.
At least Ufmar radiAllahu
said something 2 days later, but
nothing. He didn't say a word.
Then Abu Bakr went to Umar and said,
do you know why I didn't answer?
Because I heard the prophet
mentioned your daughter that he was going to
propose. And I didn't want to give,
to, you know, to publicize the secret of
Rasulullah. Now you know, I told
you,
Khilaz. But the point is he offered his
daughter to Uthmar and
to, to Abu Bakr
in their age. And there's nothing wrong Islamically
in this.
When you look for someone to marry,
I'm gonna touch on some basic points
that I think Insha'Allah would help you
to find out,
to find the right person,
smoke him out,
right, for for the marriage.
Number 1,
There's something they call
It's hard to translate in English.
The closest word is
equality.
We have this, term in Adam, I'm not
sure if it exists in English. Someone who
is cut from the same cloth.
Does it make any sense?
Like someone who shares some something with you.
Someone
that you have some
common grounds with. Right? And by this, I
don't mean someone who is vegetarian like you,
someone who supports the blue, what is that?
Hockett team? Blue jays. Blue jays. Yeah. Not
necessarily.
We're taught the the the the common grounds
are the religion.
Right? That you are practicing, you love Islam,
you want to raise a good Muslim family.
So these are the backgrounds. You know halal
and halal. You know your rights and your
responsibilities.
But
if you are a vegetarian and she is
a carnivore.
You are conservative and she is liberal.
You support hockey, she supports soccer. Right? There's
nothing wrong. I mean, you will never
find 2 identical couple in in this whole
world. There has to be something different. And
so they make 10 Vegas together. Right? Why?
Because all these things don't matter, really.
So what matters is,
they have the foundation
which is Islam, and
to know what is right and and what
is wrong.
Of course,
part of the
kafah and some of the requirements
there's a huge difference among the kafah and
all these things. If someone comes from humble
backgrounds and he's proposing to a sister from
a noble family and all these things,
Someone is older, someone is younger,
someone from a different culture,
someone from a different race, all these things
don't really matter in sharia. Because we see
the sahaba,
you will
see
interracial marriages between the Sahaba. Right? Some of
them were rich, some were poor. You'll see
someone like the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam,
he came from humble backgrounds and he was
married to Khadija Radilah. She was rich, right?
She was older, he was younger.
These things don't really matter.
But as I said, they have to to
have some common grounds so they can understand
each other and they can survive together.
One of the things,
I've done a lot of counseling
sessions and what There are some reasons why
families always,
or actually marriages end in divorce.
One of them
was, I call it the Oscar factor. The
Oscar factor is when people are acting before
marriage. Right? For the Oscars.
Oh, sister,
you know,
I pray all the time, inshallah, after we
get married we're gonna go Ramadan for Hajj.
There's no Hajj in Ramadan, but it's not
a problem. The thing is the guy is
bluffing. Right? And the sister, MashaAllah, I'm gonna
wake you up all night for salah and
Ibadah. Right?
And she's gonna wake him up all night
to talk about vacations and the bills and
and all that stuff. Right? Just be yourself.
Right? If you don't pray on time or
if you have defects in your personality, just
just just be frank about it. Right? You
don't hide hide things
from someone who's going to share,
the next 50, 60 years of your life
in this world, and when you go to
Jannah together,
you will be together as well. I know
this comes as bad news for a lot
of brothers every time I say this.
I remember one time one of the shiyuf
was giving a chutba, and he was describing
people in Jannah. Right?
So he said, masha Allah, you will go
to your place in Jannah and you will
fly,
and the people are you can hear the
excitement in the masjid.
If you see a goose or a duck
and you wish to have it for lunch,
it's gonna fall right in front of you
with hummus and rice and all the salad
and all the good stuff. Masha Allah, the
people must attack the air.
Then, masha Allah,
the rivers of honey, the rivers of milk,
the rivers of alcohol, and all the type
of beer people are excited.
They
will come toward you, and the people are
excited. Then some people
So this is a very serious decision.
If you have if you are,
if you have sleep apnea,
you snore,
right, people, like, from the,
you know, from,
like 2 miles away can hear you.
I mean, this is something you need to
talk about. Right? If you have problems, if
you have health problems,
because people get married
and like one case, one sister said, okay,
I got married to this guy, he told
me he's a professor or something,
and she later found out that he doesn't
even he couldn't even read or write.
Things like this or jobs or money,
People keep secrets from each other and they
they they act.
I love this story.
Bilal Radillah Anbu. You know Bilal the Sahabi.
His brother
told him, he was going to propose to
a lady, you know, Belar Adelai'an who came
from
a slave background and his brother was the
same thing. So he said to his brother,
I want to propose to this Arab
lady from
noble
family.
So would you please come with me and
give me some support? Like a reference, tell
them something nice about us so inshallah they
will marry me their daughter. Says no problem.
Then Bilal Radiallahu
went with his brother
to the family and he said,
Now English.
So they went to the family, so Bilal
started to give the talk
and he said, I'm Bilal,
and this is my brother.
We used to be slaves and Allah gave
us freedom.
We used to be poor and Allah made
us rich.
We're misguided, Allah gave us guidance and elevated
us.
If you wish to marry him your daughter,
Alhamdulillah, but if you turn him down, Allah
Akbar. Allah is bigger than all of us,
Allah is the greatest.
So they said okay, alhamdulillah, we'll marry him
our daughter.
Khalas. They
accepted the offer.
The problem is on the way back, Bilal's
brother was so mad.
Like, he said, I brought you here to
say something nice about me.
He said, why didn't you talk about the
Alhijra?
We accepted Islam early on.
We we work with the prophet all the
time. We did all these good things. Now
you're talking about slavery, about poverty, about misery.
What is this?
Right? He said, keep your mouth shut because
you got married because of my truth, because
I'm honest. Right? So
be honest. Right?
Now we'll talk briefly about
interracial marriages.
You know, this is a very,
controversial issue in the Muslim world because some
a lot of families are against it. Right?
Egyptians,
Libyans,
Saudis,
for the most part,
Kurdistan,
of course. If you are from one of
these countries and you go to your dad
and say, well, I wanna marry a sister
from Sudan or a sister from Somalia or
a sister from Morocco.
You will be lucky if he shoots you
twice.
Right?
Because a lot of people are against interracial
marriages. Right? As I said, the Sahaba, you
already married people from different backgrounds and different
races, and there was no problem because Islam
was there.
A lot of us think if you get
married to someone from another race,
they will win over and you will not
have the connection with your family, and your
wife will not have anything
in common with your family,
so there will be a rift
in in the family. So people have all
these words.
I've seen a a couple of cases where
the interracial marriages ended in divorce.
Now we have a brother
from Lebanon,
if I remember correctly, and the sister was
from Algeria.
He came to me, we're sitting there, and
they used to speak Arabic at home. And
the Lebanese
I talk Arabic too. Right? But I find
it almost impossible to understand someone from Lebanon
unless they speak slowly. Right?
Also, it's almost impossible for me to understand
someone from Tunisia or Algeria
if they speak fast. Right?
I don't know. So now,
imagine if both of you are talking now.
Right? He talks in Arabi, totally different from
the Algerian or Tunisian Arabi. So one time
they came to me for counseling and they
said, okay,
I don't understand. Because of the cultural differences
and the language barrier. Although both speak Arabic,
but I saw it as a language barrier.
So one time,
she said, she raised her voice to me
and
she cussed at me. Right?
I said, why did you do this? She
said, well, I didn't raise my voice, but
this is how we speak at home back
home. Right? It's a cultural thing.
And I didn't curse at him. The word
I don't remember the word she said or,
I don't remember the word or something like
that. It means
walk faster,
but in his language or something, it's it's
like an insult.
And I said she didn't mean anything wrong,
but this is how they speak and
and in her language this is okay. Right?
But again, because of all these,
you know,
the differences,
things happen.
But again, if the love is there
and Islam is the foundation for the marriage,
it should work inshallah.
I remember one time,
I think it was an American Canadian sister?
New Muslim sister. She got married to a
brother, I think from Libya.
Is there anyone here from Libya? Okay.
So what happened,
they got married,
they went to Libya to spend their
I don't mean to offend you. It's a
funny story. Right? So they traveled together to
Libya.
Right?
So for their honeymoon, they stayed in the
family's house in Tarapalus or Pembroz.
And
the lady was telling us
that her husband,
he went downstairs,
they they sit like in front of the
house as we do in Egypt.