Musleh Khan – Parenting with Love and Logic

			Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim
		

			al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil aalameen wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah he sallallahu alayhi wa ala
early he was Harvey Marine, a mother and brothers and sisters, my companions, my friends, all of us
as slaves and servants to Allah subhanho wa Taala
		

			Let me take a few seconds to tell you something,
		

			something that if I say it insha Allah, it will bring our hearts that much closer together.
		

			Something a statement if I say it to you insha Allah, it will be the same statement that all of us
will say to one another in Allah paradise. As a matter of fact, it will be the same statement that
inshallah Allah you and I we will say before we enter the gates of Paradise, and I say to it from a
heart that loves all of the hearts in front of me here today for the sake of pleasing Allah azza wa
jal and I say to you, as salaamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
		

			And good morning,
		

			it's it's early, I know that, and I think with this topic that I have for you in sha Allah,
		

			it's a very important topic, but it's a very practical topic. Whether you are a parent or not. I
think insha Allah, you can relate to this topic titled, parenting with logic and love.
		

			Now, the first thing that I thought about when I got this topic is that I've addressed this topic so
many times in my life. But every single time I discuss this topic, it always feels like I'm doing it
for the first time all over again. It always seems like when I put together a topic like this, new
things start to come to mind, new issues, are there. Other verses in the Quran that I initially
didn't think about are somehow now related to the same topic. The theme of this topic was actually
based on a verse in the Quran and suited to him it's a verse that I'm sure all of us here we know
we're allies. So it just tells us Oh, you who believe Yeah, you are letting me know who and for
		

			Sakuma alikoum. Note on protect yourself and your families from the fire. The first thing that I
noticed from this verse, you notice the verse doesn't say, who and fusa comb. What Likud jahannam.
Allah azza wa jal didn't call the fire by its title, this punishment by its title jednym it Allah
azza wa jal refers to it and uses the word nowra fire. And I thought to myself a look at the image
that Allah is creating for the reader. The image that Allah is literally saying here is protect
yourselves from the root of the problems in your family. And think about the jahannam think about
the Hellfire, the root or the heart of the Hellfire, that jahannam is the fire itself. So it says if
		

			Allah is saying, when you protect yourself and your family, if you see your child start to answer
you start to become rude to you start to become rebellious against you start to defy your rules and
your authority in your home. Allah azza wa jal from the image of this verse is telling you you got
to stop that problem, right at that very moment. Don't just put yourself in a bubble and think it's
just a phase in sha Allah, my child's gonna grow out of it. Yeah, okay, he's gonna swear and he's
gonna yell and he's gonna yell at me, he's gonna do this, and he's gonna do that. But it's just a
phase in sha Allah, I'll be patient. Don't put yourself in that bubble. It's as if Allah is telling
		

			you deal with the root of the problem. And what's interesting is even the core and addresses key
issues this way, Allah will tell you don't get close to Xena. Allah doesn't necessarily have to tell
you don't do it. He just says don't get close to it. That will close all the doors that lead to that
problem. So the first thing that I want to do in sha Allah is I want to start off by looking at the
bigger picture of the problem with parenting children today.
		

			Most of us who are sitting in this room, as a matter of fact, probably most of the Muslim community
in this part of the world are not exactly from here. They've migrated from other countries and other
regions around the world at some point in their lifetime. Either they themselves or their parents or
their grandparents, that had to be some lineage that they came to this part of the world at some
point in time. This is your first lesson in how to parent children, especially in the West. And it
is my humble opinion, that parenting children here in the West, is the most difficult task for
parents, in any part of the world. If you have to parent children in this part of the world, it's
		

			the most difficult thing ever. And you'll see why
		

			you brought and your families, all of them, they came to this part of the world, your first lesson
is to understand that if your children grow up in this society, and they start building those bad
habits, or they start hating the foods that you used to like, they start hating the way that mom and
dad dresses because they want to wear their own thing. They want to dress like you know, their
favorite rock star, their favorite celebrity, they're this and they're that the first thing that you
have to understand is, at some point, it may not necessarily be their fault that they think this
way. It may not be their fault that they think this way. Why? Because it wasn't their choice to be
		

			brought and raised in this part of the world. They didn't come here. We were the ones that brought
them here. So if they grow up, and I don't know, they don't like nine and they don't like roti, they
don't like the stewed chicken and they don't gel phrasing that stuff they don't like. But instead
they tell you Mom, I prefer burgers. On fries. I want a milkshake. You know that's going to be my
breakfast. You know, they want chocolate, things like that. This tells you that your child's whole
mentality about this society is very different from yours. Today, if you tell a child walk to
school, what is he gonna say to you? Mom, what do you think I am, you know, they won't walk to
		

			school. That's like absurd. You know, why would you tell a child to walk to school? I mean,
sometimes you might find some children will drive over to their neighbor's house. I mean, it's like
to gone to that extent, but you and I, well, not exactly me, right. But maybe a lot of the mothers
fathers here. When you were going to school, you were walking 10 kilometres or something or seven
kilometres. This was after milking the cow in the morning before fudger this is what after you know,
preparing breakfast for 16 of your closest family members. And then you go to school and then you're
writing on a tree or something right? Like you know, some Hannah, it's such a different level of
		

			training.
		

			For me, when I hear your stories of where you came from, and how you were brought up, while law he I
say it from my heart. I only increase myself in love and respect for you Subhana Allah for the
hardship you went through to raise me? May Allah azza wa jal, mothers and fathers while la he may
Allah azza wa jal reward you with his Jen for everything you did for me, as a child growing up in
this world, may Allah azza wa jal give you his gender.
		

			So you got this child now doesn't like the food that you like, doesn't want to exercise or do
anything. So how do you deal with that? The first thing brothers and sisters, when parenting with
logic and reasoning, is you have to accept certain habits of your children. Of course, as long as it
doesn't go to the Islamic circle or the Islamic training that we have to have. accept the fact that
your child doesn't like the same food anymore. Except the fact that if your child wants to say
Hello, dad, Hello, mom, his language to you is what's going on. You know how you doing? to him? That
is Hello, mom. Hello, that except certain habits that are just habits and nothing more than habits.
		

			Why is this so important?
		

			Because if you do this, now, your child will not only see a mother and father in front of them, but
they're going to see a friend. They're going to see somebody they can confide into. They're going to
see somebody that I can talk to when I have problems. Do you know that the majority of children in
North America actually this isn't statistically proven that the majority of children growing up in
		

			The West do not consider their mother and father, the first person they would go to for their
problems. Majority of children don't do that. That is like a shocking statistic that my child
doesn't think about me first when she he or she has a problem.
		

			If your child is not coming to you, to talk to you, about life at school, pressures at home
pressures with friends, the society at large, if they're not talking to you and saying, Mom, Dad, I
had a horrible day at work, but rather what they do is they come home. And whether they do, they go
up the stairs, and they lock themselves in the room for about an hour. And then the mom has to say,
Fatima, Ahmed come down, it's time for dinner, but you didn't even have lunch yet. And she'll say,
I'm coming, I'm coming in, but she's not coming down. And after one or two hours later, your child
sneaks down, when mom and dad have left the kitchen.
		

			And then she'll get her food.
		

			But her food is not what you cooked her food is this is her dinner, by the way. It's toast and
Nutella. Right? This is what she's gonna have. This is her, this is her dinner. For breakfast. It's
not the eggs or the toast or anything that mom and dad would eat for breakfast. It's just something
on the go a lollipop that she had from last night a candy. It's the timmies that she's gonna buy on
the way you see what's happening here. If your child if you start to see that gap happening with
your children and yourself, understand one reality parents, your child is talking to someone else,
your child is confining to somebody else, there is another figure in that child's life
		

			that omitted you and they were placed there. They're not thinking about you when they're hungry.
They're not thinking about you when they're starving, or they're going through some kind of struggle
in their life. If this happens, then the first thing that you have to do parents is you really I
don't know how else to put this, you really have to sit down and talk with your children. And you
don't have to make it formal. You don't have to say son at exactly four o'clock today, inshallah we
have an appointment at the dinner table, we're going to talk, don't do that don't make anything
formal. Kids don't like things to be formalized for them. They like things to happen spontaneously
		

			at the moment. They like to be surprised. They like to feel like they were thought about and
appreciated throughout the day. So when you guys are having dinner, when you guys have going out
when you're in a drive somewhere on the road, bring up the issues bring up something. So how was
school today? So how did you do while you look so sparkling today? What happened, you had a good
sleep and start to talk about the intimate issues in their life. Don't ask them. You know, remember
yesterday, I told you to clean up your room and you didn't clean it up. You came home, you dropped
your socks in the living room. No, you start doing all of these things, everything, it's almost as
		

			if they're like furniture, you just kind of move them around when you feel like moving them around.
This is the biggest problem that I find, as a counselor, as a youth counselor, as a marriage
counselor, any issue when it comes to family issues, this is what I spend most of my time dealing
with. This is the problem. It's that gap that parents have with just simply thinking and knowing how
to talk to their children. You know, I and I attended a conference in Calgary A long time ago. And
there was a speaker there that she was a sister. And she was talking on a similar topic like this
about family issues. Now, I don't necessarily agree with this, but I kind of sort of understood the
		

			logic behind it. What she said is that every time she comes home from work on her way home, she will
text her children, or she will Facebook them or something. And she will say to them, I'm coming
home, make sure the house is clean. And she'll text them. And she said that, you know, this is how
we communicate with our children. It's through the phone, it's through the Facebook and so on. So
what what she ended up saying after that was even when I'm home, you know, I Facebook them. When
you're in when you're home in the same house with your children, you're poking your children, right?
The guys who have Facebook, you know what I'm talking about literally going to go on abusing
		

			children, right. So you've got Facebook, you know what this whole poking thing is all about. So
she's doing this in the house as well. I mean, I don't think it should go to that extent, but I did
understand the logic behind it. And the logic was, she understood the language of her children. She
understood what tools she needed to have to communicate with her kids. And so parents, I'm going to
stand here proudly and say to you
		

			If you don't have a Facebook account, go and get one. Okay? This is the one thing I want you to take
from my lecture. My Shall I shamelessly, Toby, I gotta go get a Facebook account. This is what I
want you to get go and get one. Remember Facebook is not how long have you used it? And how long
then of course, it comes on on. But if you want to use it, I'll tell you one thing that's great
about Facebook, all the updates that your child is doing is recorded, and it's there. Every single
friend that your child accepts and communicates. Do you see it, if you want to know the affairs of
your child, and they're not, or they refuse to communicate with you try to find other avenues to do
		

			this. Now, let me tell you why this is important. Number one, mothers and fathers, this is your
fundamental right, you have a right to know this about your children, these are your kids, you
raised them, you gave birth to them, the mother, she almost died giving birth to that child, the
father, every single day of his life is working for those children. This is his right to know about
the affairs of his or her child, it is his right to know who the child is talking to, because you
just never know he or she might be talking to the wrong person and fall into problems or trouble. So
make sure you as well as your children understand you have the fundamental right to know this about
		

			your kids. So that's the first point. understand the culture that is around you. Understand that if
you grew up back home, where your routine was work, to feed, memorize poor and sleep, work poor and
sleep workarounds. If that was your routine every single day, don't expect the same routine for your
children here today. For your children, it may have to be wake up school or work a little bit of
basketball, a little bit of something, a little bit of core, and then then relaxation time for the
rest of the evening. You're gonna have to play with this cultures or traditions is not something
that you pick up from one society or one country, and you drop it into another. You can't do that
		

			with cultures. So the first thing, what is it, understand where you come from, and understand where
your children are living? Number two, when it comes to parenting, with logic, reasoning and love.
		

			You see the community leaders, especially here in Toronto, I consider myself one of them. I consider
myself a person who is there to serve the community. You see guys like us, brothers and sisters,
people like us, we are here at your service. And so the second thing that I want for all of us to
understand is the local chefs and the local communities, the local Masjid scholars Mmm, go and tell
them your problems. Go and tell them what's happening in your home. So that that leads or that
person can address those issues can bring awareness to those issues. That's why have you ever gone
to a hotel where the hot TV stands up and he says, today I got an email from so and so or today a
		

			person came into my office with these problems. What he is doing is he's addressing an issue so he's
bringing brought awareness to it. What does that do that speeds up the process for solution? That's
what we're here for. So yes, I am saying to you, if you can visit me, or you can visit checkup Dola.
Or if you can visit check on any one of us to highlight any one of the local shoe the local Imams,
visit us. We're here for you. So tell us what those problems are. So we can address those issues.
Number three,
		

			this is important and that is brothers and sisters. Don't give up. Don't give up on your family.
Don't give up on your family don't think that if you're struggling for years and years and years
behind your son, you're praying to head Jude you're fasting every Ramadan you're doing everything
but your child doesn't even know when Ramadan came by your child doesn't even know how to pray
doesn't even know a word in the Quran. Don't give up
		

			a lot. So a gel tells you an AI in the poor en la alemu Anima Amal Kumar logic What is it? Allah
azzawajal says understand and realize that your wealth and your lad your children, what are they?
They are a fitna, Allah azza wa jal says it's a fitna for you. It's a trial it's going to be hard.
It's not going to be easy.
		

			So some of you might have children who have reached 20 and 30 years old in their lives when they
still just can't do basic fundamentals in their religion, they still can't respect authority when
it's given to them. Don't stop. And I want to just mention a side point here. At the same time,
don't put yourself in this superficial bubble, where you say to yourself, if you see your child
coming, all weary and droopy eyes, they look and they have all the signs as though they've been on
drugs or something. But you say to yourself, no, inshallah, this is because of the title 100 last
night or something, right? Don't put yourself in that bubble, that you think that your child now has
		

			been doing something else. I know of a family where the son, he's never prayed. He's never read
*. He doesn't do anything when it comes to the religion. I'll keep it very simple, doesn't have
any relationship with the religion. But one day at his workplace. There were about four or five
Muslims that decided you know what, let's have Juma. Let's have Juma here rather than because the
time was so short for them to get somewhere else. So they decided to have Juma in the office. There
was no Hatim. So what do you think who was the hottie there? It was the same brother, the same son.
So they said, you know, and the reason why is he had an Arabic name. And this Arabic I don't want to
		

			say his name, because I'm afraid of maybe some of you might actually know who he is. Right? So his
name is actually found in the poor. And so it's one of those poor attic names. So they're like you
have the most pious name amongst us. So you give the hotma so he stands up, right and he starts to
give the hotel and he told me this himself. He goes, I didn't know what I was doing. I just stood up
I said salam o Alaikum. And I started telling people about Islam is good. Islam is great. Let's
pray. That's what exactly what he did. The mother now here's where the problem is. He went home that
night. He told his mom what happened? You know what the mother said? Masha? Allah your scholar, you
		

			know, Mashallah, you're gonna be just like, shake Muslim one day, you know, you're gonna be like,
this is what they started telling him.
		

			And I thought to myself, so panela parents, look, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But I know
that you mean Well, I know that you want good for your children. Allah azza wa jal gave me my first
baby girl one year ago. So when I look at her, she's already shaved in my eyes, right? She's already
the shape that I want her to be. But I know that no matter how much good I want for my child, I have
to accept a very scary reality about this child. And that is, I don't give up but no matter how much
I try, I never know if it's going to work or play out the way I wanted to. You know what the
scariest thing for me now that I've been a father, now that I have my first baby, the scariest thing
		

			is, you all see what I do? you all see that my life is all about derawan the scariest reality for me
as a father is if my daughter Allah, may Allah azza wa jal preserve and protect her from this. But
if she grows up wanting to live the complete opposite life of her dad, that's the scariest reality
for me. I can only hope and pray with the teachings that I give her with the knowledge that I'll
share with her with the people that I will try my best to surround her with. I can only hope and
pray that that will assist her with the tofik of Allah azza wa jal to raise her as a pious girl. But
I'll just never know. And so parents, you have to understand, if your child is not behaving, that
		

			means your child has a problem. If your child doesn't want to pray, it means that they have a
problem. Don't try to overlook and just say it's my child to love them, they'll change one day, if
your child just happens to be holding almost half he's gonna be half is one day, no, don't do that.
Don't put yourself in that bubble and think that things will just automatically transform
		

			the next point. Everybody say this after me, okay? Say this after me. Sala.
		

			Hello, my time.
		

			Those two things will change your entire life in your family. Number one, a family that prays
together is a family that will always stay together. As a matter of fact, I read that in a flyer one
day and I looked at this panel, and I thought to myself from that one statement that I saw on a
flyer, I built an entire lecture of Sala around that one statement because look, look
		

			Just Just pay attention to how we pray. Just look at how we stand up. We stand up beside each other
and we are told to touch each other shoulder to shoulder. And in some cases, feet beside the feet. I
mean, who wants to touch another guy's foot? Right? Nobody does. But in Sala we're told to get close
together. Imagine walking on the sidewalk and you bumped shoulders with somebody, it's gonna turn
into a huge fight or a problem, you know, oh my god, you touched me, right? But when in Sala, you
don't have that problem, Salah you're told to come together. Then look at the whole unit of Salah.
We're told to stand together, we're told to be together as a community, we're told to pray and do
		

			the exact same movements and move and pray behind one heart behind one individual towards one
creator. All of this, what does it tell you, it's indirectly telling you, that solid keeps our
hearts attached with each other. And the final point in sha Allah that I want to conclude with
brothers and sisters,
		

			is to have had a part time.
		

			Just imagine what that feels like. Imagine how that would look. Imagine you sitting at home and you
read a verse or after the weekend is over here in this conference, a lot of knowledge is going to be
thrown at you a lot of information is going to be thrown at you from all the shows that are here.
Imagine now you took one of your favorite lectures or your favorite statements or something. And you
went home and you sat with your kids for five minutes. And you said to them, so what did you learn
today? What do you think about when Dr. Rita Buddha said this in this chapter, Omar said this and
this, what did you think about that? How did that affect you? This is what it did for me. If you do
		

			that insha Allah, your entire home will start to transform with this one initiative of having
halaqaat time having a slam time with your children, sit with them and show them that even though we
can have fun, we can have a relationship. When it comes time. When it comes down to it. We have to
have a moment where we'll look at sort of uses and we'll start to look at some moments and sort of
use of we'll look at the advice of look man to his son. Let's just talk about one advice a day. You
need that discipline for yourself so that it can filtrate to your child. With that in sha Allah,
brothers and sisters. In sha Allah, you will raise children that you will have the ability as Allah
		

			orders us to do to protect ourselves and our families from the fire. With that insha Allah, you will
be able to communicate with your children and start to learn their language. With that in sha Allah,
a family will begin to pray together, your child will come to you one day and say let's go to the
conference. Let's forget about niagra Let's forget about Wonderland Let's forget about that. Let's
go to the conference this weekend. Your child insha Allah will start to do this with you. But you
have to be patient and don't ever, ever give up. May Allah subhanho wa Taala preserve and protect
our children in this world. May Allah azza wa jal protect you all mothers and fathers, you were the
		

			ones that raised us. You were the ones that nourished us. You were the ones that almost died to take
care of us. May Allah azzawajal preserve you or mothers and fathers in this world.