Musleh Khan – Life with Children #17 Three Steps towards Effective Discipline

			So Mr. alikum, what I'm going to love you a lot of care to bismil level commando Rahim. hamdulillah
Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah, Allah, He often has sought a woman, whatever. Today's a really
massive topic in our series life with children or family life. Today, we're going to talk about just
three tips that can help with effective discipline. Now, before we even get into those three tips,
let's just talk about and define this word discipline. Because this is where the trouble begins.
It's our understanding of the word discipline, many of you messaged me, and have asked me that
throughout the series to talk about how to discipline children. And some of you actually have a very
		

			strange, warped definition of what you thought discipline was. And some of them I don't even want to
mention, just because it's just in a totally different world. And so I thought to myself, maybe it
is important that we talk about just what from islamically? What is discipline in our Deen? Is there
even such a concept? And how is that concept exercise, especially when we're trying to teach and
train our kids to be good people and good Muslims. So go back. Now, let's try to define exactly what
discipline is. Discipline literally is the process of training somebody to follow rules and follow
laws. And that literally means that they are in a confined perimeter or an area. And within that
		

			area, there are certain rules and laws to follow. That's all discipline. So you're trying to enforce
those rules. So instead of having people doing whatever they want, you give them laws, you give them
regulations, so that way, you can keep some sense of order, right. And this is why one of the words
in Arabic to describe discipline is Nirvana. And Nirvana literally means a system that you follow.
So here's the thing. So that's at least in terms of definition of what discipline is trying to get
somebody or a people or a group or a community, regardless of what scale, you're trying to get
individuals to follow a particular system of laws and rules. Now, when you apply that to the home,
		

			this is where things get really strange. And the understanding has to change as well as has to be
refined and modified. And it's different as well. Until today, there is no clear cut protocol of how
to discipline your children in the home. Usually, this conversation is split into two major
categories of those who agree with certain types of discipline. And those who say there shouldn't be
any discipline at all, it should always just be positive reinforcement, forgive, forget, move on. So
it's a conversation that is constantly happening. Before we even talk about how to do this. Another
point to also understand is the work diversions and ideas This is the perception of how people
		

			cultures and places around the world discipline their children. There are categories of people who
discipline their children, and it is just 100%. Wrong. It's not discipline anymore. It's called
abuse. It could be emotional, could be psychological. It could be physical. But the point is, it's
an abusive situation. The kids then feel trapped, they feel imprisoned, they're being hurt, they're
being injured, they're emotionally scarred, they're carrying memories for life. That's not
discipline, discipline is a completely separate word. And unfortunately, culture has fused these two
terms together, discipline and abuse became something almost similar. And and the nuances in between
		

			all get mixed up in the same conversation. So a lot of people think that when you discipline your
child, you're abusing that child. And that's not the case. That's one thing that's clear, at least
by definition wise, again, go back to the definition, we're trying to train and teach people to
follow a certain set of rules and laws, right. But now bringing this conversation into the home. The
next point is that in the Arabic language, there are almost a dozen different words to describe
discipline, you have Milan, which we mentioned, we also have tehzeeb, we have to do it. But we have
to do, we have so many words in the LT belt, we have so many different nuances that capture a
		

			different element of how to discipline, we're not going to go through any of those. What I will say
is the most common of them is deep to add up like a dub, or what we say mannerisms or etiquettes. So
when we say Wi Fi, we're saying be disciplined, follow the rules. And in Arabic, if we say a did who
were saying, did I like discipline him, tell him to behave or tell him to stop doing that at Dibble
from 10 Db or a Deb so that's the most common phrase or type of word that
		

			We're using when we're trying to enforce some form of discipline, especially with our family, we
basically at the end of the day are trying to encourage one another, to have the best of etiquettes
and mannerisms. So here are three tips that I think could shut low tire that can help us. Number one
is to be sensitive. Now, I didn't make any of this up. All of this is actually found in the core and
inserted earlier in moron, I will I don't recall the particular verse one something right, I'll
write it down in the in the title of this video so you can reference to that. If any of you know it,
when you hear it. It's a very popular verse just write it in the comments field. So those who are
		

			watching can see that as well. So sort of earlier in Milan. The first is female origin it mean a la
healing tell him while Quinta fidanza de la palma Len Fahd lumen Holic, then Allah says, fat for him
was stowford lemon, or shall we do one field Mo, so three things. So here's where I extracted some
of those things from this particular verse in sunit, earlier and marohn, we need to understand some
context. The context of this verse is that this was the situation after the Battle of orchid. Now
you remember that in the Battle of orchid, you had about 17 to 19 companions that were all given
certain stations on a particular mountain, where they were told not to move. Unfortunately, one of
		

			them started to move when they thought that the battle was over, the rest followed turned into a
chaos, over 70 lives of the companions was lost. So when all was said and done, the profit it starts
with Sam was also severely injured. He almost died in this battle, he was severely injured in this
battle. So as they're all sitting, the battle is over all these companions, their bodies everywhere.
Everybody feels like they've lost everything, their whole morale, their focus, everything has been
gone. So they're all sitting there. And the companions that survived that they all feel like they
let the Prophet alayhi salatu salam down, they let their leader down. They were told to do a and
		

			they didn't follow the instructions and look at the result. So when the Prophet says Sam is sitting
there, that's when Allah sends it, this verse to them. And he tells the prophets, I send it now
imagine the companions were the ones that made the mistake, who is a lot talking to the parent, the
prophet, it starts with sin. That's our first lesson. When you're a parent, you are a leader. And
usually what leaders they say when they have a team behind him, I'll take one for the team. So the
general rule or principle as a parent is yet you take on the dirt you take on the blame, like I'll
give you an example. You know, one time I was in a grocery store, and a kid picked up a bottle of
		

			Pepsi. And the kid was shaking the bottle of Pepsi. And the parent was looking at something on the
shelves, right? And then as he looked down, and he saw his kid, the kid was shaking the bottle of
Pepsi, and he told his kid to put it back on the shelf. Poor kid is trying to put the thing back on
the shelf and he drops the bottle, the bottle falls to the ground, it burst open. And it literally
started spinning in circles and washing down everything and everybody who was in that pile with
Pepsi, including the poor kid, he got drenched in Pepsi, dad and mom got drenched in Pepsi, and all
the items on the shelf. This was a while ago. What I thankfully I was a little far away, but I still
		

			had gotten some of the Pepsi on me. But it wasn't that bad, right. But the Father, I when I looked
down on the island, the mother, the first thing they asked their child was, are you okay? Why did
you do that? It's okay, it's okay. And the kids started crying and they started hugging it and said,
it's okay. It was just an accident. Don't worry about it. And I thought surprised the lemon. When
you're a leader, when you're the parent, that eventually the guys came, they came into the aisle,
they look they're like what happened? The parents took everything. They're like, Look, he was
picking it up. He tried to put it back, but he dropped it, we will pay for it. We'll take care of
		

			everything. It's our fault. We shouldn't have let him picked up the bottle to begin with. That's
taking one for the team, you're taking one for the family. That doesn't mean that every time your
kids mess up with something, just blame me Don't blame my kids, their angels walk away? No. We're
trying to say here that when it comes to the first point to be sensitive, to be understanding, their
age, their understanding, their ability to comprehend, and as they get older, how they interpret
certain things. All of these factors have to be involved when you're trying to discipline and
enforce a rule. So that's my first thing is to be sensitive. Where am I getting this from the A,
		

			it's how the A A begin, and then a loss penalty that tells the profit it sounds to them. Well, I
couldn't afford them either. If you were somebody that had two things, number one, you were rough
fava. You were a rough person. You didn't know how to talk you had already
		

			ruff tone. You know there are some parents they're allergic to be nice to their kids. And I don't
mean that sarcastic I literally like they just don't have anything nice to say to their kids.
Doesn't matter how old they are. No daughter comes in is like, What are you watching? Just leave me
alone. I had a long day. Let me watch what I want. That basketball game is on? Yeah, well, I'm not
watching that. Go to your room, do your homework, find something draw, just to grouch. That's
father,
		

			just a grouch about everything. upset and unhappy about everything you know, and the stresses that
you might experience outside the home, you bring those stresses in the home and take it out on
everybody else. That's unfair and unacceptable. And it's an Islamic, and then the law. So we just
had a process, send them, follow them. And then number two, a lot, even your you have a heart, your
heart is stoned. It's like a hardened heart insensitive. So what's the first thing it's all about
the behavior. But then the next point on Allah reminds process seven, he says, if you were rough
with the companions, so let's look at context real quickly. If he had said to them, hey, listen,
		

			guys, what's wrong with you? I told you to stay in your places you move. You did that. Look what
happened. It's all you guys fault. I'm your leader. You didn't fall. He doesn't do any of that. A
lot puts him in his place. Prophecy sentiment says look you the leader, the one who didn't actually
do anything. So do you if you're rough. And if you have a stone cold heart, Len fog boom in how long
they will never respect or follow you.
		

			Parents, no matter how upsetting your children can make you no matter how difficult they can be. I
get it. I know it's hard. But no matter how have the worst child that can literally as we say, it
can be literally be the devil's child. The end of the day, keep yourself together.
		

			Kindness always wins.
		

			Being soft and gentle, but firm, you can discipline, you can enforce your rules, but do it in a way
that's sensitive. That's kind you they can see. They can hear the tone of your voice they can listen
to when you speak and say, oh, wow, although they're upset, at least they didn't scream. I didn't
call me names. This time. My mom didn't call me this. My father didn't treat me this way. At least
that didn't happen. They just told me to go to my room and think about what I did. I appreciate that
from them. Kindness always wins. That's the first thing. And that's what the process I sent him is
being told by Allah, if you do this, if you lose your cool, they're not going to respect you.
		

			Parents, when you lose your cool, it's very difficult, especially the kids, for them to come back
and respect you. Because now you'll have to demand that respect, you'll have to tell them, I'm your
mother, I'm your father. And you want that sort of being naturally developed in them that they see
the value of their parents in their life. And one way to do that is to be really sensitive when
you're disciplining them. Number two, so for example, so I hope it's clear now, the art of
discipline is something that all cultures and societies have. It's just the version of how to
discipline is what's different. But the concept itself, it exists in all religions, all cultures,
		

			all places all times. Okay. So here's the second point, and that is positive reinforcement. This is
how the A now does this. Look, listen to the a fat for and home alone now tells the Prophet dallisa
to Sam, that despite the companions made such a grave mistake, forgive them, pardon them for ankle.
		

			Really, is that what we're supposed to do as parents, when our kids do something terrible. They're
fighting, they lied to us, they hid stuff from us. And we're supposed to just forgive them? Not
necessarily. But forgiveness and pardon should always be in the heart when it comes to your family.
We've already talked about this in one of the previous episodes about learning to forgive and
forget, it's a part of the process. They're your family. They're not, they're not people, you can
just write off and be like, okay, you messed up, you lost my trust, it's over.
		

			forgiving and forgetting. And positive reinforcement is how the poor end and some that teach us that
when it comes to our families, that we never give up on each other. That whole idea of always being
there with your family, you should never give up on each other. Now how where's the positive
reinforcement? When a process starts to forgive or pardon them? They start to see that leadership in
him. They're like, man, so Pamela. After all we did. He still just says you know what, guys? It's
done. Just let it go. Don't worry about
		

			if your kid breaks something that's, you know, beyond repairs, and there's nothing you can do. You
know, it's one thing if they carelessly break things, then you can sit down there and have a talk.
		

			And discipline in your own way. Just be like, Okay, look, you know, we're gonna have to ground you,
we're gonna have to give you certain rules, we have to take away a particular some privilege, no
cell phones for you know, a week, whatever, right? So you can do those things but do it in a way
that there is mercy. And I fall in your heart, you know, where in the last 10 nights of Ramadan,
what is the most important door in the last 10 nights, particularly on later to Allahumma in
Nicaragua for one to hiwula raffle for me, it's all about asking a lot of pardon us. You know a lot
You are the source of pardoning and forgiving, and you'll love to pardon. So pardon us, let's do our
		

			constantly repeating in these last 10 nights of Ramadan. So far foreign home. Number two was stellar
fibula home and ask Allah to forgive them. So when your kids do mess up again, even if they're young
adults college university, no matter what they've done, ask Allah to forgive them on a less escalada
guide them. So now you take it a step further, you're not just be like, you know what, forget about
it. I don't, it doesn't bother me just move on. You also ask Allah subhanho wa Taala. This is the
whole idea of going back to praying for your kids. Remember, we're talking about discipline here,
despite the nuances that are attached to this discipline can actually be a good tool. In order to
		

			keep some sense of order in the home. It's a good tool. It's just that unfortunately, like many
other terms, it's been abused. It's been twisted, it's been really redefined. It's been warped
culture, bad practices and habits.
		

			All of that has taken its toll on this particular word. And now people when they hear the word
discipline, what's the first image that pops into their mind? Think about when you hear you need to
discipline your kids, what's the first thing that pops into your mind?
		

			Yell at your kids,
		

			beat them abuse them. None of these things forget about religion for a second, they are unacceptable
in any place in any time. you'd ever just beat your kids just because of you're angry with them. And
they need to be disciplined this way. No. You see, Islam is not explicit. But it doesn't just keep
an open door, it's kind of in the middle. We don't have explicit explicit Hadeeth telling us to do
any of this, we actually have explicit Heidi's telling us not to hurt people not to inflict pain on
anyone. And especially when it comes to your family process, I'm actually said the opposite, the
best of you are the ones who are best to their family. So it would go against all the principles and
		

			everything that Islam teaches us. If we end up hitting and abusing children, our own kids, for the
sake of discipline, it makes no sense. So that's number two, positive reinforcement, start to
encourage so that those scars that might potentially come out of whatever form of discipline you're
using, don't come back to bite you in the worst way. So big positive. Number three, keep your
emotions out, me and you the parents. So don't again, and we've touched on this briefly that you
don't have a discipline based on emotions, you're stressed out, you're frustrated, you're angry, and
you just let it all out, unleashed. Unacceptable. And this is what many experts around the world are
		

			against, including myself. I mean, I don't think we even need to mention that islamically as
believers, we don't do things like this with anybody, let alone our own family. So keep our emotions
out. And emotion. Just keep in mind that when it takes a toll in how you speak and how you approach
a situation. And in this case, how we discipline, it's almost never good, you know, the outcome will
almost never be the way that we expect it to be. It'll be either something totally different. So
you'll end up saying things like, Oh, my God, they totally misunderstood. That's not what I was
trying to say, Oh, my God, you You didn't even understand you weren't even listening. Actually, it
		

			could be your own fault that that happened. Because you were screaming or you were shouting names,
or you had like a hanger in your hand or something. And those are the things that cause people to be
more afraid than to listen and understand. And finally, brothers and sisters be aware of your
child's emotions, which we've talked a lot about. Be aware of them.
		

			They're just children. We are their teachers. We're raising them. So they depend on us to learn
everything. And if that's a little slow or difficult for you, be aware of that. Be aware of the next
time you yell or you give them those devil eyes, you know, you just kind of look at them without
saying a word. You know, somebody who told me that all parents have their own version of the look.
So if you have that, look, you better know how to use it and when not to use it. And you also have
to be very careful of how your child interprets that. Look.
		

			Because even when everyone's eyes are closed and they're gone to bed, guess what your child is still
seeing, they still see that look, that's, that's the look that wakes them up at night. That's the
look that they see in their dreams that look now is not just a look from their parent.
		

			It's like the look from the devil himself. So the sensitive of how your child interprets your
approach to discipline. And especially now when they're in high school or college and university, it
becomes much more complex. Because if you look or you try to discipline a college student or
university student, you'll have some explanation too. Don't be surprised that they could just jump
in their car and drive away and never show back in front of your door. Again, that could potentially
happen and it has all because in the name of discipline, the approach and putting yourself in their
shoes, trying to understand this is all founded in a a faff wine homeless stuff. 11. So pardon them,
		

			forgive them. Finally, what will him feel shareware? This is the province. So now being told by
Allah Oh, and by the way, ask them what to do. Now moving forward. These companions just disobeyed
the prophecy seven.
		

			Dozens of lives were lost as a result. Now Allah is saying to the process seven, those same
individuals that disobeyed you now asking them, how do we move forward? So panela it's just like,
it's like the parents asking their own kids. It's like asking them. So you know what you did? Right?
They're like, yeah, so what do you think we should do? Now? How do you think we should move forward?
How do you think we should fix this? And they're looking at you? And they're like, Oh, you mean,
you're not going to just ground me or send me to my room for three days? Like now, I want you to
know, like, okay, you were fighting with your sister. And you heard her pretty bad. So how do you
		

			think you should fix that? What should you do for her? And you'll, you'll be surprised the reaction
99% of the time, I need to say sorry, to her, I need to actually apologize. And I need to just talk
to her and let her know that I'm sorry. That's not me. So so panela. Like, it's incredible how the
profit are the subtle sermons being told now to go seek counsel and direction from a shorter from
this group of companions that actually disobeyed your initial command now keep going and get
direction. So it's like the leader when he has everybody inside this room. And he's like, Look, I'm
gonna take one for the team. But we got to get back on track. So guys, what do we do our business is
		

			falling apart. You guys are the employees. So you kind of have something to do with that. But we're
not going to talk about that. Let's talk about how do we get out of this situation. And that's what
you have to do. So I hope these four steps or Yeah, four steps in sha Allah, help us to understand
this whole concept of discipline in Islam. And to understand that, when we think about discipline,
what is the imagery that comes to mind? and nine out of 10 times that imagery is unacceptable, it's
an Islamic, and that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about a process that we can
enforce some rules and reinforce those rules so that you keep a sense of order cooperation in the
		

			home. And and remember that at the end of the day, we're all human beings. And for us parents,
sometimes we need our own discipline on ourselves. We need somebody to put us in our place. We need
somebody to tell us, Hey, what are you doing? Why are you screaming like that? All they did is spill
some coke. And you're getting that crazy about it. We need sometimes people to keep us under control
and to keep us calm. So just keep that in mind. And that's what a lot did with a prophet only subtle
Islam. It's like before you lose your cool. If you do, they will never respect you again. That's a
lesson for all of us. So just keep that in mind. I'm going to post the a a number. I forget what it
		

			was. It's all posted in Sharla. And once I released this video, but with that being said, let me
just take a look real briefly. I haven't done this in a little while but you guys are seeing lots of
comments coming in today. While you can see I'm working with a lot to all of those who have sent
their Salaam
		

			here Yeah.
		

			Okay, we have here
		

			from libido. Yousef welcome someone to law.
		

			Can you kindly mention about the things to do in the last 10 nights of Ramadan? Yes, we can do that
very briefly. It's just not something that's part of the series. But if you're talking generally I
mean, the question itself was General so I are responding gentleman in a generic sense. step up your
game. Step up whatever it is that you're doing throughout the Ramadan, step up now. This is the last
10 nights we are in unprecedented times in an unprecedented situation and being locked down. This is
the time to increase our doors that we ask Allah Subhana Allah forgive us.
		

			some sense of direction and a way out of this pandemic. Lots of conversations now happening on the
news and experts around the world, not just talking about a second wave now that restrictions are
being relieved. But even that Coronavirus, and perhaps other types of viruses that extend from that
could be on its way. So this is not over and it may not ever be over. So our life has certainly
changed, and it will continue to do so. So this isn't the last 10 nights I think this is going to be
one of those Ramadan's that we will never forget for the rest of our lives. So take advantage of
these last 10 nights by making more praying to Allah get your connection strong, keep it that way.
		

			Secondly, look for later to
		

			remember the last or the last 10 nights and the odd nights within the last 10 nights look for little
clutter increase your door is your prayers your supplication your advocate. This is a lot of alone
time is is what is required and encouraged in these last 10 nights. That's why Eric t cap was
prescribed in the last 10 nights because it's an opportunity now to spend a lot of time alone with
yourself in reflection and indiscipline and as well as in submission to our Creator also tried to
give some charity as well in these last 10 nights because they're so blessed if you have as yours a
cat and you haven't paid yours a cat yet for the year and this is the time like in Ramadan but you
		

			usually do that try to do that in these last 10 nights and tried to be very smart and selective
where you send your money I would encourage all of you to please consider donating years of cat and
charity in general to massage it just because all of them are close to their financial situation is
beyond imaginable. Some of them will be forced to shut down for good Believe it or not. So it's it's
it's a real real difficult situation financially for these organizations and not just our massage it
but even all other social community programs and so on, just to survive. So considering that that
could be now another option that you add on to recipients of Zakat and things like that. And other
		

			than that it's really all about yourself in these last 10 days. So I hope that helps in sha Allah
Butera Allah May Allah subhanaw taala bless reward I'll leave you guys sorry this video is a little
bit longer than usual. But nevertheless, I hope that it's uplifting, inspiring and it does the job
in short, a lot of time. second location guys take care with Salaam Alaikum warahmatullahi
wabarakatuh