Musleh Khan – Family Life #17

			So Mr. alikum, what I'm going to love you a lot of care to bismil level commando Rahim. hamdulillah
Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah. Allah, He offered his SATA woman, whatever. Today's a really
massive topic in our series life with children or family life. Today, we're going to talk about just
three tips that can help with effective discipline. Now, before we even get into those three tips,
let's just talk about and define this word discipline. Because this is where the trouble begins.
It's our understanding of the word discipline, many of you messaged me, and have asked me that
throughout the series to talk about how to discipline children. And some of you actually have a very
		

			strange, warped definition of what you thought discipline was. And some of them I don't even want to
mention, just because it's just in a totally different world. And so I thought to myself, maybe it
is important that we talk about just what from islamically? What is discipline in our Deen? Is there
even such a concept? And how is that concept exercise, especially when we're trying to teach and
train our kids to be good people and good Muslims. So go back. Now, let's try to define exactly what
discipline is. Discipline literally is the process of training somebody to follow rules and follow
laws. And that literally means that they are in a confined perimeter or an area. And within that
		

			area, there are certain rules and laws to follow. That's all discipline. So you're trying to enforce
those rules. So instead of having people doing whatever they want, you give them laws, you give them
regulations, so that way, you can keep some sense of order, right. And this is why one of the words
in Arabic to describe discipline is Nirvana. And Nirvana literally means a system that you follow.
So here's the thing. So that's at least in terms of definition of what discipline is trying to get
somebody or a people or a group or a community, regardless of what scale, you're trying to get
individuals to follow a particular system of laws and rules. Now, when you apply that to the home,
		

			this is where things get really strange. And the understanding has to change as well as has to be
refined and modified. And it's different as well. Until today, there is no clear cut protocol of how
to discipline your children in the home. Usually, this conversation is split into two major
categories of those who agree with certain types of discipline. And those who say there shouldn't be
any discipline at all, it should always just be positive reinforcement, forgive, forget, move on. So
it's a conversation that is constantly happening. Before we even talk about how to do this. Another
point to also understand is the work diversions and ideas This is the perception of how people
		

			cultures and places around the world discipline their children. There are categories of people who
discipline their children, and it is just 100%. Wrong. It's not discipline anymore. It's called
abuse. It could be emotional, could be psychological. It could be physical. But the point is, it's
an abusive situation. The kids then feel trapped, they feel imprisoned, they're being hurt, they're
being injured, they're emotionally scarred, they're carrying memories for life. That's not
discipline, discipline is a completely separate word. And unfortunately, culture has fused these two
terms together, discipline and abuse became something almost similar. And and the nuances in between
		

			all get mixed up in the same conversation. So a lot of people think that when you discipline your
child, you're abusing that child. And that's not the case. That's one thing that's clear, at least
by definition wise, again, go back to the definition, we're trying to train and teach people to
follow a certain set of rules and laws, right. But now bringing this conversation into the home. The
next point is that in the Arabic language, there are almost a dozen different words to describe
discipline, you have Milan, which we mentioned, we also have tehzeeb, we have 10 deity, but we have
a dope, we have so many words in the LT belt, we have so many different nuances that capture a
		

			different element of how to discipline, we're not going to go through any of those. What I will say
is the most common of them is deep to add up like a dub, or what we say mannerisms or etiquettes. So
when we say Wi Fi, we're saying be disciplined, follow the rules. And in Arabic, if we say a did who
were saying, did I like discipline him, tell him to behave or tell him to stop doing that at Dibble
from 10 Db or a Deb so that's the most common phrase or type of word that
		

			We're using when we're trying to enforce some form of discipline, especially with our family, we
basically at the end of the day are trying to encourage one another, to have the best of etiquettes
and mannerisms. So here are three tips that I think could shut low tire that can help us. Number one
is to be sensitive. Now, I didn't make any of this up. All of this is actually found in the core end
inserted earlier in Milan. I will I don't recall the particular verse one something right. I'll
write it down in the in the title of this video so you can reference to that. If any of you know it,
when you hear it. It's a very popular verse just write it in the comments field. So those who are
		

			watching can see that as well. So sort of earlier in Milan. The first is febi mal ohshima t mean a
la healing tele home, while Quinta fidanza de la palma Len faad lumen Holic, then Allah says
fastline home was stowford 11? Or shall we do one field mo so three things. So here's where I
extracted some of those things from this particular verse in sort of earlier Emraan, we need to
understand some context. The context of this verse is that this was the situation after the Battle
of Orford, now you remember that in the Battle of or hood, you had about 17 to 19 companions that
were all given certain stations on a particular mountain, where they were told not to move.
		

			Unfortunately, one of them started to move when they thought that the battle was over, the rest
followed turned into a chaos, over 70 lives of the companions was lost. So when all was said and
done, the profit it starts with Sam was also severely injured. He almost died in this battle, he was
severely injured in this battle. So as they're all sitting, the battle is over all these companions,
their bodies everywhere. Everybody feels like they've lost everything, their whole morale, their
focus, everything has been gone. So they're all sitting there. And the companions that survived that
they all feel like they let the Prophet alayhi salatu, Salam down, they let their leader down. They
		

			were told to do a and they didn't follow the instructions and look at the result. So when the
Prophet says Sam is sitting there, that's when Allah sends it, this verse to them. And he tells the
prophets, I send it now imagine the companions were the ones that made the mistake, who is a lot
talking to the parent, the prophet, it starts with sin. That's our first lesson. When you're a
parent, you are a leader. And usually what leaders they say when they have a team behind him, I'll
take one for the team. So the general rule or principle as a parent is yet you take on the dirt you
take on the blame, like I'll give you an example. You know, one time I was in a grocery store, and a
		

			kid picked up a bottle of Pepsi. And the kid was shaking the bottle of Pepsi. And the parent was
looking at something on the shelves, right? And then as he looked down, and he saw his kid, the kid
was shaking the bottle of Pepsi, and he told his kid to put it back on the shelf. Poor kid is trying
to put the thing back on the shelf and he drops the bottle, the bottle falls to the ground, it burst
open. And it literally started spinning in circles and washing down everything. And everybody who
was in that pile with Pepsi, including the poor kid, he got drenched in Pepsi, dad and mom got
drenched in Pepsi, and all the items on the shelf. This was a while ago. What I thankfully I was a
		

			little far away, but I still had gotten some of the Pepsi on me. But it wasn't that bad, right. But
the Father, I when I looked down on the island, the mother, the first thing they asked their child
was, are you okay? Why did you do that? It's okay, it's okay. And the kids started crying and they
started hugging it and said, it's okay. It was just an accident. Don't worry about it. And I
thought, soprano luhmann when you're a leader, when you're the parent, that eventually the guides
them, they came into the aisle, they look, they're like what happened? The parents took everything.
They're like, Look, he was picking it up, he tried to put it back, but he dropped it, we will pay
		

			for it. We'll take care of everything. It's our fault. We shouldn't have let him picked up the
bottle to begin with. That's taking one for the team, you're taking one for the family. Now, that
doesn't mean that every time your kids mess up with something, just blame me Don't blame my kids,
their angels walk away? No. We're trying to say here that when it comes to the first point to be
sensitive, to be understanding, their age, their understanding, their ability to comprehend, and as
they get older, how they interpret certain things. All of these factors have to be involved when
you're trying to discipline and enforce a rule. So that's my first thing is to be sensitive. Where
		

			am I getting this from the A, it's healthy a begin. And then Allah subhanaw taala tells the profit
it sounds to them. Well, I couldn't afford them, either. If you were somebody that had two things,
number one, you were rough fava. You were a rough person. You didn't know how to talk you had
already
		

			ruff tone. You know there are some parents they're allergic to be nice to their kids. And I don't
mean that sarcastic I literally like they just don't have anything nice to say to their kids.
Doesn't matter how old they are. No daughter comes in is like, What are you watching? Just leave me
alone. I had a long day. Let me watch what I want. That basketball game is on? Yeah, well, I'm not
watching that. Go to your room, do your homework, find something draw, just to grouch. That's
father,
		

			just a grouch about everything. upset and unhappy about everything you know, and the stresses that
you might experience outside the home, you bring those stresses in the home and take it out on
everybody else. That's unfair and unacceptable. And it's an Islamic, and then the law. So we just
had a process, send them, follow them. And then number two, a lot, even your you have a heart, your
heart is stoned. It's like a hardened heart insensitive. So what's the first thing it's all about
the behavior. But then the next point on Allah reminds process seven, he says, if you were rough
with the companions, so let's look at context real quickly. If he had said to them, hey, listen,
		

			guys, what's wrong with you? I told you to stay in your places you moved. You did that. Look what
happened? It's all you guys fault. I'm your leader. You didn't fall. He doesn't do any of that.
Allah puts him in his place. Prophecy sentiment says look, you the leader, the one who didn't
actually do anything, so do you if you're rough. And if you have a stone cold heart, Len fog boom in
how long they will never respect or follow you.
		

			Parents, no matter how upsetting your children can make you no matter how difficult they can be. I
get it. I know it's hard. But no matter how have the worst child that can literally as we say, it
can be literally be the devil's child. The end of the day, keep yourself together.
		

			Kindness always wins.
		

			Being soft and gentle, but firm, you can discipline, you can enforce your rules, but do it in a way
that's sensitive. That's kind you they can see. They can hear the tone of your voice they can listen
to when you speak and say, oh, wow, although they're upset, at least they didn't scream. I didn't
call me names. This time. My mom didn't call me this. My father didn't treat me this way. At least
that didn't happen. They just told me to go to my room and think about what I did. I appreciate that
from them. Kindness always wins. That's the first thing. And that's what the process I sent him is
being told by Allah, if you do this, if you lose your cool, they're not going to respect you.
		

			Parents, when you lose your cool, it's very difficult, especially the kids, for them to come back
and respect you. Because now you'll have to demand that respect, you'll have to tell them, I'm your
mother, I'm your father. And you want that sort of being naturally developed in them that they see
the value of their parents in their life. And one way to do that is to be really sensitive when
you're disciplining them. Number two, so for example, so I hope it's clear now, the art of
discipline is something that all cultures and societies have. It's just the version of how to
discipline is what's different. But the concept itself, it exists in all religions, all cultures,
		

			all places all times. Okay. So here's the second point, and that is positive reinforcement. This is
how the A now does this. Look, listen to the A, that for and home alone now tells the Prophet
dallisa to Sam, that despite the companions made such a grave mistake, forgive them, pardon them for
I hope,
		

			really, is that we're supposed to do as parents, when our kids do something terrible. They're
fighting the light to us, they hid stuff from us. And we're supposed to just forgive them. Not
necessarily. But forgiveness and pardon should always be in the heart when it comes to your family.
We've already talked about this in one of the previous episodes about learning to forgive and
forget, it's a part of the process. They're your family. They're not, they're not people, you can
just write off and be like, okay, you messed up, you lost my trust, it's over.
		

			forgiving and forgetting. And positive reinforcement is how the poor end and some that teach us that
when it comes to our families, that we never give up on each other. That whole idea of always being
there with your family, you should never give up on each other. Now how where's the positive
reinforcement? When a process starts to forgive or pardon them? They start to see that leadership in
him. They're like, man, so pengelola after all we did. He still just says you know what, guys? It's
done. Just let it go. Don't worry about it.
		

			If your kid breaks something that's, you know, beyond repairs, and there's nothing you can do. You
know, it's one thing if they carelessly break things, then you can sit down there and have a toilet
		

			And discipline in your own way. Just be like, Okay, look, you know, we're gonna have to ground you,
we're gonna have to give you certain rules, we have to take away a particular some privilege, no
cell phones for you know, a week, whatever, right? So you can do those things but do it in a way
that there is mercy. And I fall in your heart, you know, where in the last 10 nights of Ramadan,
what is the most important door in the last 10 nights, particularly on later to Allahumma in
Nicaragua for one to hiwula raffle for me, it's all about asking Allah to pardon us. You know,
Allah, you are the source of pardoning and forgiving, and you'll love to pardon. So pardon us, let's
		

			do our constantly repeating in these last 10 nights of Ramadan, so far flying home. Number two was
stellar fibula home and ask Allah to forgive them. So when your kids do mess up again, even if
they're young adults college university, no matter what they've done escalada forgive them on a less
escalada guide them. So now you take it a step further, you're not just be like, you know what,
forget about it. I don't, it doesn't bother me just move on. Do you also ask Allah subhanho wa
Taala. This is the whole idea of going back to praying for your kids. Remember, we're talking about
discipline here, despite the nuances that are attached to this discipline can actually be a good
		

			tool. In order to keep some sense of order in the home. It's a good tool. It's just that
unfortunately, like many other terms, it's been abused. It's been twisted, it's been really
redefined. It's been warped culture, bad practices and habits.
		

			All of that has taken its toll on this particular word. And now people when they hear the word
discipline, what's the first image that pops into their mind? Think about when you hear you need to
discipline your kids, what's the first thing that pops into your mind?
		

			Yell at your kids,
		

			beat them abuse them. None of these things, forget about religion for a second, they are
unacceptable in any place in any time. you'd ever just beat your kids just because of you're angry
with them. And they need to be disciplined this way. No. You see, Islam is not explicit. But it
doesn't just keep an open door, it's kind of in the middle. We don't have explicit explicit Hadeeth
telling us to do any of this, we actually have explicit Heidi's telling us not to hurt people not to
inflict pain on anyone. And especially when it comes to your family process, I'm actually said the
opposite, the best of you are the ones who are best to their family. So it would go against all the
		

			principles and everything that Islam teaches us. If we end up hitting and abusing children, our own
kids, for the sake of discipline, it makes no sense. So that's number two, positive reinforcement,
start to encourage so that those scars that might potentially come out of whatever form of
discipline you're using, don't come back to bite you in the worst way. So big positive. Number
three, keep your emotions out, me and you the parents. So don't again, and we've touched on this
briefly that you don't have a discipline based on emotions, you're stressed out, you're frustrated,
you're angry, and you just let it all out, unleashed. Unacceptable. And this is what many experts
		

			around the world are against, including myself. I mean, I don't think we even need to mention that
islamically as believers, we don't do things like this with anybody, let alone our own family. So
keep our emotions out. And emotion. Just keep in mind that when it takes a toll in how you speak and
how you approach a situation. And in this case, how we discipline, it's almost never good, you know,
the outcome will almost never be the way that we expect it to be. It'll be either something totally
different. So you'll end up saying things like, Oh, my God, they totally misunderstood. That's not
what I was trying to say, Oh, my God, you You didn't even understand you weren't even listening.
		

			Actually, it could be your own fault that that happened. Because you were screaming or you were
shouting names, or you had like a hanger in your hand or something. And those are the things that
cause people to be more afraid than to listen and understand. And finally, brothers and sisters, be
aware of your child's emotions, which we've talked a lot about. Be aware of them.
		

			They're just children. We are their teachers. We're raising them. So they depend on us to learn
everything. And if that's a little slow or difficult for you, be aware of that. Be aware of the next
time you yell or you give them those devil eyes, you know, you just kind of look at them without
saying a word. You know, somebody who told me that all parents have their own version of the look.
So if you have that, look, you better know how to use it and when not to use it. And you also have
to be very careful of how your child interprets that. Look.
		

			Because even when everyone's eyes are closed and they're gone to bed, guess what your child is still
seeing, they still see that look, that's, that's the look that wakes them up at night. That's the
look that they see in their dreams that look now is not just a look from their parent.
		

			It's like the look from the devil himself. So the sensitive of how your child interprets your
approach to discipline. And especially now when they're in high school, or college and university,
it becomes much more complex. Because if you look or you try to discipline a college student or
university student, you'll have some explanation too. Don't be surprised that they could just jump
in their car and drive away and never show back in front of your door. Again, that could potentially
happen and it has all because in the name of discipline, the approach and putting yourself in their
shoes, trying to understand this is all founded in a a faff wine homeless stuff. 11. So pardon them,
		

			forgive them. Finally, what will him feel? Shall we? This is the prophecy. So now being told by
Allah Oh, and by the way, ask them what to do. Now moving forward. These companions just disobeyed
the prophecy seven,
		

			dozens of lives were lost as a result. Now Allah is saying to the process seven, those same
individuals that disobeyed you now asking them, how do we move forward? So panela? It's just like,
it's like the parents asking their own kids. It's like asking them. So you know what you did? Right?
They're like, yeah, so what do you think we should do? Now? How do you think we should move forward?
How do you think we should fix this? And they're looking at you? And they're like, Oh, you mean,
you're not going to just ground me or send me to my room for three days? Like, now, I want you to
know, like, okay, you were fighting with your sister. And you heard her pretty bad. So how do you
		

			think you should fix that? What should you do for her? And you'll, you'll be surprised the reaction
99% of the time, I need to say sorry, to her, I need to actually apologize. And I need to just talk
to her and let her know that I'm sorry. That's not me. So so panela. Like, it's incredible how the
profit are the subtle sermons being told now to go seek counsel and direction from a shorter from
this group of companions that actually disobeyed your initial command now keep going and get
direction. So it's like the leader when he has everybody inside this room. And he's like, Look, I'm
gonna take one for the team. But we got to get back on track. So guys, what do we do our business is
		

			falling apart. You guys are the employees. So you kind of have something to do with that. But we're
not going to talk about that. Let's talk about how do we get out of this situation. And that's what
you have to do. So I hope these four steps or Yeah, four steps in sha Allah, help us to understand
this whole concept of discipline in Islam. And to understand that, when we think about discipline,
what is the imagery that comes to mind? and nine out of 10 times that imagery is unacceptable, it's
an Islamic, and that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about a process that we can
enforce some rules and reinforce those rules so that you keep a sense of order cooperation in the
		

			home. And and remember that at the end of the day, we're all human beings. And for us parents,
sometimes we need our own discipline on ourselves. We need somebody to put us in our place. We need
somebody to tell us, Hey, what are you doing? Why are you screaming like that? All they did is spill
some coke. And you're getting that crazy about it. We need sometimes people to keep us under control
and to keep us calm. So just keep that in mind. And that's what a lot did with a prophet only subtle
Islam. It's like before you lose your cool. If you do, they will never respect you again. That's a
lesson for all of us. So just keep that in mind. I'm going to post the a a number. I forget what it
		

			was. It's all posted in Sharla. And once I released this video, but with that being said, let me
just take a look real briefly. I haven't done this in a little while but you guys are seeing lots of
comments coming in today. While you can see I'm working with a lot of all of those who have sent
their Salaam
		

			here Yeah.
		

			Okay, we have here
		

			from libido. Yousef welcome someone to law.
		

			Can you kindly mention about the things to do in the last 10 nights of Ramadan? Yes, we can do that
very briefly. It's just not something that's part of the series. But if you're talking generally I
mean, the question itself was General so we are responding gentleman in a generic sense. step up
your game. Step up whatever it is that you're doing throughout the Ramadan, step up now. This is the
last 10 nights we are in unprecedented times in an unprecedented situation and being locked down.
This is the time to increase our doors that we ask Allah Subhana Allah forgive us.
		

			some sense of direction and a way out of this pandemic. Lots of conversations now happening on the
news and experts around the world, not just talking about a second wave now that restrictions are
being relieved. But even that Coronavirus, and perhaps other types of viruses that extend from that
could be on its way. So this is not over and it may not ever be over. So our life has certainly
changed, and it will continue to do so. So this isn't the last 10 nights I think this is going to be
one of those Ramadan's that we will never forget for the rest of our lives. So take advantage of
these last 10 nights by making more praying to Allah get your connection strong, keep it that way.
		

			Secondly, look for later to Potter. Remember the last or the last 10 nights and the odd nights
within the last 10 nights look for little clutter increase your door is your prayers your
supplication your advocate. This is a lot of alone time is is what is required and encouraged in
these last 10 nights. That's why Eric t cap was prescribed in the last 10 nights because it's an
opportunity now to spend a lot of time alone with yourself in reflection and indiscipline and as
well as in submission to our Creator also tried to give some charity as well in these last 10 nights
because they're so blessed if you have as yours a cat and you haven't paid yours a cat yet for the
		

			year and this is the time like in Ramadan but you usually do that try to do that in these last 10
nights and tried to be very smart and selective where you send your money I would encourage all of
you to please consider donating years of cat and charity in general to massage it just because all
of them are close to their financial situation is beyond imaginable. Some of them will be forced to
shut down for good Believe it or not. So it's it's it's a real real difficult situation financially
for these organizations and not just our massage it but even all other social community programs and
so on, just to survive. So considering that that could be now another option that you add on to
		

			recipients of Zakat and things like that. And other than that it's really all about yourself in
these last 10 days. So I hope that helps in sha Allah Butera Allah May Allah subhanaw taala bless
reward I'll leave you guys sorry this video is a little bit longer than usual. But nevertheless, I
hope that it's uplifting, inspiring and it does the job in short, a lot of time. second location
guys take care with Salaam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh