Muiz Bukhary – Why Does My Child Have Temper Tantrums?

			Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh this is Mario Hari with a brand new video.
		

			And today's video is going to be about temper tantrums. You see temper tantrums. And mood swings can
be one of parent things, most frustrating challenges. But I think instead of looking at them as
disasters, let's actually try to treat tantrums as opportunities for education.
		

			Firstly, to help a child throwing a temper tantrum, or a child in meltdown, the father or mother
needs to understand what the child is experiencing what the child is going through, we need to
realize that presently this very young person, this little human being is completely overwhelmed by
the storm of emotions, he or she cannot be reached. And for them, the outside world is just shut out
and they are experiencing their own internal *. The child having a meltdown, you know as no
understanding of themselves, or what they're feeling precisely. They feel fragmented, they feel out
of control. And we also have to bear in mind that you see an eight year old nine year old a 10 year
		

			olds temper tantrum is not necessarily the same as a toddler tantrum.
		

			And to realize this, if you closely watch the child's facial expressions, you'll see a toddler in a
tantrum is distressed, the toddler needs emotional support, to regain their the balance of their
equilibrium. The toddler just can't help the tantrum, you know, life becomes so challenging and
these big emotions overwhelm them. And also because the child the toddler, his brain is still under
construction, so these meltdowns do happen. But on the other hand, when you take an eight year old,
a nine year old, 10 year olds tantrum, it's different. If you look closely, you'll see anger
registering on their face, you'll see an angry face and also because now the child has learned to
		

			use this tactic to rule those around him or her. They become like this mini dictator and the child
uses the tantrum to get what he or she is demanding. So they learn to use these tantrums these
outbursts to control others. And sadly, it's as parents who teach children who enable this behavior,
we teach our children to continue throwing tantrums, long after the stage where they would naturally
outgrow them. So in this video, I hope to be touching on a few tips to help respond to tantrums. Tip
number one. Keep your cool. When responding to a tantrum. It's very important that we don't
complicate the problem with our own frustration, you know, with our own stress with our own anger,
		

			we need to remind ourselves that our job is to help
		

			our children learn to calm down. So for that we need to become to need to we need to acknowledge
		

			our children's emotions, we need to keep calm, we need to try and put ourselves in their shoes, and
we need to try and see life through their eyes. And
		

			we need to do all of this
		

			without being drawn into trying to explain or justify, we need to name the emotions we need to we
need to tell them that you know what you're upset, you're angry. And also, tantrums need to be
handled differently. Depending on why the child is upset. Sometimes you may need to provide comfort.
If your child, you know is cranky, because he or she didn't have the usual nap. If a child is tired
or hungry, then obviously it's time for a nap, it's time for snack. Other times it's best to ignore
an outburst or distract your child with a new activity. Tip number two, acknowledge what your child
wants, but resist the temptation to end the tantrum by giving him
		

			now this is important. And you need to also avoid reasoning with kids when they are upset because
they're just not on the same frequency, if you will, at that moment of time because they've lost it.
They're angry. So they tend to go offline. And as long as your child isn't
		

			danger. Sometimes the best response is to calmly state your decision. And then ignore or wait for
your child to calm down again, I repeat, as long as your child is not in danger,
		

			then
		

			the best response is to calmly state your decision and wait for your child to come down.
		

			Remember, don't reward your child's tantrum by giving him this will only prove to your little one.
She mean he or she means the world to you, yes, but this will prove to them that the tantrum was
effective. And lastly, with regards to this tip, and I would say that this bit is applicable before
the tantrum bake breaks loose. Consider the request carefully when your child wants something, ask
yourself is is it too outrageous? Is it is it something that you know, we can perhaps accommodate.
		

			And most of the time,
		

			it could be things that are, you know, not worth a tantrum. So, the advice at this point is choose
your battles wisely. Tip number three, say what you mean and mean what you say. If you've told your
child that he or she can't have the toy, for example, till you are home, then calmly and firmly
stick to what you just said. Your child is intelligent, your child will test you to see if you
really mean what you say. And if you cave in, even once, or state consequences that your child knows
you won't follow through. You are setting yourself up for more of the same nagging, tears, tantrums,
shouting,
		

			or other annoying behavior.
		

			Tip number four, keep conversation until later. If your child if your child at this point now shouts
something like you know it's not fair.
		

			or most of the time, they'd say you don't love me. It's tempting. It's very tempting to try to
explain yourself at that juncture, to explain to the little one that what she's saying is in true,
you want to reason you want to explain. But like I said earlier, you have to understand that at this
juncture, the child's reasoning brain is offline, because he or she is angry and now is not the time
to try to reason. Keep assuring them that you can talk about it once everyone has calmed down. From
an Islamic perspective. Many brothers and sisters, we learn from the teachings of the Prophet
salallahu alayhi wasallam that anger is from Chapin and we learn from him for a long while he very
		

			seldom that we are supposed to seek refuge with Allah the protection of Allah so it's important that
we teach ourselves this and teach our children this as well. That anger is from Chapin. And when
they are aware of that they know that this is something this is coming from Chapin. So you You must
practice it and you must teach them as well. To seek refuge with Allah say I want to be let him in a
shaytani r rajim. Where where you are seeking refuge in Allah from the cursed share pond. We learn
from the teachings of the prophets that along while he was lm in terms of calming down. If you're
standing you should sit down if you're sitting you should lie down,
		

			perhaps drink some water to calm yourself. And also the words of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam in terms of anger, that it's important that we control our anger our children, you know, as
they as they grow up, we need to teach them the teachings of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam
for example, the hadith of demand going to the Prophet sallallaahu Selim and and asking him to
advise him and whether the prophets lie Selim say, Bob, do not become angry, and the man keeps on
asking the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam for advice and the prophets response was law lub dub
ferrata de Moura and he went on to say, do not become angry, do not get angry, do not get angry. So
		

			it's important to teach ourselves this and to act upon the teachings of the prophets that along
while evaluate them and also to teach our children. This when it comes to anger management. I'd like
to conclude the video with a short story that was reading the other day. And, you know, this story
is a nice story. It's something that we can even tell our children.
		

			So the story basically goes as follows. There was a boy, perhaps a 12 year old a 13 year old
teenager who was always losing his temper, was always losing his temper is flying off the handle. So
his father observing this this temperament of his of his son, the father now gives him a bag full of
nails and he tells him my son, I want you to do something. I want you to hammer a nail into our
garden fence every time. You need to direct your anger against something or every time you lose your
temper every time you fly off the handle. Go
		

			hammer a nail into the fence. So the son started to follow his father's advice. On the first day, he
hammered in
		

			30, something 40 something nails. But eventually getting the nails into the fence
		

			was not easy. It was obviously a show. And he started trying to control himself whenever he got
angry. And as the days went by, he was hammering in less nails. And within weeks, he was actually
able to control himself, he was able to really manage his anger.
		

			And now he comes to a point where he was no longer hammering nails into the fence. He comes to his
father and he tells him what he had achieved, his father was happy.
		

			His father was happy with his efforts, his father acknowledged it and said to him, now my son, I
want you to take out a nail for every day that you do not get angry. So from this point onwards for
every day, entire day that you do not lose your temper that you don't that you do not get angry, I
want you to remove an L. So now the sun started take out the nails for each day that he did not get
angry. And this went on until there were no more nails left in the fence. Now he comes to his father
and he tells him what he had achieved. His father now takes him to the fence and says, My son, you
have done well. But I want you to closely look at these holes in the fence. And then he tells his
		

			son, he teaches his son a valuable lesson he tells him this fence will never be the same again. And
then he adds, when you say things in a state of anger
		

			when you hurt people.
		

			When you fly into this rage, there's anger that comes from sheer time. What happens is you leave
marks like these holes on the hearts of others. You can stab the person and withdraw the knife but
it doesn't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The wound will still
remain.
		

			It's a beautiful story. And many brothers and sisters I hope to conclude the video with this if you
found the content beneficial.
		

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that others can benefit as well. I look forward to talking to you all in another video soon
inshallah Allah Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh