Mufti Menk – Wife or Mother – Who Is First

			Assalamu Aleikum Mashallah, who comes first, my wife or my mother? That's a question that everybody
asks, many people think it's your mother because you know what? heaven lies at her service and so
much more. And she gave birth to you, and she looked after you and everything, and your wife only
came later on in your life and so on and so forth. However, that answer is not accurate. You need to
know who comes first? Well, I tell you, both of them come first. You might say what if there's a
dispute, let me explain. The love that you have for your mother is very different from the love that
you have for your wife. Any mothers out there who are listening to me today, your son will love his
		

			wife so much, but that love is not stealing from yours, not taking from you, he might not be able to
spend as much time with you be happy for him, be excited that he's getting along and moving on with
his own life. Subhan Allah. And remember, he will always love you Subhana Allah, The same applies to
the mothers of the daughters who have married. However, when there is a dispute who comes first,
Justice comes first, whether it's with your mother, or whether it's with your wife, whoever is
right, that is who we will stand by. But remember to navigate the waters with a lot of respect. When
you're correcting your mother. You must correct her You must stand up for justice. Listen to this
		

			verse. Yeah. Are you loving man? Oh, no. I mean and in issue had
		

			been peaceful. Allah says, Oh, you who believe stand firm for justice for the sake of Allah. Stand
firm, for the sake of Allah be just for justice, we should be standing firm. In another verse, Allah
subhanho wa Taala says, while Allah forsaken, I will lead anyone up or being, even if it is against
yourselves, your parents or your relatives, you stand and side with justice. This means if it's
against my mother, or my father, I will stand with justice and not with my mother or father, if it
is against myself, I will stand for justice and not with my mother or father, not even with myself.
May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us an understanding, many people fail because they allow their
		

			parents to trample over their spouses, claiming that that's my father, that's my mother. Those are
my parents, they gave birth to me. Please correct yourself even in the eyes of Allah. That's wrong.
		

			Look at Ibrahim alayhi salam, and so many of the messengers May peace be upon them, when they
corrected their parents, because they were wrong. They didn't say you're my parents, so I cannot
correct you, you correct them, but be kind and respectful. Notice when Allah speaks about parents in
the Quran. Instead of using the term obedience, he always uses the term kindness Be kind to your
parents. wakaba MOCA Allah de bajo in
		

			Benin, Wiley Dini,
		

			Allah has declared you shall worship none besides Him, and you will be kind to your parents. That
verse happens to repeat itself with different wordings or that the meaning of it
		

			Subhanallah pointing at the same thing to say be kind to your parents, but obedience is for Allah.
Remember this. So if your mother is wrong, and she's a human being, she will be wrong many times in
her life, you need to stand up for justice in a kind way, beautiful way explained to her. Sometimes
you might have to detach, you may have to leave the house. Because if you are living together, and
your mother or father is oppressing your spouse or your children, you will definitely have to make
the decision perhaps to protect them. If nothing is happening by you speaking to them, then you
might have to leave the place. And this is why Islam allows you or instructs you to offer a separate
		

			quarters to your wife. May Allah subhanahu wa taala grant us an understanding I said in one of my
previous episodes, not everyone can afford that. But my beloved mothers and fathers be kind go easy
on the spouses of your children, be they male or female, be very kind. And you know what, be
accommodating. Understand. And those of us who have mothers in law, remember respect to them. That's
the mother of your spouse, give them kindness, talk to them, communicate with them. Let's have a
better relationship. They're not bad and you're not bad. Shaytan is bad.
		

			So this topic that I had today of who comes first your mother or your wife, when the when there is a
problem and an issue, actually, Justice comes first. And for kindness, both of them come first. For
Love, both of them come first. It's a different type of love altogether. The way I love my spouse is
very different from the way I love my mother. In fact, the type of love that I have for my mother,
my parents are very different. So I'm not taking from one to give the other. This is what some
people think. And that's why there is a lot of push and shove, there is a lot of targeting, that
happens in relationships. Let not that be, be happy when your children are happy, and try to support
		

			those whom they love. May Allah make it easy? Let's live a life filled with respect and dignity,
standing up for justice, do not allow oppression to rain in the home. I've really heard many people
from cultural homes, claiming to be religious, not standing up for justice and thinking that this is
my parent, therefore I shouldn't Well, you've gone directly against the clear cut instruction of
Allah in more than one place in the Quran, where he tells you to stand firm for justice, no matter
whose side it is, it is with. So you're a good Muslim, you must learn to stand up for what is right.
That's when you have fulfilled your obligation unto Allah to begin with, and then upon those who are
		

			oppressed and wronged. And like I said, it doesn't matter who it is, doesn't mean that those are
your parents. They can never be wrong. They can be wrong and they must be corrected. And there are
human beings and that is not depicting unkindness, you are the most kind when you correct your
parents, even if they feel bad, even if they offer you statements of blackmail to say, I'm your
mother, I'm your father. You can't do that to me. You can't say this to me. We can I can. Everybody
can. Ibrahim alayhis salam did he fulfilled the duty? He says, Oh, my father, follow me. I will show
you the path. You are at the moment following the devil. So he kept talking to his father in a good
		

			way the father threatened him. The father kicked him out. He enjoyed it in the sense that he went
out because he was in love with Allah to the degree that Allah comes first. So let's learn these
examples. There are so many other examples, but sufficient is what I've just said. Now, may Allah
subhanho wa Taala grant us a true understanding at Kunal Kohli hada was Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah
wa barakato.