Mufti Menk – Dealing with Difficulty #06 Parents

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			Salaam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh. In this episode of dealing with difficulty, we want to
talk of a certain relationship dealing with difficult parents. Oh, that's a tough one. The reason
is, this is the month of Ramadan you and I know we would love to see a beautiful family unit. But
some parents, unfortunately are too hard, difficult, unreasonable. Sometimes they don't want their
children to practice what is pleasing to Allah. I've come across people telling me I'd like to wear
the hijab, my mother is an obstacle. I want to pray My father doesn't want it. Sometimes I a person
wants to marry and the parents have no reason to say no, if they have a solid reason I would support
		

			the parents. But if they don't have a reason at all, and you're making it difficult for your
children to get married, we've got a difficulty. How do we deal with these people? Firstly, if
you're a parent listening to me, did you hear what we just said? You need to make life beautiful for
your children. The world we're going we're living in right now is such that sin has become easy to
commit, and to do the right thing. It's people like you making it difficult for your children and
for others, is it? I hope not. Because this is a message to the parents. Firstly, if you're a
parent, people are complaining to say my parents are so difficult and whatever we will talk about
		

			the other relation dealing with difficult children, we're going to talk about that inshallah. In
these episodes, but today's episode is connected to dealing with difficult parents.
		

			Some parents swear and scream and shout and become vulgar. They fight amongst themselves in the
presence of their own children, please do not do that. You are not only throwing dust at the
blessing of Allah of these children, but you are actually doing yourself a disservice by disobeying
Allah, under the fact that you have children by living in a respectable way. Watch your tongue as a
parent, you are not allowed to swear. Some mothers keep on using a disclaimer to continue sinning
and to continue abusing their own children. What is the disclaim? They keep on saying, well, Heaven
lies under my feet, Heaven lies under my feet. You look at those feet, dirty, cracked feet that
		

			require pedicure, stuff that Allah
		

			What I mean is, sometimes these feet that they're talking about themselves have issues.
		

			It doesn't mean Allah says it clearly. And I know some people have raised this with me in the past
to say how could you say this about mothers? No, mothers have the highest status without a doubt
only if they are obedient to Allah. That's what it is. Only if they are telling you to do what is
within what Allah wants. The minute they're doing something displeasing to Allah. Trust me, they are
no longer on that exact level. No.
		

			Otherwise, every mother will say I'm in paradise anyway. What's the point? Let me do what I want.
That's if that's the attitude of Allah, He that's not right. So all of those who were telling me in
a past video, that you know, what, how could you say this about mothers, I'm repeating the same
thing again, to say it's correct. You can't just think I'm a mother so I can do as I want to you you
just a part of my, you're like a slave. No, it's a responsibility. It's a duty, you're a mother, you
owe Allah uprightness. First. To begin with, to, to be able to have that status, you need to be
connected with the one who gave you the status, that's Allah, we're not denying the high status, the
		

			highest status, I just said that. But you can't abuse your children, and swear them and insult them,
and keep on cursing them. And continue to say, I'm blessed. Heaven is under my feet, I can do what I
want. You're not blessed. You're swearing you, you need to worry about your own paradise to begin
with. So that's a statement we need to really think about it. But sometimes the children happen to
be a little bit unreasonable. Like I said, we're going to deal with that in another episode.
		

			The fathers sometimes you're never there. Sometimes mothers are never there. And then we want to
introduce ourselves in the lives of our children and start dictating the pace when we never existed
in their lives for so many years. When you participate in your child's life from day one in a
positive way. And one of the biggest ways of participating is the spouse you have who is a co parent
of those children we're talking about. If you respect that person, be patient with them a little
bit, try and honor them, try and uplift them. Make them feel like they are the mother or the father
of these children. Wallah. He is one of the biggest favors you can do for those children.
		

			Many children who come from broken homes they struggle later on in life. They struggled because
whatever happened in
		

			Their childhood plays out in different ways later on, when they saw you fighting and not fulfilling
their rights, not spending time with them, not talking to them not engaging in a beautiful way you
are very impatient, then it affects them, you will never there. So they went into bad habits and
they came out and they sometimes some children are engaged in Haram. They want to make it halal.
They come to you, but you yourself are engaged in Haram. So you don't see the importance of making
something halal. So you just tell them no, it's okay. You know, we won't talk about it. Now. I know
a case of someone who wanted to marry at the age of 21. And the mother and father says, no, no, no,
		

			you're too young. But they were wealthy people, they could have helped this child. The child ended
up depressed on drugs, and later on committed suicide. Why? How could you have had a child who
committed suicide when you were the parents in the same house have that child, you didn't even know
what the child was going through or you were not bothered. They couldn't even talk to you. How many
of us have children who cannot talk to us because as soon as they tell us the reality, we will snap,
and we will break, we will scream and yell at them. And some people become physical and abusive with
their own children. How many of us are like this? When we don't even know the reality of the world?
		

			We're engrossed in involved in our own things. I tell you what, there are people complaining about
their mothers and fathers having affairs openly and sometimes on the phone. Someone sent me an email
say that I saw my father used my phone and later on on my phone, I saw so many dirty things. What do
I do? I have so much respect for this man that just came crashing. The same applies to mothers, they
say my mother's developed a relationship with another guy, what do I do? So dealing with difficulty
with these parents? Allah He talked to them, My beloved children, speak to your parents, without
gloves. tell them look, you know what, this is where we are. This is what it is you It's your duty,
		

			to Allah to look after us to be kind to be to speak in the proper way. Across the globe, we're
suffering. How can we let that happen in our own houses, follow what Allah has taught you. Follow
the instructions of Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam. Serve your children in a proper way, nurture
them, help them, help them grow, talk to them, help them navigate through their mistakes, through
their challenges. The reason is online, sometimes they might be struggling. I know of a lot of
people blackmailing young girls online, and they feel stuck. The fact that they feel stuck means
there's something wrong with the family structure. They've got no one to talk to no one to explain
		

			to. Okay, your daughter made a mistake. Perhaps she might have done something wrong online that
people are blackmailing her. Now, you as a parent need to be strong enough and understanding enough
that this is my child, Allah gave me this child, what am I going to do to help my own child, that's
what your duty is, it's not that you just come up and start yelling and screaming and making matters
worse, to the degree that they don't even want to tell you what's happening. In fact, they end up
committing suicide stuff, which is haram anyway, but here we are, in this beautiful month of
fasting, let's look at our relationships, my beloved parents, we need to do better, I need to do
		

			better with my own children. And you need to do better with your own children. Build a relationship,
speak every day together, try and have a meal every so often, if you're far, far away for whatever
reason work or what it might be. Try and call them on a daily basis show a bit of an interest in
their lives, especially when they're young. And try and praise them where praise is due. They've
done well in school, they've done well in something in Madras, or they've achieved in Tel Aviv, or
whatever it might be, praise them. Because when you only reprimand your children when they've done
wrong and never praise them when they've done right, then you have harmed them. You have harmed
		

			them. Don't allow that to happen. Make sure that there is holistic growth, we praise them when good
comes in their direction, or when they've done good, and we will admonished them within limits in a
respectful, proper way where they've done something wrong and we will guide them.
		

			I always say and I want to end with this. We all need to say at least 10 sentences of kindness
towards those whom we are living with on a daily basis, you make that promise and your life will
change. So let's hope parents can also do the same and I hope that we can have better homes Aquila
Kohli, hada wa sallahu wa Salam o Baraka ala Nabina Muhammad