Mufti Menk – Issues in Marriage

			Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
		

			smilla rahmanir rahim al hamdu Lillah wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah Allah Allah, he was happy
as mine. We praise Allah subhanho wa Taala we send blessings and salutations upon Muhammad
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, we ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to bless his entire household, all his
companions, may Allah subhanho wa Taala, bless them and bless every single one of us. I mean,
		

			my brothers and sisters, when people get married, it's something very, very great. It's a very happy
occasion. And I'm sure 100% of people get married,
		

			in order to build their lives, and in order to cross a phase in their lives, I don't know of sane
people who actually marry in order to break in order to break their relationship later on. If people
knew that we're not going to get along at all, they would not marry.
		

			Here I'm speaking of normal human beings.
		

			When people are getting married, they think that inshallah we will get along. inshallah, perhaps we
will have children together, inshallah, we will overcome the challenges of life. Sometimes they
undertake, without realizing to each other, that don't worry, I live with your folks. Don't worry.
If it's a person who's been previously married, I will take care of the children as though they are
mine. These are big undertakings, that you may not know how they may turn out. But they are saying
it with a good heart. They say it with a brilliant heart. Don't worry. If you are living in a heart,
I'll come and live with you. Subhan Allah, yes, it sounds romantic. It's really good. It sounds
		

			sweet. But two years down the line, please don't change your mind. Allahu Akbar, may Allah grant us
ease. So these type of statements we need to be careful of, and I'm addressing those who are not
married as well as those who are. Because if you're not married, and you say you're ready to
compromise so much, are you really sure that 10 years down the line, you will still be ready to
compromise that?
		

			I recall people who asked me saying, you know, I want to get married to someone, and my folks are
not agreeing. Is it possible? Should I, for example, get married to them, in a way, or perhaps a
person is already married? And they are talking about a polygamous situation and someone asks
advice, should we marry them in secret, perhaps you know, people shouldn't know about it, just to
make things halaal. My beloved sister, let me tell you 10 years from that moment, you will regret
because people have to know you will you cannot keep on living this romantic little bubbly life as a
secret. When you are expecting to have children. You also want to honor and dignity at some point,
		

			it might last one or two years and then you get fed up and sick about it. So sick of it, then what
would happen is you would want out or you would start saying, look, I really need to change things I
might have agreed at the beginning, but I can't carry on like this. Well, that's why we are talking
to you today. That's why we are telling you when you marry, marry with honor, marry with dignity.
Don't marry undertaking things that you don't think about. They may not be possible to continue with
a few years down the line.
		

			You say I live with your folks. Don't worry. Yes, we living in an extended family, no problem and
hamdulillah I'm ready to sacrifice. We know what the prophets Allah wa sallam taught us to
sacrifice. I'm ready to sacrifice my beloved sister, my brother, the Prophet sallallahu Sallam
taught you to sacrifice indeed, but he has bestowed upon you by the will of Allah certain rights.
You have those rights, it's your rights. Then later on, you start saying, You know what, I want my
rights. I just want my rights. And the husband will tell you well, when we married, you had actually
forgotten those rights. You told me you don't want this now, how can you ask for it? Well, it's my
		

			right to ask for my rights. Now, I've changed my mind. And then the marriages break. So I want to
talk about for the next 15 to 20 minutes, something extremely important. Why do marriages break when
we married we were so happy we were delighted. We were excited. We made promises, we said we are
going to sacrifice, we were told that marriage is not easy. It's not a joke, but I tell you, it
breaks for many reasons. Number one, when you're not prepared to sacrifice for your spouse.
		

			Number one, when you're not prepared to stand up for your spouse, number one, when you do not
protect your spouse notice I said three things all of them are number one, you notice. The reason is
I can't tell you number two and three. These are all important matters.
		

			So my beloved brothers and sisters, when you don't stand up to protect your spouse
		

			from the evil of your own mother, your marriage is not going to work. You might say my mother has
rights. How can you say that she's evil, she's not evil. Shaytan is evil. shaitaan comes and makes
her say things. And I can explain to you why you were not married, your mother, your sister, perhaps
someone else in your family had you all to themselves. So you spend money on them, you spent time
with them, and you took them on holiday, you went around with them. Now you need to start your life,
you need someone who's going to be called a mother to other children who will belong to you. They
also have rights. So when you get married, it is natural, natural, human nature shape and comes and
		

			actually fuel that and make it worse, makes it worse. What happens. Now you cannot spend as much
money on your sister or your mother, as you did before. Because now you need to save. So before I
had a paycheck, and I used to just give it to my folks, now I have a paycheck, my wife has to share,
I have a living, I have a house, I have a car. So naturally, sometimes people will feel a I've lost
out. Up to that point. It's still natural. Beyond that shavon comes in Tampa and says listen, I hate
my sister in law, meaning your wife. So your sister is saying I hate my sister in law, not because
she's a bad person, not because of anything, she's taken my brother away from me. I hate my daughter
		

			in law because she's taken my son away from me, my beloved mother, my beloved sister,
		

			trust me, my wife has not taken you or me away from each other at all. I have responsibilities. You
had the privilege and the honor of having a little bit more of me when I was single. Now I'm no
longer single, I have a priority. People say obey your parents. I say not when you are married and
they are wrong. Remember this. Don't think it's noble to obey your parents when they are glaring you
in the face with something haram something wrong, they are usurping the rights of your wife. They
are they cannot be obeyed. There is now someone who is a mother to your children, who you need to
consider Yes, we will side with what is right and who is right whether it's your mother or your
		

			wife. Remember this. So I'm not saying that your parents should be disregarded no respect them at
all times. You know, if you go back to the, to the Quran and to the Sunnah of Muhammad wa sallam, He
never says that you blindly adopt and accept everything your parents say, not once did he say that?
Not even once. In fact, the Quran says what was seen in Santa bhiwani that he has not in another
place. A Santa. Allah has asked you to be good and kind to your parents. He did not say obedience.
Remember Why? Because obedience belongs to Allah. That's what it is. If your parents are right, I
will adopt what they are saying because they are right. If they are wrong, I will kindly tell them,
		

			respectfully tell them that you are wrong. Allahu Akbar. So I owe them kindness. When you look at
the hadith of your mother, who next to your mother, who next to your mother songs have been made
about it, you know that right?
		

			That never speaks of obedience. Do you know this? We need to clarify this. Because many, many
mothers are suffering from the Roth are the pain that is inflicted upon them by their mothers in law
and vice versa. Vice versa. I'm going to get to that just now.
		

			What does this mean? I am his mother. He should listen to me first. No, I am now a man when I was
not married. Yes, indeed. When I'm married, I just need to remember my mother's also a human being.
She can make mistakes. I love her. I will kiss her I will honor her. It does not mean I need to give
all my cash to her. She will not decide what to cook every day as though my wife is just a worker
who's come here to work. This is happening a lot of homes where the woman comes in. Yes, we are
living together. My beloved mother in law, we love you. And I'm talking here about my own mother to
beautiful woman Alhamdulillah. And I'm saying it in a beautiful way. We all love to live together.
		

			But you don't make the decisions in this home. No, not at all. If you're not a man, my beloved
		

			brother, who's now a husband, if you're not man enough to side with your spouse, when your mother is
wrong, or when she's overstepping her rights, trust me. They will be frustration caused by you in
the marriage and the marriage will break because today's girls are not like a long time ago. When a
car is damaged. They can send it for panel beating no longer now when the car is damaged. I want a
new one I want out that's what it is. Today for the smallest reason they want out you've had the
first problem I want out. That's another point that breaks marriages where we have a sickness
instead of helping each other when we are gone wrong. The husband doesn't want to hear Look, this is
		

			how my home is Take it or leave it while I'm leaving it. Then the marriage breaks and what happens
we end in divorce.
		

			For nothing, it could have been the best marriage we can still work it. We can, but we're being
stubborn you, my beloved brother stubborn you might be assistant, you are stubborn. And you know
what you're allowing people to have a say who are not supposed to be having a say the worst is when
you go to an alum or a counselor, and he tells you just mix up. Let's see my brother, my beloved
molana chef, whatever you call yourself, stop saying to the people make supper when you see that
someone is oppressing another it is a bother to stop oppression my brothers and sisters, I will tell
you look, you know your mother is wrong. Your father has caused the damage here. I will tell you
		

			that you can hate me for it. But it's a fact. If that is the case, the same applies sometimes a
daughter in law will come into the home and already she's been trained by her friends who might have
gone through other experiences. That's your enemy. So from day one, Sheila Medina Salam aleikum,
welcome to the home and she says, Hey, relax, take it easy. Take it easy. Allah forgive us stop
coming in with these preconceived ideas. Give them a chance. They love you, too. They love their
children. Remember, if a divorce happens, that men who was your husband will remain the son of that
particular woman forever, even though you are now out of the picture.
		

			But my beloved mother, the boy is not married to you, he's your child, he will remain your child.
Remember that?
		

			Subhanallah, my dear sister, that brother of yours will remain your brother.
		

			The Love is not going to go. But when you start treating your sister in law, who is now the wife of
that young man who's your brother badly, just because he doesn't spend the weekends with you. He
doesn't take you on those holidays anymore. Some people have another bad habit, what's the bad
habit? And I'm talking of things that are real because 80% or maybe more of the problems that people
actually relate to us are connected to their living and a lot of it is to do with marriage. So
sometimes you get married, Mashallah, you know, it's a sacrifice, it's a very big sacrifice, you
will need to adjust, you must learn to serve each other. You know, one might say, Okay, do I really
		

			need to cook? Well, if I say no to you, and no to him, I think you guys can stay on those books in
Sharla. You can just buy a bottle and every for lunch popping up. And well, when I say popples,
please, I'm talking of the right thing.
		

			So you know, for lunch, you have a little tablet and for supper, you have a tablet, that's not what
life is you have someone some way somehow is going to have to cook. So you need to help each other
sort that mete out, you know, you want me to go to work well, you're gonna have to help you. It's
something respectful. I'm not saying that it's bad. But for someone to sit over and above complain
about how the food was cooked, when it was cooked. It's my choice. If I'm married, and I'm a woman,
I can get up at 630 in the morning, finish cooking and go away. Or I can cook at 1230 it's up to me.
Why must my mother in law dictate to me Listen 630 you in the kitchen here? For what? It will break
		

			a marriage. Remember this? And you know it might be cultural but I'm talking from an Islamic
perspective, she does not have the right to do that. She Yes, you may want to cook you may want to
honor and I know of so many cases where the daughters in law don't mind. It's an honor for them to
cook. But they just want a small acknowledgement Mashallah, thank you so much You cook for us
Alhamdulillah they don't want you to pick on them and make Listen, make that and you know, I'm
inviting half the dunya relax this person here.
		

			Just because they can cook well doesn't give you the license to invite who you want for tea and for
supper. And for the same my daughter in law will cook even if you and her are on a good footing on a
good relationship. It will break it. She might be cursing you from inside to say, You know what?
inconsiderate? Can't you see I need my time. My It's okay, if it's once a month. You know, nowadays,
they say once a year. But anyway, no matter what. It's okay. Depending on how you are with these
people.
		

			It's your family. These things go wrong. So as I was saying, you go in sacrifice. Who would who
wouldn't want to sacrifice, but there needs to be appreciation. So I was saying sometimes we go on
holiday? Yes. And hamdulillah. Who do we tag along? We tag along the entire dunya. So I go, my wife
goes, who else goes? Well, I'm talking of initially when you don't have children, my mother has to
come. My dad has to come. My sisters, my brothers who are unmarried have to come sometimes my sister
who's married with her husband has to come. That's not a holiday, to be honest with you. If you have
a family who loves doing that, and genuinely they all looking forward to it. You are fortunate. But
		

			sometimes people want their private moments, hey, I want to go and be able to just be myself. No
worry about cooking anything for one week, please. I think you would owe that. Oh, that maybe not
from an Islamic perspective as in how holidays are not foreign, but it's something that would
actually
		

			Help your marriage. Give them a break. Give them a break, spend the money that you've been earning,
don't just keep it in the bank and wait for the day you die, when everyone will be scrounging May
Allah subhanho wa Taala forgive us. So the reason I say this, they are problems and people are not
providing solutions.
		

			The problems, you cannot just say one person is wrong. At times, we don't want to listen to what the
problem is, at times. We know the problem, but we are too weak to actually address the problem.
That's my father. I don't want to address this matter. Your father, respectfully address it. He
doesn't like you. He doesn't like your wife as a result, his weakness, not yours. I cannot allow
oppression to continue forever. I live in the same home. They don't talk to each other until when
that's not healthy for the house. You don't speak to her for what what's the problem? Did she eat
something of yours? Did she say something? If she did treat her as your own child or your own mother
		

			and say, Look, this happened? I was very hurt. inshallah it mustn't happen again. You need to learn
to say I'm sorry. It happened a moment I was upset. We had a misunderstanding. Allah has given us a
good way out blame Shame on you know, really, I didn't want to say shaitan made me say it. That's
such a beautiful outlet. Imagine Allah gave you a way out. You can have Swan someone Five minutes
later say You know what? That was? shapen brother I love you. I swear Subhana Allah imagine so the
problem is when you become the shape on yourself then when you say to a shape and say I know you the
biggest shape on here.
		

			So my brothers and sisters, we need to resolve the matters quickly.
		

			I always say look what if this was your own child? What would you do? Well, I would listen to them I
would try and obey I would try and solve I would try and you know listen to what they are saying
well treat them like your child because if you don't you the marriage is going to break and too many
marriages are breaking. Another difficulty and this is something that I found in a lot of cases when
we have daughters or sons. We sometimes spoiled them so badly as they are growing up so much that we
don't realize their spouses may not be able to give them such a life that we provided as a result.
They may never be able to live with anyone anyone at all. They may never because why everything was
		

			on the plate. They've never lifted a plate forget about anything else. Everything was given you
wanted a holiday you got it you wanted a Ferrari You got it. You wanted to go to Harare, you went
luck. May Allah subhanho wa Taala guide us May Allah make it easy. Sometimes even if you can afford
the most luxurious of lives. I'm not saying become stingy, but learn to teach them what appreciation
is you don't have to splash because sometimes they may not have you may not have it a few years down
the line. You need to learn to adjust your life. That's your spouse, you make it, you're going to
have children. They're going to miss your clothes, they're going to do so much Subhana Allah May
		

			Allah subhanho wa Taala guidance. So my brothers and sisters, something extremely important is to
work hard to resolve the problems you have in the marriage. But with justice, what does that mean?
Don't just think you are the only one who's right. You may be wrong. And this goes both ways.
		

			Sometimes the daughter in law is wrong. I've had cases where daughter in law comes to complain and
it ends up that she is disrespectful to the parents of her own husband. We are not saying you need
to serve them. At least be respectful, Be kind, be good with your words. Excuse them, they are old.
You know what the Quran says? The Quran speaks about how Allah has created men. Allah,
		

			Allah Cancun, bar,
		

			bar, bar,
		

			bar, the
		

			bar,
		

			Shiva, Allah has created you, oh man. In a stage of weakness, you are weak when you are born very
weak. So what happened someone had to look after if they didn't, your survival was at stake.
		

			After that weakness, we gave you strength. And after that strength, we reduced you back to weakness
and gray hair, which means it's worse than just weakness. You are strong at one stage, you become a
person weak once again. And I believe that sometimes and I'm going to say something
		

			you know that you might think about later.
		

			When you are young, you might miss your napkin. And your mother will clean it your father might help
or your siblings or whoever else. Where did you miss? You missed because your sphincter muscle was
not actually controlled. It was not strong enough to hold back. You didn't know how to use it. So
perhaps urinated. Perhaps you might have missed your napkin, whatever it was.
		

			That was a gift that Allah bestowed upon you
		

			Your parents need to know, I sacrificed for the child. But when a person grows older, they may not
miss that way they may miss from their mouth. Remember this carefully, why dirtier words than
changing the napkin can come out from elderly people who are in pain sometimes who are frustrated
sometimes where there's a generation gap, and they don't understand. If there's more than nowadays,
I'd like to say 25 years, 30 years between you and your your parents, there's bound to be a
generation gap understanding gap bound to be remember this, usually they used to say 40 years is a
generation completely different thinking. But I think it's gone a little bit less now. because
		

			technology is advancing every minute. So the way I think, might not be the way my children who are
25 years younger than me may think I will, no matter how cool a dad I think I'm going to be or a
father in law or a mother in law, there will be differences in thinking, because there's a
generation gap. So out of frustration, sometimes you say things that are hard, harsh, you don't
realize that's not your child, it's someone else's daughter, someone else's son, you've hurt them.
When someone else hurts the child of another person, the hurt is deeper, the cut is deeper than if
it was your own child. Remember that?
		

			Be careful. Now I'm addressing those who are hurt by what the elderly have said to you. Ignore it,
change the nappy and carry on Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar. If you've understood what I've said, let
it happen that to the next day, they will beg for forgiveness, they might get in the difficulty.
Sometimes the elderly are stubborn. They don't ask for forgiveness come what mean they are wrong. We
found out that they said one plus one is three and the whole dunya knows it's two. They won't
apologize. Three. It's three, I'm telling you three, you say no, but it's two who said you can
subtract one from three. That's the type of answers you get. May Allah subhanho wa Taala help us
		

			these people are witty, they are sharp. They know sometimes they don't apologize, because why I'm an
elderly person who are who are you that I must apologize to you, my beloved elderly, a lot of you
are geniuses, you don't make those mistakes. But if you do Subhanallah, Please apologize. Please
apologize, learn to make amends. We don't want our children's marriages to break because we are
putting pressure on our daughters in law, or sons in law or anyone else. But something that happens
when you get old and you are in pain, your level of tolerance becomes very, very less. The level is
low, very low. Your fuse becomes five amps when it was 15 before any small thing and it's blown. May
		

			Allah subhanho wa Taala guide us so sometimes, and I know usually when you hear a little bit of a
rant, you hear something, you know, you can say Subhan Allah you in pain, and they'll say, clearly
so you know, Subhana light happens because that's how the body operates. Sometimes you vent out
something in a different way without realizing it's wrong, no matter what it's wrong. My brothers
and sisters, as I end, I want to just ask you one thing, this topic is long, and I think I'm going
to speak about it again with a little bit more detail. But what I want every one of us those who are
married those who are not those who have children who are married those who do not. I want you to
		

			undertake for the sake of Allah on this beautiful Friday in your heart here and now that you will
make life easy for those whom you live with. Shall the oma is suffering. We don't need more
suffering, at least in your home, sought out the matters. Learn to give people a little bit of their
independence don't interfere in lives of those whom your interference is not welcome. Some people
love interference. Oh, tell me what should I do? What should I cook? What should I do? Where should
I live? so on so forth. I know of a marriage that broke because the mother decided to break
relations with her daughter in law because they had children two years before the mother said they
		

			should have children. Come on. Come on. That is absolutely ridiculous. Allah has not given you it's
not within your jurisdiction. Allah has not given you the right to say that. It's not your rights.
But things have happened. as ridiculous as then ask yourself maybe in my life, maybe in your life,
there are things happening, possibly not as ridiculous, but they are strangling relationships make
it easy. So we go back today. So to mete out, I haven't even got to, you know, cheating in marriage
and so on, because that's a topic on its own. That is a big disaster, especially today. But I can
also add one quick note to say, when your spouse has made a mistake. Remember, step number one is
		

			not to want out no ways. That's the last step. Step number one is to seek medication. To solve the
matter. The man made a mistake, or the woman made a mistake. try and solve the problem help them
they may come out of that mistake better than they ever were. You may have a more blissful marriage
when you help them through the problem. That's one of your duties as a spouse. Remember, this was
us. One problem, I saw a message it just says I love you. Who that
		

			The slide I want out I'm going to talk to you out. Nick, the man says, you know how it's like a lawn
mower. People think that mowing the lawn that's not how you divorce a woman that's actually worse
than an animal's way of speaking.
		

			And then you find out Oh, that was just a message from her mother or her father. And then you hit
your head to late stavola May Allah forgive us. Really, someone makes a mistake plan help solve the
matter even if it is a real disaster. If you're a real spouse, you will help in that way. May Allah
subhanahu wa taala bless us all May Allah subhanho wa Taala open our doors those who are not
married. Now Allah subhanho wa Taala help you and give you spouses who will be the coolness of your
eyes, and those who are married May Allah subhanahu wa taala grant you bliss in your marriages,
those who have marital problems may this be a means inshallah of you sorting out your problems by
		

			the will of Allah subhanho wa Taala wa sallahu wa salam o Baraka, Allah Nabina Muhammad