Mufti Menk – How to win custody of your child

			As salam o alaikum, if you are going through a divorce, and you have children, remember, those
children do not belong to you alone, they belong to both the mother and the father. And you will
need to fulfill whatever the almighty who is the giver of those children and who will take their
lives away. And your lives, you will have to adopt the law of the Almighty, whatever he wants to
happen shall happen. So never ever prevent or prohibit a spouse from seeing their own children be
the mother of the child, or the children or the father of the child or children unless that person
is really abusive and has abused those particular children. And that also would be under
		

			circumstances that are very rare, but it does happen. So if you have had someone who is a *, a
person who is, for example,
		

			very abusive, someone who's totally unwell mentally, and you fear for the life of that particular
child, in that case, you may go through a process, either through the scholars or the courts, in
order to get what the Almighty has ordained, may Allah Almighty make it easy for us. The reason I
say this is, the children suffer a lot. I've met a lot of children being raised by single parents,
some of these single parents do an amazing job, amazing job. And they've actually done better than
some of those who have both parents. But at times, you find the parental deficit quite clear in the
children where you know, there was an absence of a child of a parent or you know that there was so
		

			much of fighting, you don't even know your your child might be yearning to meet the other parent,
and here you are blocking the child, do you really think in that case, it's not going to damage the
child, and you are sowing a seed at a young age of such damaging effect, that when they grow older,
they will definitely play it out in one way or another, either mental issues, emotional issues,
psychological issues, health issues, whatever else it may be social issues, but it is picked up a
lot of the times that this child has struggled when it was little when he or she was little. And
therefore my brothers, my sisters, fear Allah regarding your children. Remember, the child does not
		

			belong only to you, no matter who it is, the child has a mother and a father, remember that. So
therefore, my brothers, my sisters, you should allow the other parent the opportunity to either have
the custody when it is ordained, or the access when it is ordained. Now my brothers, my sisters,
let's be reasonable.
		

			If you come from a family, or if you yourself are so busy, you don't have time for the children or
the child, or you know that the upbringing of the child is not going to be good with you. And don't
be too hard and fast regarding the upbringing of that child, and for them to be with you, because
you know, that it's not good enough for them to be with you, you're hardly there. Or there is a lot
of screaming and shouting in your house or some of the inhabitants may be including yourself or a
parent or whoever else might have terrible habits like being an alcoholic or a drug addict, to the
degree that it is detrimental for the child in that case. Remember, look at what is best for the
		

			child. Don't fight a case simply because you want to prove a point to your ex, please look at the
interest of the child and look at what is best for the child. I've seen people who have no scope to
raise the children. But what they do is they fight in order to prove a point to their exes.
		

			We are not using as a footballer, little children, we kick around from pillar to post. That's not
how it works. In Islam, you're supposed to look at where the child is best fitting, and what is the
best for the child over and above what Allah Almighty has ordained. So the mother gets preference in
the early years of the life of that particular child. And later on. The father gets preference when
it comes to the custody at a certain age, perhaps at the age of 911 depending and whether it's a boy
or a girl, there are different rules. Remember, still if you know that there is an amicable solution
between yourselves that Islam says it's okay you can resolve it yourselves. So the rulings may drop
		

			aside if you have agreed. If the father comes about and says Listen, I'm unable to look after these
children I'm going to provide for them. The father must provide for these children up to the age of
majority or up to the age when the children when the when the daughter
		

			is married or up to the age when the Son is earning and his own his own two feet. But at the same
time, you must remember that if you know that you cannot raise the child, you can come up and say,
Look, I'm not going to be able to do this, please, can you do it for me? And maybe the mother might
come and say, Look, can I keep these children if you don't mind, I'll allow you access and so on.
Similarly, when you do have access to the children don't delay and come late. And one day you call,
for example, if you have phone calls, you phone at a time when you think, Oh, I'm the father, or I'm
the mother, I can do as I want. No, you need to stick to a time these children wait for your calls
		

			at times. And you need to be able to say things, there is no point in demanding a one hour call when
you're only going to speak for 10 minutes with your child, and you won't know what to say. And you
won't. It's not all about just having a video call with your child and sitting there and waiting and
waiting and waiting for what that's not what it's all about. It's communication, you speak, you ask
them and so on, when the child is very little, they may not talk, don't jump to a conclusion to
think that your spouse did not allow or has brainwashed the child against you. In most cases they
haven't. It's just the child, the child doesn't have time. Even if you were there in person, the
		

			child might not have even wanted to talk to you. It happens to people who are not even divorced. It
happens to people who are not even separated. So what would what do you think will happen to those
who are speaking from a distance, it's not easy to speak over the phone. And even sometimes, when
you go there, the child might make some tantrums, the child might misbehave, the child might not
want to see you. So all of this can happen. It doesn't mean you blame the other spouse. What's the
problem? Why is the child not ready to see me, the child might not have had a good night, the
previous night. And when the child hasn't had good sleep, for whatever reason it may have been, they
		

			would probably get up the following morning, not as peaceful as they have been for a while. So my
brothers, my sisters, don't think bad thoughts. Look at what's best for the child, you may have to
sacrifice and you will have to sacrifice a lot. But you must allow that custody and access wherever
it belongs. And be open about it. Like I said,
		

			if you have to visit, don't say I'm coming at nine o'clock, and then you pick it up at 12. Or you
pick up at 10. An hour later, the child is going to be tired, not even wanting to see you. If the if
it's 510 minutes here and there, it's okay. But in the case of divorce, when you've given a time,
try to stick by it, because it may, it may affect the plans of everyone. Also, when a child is very
little, try not to take the child away from the mother. Because even if you have access, you can see
the child and then you leave the child with the mother and you continue. And you can see the child
regularly if you want but if the child is very little, and you're going to take the child away, if
		

			you are not prepared to fully take care of that child, then you may cause damage to that child by
separating it from its mother. And that's the reason why in Islam, the mother is given much more
importance than the father in the early years of the lives of these children.
		

			Subhan Allah, it's amazing. This is the law of Allah Subhana Allah to Allah. So remember this. And
as the child grows, you may take the child maybe for an hour, bring them back, perhaps when they
grow to about five years old, you might want to take them for a day and bring them back when they
grow to 710. You might want to take them for a weekend and bring them back and alternate the
weekends you cannot have every weekend because the mother might want some of the weekends. And you
must be okay. You must be reasonable about these things. You must be able to compromise a little bit
here and there. This is when we will be raising children who will be beautiful children with the
		

			least issues insha Allah azza wa jal, I really pray for those who have gone through divorce for the
single parents. It's not a joke. It's not easy. May Allah make it easy for you. I'm sure most of you
are doing a splendid job. But please try and go easy on these children. Remember, they are affected
very much by your statements, your words, your squabbles, your fighting, your delays, your
unreasonably, your your unreasonable behavior. They are affected and you know, when it plays out, as
they grow into their teenage years and beyond. It plays out very badly, sometimes even in adulthood.
It plays out and you can trace it back to when they were children. And when the father was being
		

			ridiculous when it came to these particular children. Also, my brothers and sisters, I seize an
opportunity to say, do not I hope you're not doing it, but I'm just going to say do not do not
brainwash your children against the other parent. Don't do that. It's a waste of time. And you know
what? You're going to get nowhere. And actually you will answer in the eyes of Allah. So
		

			Panama data you've had squabbles leave them between the adults those children mostly mostly do not
need to know about them especially in the early years of their lives may Allah Almighty guide us all
and give us the best of this world and the next as Salaam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh