Mufti Menk – Divorce and Child Custody

			Assalamualaikum
		

			my brothers and sisters, divorce is something that is the last option. But it is permissible in
Islam. It is something that needs to be spoken about because it is on the rise. And many people
don't realize that if it was difficult to be married, it may be even more difficult to be divorced.
So people make decisions without thinking, without actually considering all factors. The reason I
want to make this video today is because there are so many people out there who have children who
don't realize that, once you have children, you will always be connected to the person you had the
kids with, right up to the end, even if you were divorced. And that is a test from the almighty for
		

			all of us. So those who think I'm married, I've got kids, but I'm going to go through a divorce and
I don't ever need to see this person again, they are actually wrong. Because you will have to have
something to do with them for the rest of your lives. Or at least until these children become
adults, and they're married and, and so on. But most people don't consider the fact that the
children are innocent, what is the sin of children in this whole thing, if you did not get along
with your spouse, and you decided, after having tried whatever you could, that we need to part ways,
you need to make sure that you are selfless regarding the children come what may the hatred, you
		

			might have the ill feeling you might have the bad experiences you've had all that needs to be put
aside, and you have to for the betterment of your children and the offspring for the fulfillment of
the rights that the Almighty has placed on your shoulders, you have to be mature enough to
understand that these children come first. So as much as you and I might think that you know what,
it's okay for me to just go away and walk out. If you've got children, it's not going to be that
easy. Consider this, these children at the beginning they will have
		

			the custody or they will be in the custody of their mothers according to the Islamic rules, they
will be in the custody of their mothers initially male or female, because obviously they need the
mother at that stage, when they get to a certain stage a stage of understanding and age of
understanding. The scholars differ exactly what that age is, I'd like to think about 1011 somewhere
there. To be fair, nowadays, you have primary school, high school, perhaps in the middle there so
that you don't affect them in a bad way, then the custody actually shifts to the Father, in the case
of the girls. And in the case of the boys. A lot of the scholars say the boys are told to actually
		

			choose where they want to go, why should the custody shift to the Father because the father is
responsible to then get the child married, and so on. But if there is a mutual understanding between
these warring factions, if I can read it that way, because people are normally so angry with each
other, when they divorce, there has to be some form of an understanding if this understanding is
mutual, and it is something that you've agreed, then Islam doesn't get involved the rules and
regulations Don't get involved at that stage, like if you say, look, take care of them, don't worry,
it's fine. I'm okay with it, I will keep on, you know, maintaining or I will do whatever I can and
		

			you do whatever you can, it's not so easy to come to a mutual understanding, because as it is your
whole marriage broke apart because you could not come to any agreement. So it's not going to be easy
to agree on something after the marriage. Now,
		

			what we need to know is, whoever has the custody, the other party will have reasonable access. This
reasonable access is something that needs to be discussed. Because people don't know, in the initial
two years, when the child is breastfeeding, the father cannot just come and say, right, I'm taking
the kid away, you know, for the day, I'm taking the kid away for the weekend, etc. No, the child is
in need of the mother, you may come and see that particular child for for an hour or so, under the
supervision of members of the family have that particular mother, or
		

			you know, with her terms, so to speak in the sense that something understood, you cannot just come
while they're busy or without announcing it. For this reason, we must stipulate things you must make
sure that everything is written and the lines are drawn, this day of the week, this time of the day,
for two hours, we will come I will come with so and so you cannot just send your neighbor or just a
distant relative or someone it has to be you or perhaps a parent, you know, or someone who is very
someone who is related to in the first order. So you cannot just say right, I'm going to send
someone to collect the child and you know, send the child away. Children at that age. They
		

			recognize people and they begin to cry when they don't have an a connection with that person. So you
have to develop the relationship you have to understand for this reason, upon the divorce, you have
to agree that look, say, for example, on a Saturday, every alternate weekend, and Sunday, the other
weekend, so one week, Sunday, one week, Saturday, for two hours, for example, at a time that is
suitable to both of us, I will come and see my child, and maybe one week day, and some people cannot
make during the weekday, so either party cannot make it and it's not a joke. Because if a man is
working from eight to five, he cannot just come and decide, right, I'm going to come at eight
		

			o'clock in the evening, I mean, that's the time to sleep for the children. And then you cannot say
you keeping the kids away from you. Because that's so impractical, you need to either make the time
or you lose. And you cannot say, Look, my mom's gonna collect the child. And that's it. And then you
send your mom, the mom collects, and you haven't even seen the chat. So although the broader family
definitely has rights over the child, but yours is a primary, right? There's is a secondary, right.
So the husband and wife have primary rights, meaning the initial, the strongest, right, and then the
others have rights, but those are secondary, they follow your so when you take them, then you can
		

			take them here, and then to see whoever and whatever.
		

			So that's initially the first two years once the child is off the breast and the child understands,
then you might want to perhaps spend a little bit more time it may be reasonable to take the child
if the child becomes acquainted with you, and doesn't cry, or yell or be unreasonable. And don't
think for a moment that the one parent is actually, you know, sort of twisting the child against you
or, you know, brainwashing the child against you know, a lot of the times it's just you who doesn't
spend much time. Also, you cannot just form that anytime of your convenience and say I want to speak
to my child that is wrong. It has to be fixed. Because we couldn't get along when we were married,
		

			we are never going to get along properly. After the divorce if you continue in this particular way.
So it needs to be fixed. This time, you will call it seven o'clock on this day, for example, you
agree to it, if you don't call by 715, then you lose the 15 minute call that you're going to be
calling you see. Another thing is if you want to call, I think it's only fair for you to pay for the
data. And to pay for the
		

			Haha, to pay for the video call if you'd like one. And you need to be respectful, only after
respectful words, because if you say disrespectful words to yours, ex spouse, who is the mother or
the father of that particular child, trust me, you are ruining the child. And you are you are
answerable in the eyes of Allah subhanho wa Taala for having said something that is disastrous for
having done something that is unacceptable. You're ruining the child, you do not speak
disrespectfully with your wife, with your wife while you are married. And it becomes even more
important when you're divorced, because she is no longer your wife. She's a strange woman. So you're
		

			supposed to be even more careful, because that's not your wife, it could be the wife of someone
else. So my beloved brothers and sisters, it's important to notice, you know, too many problems
today, because the divorce rate has spiraled it's gone through the roof. You know, nowadays, people
get married, and we just have to hold our breath to hope that chocolate works. I hope it's working,
everything's okay. Because before you know it, you know the food hasn't yet digested from the
function. And next thing the marriage is over. Now, that is a disaster. So my brothers and sisters,
remember this, fix a time, if you lost the slot, you lost the slot, don't get on edge, don't become
		

			angry, don't be vulgar. Don't start swearing. Don't say that's my child. We all know whose child it
is. But you need to follow a rule you need to draw a line. If those lines are not drawn, you're
never going to be able to achieve and it's going to be a disaster for you and your new spouse, for
her and her new spouse as well or a situation. So you need to also take into consideration that the
dealing needs to be or it's best for it to be with a person who is not your ex directly. Especially
in the case where there was a break where there was a breakdown that was very ugly, you know, the
breakup was very ugly.
		

			Because you need to either involve the new spouse, definitely or you need to involve one of the
parents whether you like them or not, is besides the point, the fact that you didn't like them
resulted in the divorce well now deal with it now deal with it, you're going to have to deal with
it. And let's try and be reasonable on both sides because I do know the person who has custody
generally, you know people become so filled with hate that they start thinking okay, I want to fix
this person. I'm never going to show them the child I'm never going to allow them access. That's
wrong. You are harming and damaging your own child. I promise you you're damaging your own child and
		

			for for a parent to tell the other parent who is now the ex that you know or to speak about the
other parent who's now the ex that you know, or your father was very, very
		

			He's ugly, this is what he did. And he was, the child has nothing to do with that you say, no matter
what our differences were, that is your father, no matter what our differences were, that is your
mother. That's a true Muslim. You you truly believe in Allah, when you can acknowledge that, look,
we had our differences, but that's your father, you've got to go to your father. And the father also
needs to say good words. Like, for example, you have a phone call, we agreed on 715, you phoned at
720 Alhamdulillah. You've got a 15 minutes lock, Mashallah. And you speak to your child and the
child says, Daddy, I'm missing you. So you say, yeah, it's your mother, you know, your mother, she
		

			doesn't want you to talk to me, she doesn't want you to come, wait, why are you involving the child
in that you can address someone else with that the adults, but for the child, you just need to say
good words, let me train you. So the child says, I miss you, Dad, you say, Oh, I missed you, too. I
hope to see you sometime. And you know, it's so nice at the moment you with mommy, concentrate on
your school concentrate with this. And when we get a chance we will meet up. That's the way to
speak. So you did not you did not spew venom from your mouth. But rather, what you did was you help
the child live and understand the situation. Many parents don't operate in this way. We don't want
		

			to understand and we don't want others to understand either. So we just tell the child Yeah, that's
your mother, well, that's your father, your father is a horrible person, he doesn't care for you. He
doesn't say anything for you, if the father doesn't say anything, at least deal with the Father, or
deal with someone around the father, but you don't have to contaminate the brain or the mind of the
child. Because of that, because you are actually damaging the child's, you know, growth, you're
stunting the growth, emotional, physical, psychological everything. So we need to be very careful in
this regard. So when you have a phone call, or when you're calling Make sure when you talk to the
		

			child, you only utter positive words about your ex, they're already your ex, so it's over. It's
somebody else now, acknowledge that that's the mother of your children or the father of your
children. Similarly, the access as time passes will become a little bit more and better, but it
needs to be Agreed. Agreed, meaning the maintenance will come in how much will it be now you cannot
say something unreasonable, right? You need to send me $1,000 every week, take it easy, you know, we
need to send a portion of this, say for example, something reasonable, something reasonable, it
doesn't have to be so much and it doesn't have to be that which is going to cater for the luxuries.
		

			You know, she needs to buy a Gucci she needs to buy you know, Bulgari perfumes, she needs to buy
something, she needs to go on a trip to ombre etc. Wait, wait, I'm talking about a she but it could
be a heat, you need to be reasonable, you need to be very reasonable basic food, clothing,
accommodation and allowance generally. And you need to be grateful that the person who has the
custody is actually taking care of the child, there needs to be gratitude, there needs to be a fair
amount of maintenance. And it's not cheap to be divorced when you have children, because you're
going to be paying a little bit more than if you had the children living with you. The reason is,
		

			they're not living with you. So for example, if I've got five kids, and I'm living with them, so
panela, it might be cheaper per kid, because I'm dividing it by five. But if, for example, there is
a divorce, and the kids are with their with the mom, for example, I'm going to be paying a little
bit more, because now we're dividing it by two into two. And it might be a little bit more. So
something reasonable, it needs to be written, it needs to be agreed. Similarly, it would be in the
best of the interests of those who have custody to actually have a little breakdown of their
expenses in the case where they know that their ex is unreasonable. And they're going to make issues
		

			about money. A lot of the times you have wealthy spouses, but when they're divorced, or when there
is a divorce, they don't take care of their own kids their own blood. And what do they do with the
millions and the billions that they have? Well, I don't know where they spend it and what they do.
But the sad thing is they think they're fixing their ex not realizing their children are watching.
And as they grow, they know they understand they're not foolish. So Pamela, it's actually terrible.
When a person does that now, if you have a wealthy ex spouse would tells you look, I don't mind
nevermind, Leave, leave, money matters. And so it's okay. Like I told you, when there is a mutual
		

			understanding, it's definitely fine. It's okay. But the problem is when there is no mutual
understanding, you need to arrive at a solution, you must compromise. And don't be ridiculous, like,
you know, you can on both sides, like for example, there is a house we're renting it for $500 a
month, and there are four people living in there. One of them is your child from an X. So you can't
just say, Roger, you have to pay the whole rent, no, they pay a portion of the rent divided and
we'll pay a portion of it. And we pay a portion of the expenses that are there. So say your house
expenses are $800 a month, you divide it by five and you will get the
		

			you know the amount and inshallah you also have to look at the pocket of your ex who is maintaining
the child because sometimes that person may not be wealthy. I know people who want to send their
kids to private
		

			And the ex is poor, meaning he doesn't have that money, he might have other obligations. So he's
telling you, why don't you send the child to a school that is going to cost us less, and you're
fighting? Well, he owes you the minimum, if you would like to, you know, do something higher than
you're going to have to cough up. That's the reality. But if you know that he's very wealthy, and
he's just running away from it, that's a different issue. However, what we need to understand is,
don't just develop an idea in your mind without knowing the reality on the ground.
		

			So that's as far as that particular stage goes, as you grow a little bit older, you can take the
child for a weekend. But those weekends need to be agreed upon, you can take the child for a
holiday, but that holiday needs to be agreed upon. And you need to have developed a relationship
with the child so that they are comfortable with you during a long period. Because if you haven't
seen the child for a year, and suddenly you want to take the child for a holiday, the child might
suffer because they'll get sick, they they won't want to be with you emotionally, they will be
strained and drained. And psychologically, they will be drained as well, because you're you and your
		

			whole system is totally new to this particular child, even though it's your child. So you have to
keep the pace, you have to keep the relationship you have to keep speaking you have to create an
interest. inshallah, we'll see you in the holidays, oh, yeah, I'm looking forward to it, that looks,
that's much better. And then you have an agreement, so how long so if the children if the custody is
with one, the one who has access is the one who should make the arrangement to pick the children up
and to drop them back the day the custody swaps, it's going to be the other way around. So they will
have to come and go. So if you live in another town, if you live in another suburb, if you live in
		

			another country, then obviously you've understood what I've said, it becomes more difficult, but the
one who has the access needs to make the arrangement more than the one who actually has the custody
and we need to be reasonable. Also, we need to take into consideration the school days, the
holidays, and the holidays need to be rotated in the sense that not every holiday is yours, you
cannot just say right, this is mine, and that's yours, you have to agree this year, you'll have the
first holiday I have the second next year, you will have the first I'll have the second is that
okay? or part of it, parts of the holidays even better, you don't have to take them for the whole
		

			time. Sometimes we cannot manage we cannot cope, to keep the kids with us. But just to make a
statement, we take those children and we make sure that they stay with us under circumstances that
are very difficult, because we want to show that we took the kids, if that's the case, Allah knows,
you know, don't lie to yourself, just put your tail between your legs and go and admit that you know
what I really can't manage. And I appreciate the fact that you're really taking care of these
children and handler. So this is what would happen at the age of understanding, say roughly about
the end of primary school in a lot of cases, some scholars make it a little bit earlier. But I'd
		

			like to take it to that point.
		

			At the age of approximately the end of primary school as the transition is happening between primary
and high, then then yes, the father gets custody according to the Islamic rules, unless there is
another agreement that you have had, which is fine, which is fine. If you've had a mutual agreement,
there's no harm. But if there's no mutual agreement, at that stage, the father gets custody of the
girls. And as for the boys, they're told to choose where they want to go. It's quite simple. The
only time the father does not get custody is when he is a known, molester, *. If he's really
terribly proven to be a person who has abused kids, or heavy, heavy drug addict, and so on. In that
		

			case, you need to contact those around you the scholars, perhaps they will guide you, to tell you
how best things are done because we need to protect the child. If we have to protect the child from
a father or a mother. So be it it we have to do it. Sometimes you have to protect your child from an
abusive mother who only swears screams, yells, shouts and beats people up. If that's the case, it's
the duty of the father or anyone else to protect that child because you're damaging the upbringing
of the child. So this is extremely important
		

			to know that there comes a time when the child would actually shift. And when the child shifts,
everything goes the other way around. Besides the issue of maintenance, where the mother doesn't
have to maintain the children unless obviously she wants to give them something from herself, that's
fine. But generally now the child would be with the Father. And if the boy chooses to be with the
Father and hamdulillah he's with the Father and what would happen is he would then get access or the
other spouse would get access to the mother would get access. That access is similar because now
they're old. The kids can make an arrangement themselves with the with the parent and in liaison
		

			with both parents to say you know what, I'd like to go to mum. Perhaps next weekend, I'd like to
spend the week there I'd like to do this I'd like to do that and inshallah we should be
accommodating the reason why we should be accommodating we do not want to affect the growth of that
child in any of the aspects of growth, psychological, physical, mental, etc. Emotional. We have to
try and help them
		

			children grow. So before you know it, the children will be adults, they will probably be married.
And before you know it, everything will have settled. So the only time you settle down a little bit
is when your kids are old, and they're married and they know how to manage things. Don't ever speak
bad about your ex to the children, because that ex of yours is also apparent to those children.
Remember that, if you want to damage your children, then you do that. If you are really a Muslim,
you would never do that. Now, Allah subhanho wa Taala protect us, you know, people make mistakes.
But this video is here to actually help people. I'm going to be posting this up on YouTube. And I
		

			really hope that it can be shared far and wide, because this problem is on the on the rise. So like
I said, we have to write things down, make sure they're clear the issue of maintenance, the issue of
access, custody, and how it will work, the issue of phone calls, when we will phone and how long we
will form for, especially initially, you cannot just say I'm going to buy a phone for my kid. No,
the mother might not want the child to have a kid because the mothers duty at that stage is the
upbringing. So it's not healthy to have kids with phones with smartphones at a young age, but you
will use another phone and you will make sure that there is there is a set time phone these days at
		

			this time you expect your dad's call. That is the way it works in Islam, you don't just come and
impose yourself as I'm the father. I know I know how it feels. But at the same time, you have to
follow some rules because you cannot just create chaos on the globe. It has to be worked up those
families that have broken up and they have not been able to work things out and write it down. They
have never succeeded. So put your tail between your legs. Sorry to say it a second time, but you
have to, and you have to come up with an agreement, you have to draw it you have to write it down,
you have to make sure that you are reasonable. And you have to understand it's a give and take here.
		

			No matter how much your hatred was, you have to set it aside, you have to come to the party for the
sake of these beautiful children of yours. So I pray that Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us a deep
understanding, I hope that this topic was really of benefit. And inshallah I hope to continue with
this topic at some stage later on. But for now, I just spoke about the issue of divorce. And the
fact that divorce when you have children is more difficult than when you were married to that
person. So consider it and make sure that it was a last resort. It is permissible, but what you need
to know is those rights of the children that will come up later on. They need to be fulfilled in the
		

			most selfless way. And if you don't do that you will be failing your test from Allah subhanho wa
Taala if marriage had opened the doors of you engaging in acts of worship that were inapplicable
before because now you had inlaws to look after and to maintain the ties with then I tell you
divorce has even more duties and more acts of worship that really go to show whether you're a true
believer or not. And whether you understand that these children are not just yours or your spouse's,
but in actual fact they belong to a lot. They belong to Allah and Allah gave them to you to test
you. What will you do with these children? When now that you are divorced? Are you going to do what
		

			Allah wants? Or you're going to do what your whims and fancies tell you? So Alhamdulillah I really
thank Allah for giving me the opportunity to speak to you in this regard. And let's pray that we can
actually benefit and benefit others learn to cooperate with one another and you have to love each
other for the sake of Allah subhanho wa Taala you didn't get along? hamdulillah no problem. Last
Resort was the divorce but you are going to have to for the sake of Allah, you're going to have to
make an agreement, come to the table, speak, be reasonable and agree. And don't be a person who
thinks that you know what, I can fix the other party because if that's the case, the Almighty might
		

			just fix you may Allah subhanho wa Taala not do that to us. I hope we've benefited the Santa Monica
monument to lie about a cat