Mirza Yawar Baig – Living Islam – Marriage, Making and Living it #13
AI: Summary ©
The speakers emphasize the importance of men in their decisions and advise parents to avoid "monster marriages" and avoid "monster marriages" as it would lead to "monster behavior" and "monster marriages." They also stress the importance of privacy and sharing ownership in relationships and emphasize the need to adjust behavior and provide space for one's own privacy. The speakers also advise against trying to be politically correct or polite and encourage people to be honest and respectful about their spouse's behavior.
AI: Summary ©
100 layerable Alameen wa salatu salam ala Shara Colombia when mousseline Muhammad Rasul Allah is Allah Muhammad Ali, he was able to sell them to Steven cathedra and cathedra. From Abbado, my brothers and sisters, we were talking about arranged marriages last time, and I just want to round off the topic.
Arranged marriages as a convenience makes sense. Because it saves both spouses from having to do their hunting alone.
And if you have family, if you have friends who are who know you well, and who can suggest you,
somebody who they think might be compatible, then it is something which is good hamdulillah nothing wrong. But
please be very clear in your mind.
The decision to marry or not to marry is yours, and has to be yours. And there can be no doubt about this.
If you decide to accept whatever recommendation was done, and then if things go wrong, and you want to blame the person who recommended then you are insane, that's absolutely out of the question. That person is not responsible, whoever recommended the person to you, their responsibility ends with the recommendation, they actually did do a favor by recommending somebody to check out that person to talk to that person to ask all the questions you need to ask to satisfy yourself that yes, indeed, to the extent possible that is that I can that is available to me. To that extent, I am sure that I want to marry this person, that decision always, always, always has to be yours. And this is what
Islam teaches us.
So insist on meeting the person face to face, insist on talking to them face to face. The women if it's if you are somebody who was in a car, you are required to take off the niqab so that your prospective husband can see your face and you can talk to that doctor with him. And he can talk to you face to face, looking at each other's faces. There are two situations where a woman who's wearing a niqab is required to take it off. One is in this situation where she's speaking to a prospective groom, to a prospective husband. And the second one is if she's in a court of law, and she's giving evidence, she is required to take off her face covering for the judge to see her face,
because facial expressions form part of the evidence process.
So please understand the law the law is meant for our benefit.
For the man if the woman refuses to take off her niqab, you are perfectly within your rights and I think that would be the sensible thing to do is to say Salam Alikum Giacomo la Ferran and go home, tell us,
you do not want to marry somebody whose face you have not seen. The reason I'm saying is that because in our Hyderabadi culture, among the many, non Muslim, many an Islamic not non Muslim, any an Islamic customs is the customer what is called Java and the Java is an arranged marriage in which the two spouses have never seen each other never spoke to each other.
The marriage was arranged by the parents of both sides, and the first time they see each other is in a mirror on after the nicaya is over. That night before the bride goes to the husband's house. They look at each other's faces, the mirror is kept like this, and they look at each other's faces. To me, the all that proves is that complete insanity of both people, please, total nonsense, and completely an Islamic. So don't let anyone force you into it. Second thing is please understand very clearly, that in Islam, the decision to marry rests 100% with the two spouses only, only only
nobody, including the father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, brother, sister, whoever have either of the spouses, the man or the woman, nobody has any right to force their relative there to force their sister, their daughter, the granddaughter to marry somebody who they have chosen for her.
Absolutely zero, right. They can recommend. That's it. They cannot force no matter how much you think that person is suitable. They cannot force you to marry. And so if you Mary, don't ever go back to somebody and say my father forced me your father did not force you. Your father tried to force you and you succumbed. And now you have to bear the brunt of it. Please don't do that to yourself.
You have the right before Allah to say no and say no, say no very clearly.
Right and no father I know will tie you hand and foot and drag you in chains to get to get married. So please, you have to you are an adult. And if you cannot take
That decision on your own, then you are unfit to be married, Please do stay alone, don't ruin somebody else's life. Right be by yourself.
Now, the reason I'm saying this arranged marriage, arranging of marriages is a good thing, because it helps you make. So also, this applies also to the, to the marriage,
you know, bureaus, and marriage, websites and so on, no matter, just read that as an introductory point.
Once you're introduced, every single decision has to be yours, which you must consciously take. Right? So please be very, very clear.
One benefit is that if your own, you know, people choose somebody for you, then the likelihood is that that somebody will be from the from a similar background, and so on and so forth. So the amount of or the number of adjustments you will need to make in your marriage will be to that extent less. And that is always good, the more adjustment adjusting you have to do, the more complicated it becomes.
But be very, very clear in your mind, that decision has to be yours. This, this includes, for example, if you are in a joint family, the spouse has to live with your family, whatnot, whatever.
Ask every single question that you need to ask, don't hold anything back right
now,
beyond this, it is not productive. And it is completely harmful for parents and family to get involved in arranging marriages, putting pressure on children to marry this one, or that one is truly idiotic, which you will invariably discover much most painfully, later to everyone's detriment and grief. So introduce introducing is a good idea. Because in the screening, leading to the introduction, you the parents can satisfy yourself about the background culture, and more importantly, the dean. But after that, stay out of the way. And if your daughter or son say No, I don't like this person, don't even ask why. Right, maybe just as an inquiry, but other than that do
not put any pressure whatsoever, it's essential to leave the prospective couple alone, to make up their own minds, no matter how much the backgrounds match, no matter that his or her parents are your childhood friends. The fact of the matter is that these two are individuals in their own right, with their own likes and dislikes.
And they need to make up their own mind and take ownership for their decision.
I have seen marriages between first cousins, which we are we are permitted to do in Islam.
first cousins from a joint family literally they lived in the same house, they grew up in the same house. The the the
parents of each of them is are related by blood, their blood brothers and sisters.
Right. Despite that, I have seen those marriages going back and going some really bad, you know, really, really, and you might say, what more similarity can there be in terms of background in terms of culture in terms of every single thing
than with a first cousin.
In Islam, we are permitted to marry first cousins, I don't think it's a great idea. But you are you are you are allowed to do that. Because genetically sometimes it creates problems later on which children whatnot. So it's better to marry somebody who's not so closely related, but I'm just saying that if you think that you know, background Oh, but this one is my childhood friend that makes no difference. These two are individuals, leave them alone, let them make up their own minds, don't put pressure on them.
If they are not going to take ownership for their decisions, then you are headed for disaster. If you interfere in your own anxiety about this great match, then you will eventually and you will actually impede their this whole process of them taking ownership. They will not record obedient sons or daughters, who in true Bollywood style, say to their parents, I will marry whomever you choose, are giving you signs of early dementia, get them checked out. Take them to a psychiatrist and say something is wrong with this one set, please check them out, may send them back to the nursery to grow up until they can learn to make up their own minds about what is perhaps the most
important decision that they will ever take in their lives.
Please,
if you don't do this, then be prepared for the same obedient son to remind you that you are responsible for the disaster that they are now presenting you with which is divorce papers.
The same obedient one will say you did this
Don't fall into that trap, please.
If that obedient son or daughter tells you, I will marry whoever you want me to marry, present them with a with a packet of diapers, tell them this is what you need, that one put on diapers, go and latch on to the nursery, and we'll send you a bottle of milk because you're not fit to be married.
My brothers sisters, in my view, anyone who is prepared, who is not prepared to decide who they want to marry, and to take responsibility for that decision is not ready to get married. As simple as that, that the wait until they are ready, instead of running and ruining someone else's life with their confusion.
Now
as question we are following the whole list of questions which people ask me, How does one may compromise? That was a question. Now my answer to that is they're not called compromises. They are called adjustments.
It is not semantics, but attitudes, that language indicates and dictates. We make compromises when we are forced to do so. Nobody loves a compromise, because
you do it when you have no other choice. So you accept it because you are stuck with it. But you will never have any good feeling about it. You don't want that in your marriage.
We make adjustments to things so that we can enjoy the more. One of the things that most young couples don't bargain for is the aspects of sharing ownership, time and privacy that marriage brings with it right
now, nobody told them about it. And they didn't think about it, when they are stars in their eyes. honeymoons are in hotels, and sharing a hotel room is different from sharing your own bedroom and your own cupboard.
Changing from A to B is a very difficult process, small things can become the cause of friction, sometimes degenerating to serious conflicts. For example,
for those of you who know MBTI, this is a TF kind of
kind of thing, where for example, some people they are so systematic that in their car and believe me, it's nothing to do with male female, right? Nothing do male and female. Some people are so systematic, that they will put everything in there covered in an exact way the shirts will be in one place the trousers will be another place the job Basa topis, the turbans and depending what you wear, right? Are you under clothing, and then under clothing, the West will be in one place and the shorts and you know, whatever the whole thing is it the closet will be organized, it will look like a museum piece. For the other person, that closet will look like something which the hurricane hit
the previous night. And you know, the only way everything is in the cloud at the moment you open it everything falls the falls down. Now, the point is that this can be the source of a huge amount of friction. Why can't do it in your claws? Why can you do this? Why must I do it? You know all of this. That is why it is very important to adjust and to give each other space. When I got married my wife in the first few weeks, she said to me, she said this to me in so many words. She said why? She said everything you refer to you say I and mine my car, my house my covered my room. My this.
I got married when I was 30.
So I had got I had lived for 30 years alone. And I was very happy living. There was nothing there's no problem with that. Unlike many of the young people today, I was not dying to get married. I was not running around hunting for a wife Alhamdulillah Allah subhanaw taala gave me a beautiful wife and we have now been married for 36 years. But the she told me in the first couple of weeks, she said everything we refer to like this is a Where do I come in?
And I hit me like a shock. I said Wow, fantastic. You know, no one ever told me that.
So then we divided up he said okay, here is this part of the cupboard is yours. This is mine. And I will keep my mouth shut. You know and you give your shot. Right?
Another big issue becomes finances.
Many times people come and say and I'm talking about people app, there are people who have come to me people in their 60s people close to 70
The wife comes to me and says my husband gives me 1000 rupees per month for my
for my expenses
What do you get 1000 rupees woman
you won't even get cat food in that money.
I'll tell you what I did it
In that very early mullet, so almost sooner or soon after we got married, I took my bank book, I handed it over to my wife wife and said, This is the bank account. This is our account.
This is a joint account. But you're welcome to have your own account if you like, well, in Islam, we do not have joint accounts, it's better to have two separate accounts. Because inheritance for for the children of their own children and others, inheritance from you. And inheritance for your wife are two different sets of inheritance. If there is a joint account that until both of them are dead, they cannot inherit, which is justice for them. So they must have, you must have to separate your property separate your bank accounts. Also in Islam, the woman is permitted to have her own money, she doesn't have to account for it, she doesn't have to tell you, the husband about it. She can earn
it, she can spend it where she wants without any problem. You on the other hand, you can earn you don't have to tell her, but you are responsible for for upkeep. Now upkeep. Remember, this
is not money you're giving her to buy potatoes. That is your household expense by the money that you need to run the house. upkeep refers to money that is given to her for her own use, which she can use wherever she wants, He can do whatever she wants with it, without reference to you. She doesn't have to ask your permission for what to do with that money. And she can give it to her parents, you can send it home she can, you know, buy
whatever she likes with it right now. Or she can save it, it's entirely up to her. But once you're giving that money to her that serves no questions asked
what I did, and this is what I recommend
to everybody sit down with your wife
and husband, both of you. But the one is earning with a booth and might remember for her to work is not necessary. It's not again, she is not required to work she is permitted if she wants to. And if if the children are there and the demand of the children are not such that they will interfere with the upbringing of the children, she's she's welcome, she can work from home, she can work she can go out to work, no problem. But she doesn't have to do that. upkeep of the family is your job is the job of the husband 100% 100%. Even if she's earning a million dollars a year, even if she's mine, she's earning 100 million a year. Still responsibility of running the house is yours. So now, best
thing to do is sit down have an adult oral conversation and say this is our
this is my money. This is how much I owe her.
Here's the bank book. Here is the checkbook. I got my wife to be of course, a also a signatory not of course, also a signatory meaning that she could sign the checks and empty the account she wants to I said this is what we have, make a budget to run the house, use the money whatever you need and whatever you want for yourself most welcome here's the account and of story
that day to this day I don't go to the bank I don't I don't touch I don't even know what there is in the bank.
And I believe I'm very happy for that Alhamdulillah and I told her if you spend all the money then we fast for the rest of the month Allah's Rhonda will give us the word
right please treat your husband and treat your wife as if they are intelligent people
one hopes they are
if they are not they will become a challenge.
But if you treat the wide usually this is the husband's issue because the husband's treat their wives as if they are you know unpaid servants May Allah protect us so she does all the work of the house and you know the houses clean and this and that whether you have servants or she does it yourself or whatever gives you hot food and blah blah whatnot whatnot, all your needs are satisfied.
And when it comes to giving her some spending money you become studios shameful is that
how shameful is that?
And you think if I if you if you give her access to the bank account, she'll spend any teacher she's been everything you think she didn't say me? Did you marry a mad woman? Or what?
Why will anyone really serious the artist question is, why would any woman spend all the money? If she spent all the money does she not know that then there is no money to pay the bills and there's no money to to to buy food and so on. So what do you think she didn't say?
Really? I mean,
sometimes when people come and come to me with these things, I asked them this direct question to the video. Did you marry a bad woman?
How do you mentioned that she she doesn't know. Teacher.
Teacher.
Trust man, if you don't even have trust between the husband and the wife, believe me you are you're not even walking on thin ice you're trying to walk on water.
You will sink and drown.
On a side note people ask me this question on my husband's phone. No, I he does not give me the password. Why do you need a password?
Why are you interested in that phone?
Why do you need to go in there? Through what?
My wife's phone has no password my phone and
she's Welcome to see all my messages. And I'm the phone is dead if I want to read all of it, I never do. And she never does either. My point is if you do not even trust your husband or wife to that extent that you are living in this business, suspicious kind of mind. I don't know who he's talking to. No, I don't know what he's doing. You don't have a marriage. You do not have a marriage.
It's better for you to take a divorce and go.
Suspicion is the worst thing. Allah subhanaw taala said the latter just Saasu
Allah in the Quran Allah writers elaborate, do not be suspicious. Do not spy.
You want to be as by goujons AI is not a marriage thing to do.
Seriously, ask yourself if you do not have trust. What what marriages that?
trust each other. Talk to each other, have conversation. Sit down, be nice to each other. Share your thoughts share your ideas. take decisions collectively,
as is the synonymous SLM. take decisions by a process of Shura maturity with each other.
Everyone says some people are neat and orderly by nature. To others any form of order is an attack on their freedom and their individuality and their free spirit. Some people are early risers. Early sleepers, others like to stay up late and they wake up late when the sun is wet in the sky. Some eat breakfast others don't.
Some are more stylish and fashion conscious than others.
Others carry their what the dog left on the doorstep look as a mark of the individuality, much to the disgust of their spouse.
Some people like surprises, some hate surprises.
Some like to take decisions, even bad ones. Others like leave options open for as long as they can get away with them.
For some the idea of relaxation, is to be alone are with the one they love all by themselves, sitting often in companionable silence. For others relaxation is to have at least five other people in the fray while managing to others on the phone.
Some people love parties, especially with are likely to meet new people, others hate parties, especially where they are likely to meet up. Some focus on the rules and regulations and the systems of things. Others see the same things in terms of feelings and emotions. All this would have been fine. If the difference was merely different, but it isn't. It is seen as the right way meaning my way, and the wrong way meaning any other way. And this conditioning is universal, culturally universal and ingrained, we all have it.
The key is to be aware of it and not allow it to trap us into destroying our relationship.
Many of these are temperament traits with which those who have we're familiar with Myers Briggs will recognize irrespective of your familiarity with the MBTI with Myers Briggs Type Indicator with a theory I'm sure you will recognize yourselves your spouse's, your family or friends. In these descriptions. The question is, what should you do about the fact that you may discover after marrying someone that they are that you married someone
very different from yourself.
Now we seem to know instinctively, that differences mean problems. And so we unconsciously play down our differences.
Before manage.
We tried to be very accommodated, forgiving and adjust to almost anything.
And we agree to almost anything because we are taken up with the physical appearance of the person. Unfortunately, this lasts all of two weeks into the marriage, then the reality of the difference kicks in and kick in is the right way to describe it. A difference in a marriage is far from intellectual. It is real in the face with you everyday. You have to deal with it, or it will create.
It's interesting to note that in many cases people actually marry others because the different temperament seems so attractive from the outside. For the one who leaves things open as long as they can the
Strong decisive nature of the spouse is the essence of marriage.
For the one who said it orderly and structured, the spontaneous effortless and spirit of the spouse is like a breath of fresh air. Sadly, in both and all similar cases, this does not last long, then the difference, then the difference becomes a source of irritation, aggravation and conflict. Happily, there is a solution, and that is to understand difference to be difference, and to consciously refuse to see it as good and bad. But remember is not easy. You have to continuously tell yourself, and when you are doing that it is painful.
But if you don't do that, the result is even more painful.
And to say this, and then to ensure that you do not criticize your spouse's different way of being or doing as long as it is not illegal or immoral, or likely to dry your good name in the mud.
I always tell people as long as he or she is not going against the Sharia is not going against Allah's law, leave them alone.
Let Them Eat, sleep, drink, eight, water, anything, let them do as long as it is not going against the law of Allah subhanaw taala. Keep that as the framework. If the spouse doesn't pray, then tell them, make them
do whatever you need to do.
If they want to, if sleeping late means that they will miss Salah No, not possible, dump a bucket of water on the head. But if it means that you have to eat breakfast alone, each.
Don't insist to say that oh, you have to come here and sit here and make my breakfast or sit and eat with me or sit and watch me know.
So as long as that difference will not land you or him or her in jail,
or in terms of the last parameter, leave it alone. Let them live the way they like to live, learn to ignore, and learn not to engage or comment on anything or react to anything.
Having said that, decided what is important to you. And that's why I say talk the talk you have with your spouse before marriage is the single most important time that you will spend with them. So ask everything.
Don't make compromises on issues of principle, explain to your spouse why you won't compromise and why his partners will respect that. But issues which are important to the other, and which you can live with changing change. Remember the point about concern for the other, it is good to remember that everything is not a test of your masculine masculinity or femininity. But giving in is something by giving in you don't lose face, you win hearts. So do it. Unless it is something that goes against your
fundamental values.
And despite let me remind you
that marrying someone with a different Aqeedah different religious perspective or religion is almost always a recipe for disaster except for people who are not committed to their own religion. In any case, in Islam, a Muslim woman is not permitted to marry anyone other than a Muslim.
She cannot marry anyone other than a Muslim, a Muslim man is permitted to marry a Christian or Jewish woman without her changing her religion. But it's an extremely bad idea to do that. Because the differences are huge. And there's no point in making her miserable and making yourself miserable in the process. The same applies as far as between Muslims, the marriage between Shia and Sunni? Is it legally valid? Yes, it is legally valid. Is it a good idea? No, it's a very bad idea.
Similarly,
people who are for example, Barelvi, who have a different perspective on dargahs, on graves on STS and what they do and what they don't do.
If you are not from the same
framework and frame frame of mind, stay far away.
Don't say no, no, no busy. I want to bring them to 13. So I will marry them and change them. That's the worst thing in the world.
To marry somebody with the idea that you will change them is a sign of your own stupidity, nothing more. And nothing else. Please, stop changing people.
If you can't live with it, don't even get into it.
It's as simple as that. Right? So if you are committed to your faith, then ensure that you marry someone who is equally committed and has the same perspective about faith as you do.
And that's why it's a very good idea to ask some frank share too.
Questions? How was that have a very frank sharing of thoughts on what is important to you. When this is happening simply listen, don't argue don't justify don't disagree. Nothing, don't try to convince, just listen respectfully. And then decide what you love, what you can live with what you can change in yourself, and what you need to talk to the other person about. Most couples, their courtship stage are too busy on appearing their best. And they get into a pretense more that has no relation to what they're really like. Acting cannot be sustained.
As the mask comes off, sooner than later with predictable results. So speak to each other, frankly, and then decide if you want to get married. During this conversation, speak clearly and tell them what are the non negotiables for you. Don't try to be politically correct, or polite, or whatever, and hide or play down things that you really feel strongly about.
Maybe it's something to do with practicing your religious beliefs, or family values, or that your mom will live with you, or that the cat shares your bed or whatever, no matter what it is, if it's important than said, that is far more positive and less painful than having a spouse discover it later, which can destroy your marriage, something may seem silly to you. But if they are important enough for the other person, then they will cause you serious trouble if you don't respect them.
Ask us Rattata to help us to
do the best that we can. As far as these things are concerned and to be pleased with you and we're pleased with
with with your marriages, I ask Allah to fill your marriages with hair and Baraka Insha Allah, may Allah subhanaw taala give you beautiful
spouses, not just beautiful by to look at but beautiful spouses in every way. And may Allah subhanaw taala then help you make that marriage, a means of hair and baraka for you in your whole life. Was Allah Allah Allah Allah will carry widely he was a we had named erotica when I mean, Salam Alikum gonna have to like a workout