Mirza Yawar Baig – Living Islam – Marriage, Making and Living it #03
AI: Summary ©
The importance of deciding whether one is ready to get married or not is emphasized, along with the importance of supportive behavior and avoiding advice. The speaker advises against matching people's beliefs and culture to their behavior and suggests finding a Muslim person to marry a woman. The importance of healthy manners, confidence, and trust in relationships is emphasized, along with the need for building a romantic connection and finding one's own happiness. The importance of respect for others and commonalities in relationships is emphasized.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa sallahu wa salam ala COVID mursaleen Muhammad Rasul Allah is Allah Allah Allah you it was ever seldom doesn't even coherent casilla mavado. My brothers and sisters, in the in our living Islam class, this is
the we continue with this series on marriage, I think this is the third one.
And today I'm going to talk to you and maybe today and maybe the next one also on
making the bunch,
meaning who should get married?
What must we look for in the spouse?
I think these are very important questions.
At least among the young men, I don't like to use the word boys because if you are a boy, then you are not ready to get married. If you are a girl, you are not ready to get married, you are ready to get married if you are a young man or young woman. And that is why it's important for you to first decide whether you are fit to be married or not. Are you capable of being married?
of getting married and have remaining in the marriage? Please understand, it's not just the physical thing it is to
enter into a relationship which Illa Mashallah is a lifelong relationship. And which can be as I mentioned before, it can be a living Jana, or a living Jana.
And whether it is a living Jana or living Jana, for you is entirely and completely and totally in your hands. It will be whatever you want to make it.
And that is the reason why it is very important to go in there with your eyes wide open.
Now, many of the young men who talk to me today it's almost standard.
They tell me chef, please make dua that I should get married. Right? So there seems to be one single thought in their mind that they want to get married.
And the law nothing wrong with that. What is her Allah is Allah, Allah and Allah, may Allah, Allah grant you beautiful spouses, who will be the cause of great happiness and tranquility, and peace and harmony in your homes.
The question is this question is how do you decide I told you decide if you are ready to get married? Now, how do you decide that there is the best criterion, the best advice is what also
told us. And he said to the young man, he said, if you are ready to get married, then get married. Because this is good for you. Instead of, you know, looking here and there, get married, and he said, if you are not ready to get married, or you're unable to get married, then isn't fast, because fasting reduces the
urge the physical urges. So
when they asked him, Well, what is the meaning of being ready to get married, he said when you are ready and capable of supporting a spouse.
Now, this is something that we will forget. And I get questions from
young men who are in, in college or just finishing high school or something
Who are you know, dying to get married and say, Oh, I want to get married. So okay, so how are you going to support your wife? You are? No I don't.
So you want your father to support your wife, right? As a man amazing. I mean, you want to marry this girl. And you're you want your father to pay for that?
Isn't that isn't that strange? Isn't that the most peculiar thing that you can think about?
I can say many funny things about it, but I'm not going to I'm going to leave you to think about your own funny things. But please understand this support means you you are marrying her, she is your responsibility, she is not somebody else's responsibility. So therefore, unless and until you are
earning enough to be able to support your wife comfortably. You are not ready to get married.
Number one, number two, let me give you some very
personal and straightforward advice. And that is that if you are ambitious, if you want a career, if you want to do something, you know,
adventurous in life, if you want to do something substantial in life, then if you
Get married, is going to put a stop to that.
And for good reason, there's nothing, there's nothing wrong with that. Because if you think that getting married means you can get married, and then you can abandon your wife in your home and you take off, you know, for long periods of time
in this or that activity, no sorry that that means you are being
you are being you're violating her right? That she should be looked after that you she did your company that physically you need to be there. And if you do that, you're violating her right. So that's not marriage.
So if you are if you get married, and if you want to be a responsible husband, and you really have no choice, because there is no choice in Islam of being an irresponsible husband. So if you want to be responsible husband, and remember, in last week's lecture, we talked about how, when you get married, you are making Allah subhanho danijela delillo, the witness for this marriage, right, and you seek your rights through Allah subhanaw taala. So therefore, you are accountable to us. So if you get married, then obviously that marriage must get your full and complete and first attention.
Everyone else and everything else, and all other relationships come thereafter.
So now what happens to your ambition, what happens to the, if you want to start a business, for example, you have to spend long hours,
you have to work you have to work. I mean, when I started my consulting practice, I was too
many times to be on the road, almost 2324 days in a month,
my wife was alone at home.
Now by then I had been married for almost 10 years.
But this is what happens. So I'm telling you, I'm not I'm not presenting myself to you as a perfect example. I'm also sharing with you some mistakes. But my point is, if I had not done that, if I had not had that kind of focus, I would not have been able to build my career.
I did my executive MBA, within one month of having been married. So after one month of marriage, my wife went off to her parents place. And I went to the I Am the news to the marriage management under one. And I stayed there bad no money. So I stayed there, the full period of the Executive MBA, and I never saw my wife. And these were the days I'm talking about 1983 and 1985. Where we didn't have social media, we didn't have Skype, we didn't have WhatsApp, Whatsapp calling or some other calling. phone call was astronomically expensive, because my wife was in England was in the UK. So an international call was was absolutely astronomically expensive. And there's no way I could do that.
So I didn't I never talked to her
for months, one month after getting married. Now, I'm not again putting this to you.
As a, you know, as an example, that you should do this, I'm just saying to you that if you if you want a career, this is the kind of sacrifice within force that you have to make and your wife has to make.
I was able to do it. As I told you, I'm not asking you to do that. I'm saying I was able to do that. But it is not something that everyone can do. What usually happens is that you have to put paid to your career
to your future aspirational goals, because you got married. And I've seen cases where later on in life, a lot of resentment has built up between the spouses, because quite unrealistically and quite unfairly. They blame each other for what happened in their lives. Although they were both responsible. So young men
and young women, if you are career oriented, and if you are serious about your career, follow that career first. And take it to some level where now you can comfortably get married, and your spouse can be with you while you pursue your career. If there is a stage in your career, where you are not able to give time to your spouse,
stay with the career and you are serious about the career stay with the career do not get married.
Right? fast. Take cold showers, put your bed into the shower, sleep there and keep the water on do what you want. But do not get married.
Don't ruin your own life and don't ruin the life of somebody else. And don't do something and then later on, you know wish you hadn't done it. That's that's a complete and total waste of time. So please don't do that. So when are you ready to go? You are you are ready to get married when you are standing firmly on your own feet, not on your mother's feet
in the heaviness of
Whatever the Allahu which is in Bihari Rosado sort of said a woman is married for four things. And this is woman also in this case, the man also a man for all these things, a woman is married for four things,
how well a family status or duty and her religion, so you should marry the religious woman, otherwise you will be a loser.
Now
the
the issue here is to think about is that nature is saying four things. Number one is married for her wealth or family status, her beauty and her religion. Now, first of all, please understand this. This does not mean that you get to swallow your wife's wealth. It does not mean that you married a wealthy woman because she's going to bring a big dowry, taking money from the woman taking money from her family in order to get married. Right, taking a dowry is haram.
It is utterly and totally shameful. It means that you have reduced yourself to the level of a Baccarat
to a billy goat who gets purchased for a reason. Right? Don't put yourself on sale. Don't do that yourself. It's utterly and totally shameful.
Now, I'm sure many of my
brothers and sisters will be wondering what I'm talking about. But in the in the Indian subcontinent.
This is the custom. And they have taken this custom from the Hindus. Where when a when a person when I'm when a man gets married, his wife brings dowry to the house. And you will be surprised the guy she has to bring gorgeous bring money, she has to bring utensils she has to bring furniture, they demand flats and apartments, they demand cars, they demand all kinds of things.
La hotel average, so utterly shameful that Muslims, for us, we have self respect. When we get married, when Muslims get married, we give presents to the wife we give presents to her father and mother. We give presents to her family to the extent that we can do that we give our man
the man is our personal properties, you can do what you want with it.
We don't take anything.
So please understand this. Never ever take don't take a single language.
Right? If you have any self respect, and if you don't have any self respect, then I then ask the the girls, the young ladies, think about that you want to marry a man who has put himself on sale. You want to but your father by the man to marry you. What kind of man is that?
So well doesn't mean this word means only she's coming from this background and so on and so forth.
Duty Of course, no problem.
Family status, of course, culture, society,
or religion. That is very, very important for us to think about.
So many of my young brothers and sisters, who are now getting ready to commit matrimony.
My advice is
six critical requirements. Right, six critical requirements. The first of them is Islam.
never marry somebody was not a Muslim. Now, please don't get confused. Many people will say Oh, but you see we are allowed to marry women of the book first and foremost a Muslim woman is not permitted to marry a non Muslim man irrespective of whether they're non Muslim man is a Christian or a Jew or or an atheist or a Hindu or a Sikh or whatever. No Muslim woman is permitted to marry in non Muslim man, period. Now Muslim men, we know they had these were resources alone permitted Muslim men to marry
women of the People of the Book which means Jews and Christians. So a Muslim man can marry a Christian woman or a Jewish woman.
But there again, please understand that that refers to a Muslim man living in a Muslim society
who wants to marry a Jewish or a Christian more who is living in depth, meaning that the overall complete influencing society and atmosphere would be strongly Muslim.
So in that case, if this person marries
This lady, the children will be Muslim, the children will go to a mother to go to the masjid, the children will be given an Islamic education and so on and so forth. Now, if there is a danger, because you are living in a country where
there is it's not a there's no Muslim society, and if there is a danger that the children might choose some other religion, and they might not be Muslims, then this, this kind of union is not possible. Number one, number two, the question I always ask people is this, why would you want to marry a Jewish or a Christian woman?
Because you love her? Right? So you fell in love with this beautiful girl, and you and you want to marry, but you know very well, and if she dies without Islam, where she's going and what's gonna happen.
So what kind of love is this, that you want to marry the woman, you want her to live with her all your life, and you don't care what happens.
So please, marry Muslims, Muslims marry Muslims,
make this into a rule for yourself. So Islam has to be the number one criteria.
So the first and foremost things to think look about look at is, does she and he what I'm seeing here applies to both spouses, do they follow the religion following the religion begins with not committing ship, not doing ship. So if you've got a husband or a wife, who wants to go to the bar guy wants to go to a Musalia or a grave and, you know,
make top of the grave or to make salad on the grave or to make dua, from on the person who is in the grip, then this is not somebody that you want to marry, please stay far away.
If you if you if your prospective bride or groom, is somebody who has all kinds of
shady customs, in the name of religion, in their families stay far away.
stay far away, please do not fall into this trap of saying I will marry them and I will change them you will not change them. They will change you.
You're not your job. Your marriage. Marriage is not a it's not a reformed school. Right. It's not a correctional facility.
Don't fall into this business of changing anybody.
Pick right.
Select the right people for the right reasons.
Start with a clean slate.
So first question, do they commit an issue? Number two? Do they pray? And by pray? I mean, pray regularly, all five prayers on time.
If it's a man, if it's the man then hopefully in the masjid.
Right, then fasting, then Zakat,
then, or
can they at least read it fluently.
It's a shame that grown men and women who are ready to get married, cannot even read or run correctly with the characters with I'm not even talking about understanding and so on. So I'm just just playing reading nazara even that they cannot do.
This is a very big ship. So don't fall into that trap. Check all these things and ask these questions.
Be very short and clear in your mind. That if you end up marrying a husband or a wife who does not pray or doesn't give charity does not pay as a God does not fast. Can't even read the Quran properly. I mean, imagine what kind of an atmosphere you're creating for your future generations. So make sure that the religion I'm talking about the very basic fundamental principles is really I'm not talking about I'm not saying your wife has to be a movie or something or I'm just gonna know.
basic fundamental questions. So in terms of religion, second thing is character.
Now, I don't know 16 seconds is character. What kind of character courage, patience, sense of honor, which is higher confidence, presence, met.
manliness, in the case of men, shyness, in the case of women, modesty, in both cases, composure, a sense of peace or harmony, comfort with silence, and not talking incessantly constantly going tech tech, tech tech, no. And then dignity. Right. And very, very important. A good sense of humor.
A good sense of humor is critical to survival
and critical to a good existence. So good sense of humor. All of these are very critical things in a marriage. Now you might say, how will you remember this whole list? Please read my book. It's called marriage, making it and living it.
Check all of these things. How will you check them? You will check them by asking you will check them by when you meet and talk. Please understand that in Islam, it is permissible for and permissible and it's also highly advisable and it is strongly recommended that you meet personally face to face, the person that you want to marry the boy and the girl. Even the girl who
wears niqab nica
to meet her prospective husband. She is permitted to take off not as permitted she is required and she is it is highly recommended for her to take off her niqab. Let him see your face. And for you to see his face. Obviously, he's not being abused or wearing any apps he will he will see his face, but let him see your face. There are two cases in which the woman who is a Nickleby is allowed and it is recommended and she is
she is permitted to take off her niqab. One is in this case where it is a prospective husband and wife prospective bride and groom who are talking to each other, about getting married to each other. In this case, remember, they're both normal. They're not married yet, yet. They are permitted to take off the niqab. They are permitted to speak to each other, they are permitted to ask each other any question they want. The only caveat is they're not permitted to go into a room secluded by themselves to do that. They must do all of this, but they must do it in a public place. Now that doesn't mean they need to be surrounded by people sitting in eavesdropping no but public place
library, restaurant some public place.
Point number three, first,
religion Islam
second
character
and in character again before I go to point number three very very important. Look for humility. Look for good manners. Believe me good manners are far more important than a good face. Good manners will last far longer than the prettiest or the most handsome face. And good manners will be
the reason for the success of your marriage and the tranquility in your home. And good marriage are the best legacy that you can give to your good manners is the best legacy that you can give to your children. So look for what matters. One of the
best places to look for good manners is to see how they treat people who are weaker than themselves. How do they speak to waiters? How do they speak to servants? How do they speak to those who
cannot do you know much for them? Right people who are in serving positions, how do they address them? How do they speak to them? If you find aggression there if you find arrogance there. Don't trust that person. Don't trust that prospective bride or groom with a bargepole. Don't go anywhere near
a person who is arrogant will be arrogant in the home as well.
Then we come to
appearance, hijab for women and beards for men.
You don't want to marry a man who looks like a woman and you don't want to marry a woman who does not
obey Allah Subhana.
Now
it is it may be confusing, because style
is important.
You don't want to there's nothing endearing about looking like something the cat threw up. Most men end up looking like their fathers and most women end up looking like their mothers. So take a good look at the father or the mother and decide because that is that is what and who you're going to be looking at every morning.
So make sure that the the person is a person of dignity and style and a person who confirms to the the principles of Islam. My mother is to say daddy
And
so meaning that your beard is like, you know, wild all over the place. No
one told us to keep a beard. He didn't tell us don't remit. He didn't tell us Don't.
Don't don't, you know, make it look nice? No, because you can do all of that. And you should do all of that make sure that your beard is, is under control, not not, not like a jungle. Now, very important. If he or she doesn't care about Allah, they don't care about what Allah said. They're not going to care about what you say.
Also in a tight spot, if they have Taqwa, it is that which will come to the aid and which will which will help them to resolve the situation. The taqwa is what is the thing which will give them strength, it is the thing which will give them sustenance, right. So it's very important that you marry a person who's Motoki. I'm not talking about an island I'm talking about taqwa.
If it is not the, the taqwa is not there to begin with, then there's a major problem. Finally, in a conflict, it is the Quran and Hadees that is your final refuge. If they don't consider that to be important, then you will be up the creek without a paddle. The beauty will wear out in a few months, at least you will start noticing it, you shouldn't, but you will. And then wealth is not yours anyway, the person will be the one who will assist you in bringing up your children. And those children will be the source of your gender agenda.
They are usado geria. They are your legacy. So if you have someone who's not committed to his or her Deen, then you are sunk, no matter how cute they look. So runaway fast. This is critical strawberry stop listening right now. Because if it is not there, the rest of it doesn't matter.
Right. So please think about that. These are very, very important things, then we have our issue of, we'll look at the issue of falling in love. Now I always say falling is never a good thing. If you fall down you get you get hurt, like love, as we know it from our romantic notions is simply another word for lust or physical attraction. It lasts usually for two weeks. Since you want your marriage to last a bit longer than that, it's a good idea to focus on respect, which will grow into love. Not falling into love, but growing into love that lasts. And that is forever so to speak. Because the more you respect, the more you
will love that person.
What does that mean growing in love, it means that 25 years after you've been married, every time you look at your spouse, you fall in love all over again.
growing in love means evolving a common language of looks of signals and words that only the two of you understand. It's almost magical receipt work. I wish it for all of those who are listening to us. That is heaven on earth. So it is respect, honor and dignity that result in love. This love is where your spouse will stand up for you and defend you or your spouse will never laugh at you in public, where your spouse will not treat you like a joke Until next
week, where this is where your spouse will be considerate of your faults and hide them and be focused on the main good things that you bring to the marriage. Believe me, nobody's perfect. You came to the marriage with your faults, and she or he came to the marriage with their faults. If you want to look at the faults, they are there. You didn't imagine them. They are there. They were there at the time you got married, even if you didn't see them, and they will be there and many will be there forever. Nothing that you do is going to change that. But at the same time if you want to look at the strengths, they brought the beauty they brought, the good things they brought, those also are
there. Right. Those also are there and therefore focus on that. Forget about the weaknesses. Anytime you see a weakness in your spouse, look at yourself, you have the same weakness, live with it.
They will treat that as something for you to gain as an art with Allah subhanaw taala forgive them and ask Allah to forgive you for that sake. Make forgiving your spouse, a means of you earning gender.
If you want to find fault, you can do that. Believe me, just as they can find fault in you. You are not perfect. They are not perfect. So don't go don't get into that. Focus on what is good and in
shala you will find also plenty of that. Now, this means that he or she will not complain about the difficulties that may happen along the way. But we will work with you to overcome them. And then they will stand in the night. And they will cry before Allah subhanho wa Taala, to ask for his intervention to help you to succeed. This is a person who will never leave your site, as long as you live, and will pray for your forgiveness when you are gone. In my experience, this is the only person who you can rely on to do that. For all others will forget, after a while, including your children, you will be very lucky
to be newly very lucky, if you have children, who will make door for you every day in the 100 after you die, those parents who have those kinds of children are the luckiest the most fortunate parents in the world.
For most people,
that doesn't happen.
And if you don't believe me, ask yourself, did you pray for your parents in damages? Today?
If you didn't do that, why do you imagine that your children will do it for you?
Right? So maybe this is also a wake up call for you. Wake up for the spray, and pray for your parents prefer grandparents,
then matters. If their religion is good, then watch how they treat their servers, their parents, other siblings watch how they speak to waiters in restaurants, drivers and other service people? Do they show kindness and concern for others? Do they have compassion? really show that respect for others? table manners are very important, as well? Do they say thank you, or Jazakallah? Or sorry? to smile often? Or do they look like you have to take them to a dentist to see their teeth? Do they laugh? What kind of jokes to they're like? All of these are very important. Now I know what you're thinking, if the religion is good, then there must automatically we go right? Wrong. Because you
know, as well as I do that today, this cannot be taken for granted. manners are critical. Because the day after your honeymoon, you're going to be at the receiving end of that. So you'd better make sure you like what you are about to receive. Kindness, concern, compassion, and a sense of you are worth their weight in gold. That is what will make your marriage and your whole a heaven on earth. And that is what if it is not there. It will make your marriage a * in on earth living *, you don't want that. Then we took that conversation. conversation is the soul of marriage. It is the lifeblood of a marriage.
What does it talk about? Remember, the ad hats are not only blonde, and red out of all types, all genders, and with or without blonde hair, and without without without any hair. And they will drive you insane. Unless of course you are one of them. Then all parties to errands fly.
Listen to them.
More than you talk because you are doing the assessment.
I'm talking about sitting and talking to your prospect and spouse. Because both of you have listened to his lecture that you're going to be in for a lot of silence.
Now when you're looking at when you're talking in conversation, look for a breadth of knowledge. Look for depth of perception, look at look for structured thinking, look for overall understanding of situations look for lots look for a logical approach, look to ask and see what do they reach? Very, very important. What do they read? What do they watch on television, they watch television or talk? What is the addiction level to social media. I know cases where marriages have actually broken up. Because the husband or the wife couldn't take their face out of Facebook.
The actual marriage of it went to divorce because of this. You don't want that to happen to you. Please understand that. So ask for author's books topics, don't make it into an interrogation. But you know, in the course of conversation,
share your own because that's the best way of asking. You say we know how have you read this? Have you read JRR Tolkien Lord of the Rings I read that when I was in school I read that much later when I was an adult trying to understand our politics because that's one of the best books to understand local politics. So think about that. And ask them and then see if they are more critical than forgiving. What is the trend of the conversation? There are some people who are constantly criticizing constantly critical, ungrateful in their when they speak. There's no gratitude in
them in their speech. That's the kind of person Run away, run like *, right?
Are they more critical than forgiving? Do they look for faults more than excuses for those faults? Which one is that? Do they talk more about problems? Or more about solutions? Do they talk about more, they talk more about material stuff, or about the ACA, when they talk about religion, and they're more critical of others are more focused on their own conduct shortcomings and need for change. There are people constantly share, you know, what is happening in this world, you know, what they were new mines going, and blah, blah, blah, or you know, how much shame they do you know, what, you know, please,
people who are critical about others will be critical of you.
And not saying you are above criticism, but you can, there's only that much of criticism that you can live with. After that it will poison your relationship. So be very clear, then see,
do they sound like they're dogmatic and bigoted and overly sold on this or that Jamaat and critical of all others? That's very important. sectarianism is a is a cancer. You don't want somebody like that you want people who are inclusive, you want people with big hearts. In other words, look to see if they are more focused towards commonalities with others, or differences. Are there more towards dividing people, or bringing people together? Please understand, conversation is the lifeblood of a marriage. Without it, you have nothing. Most couples stopped talking to one another in less than six months into the marriage, make sure that you are not one of them. And therefore, you and Phil but
for that, you need somebody who can talk, who has interest to share who respects you and you respect them. And we're interested in you and who you are interested in. And we're interested in learning from you and you are interested in learning from them. Without contradiction, your marriage is going nowhere.
I think but this will close today.
And inshallah we'll come back and look at
going forward. We'll look at what more we need to do for our session on marriage. And
I ask Allah subhanaw taala to be pleased with you and to help you
in choosing the right spouse and in living
with that right spouse, beautifully inshallah.
Allah Allah, Allah will Karim Allah He was
Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.