Kamal El-Mekki – Controlling Your Anger
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Learn how to Haman hamdu Lillah wa salatu salam, ala alihi wa sahbihi wa, ala
I'm about All right, a couple of things. So yeah, the lecture is anger actually. And then what this is according to my schedule, so I apologize and the one that I was given was going to take precedence because this is the lecture prepared. So the hide your pride will be later in Sharla.
Just as advice when you when you ask someone like sheffler a question, don't Don't call him brother, column chef, you know, someone who might look young like me call me brother, it's no problem. You know, someone else called them chef. Yeah.
All right, I usually don't like giving a lecture to,
to youth when it's right after another lecture with no break, because usually what happens,
they don't pay attention anymore. attention span drops. In the break, you want to push the reset button.
So because of so let's just start with the with two jokes is to get people to wake up a little bit. Yeah.
And of course, you know, I can recycle some of my old jokes that you haven't heard. So these are my dogs from Calgary. So they told you there was a there's a blind man standing begging. So someone comes up to me says, You know, I want to give you some money. But I'm just not sure if you're blind, you really blind or not. So is there any way you can prove it to me? So the blind man said, yeah, that's very easy. You see that red car parked over there?
The man said, Yes. He said, I don't.
All right.
The Tony, there was a guy.
There was a guy they tell you, he you know, his his mental faculties weren't 100% not very bright guy. So he was in the 10th floor of a building, he looked down, he saw a guy standing down and look look really smart. You know. So go stand. So then he goes down to the fifth floor, he looked over, the guy looked a little bigger. So then when it goes to the ground for him, he sounds like he's found the guy. So he went to him and hugged him. How are you? How's everything? The man said? Excuse me? Do you know me? He should have known you since you were this big.
That was good, too. Thank you, sir. Thank you.
All right.
All right, people.
So we're supposed to talk about anger, you know, and I'll tell you something, like sometimes when we prepare a talk like this anger, like I always asked myself,
do you care about anger? Do you really care about controlling their anger? And I don't have the answer that I'm really genuinely asking, like, do young people care? Like do people realize like, I've got a bit of an anger issue, and I probably should do something about it. Anyone really care about their anger issue in here?
Probably don't want to put your hand up. But you do. I mean, I just want to know if you care, that's all, or is it just a topic? So we feel we did something Islamic? We spoke a little bit about patience, about the shaitaan about anger, and everybody goes home and start losing their temper? Or is it like we really, really care about anger, because many youth have anger issues, and they just let it go unchecked? Like, I want to believe that there are youth who know that they've got anger issues, and they're like, you know, I need to fix this issue. Most people just admit, they have a problem, which isn't bad. If you admit it, they'll say like a I get angry, like, okay, you don't
want to do anything about it. They're just like,
you know, you watch kids when they play video games, and they lose how angry they get. Yeah, they lose it. And they want to break the controller but it's too strong for them to just like
so
are siblings fighting with one another I mean, physically fighting, they get so angry. And this jump at each other and start fighting or not two sisters meaning siblings from the same mother and father they'll fight against each other. And they actually psychologists tell you that you get angrier with your your siblings your brothers and your sisters from your your family because you you need their acceptance more so than any like if some stranger in the street something nasty to you said something nasty to you don't get that angry because you don't need the acceptance from that person. But psychological you need acceptance from your brothers, your sisters, your close family and that's
why when they disapprove of something you do, you get very angry with them.
A lot of kids get angry with their parents become very rude and say rude things, you know, sisters will say rude things to their mother, you know. And, you know, I was
basically I was in one of these cities and this mother brings her son to me, little kids like 11 or something. And she says he has
Severe anger problems, like he gets really, really angry, you know? And, and, and I was telling the kid like, Okay, do you want to fix this problem? He's like, Yeah, but I just get very angry, and he gets angry over really, really dumb things. You know, a lot of times and psychologists tell you that, that people like to feel angry, because it gives them a feeling that they're in control. So you know, things are going wrong, things are going wrong. So you just get angry, you let this girl you let that you let that guy and you feel it, you're in control of the situation. When reality really that's a false sense of control, you're not in control of anything. The situation is as is we
just got angry, yelled, and you feel that you're in control. So, you know, maybe some Sometimes kids will feel that they're in control when they're angry, and they feel it, you know, and they don't want to do anything about fixing it. You know, one way to fix anger. I know some parents will have used this, basically, a vertical drop for the child that results in collision between the father's knee and the child's tailbone. You understand. And you're beating.
Beating, drop the kid bam, knee to the tailbone. Drop him again, ma'am. knee to the tailbone. It actually works very well for anger problems.
I know you're not supposed to say these things. Be patient. No, no smack the kid. That's all right. I'll tell you. I'm one of those people tell you smack the kid. It's okay. It's okay. cures anger problems. I had an anger problem. When I was a kid. My father fixed it.
Three steps one. And then two, three, I came out of the room was like, hello.
Class took care of the problem. I'll tell you some therapy that I watched on television. Yeah.
Just kid little kid who had anger problems. This little kid was like seven or eight years old. Yeah, and just one smack and it's over, you know, but this seven, eight year old kid. And so he has an anger problem. So his parents being the good parents that they are, took him to therapy. And so they bring him in, and the therapy now is trying to get the anger out. All right. And I'm sorry, but I don't actually I'm not that I'm a psychologist. But I think but I don't agree with this whole thing of getting the anger out. That's like saying, I'm gonna get all my sleep now. So for three days, I don't have to sleep. That's not how it works. But you in three days will get half a day he will
start to feel asleep sleepy again. You know, or like saying I'm going to good shower now. Very strong scrubbing, so don't have to scrub in for take a shower for a week. No. After two days, people are gonna be like, Oh, brother, how you doing? So you can't get anger out. So you don't get angry later. Because anger happens with it as a response to situations. And so this therapist thought, let's get the anger out of this kid system like it's bottled up and then it gets comes out. So then they would bring him down and the therapist would hold the kid. And then the parents would hold the knees and the legs would all sit on the couch and grab this child. And the first first session, the
child was like, What is this? He's being grabbed, he can't get loose. So he starts to scream and get the anger out. But then they showed the second and third and fourth session. The kid just started playing the role. He would just come and lie down. And then he started looking at the doctor then he started pretending to be angry. I hate you. I hate you.
So this is the therapy now. Like I said the better system.
drop back. Drop.
Okay. Yeah, I'm all for beating kids. You know, I love that. You know, I was able to teach this kid. Yeah. And he was, uh, it just happened that he was so muddy. It was nothing according to the situation, but you know, he was just really disrupting the class and I just wanted to, you know, to hurt that kid. So, the father comes to me and I complain to the Father. This kid does this. This This was father tells me, he does that again.
Beat him. I said, Yeah. I said, Okay. I told the kid I want you to misbehave today. I want you to misbehave today. I don't want you to be a good student because I'll show you what I'll do to you. I'm going to now skip the part of what I did to this kid. Just for legal purposes. Yeah.
But you know what, I love that it's actually we have an opposite thing in Somalia. They say take the bones that to the teacher right when like probably some of you don't know this because your Canadian soil is but in the good India and back in the in the good old days in the country. You when you take the kid to school you tell the teacher to take the bones and give us the flesh What does that mean? Yeah, and the teacher can beat him break his bones. Just give us some skin at the end of the day. And incidental have the exact opposite when you drop your kid off to the teacher you say take the flesh just give us the bones yeah meaning with him with him to load the flesh is gone this bring us
bones. Alright, so enough with the cruelty Now, let's get back to our topic.
So basically what I was trying to say is that you know, you know a lot of kids are rude to the parents. They don't want to fix this anger issue. They you know, they
They kind of accept the situation, they may, they might feel in control that, that they're angry, and so on.
So we're going to talk about different types of anger. But I want to start by talking about what's so bad about anger, right? The bad thing about it is that you lose control. When you're angry, you lose control, and you lose control of what you say and what you do. So you say things that you later on regret, you know, you might hit people, or insult them say very hurtful things to them. I've known many people who will beat their like younger brother or sister and then later on, they'll, they'll cry when they realize what they did. Notice what I said, realize what they did. It's as if there were a different person, they go into this cloud of anger, and they don't know what they're
doing anymore. And they just beat people senselessly. And then later on, they realize that what I did was wrong when they it's like another person now. It's kind of like Dr. Bruce Banner, right? He becomes the Hulk, destroys things beats people up, then later on, you know what happened, and he's all skiing and tired. And same thing. You know, a lot of you in here, you're like the Hulk, you know, you go and you get angry, you turn green, you beat people up, then if later on, you're like, what happened? They have to show you a video of what you did to people. Because you forgot. So you lose control when you get angry. Alright. And it's also interesting, they say what happens to you?
Like,
physically? Your when you get angry, your heart rate increases? Why does your heart rate increase? Your body's getting ready to move? And your adrenaline also level, that level of adrenaline create increases in your blood? And there is an increase of the blood flow to the hands? Isn't that interesting? When you get angry? All those things that I mentioned, and the blood flow increases to the hands? Why
can you hear the smack people? Yeah, as your body's getting physically ready for the for the outcome, and even your body knows the the results of anger that you're gonna have to move. So your heartbeat starts increasing, and blood flow starts going to enhance. So they become bigger, like the hooks, right, and you're ready to hit somebody, this is a problem now. So your body gets ready to physically hit people, and you lose your mental faculties in a sense. So this is a recipe for disaster, this is a very bad thing. And they also told you that it causes the loss in elect yourself monitoring capacity, what does that mean, and your ability to control yourself or to monitor what
you're saying what's happening. And that's where you find many people to get upset, they get very angry, and they you know, they divorce their wives, they say all kinds of things when they're angry, because they can control it. And Islam even realizes that they can control it. And that's why, you know, in cases of extreme anger, the man will if he says to his wife, he divorced you, it's not counted. Because the Islam knows that people get into that state where they don't know what they're saying. Okay, so what do you learn to be angry from, you know, a lot of kids just learning from their parents, you know, they just see the father all day, you know, turning green and getting angry
and yelling and throwing things. So the kid becomes like that. And then he gets angry, see him throw something and smash things, because he learned it from his father, if it's the father, or you can also learn from your friends and maybe they learned from their father, or that you learned from television, you know, and how many times do you see in television and in the movie, you know, the the good guy, right? The protagonist, he's, he's on the floor, they're beating him up, then he remembers something that makes him angry. And I don't know if life works like that. For people kicking you, you're on the floor, then you remember when you used to run in the meadows, and then
you had a small puppy, then somebody killed the puppy, and then you go back to the fight and you get angry, and you just get up and you beat up all four of them. And so what the message you get is like, oh, man, anger fix a situation here. You know, always you see the guy getting beat up in the kung fu movie, the guy getting beat up, then he remembers something. Yeah. Then he gets up. And he starts beating the other guy. What is this? So we'll get we get to see positive things happening from anger, you get angry, get yourself out of a situation. The music swells up, you know, the hair blows and the guy that like wind blows in his hair, he like Oh, come on, beats the guy up. So he's
like, well, anger man anger fixes things. So then you go to the playground, the bullies trying to push you around you like, you remember the movie was last night like, come on and knocks you out. So
the reality is, you know, you get upset, you lose your temporary something bad happens to cops haul you off to jail, and nothing like the movie.
But you know, people this is the image that they have of what a male is, and I've probably spoken about this before that they they and most people even in the audience now and then because we grew up here, you feel that the male is the one you know who is tough. You know, he's aggressive. He's strong. You know, he gets angry. This is what I'm
Male is these are the characteristics of a male. And that's why when you see youth, you know, in school and stuff, you'll find them just acting tough and saying rude things to each other and threatening each other. Because they think this is what a male is, like. Many Muslims are like this even good practicing Muslim, just the other day, this Muslim was telling me about how the Sahaba were and look at how he described them. He said, You know, when I look at the lives of the Sahaba, you know, you see that they were tough, you know, they were physically strong, that they would go to battle to do it prepare for warfare, that they had swords in the house. So he's saying, No, this is
how this According to him, this is a man play badly, but you forgot so many other things about the Sahaba. They were also very gentle. They were excellent worshippers that they would cry hours, they would cry, even if they see you know, a bad situation occurring to someone, they were very gentle with their wives, it was nice with their children, you forgot all this stuff, you just focus on the aggressive part because that's what the media teaches you what a male is that the male is always aggressive. Or the male reacts by getting angry. The mill fixes things with his fist, you know, punch someone in the mouth, you know, punch someone in the eye. That's how you do it. You take care
of things. And a lot of us right here are affected with this thug mentality. Right? Everybody's a tough guy, right? So he got punched in the mouth. And it's different. But everybody's a tough guy. I'm telling you, and you know, again, you see every conference every huddle when it comes I say this need to stop acting like thugs. People will come to me in the braver
Aren't you a tough guy?
So if you're not going to smile, let's not even shake hands. How about that? That's the deal. What is this? What do you think? I'm like wearing opposite gang colors from you or something, come frowning at me. Relax. It's not how it is. But that's what people think a male is. They think you need to be strong is to be mailed to the prophet SAW. Selim tells us something about strength and anger. He said lays a shadow, the surah. The strong one isn't the one who can like out wrestle other people isn't the one who can strike people. That's easy, actually. So what is the strong person according to the prophets of the
law, while he was
the strong person here is the one who can control his anger. The strong one is the one who controls his anger. So those of you who can't control your anger, you are not strong. I'm sorry. Even if you were these thugs, things and, you know, gloves that are cut off here and sunglasses and you do your hair like you're not strong. The strong one is the one who controls his anger. And people can lose their temper. That's very easy. It takes someone with a lot of control Everybody with me?
Mm hmm. See what happens when you have a lecture right after the other people get bored. You want to hit the mute button so I could shut up, or the reset button. Sisters, I don't know what's so important. Listen to what I'm saying, Please, stop talking.
So
a man came to the Prophet sallallahu sallam. So we already learned what that strong guy is not the one who wrestles people or hits people are physically the strong one is the one who contains his temper. A man came to the Providence alum, he said, advise me give me advice, and tells him law talk about he asked him again, give me advice at law, Bob, do not get angry and control your temper Do not get angry. This was the advice of the Prophet sallallahu sallam. There's also another Hadith that shows you the reward for controlling your temper. So sisters pay attention to this Hadith, please.
The prophet SAW Selim said whoever controls his anger, while he's able to react while he's able to react doesn't mean like the school bully comes, takes his lunch money pushes you in the face. And he's like, I'm controlling my anger. Now you're actually here you There's nothing you can do here because he's much bigger and you're small and so on.
But
what it means is that you're able to react, you can do something about it, but you control your anger doesn't mean that you you're dealt with unjustly here, but you have a situation where you can control your temper, and you control it. Now you have to get a great reward. Right?
So it says on the Day of Judgment. The problem is on the Day of Judgment, Allah will call him in front of everyone to get first pick at home for Elaine.
Good man, I see you smiling. Excellent. I just saw teeth in the dark there. Excellent. You know,
just kidding.
Now I said pay attention to the Hadith sisters because the Hadith is in this situation mentioning the reward a man will get for keeping his temper. Now if we don't have a hadith that mentions the reward a woman gets Does that mean you don't get a reward from your Lord honey? Well lies at one time I was saying this hadith there was a sister in the back she has like smirking attitude. And you think a lot of your Lord will be unfair to you that a man controls his temper he gets reward, but a woman doesn't get reward. So even if they're
Isn't Hadid mentioning it? No, for sure, for sure. How could you think Alo wouldn't give you a reward. So even if resistors, then whatever you do, and you control your temper, you will get your reward from Allah. But this specific Hadid, the process of them is mentioning the reward for the man. So a number of things about the Hadith. First of all, you see, the reward is great. And whenever the reward is great, that means the thing being done was great. So to control your temper is not easy. People, you got to put effort into it. So because the man controlled his anger here and his temper, he could have reacted, but he didn't. On the day of judgment, notice he'll be cold in
front of people to pick. So who'd be like, you come here? Who unlike? You come over here? Oh, yeah, baby, come over here. Hey, it's, it's all held back. I mean, at that point, right. So it's all good.
And everyone else would be jealous. Like, don't pick that one. I wanted that one. Man. Why are you pick that one?
You in the back of not? Not you the one next to you.
So?
No, so notice, he's called in front of everybody. Why is he called in front of everybody? Because even if you're getting a good reward, or an award, when it's done in front of people, it makes it better. I Brooks Brothers You with me?
Yeah, thank you. So it makes it better when you given your rewards in front of people. So tell me now, which is better that, you know, for example, your school principal calls you into his office, and it gives you this nice plaque, you know, with your name and gold letters and nice wood and polishes like you know, we don't want to give you this because you have very good behavior, he gives it to you in his office, and you just go home with it. Or you think it might be the same prize, but greater if he calls you in the auditorium in front of the whole school. And he calls you know, come in front of everybody. And he gives you this reward to find everybody which is greater.
And no doubt the second one in front of people is greater. So the the person will be called in front of people to make the reward even greater, and he's gonna get his first pick. I'll do it one more time, because I know you want to see it. You come on over there. Yeah, baby.
All right.
So this is a great reward you get for controlling your temper. You know, there's the kinds of anger where you also look back at something and it gets it makes you angry, you look back at an incident. That's something that happened in your life. So for example, you know, something, whatever it is a bad event or something that happened to you something injustice that was done to you. So every time you look back, you start to get angry, and constantly remind yourself when that happened, and you stay miserable and constantly angry because of that thing. So here they tell you. You know, first of all, why would you look at a few, a few moments in the past? And it could have been five or six or
three years ago? What would you look at something that happened in a few moments in the past, and just keep yourself constantly angry, present, and future because of a few minutes that happened in the past? So they tell you to ask yourself, you know, will your anger today change anything that happened? And it already happened? The milk was already spilled? Is it going to help you if today you keep getting angry because of something that happened in the past? will it bring anything back? Is there any benefit to you just looking back and staying angry? will it bring anything back? Or so instead, they told you think about how you could prevent something like this happening again in the
future, or how you could probably react correctly. Next time if this happens in the future, but don't keep looking back at events that happen, whether it's in your childhood, whether it's abuse, and just keep hanging on to them and making your present and future life miserable because of something in the past deal with it in a better way. Yeah. And so this is the type of anger that you shouldn't keep bottled up and just deal with it and ask yourself these questions. And does it help me now to stay angry because of this incident? That happened a long time ago. And then of course, there's the the anger. So this is anger related to a past event, then there's the anger related to
something that happened now or is about to happen or a reaction to something.
And here we have some remedies from the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam, and some as we go over them, a lot of you might know them. And so if you know them, act upon them, okay? If you know them, act upon them, what is the value of the process, I'm telling you something, and you know it, and it's the remedy to a situation, then you get into the situation and you don't use it? It doesn't make any sense, right? It's just like any skill you get in this life, or any amount of knowledge, you get it so you can use it. And the guy studies surgery for years and years and years. Then they bring a guy in front of him. He's like, Okay, what should I do now, you will use what you learned, right? You
learn whatever kind of skill in driving in what kind of situation you get into a dangerous situation. use that skill, use that knowledge to get out of the bad situation. So you learn this from the prophet SAW Selim. Do something
about it, do something about it. Many people like to keep their anger unchecked because like I said, it makes them feel that they're in control. You know, this starts going bad he starts yelling and this and he feels like okay took care of the situation. You didn't you lost control now you didn't control the situation. So
the profits or the loss of them walked by two men who were angry at each other and one of them his veins were popping, he was getting very angry. So the President said that there was something that he if he said it, it would take away that anger. What was that?
Either Billahi min ash shaytani r Rajim seek refuge with Allah from the Shaitaan because he what's one of his things is to cause problems between people to get you angry at this person and get that person angry with you to the point where in the end it ends with fighting or killing or bloodshed or whatever it is. So that's one of his jobs to causes issues between if his job is to cause a problem between you and your own wife, what do you think about you and just some stranger or someone you barely know? He's gonna try to cause problems as well. So seek refuge with Allah from the Shaitaan that's one thing so next time you get angry do that you know you're playing a video game you get
shot
try it I mean, why did the problem give us this remedy? Why are we all gathered here listening to a lecture to know a remedy not use it so when you get angry do that say oh the gym the president seldom said also you one thing you can perform is
will do so he's somebody you know that so but how many people have ever done that here got really angry and then you went and made we'll do want to see here
Okay, three people
and one sister
three people on one system but most of us probably probably more than four people in the room knew this lady you get angry you make will do process lm said that the water will do it puts out the like your anger the same way water puts out fire will do puts out your anger the same way water puts out fire. So we know this. Do it. Do it. I remember one time I was so mad I made twice.
Yeah, let's do it. Put it out. Better than knocking someone out. Right? Tough Guys. Whatever. So one out of alignment Astana regime to you make will do it helps three something else across alum said to us and then later on, we find psychologists say the same thing. And it said that when we find the psychologists will say something.
Okay,
so then we're like, oh, wow. But most of them said it 1400 years before. So the other thing you do is you change your position. The problem said if you get angry, if you're standing, sit down, if you're sitting
lay down, stand up. Simon says avoid. If you're sitting you lie down, if you're lying down,
go to sleep. Thank you. There's nothing beyond that. Right? So but the problem is saying change your physical position and supplemental law. Now psychologists say the same thing. Even they say if someone's being stubborn or rude or anything, get them to just move from one place and sit at another place. Because changing your physical body position helps change your mental condition as well. And there's a big link between the physical condition and the mental position are the other way around. Because we you know, and you know that from salah and from other things that the position you're in helps you get into that state. So you've changed your physical position as advice
given by the province, etc. So it's the other will do changing your position moving from one place to another or sitting instead of standing and then lying down in front of City and then that will decrease your chances of springing into action. Right? Because it's easier to you know, the backhand can flow easily if you're standing a little bit more difficult if you're sitting a lot more difficult if you're lying down correct.
And then also to remember Allah azza wa jal now realistically, who does this? Yeah, but it works but but who does it? But as a point here when someone is extremely irate, don't keep telling them while they're angry and yelling and cursing. Don't keep doing it. Remember? remember Allah remember Allah were there yelling and cursing remember Allah What do you think might happen?
What do you think might happen?
They might curse Allah Yeah. So it's good to see what if someone's extremely angry and just keep saying remember Laura and blah he might just curse so you use your but you didn't for yourself use that you know make dhikr of Allah Subhana Allah
okay, because the time is out I'm going to mention the type of
of anger that is allowed Is there any time when it's allowed to be angry?
numb for
Uh huh. For the sake of Allah azza wa jal, right. So if you're walking by and you see in the street and then you see some some guff or pull a sister's hijab off Don't say no, the possum said lotto
Don't get angry. Now. You
Become my friend. Now here you can get angry, you know, and do all that stuff in the movie in
and the wind will blow in your hair and take off to sunglass, all that stuff now you can do it Mashallah I like, now you can be the thug. People in the thug. People are thugs at the wrong time. Now you'll be the thug. You know, you do all that thug stuff. Take, man. Take your thing off and come in the guy's face get all up in his face, as they say, you know, and ask him those constant ridiculous questions, questions. What's up? What's up? What's up? You know, all that stuff that you guys know, you don't need to learn this from me. You know, it's, you know what to do. Right? So now you can get angry someone until it surprises me Don't say no. Islam tells us to get angry now. Yeah.
So the processor, how dare you? Yeah. So this is when it's for the sake of luck. So good, as they say, just you know, React within any that allowed. And then the last thing quickly, I want to say Do not be angry, any with your brother, or your sister with the sister for more than three days. So you're supposed to not stay angry with your brother for more than three days. So then at that point, you go and you make friends. And the best of you is the one who
will go and reach out to the other first. So people look, we don't want to just gather around here, tell jokes and talk about something and then nobody acts upon it. You know, if you got a temper problem, you better control it, okay? It's gonna ruin your life. It's going to get you in trouble. It's going to ruin your relationship with other people with your parents, and it's going to carry on to your children work on it, people. It's not that difficult. We know we mentioned some remedies. And one of the most important things before even the start of a will do the changing position, the dhikr of Allah is to just not let yourself get angry and you can learn that. All right, and I know
people who are like that, so lahoma Baraka, Mohammed, Jacques Locarno, Salam Alikum to lower cut