Marriage with Ibraheem Menk & Adnaan Menk.
In this discussion we spoke about how to look for a spouse and some other issues.
Ibraheem Menk – InstaLIVE #6
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the benefits of marriage, including gaining income and money, finding a perfect spouse, avoiding double-stuffing, finding a partner, and finding one's own space. They stress the importance of deep and beautiful qualities in marriage, avoiding double-stuffing, and balancing personal behavior. They also emphasize the need to be open with each other and communicate with each other to avoid conflict, avoid shyness, and pursue one's own values.
AI: Summary ©
salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. We just waiting for him to join the live and all the others. Even in lead today, we want to speak about marriage, maybe a little bit about how a person chooses a spouse what alternatives they have when it comes to marriage or what's thrown out there.
And also the beginning stages of marriage and some of the problems people may face so inshallah we will discuss all that, even in LA.
salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah. What I can't lolly como, salam o. Allah, Who about a cat.
You can't see me again, right?
No, we can't see you.
Hello, Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.
You were saying that we wanted to speak about marriage today. I think there's a there's quite a lot we could speak about when it comes to marriage before marriage, choosing your spouse during marriage, especially the first stages, and some of the problems people may face. So I think you could maybe give us a few of the points we would like to start off with.
Yes, I was. Actually this idea came from someone who had sent me a direct message. I can't remember exactly, exactly who it was. And they were saying basically, that you when you want to get married, you know, islamically? How do you find a spouse? So what would we be the way the right way to go about it? And I thought that's a valid question that we can address today, inshallah.
Allah, I think,
when it comes to this topic, obviously, there's a lot of advice that can be given. And you don't always need to get a get advice from a sheriff or somebody of that nature, sometimes you can get advice. And in fact, I found that you will get the best advice with people who are used to dealing with issues in marriage, people who are counselors, because they've dealt with so many people. Sometimes it is a trend that's going on, maybe people are suffering due to social media, what is harm due to that, they will be able to advise you better. So I think when it comes to that, obviously, people are from different countries, different places with different traditions,
cultures, and knowns.
Yes, so. So as long as the norms and culture tradition doesn't go against Islam, then it wouldn't be wrong for a person to follow that. So they can go to the elders or whatever, whatever the system is, as long as it doesn't go against Islam in order to find a spouse you can go, you know, through those traditions.
Yes, most definitely. you benefit from those who are older than you, those who those who have experienced, those who may have dealt with people's cases, sometimes you may not know of certain things, especially if you, you know, if your mind's already fixed on getting married, you may only see the roses and the glitz and the glamour, but you don't know what you're getting yourself into. So it's always important to ask other people's advice.
Yes, you know, today, there's a lot of apps out there. So that are encouraging people to meet online, etc. Would something like that be allowed? Or, you know, is there any, you know, okay, we don't just spoke we speak about specific platforms. But are there any general guidelines that a person can follow when trying to use these apps that get people together, etc?
I think there are other scholars who have probably spoken about it. I've never used them. I've never seen them. So I wouldn't know how they work. But I think you should ask somebody else. But nonetheless, whatever is how long will remain HOW LONG AS FOR sometimes people, they try through * to do things. And I think that will depend from platform to platform. And I think scholars will know about that would be more knowledgeable to speak on that topic instead of myself.
You Yes, yes. Well, I use some some apps that I've heard of are just, you know, out there to actually spread a lot of fitna and facade. And the general idea is to gain a lot of income and money from this app. So they go out there and they know people are interested in something like this. So they put it out there and people get on to it. And they really make a lot of money out of it. Now, not to say that they aren't some that are doing well as well, and doing trying to do the right thing. But like you said it differs from app to app and website, website, etc.
Most definitely, I think, obviously a starting point wherever you starting wherever you are, when somebody wants to get married, whether they're bored.
A young man, young woman is an older person. I think, whatever it may be, obviously your intention. Firstly, you want to do something that is hard. You want to do something that your Creator has ordered you to do. And he's ordered you to live together to basically live in Hillel. So if somebody is, for example, living a normal life, and he wants to go to the next stage, then obviously doing his research or whatever we may say, or asking advice, then he can carry on as for somebody who is in how long I think we have to
speak about reality on the ground, somebody who is in Harlem
if they, you know, you really want to get married to somebody, it's about time you try to make it Hello. And if it's not possible, then you've tried all means, then leave it and the last panel hautala will give you something that is better.
Yes, Romania, tequila Hydra Allahu Maharaja. While also combing Hayfield, I see that the one who's conscious of Allah subhanho wa Taala alone, open his doors and grant him sustenance, which can come in the form of a spouse from a place that he cannot imagine. And this is where a lot of people tend to give up hope at times, they've been looking for two years, three years, five years, and they don't find someone they feel like now I can go down the wrong path in order to find someone. But Allah subhanho wa Taala will most definitely provide for you. Perhaps it was just one month or two months before you found someone and then you decided, you know, in a halal manner and you decided to
do it the wrong way. So Allah subhanho wa Taala snatches the burqa or takes the Baraka out of that. So I think we need to really emphasize that because especially when getting married, someone really wants to get married immediately. And they expect it to happen tomorrow. It may, it may happen in that way. But a lot of times you've got to wait and go through the process, see different people. And then at the end of the day, you find someone who is compatible and suitable.
Most definitely, and I think that one of the things that helps the most is obviously your door up, do not underestimate any value make for any door that somebody else makes for you. You know, I give you an example. It was somebody I know who was in Turkey, they were sitting with a few friends and one of them said that okay, when you getting married, another guy Sidra will see maybe inshallah, inshallah I said, No, inshallah, after this holidays, you'll get married, he said, You will get married. And he said, so the guy responded, and he said, No, we'll see each other I said, No, say I mean believe it is basically have full conviction, say, I mean, and this person may do it for him.
And believe it or not, after the holidays, that person got married.
Law, he will let him do it is indeed powerful. Allah subhana wa tada can grant you immediately from way, even that which you want exactly what you want, you can find, because Allah subhanho wa Taala, indeed, is most capable. You know, I think a lot of people find themselves looking for a perfect spouse, and they look for someone who has all the qualities that they want, and they keep waiting, for example, they found may not have Tim but he wants 10 out of 10. It doesn't work that way. And I think that's what we need to focus on. Also, today we this, you need to give and take, you can't just take all the time Allah Subhana Allah to Allah, if that had been the case, perhaps we would
have been in gender, you know, and people would be actually getting exactly what they want.
Most definitely, I think people don't realize, especially when you're not living with somebody, you might think that it's only with this person, my life will be perfect, or I'm waiting for the perfect person to come along. The perfect person does not come along in sha Allah, Allah, Allah Subhana, which Allah has decreed that for you, but even when we look at the seal of Rasulullah, sallAllahu, alayhi wasallam. When we find when we look at his house, when we study his marriage, we find that at times, they were misunderstandings that also occurred in the house of Prophet with the house of noble one. And they were ways which also lost a lot, right, he was dealt with these
misunderstandings.
To what extent can we meet and interact before we get married? So a lot of people today go out, they have dates together, and then they decide whether they want to get married or not. Now, we know that there's an Islamic way of doing this. How would that be?
Obviously you would have to go through the right channels. Allah subhana wa Taala, even though this verse, he's speaking to the Arab, he says, What will you tell me in Abu Dhabi have basically when you go into your houses instead of going through the site, into through the door, so in the same way, if you want to get married to somebody go through the right
channels you need to speak to their family, they Guardian those who are the family, basically. And you approach them and you speak or you, you know, you mentioned what you've come for.
Yes, yes, yes, sir. I think in two in today's world, a lot of people actually do go through those means, but eventually even the parents allow them because of change of culture and tradition, that parents encourage them to go out together on a traditional date. And they'll then meet with each other and sit and discuss and, you know, perhaps hold hands even touch each other. I think that's where a little bit more clarity, we can give them a little bit more clarity to tell them that, you know, it would be wrong for you islamically to hold a stranger's hand and to go out in you know, and be in seclusion with them, or to to to go out on a date in the manner that the people of other
faiths and religions do and have no problem with.
Yes, as you mentioned, halwa, basically, you and her, were you and him being alone. If you went to the house and you're sitting with Father, the family, the brothers, you ask your questions, you she asks her questions, maybe you need more than one meeting. Maybe they call you for dinner to speak to you. But as you mentioned, when it comes to sitting alone with somebody as Rasulullah salallahu alayhi. wasallam says in the Hadith, that there is no man and a woman who are together alone, and they are not Muhammad's except shaytan is the third one with them.
Yes, and after the engagement as well, I think it's important for people to know that, you know, once you you're engaged, it doesn't mean that you're married. So an engagement is literally a commitment to say that I'm going to marry this person and this person is going to marry me. But at the same time, we should make sure that we don't take it beyond the limits of Sharia. So people go out together and end up at times, impregnating The, the the woman, so she is now pregnant and they are rushing to get the marriage get, you know, done so that they are not ashamed in front in front of others. Whereas Allah subhanho wa Taala has protected you from all of that and told you not to do
this until you are you have unica done. And I have one small suggestion for this. And that is, people should get married as soon as possible when they're interested in each other. Trying to do that to do Nika, get it done. Then if you guys want to go out, you want to meet you, you know, you want to travel together, it will happen. Doo doo, doo nica, make sure all the conditions of the Nika have been fulfilled. And the pillars of the nickel have been fulfilled, and then you you're good to go. But unfortunately, shaytan actually comes and tells him you've got to have a big, you know, nikka and a big do, etc. And they end up doing heroin.
Most definitely, as you mentioned, the unnecessary delay of Nika is causes problems. Sometimes people want to wait for the whole family, especially if the family is big spread out all over the world. And not everybody can make it an on the state and the state. And the actual mccahon wedding ends up being delayed for one year and two years for nothing. Somebody speaking about akademika I think we on that point, basically, to show him the engagement now where we come from where people speak English,
the engagement, we know, people have decided that I want to get married to him and he wants to get married to me, but they haven't yet given their word or their act, or act has not been written or lenica has not been carried out. However, in some cultures or some societies, what they refer to as the engagement is actually the act.
So the act is basically when you are offered the woman and you say to the bride, and you say I accept.
That's interesting, that's interesting. I actually was not fully aware of that. So that's very interesting, actually, to to learn other cultures and ways of things.
Here we are in the Middle East. A lot of the times what we find is that the act is already written down. So this in Egypt, a couple, the person has been asked, Do you want to marry this woman that we are giving her and he accepts that hereafter then they wait for the wedding. So what's your Lana nica? Maybe it takes a little while 234 months, one year, but that has already been completed. So with us we what would we say we would say they engaged but in actual fact the act is completed. In other in other societies it differs.
Yes, yes, yes. Someone was asking a question here. Perhaps we could go through it ideal qualities to look for in a spouse and what qualities I should be should I be developing
Think,
as the hadith of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says, when you get married, obviously this, there's many things you can look at. The most important is your deep, the most important is deep. And if you marry a person who has been, and they may be lacking in a few other qualities, you know, they can always build those qualities, even Dean, let's say a person is 70, or 80%. He's at least reading all his Salah, and he wants to get better, slowly, he will build and he will improve be vanilla, but the main or the main thing you look at firstly is Dean, it's not going to be perfect, whether it's Dean, whether it's dunya, whatever it may be, but you will have to grow together.
Yes, I mean, today's world, you know, Shekinah sorry, I don't know if you're speaking because it seems to have cut. Okay, you're so sorry, my internet connection is bad. You know, in today's world, basically, you have a situation where people go out and they get to know each other. And whether they go out or not, you know, they meet on the phone, and they really get to know each other and they begin to love one another and then want to get married. Now, you know, I think that such a situation, they're actually painting false pictures of who they are to each other. Because you don't really know that person, you just getting to know the good qualities that they have. And then all of
a sudden you get married to that person you living with them. 24 seven, you see that they've got so many defects and problems also. And now it becomes a serious issue. So would there be any, could you add anything on to that? Most definitely. And when you are in haraam shape and beautifies things which are Haram, then once you want to make it halal, he leaves and that beautification also goes with it. Remember, if you want to start anything you want to start in life, try and start it correctly. And, you know, use the channels that are available the channels, the correct channels, basically.
And once you once you married as well,
you know, people tend to look at other relationships and start to compare this to other couples. And in today's world, on Instagram, that happens a lot, you know, people who are well, not necessarily Instagram, but all these social media apps that are out there. You've got couples goals, you know, hashtag couples goals, and then they put a couple there with a beautiful picture of a background. And people see this, and then they aspire to those couples goals. So I think that that's not something that we should be doing.
Yes, obviously, you your life should not be built on likes and followers and you know, a fake life or trying to portray a picture of yourself that you are not or trying or even believing for a second that everybody else was showing their lives to be perfect. When you believe it's perfect.
That's the step that could be said is that is
not logical. That is foolish to say the least, everybody has their problems, you don't know what people are going through. Somebody may have the best picture on holiday, they may show you the beach, or whatever they may show you. But you don't know what's going on there. So and another point to mention is sometimes when we show too much of our own lives, is jealousy. And sometimes people actually try to bring down to bring your downfall.
So I think we
celebrate him I think we have lost you.
Maybe if somebody in the chat has gotten anything else whilst we wait for sure to buy him You can mention. So there's a lot that could be said about marriage, especially when people show their lives on social media. What exactly are you showing your life for? Sometimes, you may just want to
have something that you may have you may
we wait for him to join once again. So
how do you stay patient while being single and trying to find a spouse obviously, first, they make you out, then go through the right channels and don't carry on thinking that you're
whose sound has been lost. Don't carry on thinking that the only thing that you need in life currently is marriage. And if you're not, if you don't get married, your whole life will come to an end. And
basically you become depressed. Oh, there's a lot more to life.
Then marriage.
Yes. Can Can you hear me now? Yes.
Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah. So, yes, we were talking about marriage and SubhanAllah. I think that this is a topic that's so vast that we can continue talking about it for a very long, long time. People are discontent with what they have, because they've seen other people's relationships, like we were talking about couples goals, and you know, hashtag couples goals. And you've got that, and people are saying, This is what I need to be. Whereas what you have is something is real. What you see on different social media apps is not necessarily real original, it may be just a fraction of what they experienced through through their lives. In fact, you know, I was recently talking about
marriage. And I said to the people that maybe straight after they took that picture, they were at each other's throats fighting each other, you don't know. And, you know, they just took that picture for the sake of the social media apps, etc. And unfortunately, you have yourself then comparing your relationship to that one, and you become discontented yours. I think Shaban has a big role to play in all of this. Because ultimately, this is one of his main goals, to to break up a marriage. Most definitely. And wherever you are, whoever you may be, shaytan will come to you and he comes to you in different ways. So I think there's a debate going on about marriage, somebody saying about in the
comments about marriage being not everything that is saying is half of your deen when you have cut off, we were speaking about if somebody is worried about getting married, you know, they have a lot of stress. I need to get married, I need to get married, and they haven't found anybody or nobody has come. What would you say to such a person? I had mentioned that, yes, you try your best, but marriage is not everything. Let's say you're not married and nobody's come yet or you haven't found somebody carry on with your life don't sit in depression is a lot more to life than marriage.
Absolutely. 100% I was actually reading about this today. And I heard I was I was thinking that, you know, why do people think that if I'm not married, then I'm not happy, you can be happy whilst you are single. And you should try to aspire to be happy whilst you're single. Because ultimately, I think this goes back to a lack in faith in Allah subhanho wa Taala. So a person's heart is empty, because they don't have a companion to share their lives with yet they have Allah subhanho wa Taala. So if they were to fill the hearts with the remembrance of Allah subhanho wa Taala, then no matter whether they married or they're not married, they'd be happy knowing that they have a connection to
their maker. Yes, definitely. We all want someone to share our lives with we all want someone that table next to us, whom we can count on, etc. But that is only one aspect of life. It's not everything in your life. So don't make it you do all and you know, be all
because without insane you clubs, your whole life collapses. Most definitely. Especially if you've tried and you've looked and you've tried your best, then after that, you leave it in the hands of Allah still trying but your life shouldn't stop. Sure What happens sometimes when people get married. And obviously there's a lot of enjoyment, excitement. And we find especially today because of the world we live in the social media, people haven't really experienced real life before marriage. So they used to live in, as we mentioned, just on social media, looking at life through the lens of somebody else, then they eventually get dropped into real life. And we find like the
divorce rate in the first month, the first year is sky high. What would you have to say to people who are newly married? What advice would you give to them?
You know, I've personally been coming to the conclusion that all these apps social media apps is so much that's detrimental to a person and a well being, you know, that it's a lot more detrimental to a person's mental and emotional well being, then it is beneficial. So generally, if you can cut your time down to a few hours a day in which you will sit and catch up on that which is beneficial. And then get off it completely because it's like a drug, you know, you put up something, you want to see how many likes they've been. You want to see how many followers you've got, it becomes a drug. And interestingly, I was reading how it actually raises dopamine levels in your mind, which has to do
with which has to do with drugs as well. A person takes drugs that dopamine dopamine level shoots up and then they need more and more of that in order to keep
themselves high, get themselves high. So if it's doing if it's having the same action in our brains as drugs do in doesn't that say something about what these apps are? Although, yes, it is a double edged sword. So you have goodness and bad, there's definitely a lot of goodness. But how many of us actually go out there and look for the goodness and come out feeling positive? I think about when you leave in app and you close your phone, or to do something else, try to focus on the emotion that you feel when you do when you do this. And if you feel bad constantly about your life, then perhaps you're doing the wrong things on social media are not necessarily wrong, but you're getting the
wrong emotions from it. By seeing other people's lives, etc, it's detrimental to you.
Most definitely, I think there has to be a balance, especially between your real life and what you may have on social media, if you find it's harming you in any way, or you start becoming jealous of other people, will you find yourself just looking at everybody else. And if you I don't have this, I don't have this, look at those who have less than you be grateful for what you have. So you mentioned a very powerful point, if this social media is now starting to affect you negatively, start thinking about cutting down your hours, it's affecting your marriage, it's affecting your productivity as a human being, then you should think about that. I think that the problem is in the
diagnosis. So a lot of times we start looking at our lives and saying that there's something wrong with me. Whereas in reality, it's not you, it's what you've been seeing, you've been fed too much. So your mind wasn't made for that it wasn't made to be looking at all of these different people's lives. Rather, you should be focused, focusing on what's positive and good for you. So we tend to diagnose our lives as being bad. Whereas in reality, it's that which we've been seeing on social media, etc.
Yes, I think if anything, what we've taken from this is we need to live real lives, we need to be in reality more than we are on the net shift. What happens if people have you know, this, they will always be problems in marriage in life in general, what happens if people have few problems, especially at the beginning of marriage, sometimes you find people already ready to walk out the door within the first week, within the first month, what advice would you give to them?
They someone close to me, when I got married, they actually told me and said that, you know,
son, when you get married, then the first two years are going to be the most difficult years. And that's because you've lived single all your life, you've only had to think about yourself. And now there's someone else next to you. And you've got to think of them. And everything that you do, you know, they're with you, the next few they're eating with you, they're sleeping with you, they're going out with you, they're everywhere, they just in every facet of your life, you've got to think about these people. So he says Now, if you pass those two years, there's going to be there may be a lot of problems. unless Allah subhanho wa Taala saves you from that, you know, and you're gonna have
a lot of problems in the beginning, but those are just speed bumps. And once you get past that, then your marriage is more likely to, to grow and survive, you know, basically,
most definitely, I think there's a lot of patience required, you will have to change your ways, they will change their ways, wherever you get married to, and you grow together. You know, if you used to doing something and you're in a certain routine for so long, you wake up at a certain time do something, all of a sudden, as you mentioned, you've got somebody else you're living with, you've got children tomorrow, your life will change. And I think sometimes people just want to live life according to one set timetable. So you find that they've got a timetable for the years to come. I'll definitely wake up at this time and sleep at this time and do so much not realizing that we have to
be flexible when it comes to our planning things happen.
Yeah, going back to how people when they get married, they think that they will change their spouse. I think that needs to be addressed. We we can't change our spouses so that the person that you're marrying, understand that they are who they are, and don't expect to change them. So yes, we can try and influence each other in a good way. But the person you're marrying, if they were a drug addict before you married them, don't think that you're going to change them and you can influence them to the extent where their hearts will be changed for the better. Remember that that wasn't even the jurisdiction of the prophet SAW Selim. He couldn't change the hearts of people. But it was what led
us to Panama to Allah to guide whomsoever He wished. You can only take a person to the water but you can't make them drink. So you need to understand and this is where I find a lot of you feel that, okay, she does this or he does
That, and it's a bad thing, I don't like it, it's wrong. But I'm going to change this person, I don't think that's going to happen and that in most cases, that doesn't happen if the person was doing something before they're married, they're most likely going to carry on with that habit. So don't become so attached to a person that you can't give up that particular person or engagement, marriage, etc.
Most definitely, as you mentioned, your attachment should be to Allah Subhana. Allah, it's normal to love somebody else, your husband or your wife, however, there will be difficulties and you will have to try to pull through. I think there's a lot of people who were much older than us in the comments who have been married for much longer. If you've got any tips, or what are some beneficial advice you can share? We would love to see that in the comments. Shed, is there anything else you'd like to add on this topic? Yes, I think with regards to, you know, cheating in marriage, where people are now having extramarital affairs, this is common in a lot of places in a lot of communities,
societies, we need to start focusing on our relationships and building them working at them, where we've earned and we've made mistakes, we've had fights, disagreements arguments, we need to communicate with each other. So a lot of the times I find that people don't talk to each other, but they go to another person outside of the home, especially today we both met men and women work they go outside the home into the workplace and they start confiding in someone and that person ends up being the person whom forgive my you know, lack of better words, but the person whom they end up in bed with basically, so all of a sudden that person is the one who can now listen to them or has has,
has given them a shoulder to cry on. Whereas had they spoken amongst, in and amongst themselves spoken to each other communicated with each other, then this would have resolved before it even went further. Unfortunately, we talk to everybody else, but we don't talk to our spouse or our is the the, you know, spouse, our one click and family most definitely, and everything gets out and things go wrong. You know, it's extremely important, as you mentioned that we must be open with each other, you know, sit down even if it's once a week at least look at look at you know, you may have seen things in the other person that you know, you'd like to address you'd like to mention in a nice way
they may have seen things of your notebook, have your papers, write it down and give each other a chance to talk start learning to listen,
start learning to listen to the other person without interrupting and having it your way or having things or thinking things are the way you think them to be. So for example, if your wife says that, you know what, I think that this this this needs to change or it needs to improve in a respectful way and you tell her that I think x y and z we could improve on you look at that you compare them then you say okay, for example, this week, inshallah we will work on this and I will work on this and you try to build together but we have to have that openness with one another
is people are asking that what if you're shy, you're scared to approach your spouse? How can you do this? You know, what, what do you do? Because you feel scared to approach them?
Well, I think it's your spouse, obviously you've got married you inshallah you both love each other. And this, you would be the only person who knows certain things about your spouse and they would know certain things about you and you share a closer relationship than you would share with other people. So if you shy to talk to your husband, I think you would have to look at different ways how to approach a topic sometimes you don't just sit down and say, Oh, you know what? This x y&z wrong with you we need to change this is a way of doing it over dinner. You know, you start talking you saying what if we try and improve upon this remember when you try to correct somebody you don't just
you know take out your your weapon and start to attack sometimes. In fact, all the time there's a way to approach it. You have to mention your flaws you have to mention what you did wrong you have to mention what you also need to improve on and you carry on but being shy will not solve a problem and that's another thing to mention. Sometimes you there's something that you see what your husband and sometimes or you see with your wife and you start doubting them doubting them doubting them, you live in sadness depression insecurity about something you doubting, you're not even sure 100% what you're thinking about is going on, address it, approach it be open.
Yes, you know, if a person can't talk to the spouse if the spouse is scary, for example, at times you find not all marriages are loving, you know, sometimes the husband or the wife can be very intimate.
dating, then I think, right to that person, you know, write a note down on a letter or email them, text them today, we can take the whole world WhatsApp, that person, you can text the whole world, but you can't text your spouse, why not take the time out to explain and express why you've texted them instead of talking to them personally. And perhaps they'll understand, you know, perhaps they'll read it without emotion, etc, and be able to absorb that easily. I think you've mentioned a very, very important point, a very valid point there, where people start to doubt each other. And sometimes, you know, it's nothing at all that the person is doing, but you just start to doubt them.
You see them texting away, you know, at a time at night, they couldn't sleep and they were texting, perhaps they texting a family member, and then you begin to think that hey, maybe this person is having an extramarital affair or etc. I think at that point, what what advice would you have for such a person?
Obviously, building on the previous question that was asked, if somebody is shy, every heart has a key, and you have to try different ways until you find the key that goes that, you know, you're able to unlock this person's heart, whether it's through food, or through good speech, or through gifts, whatever it may be, you've got to try. As for somebody, you know, if you doubting somebody who you saw something, you know, it's your husband or your wife, at the end of the day, you should be having an open relationship where you can discuss anything. So start discussing,
I think we could add,
yeah, absolutely, you know, you need to discuss and talk to each other and ask, be open about it. And I think part of the problem also is having this understanding, and look, this is just the way I see it, if your relationship goes, works differently, and you've got an open relationship where you both look into each other's owns, then that's fine. But you know, this is a sticky issue with a lot of people, sometimes they miss read something, or they misunderstand something that they've read on their spouses phone. And instead of clarifying, they begin to cause problems in the marriage, or they allow the marriage to break down further, I think this can be cut off by having your own space
out, you know, I think people need their own space. And in certain places, of the, or aspects of their lives, they shouldn't be doing everything together. So some things should be on your own. And you don't need to go into each other's messages and emails, they should be an element of trust between each other, that I trust my spouse, and she's not going to do wrong, and the Oh, you know, she's not going to do something haha. And the same goes the other way.
So this is where some of the, you know, the problems stem from also where they're going into each other's lives into too much depth. Ultimately, you are actually human beings that are separate from each other. Yes, you are married, but you are two different entities that have come together, you weren't always together. So you need to give each other your space as well.
Most definitely, I think, as you mentioned, some marriages work, you'll find that some people may be together the whole time, and it's still work. So people are different, marriage is different. But as you mentioned, sometimes somebody needs their space, or they need to get something done. Well find find a way and you know, discuss with one another and carry on somebody mentioned being vulnerable, or, you know, sharing each other's flaws with one another so we could be more human. And that's a very important point. Sometimes when we want to correct something, we want to come out as we know everything and you know, we are the boss, basically. And it's my way and I saw this wrong and this
must change, no speak about your, your defects or some of the some of the qualities that need improving in yourself, be vulnerable, speak about yourself, and then you can come to common ground and boot together.
Yes, yes. You know, someone had mentioned earlier that sometimes I'm too shy as a as a woman, I'm too shy to speak, etc. Find that that's okay. If that's the way you feel, then that's fine. But like we mentioned, you can have other ways of approaching the same topic. Number one, number two, some shyness is not actually good, some forms of shyness. So lots of kind of mortalis isn't the law as a really bad method and mahoba 10 firma for a lot there's no not have shame to give you an example of a mosquito or that which is above it or more. So certain topics don't require shyness, you need to approach them, and you need to speak about them clearly, in order to get to a certain goal. So
certain forms of shyness are not actually recommended or commented.
Most definitely as you mentioned, and even
mentions, even when it comes to knowledge,
Two types of people won't attain knowledge. Number one, the one who is shy, you know, you shy to ask you, are you shy to sit in a place where knowledge has been being given. And number two, one who is arrogant and haughty. Basically, he thinks a lot of himself. And he thinks that he knows everything, these two types of people, when it comes to knowledge, they want to tame it. So also when it comes to marriage, if it's your heart, especially something important, that needs to be spoken about here, you shouldn't be shy, and you should look for the most appropriate way to approach this.
Yeah, with regards to dealing with problems, sometimes, you know, you won't always have it your way. So some arguments you will come out and the other person would have accepted that they that you're right. And we need to understand that in a marriage, there's no winners and losers. So even in an argument, if you've lost the argument doesn't mean that your spouse has one perceive that that's a loss for them. Also, they have a net loss they feel for you. And it means that at least you can come to a common ground and understanding that's the goal of the argument even taking place. So I think it's important to mention this, because a lot of people want to come out as victors, when they you
know, we have won this argument, you see, we're wrong. And I was right.
Most definitely, it's not I win, or you win, it's either we win together, we lose together, somebody also mentioned forgiveness and overlooking. That's a very big part of any marriage. You know, whoever you live with, or wherever you interact with, there will be a time where they let you down or something goes wrong, you will have to learn how to forgive and move on.
Yes, yes. Does that go lucky?
What do you think? Shall we take any more questions from the comments? I think if there are any questions, people could, you know, mentioned whatever they would like us to address in the comments. I think another important thing to mention, I don't know, I found this, maybe you could comment on it. Sometimes, you know, marriage advice, I think is not taken from everybody. Because
in life, on average, 90 to 95% of people are only going to get married once. Okay. So they are mainly going to give you advice on what they've experienced. So I'll give you an example. If there's a husband and wife, and let's say they're having problems, husband, family, a the husband, he the only way he knows to address problems is you know, by being stern or shouting, so the advice and he sees results, the advice he's going to give everybody else is you know what, you've got to be Stern, you've got to be a man. And when it comes to family be maybe the wife, the only way she knows what she's seeing results is also by being stern and being hot. And that's the type of advice they would
give because they've seen results. What I'm getting to is that, when it comes to marriage, obviously asked people who have dealt with many cases, because they've got experience in it. Most of the people, 90 to 95% of the people are only going to get married once in life. After that they mainly going to advise you on what they've gone through. Yes, they will be good pieces of advice they give you. But especially when it comes to addressing your problems. Somebody might say, you know, a divorce and somebody might say, you know what, go home? I think there's it's much deeper than that.
Yes, yes. Well, I you know, this is so true, because people look at the marriages, generally their lives from their perspective. And their perspective is not necessarily, you know, inclusive of everything. So in fact it most most of the time, 99.9% of the time, it's probably not inclusive of everything. So there's different perspectives that you've got to take on board and see what fits in your life as well what suits you and your spouse. So not always, it's not like a one size fits all.
Yes, and as all of us, Allahu Allahu wa sallam says in the Hadith, basically, when he said, you know, you shouldn't hate a person, your spouse because of this one character, they don't have this one character, they don't have this one quality, you know, what if they don't have this look for this, and if they don't have this, look for something else that they have?
Yes, a joke that kind of comes to mind actually about a person who was very, very harsh in his mannerism, when he got married. Within then he he did this and he continued in this manner. And later on one of his close relatives was getting married and he decided to give them the advice that you need to be very harsh in your relationship. So he the first day he got married, he tells his wife that, you know, go and make the tea or else so she says okay, fine. Okay, let me go and quickly make the tea. She comes back with the tea and then the second day
The same thing happens the third day The same thing happens. On the fourth day she says, oh, what, you know, what are you going to do? And he says, well, then I'll make the tea. It's not a problem.
Yeah.
Even though you mentioned a joke is such a valid point. Sometimes there's a lot of empty threats in marriage. You know, you don't do this. I'll do this. And I'll do that. And I think we've got to be a bit more mature and think about life. Remember, as we mentioned, before you live together it's either we win together, we lose together.
Yes, yes. And someone had asked that if they've got a child and they want to get married again, or lay I don't know what advice to give you to be honest with you when I say this, because I've never been through such a situation I haven't experienced it that much. You've obviously got to look for a really understanding person who will also get along with your, your child etc. from the previous marriage, someone who's very, very open and understanding. May Allah subhanho wa Taala open your doors and make it easy for you.
I mean, I think as you mentioned, especially when it comes to marriage, sometimes individuals or people they are more knowledgeable about the situation they are in than anybody else than anybody else. Even if it is a chef or somebody you really respect sometimes only you yourself and Allah know what you are going through. So all advice or blanket advice that is general may not be applicable to you here
is a couple of
what do you think we call it tonight?
Yes, I think so. inshallah.
I don't think there's anything else being mentioned in the comments. We ask Allah subhana wa Jalla to contest Oh goodness and happy marriages. Those who are not married malice towards Allah grant them spouses, which will be the coolness of their eyes, I mean, sure, Ibrahim before Ramadan, anything you'd like to mention, you know, Ramadan is in a few days. Any last short piece of advice you could give the people the shortest piece of advice would be to ponder upon this. And this month, take out some time to ponder upon the Quran don't only recite it in addition to your recitation, understand it and ponder over certain few verses and try and implement something from that in your
life. And we even the light highlight that way you become
a manifestation for lack of a better word of the new character becomes a manifestation of the
Sousa comala famous chef so nice speaking to you, inshallah, everybody has benefited any last words? Absolutely. I apologize for my internet Alhamdulillah this we've got sound Jazakallah head and it's been lovely being with you guys.
Channel until next time, cinematic.
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