Hosai Mojaddidi – Screenagers Growing up in the Digital Age
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AI: Transcript ©
It's really critical information that was just shared. I'm sure all
of you agree after watching this film, how many of you, this was
the first time you've ever seen this film?
Okay, Subhan Allah, again, just like Lachlan and Zara for thinking
about this, we first previewed it, how many years ago, four, five
years ago when it first came out. We screened it here and handed out
we had, I'm sure, other families with teenagers, similar to the
ages that I see here, come out for that screening. And I know that it
was showing in some of the other local massages. And back then, you
know, this was something that all of us, especially as educators,
and parents really felt was so critical, and five years later,
post COVID, when things have exacerbated so much more, right,
especially with our dependence on screens, it's even more critical
that we have these conversations. So I'm really proud of all of you
that for the parents that I see her just like morphine and as well
as the youth for making this a priority. Because on a Friday
night, we know you could be every anywhere, right? It's summer
break, right? How many of you are done with your school Hamdulillah.
Mubarak, I remember how exciting summer break was. So you could be
anywhere, but you chose to come here. And that's obviously, you
know, a sign that you see how vital and critical this
conversation is. And that's why we wanted to provide an opportunity
for parents and youth to hear from each other. As someone who's kind
of caught between these two groups. I often hear from both
sides, but obviously, different viewpoints, different
perspectives. And I think it's always such a blessing when we can
come together in a shared space, and actually listen to each other.
So for this portion of tonight's program, what I'd really like to
do is facilitate a conversation. And what I'm going to ask is that
we all have opened minds, you know, so not only he he has many
beautiful quotes, but one of his quotes that always I remember as a
as a parent, and as a teacher is where he instructs parents, he
says, Do not raise your children the way you were raised, because
they come from a different generation. This is a great hikma
right that we have generational differences. And those of us who
are in the Gen X millennial, or even I don't know if there are any
boomers here, or their boomers that are the I don't think anybody
wants to admit to that category. But maybe, maybe there are some
boomers here.
We all were, remember a time without social media without the
internet without devices. So for our lens, when we see our
children, constantly yearning for screens, asking for screens,
bargaining for screens, fighting crying over phones and devices and
television and video games. It's such an alien world for us. And we
feel that there is some sort of capture of the mind happening,
right? So it's out of concern that a lot of parents, you know, push
back. But sometimes that doesn't register with the youth that this
is their world, right? They have literally in many cases, how many
of you remember playing with an iPad? Maybe we can just get some
perspective here for the youth here. How many of you remember
playing with an iPad, or a phone in your hand and iPod, whatever
device remote control something gadgety, as young as maybe 234
years old? Right?
How many raise your hand so we can see them? That your parents would
let you and it's okay, there's no shame. There's no judgement,
right? We're not here to judge people. Were just saying
that for many people in the room, they were almost, you know, came
into the world and there was a phone in front of them a device in
front of them. So this is not alien to their worldview. And then
when they go out into the schools, right, for those of you how many
of you are public school students? Okay, so let's just yeah, let's
let's just do some, you know, real talk here. How many of you public
school students see phones out constantly in your school
environment? In the classrooms? Right? So are a lot of our public
schools, they don't have the rules, right? In private schools
and other more controlled environments. You can prohibit
certain things, but a lot of public schools as far as I know,
they don't. So in the classroom, this is obviously a difficult
challenge for teachers because as we saw in the film, right, when
that one teacher called out the student who was playing what was
he doing during class? Who was playing a game and what didn't
What was the reason why he said he was playing the game?
Exactly what is here is it's easy, it's convenient. It's right here,
um, you know, and remember, I mean, I don't know I, I remember
vaguely, but I think they went into some of the physiology of the
structure of the brain, the pleasure center of the brain and
how these devices are constantly tapping into that, right. And so
it's, it's actually quite normal if you think of it from the adult
person.
fective that a child that has something in their hand that's
constantly, you know, igniting a part of their brain that makes
them feel good is going to want to keep doing that activity. And
that's where we have to obviously impose some rules. But my point
here is that they have unrestricted access to these
devices in places where they are spending a great majority of their
time, in many cases. And what I mean by unrestricted, I've seen
it, where even if a student doesn't have their own phone,
their friends likely have a phone, right, and their friends are
likely showing them content through their phone. So there's
constant interface with this, these devices, and then they come
home. And if we're being honest with ourselves, as parents, my
kids will be the first to tell you, I am on a computer or on the
phone, almost throughout the day. And sometimes they will come and
shame me the umami screen at a time, wow. 11 hours, 12 hours.
So we can't be hypocritical, we are spending a lot of time these
devices are part of our lives. And we just have to have that out of
the way. Because then the next question is, well, then how do we
provide balance? Because by the end of the film, what did we what
was the conversation? Right? The students who were lined up, they
were playing at the park, and they were asked, like, Are you happy
that your parents are, you know, a little strict? What was their
answer? Yes, how many of you, when you have a day where you're with
your friends, whether it's going to the park or you know, whatever,
at some social event going to marine world, I mean, a great
great America or some other theme park, maybe anything that's fun,
the mall, wherever you go to go eat, and you come home? Do you
feel like you missed out? When you were with your friends? No, you
actually enjoy that time more. And that's really the heart of what
our faith teaches us, right? That all of us have created us to be
social beings, we're actually brought together in this world,
we're not all isolated, we're not all individualized to the point
where we don't even see each other, we don't have
relationships, we have relationships, because we're
supposed to be connecting with each other. So the irony of social
medias and devices is that, although it's called, you know,
social networking, or that that's the purpose of them, they have
actually caused so much harm in our personal relationships, right?
We're not connecting them as much as we are. And when we do connect,
we don't feel like we missed out that that was the point that when
we're actually connecting with each other, when we're spending
time with our friends, going out having fun, that's always more
more precious time spent, than being alone in your room, or, you
know, wherever you are in some corner, on a phone. So this is
really what what we want to focus on is that, you know, there's
something that Aristotle and some of the great philosophers
introduced about knowing the difference between a parent goods,
right and real goods. What is what is the word a parent mean? Not a
parent, but a parent? Who knows their vocabulary? If something is
a parent, what does it mean? Yes.
Very good, visible, easy to see something obvious, right? So there
are things that are obvious goods, and then there are things or they
appear to be we should say, they appear to be good. And then there
are things that are real goods. We're living in a time where these
things are confused. I mean, they're they're kind of you know,
that people don't have discernment, they kind of get
confused about what's a real good and what's not. Because when you
look at the devices like that girl, right, what did I think her
name is Tessa right? It was her it? Was that the daughter's name?
Yeah. When Tessa got her iPhone, How did she react?
Alright, she just was like, so excited. And it's true. I mean, I
think I've had that reaction. When I got my first like smartphone, I
remember, it was an exciting moment. Because you look at this
thing. And it's like, wow, all the things I can do on this computer
computer. And for those of us who remember, again, a time where you
had to go and log into this big massive screen. Alright, there's a
lot of talking going on over here, you guys, that's very distracting.
Thank you. So I remember when you had to log onto a big computer in
here, you have a computer in your hands. So it was exciting. I mean,
we have to be honest, that technology is exciting. So it
seems like it's such a great thing. But then when you start to
follow the trajectory, follow the research and you start to see our
world since these devices, we now begin to understand that it
appeared to be really good. Right? And not to say that there isn't
good. I mean, again, we benefit from them. And we have to be
people who can acknowledge the blessings of Allah soprano. He's
given us these abilities as human beings to do extraordinary things.
And among that is producing technology, but we have to use
everything with wisdom. So it appears to be this great thing but
then, again, we're noticing without control, without some sort
of, you know, boundaries. That
A, whatever appears to be good can actually turn into something
really negative and destructive. And that's why a film like this is
so important because it reminds us not to ever give any sort of sense
of our, our control to anybody or to anything, right. And that's
what these devices have have done to many people, adults and
children alike. They've in a way hijacked the mind of the human
being, where we are controlled by them. We we reach for them, you
know, like that girl who was saying that? What did she say? I
think she said that the reason why she really likes her phone is
because when she's in social settings, what does it do?
What can she do with the phone?
Exactly being distracted during awkward situations. So it creates
a barrier, right? So you take out the phone, and now I can use this
as a barrier, a barrier to what to human connection. If you do that,
over time, it makes it very difficult to talk to people, you
start to get anxiety over the littlest human interactions, like
asking for a cup of water at a restaurant, right. And that's if
you feel anxious doing something like that, it's likely because
maybe you don't have enough practice doing that. And if if the
phone is one of the reasons and you need to see it for what it is,
it's become now a barrier, but there's much more right the worlds
the portals that it can lead us to. And that's where social media
comes in. Because it's one thing to have a phone and to play games,
or to kind of you know, there are people who do Sudoku, they do
puzzles, they're doing all these other things, they're using it as
an instrument that's useful to them. That's, that's different
than someone who's going into the rabbit hole of social media.
Right, real social media is a place and you know, as some of you
may know, I've talked extensively about the harms of social media,
I've warned people I myself in the past, maybe seven months or eight
months, maybe even longer, perhaps since since the situation of Uzza
mail was to bring peace and free the people of Eliza inshallah from
from their oppressors. But since that
event, I just have completely gone off, I don't really have any
desire to be on there. I mean, I'm on there to, you know, check
messages because I get messages. But to actually use it, I see the
exploitation of these mediums and how they're really are misused in
many ways. And then when we see young youth on there, I mean, this
is where so much of what is put out there the algorithms, do you
guys know what an algorithm is? What is an algorithm?
What's an algorithm? Yes, go ahead.
Good, it's in a way, yes. So it's like a computer code or language,
right, that is designed to do specific things. So algorithms and
social media are codes. And what they do is they actually, the
people who are behind the screens who are coding all these very
powerful instruments, they know how to put content per user. So
the you the what I see on my social media is not going to look
the same as every single person here. And that's really dangerous
if you think about it, because first of all, a curates content,
not always based on what you're looking at, and what you're
searching and what your what your interests are. But sometimes based
on arbitrary things, for example, like if I have a friend, let's
just I'm gonna put a scenario out there. You may not know this, if
I'm on Instagram, and I have a friend who really likes to look
up.
I don't know like, what is it?
cake recipes? Good. That's a good example, cake recipes. Okay? If
they're looking at cake recipes all day long, but I maybe I'm
gluten free. And I couldn't care less about cake. I actually can't
stand sweets, I love salty snacks, whatever the case is, all of a
sudden, I'm going to start seeing my feed filled with cake recipes,
because my friend is watching cake recipes. So algorithms can be so
arbitrary that it's not. It's not designed to you know, give you
content that you're interested in, but it actually can bring you
content that someone else is interested in. So if you have
friends that you don't, you know, and I know because I have, I talk
to youth all the time. But there are people who are on social media
and I have teenagers who have 1000 2000 plus friends.
You guys, did you have 2000 friends when you were in high
school?
I'm like how do you know 2000 People when you're 13? What is
going on? There's something bizarre going on. That's not real.
That's not reality. These are just friends of friends of friends or
friends of friends or friends and it just becomes this massive,
uncontrolled thing, but then they are influencing the content you're
you're getting. So you don't even know what you're being influenced
by but just know for sure that there are these are very powerful
mediums and they are obviously going to
to put content that they know will make you come back similar to
casinos, right? Why are casinos places that we should definitely
as Muslims not be supporting? What do casinos offer?
Good gambling, right? So what's Why is gambling so exciting for
people? What's the incentive of gambling?
Exactly, it's a false promise. Put in one coin? And what am I going
to get? Potentially what?
Exactly $500, maybe I can get a jackpot $1,000. So there's a
lower, there's a bait, it baits you into thinking, if you do this
small, little action, you're gonna get this massive return. And so
they know what they're doing. In many ways, with social media, they
do the same thing, they lower you, it's bait, it's designed to put
something there that's gonna make you go, Ooh, what's that, and then
you follow the rabbit hole. And that's why, you know, Alice in the
Wonderland is something that we use as a reference, because once
you go down that path, it's very hard to dig yourself back up. And
people become addicted. I've had parents, you know, reach out to me
because their, their children have really slipped into some dark
places, they went down a dark, demonic rabbit hole. So it's one
thing to go down a rabbit hole of cake recipes, it's a whole other
thing, to start to see really evil, harmful things, images that
imprint into the brain and into the soul. You know, our teachers
teach us that we have a spiritual eye. It's metaphorical, right? And
that spiritual eye is connected to the heart. And when you're looking
at images that are haram, it's like, basically stabbing that
spiritual eye. It's blinding the spiritual eye. And I've had people
literally cry to me and say, I don't know what to do. Every time
I pray. As soon as I go into prayer, I want to pray. But then
Allah, like, I don't know how to control it. This image that I saw,
it's 100 images, image comes to my mind, the moment I go and stand
for prayer.
So there are people who are suffering, real consequences of
being affected by these poisonous darts that are being constantly
we're being bombarded with through social media. So the point of the
film was to just bring that perspective that these are
powerful, they're exciting, and they appear to be really good. But
if you scale back and start to pay attention to how people are being
influenced and the effects that it's having on the mental health
of adults and youth alike, you will realize that they actually
are harmful, unrestrained, like unrestricted if you don't have
rules, right?
And that's why the contract is a great idea has, does anybody have
have it? Has anyone here had use the contract? Some parents martial
law, they're on their game? They've been looking into this
stuff they know, you have you have a contract. Awesome. Anybody else?
Good for you guys. So you guys have a contract? Why is the
contract useful?
Why is the contract I mean, I've always, I always thought whether
it's verbal or written contracts between parents and youth can be
useful, but why?
Very good to actually log or record the rules, right? Because
sometimes, and parents this is for you guys.
I know. Because I've done this too. We're not consistent in our
rules, right? How many times? One day when we're not in a good mood?
Absolutely not. You know, and then the next day, okay, honey, go
watch that four hour, you know, you want to play video games for
five hours, okay? That's okay. Because we're in a good mood, we
want to distraction we got things to do. Do you know how confusing
that is for these poor kids? They're like, what?
She's mad at me today. But yesterday, she's she was fine. I
don't know what's going on. So we can we kind of can cause our
problems because children need, as we know, those of us who are
educators, and those of us who are parents, we've learned over time,
there's no manual, but we learn over time, that children actually
do really well, when there are parameters set in place, when we
communicate very clear boundaries, even if we they think they're
strict, and they may gripe a little bit. They benefit
tremendously, because it's consistency, when we're
inconsistent is when we get into the back and forth and the
constant bargaining and argumentation because we're not
consistent. And we have to address that as adults. So the contract
can take care of that. Right? The contract actually keeps us
accountable. And it's respectful. That's why it works. Right?
Because you and like I said, it can be verbal, if you can be very
clear in your agreement, or it can be written, but having some sort
of a contract that you honor, and that you allow your kids to
actually think about and to reflect over.
and maybe even have some bargaining power is a really good
way. And I'll tell you again, as a as an educator, I've always found
that the best way to hold your kids accountable is with rules
that they agreed with you upon not just rules that you imposed on
them. Because what you're doing is saying, these are your agreements.
And I'm holding you accountable to your agreement, like when we first
you know, took out the phone, and we decided what your rules were
you agreed to this, but now you're betraying that, that's much more
effective than you saying, I told you not to do that. Right? Because
the child will then realize you're right, these were my words, and so
I need to be responsible. So anyway, those are some tips. But I
think overall, the film is really, I my opinion, but anyway, I'd love
to, you know, give you all the opportunity to share your
reflections and thoughts. I just wanted to kind of give us some
food for thought to really reflect about why this film was made in
the first place some of the highlights about the mood of the
film, and the documentary, but any questions or reflections? Any, any
takeaways that you have from either the parents or the youth?
We can give priority to the youth? Yes. So I want to just walk over
with the microwave, please. I think we had a hand right here.
Yeah. Or is that your hand? Oh, yeah. Yeah, right here.
So what would be your recommendation for screen times in
school is off. And for teenagers, like 14 1315 years old? So in a
day, I mean, how much they should be on screen. So I mean, it really
depends on your relationship with your child. You know, if you ask
me in my home, I mean, I can share my rules with my kids, they know,
they have one hour, every day.
What even get the school off? Yes, one hour every day, and that's
uncontrolled downtime on their devices. And they cannot, there's
many of their apps that are not there. Because you can go into the
settings, right, especially if you have the iPhone, there's a lot of
features there that allow you to control which apps that they can
be on and which ones they can't. So this is where parents have to
be educated, you have to know the parent parental controls, you have
to know the devices and how they give you permissions. So they have
one hour every day, and it's usually just to talk to their
friends. They don't play video games, and you can ask them,
they're here. Hamdulillah, we're pretty consistent. And this has
been the case since they were very young, one hour of games a week,
on their iPads, and those have to be earned. So I'm very strict in
this because I've done enough research to know how harmful these
things are. And they have had a lot of discussions and one of the
points that one of the presenters made, which I 100% agree with. And
I wish we could even play that clip again, that parents fail
their children when they don't articulate the reasons for the
rules. We fail them. They have to understand that an hour more of
these games or these medium will affect their brain. There's neuro
like, you know, that there's neuroplasticity, we know but
they're their brains are being reshaped by these devices are very
powerful. And then we talk about addiction. What is addiction that
if you don't if you don't have a conversation with your children
about things that are addictive, have addictive properties and how
they all are similar. Then again, we're not we're not explaining
things to them with hikma and our Dean calls us to, to knowledge.
It's not just you know, rule based, it's actually wisdom rules
based on wisdoms, right. So they know that beyond that it would be
excessive. There are times, you know, and they know this, like,
they've recently been asking me because last summer, I had a rule
where I said to them, if I see that you're being like really
productive, because we don't really we don't really stop
learning during the summer. And I don't, that's my personal advice.
But I don't think children should stop ever learning. I don't think
adults should stop learning. So the idea that summer school starts
and then tell us we stop learning. I don't think that's healthy. I
think you should encourage your children to still preoccupy their
brains. So give them alternatives to devices. If that's all games,
and all play, then they're going to want it. But when you still try
to give them opportunities to learn whether it's bringing them
books that they're interested in, or just any classes, there must be
a lot of programs that you can sign them up for, then they'll
keep them busy. So but if they have been productive, then I will
extend that to maybe an hour and a half.
My son, he's here he has a smartphone, but there is no
browser I removed the browser from it. He cannot do any searches on
that. It is Oh yeah, you can do that. You can actually remove all
the things that would lead them down to a path where they could be
bombarded with something. So there's no browser, he has no
searching capabilities, he can call he can text and he can you
know speak to like a
on WhatsApp and those things, but no social media and no browser. So
there's ways to go around everything and don't be, don't
think that it's so binary like it's you have to give them or you
have to restrict them. There's always the middle path. And we are
the OMA of the middle path, a balanced path. So I would say,
talk to your teenager and really try to figure out what is it that
they need from this phone? Like the, you know, the girls, I don't
know about the boys as much? How many boys? Well, if you if you
feel like you want to disclose it, that's fine. But how many boys do
you either you're on or you know, people that are on social media?
Okay, so things have changed. If you are, if you did this survey,
or even during the film, like five years ago, there was a clear
difference between the usage between girls and boys boys are on
video games more. They weren't as much on social media. Girls were
more on social media. So I think you need to really dissect like,
what is your child need from the device? And then try to figure out
a compromise that works with what's balanced for them. But
that's just something that, um, that we've been able to do. Yes.
Did you? Did you have a question? Oh, you're helping? Okay. I'm
sorry. All right. Anybody else?
Have a question? Yes. So Monica, how are you?
I'm doing great.
All right. I'm so sorry, one second.
Boys. I want to be able to hear our speakers. So can we all
respectfully Listen, please. That's that's two times by the way
I've addressed the boys I have not addressed the girls just keeping
score. Keep us oh, by the way, many of them are my students. So I
can talk to them like that.
But let's say you are a parent that has clear and consistent
boundaries, but you have a child, who is very tenacious and will ask
you the same question pushing the boundary over and over again,
similar to like your jujitsu like seriously, like, you know that
it's not going to ever be a yes. But they still ask the question.
Yeah. How does a parent deal with that? That's a great question. And
I have one of those, by the way. We I think we all get one of those
my shot. And that's from Allah, you know, hamdulillah being
tenacious as a gift as well. So I think you know, what I try to do
with my kids is I always put it back on them because they can want
forever, and they can keep yearning and asking and asking,
but I will always ask them, What did you do to earn it, put it back
on them? Where it's where's the onus? And I think when you have
that type of transactional view of social media, it becomes very
clear for children that it's not a given, it's not an entitlement.
It's not that because it's open, I can just go get it. I have to earn
it. And I'll tell you guys something, and I know this might
be recorded, and maybe my my family will see this, but it's
okay, I'll admit this. So my children were gifted. What is it?
What was it?
What is it a PS five, okay, they were gifted a PS five, they don't
play video games other than like, Dream league soccer or something
like that. So I got this PS five from one of my siblings, and I was
like, okay, not my world. But what do you do, you know, it's a gift.
So Alhamdulillah, we kept it, but I had a deal with them, that I
said, the way that you're going to get this PS five is you have to
clean the whole garage, the entire garage has to be cleaned, and we
have to organize and it has to be like, spotless, like there was a
lot of rules. How long ago did you get the PS five
two years ago, so every time they get you know, sometimes teased by
their cousins, why'd you have an open abuse vibe, and I'll just go
back to him, like, I told them what they can do to earn it
clearly. It's not worth it for them. So when you set up like, you
know, the, the the transaction like you know the rules of how
they can earn things, then again, you hold them accountable, like
you clearly don't want it enough. If you wanted it enough, you'd be
in that garage working every day right? So until it becomes
valuable enough for you for you to toil away and work hard for it
then don't come complaining to me I'll see you I'll you'll see the
PS five when I see a garage that's clean. So I would say put it back
on them and give them those guidelines of what they need to do
to earn more and if they earn it then mashallah, that's that's our
deen to you know, we can earn you know things even if they're not
always the most ideal things but I think we just have to be empowered
parents and also empower our children because I don't this top
down sort of because I said so and there's no room for anything. I
don't agree with that either. I feel like we need to be better
about negotiating. Inshallah.
Any questions from the brother side? The boys you guys have a lot
to say apparently.
Maybe anything to say.
Okay, back here. I'm gonna Yeah, I'm sorry. Yes. Okay. Oh, we do
have Yes. I don't want to go
Oh, okay. Sorry. We're looking at where somebody just wants to make
One point is that like, it seems that you give your kids to do
something while they're not using their phones. So, I'd like to make
this as like something an example for like parents not to say like,
Okay, we're gonna cut down your time to one, one hour, every
single week. But like they should be doing something instead. So
comparative to like being
just on the phone, they could be doing like other curriculums, for
example, something you've been doing, right? Absolutely. You have
to give them alternatives. Children, I mean, it's not their
fault. If you leave them unattended, bored, don't know,
unchallenged. There's nothing else to do that, obviously, the most
instant, you know, I mean, something that's in their hands
that can give them instant gratification is going to appeal
to them. But if you give them again, alternatives, which is
which could be skills, which could be you know, work around the home
or learning something, whatever that is, and you can talk to your
kid to see what their interests are, and try to figure out those
ways, then it will help tremendously so that they're not,
it's not boredom that's driving those decisions, because most of
the time, I think it is a lack of alternatives that makes kids just
want the thing that's the most convenient and easy for them.
Right. Now, I saw your hands we heard go ahead yeah, Mashallah.
Sure, I mean, if you earned, you know, if you did really well in
your studies, and that's something that you negotiate with your
parents, like, if I get all straight A's, I make principals on
a roll, can I get X, Y, and Z at the beginning of the school year?
Yeah, your parents should honor that. But this is why the contract
is important, like you should make that stipulation at the beginning
at the onset, right? That or if it's during a month, you know,
there's a particular month where you're going to be really working
on something like if you participate in a science fair, and
you won the science fair, or you placed one first, second, third
place, whatever it was, but it was part of the agreement that if I do
this, and I do it really well, can I get this outcome? And if that
means playing video games, if that means you know, getting a device,
whatever that is, I think that's something that you're each parent
is going to have to figure out. But I think that's certainly
something you can bargain with inshallah? Yeah, sure. No, please.
I can control I can control my kid, right. But what when they go
to college, and like in the documentary, that kid, he just
went down?
Hit the bottom? So is there any suggestion to parents I mean, how,
what what can we do about that the time in college, like, through our
religion? Or how can we reinforced them before they go to college?
And they don't just, you know, fall down? Sure. No, just like you
look at it, it's an important point, because obviously, when
they're not in our homes, like you said, we can't really protect them
as much. But hopefully, before we send them off to college, we've
had enough conversations with them. We've shown them the data,
we've shown them the research, and I think when you're using actual
facts, over just opinions, it's far more effective, right? If a
child sees that you've done your homework as a parent, you know, I
remember showing my kids when they were younger, a documentary that
actually showed the effects, it was showing brain scans of these
devices on the brains, and how it's actually causing damage,
brain damage, they were like, Oh, my God, and they didn't want to
watch TV and cartoons anymore. Because if they understood that
Mommy's not just arbitrarily saying, don't do something, I'm
actually coming from a place of concern. And I think this really
speaks to the connection we have with our parents. I mean, with our
children, children need to know that when we say no, it's not
because we're being mean, it's not because we're being strict. It's
literally because and I always tell my kids, nobody on the planet
will ever want your success and your protection more than me. So
if I'm telling you not to do something, that's where it's
coming from. This isn't about control, I'm not a tyrant, I don't
care to control you, I care to protect you, because all those
parts that I put me in charge of doing that for you. So creating
that bond is really important. And I think this goes really back to
how are we parenting. So the I mean, we can always impose rules.
But if we don't have a clear way culture in our home that where the
child feels cared for and safe, and that everything that that
they're being asked to do or not to do is really for their
protection, then that's where ground zero, that's where we need
to start, because that means that there's a lack of connection. And
then when they go off, they're probably going to be like, Oh,
good, I'm out of here. I can go do whatever I want, because they
didn't feel connected, you know? And this is where people like Dr.
Leonard Sachs, I think is a really useful resource. He really talks
about the importance of creating
Healthy cultures in the home. You know, I've heard that I've done
panels with him and he told me flat out and this is an American
board certified physician and psychologist, he's an expert. He's
one of the leading experts. He works a lot of 1000s of patients
with youth. When he told me flat out, he said, please go back to
the Muslim community and tell them, whatever they're doing in
terms of their cultures, like they're whether they're from, you
know, Pakistan, Egypt, of lawlessness, Palestine, whatever
culture practices, you have religious practices you have
police do not let those go. Because you said American culture
is toxic, create, preserve the cultural, you know, foundations of
your religion, or faith or your cultures, and make sure that your
home environment is reflective of that. And so if we do that, you
know, especially when they're younger, and we consistently do
that throughout their teen years, where they really feel connected
with us and by the time they go off to college, hopefully and this
is a at the end of the day, outcomes are by Allah so I always
tell parents, we just we do our work, we do our job, we put our
trust in Allah, we make our dua, we put our best effort forward,
but they are at the end of the day accountable to their Creator. And
if we've given them that conscience, you know that that
awareness and hopefully there'll be able to make the right
decisions inshallah. Yes, of course.
Oh, you know what it was like, I have to look for it. But I think
it was CBS News. I do remember if CBS News did a whole special, I
could probably find it. I could probably find it. Yeah, maybe we
can put it on the link of this talk. Inshallah. Yeah, so once I
find it, I'll put it on the link. Okay. Yeah, of course. Yes, I
know, again, Hamdulillah.
So let's say that we are able to balance schoolwork and fun stuff
for our kids, and they're not on screens. But how do we instill
that love and connection with the dean and with the Masjid? Let's
say you have a child who is very resistant to like, going to the
masjid, for example? Yeah, that's a good question. And I do
encounter this a lot. 100 I think we're, first of all, we have to
acknowledge that we're in a community, Marcelo that's very
lively. And it has a lot of programs tailored for youth, and
they do their best. This is an exception to the rule, there are a
lot of communities and massages that simply don't have the the
level of in the degree of programming that we have, which is
always a huge blessing. And sometimes though, that can be kind
of like a catch 22. Because, you know, if it's overload, and
there's a lot of offerings, and people kind of are like as well,
I'll just catch it next time. And so you start to take it for
granted. But I think there is ample opportunity in the bay area
to try to find programs that speak to your particular child's
interest, because sometimes it's not really, you know, if it's,
it's the speaker, it could be the speaker, it could be the subject
matter. So you want to really hone in on what topics interest your
child that are connected to the dean. And we also have to get out
of I think this is my personal opinion of a very black and white
interpretation of what is religious studies because, you
know, children need to understand, you know, to be brought into and
into the deen through through different avenues. You know,
there's the, there's the artistic child that could benefit maybe
from a calligraphy class. That's still learning, you know, the
beauty of or geometric design, you're still teaching them Islam
through something that also appeals to them. Then there's
others that are more physical, you know, they're more kinetic and
maybe they need to be in something that focuses on grappling,
archery, horseback riding, you can teach Deen through other means
instead of just sitting. And it's Islamic Studies, and Quran and
Hadith. All of that can be infused, right? So I think when we
start to really become more creative with the way that we're
teaching the into our children and looking at their interests and
tailoring their instruction, then we can find those programs. And
then the last thing I'll say on that is, if your child is
reluctant to come to the masjid,
I would advise and I have advised parents to please consider doing
home Hello, cuz with a small group, Islam started right, with a
small group that were meeting and that'll come right. And they were
meeting they were learning the promises and was giving them the
seeds, but it was private home Hanukkah, and I really think that
in this time of fitna, in this time of oversaturated information,
it's everything so diluted, that we can really provide deep heart
to heart connections by bringing instructors to our home, allowing
our children to thrive in spaces that they feel comfortable in. And
if you think of a child who is in a in a time and day and age where
Anxiety disorders are through the roof among youth, we can scale
back a lot of that anxiety when we put the it's they're in their own
domain right in their home. They're in their domain when you
go outside of that home, it's anxious so that's why they don't
want to go but when they're calling the shots and people are
coming to their
Home, you feel a level of confidence that can really help
bolster the child's interests, and then just providing them with a
solid mentor or teacher. And hopefully, inshallah I think we're
working on a programming now with Brother Minear. But in a couple of
months, we're going to be doing some programs around the
importance of mentorship. And we're, I'm really excited for
that. And you guys, please, if you see that topic, come, because it's
going to open your eyes to the immense benefit of finding mentors
for your children, we all have to do it, I have to do it, you have
to do it. When they reach a certain age, we have to pass the
baton, you know, we teach them right, up until a certain point,
but children, I could speak verbatim to my child and another
person could say, I mean, say what I said, verbatim, they'll hear it
from them more than me. And that's just, we have to, you know, accept
that as parents that we lose some some of that affectivity. And but
we do have an hamdulillah people in our midst that can step into
that role in sha Allah. So look for those mentors from the law.
From the law, any other comments or questions I would love to hear?
Yes. So far? Yes. And I'm Monica.
Yes, these are my lovely students. So yes, as a kid, how should we
like pull ourselves away from electronics? Like without the help
of our parents? Excellent. I think that's a really good question.
Thank you. So Tom, because self restraint, and you guys know,
these are my Islamic Studies students. So they know, we've
talked a lot about your mom and his dad, his teachings, right?
What are we talking about? What are the three parts of the human
being? What are they?
Good, I know that the parents are like, what dog pig? Well, what is
this? What are you teaching them? I remember, it was like, he talks
about the different impulses, right? The what we call the core,
the quarter or the BA, the quarter, Shania, the quarter are
clear, there's three components of the human being, there's the
intellectual or intellectual capacity, we have the emotional
capacity, and we have the appetite of, so we teach our students that
if your intellect is not controlling you, than the other
two are, and that's either your appetites or your emotions, we
live in a day and age where the powers that be the people who are
creating these devices. And by the way, you should know this, all of
these tech giants, Elon Musk, even Steve Jobs, all of them, Bill
Gates, all of these people who created these devices that we're
all hooked on, many of them refuse to give their children devices,
because they knew decades ago, how powerful and addictive these
things were. So they actually did not give their children devices.
It's documented. It's well known. So why because they understood
that we have these appetite of impulse control problems. And so
being aware of that is the first step right. Being aware that we
have addictive parts of our brain that if you
know, that, if you give, like social media, they say is some of
it is so is as is more addictive than crack cocaine on the brain.
When you're getting those likes those notifications, the way that
it affects your brain is even more potent than a hit of cocaine, a
shot through the nose. That is that should alarm us, it should
terrify us. But what does she do is put us back into what
intellectual rational state of mind that says. This is why Allah
subhanaw taala you know, instructs us as human beings to live,
regimented lives, right? What's our top priority? What are we
supposed to do? Why were we created? Why did all spider create
human beings and jinn, for what reason?
For what reason? To worship Him? That is the number one reason why
we are here. We pray five times a day spread out, because Allah
wants us to be people of what discipline people have order.
People have restraint, we fast during the month of Ramadan. Why?
Because all us plant wants us to hold back our appetites, to not
give into every desire and craving and constantly gorge ourselves to
death. So there's a message a theme very consistent in our
tradition, that talks about the importance of being people of
balance and restraint. So how do you control yourself? You should
recognize that as soon as you start to just feel like what am I
doing with my time, right? If I'm spending 30 minutes on a game, and
then it's an hour and and I say this, I've said this to my
students. There was a quickly a documentary, I think out of South
Korea or North Korea, where they were so addicted to video games
that some of these people they had like these massive spaces that
they would just come together to play games on. They were so
addicted. They got to the point that there was there was addicted
that they started wearing adult diapers, because they wanted they
couldn't leave the screen to go use the restroom. Do you want to
ever God forbid be in a position where something has such power
over you that you would rather defecate in your own
Self, I mean on yourself than to get up to use the restroom because
God forbid you separate yourself from the device. To me that kind
of stuff is terrifying. But this wasn't one person, you guys, this
was like a whole, you know how they have like internet cafes,
that this was a whole building full of people who were that
addicted. So we have to recognize almost kind of teaches us we're
weak, he created us weak. And we have certain things that make us
weak. And these devices and the science behind them are designed
to be addictive. So you have to have the knowledge and the
intellect and I I say this, you're you know, many of you are, you
know, in your teens, by the Islamic standard, you are adults
in Sharia. Did you know that? When you reach teenage by the age of
below the age of, you know, adolescence, by Sharia Islamia,
you are considered an adult. Because your rational mind works
just as effectively you can understand information, just the
same way the adult does this culture infantilizes children, and
it's to the detriment of children, because it teaches children that
Oh, you're just a kid, you can do it. It's okay. Let them let them
they're just kids know, they are not. There were, you know, sitting
it How old was he when he became a Muslim? When he took his Shahada.
He was 10 years old. We have many of the early Sahaba Sahabas were
in their, you know, pre adolescent age. And they were teaching, they
were guiding they were they were huge pillars of our faith. There
were teenage boys leading battles. So we have got to do a better job
as parents of not accepting the western standard, that children
are children and we just infantilized them and treat them
like kids and it's okay. It's okay. No, no, hold them
accountable to adults standards and say, You know what, you know
that this is harmful to you. You know, just check into yourself
your own understanding. You read the research, here's the research.
Here's the documentary, you saw it for yourself. Is this good for
you? And if if we start to speak to our children like that, and
hold them to a higher standard, and shallow they'll respond. I
think it's it's the opposite. That's caused a lot of problems on
the law. Yes.
Oh, yes, please.
Film where they go, why they come. So now I wanted to thank you so
much. So that was coming last minute. Thank you. May Allah bless
you and your family and reward you. I mean, wage my immensely. My
quick question was,
what do you say to teens who say, well, we need to learn anyways?
Like, why not learn, the sooner we learn the better? Okay. Are
parents even have that sentiment? Yeah, no, that's a very good
question. And I know that, again, because we live in a time where,
on the one hand, as I just said, children are infantilized and
treated like they are too dumb to understand concepts. But on the
other side, they're exploited and pushed into adult behavior very
early. So it's really schizophrenic the way this culture
treats children. So kids pick up on these little, you know,
sentiments, these notions, and they want to be suddenly like
little mini adults. Well, this is where we go back to our deen.
Right? And there's a time and age for everything. And when you're in
fitrah, what's fitrah? What is fitrah? mean?
What does it mean to be in fitrah?
There isn't an instance short, it's a it's a state of purity.
It's a state of innocence is the natural state of the human being
that children are in when we're in fitrah. And then we graduate into
adolescence, and then eventually adulthood, we're kind of coming
out of that state, right? We're awakening to the evils of the
world, we're awakening to a lot of things. But it's a gradual
process. And so I would say to any child that things like well, we
might as well learn it or the earlier the better. Don't force
yourself out of a natural state of fitrah. It's it we're seeing the
effects of that, because children aren't allowed to be children in
their innocence not in their intellectual capacities in their
innocence. We have a lot of problems in this culture. We have
everything from unwanted, you know, pregnancies, to spread of
disease, we have a lot of, you know, all these things that we
talked about social ills, addictive behaviors, a lot of that
comes from children, forcing themselves out running out of
childhood into adulthood, and pace yourself. There's a time and place
for everything, let yourself experience the world in a natural
organic way, and do not take your cues on on behavior based on this
culture of please this culture, the proof is evident, it's evident
by looking at it. Is this really something you want to model? Or do
you want a model at the end the last part that has perfected the
prophesy centum who is a perfect example. We have perfection? Why
would we take a substandard view of how to raise ourselves or I
mean right raise our children's or
Our family when we have the perfect deen of Allah subhanaw
taala. So I feel like we really need to remind ourselves to not,
you know, go, you can take the cheaper alternative, the lower
alternative, and, and lower our standards based on what's popular,
what's trending, what our classmates are saying in schools,
what celebrities are saying, no, they're not. These are not role
models. For us. We have the perfect role model, and in our
faith. fitrah is something we should extend. It's something that
we hope to have even into adulthood, not to throw it out. So
learning things and emerging from childhood, because you want it you
think it's better to learn earlier, the better. That's just a
very western attitude, and it's not our tradition. Okay.
Okay. Oh, sorry. Last question. And shot one more. Yeah. Okay.
We'll take one more question because I think the event went on,
right. Okay. So go ahead. And my,
my show sweet is she's giving her turn to anyone else who may have a
question if you do, otherwise. Go for it. Sweetheart. Yes.
There's like ups and downs. Very good question. I think it really
depends on you the intention, right, no matter how the vignette
is a principle of our faith. What are you doing on social media? If
you're Nia is there, like there are influencers who are doing
incredible things, they're putting content out there that is changing
lives? It's impactful. They're actually producing really good
content. And that's your Nia. Allahu Akbar, may Allah give you
tofi. But if you're Nia on social media is to watch to just stare at
things to look at things to consume to consume, consume. It's
basically like standing in front of the fridge and just gorging
with your mind. That's what you're doing. You can't make a case for
it. What are you doing up at night, and then there's kids who
are their devices. And if you have children, and you let them have
their devices with them in their bedrooms, please for the love of
God, that is a rule like even the most secular people know. So we
should certainly know that. Who don't have morals like values, the
way we do our traditional values, they do not give their children
these things into, into their bedrooms. So please make sure that
you're not doing that. But staying up until two o'clock in the
morning, scrolling through Tiktok is literally like standing in
front of the fridge. Ah, what are you doing? Why are you consuming
at that hour, go to bed, right and go to bed. So we need to bring
back balance. We need to bring back restraint. We need to teach
our kids the harms of these things. But the most important
thing and I hope this is the takeaway that you take, get to
know your children speak to them find out what their interests are.
It's sports, it's academics, it's art, its intellectual pursuits,
give them alternatives. Inshallah, when they have ample alternatives,
they won't feel so dependent on these devices. We always had a
reward each and every one of you just block it and have a fun with
the center.