Hosai Mojaddidi – Raising Children Dignity, Devotion & Deen Parenting Workshop (Part 4)
AI: Summary ©
AI: Transcript ©
Bismillah AR Rahman off the
line you're going to get to, under the lamp, thank you all for being
here. I know it's a busy time, the weekends we spend usually with
family or other obligations. But I appreciate anytime you come out
Hamdulillah this is our fourth session. So for those who don't
know, our first three sessions are available on the on MCs, Facebook
page and their YouTube page. So inshallah you can always check out
what was covered before if you're just now coming. Or if you haven't
had a chance to see those, those are all available to you. But I do
like to sort of summarize at least the previous session at the
beginning of every session, because I want you to kind of
follow the conversation as we're having it. So the outline, here's
the outline, we'll do a summary
of the last session where we talked about leadership basics in
Islam, and then defining basic human needs, we'll get to what the
context of that inshallah and then we'll also talk about the risks
and dangers, things that parents should be aware of and prepared
for when just looking out for what's you know, different stages
of where their children are at, to know what to expect and how to
protect them. So we'll go ahead and begin
from the data. So in our very first session, we talked about two
Hadith. We talked about the Hadith, prophesy, salam alaikum
Okumura, in Wakulla, comas all Ananda Yesi, which is, each of us
a shepherd, and you are responsible for your flock, right,
it's a lengthy headache, but it kind of goes into the different
roles that every person every Muslim has, and the different sort
of hats we wear. And then also manana Vanessa, the autofab Babu,
which is whoever knows himself knows his Lord. So this is sort
of, you know, the theme, the two heavies that really kind of
outline the theme of these workshops, because we're, first of
all, getting, you know, back to the basics as far as really
identifying the leadership qualities necessary
to be effective parents. So that's where the first headache comes in.
And then also how that ties into, you know, really becoming aware of
oneself and teaching that to our children to become very in touch
with who they are. So that strengthens their relationship
with a wasp pocket, which is ultimately our objective, right.
So, here in this particular slide we've talked about, and the parts
that are underlined are what we've covered so far. So we talked about
some basic leadership skills, that will obviously translate to
effective parenting are to first understand yourself well, so a lot
of times, obviously, when it comes to a parenting class, we feel like
their focus is going to be on children, which yes, it will be
eventually but we want to start with ourselves first. Because how
you parents is very much going to be determined by as a reflection
of where you are, right? If you are in a state of, you know, in a
good state, you know, in a state of spiritually, physically,
emotionally, mentally, then inshallah your parenting will
follow through. But if you yourself, have a lot of, you know,
issues going on, that you haven't yet attended to, then obviously,
that's going to impact your parenting. So you always want to
look at yourself first and really sort of get to the core of how why
you parent, the way your parents how you parent, where did you
learn your parenting skills from? Wasn't you know, are you just
repeating things that you were done to you? Have you done the
reading and the, you know, sort of education into parenting that
that's, that should have been done from both Islamic perspective, as
well as just general parenting tips. So kind of just again,
identify that but also your own needs as a human being, you know,
children as we know, mashallah they're demanding, you know,
they're even, you know, a little tiny infant requires so much right
attention, so much focus. And so if you neglect your own needs, in
don't realize what you need in order to be effective, it's
obviously going to possibly impact again, your parenting so being
really in touch with what you need. Do you need more self care?
Do you need help? Do you need to be more clear in your
communication? Do you need to work with a professional, you know, to
help you maybe you and your spouse need some guidance along the way?
So there's a lot of things that you have to identify. And then
obviously
Understanding that the needs of those in your care is very
important as well, which we talked about in previous session. So you
can go back to the previous recordings and check those out to
really talk about, you know, kind of we discussed, for example,
actually going back to knowing yourself well, and then
eventually, you knowing the needs of those in your care, one of the
things we talked about was really getting in touch with one's
temperament. Right? So we talked about before temperaments in
Islam, and being really in tune with how you know, you are you're
a reactive person, Are you a person that is slow to react quick
to react? Do you? Are you really analytical and critical? Or are
you more engaging in social extrovert introvert, all these
things that measure personality types are really important for you
to know about yourself, but then also to look at your children and
to identify their strengths, and maybe areas that they might need
help with. And so when we talk about the needs of those in your
care, these are things we're talking about, in addition to the
physical needs, which actually are things that we really focused on
in our very last session. So these are, you know, kind of that,
again, the topics that we've covered so far, and will again,
continue with the repeating a little bit. But what we're going
to talk about today, specifically is the next section here, which
you see the list. And for those of you who are watching, it's
understanding potential dangers and threats. Because obviously,
part of again, if you think back to our first session, when we
talked about the analogy of the shepherd, right, we said that the
shepherds role is to protect his or her flock. And that is not just
providing and nurturing and taking care of them, but also, knowing
imminent dangers being prepared for danger. So part of our job as
parents is really being ahead in this regard. And I you know,
there's so many things that come up, that I think, you know, a lot
of parents are really, really stressed about today that have to
do specifically with this topic, I would say more than anything, this
is the area that parents are really struggling with, because
they are kind of in the midst of of something that they don't know
how to resolve that it's, they perceive it as a potential danger
or threat that their child is going through something. And we'll
talk about that in sha Allah, but they're kind of lost. And so,
again, effective parenting is, you know, this before hand you study
into this, you read into this, you look at the articles, you've you
look at the data, you look at the research, you really try to get
ahead and see what's going on with children. Like I just was telling
a sister a few minutes ago that the earlier this week, there was a
news report, I think, put out by CBS, which was fascinating, but it
was, you know, they were speaking to some researchers who are
actually looking at the effects of devices and video games, social
media on the brains of children. And they're actually I think it's
a 10 year study that they're going to do with, you know, a few 100
different children, they're going to monitor them over 10 years and
kind of see what exactly is going on with their brains. But already,
in the preliminary sort of tests that they've done, they've seen
changes are happening just from these devices that they're, you
know, the brains of a child who's actively engaged in, you know, in
looking at, you know, devices, and our you know, being on devices is
different than a normal childhood, it's not. So there are definitely
alarming things that are already that we shouldn't know about. But
to follow things like that. And to really kind of be ahead of the
research would be one example of being informed and being effective
in terms of really knowing these threats and dangers. So we'll talk
more about that. But just to kind of again, summarize, you know,
needs you know, we've we've really talked about needs, knowing your
needs, knowing the basic needs of the people in your care. We said
You know, last time for example, we asked what our basic human
needs, right? What are they?
Right food, right? Air, water, shelter, love, these are basic
human needs. But then there's also needs, I mean, those are survival
needs, right? And we're all pretty, I think, versed in
survival needs because we have to be we need to survive. So we know
those, but what about thriving as a human being to excel to get
better? This is what we, we want to focus on right? So you if you
know how, what the needs are in terms of surviving Alhamdulillah
but now let's focus on what are the needs in terms of becoming
better becoming a more actualized person which we'll get to so we
said this was a quote from Abraham Maslow, who is an American
psychologist, and he came up with this theory called a hierarchy of
needs, but this is a quote from him from him. He said, for the man
who is extremely and dangerously hungry, no other interest exists,
but food. Life itself tends to be defined in terms of eating
anything else will be defined as unimportant. Freedom love
community.
The feeling respect philosophy may always be waved aside. As for
priests, which are useless since they fail to fill the stomach,
such a man may fairly be said to live by bread alone. But what
happens to man's desires when there is plenty of bread and when
his belly is chronically filled at once other and higher needs
emerge. And these rather than a physiological hungers dominate the
organism, and when these in turn are satisfied, again, new and
still higher needs emerge, and so on. This is what we mean by saying
that the basic human needs are organized into a hierarchy of
relative potency. So he identified these, it's kind of, if you want
to read it, from the bottom going up, but he his theory was
basically that if you satisfy any human beings, basic physiological
needs first, right, then their next needs that you want to,
they're naturally going to want to have met our safety, right? And
then love and belonging, and then esteem, and then self
actualization. So it works in this hierarchy. And if at any point, a
need isn't being met somewhere in this hierarchy, then we're
stunted. Our growth, our developmentally in terms of you
know, just becoming, the better versions of ourselves is stunted
because of that. And so this is important to understand, because a
lot of our stress, right?
I'm sorry, which one? Physiological. So physiological
needs are like we said, food, water, air sleep, right, the very
basic. So I know the graph Oh, actually, I'm sorry, the graphic
is here. So the graphic is, it's small, but you can kind of get it
here. It's just the basic breathing food, water, air, and
all the necessities just to exist. And then security would be or
safety would be security of body of employment of resources, okay,
of the health of your property. So this is really important, because
if you look at a lot of the stress that parents are under, I would
say a lot of it has to do with maybe this second need right
safety, a lot of parents have a difficulty, you know, especially
here in the Bay Area, we live very, very stressful lives, right?
Getting from one place to another is difficult work, just family,
it's just a intense environment to live in. So a lot of people may,
it may be that their say, their need for safety, as described by
this sort of hierarchy isn't being met, and therefore just kind of if
you think about that, how is it going to impact their parenting?
Right? So you want to look to yourself and say, Where am I this
is what it means to get in touch with your needs? Where am I in
this hierarchy? Are my needs being met? Or am I you know, is there
something missing and therefore, it's actually, you know, kind of
seeping into my relationships, you know, maybe I'm, I'm a little bit
more, you know, just, you know, on edge, when it comes to my
household, so, I walk into the house, and I bring in all that
stress and negativity, because this very basic human need isn't
being met. And then beyond that, you know, once though
Alhamdulillah these needs are met, what is the what is it say, and
then you move on to the next basic need, which is love and belonging,
so people so basically, if you, if your basic physiological needs are
being met, and then hamdulillah your, your safety and security and
sense of security is being met, then the next thing that you
naturally are going to want to pursue is love belonging. So, you
start to focus on your relationships more, you know, it's
really hard for someone, for example, who's having financial
difficulty, to maybe focus on, you know, extended family
relationships, right, they're like, I need to work I need to
survive, I can't go visit, you know, this family member and his
family member and his family, right. But hamdulillah if you have
a certain sense of safety in that regard, then you're like more you
know, likely to be open to to, to working on you know,
relationships, and then once inshallah you feel like
Hamdulillah you know, your relationships, you kind of have a
certain, you know, rhythm there and you're you're able to manage
those relationships, you know, you have friendships that are secure
your family life Alhamdulillah is going well, then the natural need
that you want to meet next is your esteem. And this has to do with
now you're looking more inward, right? Like all of my other
external responsibilities, obligations of hamdulillah I've
taken care of them. Now I want to start you know, working on myself
so this is where you might want to pursue more mastery of different
things whether it's taking on classes, or skill sets, maybe as
being a little bit more you know, just adventurous in terms of
whatever you're interested in needs are maybe you know, but but
really working on on boosting your
own sort of self worth self esteem, self confidence in those
areas, but by by expanding right in your own self, so it's very
inward process. And then as you start to do that more and more,
then what Maslow is suggesting is you become this self actualized
person, which is you morally creative creatively, you have kind
of reached, really the best version of yourself. And there's
all these different qualities that he's identified.
The people who are self actualized, will have. So, you
know, and we'll get to those details on a second. But again,
this is just really important to understand. Because if you're if
your basic needs aren't being met, then it's going to be very
difficult for you to be an effective parent, that's really
the gist of this, right. And then, you know, knowing your own
hierarchy or not knowing where you are on the hierarchy is important,
but also children, because there's also a hierarchy of needs for
children. And this is also another really important thing that we
should understand. The children have also needs very similar but
important, slightly different, you know, physiologically, they need,
you know,
healthy food, for example, right?
Shelter, obviously, and they also need affection, children need
touch, you know, and there's, I mean, I remember a long time ago,
I watched, I don't know if it was 2020. But it was one of these
documentary shows, I think it was about an orphanage in Romania. And
they had shown all these infants, hundreds of them, who had never
been held who had never been touched before, because they just
didn't have the manpower to be able to tend to hundreds of
children. And they found that cognitively, these infants were
completely impacted, just because, you know, they just didn't have
human to human interaction and physical touch. I mean, it was
devastating, but we know the power of, of that. So young children,
this is really important, you know, that we show them affection.
And that, that's that we understand that that is a need of
theirs. And that's why even if you read certain articles about, you
know, temper tantrums, you know, if you have a toddler, throwing a
tantrum, the sort of authoritative model of parenting would would
just, you know, it's kind of like a, you know, they see it as a
fight, you know, or, you know, pull for power. So there's like
this struggle that happens between parent and child and parent gets
frustrated and child just kind of, you know, the tantrum goes on. But
they, they'll say to you that actually, sometimes the easiest
way to completely turn things around is just to hold and hug the
child. And that moment, you know, the clearly something is wrong,
you know, they don't feel safe. And that's why they're acting out.
And it might be some over a toy, or over a food or over a shoe, you
don't want to wear a particular shoe, it can be a number of
things. And so you think, oh, it's such a, you know, little thing,
but the child, there's something clearly wrong and in their state.
And so just to kind of bring back that sense of safety and security
for them, can completely alter their state and calm them down
from the and it's been an effective model that for a lot of
children, it doesn't always work, but for some children, that's all
they need. So just to understand the importance of that, and then,
you know, safety and security would be to make sure that as
parents we understand to make sure to you know, make certain that the
adults are caregivers, that we put them in touch with our you know,
our safe our you know, our would never harm them in any way but
also are just, you know, sensitive to children sometimes, you know,
we don't think about how that can also impact a child as if they're
around adults who don't necessarily want them around, you
know, so we should be careful to make sure that the company that we
expose our children to is safe in that regards to and then also you
know,
you know, having an understanding of protecting kids when in other
spaces like in cars, or you know, just sort of baby proofing the
home, kind of just being aware so those are just things that to give
a child a sense of safety and security, and then obviously free
from abuse, neglect access to health care, these are basic
things that all children need social needs would be
unconditional love, okay, so loving interaction with their
caregivers, room to explore and play and interaction with their
peers. So this is a need that all children have, they need a little
bit of that everything that they need to be in touch obviously with
their primary, you know, the caregivers or parents, but they
also need to be with their peers and they need spaces and time to
play and this is something that again, you know, I've seen time
and time again, there's some parents just, you know, want their
children to stand in line or you know, be in line always and they
don't understand children's energy, you know, little kids
under seven, for example, are in complete play mode.
That's just their, their mindset, they're in the world of play. And
so they want to run around, they want to, you know, explore things
and touch things and flip around and wrestle or whatever with their
friends. And so if you take them to a space that requires them to
just sit for hours and hours and hours, and then you punish them,
when they act like children, you're you're not, you know, you
need to understand better than it was, you know, that the choice of
bringing them to that environment wasn't the right choice. It's not
that they're misbehaving, or that they're acting out of line, right?
It's just that it's, it's not the appropriate place for that child's
needs are to be met. And then esteem, you know, children need
encouragement, they need protection from bullying,
discrimination. And they need respect, I think this is a big
thing that's also missing, unfortunately, sometimes, is this
idea that children should be respected. Because we see them,
you know, as little you know, what do they know, they don't know,
anything. And there are, you know, sometimes we see them as
extensions of ourselves. So we feel we can kind of talk to them
however way we want to. But that's, this isn't the Islamic
model, children deserve respect. And the prophesy said, I'm, if you
read he, he spoke to children with love with respect, he would
sometimes, you know, come down at their level, he would play with
them, he would run with them. And, you know, he treated them with
with compassion and love. And that's because he's teaching us
you know, that don't look down on them, just because they are, they
don't have you know, that you see them as, as being subordinate to
you honor them and respect them. So they need respect. And then,
obviously, they need discipline, but positive discipline, right. So
you don't just let them run wild. But when you do, correct them, you
correct them with with love. And that will reinforce positive self
esteem, because children, it's not that they, they can't respond, or
they don't, you know, the disciplining that word kind of, I
think, has a negative connotation. But if you really, you know, look
at, again, what they need, they need direction, they, they can't,
they need that from us, right, they need us to guide them. So
it's important that you, you understand that, but it's the way
that we do it, right, that's either gonna make them fall in
line and respect us and love us and connect, you know, strengthen
our bond or make them rebel and resent us. And so, you know,
parents who have, you know, kind of that problem with their
children, especially as they get older, you know, you look at how
it was done. And a lot of times, it was done harshly, you know, if
you're going to correct a child, and you do it with a strong voice
and intimidating voice, or posturing, or yelling, or, you
know, lewd language, which unfortunately, some parents do,
they just lose it in the moment, and they'll just, something will
come out, that's not going to be effective, right. So you kind of
have to go back and check yourself, and realize they need
discipline, it just has to be positive. And then self
actualization would be, again, creative pursuits, learning, life
skills, hobbies, so really nurturing their individuality
looking at them as individuals, which gets back to one of our
previous sessions, where we talked again, about knowing your child's
temperament really well, because each temperament is going to
reveal right, different qualities about them different interests,
that they may have, some temperaments are more again, just,
you know, they like, you know, social things. So, you know,
exposing your children who are social to those types of
activities, and letting them have bonding experiences, whereas other
children are more, you know, analytical and they kind of, you
know, are hands on, and they need to be in spaces where they can
actually be creative, and either its artistic or they build and
they do things again, that are that kind of tap into that but
knowing your child that well will will open up again, opportunities
for you to help them get to this place of self actualization. Now,
again, why is all this so important? Because, as Maslow
wrote about, he said that were identified he said that there are
certain characteristics of people who are self actualized errs, you
know, this sort of Pinnacle, when you've reached the height or the
the best version of yourself, you can see people who are like that
they have common traits. And so he identified some of them here, and
I just outlined some of them, but they perceive reality efficiently
and can tolerate uncertainty. Now, from a spiritual lens. What does
that mean?
If you can perceive reality efficiently and can tolerate
uncertainty, this is submission, right? This is Islam. Because you
know when you inshallah have that connection with Allah subhanaw
taala you
Just accept things, because you you believe, right? Although other
if all its willed, I submit to the will of Allah subhanaw taala. So
someone who becomes a self actualized person can do that
effectively, they just accept even if a loss happens or some other
test or tribulation, they don't fall apart, because Alhamdulillah
they have the solid foundation. So again, this is, you know, there,
he's using these terms, but we can look at it from a spiritual lens
to see what it really means. They accept themselves and others for
what they are. Tolerance, again, a huge this is a big part of our
faith, to be tolerant of other people and to not judge other
people. And to never think yourself are better than other
people to be welcoming. This is all part of our tradition. So if
you want that for First of all, you should want that for yourself
these qualities. But if you want these qualities for your children,
these are, you know, the things you want to pay attention to
problem centered, not self centered. Again, you know, want
for your brother, what you want for yourself, you know, being
selfless, these themes are constant in our tradition. So to
be a person who's always wanting to help other people, right to fix
situations for other people, and not always me, me, me, NFC, NFC,
this is part of our faith and have that we should all want that. But
again, if you're someone who is self actualized, you will
naturally have this quality. And there's quite a few more, but more
concerned for the welfare of humanity, very similar to the
previous one. Just have, you know, a giving nature, you're worried
about other people, you're always thinking about yourself,
democratic attitudes, strong moral, ethical standards, I mean,
subhanAllah, if all of these are not prophetic qualities, you know,
I don't know what are and that's why it's important to contrast.
Okay, so we have this list. And now let's look at our Prophet
sallallahu Sallam because it's important to see the reality of
who he was, you know, he was a sadaqa. I mean, the truthful and
trustworthy, never spoke a lie, ever. I mean, that's pretty
remarkable. And these are things that we should know. I mean, I
know we know them, but to really know them, is to, you know, to
obviously take it on for yourself, but also to relay that I mean,
when we talk about these things, emphasize that to your children,
like Subhan Allah, can you imagine that the prophets I said, have
never once said anything that was untruthful, I mean, that's pretty
amazing. Because we all lie, and it's unfortunate, but we do. And
here you have this human being who was known even way before he
became the Prophet of Islam, that that was his nickname, to have a
nickname, that identify this noble quality, he always stood for
forgiveness, or for righteousness, excuse me, for the righteous, He
never was involved in immoral activities. He always was endorsed
or, or was known for his honesty and credibility. So it's really
important to teach this to your children. Careful, you know, with
other people, He was compassionate with the poor, always lead, you
know, was was a was at the forefront, you know, when he led,
and he always adopted good manners, he never hurt anybody. I
mean, these are, there's so many Hadith that talk about how the
process would have never hurt people. Even if he had something
to relay that maybe, you know, it was in a sea high for them, he was
very careful in how he packaged things. But this is, you know,
these are qualities again, that we, we should be able to identify
we should want we should take on for ourselves. And just, you know,
for the stood for workers rights took stand for animal rights, you
know, and there's a list there. And then Reverend revolutionized
women's rights to find better rules. I mean, there's just so
many, and we could go on, this is just a list that I found. But
Michelle, if we actually took the time, we could spend four days
talking about all of his noble qualities. But why is this
important again, because when you look at this list of you know,
people who are self actualized, so much of what that means is
mirrored in Him and who he was right, because they're prophetic
qualities. And so these are the things that something so basic as
looking at your needs, looking at your children's needs, and really
understanding that hierarchy can open up the potential of of
getting to is you actually realize, okay, so this is the
process of how we become better meet these needs. And, you know,
and work on just, you know, building work on building and
getting higher and higher. And so, um,
and then, you know, this is just advice that he had about behavior
that leads to self actualization. So, and I thought this was just,
you know, really beautiful because children, the way that they
experience the world is, is innocent, but it's also with awe.
And, and I think it's, you know, it's part of fitrah when they when
you see a child looking at something new for the first time,
they have this immediate, you know, connection of where they're
just in awe
Ah, and I think unfortunately, as adults, as we grow older and
older, we lose that sense of awe. And it's sad, because when you
lose that sense of awe, and, you know and wonder about the world,
it's kind of like, you know, the world is the way I look at it,
it's like this light that we have, and it's just getting dimmer and
dimmer, because of the way the world is. And so we should try to
inculcate that sense of awe. And that's where, really, you know,
taking your time seriously, and finding moments of reflection is
really important. Because you can't be in a state of awe, if
you're constantly distracted, you just, it's not gonna happen, you
know, if you're, you know, there's people Subhanallah and we've seen
it, right, there's people who are standing, and I'm not judging
anybody individually, I know people, you know, all the but I'm
not doing that. But I'm just saying, just think of, of what it
would take for someone who's standing at the kava, for example,
for the first time, and they're, you know, looking at this
incredible structure and everything that it represents. But
then they're also at the same time, you know, snapping or, you
know, sending videos to friends and family about that. And I know,
people might do that, because they're trying to, you know, show
their loved ones. But I'm just saying, that's the degree of how
easily we're distracted that we can be standing in a structure
that magnificent, but then we lose ourselves. And so we have to self
regulate. And this gets back to one of, again, a core quality of
being emotionally intelligent, is that you know, how to self
regulate, which we'll talk about in a moment. But like really
having that ability to say, you know, what I need to, if I'm, in
the moment, doing something, whether it's praying or reading
Quran, or attending a class, I really need to just be in the
moment and let my heart open up, you know, let my heart open up to
whatever's happening. So that maybe I do have that aha moment,
you know, that moment of like, wow, where something's just sort
of hits you, you know, but you can't experience those things.
Again, if you're, it's so indulgent, right, that you give
into your every need and thought and distraction and you don't self
regulate so you gotta you we have to learn that skill set. But
experiencing life like a child to me means having that being in
constant state of wonder of Allah's process creation looking
out looking for, for for just the you know, if you're, you know,
waking up for example, if budget and you want to just kind of a
Kinect, I used to do this now it's rainy season, but there's, there's
great benefit and actually praying outside, you know, we're very
comfortable in our homes. But if you have the space, a balcony or a
backyard, try it one day, just go outside in that beautiful time of
fidget when it's like totally dark, and the birds are singing
and it's just you and you're connecting with the creation of
Allah Spada and see if that Fajr is anything like your regular
budget, which is rushed and like, you know, you want to get back
into bed because it's cold, right? But if you prepare and you just
really say, You know what I want to connect, I want to, you know,
have that just beyond the everything that I do every single
day, all the distractions, I want to kind of disrupt that and find
ways that's why people and I have friends who very regularly will go
on, you know, sort of retreats into the mountains I personally, I
know, there's no greater thing for me than when I go and just
disconnect I love to go to to where the trees are, I love trees,
I love mountains. You know, I love the water too. But my what really
impacts me is just to be in trees, I just love to be surrounded by
that greenery. And there's you know, science to back it up it has
immense effect on our our states when we're around in nature, just
touching grass, with our feet not walking on it with shoes is said
to have, you know, amazing effects, you know, just to
distress and just just just affects you in a positive way. So
we're very much connected to that but that's what you know, we
should look for experiences like that instead of just the same old
same old tired you know, routine that we get stuck on. Because the
world is you know is like I said it's a big huge distraction but if
we seek out these these experiences in a shallow we can
hopefully return to that state of like Subhan Allah, which is what
we should want. And that's kind of connected. Yes.
Yes, I think so. Yeah. Oh, maybe not. I'm sorry. Okay, so now okay.
Thank you.
Okay.
Oh, sure. You want to go back to that slide? Okay.
stood for workers rights. Yeah, these are I just want to make it
clear. I didn't put these together. I found them online but
I thought they were a good comprehensive list. And, sure, and
then this is the number five and six if you didn't get it.
And so then, you know, the next one is pretty kind of tied to this
where I try new things instead of stick
into safe path. So it's kind of just like looking for
opportunities taking initiative, not just, you know, falling into
routine, and then losing out on time when we there's so much time
that we waste listening to our own feelings and evaluating
experiences, instead of the voice of tradition. So, you know,
really, again, when you're self actualized, person, Hamdulillah,
you kind of inculcate the ability to discern, right from wrong, you
kind of you know, you just have that inner voice and shot law.
And, and these are, you know, things that will naturally lead to
that avoiding pretense, okay? And being honest, so people who are
self actualized don't need to be fake, you know, they don't wear
masks, they don't go from one group to the other, pretending to
be something they're not, they're just very comfortable in their
skin. And this is, again, all prophetic, everything we're
talking about here is really just following the son of the brothers.
Like I said, I'm an appreciating that he made it so easy for us, if
we just were to pay attention and follow it, but have the law, you
know, these lists are also helpful, because they, in
practical terms, kind of give us, you know, ideas of how to how to
do this, but just, you know, being a very honest person, a
transparent person, and being prepared to be unpopular. If your
views do not coincide with those of the majority, I think, you
know, this is something we really should teach our kids because they
are a minority, right. And they need to know that, you know, being
accepted into the majority, if it means compromising your beliefs
and your principles and who you are, that's not worth it, you
know, you that's not a message that they should, you know, you
need to just remind them, that it's very important that they
stand up for who they are, and that they, you know, have that
solid foundation in who they are otherwise, you know, they'll get
lost, you know, and, and just lose out on everything that you've
raised them with, and all the wonderful experiences, because
they're trying to accommodate everybody else, and make everybody
else happy, and then they lose themselves. And it was just not
not possible anyway. But something to, you know, remind them about
taking responsibility and working hard, and trying to identify your
defenses. So this is really important too, because that's your
ego, you know, you know, being in touch with your, to be a self
actualized person, you have to know where your own ego steps in,
you know, you have to be able to see it. If you're talking, you
know, in your in a situation with your family member, and you notice
your tone is rising, and you're getting defensive. And you know,
you just you're being critical. You should, if you're being called
out on that you should you should be, you know, think you're just
like, Okay, you should, you know, if you're self actualized anyway,
you'll accept that if someone reminds you, hey, you know, your
tone, you gotta watch your tone, you're getting a little too
aggressive here or, you know, you should be open to that type of
criticism. But if you're defensive and you make excuses for yourself,
even when you know, you're wrong, then clearly there's an issue
there. Are there any questions at this point? On any of this?
Okay, so then again, we're just kind of summarizing,
last sessions, slides just to kind of bring everybody up to speed.
And one of the sort of takeaways that I had for people was to do
this with their children, which is to it's just an exercise we can
all do called, you know, code of honor, where they help we help
them understand virtues, and there should be certain words, that you
study together as a family with your children, words that are tied
very much to, again, the prophetic model and to what every Muslim
should, should, you know, should take on virtues. virtues like
honor, nobility, chivalry, silence, gratitude, fortitude,
modesty, we should do studies around what these words mean, like
what does that mean to you? And really get our children fluent in
this vocabulary, you know, because it's, if we want them to embody
these qualities, but they're they don't know even how to identify
these terms in real practical ways, and connect it with their
behavior if you see your child do something honorable
tell them mashallah, you know, that was a real great example of
honor. Don't just say good job, son. Good job, daughter, you know,
we kind of are, we use very easy convenient language sometimes, but
when we limit them in their understanding when we do that, but
if you expand their understanding to associate these beautiful
qualities directly with their behavior, you're likely to have
them repeat that behavior. When they give, for example, a piece of
candy or something of that they really you know, a treat that they
really are enjoying and they share it with their you know, sibling,
you know,
Masha Allah, tell them that was such a generous, beautiful act of
yours. You know, so much like the prophets listen and try to think
of a hadith immediately if you can, that connects with that act,
so that every time they make a really positive choice, you're
reminding them you're behaving, you're reminding me of the
prophesy centum? And how is that such a positive way of reinforcing
that behavior? Right, gratitude, fortitude. So all of these
qualities are really important to actually teach these terms, I
mean, to actually teach them as terms to your children, and then
to use them regularly in your, you know, discussions with them. And
then another thing is to assign them each the task of creating
their own personal code of honor. So this would be like an exercise
like, Okay, what is how do you, you know, you see yourself,
you know, through after, you know, kind of going over all these
terms, what would be your own code of honor that you want to begin,
you know, to sort of practice, you know, and share that with me? Are
there certain things that you want to regularly do, and share me
share with those share, you know, with me what those are, what are
things that practices that you want to start doing, but helping
them come up with that, so then they hold themselves accountable,
like, this is the way that I want to behave? For example, I don't
want to curse or use foul language, okay? This is really
important. If they take that on as their own personal code of honor.
It's not something that you're telling them don't curse, but they
say, I'm going to put this on my list, then they'll hold themselves
accountable, because it's their list, right? Well, this is your
code of honor. You said you're not going to curse anymore, or you
will, you won't use bad language, not just cursing. Because, you
know, there's other words that are, you know, that are just low,
it's low language that is very popular among children, you know.
And so if you get them again, into those good habits, but to identify
those habits that they want to take on for themselves, and then
you reinforce them, that that was your own list, it's very different
than you just telling them don't do that. That's bad. That's bad.
It's different because you're holding them or making them hold
themselves accountable. I mean, hold themselves accountable to
their own list. Okay. So that was sort of, you know, the summary of
last session now, for today.
Again, oh, yeah, please.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, that's a great question. If there's no, I mean, as long as
they're, you know, the consequences are not harsh on
them. But there's always room for, you know, improvement, and you're
encouraging them to just try again, then they won't see it as,
as you're labeling them or something negative that they did,
right. So it's really the way that you package it, but I think it's
really important for them, yes, to learn from their mistakes, and
that at every point, if they do something that they, you know,
shouldn't have done, that you gently guide them to correct the
behavior, and just remind them listen, and that's why as parents,
we should always come back on ourselves, you know, and talk
openly with your children that I make mistakes. So one of the
golden rules of parenting is to apologize if you make a mistake,
you know, don't think that oh, I'm above my children, they should I'm
not going to say sorry. To them. This is terrible. If you make a
mistake, apologize for it. I'm really sorry, I did that I'm
really sorry. I said that mommy made a mistake Baba made a mistake
software, Allah, we shouldn't have done that. May Allah forgive us,
this type of humility is what teaching them a that you are see
your own mistakes as well that you're not just, you know,
standing on your, you know, you know, Tower, like looking down at
them, and you you see yourself above them, but that you see
yourself but also modeling what you want for them to do for
themselves, which is having humility, being able to recognize
their mistakes, but model it for them, you know, it's, you can't
expect them to apologize to you, when they make a mistake or
recognize their own if you don't do that ever, right. And then
especially as they get older, and we talked about this in previous
sessions, but all these things that we do when they're younger,
they will come back to somehow you know, reflect whether or not it
was effective or not, it'll come back in later years, you'll see it
you know, and just be patient and show that you're doing the right
thing, but I you know, I see it with parents who are very harsh in
their tone and very just, you know, like I said that
authoritative, really strict model, then they wonder why their
children later on in life, you know, in their teen years are
really, you know, rebellious and they're slamming doors and they're
just, you know, fighting them on every single
saying it's because the model was was, you know, set very early in
their life. And they saw they saw how to do it, you taught them. So,
you know, we have to stop that from happening.
So thank you for that question, though. So for today, you know,
just again, summarize, in the very first session, we talked about the
five characteristics of an effective leader. And these are
certain qualities that we all should want, which are strong
communication, passion and commitment, positivity,
innovation, and collaboration.
And, you know, just these are things that we should all possess,
but they'll, you know, in different areas, they'll come out.
And so, just going back to that earlier slide,
here,
for today for this conference, this part of the session, I wanted
to talk about the potential dangers and threats. So what are
the greatest threats and dangers? What do you guys think right now,
if I asked you, what are children? What are the greatest threats? For
children? What would you say?
So entitlement.
Okay, entitlement abundance, entitlement having too much of
everything. Okay. Mashallah. Anybody else? Yes. But self
identity, very good. self identity? Yes. Pressure? Peer
pressure? You mean? Yeah. Peer pressure? Yeah, it's a big common
one. What else?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, absolutely. There's definitely an attack on on
religion, right. And there's, or just faith in general, you know,
not just Islam. But faith in general, a lot of people are being
attacked that way, very good. From the lab. So, um, you know, I've
identified here that some of the threats are not all, but we have
the first one here, I put as a combination of shaytaan, and
knifes. You know, a lot of the parents that I talk to, they're
very overwhelmed, very exhausted. And they usually have some
external problem, whether it's bad company, or a lot of times now,
it's social media and devices. And they're always, like, what do I
do, and that's what, where they think the problem lies, you know,
and these external things, but if you really get down to the core
issue, it's this issue of what not being able to self regulate, you
know, the knifes were just were created weak, we know this from a
spiritual perspective. And we need to teach our children as well that
listen, you have this nature about you, that is going to fall weak.
And you need to learn how to control it when it behaves
impulsive impulsively, because in addition to this nature within
you, there's also this other, you know, clear presence that we have,
we might not see him, but we have to teach our children shaitan is
real, and to really help them realize how the combination of
these two working together affects their ability to control
themselves. Right, because when they don't have that, all of these
other things that we've talked about will affect them, whether
it's bad company, peer pressure, you know, just abundance, all the
things that were mentioned, it will affect them if they don't
themselves know how to, to identify their own weaknesses and
shortcomings. So what is self regulation?
Again, um, you know, let's look at this term because we should
understand it self regulation, regulation is the ability to
manage your emotions and behavior in accordance with the demands of
the situation. Okay? It includes being able to resist highly
emotional reactions to upsetting stimuli to calming yourself down
when you get upset to adjusting to a change in expectations and to
handle frustration without an outburst. It is a set of skills
that enables children as they mature, to direct their own
behavior towards a goal despite the unpredictability of the world
and our own feelings. This is so important because this is what
every parent wants, where they want their children to be able to
control themselves, but then they don't realize that's something
they need to learn how to do. You know, new foods were all new
foods, but if you don't give your children the tools to be able to
do this, then you can expect them but unfortunately, our
expectations are so high of them. That it's like a vicious cycle.
You know, they do something that upsets us because they
didn't maybe, you know, exhibit self control, and then we punish
them, and then you know, kind of spirals from there, and it just
keeps going and going and going. But if we stop and say, Wait a
second, I have a lot of expectations from this child, who
yes, the world is like this, you it's like a buffet to them, you
know, they have, you know, access to so many things now, and
everything looks just so exciting because our children, you know,
they don't, so they need to know how to navigate the world and see
it for what it is from a spiritual lens, and how to realize that
there are certain limitations, you know, within themselves and what
those limitations are. And also enemies, I mean, we have a very
clear and present enemy, the prime I was probably has more in this
time and time, again, he is doing well being he is your greatest
enemy, and he will inspire and he will, you know, cause you to do
things that you shouldn't do. But if we don't make that a reality
for our children, we kind of just, you know, I don't know, she sounds
kind of like a boogeyman that we only mentioned, you know, here and
there, but we don't talk about it, how it's a daily struggle, and
that they have to really take responsibility for their own
behavior. And to understand how it how it sort of all works, what
does it all mean? Because they're curious, you know, my children
always asked me like, Can chiffon do this, because they don't do
that, you know, I have to frame it for them. No, he doesn't have
power, all he can do is whisper to us, and you know, plant sort of
ideas in our mind. But ultimately, it's our own knifes, right? That
reacts to him and, and follows through, or inshallah is able to
see what's happening and then fight off his his whispers. But
you know, children need to, again, know this. So this is an important
word term to know. And then just to kind of again, contrast it,
what does emotional dysregulation look like? So for some kids, you
know, if they're not, if they don't know how to regulate, they
are highly reactive. So this is if you have children, who are, they
get really upset, angry, if you take away something from them, and
then they start fighting you on it, they don't have strong
regulation skills, you know, they just do self regulation skills.
And then for other kids, it might be something that builds up, where
it's a slow build up, you know, they might be upset, but they
don't quite react harshly in the beginning, and then all of a
sudden, it's sort of like they blow up. Now, I thought this was
interesting, because if you remember from our discussion on
temperaments, right, this very much relates, right, which is why
it's so important to know your children's temperament, whether
they're reactionary or not, because it will affect how they
learn the skill set of being a person who can self regulate or
not, if their temperament is reactive, they're probably going
to have a harder struggle. Okay, so if you know your child, and
you're like, wow, they're like, intense personality types, they,
they get at the anger quickly, then this will be a struggle for
them in certain areas, but But still, the information is
knowledge, you know, so when you know this, it's not to get down on
it, but it's more like, okay, how can I use this information to help
them and then again, for other kids, it might, you know, be a
slower process, but they may, you know, sort of, you know, kind of,
if you see a child, and they you can see them closing up, they
become very constricted, they pull away, they, you know, they just,
they, they, it's almost like,
you know, they're it's, it's their way of dealing with it, but they
kind of know, to withhold from you is a way of punishing you, right?
So they shut you out. And a lot of parents feel very affected by
that, you know, it's like, I've had moms who were like, My child
was my best friend. And now, she barely talks to me, you know, they
don't, that we don't talk about because I took something away, or
I've imposed this limitation or impose this rule. Children know,
you know, that they can hurt you that way. And so if you have a
child who might not have an outburst, but they know to pull
away from you, then you have a different temperament. But this is
again, important, because if you want to teach them how to self
regulate, you need to first know what you're dealing with, right.
And so
it says your child's innate capacities for self regulation are
temperament and personality based. Some babies have trouble self
soothing, he adds and get very distressed when you're taking when
you're trying to bait them or put on clothes, those kids may be more
likely to experience trouble with emotional self regulation when
they're older. So again, I mean, just to see Subhanallah it's all
connected, you know, to how even an infant behaves, can kind of
give you a clue about how later on the they might struggle in certain
areas. But this is just really important to pay attention to and
when we talk again about you know, effective parenting it's pay it's
looking at this information and applying
get to where your children are at, do you see certain patterns in
their behavior? Do you see certain things that are kind of like, oh,
you know, lightbulb, like, oh, okay, I do see that, you know,
them doing that, then it kind of again informs you on how to deal
with it.
Let's see. So
any questions about this?
Okay, all
right. Very good. So there's, you know, we talked about modeling,
and we'll, we'll talk about how to help them. But for, in my
experience, I think when you break things down for children, and you
really, you know, teach them these things, as opposed to telling them
and ordering them, it's very different, right? Because it's
like, you're, you're letting them know, that this is, you know, this
is how you like, almost kind of created you this way. And this is,
you know, these are the things that you're going to struggle
with. But you know, at least being open and having those open
conversations, I think a lot of parents, when they look at
parenting, it's like this control thing, it's like they want they
wish they could have this remote control to make their kids do you
know, this and that. But I think it's a lot better if you actually
just sit with your child, and you explain to them listen, and that's
why, you know, if you watch the previous sessions we talked about,
you know, that discovery process is really important to go through
with your children. Because once you start getting them in touch
with who they are, and giving them words, like, Listen, this is your
temperament type, this is your personality type, you know, and
giving that kind of identifying and labeling certain behaviors,
then when you present this topic of self regulation, it's like a
study, you know, it's not a, I'm trying to just, you know, control
you and make you do something, it's like, Listen, you and I,
we're actually in the same boat, I'm older than you, but I'm
enough, just like you are, right? I was fine that has given me and
you the same test, I'm older than yours, I'm more experienced than
you. So that's why I'm trying to work with you. But let's do this
together. And so that's why when I say you know, really breaking
things down for children, I it's very effective if you do it,
because what you're doing is you're respecting them, you're
respecting their intellect, you're actually, you know, telling them
that I you know, I'm giving you this information, not because I
necessarily, you know, I see you as equal to me, we're not I'm
older than you, I'm a parent, but I believe that you have the
capacity to understand it, right? I mean, if you look at, you know,
traditionally speaking children, mashallah, there's kids all over
the world who are learning very high level stuff at a very young
age, you know, and they get it, but I think, unfortunately, we
kind of dumb them down in this culture. And we think there's
things that are too above their understanding. And so then we just
end up talking down to them. And we wonder why it's not being
received. It's because of our transmission style. But if you
respect children and say, Listen, this is just the way it is, you
know, it's kind of like, if they had a physical problem, and you
know, and you were, you know, giving them you know, the doctor
had a sort of regimen for them, and you told them, Listen, you
know, in order to heal, you need to eat this much a day, you know,
and kind of break things down. They'll get that right because
they understand there's a physically a problem, and this is
how we resolve it. So the same when it comes to spiritual issues
or emotional issues, when they, you know, have a problem that you
can identify, you want to approach it like, listen, we're all in this
together. I'm I love you, and I want to help you through this so
that you don't you're not affected the way you know, I was maybe or
the you could be if I if you don't know this, do you have a question?
Yes.
Yes.
So that's what we're talking about. So the tools that you
wanted to give to your children are under having them have a clear
understanding of who they are, how they work, okay, and what I mean
by that, is, there's a physical component, emotional component,
and spiritual component, you have to address these things from that
place, like listen, you know, you're not just a kid that just
goes out, goes to school plays, plays video games, while you know,
don't look at yourself in that limited lens, you're much more
important than that. So having really like in depth conversations
about their nature is really important to help them understand
why when you say put the device away it's not good for you that
they understand you know, that they're that you're appealing to a
side of them that they might not be aware of their knifes, right
like you're you need to speak in these terms, break things down for
them. Like I'm worried that if you
Um, take control of your knifes you can have, you know, this can
become it can kind of spiral and you something can happen to you.
Like, for example with my children. I mean, when they were
very young, I introduced the idea of the word addiction to them. I
wanted them to know what addiction means. Because even though it's a
word that it's like, oh, it's, you know, what would a five year old
do with that word, right? But I wanted them to know, listen,
unless panda created us weak. And if you do something too much, you
can actually lose control. And then that thing is like, is
controlling you, whatever it is, if it's eating, right, if it's
playing excessively on your phone, if it's, you know, doing anything,
if you do too much of it, it can end up controlling you. And so
addiction is something we should not do, we should not indulge, but
how do we protect ourselves, right? We self regulate, we stop
at a certain point, we don't indulge always this need to want
to do everything. So they they understand and they have the law,
they understood that word. So now anytime they do something to a
point of excess, I'll remind them, you know, remember what we talked
about the knifes the knifes is weak and it's going to make you
want to keep doing it and doing it doing it kind of like if you if
you want candy and you eat too much of it, what happens you get
physically sick, right? Well, with the knifes if you do something
that's not good, you're gonna get emotionally or spiritually sick.
So they kind of again, understand, but the tools are really in
communication. So, you know, there's, there's no magic
potion to this, you know, it's a matter of explaining and really
communicating effectively to your children. And so part of the next
step would be to actually as, as I mentioned, talking about shaitan
not as just this scary entity, but breaking down how he works. What
does shape on do? How does he do it
I want nothing,
I'm worth nothing. Subhanallah I mean, that's tragic. But see, this
is where again, you have to break down stuff, realize your worth so
much, you know, remind them of who they are, bring that, you know,
just look at it, go through and remind them Subhan Allah, Allah
Sparta could have created you into anything, you know, but he created
you as a human being he gave you the highest, you know, level, even
if you if you reach your highest potential, you you, you can be
above the angels, you know, but they need reminders like that.
And, I mean, that's, you know, we can we can talk about that
further. But these are things that clear communication can be very
effective and getting through to children, you know, we just have
to know how to, to word things and how to appeal to their
understanding. But breaking things down I think is what I I really
encourage parents to do instead of just speaking in general terms or
just giving orders alive. We're very very good at just do as I say
Just do as I say don't ask me why. But no, sometimes children need to
understand why you know, if you if that's your model, just tell them
what to do and they better do it. And then you wonder why they don't
respect you and why they don't do it. It's probably because you
haven't convinced them convinced them you know, get into their
rational mind and help them see and give them the benefit of the
doubt that they would actually understand. Yes.
Yes please
right
right
right
thanks exactly
right.
Absolutely, and that's that's empowerment when you're constantly
right, to reminding them of their potential and reminding them that
yes, if they access this or if they do this, they can reach that
level of understanding. So thank you. That's exactly you know,
what, what when we talk about tools, it's really just giving
them more, I think credit that even though they're small, not
limiting them to think that oh, they don't need to know
This, you know, yeah, there's certain things that age
appropriate, you don't need topics you don't need to talk about, but
don't limit their understanding of things that are, that are helpful
to them. Because it's very helpful for them to understand their
nature, and to understand how they, you know, their relationship
with Allah, and what external factors there are that that impact
their behavior, what internal, you know, shortcomings or strengths
they have, it's important for them to know this stuff. But, you know,
back to this shaytaan is something that really, we should be able to
break down for children and help them understand how he works,
because we just say, Oh, he whispered, well, what does that
mean? Well, he compels you to towards wrong action. So every
single time you do something that you know, you shouldn't do, be
aware that perhaps, especially, you know, as children move out of
fitrah, and they're in that age of, you know, discernment, and
they know, right from wrong, that you were, you know, under attack,
you know, that shaytaan is whispering to you, and you have a
choice to either follow through with what he's saying, or listen
to that other part of you. And that conscience, you know, that
tells you Oh, no, I'm gonna get in trouble. I shouldn't do it.
That's, that's the part of you that beautiful part of you, that
you should also know about your role, that part of you, that is
always longing for all law, that's always wanting to be better. Know
that part of you, as well. And know, when you're in that
struggle, you have a choice to make, are you going to listen to a
bliss who just wants to take you down? Where are you going to, you
know, fight him off, even if it's a struggle for you. But actually
breaking things down, he deceives you, right, he's a liar. So he
will distort things, he will make things appear not as they are, for
example, that I am your enemy. If you ever have a thought that I'm
against you, as a parent, just because I withhold something from
you know, with certainty, that's from shade on your teenagers
especially should know that I can't tell you how many times
especially after events like this, or any of the events that I do
now, I'll get a lot of parents coming up after me with concerns
because their teenagers are just, you know, very angry with them.
They don't know how to deal with them, you know, they don't know
how to deal. And it's like Subhanallah, the fact that the
child is indulging these thoughts of anger towards their parent is a
problem because they need to realize what's what's the source
of that, right, any negative thought towards this, these two
people who have taken care of you, loved you, nurtured you since you
were an infant. And now just because they don't give you your
phone, you can actually build up hatred out of an eye towards them.
That's horrible. But they need to identify not to blame, you know
them necessarily, because they're under attack, no. shaytani finds
ways, this is what he does. And so he's he's, he knows what he's
doing. But let them identify stuff. While you're right. I'm so
sorry, I, you know, I, you know, just kind of again, come out of
that state, and realize that this is all deception, he wants to make
you think that we are your enemies, that we are strict, and
that we're so harsh, and that all these other parents are so nice,
because they let their kids do this and this and so he creates
these crazy stories, and then they're convinced of that. So
every time you you say no, or don't do this, they're, you know,
he's they're under that, you know, that spell, he's deceiving them,
confuses them, you know, they need to understand if they're ever in
a, you know, moment where they're just not sure about something and
then again, they find themselves doing something that they
shouldn't do, he's likely confused their understanding of Islam of,
of your parenting, you know, you know, the rules in your house,
just if he wants to, again, cause that sort of disarray, he angers
them. So this is connected to again, what we said earlier, but
if they have real serious anger, whether it's towards their
siblings or anybody else, they need to, you know, identify the
source of that anger. So, when we talk about self regulation, anger,
you know, is one of the diseases of the heart and which we'll talk
about next. This is very important to have these conversations with
your children identify a your you know, how almost kind of designed
you identify the enemies that are around you and within you, and
then now know how to work on them. So, but anger is a big one, which
we'll talk about. He entices us to illicit behavior. So anytime
you're doing anything inappropriate, this has shaped on
and it's not a scapegoat when it's what's children because as adults
when you've done something 100 times Okay, that's fair enough,
okay. But remember with children, they are under attack because
shape ons ammo or his signature style is what you know. This is
important to know how do you differentiate between your
enough's and che THON?
You're enough as a repeat offender. Okay? So if you're doing
the same thing over and over again, for 10 years, you can't say
shit on me, we do it, okay, that's just you that's on you, you're
enough since habituated to something wrong, and you need to
take responsibility for it. But if you've never done something
before, and then shaitan inspires you to do it, this is a bliss,
because he's not interested, once you've already habituated
something, it's like his job is done in that area, he's gonna move
you on, because he wants you to progressively worsen. So that's,
you know, for adults, this is how it is. But for children, they're
new. You right there, they're in fifth grade, they're pure. They're
new to this, you know, sort of a game that he plays, you know, so
he's gonna attack by encouraging them to do you know, everything
that's, that's harmful. And so when we remind them that this is a
bliss, it's not, you know, scapegoating. It's actually the
truth, and then tell them but if you keep falling into that, then
that's your enough's. You see, now you're giving them clear,
something clear to work with, how do I differentiate, right? But
this is how you break something down for them, empowering them,
right. And then the purification of the heart, this is the next
step, if you really want to talk about tools, this is a major
component of it. Once you've identified all these threats and
dangers, the next thing is to say, now let's look at internally what
each of us and to include yourself in the conversation. If you're
going to sit there and do an exercise where you're quick to
point out all of their flaws and faults, be willing to identify the
same in yourself, say, you know, it just like you know, sometimes
you have, you know, a problem with anger. Mommy has that too. You
know, I get upset sometimes. And I kind of I need to work on that.
Maybe we can look at that section together and look at how can we
both because we're both afflicted, it's like, you know, that's just
the reality. And that's why when you study these things, instead of
coming to the your child and pointing fingers and labeling and
name calling, and coming from that anger, Engel, excuse me, it's a
very different experience. Because it's inclusive language. It's
like, you know what, we're all in the same boat. We're all servants
of Allah, we're all weak. We're on enough's. Allah has given us all
these different challenges. But guess what, my challenge might be
different than your challenge. But we're all doing we're all chat
being challenged. But let's Alhamdulillah look to the tools
that we have. Our faith Alhamdulillah has the answers, we
have the perfect example of the process. And let's look at what
we've been guided to how to remedy these things. So here, you know,
learning these diseases are very important. I think there's a total
of in the purification of the heart, actually, here's the text
for those who have never seen it before, but I highly encourage you
to get it. This is a show from the use of did the translation of
this. But how many of you have this book? Okay, if you don't have
it, you should get it immediately. This is an wonderful book to use
as a self as a study for yourself and for your children. But it goes
over I want to say 28 Maybe diseases 26 or 28 diseases, but
I've just put out a few here. Hatred, okay love of the world
envy, anger, ostentation, which is you know, pride or showing off
seeking reputation miserliness, vanity, I mean, these are things
children are experiencing right now. Social media alone, love of
the world, and V. Okay. ostentation seeking reputation,
vanity, you got all of these things that they are engaged with
on a day to day basis are tapping in to these serious diseases of
the heart, and they don't even know. We're not empowering them?
Of course, adults Well, that's why this parent, when we talk about
these workshops, everything we're talking about really should be for
ourselves first, because then we can effectively teach our
children. So you're right. It is for adults first but but when we
talk about our kids, and how much they're struggling with things, if
they don't know that human beings are afflicted with a certain set
of real serious spiritual afflictions, then how do you
expect them to self regulate when they are out in the world when
they're in high school or when they're in college? When they're
on social media? How do you expect them to control themselves? If
we've never given them the language or the understanding of
who they are, where their weaknesses are and how a
Hamdulillah we have a tradition that has the remedies? We just
need to follow through. Right? But unfortunately, we don't know these
things ourselves. And then all what happens is this vicious cycle
of reacting to each other. So we don't
Know something, we don't understand something. And then our
children do something we don't like, we get angered, we react,
they get angry, they react, and it's just this crazy cycle. How do
you disrupt the cycle, we're in this together, team effort,
please, I love you, I don't want you to hurt, I don't want you to
go through things, you know, painful things, I want to protect
you. And I also need help, I need you to look out for me, you're my
child, you know, you can teach me a thing or two. So let's do this
together. But this collaborative sort of approach to these topics,
is much more effective than top down. Top down is what's hurting
us. It's what's hurting our community. And I see it all the
time with parents who just don't know what to do, because their
kids have shut them out. They don't want to listen to them, they
don't want to talk to them. And they're just like, helpless,
collaborate, you know, collaborate, come together, and
try to bring yourself in, you know, really, to that level of
like, you know, I need this just as much as they needed. You know,
we need this together. And Sharla So
any other questions about this? Oh, another book that I also
brought, you know, because this is about character development, you
know, it's about really becoming, you know, we talked about self
actualized people, and we talked about trying to be prophetic.
We're talking about building strong character. But how do we do
that again, unless we know what the content of a strong character
is. So here's another book Showhomes again, Mashallah. He put
together a book that it just summarizes, it's a very simple
sort of resource to go to and to study with your children over all
of the beautiful characteristics or qualities of good character
that you want for yourself and for your children. This is the kind of
textbook that every home should have, but also family should study
together. Because you can all learn from it, you know, you go
through a hadith and it's got the Arabic it's got the English
mashallah, but it covers everything. Islam is clean. So
cleanse yourself for only the cleanse shall enter paradise. You
can have an entire discussion on that. What does that mean? Let's
talk about you know why it's important to be clean.
Consideration is from God and haste is from the devil. I mean,
that's a huge one. Because in our world today, kids everything's so
quick, right? Everything's instant instant gratification, instant
access to everything. Here's the Hadith. Taking things slowly being
considered is from Allah subhanaw taala. Haste is from the agilon
ministry THON haste is from the devil. Let's talk about that. You
know, yes.
You can find these books online, the Rumi bookstore, there's a
store right here in Dublin and also in Fremont. But they're
available everywhere. Mashallah. This one is called the Content of
Character ethical sayings of the Prophet Muhammad. And then this is
purification of the heart. But these are textbooks that
Subhanallah you have these in your homes and you dinner time, I
swear, just try it, pull it out, open the conversation when you're
having dinner, and just see what happens to you and take a picture.
Okay, Michelle, take a picture. Um, of course.
But again, you know, very good resources for families to have in
their home inshallah. So, are there any questions? Yes.
Yeah.
Um, you know, if you can message me off, because off the top of my
head, I can't think of anything, but I can send you Yeah, something
and shall I'm sure I have them, I have a lot of stuff at home, but
I'll send it to you. So she was asking about how to effectively
communicate with your children. I think you know, the fluency of how
to, you know, communicate with your children, honestly, the first
part of it has to come with being very well versed in who you are,
you know, so if you watch the previous sessions, that Self
knowledge is really important, because once you become very well
versed, like, for example, in the science of the temperaments, it's
a great tool to use to, to speak, you know, yes, to speak about
these things. Yes. And so if you're very well versed in
yourself, then you can explain it to your children. So there's a
book called the temperament that God gave you, you can look at that
book. You can find it online anywhere else on the library's
usually have copies of that. But that's a great book. And I did
provide some resources in previous sessions as well. So if you if you
look at those videos, I have that that would be a good place to
start.
Are there any other questions or comments? Michelle? I know there's
a lot of insights that you some of you have shared before and I
welcome that. So if you have any insights Yes.
Right, I think I did.
pends on the relationship you have with your child, you know, if if
your relationship is, you know, where you just speak in those
types of very short sentences, and this is it, and I'm, you know, a
Topic is over subject is ended. And there's really no clear like
line of understanding between you and the child or respect between
you the child, you just like, Hollis, you know, I said it, it is
what it is, I don't know if that's effective, to be honest with you.
Because as your children get older, you know, I think the more
we inculcate respect and mutual respect to the better, you know,
we talked about in the previous sessions, but every period has a
theme, so in the early years, they really need to play, okay, so
between zero or, you know, birth and seven, you play with your
children, so you want to be really friendly and open with them.
between seven and 14, this is the period of teaching. And so
teachers, the most effective teachers are not the ones that who
just, you know, discipline, but actually really connect with their
children, right. So you want to teach in that way where you're
really bonding with them, and that they see you as someone that they
enjoy, you know, learning from, and then from 14 on this is
befriending them. So if you look at these three periods, play,
teach and befriend, there's really, I don't think room in
there for just this authoritative model of parenting, it's just it's
not part of our tradition, it's very, very open, loving atmosphere
that in each stages is being is trying to is being encouraged, you
know, it's to look at children where they're at, and to really
give them what they need. So you have to know that, but I don't
know, in my experience, I'm not a fan of that type of parenting, to
be honest, where you're just like I said, it, just do it. I think
children should be respected enough to where they understand
where you're coming from, and the intention behind what you're
saying. And that cannot happen if you're not willing to communicate.
So a lot of times, though, people who have that model are just not
about communication, they want to say, we don't have one line, and
it's understood and everybody falls in line. It's kind of like a
military sort of, you know, approach to parenting. But I don't
know if that's effective. i To be honest, I've never I haven't seen
that have long term effective. I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but in my
experience, I don't know if that's effective, yes.
The power of wine ice
Oh, nice. I love that, I'll have to look that up.
Simon Sinek, the power of y. I mean, I right away from the title,
I can see that it's, I'm sure beneficial, but I agree. 100%. I'm
100. I've been teaching for a long time, I have two children, but I
have nieces and nephews. And I just feel like when you reason
with children, and you sit down and you talk with them, they will
respect you and you. And you know, there's two ways of parenting, you
can either command respect or you can demand respect. And I think
commanding respect is much more in line with our tradition than
demanding. If you have to demand it, then you're not you're not
doing it effectively. But when you command it, it means you've
created a relationship with the child, where they trust you. They
trust your intentions, they respect you. And that can't happen
if you're talking down to them all the time. And unfortunately, many
of our cultures, this is what we're taught that kids don't know,
they just, you know, I just tell them what to do. And, you know,
kind of dismissive attitude towards children. And I really
think it's very, very damaging. And it's, in my opinion, it's one
of the reasons why I feel like so many parents are struggling
because it's it's an ineffective model. And you can undo it,
though, don't think it's not it's too late and stoplight in short,
it's never too late. Always have more. Just go back to the drawing
board and say, You know what, I need to undo certain things that I
did with my child and teach or let them know that I love them. And I
respect them and start speaking to them in that way where I respect
you. I hear you, you know, as soon as they talk, if you're
interrupting them every two seconds. Oh, no, you don't no, no.
Let's not let them speak. Let them you know, get what they're, you
know out what they need to say. Even if you don't like it.
Processes, think about it, come back to it. We're very reactive
sometimes as parents, because we're, you know, we don't like our
authority being challenged. But when it comes to especially
teenagers, I mean, they're growing they're becoming a little adults.
What do you expect? It's not, they're not little kids anymore,
where you know, they're just afraid of you. So now you have to
see them as someone that you know that you should speak to and
is an equal in that sentence like you would another adult. Right? So
it's Sharla but thank you for that recommendation.
Any other questions?
Okay, um, the last so inshallah for next session, we'll continue
with this list here and talk about
sorry, where did I go?
Protect with preventative measures. Okay, so we'll just
continue down this list.
Okay, I'm gonna just go ahead and we'll go ahead and end it and
shall
we have these monthly The dates are usually announced. I don't
know if there's like a you know, a set a date yet for January but in
Charleville announcing, just like Oh, thank you. Alright, so we'll
go ahead and end in da snarf. mentor him sabbatical who has
officially
stopped recording to where they are who said he was gonna say that
Elmo no have you been implemented Allah hottie have sent him one and
he was saying the
other human lives at
11am and who I'm responding it with us. I'll be happy with the
rest of us.
Because that clock and again, thank you all for coming out.