Hosai Mojaddidi – Raising Children Dignity, Devotion & Deen Parenting Workshop (Part 1)
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rubbish. Like
I said, I'm going to login.
Under that, thank you for being
short. We're gonna go ahead and get started and expecting more
people to join us, we'll go ahead and begin the first thing, the
NCC, especially in ways and all of the staff and volunteers for
facilitating the event. And also shout out to
my dear friend who is the reason why we're here. She reached out
actually, like a couple months back and said, You know, I thought
I'd do a parenting workshop and I had in the past but mashallah, I
think with her little magic push. That's why we're here. And the aim
really is to give us an opportunity to, to meet with each
other to learn from one another. You know, they say, it takes a
village. But unfortunately, because of our lifestyles, we're
all very own worlds. And sometimes we forget that there is a village
outside. So hopefully, by having a space to dialogue, we can actually
implement what that means, which is really leaning on each other
learning from one another. And just inshallah doing this
together, because as we know, we're
Gemma, and we need to change. So before we officially start,
there's an outline, you can see right there, what we're gonna try
to achieve today. So Michael, welcome.
So my background for those who don't know me, I have a Bay Area
native. I
pretty much raised here. I was born here, but I was raised here.
And then for about nine years, I actually left and I went to
Southern California. And humbler while I was there, I had my own
children. And I also started a preschool co op for three years
and worked closely with young children. And before that,
actually, I taught here in the Bay Area, taught at different Islamic
school. So I'm humbled. I have experience teaching and being
around children, I love children. And so, you know, this workshop
really comes from my heart, because this is hard work for me,
just anybody who has two children.
So will, you know, that's just my background, I also have a mental
health advocate, provider, I
do different things. And I give presentations. I have talks here,
the second Thursday of every month, and we do programs at
Kennedy with regard to women and
for women, I should say. So that's, that's pretty much my
background.
And welcome. So before we actually continue the presentation, I
wanted to just ask you guys, and I like audiences, especially by the
way, so I want you to participate. Let's talk about the ideals that
we create, about marriage life and parenting before we ever get
married. What are some dreams that people have about what married
life is going to be like? And what the family like? What, what your
perfect picture perfect Muslim? American Family looks like? What
do you think? Give me some answers.
What do you think of your spouse? I think that you know, as an
American Muslim, you think that you would be integrated into
society, as well as be able to retain your assignment identity
while navigating in society in general? So having both sort of
that balance?
And what about your actual, like life being married? What are the
sort of again, I want to talk about, like, what we dream about,
you know, little girls or little boys or men and boys, little girls
tend to dream about their, their weddings and what life is gonna be
like, right? But what are the constructs that we have about
marriage wise? For example, when it comes to your spouse, what do
what in one line? What do women usually say? And there's, you
know, I, I want my spouse to be my what? soulmate? Soulmate, very
good, what else?
Women tend to want this particular quality in their spouse.
Backbone.
Oftentimes, we hear that women want a best friend, right? They
want to marry their best.
Man. On the other hand, I don't know if I hear those things out as
much. I think for men, it's a little different. They might not
necessarily want that they want a woman who they're happy with, but
also who has the approval of
this family especially.
I think that's an ideal partner. Right? Or
is it they want someone
to give him some balance there, right. And so what we do we tend
to dream up is perfect.
idea of what a Muslim family is supposed to look like right? Now,
when it comes to our children, they are everything right? I mean,
they're perfect. First of all, they're geniuses, right?
Everything. We all assume and actually believe that our kids are
geniuses, whether we say it or not.
No one is captured. And so they're there, you know,
that's what they are. But then we also set them up with a lot of
expectations, right? We want them to have the best end up with their
elders, especially do their other work on time, be very responsible,
clean, known to recycle, you know, be conscientious, we want all of
these things. And on top of that, we want them to rest and pray. So
we dream up all of these ideals, which are emotional.
And here, we imagine, again, when you're thinking about your family
life together, you're imagining I'm sure meals together, breaking
fast together, praying together, and when you're intending to start
a family can show up, those are the things that you should be
aspiring to that you have a strong family unit. And there's much more
so much connection happening, right?
And so
there you go. And I chose these images, by the way,
to kind of go with what I chose these images, because they're, you
know, they're animated their dreams, their visions that we
have. But they're not always necessarily true, right? Even if
we have the best of intentions, our intentions good intentions
enough, right? Are they out there? And do things always go? As we
plan? Not necessarily, right. And that's why more important than,
than anything, is how we respond. Right? Because things might not go
the way we want them to. But how we respond to what is happening to
us, right really says a lot about what whether or not we're going to
have difficulty and challenges or we're going to make Sharla have
success. Because if we focus on our own responsibilities and our
duties and leave the rest of us properly submit, in sha Allah,
this is where the this is where we will, we'll find that just by
letting go of this need to control outcomes, right, because a lot of
us, when we build up a dream and an ideal, we're stuck on the
outcomes, and the outcomes is what we want. And so that can inform
our parenting, because it's like, I have this ideal of how
everything is supposed to go. And if it doesn't go that way, there's
something wrong. But if you're doing everything in sha Allah in
your power correctly, the outcomes you need to
write. And this is a part of submission that we just realized
we can't control anything, right. But we can definitely control our
own sauce. So the point here is that good intentions aren't
enough. They're obviously important, right? We believe in
intimate vignettes, and we believe in this. But the problem is when
we take again, these good intentions and attach them to
these dreams, and then we treat marriage, like it's a right. Like,
it's something that I'm entitled, right, that it's a family, you
know, that something that I should just I deserve? And the reason why
is because, you know, we live in,
are there systems around us where everything's based on, you know,
on some merit system. So if I do good, you know, I get this in
return. And that's sort of how we think about even when it comes to
our relationships. So when you walk into a relationship with that
mindset, or starting a family with this mindset, that if I do
everything correctly, it's good things should go as planned, it
kind of sets you up to have an entitled sort of, you know,
mindset going into that. And that right, there is also a problem,
you can't be entitled to anything, because marriage is not a right.
It's a huge responsibility, right? And if you really think about
Subhanallah
marriage preparation, for example, how many people in this room are
single, not married?
I mean, we should see more of a single female here, right? Because
we take more time, sometimes to to direct interesting people, we take
more time to prepare for travel for even like a meal, right? We'll
look up recipes, we'll call people, we do research for things
like that, when it comes to parenting, we often do it when
it's too late. And by that I mean when you see, you know, two plus
signs on a little stick to it, you know, I mean, then it's like, oh
my god, I got to start worrying about parenting. And then even
then our view is so limited because we're stuck on baby,
right? Preparing for a baby. We're stuck on oh my god, you know,
cribs and like strollers and diapers and bottles and we're
stuck on that And subhanAllah if you actually stepped back and
said, Is there a greater thing that a human being can do then to
be responsible for a soul? Right? Is there a greater task that we
have? So parenting is this incredible?
have responsibility and yet, we don't prepare for it. And that's
why usually in parenting workshops, we see parents who've
already had their children, and I'm not, I'm delighted here, but I
wish that we were, we had singles and people who are just starting
out their married lives, you know, prior to even having children,
because that's responsibility that's really looking at this,
like, this is a very weighty thing, right? And we have to, you
know, almost father reminds us again, and again, you know, he
says, Have you been so any extra cool and your poodle and our hula,
you have to know, do people think that they will be left to say, we
believe, and that you will not be tested? So this is why why is he
telling us this, that you're going to experience tests in your life
and in order with any test, right, you better prepare, and you can't
prepare for those tests, if you're just walking in with that dream,
like, with your mindset, you know, just caught up in a dream. And I
think that's the problem with the society and the world that we live
in is they look at this, you know, marriage and family life, and they
idealize everything and romanticize everything to the
point where it just becomes, you know, something that it's like any
any goal, you know, that you want, just want it, you know, because
for what it is, you know, but when you really step back and say wait
a second, this is, you know, a completes half of our being
marriage, first of all, and almost, that also tells us you
know, in another island, and know that your possessions and your
children are a test, and that Allah is immense. And that with
Allah is in its reward. This is again, another reminder for us
that these are things that we will be tested about. So don't just get
caught up in the fantasy, and the movies and the films and the
songs, and the picture wedding albums and pictures of what a
family is going to look like, actually take it very, very
seriously and do the preparation beforehand. That's where we should
be right. And so, um
So what does that mean? It means that in order for us to really
take parenting and really understand that it says, Have a
seriousness of it, we have to first and foremost realize it's
completely tied to how to our relationship with a wasp. You
can't expect to be a successful parent or successful really, if
we're being honest, without working on yourself. I can almost
mother and another I, in Surah Baqarah, he tells it this is an
exchange, right? That's happening between the angels, a lot of
angels when he tells him that he's going to create a relay. So
there's this beautiful conversation that happens. And he
says no a part of Africa the choleric it's in Niger and also
the other Khalifa call it the geography how many you've seen a
few how as well? Yes, it could be that some people have Nikola
Tesla, or in the marathon mode. So what is this? He says Oh, Mohammed
mentioned, oh, Mohammed wonder Lord said to the angels, Indeed, I
will make upon the earth, a successive authority, a leader.
And they said, Well, you place upon it, one who causes corruption
there in it sheds blood, while we declare Your praise and sanctified
you. And Allah says, Indeed, I know that what you do not know. So
this verse explains very clearly, the purpose of our existence and
our creation, is that we do everything work towards this goal
of actually becoming leaders. So every one of us, not just the men.
And also I know, that's, you know, we have, obviously roles for in
our work and our families and our communities and our societies, for
men and women. But in this context, this is applying to every
one of us, all of us are leaders. And this is one of those parts
that is telling us that, that he's even, you know, putting telling
the angels that you don't know what I know about my creation, but
they have the potential right to be amazing. But if you don't see
yourself as that, and especially in the context of a family and
marriage, and you're just thinking, Oh, I'm just gonna go
and, you know, it's just part of life, nobody gets married,
everybody has kids, and you're not looking at it like no, no, you
have to go there with the mindset that you are being held
accountable, and that you will be held accountable, then you're
going to set yourself up for failure. So
and then also, you know, in addition to these, to this idea,
we also have to remember that we took a very serious oath with
almost right, in the primordial realm when he asked us, you know,
unless to build up a comb, and we said, this is before the dunya
started when souls were created, and we're all gathered, we had
this covenant, we had this exchange. So this is again to
remind us that he put a responsibility on us even then
that realm, and we acknowledge that that yes, you are Lord, be
worshiping we obey you and part of obedience responders taking these
verses to heart and actually reflecting on that and seriously
and again, to God, you know, just
by stripping the mind from this idea that, you know, I just
because my parents want me to, and because you know, I want
companionship, I'm just gonna get married for all these worldly
reasons. It's an Amana and we're gonna talk about that. What that
means so
much.
This is another heavy set, it's very powerful because it
reinforces this idea that
the boss is allowed to look, Ryan, what colorfulness? All right, what
is this, every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for
his flock, it's one of my favorite hobbies. Because if you really
look at the description, and it's just a beautiful analogy, but
let's look at the full text. Because this is just that's just a
part of it. He said, I want to do as a shepherd who is responsible
for his flock, the leader of people as a guardian and is
responsible for subjects. A man is the guardian of his family, and is
responsible for them. A woman is the guardian for her husband's
home, and his children, and she is responsible for them. And the
servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he
is responsible for it. No doubt, every one of you is a shepherd,
and is responsible for his flock. Now, this is again, so crystal
clear Subhanallah we're literally told to rise to the challenge and
become leaders, right? Because what is the when you think of a
shepherd? What is he doing? Or sheep? What do they do? What do
you imagine them with? What are they holding in their hand? What's
their purpose?
To guide
to gather them in a certain way. Very good, keep them safe, keep
them safe. Very good. Mashallah. So what's what do they pulled in
their head? What's What's that called?
The stats, are you good. So the Shepherd has a stamp or a crook.
Now, if you pay attention closely, it has like a hook. What's the
hook for? It's a long staff, right? And it's multifunctional,
but what's that for? So, three different things that the Shepherd
does with his dog, a, he uses it as a long arm, okay, if you're
looking at, obviously, even in this image, hundreds of animals
and he just puts his hands out, you'll remember this, but you
know, only the people or the animals right in front of
everybody will see, right. So it's a way to get have reach, okay, I
want you to pay attention to the words that we're using. So he
extends his arm to have reach, then the crook is for animals that
fall animals that goes straight, okay, sometimes the sheep or goat,
for example, fall into a bush, or they fall over a cliff and
they're, you know, injured or the baby goes away from its mother. So
to wrangle an animal with your own physical force is difficult, but
that helps them fall by the neck fall by the ankle. And so that's
part of it. So that gives them control, reach control, and then
it's also used as a walking stick to cut to to feel the terrain,
right? Just imagine you're, you know, you're in charge of guiding
groups, a large group of animals from one place to the other,
whether it's to, you know, feed or whatever your job is to make sure
that the terrain with which they walk upon his state. So they're
also secure exam, not just safe from actual physical land, what
what's going on with the ground, but also from predators, right. So
to be vigilant, to make sure that you know that the shepherd knows
what animals and threats are out there, they're snakes. So they're
wolves, what's out there foxes, also to know
if
also, if those animals are present, they are, you know, the
shepherd needs to know how to protect, right, so they have the
rod. So they have a staff and then they have another it's like, it's
like a club kind of, that they usually hold in that club is to if
they need to kill a snake, or if they need to, you know, push a
predator away, or intimidate them, somehow, they have that. So these
are tools in their hand to know right to protect their their hurt.
And so again, this is powerful, because you can apply it to
parenting so easily. We need to as parents make sure that we have
reach with our children, right? And we're going to talk about that
means basically open communication, right? If you can't
reach your children, because they are unavailable. You're too busy,
or you just don't know how to communicate with them effectively,
right? They're going to wander off, right? And that's what so
many parents are dealing with, where there's a total block, they
can't reach their children, their children have no respect for them,
they disregard them. And a lot of kids are doing this, they're
lying. They're, you know, doing things behind their parents back
because it's like, yeah, whatever. And, you know, this is where we as
leaders have to not blame the children. Look to ourselves. Did I
do this, too?
I extend my arms and let them know I'm here for them. Or did I just,
you know, let them wander off. And now I'm worried or freaking out.
And so a lot of parents find themselves in. So we need to make
sure we have reach, and then control. If they fall, what do you
do? Right? If God forbid, something happens, do you know
what to do? And this is where, you know, in the next slide, we'll
talk a little bit more detail. But that's why that crook is so
important. If you don't have a way to pull them out of danger, right?
If you don't have a way to control the situation, if it's good, you
know, what do you expect you can't be, you can't give them the next
most important thing, which is security. Right. And so those
three things are what a shepherds aim is to make sure that they have
reached to make sure they have control and to make sure it
received their security. And that's also why they walk, you
know, ahead. And that's, I think the point that I really want to
drive home is being ahead, okay, you don't let the herd just go
out, and then you follow them, you as the shepherd have to be ahead.
So when it comes to parenting, that's why doing the education
before you're actually in, it really matters. And so I took a
little survey before some of you walked in, are there any single
people here? Like we're not married? I'm really hoping for at
least one. I'm gonna make an example. Inshallah, but you know,
I was just saying that it's so important we do this type of
education before, I mean, how did I get here, but that's what
effective leadership is that you recognize, this is a huge amount
of from all this content, I'm going to be held accountable. I
want to educate myself before I get into it, and really focus on
the right things, right. And so what does that mean?
Well, to prepare for leadership, A, you have to understand
yourself, you cannot let go into any role if you don't know who you
are, right? And this is a core belief of our tradition, when not
if and if so, group out of whoever knows himself knows their board.
So self awareness, Self knowledge is very, very important. And what
does that mean? Practically, you should know your personality type.
If you raise your hand, if you've ever taken a personality test
before.
Good, and you should know that and that should be you should be well
versed in explaining your personality to the people in your
life, raise your hand if as a family vote or take a personality
type test before. Okay, so that's your homework, okay? Do that take
personality tests with your family, every single person in
your house, you should know their personality type, they should know
your personality type, it is very important. No, you're the temper.
What does that mean? There's an entire body of science that up
until recently, educators and psychologists, psychologists,
psychiatrists, people in mental health field used, it was called
the four temperaments. And then, you know, there's been a clear
sort of divide between tradition and science. And so anything that
even had a hint of religious tradition, or anything like that,
is certainly you know, it's being moved out of scientific literature
and science, and stuff. But these are things that they were using
not too long ago. So look up the four temperaments, and there's
tests you can do online to determine what your temperament
is, what is all this for? It's because again, if you don't have
self knowledge and self awareness, how can you possibly
go and have the confidence to raise another human being or not
just one, but two, in some cases, 345, some of our moms like 810,
like your oh my gosh, what a task, you're going to try to raise eight
to 10 children, and you don't even know yourself? Well, and
unfortunately, you know, self knowledge wasn't a priority. And
for most of you know, our parents in the older generation, because
it was survival, right? Didn't have the luxury of sitting there
taking personality tests, right? Like, it's sipping their coffee,
they were like, I got to let you know. So but we're not in that
position. That's why for us, it's honestly like, it's pretty, like
if we're, if we're behind on these things, we have an excuse. And
that's part of passive parenting, which we'll talk about, but
knowing yourself knowing your basic needs, okay, for example,
and I know like, people joke about this, but it's actually really
important. Raise your hand if you're somebody who absolutely
gets hangry like, if you don't eat, like, it's like you get it's
really affects you, right? Okay, so now I want you to think about
this. If you know that about yourself, and you skip breakfast,
and you ruins your day and how to add income as a crazy parent,
right? You didn't fulfill your own need, you have to assignment it
doesn't make you selfish. If you know like I need to eat at a
certain time. And I have to because otherwise, I suffer and I
just kind of let go and then I just comes out and really wrong
ways. Take care of your needs. It's nothing wrong with that.
Okay? And it's actually you know, like they see on the airplane, put
the mask on first and don't worry about our vehicles.
When it comes to parenting, you have to do that you have to know
your own needs, make sure you take care of those needs. So that's why
it's important for you to look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs to
kind of see where you are. But the most important thing when it comes
to parenting and knowing yourself, you have got to know the diseases
of your hand, if you don't, please look into getting this book,
because it's called purification of the heart. And it must have the
flu, but it's all about the diseases of the heart that every
single one of us have, we are all infected, probably with all of
them to a certain degree, but some more than others. And again, as a
leader, if you're not aware of your own diseases, right, if
you're not aware of your own spiritual shortcomings, and yet
your task as a Muslim parent is to raise another human being and give
them guidance. Does it make any sense? If you're totally oblivious
to your own faults? So you have to be this is what Self knowledge is
being aware of your own diseases, being aware of your own
limitations, right? And once you've taken care of your needs,
and your work in progress, it's not like it's like, oh, okay, I've
resolved it. No, no, you have to be willing to continue that work.
But once your, your your data aware of yourself, at least you're
asking these questions, then you need to look at, again, those in
your care, what are their needs? Right? What are their needs. So
for husbands, this is really important that you pay attention
to the needs of your wives not and you know, it's very natural, it
happens where we focus on our own needs first. But if you pay
attention to your partner's needs first, and they're doing the same,
guess what everybody's needs get buffed, right. But if you're
paying attention to my needs, and they're paying attention to their
needs, nobody's needs are getting fulfilled. But that's usually what
we ended up doing, right, where we just were like, well, I want this,
and I expect to do that. And it's a lot of AI. But really paying
attention to the needs of your partner is important because it
makes a team, right. And if you can't be effective, parents, if
you don't work together, it's just, it's not gonna happen,
you'll invent some something will fall apart eventually, because
children pay attention. And you know, it's just, it's a matter of
like picking and choosing, and it just causes. So you want to really
take it seriously where you paid attention to those in your care
and, and also access to your children looking at what their
needs are, and understanding the potential dangers and threats. And
we talked a little bit about that earlier, we referenced the
shepherd, the shepherd knows to look out and what to look for, do
you know what's going on with your children, if you have any idea
what kids are exposed to, for example, online, you need to know
that so I know so many parents who are willfully, they admit that
they don't know anything, I don't like social media or not on, we
know what, don't be honest for yourself. But if you don't know
what's going on, and you have a teenager, you know, a few years,
if you don't now, in few years, they're going to come to you and
say I want to snap I want us to grant or if they are, if I'd be
like over by them, and there'll be a new app, right? Getting turned
over so quickly. But like at some point, they're going to ask for
these things. And if you're clueless, and so many parents are
I've done parenting workshops on social media, and I can't tell you
even afterwards how, like devastating it is, parents come up
and say, I don't know what to do, my child is completely addicted.
They, they they're on everything. And I don't know, and you know, a
lot of moms and dads were just, you know, maybe for language
barriers or whatever, you know, they just don't know, they have
these horrible situations at home, where their kids are exposed to
everything, you know, and they didn't know what to do. So you
have to know, what are the potential dangers and threats out
there? What are my kids being exposed to, you just have to
realize, sometimes life is gonna throw you really difficult
situations. But you have to know, hey, how can I prevent these
things from happening? How can I protect them? And what what
resources are out there? Right, so seeking counsel when needed,
there's so many parents and families that are suffering
because they don't reach out. This is why you know, I've been doing
mental health advocacy, help advocacy for a long time. Because
in our community, we have a problem. And this goes back to
what what I talked about in the beginning, we're so stuck on the
dream. We're so stuck on selling that perfect image, that anything
that breaks that up, even if it means having a healthier family is
just to intimidate. We don't want them to know we have problems. So
we don't talk about anything.
We hush hush or we try to self fix. And I've seen things just
spiral out of real control. I've had moms calling in panic over
really, really terrifying things. And I'm not exaggerating when I
say this, like what do I do? When it's like, wait, wait, this
problems have been going on for how long? What? Over a year, over
two years, and now you're trying to do something. So we have to
wake up and say part of being effective parents is we need to
know a what the
what the dangers are but also seek counsel when it's needed. And then
of course, like I said before, ultimately you
We have to rely on God and submit to His will, outcomes, we cannot
control. You can do everything perfectly as a parent, and the
outcome might not be what you want. That's not on you. If you
were effectively leading, and you were doing everything correctly,
and something happens that is not on you, you don't have to look at
yourself like you failed. Because if you were responsible, and you
weren't doing everything, right, and you taught them love and
compassion, and you, you know, you know, embrace them and show them
the beauty of Islam, the outcome is not on you. And so that takes
to take off pressure, because I know, a lot of parents, especially
if teams blame themselves, what did I do wrong, and you start, you
know, just leave the up into a muscle kind of gotta obviously,
pray for the best, ask for the fair do everything in your power.
But don't focus on that. Because if that becomes your focus, where
it's like, everything has to be perfect, then, you know, again,
you're missing it, you have to focus on yourself, what are you
doing? So and then, you know, just to further emphasize,
before, as a strong leader, you have to know your responsibilities
first, and then your rights. So when it comes to your children,
first study the rights of children over the parents don't focus on
you know, because then unwanted data is exploited in our cultures,
it's 100% exploited, so much spiritual abuse happens because
parents use this, you know, beautiful part of our faith to
exploit their children, right? And it starts very early, like you
see, you know, authoritative parenting models can be very toxic
to Selena little children, start barking orders at them, you better
obey me, you better do this. I mean, I've had, you know, again,
really horrible cases where parents have, you know, used
abused their authority, based on, I have rights over, you know,
Jenna's under my foot, if you don't obey, you go to *, and
it's like stuff. No, that's what you say, to a 45 year old child,
like what's going on? It's not effective parenting. And if you're
doing any of that stuff stops, like children are beautiful.
They're pure fitrah. They don't need to hear harsh language like
that. So but if you're going in again, with this construct that
you know what, I'm entitled to things, right? I'm entitled to my
children listening to me that they're a baby, and you come with
that attitude, then that's all you care about. And then what about
their rights over you don't even know what they are? Have you ever
studied or taken a class, there's no classes on this materials,
books are not as material. But again, this is, you know, where we
as responsible leaders and parents is our charge to do these this
work, we have to be looking into this stuff. And so, you know,
and then also just culture define your parenting model, or does this
not be honest, right? If you're parenting based on what your
cultural attitudes are, and expectations are, and that means
that you forego clear rules in Islam, that is a huge problem. And
I'll give you an example. For example, double standards, okay?
Raise your hand, if you spend on talking to women. As you can see,
I'm looking over here, because this happens a lot in our
cultures, raise your hand if there were total double double standards
between the way you were treated and the way your brothers are
treated in your household. Like rules, okay, for example, chores,
right? Did your brothers have to wash dishes and set up a table and
like, you know, do things like that? I mean, if they did,
mashallah good parenting, but a lot of our, in our homes. My if
you knew, and I tease my, my sister in law now teases me if you
knew the way that they're like, We like serving, you know, serving
the boys, you know, when they come to the house, like on a tray.
I never got that I walked in late after a work shift was like a
picture of a serving.
So definitely double standards or things like that chores.
Absolutely. I don't think I ever in my life saw anything like, like
any, like any domestic task, I just really can't reflect. But
we've got to vacuum, the bathrooms make our beds make his bed. So
there's definitely got the standards right in some of our
cultures, even with curfews, right?
I mean, I couldn't be out passes when parents didn't care what the
brothers were. So this is cultural boys, girls and same stuff. What
this said washes dishes, they have to wash dishes, fold laundry full
on and take out the garbage take out the garbage cut the grass, you
don't miss this division of labor based on gender is very odd.
Because, again, again, it goes it goes against the sun or the balls,
so you still wash his own dishes. He's done men his own folks.
So are those too girly for boys to do? It's ridiculous. But again,
this is where culture takes over. And if those are the types of
things that are going on in your home, where there's definite, you
know, separation based on gender, you have to go back and say, am I
what am I doing? Am I creating maybe some resentment and
entitlement, right? Am I creating my planting seeds that are gonna
be really disastrous for my children as they grow up, because
my daughter is going to be resentful and then have a boy who
just like, hey, where's my tray of food, you know, or, you know,
picking on his wife and expecting all these things, because I
contributed to the cycle. So you have to hang out again, think
about this, this is really where you as a parent, you have to be
responsible. And then being the guide who you want your children
to follow. You cannot,
you know, they need proper guidance, but you can't Yeah, they
learn from imitation, and they learn from listening and
observing. So you can't say Do as I say, not as I do some work.
That's like, literally hypocrisy, that is the spreading of the crap.
But a lot of parents, that's how they parent because I said, so.
No, break it down, explain to your children the wisdoms of things and
be fair and be equitable. And don't be a hypocrite. If you say
something, do it, if you don't do something, don't you know, to tell
them not to do it. That's how it should be. Don't do it. Don't even
tell them not to do it, but you can't be doing it. So be really
sincere in terms of setting a good example. And then this is, the
next point is really important. And we're gonna get to that which
is tailored parenting, a tailored parenting is really accepting the
idea that no two children are the same. The one size fits all model
may work when it comes to tools and just sort of set setting sort
of, you know, like, house rules, but not when it comes to a one on
one connection with parenting, you have got to focus in and know who
your children. Okay. And then, you know, we talked a little bit about
earlier, but knowing the dangers that lurk, and if we have time,
we'll try to get to the temperaments. But let's just
quickly, this is, again, the characteristics of an effective
leader. Just to summarize for you, these are things that you should
ask yourself, Do I have to have strong communication skills? Okay,
are you able to really communicate effectively? Do you know, like,
how to articulate what you're feeling? Or is it a struggle for
you? And if it's a struggle for you, that's not something that you
can't work on? Sometimes people just say, Well, I don't know, I
can't, I don't know, I just have a person, a few words. And that's
it, the conversations end that way. But you probably do have a
lot to say it's just a matter of the medium, right? So strong
communication skills doesn't mean strong speaking skills,
necessarily. Maybe writing is more effective. Maybe you do need an
arbitrator or mediator, but that's effective communication, if you
can recognize that right, that I need to work on. Maybe I can't get
through to my child, or I don't know how, but you have to know if
these are skills you have. Are you passionate? You know, as a parent,
who are you truly commitment? Or are you checked out? Just be
honest, because you can't again, solve something if you're, you
know, resolve issues, if you're not willing to be honest with
yourself and look at yourself, like really failure? If you're
like, Yeah, I'm not interested, you know, I'm in a mode where I
want to do my own thing right now. Okay, parenting is kind of like a
burden. You know, it's like, cost too much to clean, and have to
help them with their homework, I want to be doing, like, be honest
about that, saying that you right now in a place in your life, where
you need more, right. And honestly, if it's it, you know,
you can everything, it's very subjective, because every
situation is different. But there are a lot of people who have been
sacrificing and sacrificing, sacrificing. So they do get to
that point, where it's like, yeah, I had children, I stayed home, I
didn't work, I put aside all my dreams, I didn't go to school, I
didn't wear I didn't do anything. And now we're at a point where I
really want to focus on that, it doesn't make you a bad parent.
Okay? That doesn't make you a bad parent. Because in Islam,
hamdulillah are multifaceted, all parts of us should be celebrated.
Just because you're a parent doesn't mean that you can't also
be an entrepreneur or an artist, you have your own thing going on.
I think, again, culturally, these are things that we're told, like,
if you're a good mom, you just sacrifice your life forever, it
just dies are your children. And you and your husband, of course,
don't do anything but right. And if you're a father to, if you're a
good father, your whole life should basically be like, like,
you should be working until right before you enter the race. These
are the cultural crazy ideas that we you know, had and we
perpetuate. But what about human beings on an individual level?
Like, am I an effective parent, if I am checked out? No. So maybe I
need to work on balance so that I can find a time to be committed to
my children when I'm upset, but also pursue my passions. This is
self awareness, self knowledge, this is the type of stuff that you
need to look at positivity, you know, and of course, if you're
happy, feeling fulfilled, you're going to be more positive
innovation. This is not built up. Okay? So don't get me in trouble.
And English is a word like everybody freaks out about, I'm
talking about like being creative, okay, learning how to be creative
with your children, finding new ideas and ways to teach them
things. That's, you know, part of effective parenting. But if again,
if you're passive in your parenting, you're not checked out,
you're too busy, you know, trying to figure out stuff out or you're
like, really just overwhelmed. Maybe you're carrying burdens,
maybe your parents are older and you're working, and you've just
got a lot of responsibility. It's gonna be it's natural that these
things aren't gonna really
come out with how do you how do you fix it right? And then
collaboration. So being, you know, looking at your family, as a
student, it's very important that we kind of this authoritative
model of parenting, as I said before, is, it's very top down,
right? But when you actually look at your family, and you talk in a
language that's collaborative, especially if you have teenagers,
this is very healthy. Because they, they feel like they're part
of a team, right? And they're not just barking orders at them and
telling them what to do or disrespecting them. They're
actually like, Yeah, this is our family. And he wants success. And
so collaboration is really important. Okay, any questions?
There are a few more slides, but any questions at this point?
Organization, sure, innovation has been speeded up, like Yes, coming
up with, like creative ideas of things to do with your children.
But this also takes you back to knowing your children's interest,
right? If you're not paying attention, you're just like, go to
school, do your chores, you know, do this. And it's just kind of
like this very dry existence for them. And there's no time where
you can actually connect and say, you know, what, what are you
interested in, let's go to this museum, let's go try this class
out, let's try doing something, you know, then it becomes very,
like, you're not you're not in it. Whereas innovation requires you to
be present in it right, requires you to really pay attention to
your children to base what, you know, your connection on what they
ask you about the situation you mentioned earlier in
the class? Yes. So in that situation, I know you said that,
you know, there's some you try your best of the parent, and then
obviously, you prayed for her. But how do you manage the relationship
with the child? Very good. I mean, while they're still your children,
you know, and even I mean, I've had people, you know, approached
me, it's really, you know, difficult situations, and they
don't know what to do, because it's affected their heart, you
know, towards their children, they feel betrayed, it's very normal.
But just like we tell our converts to this land at all, you have to
still review, respectful and maintain those relationships. In
short, we can't make a difference, we have to do the same thing, we
they're still our children, we still have to leave that door open
with them, and just really look at them. Like, you know, it's
difficult, and I know people who are going through this right now.
But honestly, it's a matter of what's better for them, that you
push them away, that you judge them that you're critical of them.
And you basically throw them right back into the arms of those who
are willing to take them from you. Or that you leave the door open,
leave the lines of communication open, be understanding, be
respectful, and show them that you know, through thick and thin, I'm
still Mom, I'm still that right? Inshallah, maybe somewhere down,
maybe we'll be setting maybe we'll be, you know, for a while, maybe
it will be a little while, maybe they'll load you know,
he's he's a political, you know, he's a flipper of hearts. And the
power and the block of power and live appearance is unmatched. So
there's so much that we can do if we just step back and realize
outcomes, I'm not responsible for outcomes, right? I cannot control
outcomes. If Allah wills something he wills it, what I can control is
what I need in my response to the compassion, of mercy, and, of
course, making God and ask Him.
So the thing is this conversation.
Sometimes it brings me because I'm an immigrant, so I feel like if I
wasn't
going to be myself, I'm the one.
So I don't know.
I feel like okay, so how can you deal with it? You are the one who
put execution? Well, it's your fault. Yeah.
So I was not going to judge you based on you making a contract and
into another country. You know, for me, I'm sure your intention
was not to have your children God forbid, go astray.
Yes, but there's dangers even in Muslim countries nowadays, if you
do, if you look at the polls, there's huge numbers of people who
are completely defecting from a slab coming out of Muslim majority
countries. So Allah is only one who got it's not necessarily the
people you're around with the way who are your location, its
guidance is for most and that's why again, your job as a parent,
if you're a father to following along, is to be that Shepherd,
right. So yes, you've written that maybe to somewhere that there's
more dangerous but if you're on top of those dangers, if you're
ahead of those dangers, if you put things in, you know, like if you
have things
In Motion are systems in place so that it prevents harm for coming.
You're doing your due diligence, right? So for example, bringing
that shot lots of domestic, this is a huge blessing that we have.
So there's so many people, why is it that we talk about the death
rate all about this is mentioned that we have this influx of people
who come and they sort of disappear, right?
We have to be, we have to go out there, especially if you're a
regular attendee of hunger that you do come to the masjid and
encourage your family, take your turn on the masjid, this place is
not easy to do, it is not easy, you know, living in this time of
day is not easy, the Masjid will keep them in Sharla grounded and
I'm going to talk about that, you know, reflecting some statistics
that are really inshallah hopeful to just give us more encouragement
that there are things that we can do, making sure that the company
they keep has why that friend, that sister company, the company
she keeps, is very important. As parents, you should absolutely
know who your children's friends are, you should know who to talk
to. If you don't know, oh, look, what's your name? Where you
talking to? Okay. And that's the conversation. No, no, no, who is
she? What are her parents? Like? Where does she do you have to like
literally request like bio data?
No, really, like, have your you have to, because I can't, I mean,
it's just proven. There's so much like research out there, he talks
about the enormous influence, you know, peer to peer, you know, kids
have over each other. So you're literally handing them to complete
strangers if you don't know who they are. And then you expect them
to, you know, to just come home and, and obey every single thing
you teach them if you don't know who these people are. So these are
the types of things that we have to do, right. And if you're doing
some times, I know you said, Be your child's friend, I agree with
all of that. But sometimes, when you give them choices, they sort
of start leading you, right? So I'm one of those parents who very
authoritative. I am my dad's child. So I just said, and it has
to happen. The last so far it has worked. I did advise a friend to
try that with your kids, because your kids do not want to come to
them.
So now she kind of changed and I've seen her kids here.
choices we come from we don't get choices. So that
eventually location and giving choices. Yes. Yeah, no, no. As far
as the awkward mother's a time and place for it. Absolutely. But I
think it's when it becomes the only model with which you parent,
that's an issue. And we'll talk about why. Because the effects of
that on every stage in childhood are lasting, right, and we're
gonna get to that. But if you you know, know that these are the
characters that have been effective leader, then the next
step is accepting again, that parenting is 100%. Okay, and if
you see your children as just extensions of you, this is a real
serious problem. They're not they're not they, they might look
like you, but they're not yours. Kids are not yours. You can have
the Sajak do whatever I want, they can, they don't belong to you, it
belongs to Allah subhanaw taala. Us, he literally is giving them to
us for an appointed time. And he will hold us account for how we
took care of that when it's time to return them. So if you really,
really believe in that, and you take things very differently, you
look at them very differently. But if you just think, Oh, they're
just my little minions, and I have to tell them what to do all the
time. But then you exploit them, you abuse your authority, and it
just becomes very toxic environment. But if it's like,
wait a second, this is almost private property. Right? Even
though it came from my body, and I helped create them, I need to
really be careful about what to do with this. It's fragile, right?
It's fragile. The children are fragile, then you you you parent
with more presents, you actually account you hold yourself
accountable. I mean, we just lost, you know, a child this past
Friday, right? Well, it
was only 13 years old.
And according to everything that people have said about him, I shot
long. He was like a little angel child. Right? He was he was
beautiful shine, just had the most excellent manners he was he loved
the for sweet. He just did everything right.
The parents were clearly doing everything right. But you know
what it was?
Because he can't
call us. They, they belong to him. He can take them whatever He wills
and we can't question as well. And that's a man the man is believing
that children are not ours. They are us just like we belong. And
we have to take that charge seriously. The problems I said I
said I had that happen either had to declutter the way to walk up
look at that.
What does that mean that signs of a Hippocratic three.
Whenever he speaks, he tells a lie.
Whatever He promises, you always breaks it. And if you trust Him,
He proves to be dishonest. So may Allah
protect us from being part of this category, the trust He's given us,
right children are under trust
in the way that we prevent ourselves again, from, from
faltering. And abusing this trust is by what? Fear and treat your
children's small or grown fairly with equal justice, we have to be
fair,
we have to have equal justice. There's a lot of favoritism I know
that happens with families. And if you're one of those parents, where
you do favor one over the other, you're going to be held
accountable for that. If one of your child is like prodigal and
perfect and just sweet, and you're just like Suge.
Knight
candy, and then the other one is like, Mommy, you know, maybe
they're bratty, and they did something to upset you earlier
that day, or no, you can't have it.
So wrong, stuck around with so many parents do. They totally play
favorites with their children. And this is a direct command from fear
of loss. And treat your children small or grown fairly with equal
justice. That's why the, what we talked about earlier, the double
standards are so toxic and so harmful, because a lot of children
get mistreated because of double standard. So parents have to be
careful. And then you know, another Hadith that really
emphasizes how we're responsible for so much of what happens to
them, no child is born except on fitrah. Right? Every child is born
with the parents make him either Jewish Christian agent, and it
goes on. So what is this telling us, all of our children are born
pure, whatever they come out to, because of our negligence, right?
is on us. But what I was saying earlier, if you're doing
everything, right, you don't blame yourself. It's when you're
negligent. When you're failing, when you're not present, when
you're completely letting the television set or their phone and
the internet, you know, parent your children, yeah, you're gonna
be accountable. So that fear should strike you like stop for a
lot, I need to take this more seriously and just start doing
stuff, right. And that's why you know, knowing your children's
rights, when they're mandated by God, children have rights, you
have to give them their up. So fathers, you, I mean, this is, you
know, in Japan, bearing the costs of their food, clothing, on
equitable terms. So being fair with your children in terms of
what you provide for them their sustenance, you can't get it, your
favorite child will make use and then take your other child to like
pay less, you know, it doesn't work.
Equitable terms.
And the both of them said that one of the rights of children over
their parents is being given a nice name. Okay, this is for those
who are expecting, make sure that you give your children names that
reflect what you want to see in them in Sharla, not just what
Grandma wants. And even sometimes it's politics that people force
people to do things. But you also have to think like, I want my
child to reflect, for example, when I had my second child, my
first child, as you have seen, and so my second child, I wanted to
name him Mateen rang. So there's no so seeing the T How cute. And
then handed I asked my teacher I said, you know, is this a good
thing? And he said, No, don't mean him a teen why? Because a teen is
about right. It's, uh, you know, one of the attributes of a well,
but it's it describes like, like, strength and mites. And it's
almost to be feared, you don't want that to come out in your
child. And so I was like, You're right.
That was goodness, he had changed his name to something totally
different. It's nice. That you know, and, you know, he was born
literally smiling, like, he had a huge smile on his face when I
first saw and mostly he's a very smiley kid. I mean, not that
smile, you know, it's as a play on a word. But mashallah, like, he's,
he's treated his name, and in many ways, but that's just one of them.
So naming your children is really important. And then having a good
education, you have to provide for them, make sure that they, you
know, are learning good and learning well, and that doesn't
mean just picking the top 10 schools or schools that are the
top 10 reading, but it's actually
the teacher, right? That is going to be teaching your child, every
single person that comes in contact with your children, you
should let them know who they are, if you allow them to have that
access to your children's heart, especially young kids, right? If
you don't, you know, sometimes
parents work and have other obligations, just like some cables
not so much this person so and so it was just, you know, our kids,
but you have to be careful every single person that comes in
contact with your children if they don't have that character that you
want your children to eventually reflect you're exposing them to
stuff. So this is just mindful parenting, you know, but making
sure that education is just, it's not just beyond the classroom,
it's really a matter of who's teaching your children. And
anything, right? Be careful about that.
And then back to the tailor parenting. Again, I can't
emphasize this enough, even I mean, there's research and
research that shows that even identical twins in the same home
with the same exact parenting, eating the same exact food, doing
everything come out completely different, right? Because no two
children are the same. So when we talk about tailored parenting,
this is what we're talking about a and these quotes from an even
though we thought were really important, because
someone mentioned earlier, and we have to think about this, we all
do it, right. We all eventually model parenting that are that was
done to us onto our children one way are turning into my mom
telling me my dad to do and things that we thought we would never do
end up doing right. And this is a form of passive parenting, okay,
because very clear, Do not raise your children the way your parents
raised you, they were born for a different time. And that doesn't
mean across the board, like you can't take things that your
parents taught you, it's a matter of really focusing on the nuances
on the differences, that your children, that the environment,
everything that's changing around that, and making sure that you're,
you know, as you're parenting, you're sensitive to those things,
you're aware of those things. Because if you're just, you know,
modeling and sending those done to you 20 years ago, plus, it's not
going to be effective. I've seen this happen even in my own family,
where it's the same sort of
model, but it's like it's not working with this generation of
children, you have to do something different. And then clear
instructions here for us. And inshallah we'll get to that are,
you know, how to look at your children as they go through
different stages. So those are seven stages. I'm sure we've all
heard this, but we're going to talk about this means play with
them until they're seven, discipline and teach them from
seven to 14, and then befriend that user 14. So whatever age you
find yourself in, there's something in this for you.
So let's look at spirituality in early childhood. So how many of
you have children between the ages of two and seven?
Okay.
So this is a very tender age. Okay. What do they need the most?
They need love.
They need safety. Guidance, right? So knowing those needs, right,
paying attention to what they need. Now, what tools can you use
this to inculcate the love of Allah and prophesy and your
children at this age? Storytelling? Okay, with
animation, you have to be willing to be silly. Yeah, I read a
preschool for three years. And one of the funny things that we
noticed was, you know, you again, it comes back to, you know, we're
just so worried about our image that some moms would like, they
look at us, like, we're crazy when we're dancing. And we're like,
doing all these faces, and we have puppets on our fingers. And I'm
like, you know, I'm, I'm in the world with your children. Right?
Right now I'm in like, Play World, I'm in the animation world, but
they can't do that. No, I don't know how you do that. Like, I just
can't, I can't do that can't do those voices, I can't get down
with you all the stuff. I feel that sad, because your children
need that. They're living in a totally exciting universe, and
you're not willing to go to their universe, but yet you want them to
do everything perfectly, right. And, you know, read forever, don't
make mistakes, you know, say something to every single person.
You know, it's like, we have all these very strict rules that we
want our children to follow, because it all reflects good on
us. But we're not willing to meet them where they're at. And that's
why storytime is so important for children. This is my own advice,
you know, but
they have such an incredible imagination. So Stories of the
Prophets, or stories from the setup of what happened in the cave
up head on. Right? This is a really incredible story if you
actually think about it. And this is where innovation kind of comes
into play to think about how can I tell the retell the story in a way
where my children will get it right, you don't have to get into
this deep detail. The Prophet was, you know, worried about the
polytheists in Mecca, like you don't need to go from that angle,
just say he used to go on a mountain because you wanted to get
away from all the noise and just the you know, life was really just
too busy and crowded between lights, not lights, but you know,
just too many sounds. You wanted to get away. So you went on a
mountain top, and you'd go there for like four days, you know, and
kind of really good express how you tell the story. And then just
describe what happens if can you just imagine in a time and place
where they don't have artificial lights or anything like that, that
all of a sudden, this being of light
enters this cave, and it's almost blinding you to the profit center.
And then this whole exchange houses I will tell a story to a
child, but you bring them in to this magical world. Why do you
think all these cartoons and movies, you know, CGI? Why do you
think it's so why do they make millions of lines of colors every
year because children love that type of wild, you know, magical
sort of stories, they love those types of things. We have those
that are real. And we don't tell it's not a mirage. I mean, an
animal that has wings, right? And I've done I've done these are
telling you like what you see the children are like, there's just
like, as you're describing what's happening, they're just completely
captivated mode. If you want to get a child's attention, you tell
them really powerful stories, that Subhanallah we have that or even
other stories, you know about animals that speak tell them this,
you know, there's animals that spoke to the problems I set out to
profit swimming ants, and you know, camels. Animals literally
spoke
the stories our children should know, rocks, mountains, trees that
spoke again, bring them into that world of wonder of all this is the
age to do that stuff. Okay. Stories about Jenna, you should
absolutely be talking about Gemma to your children. At any age, just
get them in, you know, I was at this funeral yesterday.
A friend of mine was sort of worried about whether or not she
should take her kids. And I said you should take your children I
take I take my children to funerals. Why? Why are we running
away from funerals? No. So I know something about life and death.
It's like a cycle. It's just part of what happens in this world. And
we don't fear death definitely should not be something you teach
your children to fear. That's very borrowed for like Western society.
Death is a transition. It's a move from one dimension to another. And
of course, time and place for everything. I mean, you know, if
they, you have to know your own children, but generally speaking,
if you make death, you know about going to Janna and meeting Allah
subhanaw taala it's not something that they're going to fear. Okay,
but if you make it about one dirt Six Feet Under and having dirt
running and worms into your body, and the angels come to Edna,
there's parents who talk to their kids about shape on and Gehenna.
When they're like four, and three, you have no business talking to
them about to him and shake on a throne. Like, you know,
threatening them, you know, like with with like, you want to burn
the fire after doing that, like, what is that stop for a while, but
there's parents who use fear tactics to try to, you know, teach
their children at that age, that's horrifying. Because just like
their graduation can imagine all the amazing things, they can also
imagine the monstrous things, things that are dark and just not
you know, stackable, you have to stay away from those topics, you
know.
And even introducing concepts, like I remember was one of the
best advice I got from, from Chet Holmes actually was not to
introduce lying to your children in this age. Like if they tell you
something, and you go, are you lying? This is terrible. Because
you're literally introducing to them a concept of deception, which
is a purposefully like evil act. They do not lie. In that age.
They're innocent. They're living in an imaginary world. So if they
drop a glass, and you say, Did you drop that, and they say,
that is not the same as deception? is in their mind, they might have
created a scenario where they truly don't think
now are the facts, the facts? No, maybe they just, you know, are
created again, a fantasy or like, you know, they're playing with an
imaginary friend, your friends, you just never know. But wait for
you to introduce this concept of deception at an early age. It's
ruining that but the other thing, because you're actually blaming
them for doing something that's intentional, right, you get it,
because to deceive, and to lie is attention. You're purposely doing
that. But children don't do that. They're just in a different other
in an alternate universe, basically, in that imaginative
play well, so that was really good to see how somehow so don't
introduce concepts like that. Or like I said, seen because even
singing, like they don't understand what singing is. Why
Why would want to talk about sitting.
And that's different from like saying, we don't do that. If you
can say, we don't
eat pork. You don't do those things.
But to introduce the concept of a sin, when it's too early.
Any questions?
Hey, guess
what? They bought something?
So in that case, you can, you know, again, ask them so then what
happened? Let them explain and you might get a really cool story out
of it
might make you laugh and forget all about coffee doesn't matter
because it's like, wow, that was really imaginative, right? But as
long as you know that they're young and innocent mistakes
happen, you have to be forgiving and compassionate and not like how
do you know if it was unintentional accidents happen,
but let them explain to you what happened and just kind of go with
it. I mean, I've had changes in my kids, too. It's really really,
but you know, you kind of just let go after a while and you realize
that their intention is maybe they're scared, and they're like
trying to, you know, get out of a punishment, and even that there's
gonna sense to that right. But to actually blame them to purposely
deceive you, is not fair.
But
sometimes they like to hide the truth. Because maybe because not
not
saying it. She wants to be easy. So she did something wrong this
and asked her to do that. Yeah, she doesn't.
So I feel sometimes sometimes.
You have to then at that point, say, you can tell me the truth,
and it's my husband's here, we have a very clear rule with them.
You that it's very clear that you will you will, if you tell us the
truth, it's better for you. Like even if it's something that you're
afraid of, or you think it's bad, it's better for you. Like, we will
forgive more, we're likely to forgive more if you tell us the
truth. So you create that very safe environment for that, because
it's for her it's a choice of like you said, pleasing you, or, you
know, misleading you. You have to say Don't mislead, don't let that
be an option ever. Tell me the truth. You know, tell me what
happened. And it's okay. I'll you know, we'll move past it. But if
you know if it's a matter seeing you're disappointed look, and we
scold her afterwards, right? That's what she doesn't want. Like
mama certainly disappointed with me. And now she thinks like I
shouldn't do this. And we tend to do that, right? It's natural. It's
like, how could they shouldn't have done that. And now you're
reprimanding? So she doesn't want to do that. You just say no
more, and then you tell them good. I'm so proud of you for being
honest. This is a way to encourage them to show that you plant the
seeds young, that by the time they're teenagers, and they're in
high school, that setting it's implemented imprinted in their
mind that you're forgiving, that you're willing that it's better to
tell the truth, right, that's in any way, like whatever the case
may be, there should be no option to not tell the truth, like the
only.
But that's going to be much more it means if you think for a high
schooler or teenager, or so many opportunities to deceive. Don't
you want them to feel like they're lying is not an option, I have to
tell him the truth. Right? I have told my dad the truth. Like I have
to. That's what I so I want to create that from a very young age.
Again, punish them
about their intention, just focus on you know, corrective.
In that moment, let them just applaud them for being true.
So we should not introduce them to them. So things like the example
you mentioned, we don't know she asked me what are we doing? So
because I'm
so what would happen to people who doesn't do that? So I'll get
angry.
That sounds that's fine, because I will be unhappy. So making a law
happy and unhappy. It's fine. I think the concept of sin the
reason why is it's so tied to morality. When you tie to
morality, then you have you're opening up a can of worms in the
discussion, it's gonna get sort of confusing. For example, gender
relations, if you introduce an idea that's too early for
children. How do you justify why I'm women can't wear like if you
say It's haram for me not to show my hair in front of another one.
What are you gonna say? I lost it. Okay, but beyond that, they keep
probing.
You see, now it's like you have to explain honesty and hey, yeah, but
what's the point? Because
I never mind you know, like you're introducing concepts that are too
early for them because now you have to explain well, that's what
I'm saying is that when you when you say things, frame it from the
that language, it's gonna make them want to know but if you focus
on the positive like we do this, because it makes a loss account
that happy not because we do it because it's gonna you know,
there's a sin attached to it. You see, I'm saying, like, you weren't
good. Yeah, because it makes a lot of happy not because it's wrong to
show my head. Do you get the difference? It's the way you
present it. In the first example, you're presenting it as an ad
Duty, devotion, love for Allah. And that's it until they're pretty
simple they get, but when you say we don't do it because this is
wrong, and it's a sin, see that language now they're curious why.
And then you open the dialogue and it can get to a place where it's
uncomfortable because you don't know where to go. How do I, you
know, it's like
not all of these can be addressed the same positively because
sometimes for example, my my daughter called me along with
someone
that's actually a really good example. Because a lot of songs
even like movies, popular movies is when all this like love, love,
love talk. And children. You know, they, we understand that line very
clearly right? As adults, if a little girls was in love with
someone that means something to us. It doesn't mean the same thing
to the child. No, no. So don't react like it means the same
thing.
For your husband
reaction, clearly, you're you're treating it like it means the same
thing to her. It might just be an innocent phrase that she heard
someone said, it just means.
I just asked him this. What do you mean, she says, I'm unhappy when
he's unhappy.
Just happened to find that and he's telling me, okay, my friend
is telling me a
friend, they all love you. So
know what that sweet wrap. But you don't want to sit there and make
it out to be something that it's not because again, we're
introducing ideas that unfortunately, in this society,
they're already doing it. They're already forcing this down our
children's throats all without the films and the songs. So we can't
contribute to that, but freaking out. And I think that's why our
reactions are really important. And so when they say innocent
things like that, you have to learn on the fly, how to just spin
it back to something innocent, and not let that you don't get carried
away with it.
So it's yeah, it takes some creativity. So that's where the
innovation part comes. Alright, so the next stage, right? Is the
middle childhood. And this is, you know, from seven to 14, what do
they need pre adolescents need? They need love, they need respect.
And they need reassurance. This is very, very important. Yes.
Girls?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah. What did you suggest? So, you know, it was a, I mean,
obviously, at that point, I had told her, I said, I'm happy to
speak to her, she's because I knew her daughter, she used to come to
our head office.
And so we did, we actually had a conversation, and part of the
issue that she had was that she had, actually a friend who was
gay. And the verses in the Quran that spoke about those things
bothered her. So we addressed that topic Alhamdulillah, it helped.
And then I put her in touch with other people that, you know, that
could help her further sort of, but I think it was helpful for her
to hear that it wasn't just a black and white issue, which is
what she was presented, like, I have to choose this or, or, you
know, are not choosing but rather know, there is actually, you know,
don't let's frame it in the correct way. Because yes, even
though it's something that we are very clear about in our tradition,
individual people we don't condemn, right, you can't do that.
And I think that really helped her heart because she was just worried
about her friend, you know, but you know, it's got it to her, I
mean, it really affected her face. So this is why again, as parents
we have to know, as I mentioned earlier, that when you're out of
your wheelhouse and you don't know what to do in terms of a situation
you have to know who to lean on you have to know who to call on
and and know that group before the mentors if you if you don't have
like a person in your family or circle that you can reach out to
to for guidance on certain things. You should look for one right and
there's mashallah especially in this community. We have a little
center right here that can help with a lot of things, just thanks
to things that a lot of teenagers especially go through peer
pressure, all the stuff that we talked about, but even you know,
younger kids, if they're if there's anything that comes up
there are resources here and then you can have teachers here to
national law, right, that can help but anybody that you know, who has
experience with children, just if they have their own children and
they you see them mashallah they've successfully raised their
children. Those would be good people to just have in your, you
know, speed dial if you ever need to,
but we're gonna get to, to that, like demographic in a second.
So this particular the middle of childhood, it's really important
that you again know, what do they need, and you love respect for
insurance and the what they the best way to reach right? This age
group is by storytelling, right? This is a good time, I think. And
even our tradition is to teach them start teaching them like
fifth and concepts that really make sense, right? Because their
imaginative brain is now like the third in reality, they can see
things for what they are, they start to see things for what they
are. So this is a good age to start breaking things down
actually giving them answers going over, if they were memorizing, for
example, saunas at a younger age, now, maybe it's time to talk about
the meanings, right. Because when they're younger, they don't get a
lot of concepts of sorts. But when they start to think and reflect on
the world around them, their own place in the world, this is
developmentally what's happening to them, then it's they can reach
that that part of them, you know, and you can actually start
breaking things down. So storytelling is very good stories
from a financier that display things that they also appear to,
or appeal to, like valor, ability, courage, honesty, honor, bravery,
these things appeal to kids in this age, right. So you want to
look for stories from the seated and talk about that, like winning,
because their wives think about their world and their world, it's
like, you know, when they're young kids, they're all playing
together, and then all of a sudden, you get into this, you
know, middle school sort of age, and it's definitely, you know,
winners and losers, that's how everybody starts to see things. So
that language, it's affecting them, they see, you know, they
might be the underdog, or they help kids that are being bullied
or their bullies. So they, the when you speak to them about
things that are that they can relate to actually gets their
interest. So speaking about stories about victory and
overcoming hardships, those are really good ways to reach them.
And then, like I said, you know,
explaining the wisdoms behind what we do what we do, that's important
time to start doing that, and then practical rules and tips, life
skills, to boost their confidence, you know, this is a very, very
vulnerable age, and the more they can do, that's unique and
different, the better for them, right. So if you can teach them
things or expose them to things that just kind of set them apart
from other from their for their peer groups, it boosts their
confidence, right. So this is again, where you have to get a
little bit more creative. And innovation really matters in terms
of your parenting.
And remember, they're watching every single thing, so you have to
be authentic. And then the last group is the adolescent strike.
And this is why this is, you know, in the in the quote of
you tells us, right, but this is the age where we have to befriend
them. Why, because they need love, respect and empathy. This is where
they're, you know, adulthood is imminent, they're about to embark
on, on their own journeys and lives, and they really need like
someone to hold their hand and help them through that. So you
can't that authoritative modeling of parenting is, in my opinion,
very destructive at this age. Here, it's not healthy to be
barking orders and shouting and slamming doors, and just
arbitrarily throwing rules out to your children, you have to explain
to them things, you have to respect them, you have to respect
that they are adults, from the assignment perspective, once your
kid hits puberty, they are adults.
There are accountable policy that after read their five times a day,
they have to fast, they're adults. And that's why even you know,
historically,
children of those ages, they got married, they were actually
treated like adults, some of you know, their their battles that
were led by, I think 11 or 12 year old ones, you know, so they were
treated with a certain sense of respect. And we don't do that
anymore. We, you know, we really, unfortunately, treat children who
are under 18. Like they're deficient and they don't know
anything and we know better than we talk about. That's why you have
so much resentment in a lot of households, from teenagers towards
their parents, because there's no respect. You don't respect their
privacy, their need for just being by themselves sometimes, right?
Even their physical needs. We've talked about being a good leader
as you know your own needs, but you also know the needs of your
children. You have to respect for example, like there's articles now
that are popping out everywhere. So like, for example, children,
especially teenagers, one of their primary adjacent physical effects
is what?
I can't tell you how many times I've personally witnessed parents
really getting upset at their children and calling the news
because they want to sleep and they'll do right in front of other
people lazy, you know sleeping on
Sleeping is just talking down to them as if that is, you know, is
is not important, like they're totally useless because they want
to sleep in and actually really just enjoy sleeping, they need to
sleep, there's a lot of things going on. And kind of I like it
like, you know, the infant stage, infants sleep a lot is their
brains are transforming, right? physical bodies are transforming,
so that sleep helps them for teenage brains is the same, they
are going through major physical, physiological changes, and the
brain needs sleep. But if you disrespect your teenager and make
them feel like they're lazy,
because they want to sleep, how do you expect there to be any sense
of, you know, like, you respect me, I want to connect with you.
That's why, you know, they'll just go to their room, you won't talk
to them, they'll give you one word answers, maybe you don't feel like
you really see them for who they are, they're just extensions of
you, they're not perfect, there's something wrong with them, and
then you get mad at them, right. And that's where that whole ideal
that we create is so destructive, and we have to stop that they are
gonna, we are meant to do everything in our power to raise
them to be decent human beings and inshallah excellent service to
Allah subhanaw taala. That's our obligation, it's not so that they,
you know, go to the best schools and that they're perfectly
polished everywhere, and they look amazing. And every picture and
whenever we take them around, there are trophies that we just
sell it, you know, carry around with us. But that's the kind of
attitude a lot of parents have. So when your child doesn't do what
you want them to do, and that you think they should do, then it's
just anger that comes out, right. But if you actually saw their
individuality, and learned about the personality and the
differences, you would see that they have different needs. I
remember I gave a similar talk. A while ago, I remember that, and
this mom came up to me afterwards, and she was totally in tears. She
was like, mess. And I said, what happened? And she said, You have
to listen to your talk, I realized, like, it's my fault.
That my, her second son, that she has like a really bad relationship
with him. She said I all I did was basically compare him to his older
brother, who isn't more extroverted, outgoing, athletic,
you know, kind of had sort of indigent didn't war. And he wasn't
like that he was shy and introverted. He was not into
sports, he won't, he was more like a book sort of worm. And she
thought he was like, there was something wrong with him. So she
basically, you know, just
labeled him with a fight with him often because he wasn't like his
brother. And so she realized, like, you know, she just, she
didn't respect him. And she didn't really see him for who he was, it
was like, You're not like this other child that I consider
perfect. Therefore, something's wrong with you. And this is why we
have to get out of that mindset, this age is so so important that
we really pay attention to who they are. So a friendship,
mentorship is really important. If you can't be that friend, for your
children in this age, because of whatever reason, you're not
available. You have to make sure that they have decent, appropriate
mentors for them. Do it be active, there's martial law, you know,
they have youth programs here, there's candy, if there's srcic,
we have an abundance of programming, but it's just a
matter of are you a passive parent or an active parent? Does it
matter to you or does it not? So the matters to you, then you go
out and look for or look for individuals and you say, You know
what, I really liked you would you be willing to be like, you know, a
mentor to my son or my daughter, you know, that's what needs to
happen. And some parents honestly, it's better that they outsource
that. And that's when again, knowing when you're beyond beyond,
you know, it's your scope, knowing that you can rely on other people
that's, that's part of effective leadership, classes and
experiences is a really good time to do things with your teenagers.
So brothers, if you have sons that are, you know, teens, look for
programs that are designed for father side experiences, this goes
on really, really effective. Because you're saying I see you
and I care about you and I want to do things with you. Right? Yes,
yeah, we do that with our kids, but for some reason we have three
boys and our middle boy gets really upset. Anytime we take one
of the other to start
when I say upset like really really close up, just
decided to just stop doing that and just do everything is there
because of in your absence or something like that? Deceit do the
other kids pick on him? No.
bites on siblings
out school for one user one enforces everything
else
I usually gets away with it, which I think my husband
and I think this is part of the reason why?
Because he's gotten away with it for so long.
My husband, we need to just get this
right now. Why don't we just decided to stop?
What about doing one on one? Because I know two on one that
sounds great. But maybe it would be more effective if it's my
husband. Yeah, because he works a lot. So I I make, I make sure that
he spends time with the kids. Okay, so I hold them just so you
can get to more than one
day of the week and just use them to do Wednesdays, or Fridays, each
one of them out and things out, we then had dinner with him by
himself, but for some odd reason.
So maybe, well, you know, this would actually be a good exercise
for you to empower, like, you know, in saying, Hey, man, we
realize that it really bothers you. And so we decided to stop
this, but we want to work with you. Like, maybe we can talk about
a setup that would help you. What do you think? Can you give us
advice, let him rise to solve a problem for you. Right? And see,
maybe you might be creative and say, Well, you know, would help
when you guys do do that is if you XYZ and see if you can actually
work i This is where collaboration can really come through? Because
you might say, Well, okay, I'll be interested in giving you this kind
of, it's worth it for you.
But you know, that's what is his first thing to go when I tell him.
negotiation, teaching them how to negotiate fairly, and honestly,
and, you know, being is good for life skills, it's good for him to
learn that, you know, as long as you're happy with the conditions,
and he's happy, and it's mutually respected. But that's where you
you're teaching him like I respect to your needs. And the fact that
this really bothers you is something that's important to you
another dismissive of you will tell you, Oh, what's wrong with
you? Right? I don't do that. I'm actually going to honor that, you
know, maybe there's a, you have a psychosomatic response, as a
stress response makes you sick. You know, there's something
happening here. But I want to, you know, we still want to do this,
and how can you do? So that's a conversation that might work. And
so you know, and that's where, you know, discussions and debates are
also really healthy for this age group to actually have discussions
about this. Thinking about that, just see what they say, because
what that does is it tells them, I respect what you have to say, I'm
actually interested in what you have to say, I'm not just you
know, I don't know, you're just a little kid, you don't know
anything, which is, unfortunately, how a lot of parents you know, are
their teenagers, like, you don't know anything, I have to teach you
everything you don't know. But that's not true. Our kids are very
bright, much taller. And they actually could teach us a lot if
we listened. And sometimes just listening to me emotionally, even
with my own young children, sometimes they have literally
blown my mind. Because they'll say something where I'm like, wow, I
would have never thought of it that way. So we have to be willing
to see that. I mean, as they wrote, they always have
perspectives that we can benefit from.
Okay, so then what were the biggest threats is, again, part of
being an effective leadership, you need to know what the threats are
shaped not enough. So first and foremost, we notice I do in
movies, our own nerves is our enemy. That's why purification of
the heart diseases that matters to know this stuff and teach it to
your children, Bad Company, get rid of bad company, you don't need
Bad Company, champion can come into human form. And in a
spiritual form, that is a fact. There are shouting ins amongst us.
So people who take your children and basically try to, you know,
encourage them in the wrong path. Get them away from your children,
you have every right to to police, that media and pop culture, you
got to be on it, you have to know what your kids are listening to if
your kids have, you know, iPhones or access to music, and you're not
reading the lyrics that they're listening to. That's very
dangerous. The lyrics are demonic. And many of these songs like
literally demonic and you're and they're just like, all they're
listening to or like even versus and you're just like, oh, I can no
longer see what they're doing with attention. Internet, social media,
I've talked about this, but you have to be on your game about
this. There's websites like Common Sense Media. If your kids ever
want to download an app or a movie or anything, you can go and
quickly do a search and see if it's safe. See what other parents
are saying. See what other kids are saying that things before you
go okay, that's fine, whatever. I don't care if it is a free, okay.
It's not a shattering across the roof. That's what parents do.
Right? It's like so passive. And then you don't people need to know
like, like social media trainings, their vaults, apps that parents
are clueless about 1000s and 1000s of Vault apps. So it's a vault
app. It's an app that is a fake
It's basically like a calculator on your phone. And then you click
on the calculator. And guess what, it's actually a portal to
something far more nefarious and dangerous. It gives you access to
chats, it gives you access to store pictures and videos, you
have to now notice what developers designed them. Like, like, it's
not like they're just producing mass production. How do these
because it's appeals to kids, they know how to hide things from their
parents. So there's people who are making a lot of money off of these
apps, that you need to know this. So there's, you know, articles and
talk about how to, you know, basically get ahead and know even
like, what's going on, not just on social media, but what trends are
happening in schools, you know, they have all these weird trends,
and they do like a marshmallow thing, or they're like, you know,
just weird pictures, like, things that they have to do. What are the
trends that are catching on in schools? And are your kids
participate? Or are their friends participating? Kids have died
because of their fall into, again, pure, you know, accepted behavior,
and they think, Oh, I'm gonna be cool and popular if I do this. And
next thing, you know, they're in the emergency room, basically
flatline, because they did something without proper judgment.
And that's where as a parent, you have to think for them and be
ahead of things. Let me see your phone, make sure you have really
good policies, as far as social media is concerned in your home,
they shouldn't have the phone in their rooms, they shouldn't be
accessing things in the middle of the night. No, no, no. And all,
like computer access should be in common areas. So if they want to
do homework fine, the computers right there in the middle of the
kitchen area, space living room, everybody can walk by it, there's
no like, private screen time, just like no one does that. So we have
to have better rules when it comes to these things. And then, you
know, knowing what pressures are out there, and what they're
expected to conform to. Right? We talked about this, but identity
politics is a tricky thing right now in this country. And it's
confusing a lot of teenagers, they don't know who to identify with
how to identify what gender Am I now it's like it's getting out of
hand. So you need to know what's going on in society around you.
Because when they go to public schools, and they go to the
colleges and universities, these are the conversations that are
taking over our classrooms sited about education and more. So
social justice causes and things like that. So if you don't know
and you're checked out, then good luck, you know, you're gonna have
issues. So teach them to fit properly, how to protect
themselves, model the behavior you want them to follow, empower them
with strong effective tools in their toolkits, right, build their
confidence and courage, trust, communicating effectively
identifying their strengths and weaknesses. And, you know,
something that I don't know if we'll have time today, maybe for
our next session, is the four temperaments actually didn't want
to introduce that to you guys today, but it's a lot of
information. But just to kind of give you some hope. You know, it's
really important to know what's going on between
teens or youth that are religious and identify religiously, and
those that don't, and this gives us some hope and trouble 54% of
teens devoted to God say they are very happy while only 29% of
disengaged say they're very happy. So they're basically clear
difference right there. In giving your child being at an early age
and positively introducing things to that and really just doing it
the correct way, inshallah they'll be happy children. That's what we
all want your kids to be happy