Hosai Mojaddidi – Qur’anic Parenting Lessons & Stories in the Quran (Part 3)
AI: Summary ©
The importance of balance and understanding rights for parents is crucial for children to learn and grow. Personal and parenting rights are crucial for children to learn and grow, and parents should teach children about Islam and bring in parents' behavior for reference. The speakers emphasize the importance of perfect parenting, strong personal information to protect one's identity and social stability, and protecting mental exhaustion and models perfect parenting. They offer support to those who need help, and emphasize the importance of not forgetting that everything is happening.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim Al hamdu lillah wa Salatu was Salam
ala Shiva MBA will mursaleen say that our Mowlana Where have you
been on Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa salam ala alihi wa sahbihi wa
salam, the Sleeman kathira. Welcome to the third and final
installment of Quranic parenting. And Hamdulillah. Thank you for all
of those who've been tuning in. The videos are available on the
MCC website, if you wanted to go back and watch the first two
sessions. But this will be the final session. So I'm going to now
zip through some slides because I need to get to section three
today.
And last week, I did a summary but it took a little bit of time. So
I'm just going to ask all of you to go back and watch those to get
session two, but session three is on balanced parenting. So with
that said, let's go ahead and begin.
Here's a beautiful quote from the moment of ezeli. To get what you
love, you must first be patient with what you hate. So there are a
lot of things that we we need these reminders as we continue to
parent or if we embark on the journey of parenting, that it is a
constant balancing act between a lot of emotions, and it's if you
have this perspective than inshallah you will manage, you'll
manage and won't be easy, but you'll manage. So balanced
parenting is really, again, knowing how to navigate the
demands of the dunya, which we are all sometimes drowning in with the
goals and objectives of the Afra for yourself as well as your
children. Because although we live here, this is not where we reside,
or wish to reside, right? We're here temporarily. So just like
when you vacation, you go and you rent a space, it's only temporary,
right? Your final or actual home is somewhere else. So that's how
the believer looks at dunya that this is just we're passing
through, but we still have to live. So therefore you have to be
able to meet those demands, as well as keeping your eye on the
final destination, which is the life after this world. And that is
for you, as well as your children. So always keeping both of these in
balance, right? What do I need to do to survive in this world? But
what do I need to do to have salvation in the next world,
right, survive and salvation. So you want to think of those two.
And so I mentioned this last time, I like acronyms, because they
work, they're easy to remember, I make them up there, it's nothing
special. But here's an acronym that I hope is helpful for you.
Balanced parenting is parenting with PMC. I know. It's not as
catchy. But let's work with this. So the first one is prioritizing,
right? This is knowing your responsibilities first. And then
the rights. Sometimes we enter either the domain of marriage or
parenting, always with all of our rights in check, like, we know
what we're gonna get what we expect what to do to us. But then
when you follow up with, do you know what is expected of you, we
don't really always know those things, right? So you have to know
the rights, the responsibilities of the,
you know, the role that you're going to take on first. And then
after you've really, you know, make sure you have that down, then
you move on to your rights, right. So you should know what are the
rights of children over the parent? Not the opposite, right?
What is the child's right over me? What will I be called into account
for? What does Allah expecting of me because, as we mentioned,
parenting is an Amana. It's a trust from Allah. So right there,
the role or the responsibility is on us to fulfill the rights of
children, right. But if we don't even know those, clearly, that's a
problem. So we have to know what the rights of children are over us
next are then we can learn what are the rights of the parent or
the child right? Now that I know my responsibility as a parent,
what am I owed, as a parent? And what should I be guiding my
children to, so that I am raising responsible children who
understand that life is always about this balance, right of
roles, responsibilities, rights, and so that they understand also
what's expected of them. And over time as they grow, that they
really, again, have a clearer understanding. And then the next
thing is really important, because this is probably in my estimation,
one of the biggest contributing factors to why households are
falling apart, is because we have not yet defined are we going to
model our marriages and families according to our cultures, or
Islam? Because if it's your culture, you're going to likely
have a lot of problems, especially when you look at blended families
and you have a husband and a wife who come from two different
cultures. Now who gets to call the shots right? Because if
My culture, if I think my culture is the best, and my husband thinks
his culture is the best, then what we're going to be squabbling over
every little thing. You know, my this is, you know, the customer in
my family years isn't as good. And it's just this constant
competition that's really terrible to start off of a marriage like
that, let alone a family. But so many people do that. And even
within the same cultures, you'll have this. So it's not even a, you
know, mixed family, you'll have well, my, you know, tribe of this
culture does it this way, or my family did it this. So ignorance,
and it's why we have so many problems. So we have to go back to
making that definitive decision, which is, our family is going to
be run according to Islam, the model that set before us by the
prophesy Saddam, and what he taught us and all of the teachings
of our faith that have come after, that is what we are going to run
our family according to not culture, because culture changes,
if you know, it's fluid, Islam is fixed, and it's perfect.
Then you want to go into the next part here, which is modeling.
Again, if you want a balanced household, you have to understand
that children learn, especially when they're younger, they learn
mostly from modeling. They're watching you, they're learning,
and they're imitating. And if you're not going to put forth
virtuous acts and be a good person, and all of that meaning,
then to expect that your child has the best job and manners and ended
up is just a model child is is is quite frankly, insane. Because
where would they learn that if you're not doing that yourself, so
you have to be working on your own self, and really correcting your
own character, so that your children can learn from you. But
if you're oblivious to yourself, and you're just you know,
dictating to your children, thinking that they're going to
learn under your command,
it doesn't work that way. So they need proper guidance, they need
to, you know, make sure that again, that you you have that
understanding that they learned from by imitating listening and
observing. So model, good behavior, excellent behavior. And
then the last part of this is customizing, right? So this idea
of a one size fits all model of parenting is also it doesn't work
there, there are philosophies of parenting, but each of us have to
really think about what works for our family. And so if you have
multiple children in your, in your family, you have to take the time
as a parent to know them, to know their temperament, their
personalities, what's different about one in one house, you will
find multiple different personality types, you'll find the
aggressive kind of intense personality type, you know, strong
willed, you'll have the more sensitive, you'll have the
extroverted, that is very social, and, you know, out and about and
makes friends easily. And then you'll have others that are more
introverted, if you don't realize this about your children.
And you kind of just give all your kids the same rules, and expect
them all to fall in line like little, you know, soldiers in an
army, it just doesn't work that way, you have to be paying
attention to the nuances in your children's personalities, and
realize that even in the same household, even in the same womb,
right, twins, triplets, quadruplets, all of them, their
womb mates, right, as they call them, you will find children who
share the same womb completely different temperaments. That's a
lot. That's just a proof of a lot right there. They have the same
DNA, but completely different personalities and temperaments. So
you have to take the time to know them. And also you have to know
about what each child what the dangers are for each child. Like
if you have a child that's easily influenced, if they're very, you
know, people pleasing, you have to know that they're going to have a
very different set of dangers than the one that is super strong
willed. And, you know, has a very, like, kind of take charge attitude
they have a different set of circumstances are working with,
right? Are they going to have a you know, each of them will have
challenges because of those, you know, what they're presenting. So
the dangers as when they're young look like that. But as they grow
older, right? Think of a highly influential child that good enters
adolescence. What happens to that child, when when you know,
they make a friend was someone in school that's telling them, Hey,
let's go do this. And let's go do that. If you're not aware of your
child's temperament to give them the strength to be able to resist
giving into people
Losing and just kind of going along with the crowd, then they
will fall. And that's what's happening everywhere, you're
finding a, just a crisis with our youth, because all of these
children who have not been fortified with what they need,
specifically, are being then set out into, you know, amongst the
wolves, and we expect them to be fine, it doesn't work that way we
are our responsibility is to protect them. Part of protection
isn't just keeping them safe, from, you know, shelter and and
all of that it's also seeing the present dangers and giving them
the tools necessary. This is what tarbiyah is the tools necessary
for them to navigate the world. But it requires present parenting
requires that you're paying attention, and you actually care
to know the differences in your child's personality. And that's
where temperament theory is very useful. I think I may have
mentioned it before, but temperaments we have in our faith,
this is called Mi ZEdge. It is to study that the different
temperaments so I mentioned extroverted introverted, you also
will understand the difference between a reactive child and a
nonreactive. So, for example, if you have a child that gets very
easily agitated and blows up emotionally, they just, they can't
contain their emotions. I mean, that's typical of young children.
But even if you have adolescents or young teenagers, who are very
instantly, you know, just it's like a switch comes on, that child
needs to learn how to regulate that emotion, right? Because they
can, it can harm them, and it can harm other people. That's why you
see a lot of harm happening in the world because of people who have
never learned to regulate that emotional response to whatever the
circumstances, right. But then you have the opposite of a child who
is nonreactive. And so there, there are a lot of, you know,
kids, for example, who get bullied easily, it's not that they are
weak, we make that mistake and assume that some children have a
slower emotional process to heightened situations. So when a
classmate comes in, grabs their you know, thing, you know, whether
it's a young child or
with an older kid, if something happens to him, that kind of comes
left field, they're not prepared for it, they have that freeze, you
know, they kind of freeze in the moment.
Now, if you don't teach your child that that's natural, right, then
what happens is someone else tells them how to label themselves or
think of themselves, you're weak. So then they carry that label
forever, that, Oh, I'm this weak person, because I can't respond or
react in the moment that is horrible to do that to a young
child. Whereas if you teach them before, which is what we're
supposed to do that listen, Allah made all of us very different.
Some people are reactive, some people are not. And the beautiful
examples that we can draw from, which is where President parenting
is really shown is look at the whole of Russia, dude. They are
each of them. They represent one of the four temperaments, and they
were all very powerful leaders, but they were not the same. You
have a boubakeur, who was very quiet, subdued, but incredibly
strong. He was the right hand of the prophesy said I'm always there
by his side, dutiful, stable, but he was not a person of many words.
Right? And then you have alma de la han, he was intimidating.
People were terrified of him. Right. And that's why when he
embraced Islam, he brought so much strength to the Ummah because he
was just this mountain of a man. And he maintained that throughout
his life, and then you have a man who was gentle, so gentle that the
angels were shy of him he was he was known to have incredible
modesty even the angels were shaved off men behind and then you
have said that Ali, who is cheerful and so warm and welcoming
all of them again, according to our scholars representing one of
the four temperaments you have in in aboubaker. You have the
melancholic, which is again, not very verbose, not very talkative,
but stoic, strong, nonreactive stable force. choleric, is the
next temperament that's in a lot. forceful, very outspoken, right?
formidable. Then you have a tough man, read the law and say that
with men, who is the phlegmatic temperament, gentle, very loving,
modest, kind of just calming presence, excuse me. And then you
have said Ali, who was the sanguine, cheerful, sociable,
always, you know, just warm and welcoming. These are beautiful
models that we can teach our children so that they see that all
of their temperaments are beautiful, and not one is not
better than the other. So I remember once I did a talk many
years ago, at an event and this one
came to me afterwards I was talking about temperaments. And
she came to me afterwards that she was crying. She was crying because
she said, I wish I knew this when my children were younger. She
said, as you're explaining this, I realized that I punished my quiet
son, always his whole life because I compared him to his older
brother, who was the more outgoing, athletic, super
talkative social one. She said, I didn't realize I just thought he
was deficient, right? Because that's what the society tells you.
They we create these, you know, black and white archetypes where
it's like, if you're not this way, there's something wrong with you.
And our children are susceptible to those messages. Because in
their world, what children are exposed to, by celebrities, and by
all the other stuff that's in on the online world, is saying the
same thing, that if you're famous, you're cool, right? You're
relevant. If you have a lot of followers or in school, if you are
what popular, right? If you're a popular, that means you have a lot
of friends, which means you're super funny. You're outgoing.
You're charming, right? And so a child is told to look at
themselves constantly in contrast to that, and if they don't fit
that, they feel that they are what, I'm a loser, this is the
self talk of our children, our youth are literally bombarded with
this message in their inner voice. I have no friends, I'm a loser.
I'm quiet. I don't speak up in class, I'm a loser. I'm this I
don't I don't, you know, sign up for this sport, or do this, I'm a
loser. This is the negative self talk, because nobody is telling
them that no, you're not a loser. You're actually one of the
beautiful temperaments that Allah gave us. And this is actually, you
know, and then you can go on and expand and say that the prophesy
centum had all four of these temperaments in perfect balance.
And so you're representing one of his temperaments, right. And this
is how we empower our children to not fall into the narratives that
they're being taught in, in this general society. A parent who's
not aware of these things will not know to do that. They won't even
talk to their children about these things. And sometimes we are the
ones actually, who are giving them those messages, right? What's
wrong with you? When I was young? I never did that. What's wrong
with you? What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? If that's
what your children are hearing? Why would you expect them to have
any sense of confidence in themselves, because you're making
a comparison to either yourself or other children, your cousins, how
many kids and I hear from youth, by the way, so I'm not speaking in
just general terms, I'm telling you of some of the pain that youth
have come to me with, about what their parents tell them. You know,
they're comparing them to cousin's or other friends, always, and
making them feel that they're deficient. And it's because we
have failed to recognize that our children are all beautiful, every
single child is beautiful. They are light, they are in fitrah,
they are sinless, right. And that's why we love to see
children. You know, Sheikh Hamza mentioned this recently, but he
said, You know, when you look at the face of children, right, it
just, it lights you up, you don't feel that with adults, you know,
we don't get like, oh, what you know, I mean, some adults
mashallah when they're when there are people of God, but generally
speaking, because he was saying, we've amassed so much sin, right,
that is reflecting in our face, whereas children are pure and
sinless. They even smell pure, you know, he was saying this to like,
an adult, you don't bathe for a few days. It's not it's not a
pleasant sight, or smell. But children don't really see
anything, right? Subhanallah because they're sinless. So they
are light. And if you don't appreciate that about them, and
you just kind of, you know, they're nuisances, shooing them
away, or,
you know, we just we need to bring back restore that that sense of
respect towards children Inshallah, but this is balanced
parenting. So that prioritization, modeling and customizing, and is
also now a reminder about that. We've mentioned this, but another
reminder of parenting is a trust from God right almost to actually
tells us now specifically, fear Allah and treat your children
small or grown fairly with equal justice. We all need this
reminder. Because we're very, we caught all young children and
we're tenting or tending to them. We rushed to them as soon as they
have something going on, because we're so afraid they're fragile to
us, right? But as our kids get a little older, we start to, you
know, wane in that and that attentiveness towards them. And we
almost kind of just figure it out, right? Do it on your own. And
that's not to say there's anything wrong with trying to create that
sense of independence and autonomy and children, but it's more about
the heart. And if you are no longer you know, treating your
grown up children with that same sense of fairness and, and mercy
and compassion and justice that you were when they were younger.
This is the message that you need to be reminded of, because their
age doesn't matter. You cannot be
He harsher just because your child is now bigger and seems like
they're an adult, which yes, when when they're technically speaking,
when they've reached puberty, they are considered adults in Islam.
But that doesn't mean that you begin to speak to them in a way
that you've diminished that that sense of justice and fairness,
right? Because you see, sometimes parents losing a lot more patience
with older children than they ever would with younger children. And
it's because you should know better. That's the attitude. And a
lot of it does come back to that comparison, I could never speak to
my parents this way, I would never leave my bedroom this way, I would
never do this, and the harshness comes through, but your treatment
of the child should still be fair. And just beyond the sight of
truth, don't let your ego always run the show, basically. And
whether they're young or small.
And then we mentioned that children's rights are mandated by
God. So we have to know what they are. And there are Hadith that
describe, in essence, what the rights of children are, but among
them are that they have a beautiful name, that you name your
children with beautiful names, and not names that are, you know, in
any way disparaging sometimes, for you know, people, people will come
up and I'm sure you've seen it. Now there's a lot of attention
seeking behavior, even through children, right. So it's like, I
want a weird name that has some abstract meaning I've seen people
like even symbols and letters and like, there's no real meaning to
that name. But it's, it makes the parent feel good. You know, like,
I got a I got a cool, eclectic, strange name. I'm the mother or
father of so and so. But if that name has no meaning, or has a bad
meaning, this would be you know, wrong on the parent, because the
child should be, you know, deserving of something of honor.
Right. So name your children with excellent names. Another right is
that we educate them, and give them sound education. Now, the
word education is complicated, because immediately we think of
schooling, right. But we're not talking about schooling here,
necessarily, we're talking about that idea that your children need
to know Allah subhana that they need to know the prophesy centum
they need to know the book of ALLAH SubhanA, they need to know
they're out Qaeda, they need to have a grounding in the deen. And
that takes precedence over all the other stuff that we're worried
about. And I know because I was there too, with my young children,
the first thing you think about is Oh, my God, can they read, I need
to get them to read. So we were all thinking of ABCs in the womb,
the first book is like, okay, he sees like, the infant is like,
just born yesterday. We don't need to read to that child yet. But
there is this fear, right? That we're not gonna we're gonna
mentally you know, handicap them if we don't do these things early.
But then the spiritual handicap, nobody thinks about what about
their spiritual well being? What if they don't know anything? Or
they don't have the right understanding? And then you put
them into environments where they're gonna get the wrong
understanding? How are they going to navigate that. So if you're
going to not give your children that foundational knowledge, but
then put them in an environment where they are taught by other
people who literally do not believe in God? And who may in
fact, you know, in one way or another, get that message across
to your children? Then how can they protect the how can they be
protected? So it's our task, to lay the very, very strong
foundation. And when it comes to the six articles of faith, for
example, you know, we know right God, His messengers, His books,
His prophets, the angels, the Day of Judgment, Heaven and * of
that, right. These are the six articles. I would caution with
young children introducing the heavy topics, we don't need to
talk about fire and brimstone and hellfire. We don't need to talk
about shaitan. With young children, they don't need to know
that bliss exists. Don't scare them and fight them like oh, it's
dark at night. You know, don't do this, or you know, people will
sometimes it's very cultural to do that. But it's, it's traumatizing
to young children, when you introduce those ideas, because
they're in the world of imagination and play in there and
Fidra and shallow, they're with Allah always in this beautiful
state. And then you bring them out of that, as we say, the Garden of
Eden, and you cast them into * with these images, terrifying
images, no, don't do it. If you need to control your parent, your
children, threatening them with that kind of message is not the
way to go. You have to do better and the better thing to do is to
actually teach them about Allah and love of Allah and Jana, and
angels of light and the stories incredible stories from the
theater of the prophesy centum, which we should know, because one
of the things that I find devastating in the modern world is
that our children would rather sit in front of a screen, which is
just, you know, puts them in a complete spell. And, you know,
extended exposure, as we know absolutely affects their brain.
But they would rather do that because they've entered this
fantastic world of lights and images, all based on farce. It's
all lies, right? It's all image. It's just
It's fantasy. It's not real. But then we haven't done our job to
convey to them the truth of a story like the revelation, right?
Like a sloth was a mirage, when when the prophesy centum was
first, you know, seeing Angel Jibreel if we don't have the
words, because we haven't learned those stories well enough to
convey these powerful, real, truthful stories to our children,
but then we're quick to turn on Disney plus and Netflix and let
them enter that World of War shaitan. I mean, literally, the if
you haven't done the research, look, go and look at the many
people who who've shown the hidden symbolism and a lot of the
messages in Disney films, there are subliminal messages. This is
not, you know, conspiracy theory, it's real. They do not really
care. They like to, you know, put certain things out there because
that's the way they normalize things, right? So anyway, that's a
different conversation. But think about this as a parent, that you
need to know these stories well, so that they can come to a masjid
Inshallah, or come to a space where they will feel so
invigorated by hearing a story about you know, when, when Angel
Jibreel came to too hot here, and he saw the roses and he said,
squeeze, like, all of that imagery that you're bringing, because
you've done the work to say, I'm going to show you what a real
incredible story looks like, you know, if you're not keep turning
your way to video games and films, I'm going to bring that to you
that all of ALLAH SubhanA wa Tada, I'm going to show you that. And
I'm going to sustain that with continued exposure to the Sierra
and the Quran. Because there are miracles upon miracles upon
miracles that ALLAH SubhanA has left for us that are Trent, it's a
treasure trove of stories. But we don't know it, then we don't know
how to convey it. And we cannot expect the masjid or a teacher to
always do it, it's on us as parents to learn. If you can read,
you have to know how to do these things. So an education is really
gotta be it's that knowledge of God, that's the ultimate and the
highest form of knowledge. So this is just a reminder for all of us,
you know, to lead, we mentioned about modeling before, but we have
to lead by example. And we have to know the difference between
commanding the respect and demanding when we begin to raise
our voice to our children, which we all are guilty of at times. And
sometimes it's because they're far, that's not what I'm talking
about. Because if you're just trying to reach them, that's fine.
But if it's there right in front of you, and you're angry, because
maybe you want something done, or something happened, that shouldn't
have happened. A perfect example, you know, your child goes to, to
get some milk, and then
the entire jug collapses on the floor. Right? You have to if
that's ever happened to you before, or a glass breaks or
something, just, you know, disturbs you, because it was it
was a unexpected event. Pay attention to your reaction in that
moment. Right. Some parents, I've seen it actually, it's quite
tragic and very upsetting to see a young child be reprimanded
harshly, because their small hands can't hold like Sorry.
May Allah forgive us because we let the world overwhelmingness
then we don't realize these precious hearts don't deserve a
scolding because
their hands couldn't hold something properly.
So we have to move away from this idea that, that if I raise my
voice, I get what I want out of the failure of parenting. You
don't need to raise your voice. You just need to speak with
respect and you can be firm. You can say, please don't do that. But
to yell to threaten, or to scold harshly and humiliate a child,
just because they were children is a failure on us. I mean, Allah
forgive us for breaking pure hearts of children. May Allah
never let us do that to children.
So this point about, you know, tailoring our parenting is really
important, as I mentioned, but here we have some sage advice from
Santa Ali ready Allah and He reminds us beautifully, that we
have to do better in terms of tailoring our parenting because,
first of all, do not raise your children, the way your parents
raised you because they were born of a different time. So whatever
you experienced as a child of your parents, is not enough as you know
to replicate. You can borrow from certain things that were
for you, or that were pleasant, good memories, good rules that
your parents showed, and it worked for you and your sibling. Sure.
But if that's all that's informing your parenting and you're not
reading books or not learning about children's temperaments,
developmental stages, you know that, that in the next, I mean,
look at the Insight look at the insight that they gave us 1400
plus years ago about the developmental stages of children,
that they're only now learning about, right if you can, if you
know Erik Erikson, psychosocial development, you know, eight
stages. It's all it's Subhanallah, reflecting the exact, you know,
information that we had centuries ago, play with your children till
the age of seven. Why? Because this is look at them. They're so
sweet. This is the age of play. They're learning this world is
new, they've been thrust into the universe. And everything is
sensory. So they're just learning they need to touch they need to
put things in their mouths, and sometimes we don't want them to,
but that's how they know things. Right? So let them play. But you
know what, play with them enter their world. You see some fathers
who come home from work.
They don't want to play with their children. I'm tired, and they'll
go straight to their video games, computers, start working more even
though you just came from work. Let's just work. They don't want
to get on the ground and sit and Let's wrestle. Let's play. You
want to play Legos you want to play play doh? Mom, maybe if
you're stay at home, you have to do you have no choice, you will go
crazy, right? If you do not do that, sometimes you're doing two
things at the same time you're cooking, you're flipping, you
know, but I doesn't then also playing with the child or cooking
rice if you're just doing all the stuff, but you have no choice
because children demand our attention. So it goes to both but
the point is, is we have to play with our children enter their
world go into their play rooms. And I'm telling you, probably some
of the sweetest parenting moments I've ever had in my life was when
I did that. When I took a pause for my adult Mind and Brain and
said, You know what, I just want to be a kid today. Let me go into
my kid's room. And literally, and well I hate sometimes I would get
emotional because the the shock of my kids seeing me enter without
invitation. They didn't invite me. They didn't say mommy, come play
with us. I would open the door. And I would just go sit on the
floor. And they were like, frozen, looking at me like what are you
doing here? Because it wasn't, I wasn't as often as I would have
liked it to be. But they were very pleasantly surprised when I said
she's here to play with you. Can I play with you?
too? You want to play with us? Of course. And then of course, Mommy.
So here's this guy. I have two boys. So as Lego lead basically in
my house still is. But the joy that would overcome them at seeing
me wanting to enter their world. We have to do that as parents,
right. So play with your children be silly, be goofy. If you come
ask my kids, they'll tell you the whole other side of Jose that you
guys wouldn't even know or think it exists. But yes, I am very
goofy, I'm very. I do voices, I will get into character. I do it
all. There's nothing really because I want them to have fun.
And we can we can do that. Michelle, my sister in law's here
so I'll just mentioned this about her. She's Michelle wonderful with
children may Allah bless her. But in addition to her, her husband, I
always say was my brother in law. I say he's like a walking
amusement park for kids. Because mashallah his ability to connect
with children especially, I've seen him mostly with boys. But he
is just so fun. And my kids to this day, even though I have a 13
year old who's almost you know, six feet, they still get excited
when Hamza kaka is coming. Because they know it's gonna be a lot of
fun. You know, and he's like that with his own children. So of
course, he's going to be like that with children in general. And so
how much mazing ability to connect to tell stories read, do the same
voices play? You know, this is the kind of parenting philosophies
that really work with young children. So do that more and get
over your, your cultural, you know, added sometimes it's just
culture that tells us Oh, that's kind of silly. Or but no, just if
the prophesy son could do it, who are we? He played with children.
He let them crawl on his back. He would race he would do things. So
who are we what we're too cool or too adult or too mature. It's all
ego, be like him and you'll succeed, discipline and teach them
from the age of seven to 14. This is the next level. So when they
reach that age of seven, you're going to see an awakening that
happens because they are starting to think about themselves in the
world around them. And they do you start to see a little bit more
maturity. So this is where giving them more tasks, giving them
responsibilities, teaching them about their photo ID right like
what the will do and then prayer starting that process, and over
time solidifying that identity
See that I have almost live to that I pray just like mama and
Baba that I make will do that I read the Quran, all of that comes
in that age of seven to 14, right? And then befriend them at the age
of 14 plus. So now as we're, you know, we're teaching in the middle
and guiding, and then the befriending comes when they really
need it, you know, our teens are going through a lot, they have a
lot of social pressures that overwhelm them. And they need to
know that their parents are a refuge. Right? So if we are
meeting them constantly with a litany of tasks that they have to
do and responsibilities, and we don't really make time to connect,
and just say, Hey, how are you? How's it going talk to me, and
just, you know, hold them, you know, sometimes, you'd be
surprised. And I really want to say this for parents of boys
because I have boys. But one of the destructive things about
modern society is that it has created you know, this, it's just
something that's happened with boys around this age of
adolescence, where emotionally they start to really shut down and
they don't talk about what they're feeling because they are told or
conditioned that instance in society, they're conditioned by
society to think that emotions are for girls right? So boys just have
to act tough and and very all of it very their insecurities very
their fears, very their anxieties, because if you talk about it,
you're not you're not strong, you're weak, right? You're like a
girl. That's really the the insult that boys receive to be anything
like girls and and so all of that. It's horrible. But again, when you
look at the prophesy seven and the way that he nurtured this
emotionality, and even the youth, you know, there's that famous
story of omad, hula lost his bird, and the province was set up, you
know, he was holding his bird and the palms of Saddam went to him.
And he basically helped him reconcile and grieve over the loss
of his pet. Like, you have permission to be sorry, you know,
yeah, I mean, feel sorrow and sadness. He didn't tell him
toughen up. What's wrong with you, it's just a bird, go bury it. You
know, like some of our cultures do around these things. It's like,
because you're a boy, you can't cry a girl sure all poor girl.
It's horrible to do that let our boys be human beings, they're not
robots. So allowing them to be expressive towards you. And
inviting, that is so essential, as a parent inviting them to talk to
you. So with my boys, we, you know, I do and I have to do it
again, because I kind of had a hiatus. But I would do these, what
we called mommy son like dates where we would go separately. So I
would not take the family, I wouldn't take them as a unit. I
would take them each separately and give them a total separate fun
experience all for themselves so that they get undivided mommy or
Baba attention. And my husband did the same. It was both of us having
to do it with each kid. And they loved it. Because it was like, I
feel special, I feel seen. And you'll you'll love it too. Because
you realize like, I'm always speaking to more than one of you,
you know. And it's nice to just see one of you and not worry about
what the other one is doing right now. So to separate the kids is
good good to do. But that is essential at the age of the
leader. 10 years. So now I kind of just go into similar similar
discussions what I just said, but we kind of want to know what young
children need most they need love, safety and guidance, all of our
kids. These are their primary needs right now when they're
young. Right. And the tools that we can do to inculcate the love of
the prophesy sentiment in our children is storytelling with
animation. So we have to be more animated in our storytelling. We
have to know those stories, songs and rhymes you know, I'm this is a
shameless plug, but why not? I wrote a book called Clear the path
rhyme book for on manners for little Muslims. And the reason I
wrote that book is because I worked with young children, I
realized like, wow, I can teach them all day about Allah and the
Prophet and just lecture them, but it's not going to stick. But if I
sing to them anything they'll remember. So I said, Okay, we all
want our children to have good manners. Why not? Give them a book
on manners that rhymes and it works on the law? Because they
just wanted to sing the lyrics all day, but what were they thinking
about? Being a good Muslim, so you know, raw rhymes work and you can
make up your own songs. You don't have to cut and paste everything
from a professional just make silly songs up, they don't care.
They're the most receptive, amazing audience you can have as a
young child, you can be tone deaf, have no rhyme skills whatsoever,
have no musicality, but your young kids will go because they just
like to see you as not, you know, this adult and you're being
willing to be silly. So do that stuff and then model you know,
that's what they need modeling. And then the second group are
second developmental stages that eight to 11.
What do they need love, of course, respect. And reassurance this
world becomes very scary at this age, because they're coming out of
as we say, like the Garden of Eden. And they're now because
Janna everything is great, it's rosy. It's amazing, right. But
when you start to see and hear about things like young, you know,
middle schoolers, this is where they hear stories from their
parent or their friends about kidnapping, and murders. And
you're like, really dark themes. And so poor kids start to
suddenly, you know, they get scared of the world. So they need
a lot of reassurance and a lot of love and hugs, and it's okay, and
ah, so get them in the habit of calling on Allah, if you're
scared, if you're upset about something, just call it a lot of
us with you always, you'll always be there for you, he'll rescue
you. And I can't tell you how many times I have the like, my son will
come out of nowhere, and he'll go mommy, mommy, you know, he said, I
had a headache. And I was feeling so bad. And I'm a DA, and I asked
him a lot, please get rid of my headache, and it's gone. And I'm
like, of course, because your thoughts was the job. But they
know to do that, because we taught them you your pain, make dollar
will take it away. So we have to teach that at this age, so that
they get in those good habits, right? And so what tools can we
teach them with storytelling, of course, always works with kids at
all ages. But now we want to move into those metaphors and analogies
to that's another really good tool to use because there are, you
know, a lot of stories in the Quran are metaphorical, right? And
lessons in the Quran. And so, you know, that's, that's the those are
the types of stories that work. And also, because they're in that
age of seeing the, the, you know, the, the sort of dystopian nature
of the world that good versus evil, right? That's kind of what
they begin to understand the world as, it's really good to expose
them to, like, stories were of nobility of valor of like,
overcoming odds. So the battle stories of the theater, for
example, right, like by that, but there's an amazing story to tell
children at this age, because the numbers are so like, incredible
how they beat right? The machine, despite their low numbers, but
because they had, you know, the the profits of them, obviously,
but almost a cent helpers to them, all of that imagery needs to come
through. So showing stories of overcoming hardships, really
speaks to this age, because they're going through a lot of
that internally. And then of course, modeling the excellent
behavior that we want with them. And the final stage, you know,
what do they need the most love, respect and empathy, we need to
empathize with our teens, because they are going through a lot that
we don't understand. And instead of judging them and expecting
always the best gold standard of behavior at all times, always, we
have to also figure out what's wrong. Why aren't they, for
example, sluggish to come to prayer, right? Because a lot of I
get these questions all the time. My team doesn't want to pray
anymore. They don't want to come to the masjid. I'm frustrated.
What do I do with them? Yes, I can understand to be frustrated by
that. Because you want the best for your children. So you feel
like they're standing in the way of that. But I would say find out
why what's going on, maybe there's something that's happening. Maybe
there's a classmate of theirs from school, you never know Muslims go
to the school together, that they don't like to come see at the
masjid because they have a history that you don't know about. You got
to fish for what the core issue is, do the investigation, ask the
right questions get to the core, is there something you know, very
good example, like my teenage son when he was maybe 11 or 12? He
just flat out said Mommy sometimes in prayer, I get distracted. Like,
I can't really focus, you know, and instead of responding with
that with like, Shane, like, Will that's not good and, and just
start judging that you want to give them you know, like, what's
going on? Like, what are you thinking about? What are what are
the things that come in and come up for you? And you know, sure
enough, it's going to be the game that they have the next day or
that seeing their friends you know, all the stuff that we adults
also experience. We're always planning future events during our
prayer all the bidet May Allah forgive us. So we just have to
humanize them and say, Okay, so let's come up with some tools of
how you can be more focused. And so I told my son, for example, I
since what I want you to do, I mean, just if you feel feel free
to use this, but I said, I want you to for every prayer, before
you get in the prayer, think of a couple of things. One, one thing
that you're grateful for just one thing, one thing and one thing
only do that to think about the suitors you want to recite before
you get into prayer, don't make those on, you know, as you're
doing it, because sometimes we just get in prayer immediately.
And then we're thinking of these things. But I said if you're more
intentional before the prayer, you'll find yourself more focused,
right? And it worked for him, right? And so it's just these are
little tools that we can teach them, but that's empathizing. Like
I get it your child your brain is distracted easily. So let me help
you rein that mind in by giving you tools instead of just
shaming because I want you to be perfect and you're not. And now
I'm mad at you, which is what parents do. So how can we
inculcate love of God in His Messenger friendship and
mentorship, it's really important that we extend also for other
adults in their lives that can play that role of a mentor.
Because there are there are adults believe it or not, it happens,
it's happened, it's happened to me before. And I've been on the other
side of it, where the parent and their friend or this mentor will
verbatim say the exact same thing to the child, but they take it
more from the mentor than they do for the parent. And for the
parent, it's hard, it's hard on our hearts to see like, Well,
really, I've given you my whole life. And you're gonna take this
person's word, I said the same thing to you last week, and you
didn't even believe me, right? But it's just the way it goes. And
this is part of their actual natural, you know, development,
because in this age, they are wired to start to separate from us
and it makes perfect sense, they eventually have to be like the
bird that leaves the nest and fly on their own. So there's always
this tethered to mom and dad, they will not learn to fly. So there is
this kind of detachment that slowly begins in adolescence. And
we have to be okay with that. We're that's why enlisting the
help of trusted mentors, is not seen as you know, something that
we should be territorial about, no, you're bringing them in to be
a helpers along the way for you and your family. So look for those
helpers, by the way, when they're young, because trust me, Time
moves very quickly. And all of a sudden, you're like, Oh, my God, I
need some really good adults that I can trust my kids to. So forge
those relationships when they're younger, so that by the time
they're older, that adult has already an established rapport
with your child, but they need that mentorship and they also need
classes and experiences. Really important to bring your youth to
classes with you. You know, do that figure it out. If this Masjid
has something that's for families, and you know the offerings work
for your family? Mashallah, if it doesn't, guess what? We're in one
of the blessed places in this entire planet, in that we have so
many massages, so many incredible organizations doing a lot of good
things, do the work, look up research, go on threads, ask what
are classes, my child is interested in this in this
whatever it is, find something and if it's doesn't exist, make it
honestly, we got to go past this idea that everything has to be
done for us. It taking initiative is important. And what is taking
initiative saying you know what, my child, for example, likes to do
crafts, okay, if you don't see a craft class, make a craft class,
call up your mom friends or your dad friends and say let's do a
workshop. You know, I mean, I don't want to put it on brother
veneer, but maybe MCC can host something like that for the
parents to do together here. You can create a club environment
where you do it regularly, or you can open up your home. You know,
if it's that important to you to have your child connected with the
masjid or the you know, your deen, then you need to come up with
experiences for your child. And don't just give up because they
don't exist, take the initiative and make it happen. Where there's
a will there's a way and I've seen it happen before a low will give
you Sofia inshallah. And then discussion and debate, this is a
really important one too. For our teens, we need to encourage our
teens to think we need to encourage our teens to push back
on narratives. So if you don't know, for example, if you've never
studied logic, and the art of rhetoric, the art of public
speaking, you need to learn you should and there are by the way
classes like there's Toastmasters, which offers classes which youth
can also attend. So I've I've attended a few. And you will see
sometimes parents bringing their 12 1314 year old child and I'm
like good for you. Because if there's ever a class that your
child will really benefit from it is discussion and debate and
public speaking, put your youth especially teens, I mean, I would
say even pre adolescents in those opportunities to develop that
skill set. Because when they're being bombarded with messages as
they are right now, but they don't have the words to defend
themselves. That's what they get sucked in. But when you've given
them the tools to say, Wait a second, that's a logical fallacy.
That's a flawed argument. I can prove you wrong. Guess what,
they're not going to be falling into this or that Pat, you know,
camp, because they have the tools to see a lie and a distortion,
right for what it is because you've taught them and if you
don't know how to do it, guess what? There are a lot of online
programs that teach logic. There are courses that you can take for
yourself. There are books you can buy there on their websites, I
mean, YouTube videos that are free, it's all free. You don't
even have to do anything. You have to pay anything. But it's uh, I
would. I mean, those are all available but I really would
suggest even pushing for it in your schools. You
If you have the ability to talk to, you know, your school, if
you're on the PTA or whatever, like, is there an opportunity to
get public speaking for our kids, I want my, I want to train
professional and teach children how to do this, and it will help
them Inshallah, but these are things that we should also invite
in our house. So around the dinner table, right? Come up with good
discussion topics, why not? Instead of just sitting there and
having the TV on blaring in the background and watching horrible
news out of some, you know, whatever, CNN or Fox or whatever
people watch, or silent dinners, you know, oh, everybody's
scrolling on their phone. It's tragic. We don't invite
discussion, we can if you have a prepared list of topics, maybe,
you know, it could be like a, you know, a box that you everybody
just pulls from every night and see, okay, what's the debate
today? You know, and you'll, it's honestly, so exciting to see,
everybody take a different position. Because, you know,
that's what a debate is, Okay, what's your position, and even if
they don't believe it, they still have to defend it. And then watch
them, they have a lot of fun. You know, like, Should school uniforms
be implemented? That's a good one for kids. If you have, you know,
children, you'll see the like, arguments are really fun, because
they come up with some some great ideas, but it's just innocent
topics like that. So have that as a family offering.
Now the common parenting struggles, because we talked about
the dangers and the struggles, but we should know what they are for
each. Stage two, right. So in that early years, the pressures that a
lot of us feels to be the perfect parent. We're being judged very
heavily microscopically, by parents, grandparents in laws, as
with your first child, right? First, children are always like,
Oh, what are you doing? Don't do that. Don't do this. And you're
like, wait, I just need to figure my own rhythm, please. But because
we feel so much pressure,
what happens is, of course, it's mentally physically exhausting,
exhausting, but sometimes, we tend to lose our own identity, our own
voice. And so some people will just give into, okay, fine, I'll
do this way, I'll do that way. And you lose your own ability to
think. So that can definitely wear you down. And then if, if both
husband and wife are also not communicating right with each
other, and on the same page, then there's a fracture in their bond.
So it's now compounded. It's like, I'm exhausted from parenting, this
child, and I don't have a supportive parent or CO parent,
and it's just all starts to fall apart. So we have to know that and
prepare ourselves. How do we deal with that? Right? How, first of
all, nobody's perfect. Nobody. We've all messed up, we all make
mistakes. And that's fine. We're human beings. So get rid of this
notion that you have to be a model perfect parent always. And then
also deal with manager exhaustion. For the mothers, I will speak
because I know, for myself, and a lot of the women that I work with,
we part of this narrative of perfect parent is to be the
martyr. Right? Because we're holding ourselves to the standard
of our mothers and grandmothers, they had 10 children, they never
complained they had three hot meals, they did it all. They
didn't do anything wrong, they were perfect. So then we feel
because sometimes our own mothers may say that oh, really? You
didn't cook dinner today?
You're gonna go and have, you know, dinner outside. Wow, you
know, and they'll make those little comments and so then you
feel like you're the biggest loser mom, wife right in the world. No,
you're not, you're perfectly in the right to to say I don't wish
to cook today, I'm going to take a day off the you know, the oven
doesn't need to be on every day, all day. And so, just own your own
mind. And don't let people get in, right? Because they you'll never
satisfy anybody there always have something to nitpick about. So you
just have to stop trying to do it all give yourself space. And I'm
going to ask the the husbands who are watching also to recognize
that if you have a woman, I mean a wife, excuse me who's staying at
home and taking care of her children all day morning tonight,
the mental toll that that takes as much as we love our children. It's
it's a product of the modern world that's not very healthy. Because
in traditional societies are multiple hands, multiple adults
always around to kind of, you know, handoff like I need to go do
this. I need to go do that. When women cannot even use the restroom
for more than five minutes without a hand slipping under the door or
a door wide open.
It's it's a real clear sign of we've got some major imbalance to
correct. So I asked that the husbands please come in when you
come from work. And even if it's just 2030 minutes, offer a break.
Like I got this. You go do whatever you do want to go and
take a shower after five days. Please do.
You want to go like take a walk outside sometimes. That's all it
is. I just want to go out without a leg. You know someone pulling my
leg right or crying
hang their head off for why am I leaving? No emotional like
manipulation, please right before we get out the door or just want
to go take a drive or go to the garage, I don't know whatever you
want to do, but just offer your wife's please when you see her
frazzled, and she's just snipping a snippy and giving really short
answers, that means she's the pressure cooker is about to hit
that what peak boil where the whistle is coming on, right? We
know the whistle, like, like, the alarm is about to go off. So just
turn it off and say I got this and Inshallah, may Allah reward you
when you do that. When she comes back, she will be renewed, right?
I'm telling you, I would sometimes take 1015 minutes breaks and I'm
like, All right, I'm ready to get back into it. I feel like
completely rejuvenated just from a small break, because we ended up
missing our children, by the way, when we're taking a walk.
And, you know, whatever we're doing, we're thinking about them.
It's crazy. But so offer that. That's for the when they're young,
though, when they move into the Middle Ages, academic pressure
becomes the next set of pressures that we worry about, right? What
grades are they're getting? Are they in every program? Do they
know how to code? Someone told me recently that they they put their
two year old in a coding class? Well, he, okay. I mean, two years
old coding? I don't know, do they even know what the word coding is?
I don't know. Can they say the word coding but you know, what if
you're putting that kind of pressure on yourself, because
you're trying to compete with the Silicon Valley model of like, you
know, I don't know, perfect students, and I know that there is
a lot of worry about these things. But they'll be fine. You know, you
have to kind of pull back a little bit and say, the most important
thing I can do for my children is secure their identity, if they
have a strong identity, and then, you know, working obviously, to
develop their mind. But that's more important that their identity
is strong as Muslims, and then behavior concerns and social
aptitude. A lot of parents worry about their children's, you know
whether or not they're going to have strong social skills. So
those are the things that we have to
mitigate before we enter these phases. Because what happens
oftentimes is we go into crisis mode, because we didn't foresee
these things. And then we find ourselves dealing with them. And
now we're in a panic. This is my constant. I've had parents all the
time coming to me, in a panic state, what do I do if my child is
doing this? What do I do? My child is doing that or not doing this?
And so we have to prepare ourselves with the understanding
that they will have, you know, that they may have certain
challenges, and how can we deal with them. And that's what I was
saying earlier, having those mentors in place looking at, you
know, paying attention to their moods to just being really
attentive empathy, empathy is so critical to to being effective as
parents, we have to be paying attention always. And I'll it I'll
give you a quick example. Just that happened to me earlier today.
So I've been very busy and Ramadan, as we all have, and
hamdulillah not complaining. But it's been a constant juggling act.
And in that, yes, my children at times are like, Hello, do you see
me? And so my son today is 13. He wanted to as I was getting ready
to come here. He wanted to just have some time with mommy. But it
was very quick, because I was putting on my hijab, I was getting
ready. And I was kind of like moving fast. And he stood very
patiently, kind of behind me waiting for what he was waiting
for a hug. Right. And after a long time, I realized what he was
waiting for. And he's like, I just basically waiting for a hug, so
that I gave him a hug, but because I was panicking about being late,
it was one of those. Okay, thanks. Bye. And then he felt like I could
tell like, really, that's it. I waited all that time for you. And
now you're rushing out the door and I barely like it was a two
second hug. So I was I just was in mode of like, I gotta get out
because I'm going to be late. So I got into the car and I sat and
then I realized what I had done. I just crushed his his spirit, you
know, because he felt I could tell he was emotional. So then I we
have the home pod, you know, where you can do an intercom through the
phone. So I just I asked him, I said, Can you please come back out
to the car?
And so he came back to the car. And he came on the passenger side,
he opened the door. He's like, did you need the answer? No, no, come
on this side. And as he's walking around the car, I could see that
he he kind of knew what was about to happen. Like she did see me
after all, you know. And so I opened the door and I said come
here and then I hugged him and I said I'm really sorry, I'm gonna
give you I just made it up. I said I'm gonna give you some uma later.
He's like, what's it like? What's that Uma? And I said undivided
mommy attention. I said I will give you my later I promise you
and and he was just really happy I could tell but that was because
the empathy kicked in for me a little later than it should have
that I had hurt him. You know that he was waiting patiently. He just
wanted to hug and so hum de la these are the kinds of things that
we have to pay attention to when you see your child like walking
off kind of abruptly is closing the door in a bit of
With a bit of a tone, don't dismiss that as an attitude
problem, that is not an attitude problem that is a cry for help.
That is that I am feeling something and you're not, you're
not picking up on it, and I have no other recourse. So I'm just
gonna run. So if you can be perceptive and not personalize
everything, then what you do is you say, I need to go open that
door and investigate like what's going on. And it takes a lot of
self awareness to do that. It's not easy. We all fall short, may
Allah forgive us. But the more we do it, the more our bond with our
children will be will be stronger. So then the teen adolescent years,
you know, we have to remember they're departing from childhood.
They have that worry that natural angst of adolescents, we worry
about the attitude issues, detachment from family, their
friends and social circles. I've been mixing with good friends, bad
friends, obviously, that they're exploring the risky behaviors that
we're all definitely afraid of our kids knowing about the online
social media usage, rebellion, resistance to authority, Faith
struggles, these are the probably the biggest things that I get
asked about as a, you know, I mean, I'm sure all of our teachers
do from parents is how do I protect my child their Eman? What
if they what if they go astray, or they may be going astray? I don't
know what to do. And then their future success. So if we can see
the worries ahead of time, that's why it's kind of like pre empting,
right? I see these worries, I know that they're real because
everybody's experiencing this, what am I going to do to prevent
me from falling into this right, or our family from being affected
by these things? What measures can I take now, so if you have
younger, younger children pay attention, because this is likely
going to be a concern for you in a few years. And if you have older
children, it's never too late. We don't despair, right? Islam is not
a deed of despair, it's actually haram to despair, because you're
losing hope and Allah subhanaw taala when you despair, so what
you do is you raise your hands and ah, first and foremost, and you
ask also how to protect my child, if they are in X, Y, and Z, doing
XYZ, whatever it is that you're, you know, feeling, really worried
about, ask Allah Subhanallah to, to protect them and to guide them
out of out of that, and then
excuse me, then,
in addition to that, look, for those helpers, seek out help, we
have individuals but we also have organizations that work with you
if they can help you and really be persistent. If you keep knocking
on the door, someone's going to open. So inshallah Be persistent
look for those mentors, look for those helpers, and read, there are
a lot of people that have already worked all these things out and
they have really good guidance, someone I could think of off the
top of my head that I really advise you to know about is Dr.
Leonard Sachs. He's not Muslim, but mashallah his he's really
ahead of the conversation. And he has great content for parents of
boys and girls, on how to preempt a lot of these problems and crises
that youth are going through. So get his material, he has a lot of
free stuff online, too. But he's, he's phenomenal. So I would say
him right off the top of my head.
And then the greatest threats, right shaytaan knifes, Bad
Company, media, pop culture, internet, social media, these are
the things that we really have to worry be worried about, because
they are everywhere. And then solutions, we have to teach their
faith properly, how to protect themselves, model the behavior,
empower them with strong and effective tools in their toolkits,
like emotional intelligence, why which we'll get to in a moment,
and build their confidence and courage, trust, communicate
effectively identify their strengths, and weak weaknesses by
temperaments. All of that knowledge, those tools that you
build for your children early on are going to help them when things
fall apart to to repair and to build. And so that was the end of
session three, do you want to take I'm sorry, because I mentioned in
the beginning for those who joined us late, because this was a four
part series, but we only are doing these sessions for three weeks,
we're squeezing two of the parts together. So this is a bit of an
extended class. So I'm going to try to move as quickly as possible
because I know we we've gone on already for a while. But do you
want to pause for q&a? Or do you want to just zip through the rest
and then do one final q&a? I'll leave it up to the audience here.
Yes.
That's okay.
Thank you
I'm so on hamdullah. So I have three kids and during the range,
like all three of these ranges, so 1012 and 14, Mashallah. And I
think like, during the pandemic, I really had trouble with their
whole like growing up phase, like that detachment phase and not
taking it personally, that was really hard for me, and I'm still
trying to adjust with that. But anyway, I mean, do you have any
books that you recommend for, you know, dealing with this and kind
of understanding how
increments and also that books that give solutions like how to
address these things. Right. Right, Marshall? No, very good
question. Just like little kid, I think a lot of parents and COVID
had very similar experience, because the pressure of just being
away from their peer group caused a lot of kids to shut down
emotionally. And that was immediately experienced by the
parents and their family, right. So it's a very common experience
that a lot of people had, as far as books. One book that I do, I
can remember right now is the temperament that God gave you.
It's,
gosh, I can't remember the author's but it's a husband and
wife. They wrote that book. And so that's a good book, just to get
started on knowing about temperament theory, as far as you
know, how to,
to, you know, kind of deal with these with these situations. I
can't think of anything off the top of my head in terms of
resources. But I think having, there's a, I got a book for my
boys, it was like a mommy and son journal that had prompts and
questions, it's already done for you. And it was a nice way we
started it, we still have a long ways to go. But we're, sometimes
it's hard to verbalize what you're feeling. But writing actually does
become cathartic for even kids if they learn to channel those
emotions. And so an exercise like that, where it's like, hey,
because it's like a handoff, you write your portion, and then you
give it to them. And then they answer the questions in the
prompts. So it's not coming from you, it's kind of like you have a
third person there, you know, talking to both of you in a weird
way. But I think that's things like that are helpful when you
want to reach your children who seem to be standoffish because
verbal communication is not easy for everyone. And that's why we
will go back to temperament you'll realize the last two
temperaments are the phlegmatic, and the melancholic, they tend to
be less, you know, verbal, and so they feel but they don't really
verbalize their emotions as much. So if you have children with those
temperaments, and you're more gregarious, and like, I just
really I want to talk it all out, you may feel like you're failing
to reach them, but it's not that it's that their temperament is
different than yours, you like immediate on the spot, verbal
communication for them, that might be a little too threatening,
because they don't have the words. It's not that they don't feel
things, they just don't have the word. So I opt for written
communication, when you have that type of dynamic, because it allows
them to at their own pace, in their own time, if they want to do
it later in their bedroom without eyes watching them to like, and
then you know, sometimes with siblings around to it's like weird
to like talk because you're like, Are they listening? So I mean,
just to, like, with my boys, I'm very clear about privacy and
respect of boundaries. So when any of them, either of them want to
talk to me privately, and the other one comes into the space, I
will say to them, or my other son will say to them, we're speaking
privately, can you please leave? And the hum did Allah there's no
issue because they both are respectful of that boundary. So
they just leave and then they know to never ask questions, like,
Would you guys talk about or all the blame and do worse, which is
to be suspicious and try to stand by the door and listen, they don't
do that, because they know it's a sacred trust that mom has with her
child and just like, I'm gonna offer it to you at another time.
You want that to be respected, right, so you need to reciprocate.
So we can, you know, show our children that that respective, if
you tell me something, it's trust, you know, I'm a safe space for
you. And I'm not gonna go share it with even your, you know, I mean,
unless it's really serious, but I'm not gonna share it with even
Baba or mommy, if it's something you're trying entrusting me with.
Right? So creating that kind of safe, safe space, I think is a
good invitation for them to open up. But also try that the
journaling between mommy and thank you. You're welcome. Does that go
ahead? Thank you for staying.
So should we go forward? I feel like zipping through the rest and
then I can open it up and breathe a little bit. Is that okay? Yeah.
Okay, so let's get to the rest of Charlotte. Thank you for the money
does that go up? And if you have to leave, I totally understand
that. It's a long session. So Session Four, the theme is active
parenting. So the first one was intentional parenting. The second
was prophetic parenting. The third session, which we just covered was
balanced parenting. And now the final session is active parenting,
right? And I closed on this one because this is the takeaway, we
need to leave the sessions with something of action, right? So
active parents are those who know that they cannot give up. Right?
No matter how hard it gets. They have to persevere for the sake of
Allah Subhan Allah because it's not about being perfect. It's
about trusting him. So as much as you feel exhausted and tired and
oh my god, I can't do this anymore. I had someone just
yesterday
I mentioned this they're just they're so overwhelmed. They just
want to quit throw in the towel. We can't. Right? So we look at
here are some models from the Quran because this whole you know
session or this whole series was on Quranic parenting. So I want to
bring it back full circle go back to the book of Allah supplied
data, where we learn directly from our prophets, who are our
examples, the story of Prophet nowadays that I'm teaches as what
about the importance of submission to God's will, although Prophet do
did everything possible to guide his family, things didn't go as
planned. And he had to face the reality that his wife and one of
his sons was were disbelievers, and he had to accept that and move
on. And so sometimes, you may find May God never test us with that.
But if you find that your child has reached a point where you
can't do anything further, remember the story of Prophet
Nuala is that I'm continuing to make dua and do what you can but
also submit to the will of Allah and realize you cannot control
everything. But the best thing that you can do is make the offer
your child and keep the door open.
The next I'm sorry, the, the font is so small on these, I apologize.
But this is also another important model that we can look at, which
is the story of Prophet Ibrahim alayhi salam, right, because his
story teaches us the importance of making sacrifices for the sake of
Allah subhanaw taala. And that when we do it will always pay off
just as it did for him with a beautiful renewed relationship
between him and his son, right? When he was told to sacrifice his
son, I mean, physically, literally sacrifice his son. And he was
willing to do it because he had that strong yuping And Allah
subhana wa Tada. Then Allah showed him, right, the the reward of that
type of submission. And so some sacrifices you may have to do for
the sake of Allah for your children's well being or, you
know, for that bond, but there's immense reward in that and so we
can learn again about the importance of sacrificing for the
sake of Allah. And then the story of Prophet Jaco. But I said I'm,
again another incredible model from from the Quran, he taught us
about dealing with larger family dynamics, right, keeping trusts
helping to bring balance in difficult situations. And he
showed us immense patience because he was so patient, right?
Stubborn, Jamil, we get from, from the story of Yaqoob, Elisa Lam, to
have beautiful patients in the face of tribulation. So if you're
tested, may God not test this with our children, whatever that is, to
show beautiful patients, it is Mother's immense reward and to be
able to manage your emotions, right? Despite all of the, you
know, just treachery and dysfunction around you, is a skill
that we can all learn. But by way of example of Prophet Jacoba,
Islam, we can learn that.
And then the story of ser the Ohana, we have to remember, she
was married to a tyrant, right, but she put her trust in Allah
subhanaw taala, and then raised one of her children to become a
prophet of God. So if your marriage isn't ideal, and I say
this, because I know there are a lot of broken marriages that are
still staying together for the sake of the children. But if
you're in a relationship where you're miserable, I mean, aside
from abuse, right, that's an exception, we should never endure
that type of abuse. But if you feel like you're having a
difficult marriage, first of all, seek help try to, to seek the
help, you need to come out of that. But sometimes our partners
don't want to, you know, work on themselves. And so you have to
kind of make that decision to stay with someone who might not be the
best practicing Muslim, who might not always be on the same page as
you, right? And if that's your circumstance, and you want to
borrow some strength from us, yeah, because having a difficult
partner, having a partner who's not spiritually on the same page,
is very different than having a diabolical tyrant as a husband.
But she did that, right. She was She managed to work around his
massive ego, and yet raise a son who is not hers, but who became
one of the prophets of God. Why, because of her faith, it was no
other reason but her faith in Allah, so channel that strength,
right, and that so that she's a wonderful example. And then, of
course, the story of Madame Alayhis Salam, or the Lohana
because she was completely inexperienced, thrown into
parenting, right, without any experience whatsoever, any
preparation whatsoever, huge shock to her, and then she had to endure
scandal, right, and all of the things that she went through, but
despite all of that, the inexperience and all the pushback
from everyone else, she also managed to raise a prophet of God,
how faith faith is what helps us succeed, it's not going to be
anything else. Nobody else can come to our rescue.
Your help except for God. So if you maintain your faith and your
connection to him, whatever the circumstance you are in, you will
succeed. Because you are, he is with you. And he's always with
you.
Now, I mentioned emotional intelligence earlier. And this is
a framework I talked about a lot, you might have heard me speak
about this many times. So I don't want to belabor it. But I do think
for those of you who've never heard it before, it is an
important framework that can really help us to understand
prophetic wisdom, right? And so what is AI, it is the ability to
identify and manage your emotions, as well as the emotions of others.
And this is important, because emotions actually precede our
thoughts, right? This is why we're, when we're in highly
emotional situations, it can impair our brain function, right?
We don't always think with a rational mind, and we sometimes
can,
you know, we can cause things to become worse, right? Because our,
our cognitive abilities and decision making powers are
compromised. So emotional intelligence was coined back in
the 90s, by John Mayer and Peter Salovey. They introduced it, and
they wrote about it, and it kind of changed the understanding of
how we define intelligence. But then Daniel Goleman, came along
later, and he developed it into a book that became instantly famous
millions of copies sold. And it changed the entire conversation on
how we define intelligence, because prior to that, it was IQ.
It was always measuring people's spatial abstract ability, you
know, mathematical skills, whatever, those types of things.
And then we'd give them a number. And it's like, oh, you're smart.
But they were like, no, actually, intelligence isn't that left brain
function alone, there's a whole other aspect of intelligence that
we have to know about. So it was a revolutionary paradigm shattering
idea when it first was, you know, when it was first exposed, and you
know, and I thought it was interesting, too, that he wrote
another article based on these findings called What makes a
leader. So he's showing us not only that, this is in there in the
in 99, in the 1990s, this was paradigm shattering and
revolutionary, but also identifying that effective leaders
have emotional intelligence, right. So when I started to
explore II, I was like, they're totally talking about the prophesy
set of every thing they're describing is in him embodied in
him. So for them, it was revolutionary, right, but not for
us. And so that's why I started to teach about it. But these are the
three skills of emotional intelligence that we will look to
get, which are awareness, regulation, and management. And
the acronym for this is an arm. So think about strength, like it's a
skill that you develop, and you strengthen, just like you would
like your muscle, so to be aware of your emotions, to regulate
them, and then to manage the emotions of other people. And so
these are the qualities that when you're studying, emotional
intelligence, you study or you this is the order you become self
aware. So you the temperaments that we talked about, what is your
temperament? What are, what another factor of your personality
that people don't look at is birth order. birth order absolutely
impacts our temperaments and our personalities, because we are
ushered into roles by way of the birth right, like if you're a
firstborn, anybody here firstborn, the oldest in your siblings. So
you typically are parent defied early, you have a lot of
responsibilities, right? Because you're the model, oldest one for
everybody else to follow. So you end up being hyper wired to, to
just be dutiful and responsible. But that can also take a toll
right? On you. Because it's, as you see, your siblings get away
with everything. There's a lot of resentment, right? Like Wait a
second, I didn't have that luxury when I was their age, right. So
this affects your affects your relationship with your parents,
your siblings, everything. And then also in partner selection,
because we tend to mirror you know, partners that kind of mirror
us. So you may also find another kind of type A intense personality
in your in your spouse, but middle children are known to be any
middle children were completely forgotten. Like, does anyone see
me at all right? Um, and so what happens our struggle, because
we're, and I'm not technically the middle, but I felt like I was the
middle. But anyway, middle children are their last and they
tend to be people pleasers. So we end up actually, because we're so
eager for validation. Nobody cares about anything we do or say,
because the oldest ones gets first dibs. And the babies whine and get
their way. So then nobody cares what we want for dinner. Nobody
cares. It's already decided it's pizza or whatever, right? So the
middle child gets lost, but then in their relationships, they start
to seek that out and other people. So they'll they'll become people
pleasers, and we have to really know that about our children. So
if you see your child always eagerly trying to do everything,
always giving up things for other people, even in their friends
group. Take them you know, show them I mean, have some
conversations with them, that if they keep doing that they will be
taken advantage of because people can be pretty ruthless, but that's
just one
Other small addition to the self awareness puzzle, right? There's
so much more to that love languages, you should know your
love language, to receive love through gifts through quality time
through acts of service through physical touch, through words of
affirmation, what is the way that you receive and give love, teach
that to your family, this is how we become self aware. And these
are the nuanced things about each of us separately, but
specifically, to become self aware is to know your Arpita to know who
Allah is to know who your Creator is to know what your purpose is.
That is all of us need to know those things, right? So self
awareness is just so much there. But that's the that's the starting
point. And then you move on to self regulation, how can I control
myself? How can I not be explosive and impatient and angry, and given
to my desires constantly and indulge every whim and desire,
that's where it has good enough comes from right purification of
the soul, purification of the heart, the tongue. So if self
regulation kind of makes you, you know, practice willpower, which is
what we're doing right now, we're all fasting. And this is why Allah
has infinite wisdom, imposed the month on us and made it, you know,
one of the pillars, and to teach us that we can do this. And we
should do this because we become much better people, when we
suppress those appetites, and we have control over those emotions,
right? We just become nicer we become over time anyway. And after
you get over the initial shock of it all, you just become a more
subdued person, and then your soul can emerge and you start to see
the priorities in life. So that's what happens when you self
regulate. And then motivation, empathy, and social skills, all of
them build upon each other. So you start with self awareness, then
you go into self regulation, then you become a naturally motivated
people. Because you have a project yourself, you're working on
yourself, you have an assignment, which is I need to constantly be
better and better. And who are you comparing yourself to the prophesy
set. And so as you're motivated, then you move outward, you're now
looking at other people, which is where the empathy kicks in, right?
Like I need to be more considerate of other people, right? I need to
let a lie you know, I had to combat that you have bully him, if
you build enough, see, you have not reached the perfection of
faith until you love for your brother or sister what you love
for yourself, right? So empathy is really coming into terms with
that, and, and becoming more aware of other people's feelings and
emotions. And then social skills is navigating different groups of
people. So you can, for example, our children should be able to
talk with adults, you know, if you have a child who freezes with
adults, we need to have some conversation, get him around some
adults that they don't feel terrified around and have those
adults be engaging with them talk. And if you have, that's where
those healthy mentors early on can really help because a good mentor
for your children is someone who talks to your children, like how
are you talking to me, give them attention, that's a good friend.
Because if you have friends, we're just bypass your children and just
see you they're a good friend to you. But they shouldn't ignore
your children because your children are a part of you as
well. Right? So they should honor your children to male lawmakers do
that. But we should know how to navigate those relationships with
non Muslims, how to be respectful boundaries, teach ourselves first
of all these skills, but then our children. So all of these are
important. And then
FYI, because I mentioned earlier that, you know, this concept of
emotional intelligence was revolutionary in the 1990s. This
is a Hadith of the prophesy centum Rasul aptly by the mighty Billahi
at the word to do it, and as
he is putting them two together 1400 plus years ago, that
reasoning, intelligence, after the basis of it after the faith in
God, right, if you're you've, you've demonstrated that you're an
intelligent person, if you believe in God, after that, it's Can you
manage human emotions and relationships, right? Loving
kindness towards people. So he's putting them two together, that it
is actually a higher form of intelligence. And that's why he is
the most emotionally intelligent human being ever. Because, you
know, he's perfected all of these virtues. And then we also know
manana phonesoap afara Bihu, which means that the one who knows him
or herself knows their Lord. So self awareness is absolutely
integral to our path. And we have to teach this to our children. And
then you know, the prophets I sent him. These are just examples for
us all to think about when we examine our own emotional
intelligence and also teach our children that he was always a
cheery disposition, easygoing and compassionate. What does that
teach you? Here? Let me tell you, it tells you right away that he
had control of himself, he could control his emotions don't think
that the process wasn't didn't suffer. He had an entire year of
suffering. He had more loss than we can even fathom. But when he
would meet people
smile.
That's a person in control of himself because I don't need to
burden everybody with my problems. These are my problems, my test
between me and Allah, and I'm going to meet people with beauty
with welcome you know, like warmth, right?
So smiling is a sunnah and he missed out and then he was not
Moorish, or course or ruckus or vulgar or critical Subhanallah, he
had empathy. He didn't, you know, disparage people. He didn't, he
wasn't mean to people, he wasn't rude to people. He didn't
overpraise or just he had balance. He wasn't going in one extreme or
the other. And he ignored that which he disliked. He was he could
control himself, he didn't have to point it out and criticize things.
He just didn't say anything at all. And he would not dash the
hopes of anyone who hoped for something from him. So Lola hottie
was set up constant empathy, constant caring of the hearts and
souls of other people. And they would not be disappointed, he
withheld from himself three things. This is exactly what self
regulation is. He didn't debate he didn't waste his time on that. He
didn't, it was never excessive. And he also left alone that was
didn't concern him, he, he minded his own business. And this is
something we these are the of of our deen, like, we need to go back
to this. You know, one of the reminders that that I recently
also received, but it's important to mention is now you know, we're
in Ramadan, some of us may be going to other people's homes, for
Iftar. Right? When you're in other people's homes, it's really
important that you respectfully move about the house, you know, if
you're just walking in any room that you want, even if it's your
family or siblings, there is, you know, a lack of consideration
because the home is a private space, right? So one of the
addendums is that you do not
basically, you know, go into other people's private spaces, or even
look and try to sometimes people are nosy, and they can't help
themselves. They're looking for things or making assumptions based
on things, you know, don't do that. Because that's not minding
your own business. So minding your own business, a very important
principle in Islam, right, that we, we just basically leave things
that are none of our concern alone. So don't inquire Don't be
intrusive. Don't pry, don't ask excessive questions about things
or people. Just if someone wants to give you information, fine, but
you don't need to further explore things just out of curiosity,
right. And he withheld from the people three things he would never
criticize or disparage anyone who wouldn't seek to shame anyone. And
he would not speak about anything unless he hoped to be rewarded by
Allah for it. So his motivation was clear, he was always motivated
by the pleasure of Allah subhanaw taala. And that's how he was
always this is by said, 90, I mean, always have cheery
disposition, you gotta think like Subhanallah, that takes immense
control. But he's our example. So I'm going to now just kind of zip
through this because I talked about these a lot. And I don't
want to keep repeating more, but you know, the self regulation,
motivation, empathy, and social skills. So those are and you can
learn more, I've given a lot of talks on on that available online,
if you want to learn more about emotional intelligence, but the
gist of it is basically the prophetic example. If you follow
Him, if you look at his teachings, his sunnah and Sierra, for
yourself, first and foremost, and then apply that to your children
and teach your children as well, you will find that inshallah they
will naturally inculcate these virtues of balance that we want
them to have. And you know, all the beautiful bridges, control,
courage, wisdom, justice, right, all of these things that we want
them to have. And so the final message, yeah, I know, she's done,
I've done, we're all done, we're gonna end soon. The final message
that we wanted to leave is to not never forget that we do not
control outcomes. Everything is decreed by Allah subhana wa Tada.
And he tells us that we will be tested in our relationships with
our children, our spouses, our lives, our wealth. So we have to
just let go of control. And this will help us a lot when we just
kind of foresee that part of being in the dunya is that we're going
to be tested. And as long as we are aware of that, then we keep
asking for protection from those tests, but when they come, we
recognize that they are from him. And that we have to bear the take
the test with patience, and that's where good company good teachers,
beautiful communities, like MCC and other places that where you
can come and you find community here that can help you and support
you. is so important. So attach yourself to the house of Allah
make good friends, because you know, it's inevitable that we're
going to be tested. But we can also come out of those tests as
many people have before succeeding if we have these things in place.
So just do your best try your hardest and make a lot of dots
make dua from the since the depths of your soul get up. And, you
know, cry to Allah subhanaw taala show him that you're in need of
Him. Wake up for tahajjud give up your sleep, you know you can
always nap in the day or
or find a way to nap in the car if you have to. But don't don't
squander the blessed times to connect with almost brothers with
the hedges and early in Fajr recite Quran the Quran that's
recited at Fudger as witnessed, there's a lot of practices that we
need to be doing to connect our hearts with Allah subhanaw taala
but if you really really want anything from him, then mean it
and then follow it with action. It can't just be a desire in your
heart, but then there's no action and give you know, for the sake of
Allah subhanaw taala This is a time of immense opportunity for us
to reap the benefits the Proverbs was one was the most generous
during the time of Ramadan. So if you really inshallah want good for
your family, then be willing to give up your comforts for the sake
of other people's comforts and inshallah Allah as his promises
through the Chicago president, if you're grateful, I will increase
your blessings. And the way we show our gratitude is by paying it
forward, right? We are very, very blessed, we have a lot of wealth,
we're living abundant, luxurious lives, there are a lot of people
who are suffering, who do not have what we have. But if we think of
others, right, then Allah subhanaw That will reward us and He will
manage our worries and our concerns and rid us of the burdens
that consume us. Because we are doing exactly as he tells us to
do, which is to think outside of ourselves and to put our trust in
Him. So I'll have to do that. And remember, finally, that your
children are the property of Allah subhanaw best to do everything to
return them to him with a clear conscience. We want our children
to go back to Allah, precious, pure, sound, strong, fortified
believers. And it's our job to do that. And we we need all those
help. We can't do it without without him. But if that's your
intention with your children, may Allah give you to feel, inshallah
and protect you and your families. I think all of you for tuning in.
Those of you are watching live stream and those of you who came
out for the past few weeks and medical if you come for your
support, and thank you to brother veneer and the entire MCC awesome
team for coordinating and helping us to put these programs together
in sha Allah. We're going to be entering the last 10 nights of
Ramadan so this will be the final session but please don't forget us
in your da and remember that these are the days of McAfee era so ask
Allah to forgive us any mistakes I've made are my own and mela spa
that again reward all of you just like a little Faden will inshallah
end on and on and then we can open it up for any questions if there
are any. So Bismillah R federal him when I asked her in the in
Santa Fe hosted il Alladhina amanu ominous Holly Haiti with the
vessel will help you with the vessel the southern Subhanak Aloha
Morbihan decrescendo Allah ilaha illa tena suffruticosa to eat a
cake Allahumma said it was no more bad and honestly, then I want to
know why have you been Mohamed Salah long while he was in Amman,
it was sort of the Steven cathedra. And I have the largest
second one. Okay, and and again, everyone have dinner. So now we
can pause for Q and A if there are any last questions, Inshallah, or
comments or anything.
Thank you. Yes.
Salam Alaikum.
I was I'm kind of like, as you see my level two girls, I'm trying to
make them be friend and good to each other. But sometime, you
know, it doesn't work. And then, you know, they try to fight each
other. So, if you can do an answer for that, it's a very good
question. I think when you see the emotions between your, the your
children who are close in age kind of boiling up, it's likely that
one of them, you know, may feel territorial, right? Because it's
usually has to do with toys, food, right? They're feeling not safe,
that their sibling is going to take something from them, right.
And it's hard to always manage and look, watch them at all times. I
remember with my kids as well. But I think if we have some boundaries
in place, for example, like, maybe what you can do is have like, give
your your oldest one especially because she's the one who's going
to have to learn to model the correct behavior for the younger
one, right and the younger one will follow along. But if your
older one feels that you are respected, that you are aware of
what her concerns are, like maybe she has certain toys that she
doesn't want to share. And that's okay. Okay, let her have like some
toys that are just hers. Right? And you can say okay, you and I
will play with these when the little ones not here, but for toys
that she's willing to share. Right? You let her be in control
of that. So tell her which of these toys for example. Are you
okay with sharing with your sister? And let her tell you
right, that I like this one she can share. I don't care about that
one. But this one's my special toy. And if she feels like she
really does not like it, honor that right because sometimes we
think no, no, no. You have to share everything I've shared.
Everything in certain cases, but she has to also learn that her
boundaries are being respected. Right? So it's a boundary issue
for her at this point. And she's also young. So it's hard to
rationalize when they're so young like, okay, it's not a big deal to
Toy it, I can't do that. So you kind of want to work with the
boundary of saying, Okay, I respect your boundary, I get it
that that's a very special adult to you. And you think that your
younger sister is going to maybe bite it off or something, right?
So if you empower her with the choice to make the decision of
what she's willing to share what she isn't, Inshallah, she won't
feel as threatened when her sister comes into her play, right? Or
same with food. Like in with young children, I've always found that
letting them make the decisions is much better than telling them what
to do. So instead of saying, No, don't do that, or just say, which
of this can you share? Because now they're confronted with a choice
that they have to make as opposed to the binary yes and no, right?
Don't do that. Do this, right. That's very hard for a child
because it doesn't it feel they feel lost, like you're not giving
them what they want. But if you empower them and say, Okay, you
have, you know, three cookies, or whatever it is that you've given
them, Which of these foods, can your sister share, now that she's
going to think about it, and it's going to be like, Oh, well, I have
the control. So I get to tell her what to do, right. And it changes
her entire perspective. And hopefully, she'll be more willing
to see herself as an older like, you know, guide for her younger
sister, as opposed to this other person who just came out of
nowhere and disrupted my peace. And my Saturday, you know, I was
doing fine before this one came, right. But give her that sense of
autonomy and control and leadership, by giving her choice,
and inshallah she'll start to model the right behavior. But
that's just my tip, but any other parents feel free to jump in. If
you have tried and tested advice.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry, just briefly, because I just remembered on the topic of
sharing, one of the things I also did with my kids and hamdullah, we
still do it. Now. There are certain things that I always did
share with have my kids share, because it was so nice. So for
example, you know, we know that it's so good to eat from one
plates, right? It's so hard to even drink from one cup. So those
are things that I did start off early with my kids. And even now
we'll have one drink that we're all sharing. And I just yesterday,
I said you guys remember why we we did this. It's not though I can't
go get more cups for everybody. But there's Bucha when you're
sharing from one vessel, and you know, and the plates, I told them
even last night, so we need to do the plates too. But the plates was
just because we're the table is kind of far spread out. So I said
maybe if we sit on the ground, we can do the plates, but it's good
to get your children in the habit of eating from one plate. So then
they won't get so territorial. I think it's part of the territorial
behavior comes from because we're separating everything right? You
have your cup your juice box mine, and then it's like my mind. But if
you're saying no, we all share, which is the swindle model, then
nobody feels threatened, because everybody's hand is in the seat. I
mean, so try that with young children to inshallah. Yeah, like
I always split everything, their juice box, they would both share.
And then I would say if you finish the juice back, we can get another
one. So you don't need to have to separate get it. It's like a
psychological trick. It's like just drink from the same one. When
it runs out. I'll open up another one. So you're still getting two
juice boxes, but I'm not mentally separating them so that you have
yours and he has his and and then they would always be respectful.
And now even to this day, if there's anything left over 100
lads from Allah, they'll split it naturally, and give it to each
other. They don't look at it like oh, it's one last for me. They
look at it like oh, it's one last I have to split it. So it's just
something that works if you do it that way.
Zach Walker Thank you, everyone.