Hosai Mojaddidi – Qur’anic Parenting Lessons & Stories in the Quran (Part 1)
AI: Summary ©
The speakers emphasize the importance of parenting and respect for children, as well as high intentions for creating successful experiences. They recommend resources for parents and children to memorize certain words and phrases, as well as a La Ilaha Elantra software meeting with the MCC for community outreach. The speakers emphasize the need for intentional parenting and a strategy for dealing with children, as well as holding oneself to account for one's success and respecting children.
AI: Summary ©
Salam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah home, but I can't do Thank you, dear
sisters and brothers for being here. And as well as those who are
on the live stream watching. Today's the first day of a three
week or three part series called Puranic parenting that I'll be
presenting in sha Allah, I'm really excited to do this.
Finally, with the MCC community, it's actually something that I did
a couple of years back for another group, the get Quranic app, and
hamdulillah was a really, I found it a very beneficial class, just
to have the discussions with the parents, a lot of great q&a, a lot
of great conversation. So I'm always welcome and open to that,
for those of you are on the live stream, obviously, it's going to
be a bit of a challenge, but those who are in person and we do have
these, we will have these in person every week, you're more
than welcome to come and inshallah we can hopefully have a really
great discussion here. So I do have slides and a presentation,
that's so you can see the
slides behind me. So I'll go ahead and jump into it. Bismillah.
So,
here's a bit about me, for those who don't know, me, I, you know,
I'm a mother, I have two sons, aged 13 and 10. Now, I've been
teaching for a long time, I also offer classes, workshops, have
done on a variety of different topics, I do spiritual counseling,
on a per need basis, I have a book Alhamdulillah I also create
content. But one of my favorite things to do is actually teach
adults and children. So that's why this topic is something that I
really enjoy anything that has to do with parenting or involves the
family. And I'm bringing these concepts of like emotional
intelligence and other things that I will try to infuse into my
presentation. So with that said, the first theme for this, I'm
sorry, the first session, the theme, is intentional parenting.
And so I wanted to begin with this because of course, as Muslims, we
always begin everything with the Bismillah. And we're taught that
anything that does not have the name of Allah subhanaw. Taala is
fruitless, right? There's no Baraka in it. So we should always
begin everything with the proper intention. And it's interesting
that that is something that we are taught because think of why
wouldn't you start something with muskmelon the only scenario that
you wouldn't is likely something you shouldn't be doing in the
first place. Right? So it makes a lot of sense that we should always
ask Allah subhanaw taala for blessing and guidance when we do
anything. And unfortunately, in some of, you know, the different
things that we do in life, we we forget this point, and then we
wonder why things don't go well, why things don't go right, because
we don't ask Allah subhanaw taala for his blessing, and it's so
essential to do that. So intentional parenting, you know,
let's look first at parenting today, because it is not quite
what, you know, it was intended to be right in terms of just what
we're seeing, you know, the some of the numbers are startling in
this data, it's, there's probably even more updated, you know, data
that we can pull from, but this is still something that we should
know, just the fact that a lot of women are coming to parenthood
late later in their life. You know, the trends that we see in
our society, and in some of our cultures, even to delay, you know,
marriage, as well as parenting until much later in life. There's,
of course, some in some cases, that's necessity, some people have
no choice. In other cases, it is a choice, it is making the decision
to, to either not, you know, marry for whatever reason, or have
children for whatever reason, or to push it until much later in
life. So it's just important to know what the trends are today.
And here in terms of also data with how parenting is experienced
once people do have children, so that's delaying parenthood. But
now once they have children, you see that, you know, there's a lot
of struggles that people are feeling. So women, for example,
all right, Hamdulillah. So, the point being here that a lot of the
attitudes around parenthood, that we're seeing reflected in the
larger society may have begun to influence us, even if it's
subconsciously. So we need to be aware of what's happening, right.
And this is why, you know, again, looking at how parenting has
changed. We're now in a time where gender roles are completely being
redefined. As we know these conversations are happening all
around us, right? Of course, there's economics and the family
goals are objective.
have also changed from how they were in the past, before people
used to marry to preserve, you know, lineage to, there were other
economic considerations that in the modern world are not as much
of a concern, it's a very subjective, personal, you know,
relationship between the to individual individuals, as opposed
to entire families or villages or tribes, that you see in other, you
know, traditions or other cultures. And, of course, we
talked about the cultural shifts and attitudes towards certain
things that,
that we will will not open the mansion here, but you can read
this slide, and also about monogamous relationships, you
know, the fact that we have a lot of promiscuity in the society
around us, all of this is, you know, definitely influencing,
unfortunately, some of, you know, the way that people see marriage
today. And then, you know, religious affiliation and
commitment to values, conservative values was also a very important
part of why people got married, they wanted to have life partners,
that they could, you know, mold and have a beautiful, you know,
relationship with and grow their family, to have continuity of
their religion and their practice. So all of these things were more
common in the past, as opposed to now where people will even marry
outside of their faith, right? So they're open to those types of
things, as long as they connect well, with the person they're not
really looking at, how does that play out? Once you have children,
you know, and grandchildren? You know, what are the what is the
family going to look like? Or what are what is the faith going to
look like? They're not looking at those things. So the mindsets that
we have, as you know, parents is really important, we have to make
a decision. And this is what intentional parenting is, is do I
want to have a worldly parenting mindset where all I think about is
money. And following what we call the American dream, for those of
us here in the US, you know, this idea that I want the house, I want
the car, I want the to be the soccer mom, or I want to have, you
know, these certain groups that I belong to, and my children are in
certain schools, and everything is kind of scripted, from a worldly
perspective, right? Do I want that? Or do I want other worldly
parenting philosophy? Or is that my mindset where I'm really
thinking about parenting as a means for my other for the other
world, right? That this is part of the journey of this life, as we
know, we're travelers in this life, right. And part of the
journey is that I will have my own family, I'll have a partner that
will help me to navigate this complicated world, because the
final destination is the Africa, right? So the mindsets are totally
different. The first is thinking entirely about how to benefit from
this dunya how to maximize the profitability or the, you know,
whatever, you know, if it's if it's wealth that they're looking
at, or lineage or whatever, but it's very centered around the
world. Whereas the other mindset is actually looking at the next
life. And they're, all of their decisions, thus, are informed by
that goal, right? I'm looking at my Ashra. Therefore, even in my
partner selection, in everything that I do from that point forward,
I am considering always, is it going to benefit me in the Ashra?
Or is it going to harm me? Very different mindsets, right? And so,
again, just to you know, anybody want to take a guess? What do you
think the cost is to parent one child today? Anybody?
From like infancy to adulthood, and the numbers?
Right, if Well, we're in the we're in the bay in the San Francisco
Bay area. So that actually could be very accurate. With gas prices
going up and home mortgages, sister said a million.
But the average cost is actually 233,000 to raise a child from
birth to adulthood. And now you're looking at, that's one child. So
imagine multi sibling or multi children households, how much the
cost adds up. And of course, this is spread over time. It's not one
lump sum. But imagine the stress that that can induce on a family,
right? And this is why we know when you look at divorce, a lot of
the reasons for divorce actually does come down to finances, right
that this financial stress of maintaining a home wears down the
couple and a lot of times it does have to do with this you know all
of the different if you come from very different philosophies or or
just attitudes about wealth and money, then it's going to even
cause more tension right so
just really important to know that, and then, you know, we
shouldn't be surprised, because look how we start parenting, this
is what every young bride, when she's thinking of becoming a
mother, or even before being a wife, this is what she's looking
at, right, which is the excitement around the baby. So we get very
swept away with all of the, you know, the, the, just the
celebration of it, which is, of course, it's a beautiful thing,
it's, it's to celebrate. But if you forget that you have to now
raise a human being, right? It's not just birthday, baby showers
and birthday parties and onesies and cute photos for your
pregnancy. And it's not just that you have to actually raise a human
being and protect them from all of the craziness of this dunya. Are
you up for the task? And what preparation Have you made for
that, right? Because it requires preparation. And some of us are
learning on the job, how to be a parent. And this is, you know, I
always say,
because I've done a lot of parenting classes. And I've found
sometimes mashallah in attendance singles who are not married yet.
And they're here and I'm like that you're so impressive to me that
you are single, you're not married, but you're doing your
homework you're studying for the big exam, or the test right way
ahead of time, as opposed to those of us who cry, you know, are in
crunch time all the time. So we should be as Muslims, preparing
our youth for these types of very real experiences marriage first,
obviously, parenting, we should be having these conversations much
earlier. But a lot of times, because we're thrown into these
situations sometimes, or we get swept away, we don't have the
conversations that we need to be having. And then the stress of it
all, just you know, takes over. So
here, this is another very important reminder of the
intentionality that we have to have around parenting. Parenting
is again, about what it is about tarbiyah it is about raising your
child to know who Allah subhanaw taala is, that is the most
important objective of parenting. And that's why we are tasked right
all of us, we have the responsibility of, of teaching our
children and preserving their fitrah of making sure that they
stay in that pure state for as long as possible. That is the task
of every parent. Right? So this requires to, you know, everybody
has to be on the same page. If, if, if a family is I mean, a
couple comes together and Allah wills that they have children. And
they're not even having this conversation about how are we
going to teach them their deen and their values of their Deen. But
we're more worried about you know what school to put them in what
preschool because we want them to learn their ABCs I had someone
recently and I honestly will lie. I don't know if she was joking. It
was kind of shocking. But she said that she had put her child in STEM
robotics. And I think they were two or three years old. Okay. And,
you know, and I didn't I don't know, I don't want to presume and
I don't want to make judgments. But I think we have to kind of
think about what is the urgency of a child that young learning
robotics or learning stem or learning anything of the physical
world, right? They'll learn naturally, children are natural
learners, and they're going to learn by play mostly, that's the
number you know, young children, that's how they learn. But the
fact that the parents are thinking of putting their kids in these
types of programs ahead of time, and maybe not giving as much
consideration to, you know, do they have? Do they know there are
paida? Do they know who Allah subhanaw taala? is, do they know
about? You know, the angels and the, into the prophesies of all of
the six articles of faith? The five pillars? Have we given them
any of these lessons yet? Or are we just more worried about? Can
they read? And do they know how to do math? You know, you see a lot
of urgency around those topics. And this is, what intentional
parenting is about is really about confronting, what your lens is,
what is your worldview? What are you thinking about? What is your
concern? What are your priorities, and making sure that you
understand you have a huge responsibility before almost
father in a manner? And, again, are you? Are you clear about your
intentions? So the three questions key questions that every
prospective parents so this is even before we had children, so
imagine, there were gonna be a lot more questions afterwards. But the
three questions at any point of your parenting that you want to
ask yourself is, why do I want to become a parent? Right For what
reason?
And if you already have your children, why do you want to have
children? And I remember a conversation I had with Michelle,
very knowledgeable brother many years ago, he kind of posed this
argument that he thought all parents were very selfish. And I
said, What do you mean? He said, I think a lot of parents today are
very selfish. They make they have children for the most selfish
reasons. So I pushed back a little bit. I said, What do you mean?
Like, you know, I said, what if someone wants has a lot of love to
give, and they just want to be a parent because they love they want
to love. He said that selfish because you want to receive love,
right? So he went through all these different reasons of how, if
you really look into the intention, there's a lot of
selfishness. He said, where do you find the parents who say, and
these are his words that I want to raise the next Salahuddin? He
said, where's that parent, you know, that I want my child to be
righteous and to do incredible things to go out there and to, you
know, be an example for the rest of humanity and to have the best
character and to learn and where, where's that intention? Right? He
said that you'll hear lineage, you'll hear you know, I love
you'll hear all these reasons. But at the end of the day, if it's not
for the sake of Allah, it's a selfish reason. And that's really
important to think about for a moment, like why do you want to
become a parent? Is it because to please your parents, because you
got pressure from your in laws and your parents like, Okay, it's time
we have children yella, that's what you're supposed to do. Right.
So I just don't want to hear their complaints. Because you know, at a
certain point when you're a newlywed, that's always the
question, right? You go anywhere else? Oh, what? So it's been a
year now it's been? So in some cases, it's been a month now, you
know, why aren't we hearing good news about a pregnancy? So there's
pressure, sometimes we feel, but that's not the reason to become a
parent, right? The reason to become a parent is for the sake of
Allah. So questioning that intention? And then again, how do
I plan to prepare for parenthood? So now that you have your Nia
straight? What's your plan? What what are you doing? Who are you
talking to? Have you met with anybody that can give you
guidance? And some of the obvious, you know, things we mentioned,
like taking classes in advance. But there's also, you know, things
that we can do that are like, look for parents that have children
that you feel are doing something right, you know, we can all look
within I'm sure our families or our communities, and we will find
families that somehow there's something there right, you see
children have really good a Deb, right? I mean, I'm actually my
shell impressed. Look, we have little beautiful ones here, and we
don't hear a peep out of them, Mama, you're doing something
right. MashAllah mom and dad if the dad is here to very sweet
children, because it's in their nature to want to play and speak.
But somehow they've understood, right? So there's, but within our
community, we'll find these examples of people who have really
beautiful at all stages. And so speaking to them, like what
formula did you use? What How did you? How did you do this helped
me? I need, you know, guidance, right? To have a plan. And of
course, as I mentioned, learning about the rights of parenting, and
just how to prepare is more as essential, but also speaking to
people who have experience. And then when do I plan to get
started? So these are the questions that someone who is
interested, obviously, in becoming a parent should really be asking
themselves.
That's what intentional parenting is, right?
And then what parenting is and what it isn't. So again, just
having a clear understanding, in summary, that it is an Amana it's
a trust from Allah, our children as much as we love them. Some of
them look identical to us. How many of us have baby pictures of
ourselves and our children? And we're like, oh, wow, we're look so
similar. We're carbon copies of each other. We're not though they
are independent creations, Allah made them separately, and they are
actually souls. And this is a an interesting perspective, all the
souls were created at the same time, right in the primordial
realm and we were gathered. So our children's souls and our souls are
the same as our bodies that differ. So you have to remember
that that they are belong to all of us, that they are an Amana.
Right, for us, as a trust, to preserve and protect, but they do
not belong to us. And I think that's really hard to, to accept
because we're very territorial over our belongings, and our
children feel very much like they belong to us. And of course, they
are entrusted to us. But at the end of the day, if we don't see
that they are the property of Allah, just as we are the property
of Allah, just as all of us are the property of Allah, then it can
affect our way of treating them. Right because if you treat you
know something like it's yours and only yours, you may not take care
of it very well. Like right here I have my phone
I'm here, right? And you can see it's pretty used this case, right?
So it's old. But but maybe I'm not as careful with this as if you're
my sister in law's here, if she handed me her phone and said, Can
you watch this for me? Which phone? Do you think I'm going to
take care of much more, right? I'm going to be very careful not to
scratch not to drop not to do ad but this one, I might drop into
ADS, okay. You know, it's mine. So when you realize that your child
is a luz, you're not going to treat it like I can do with it, or
him or her? whatever I want. No, you cannot. Because you
understand, they're not yours, right? Of course, parenting is
itself a son of the prophesy, Saddam had children. It's a gift.
And it's also a test of our faith, we have to keep that part of it
real too. We will be tested through our children, we will be
tested through our loved ones, we will be tested with many people
that we may come across, or that are in our families, or that we
know. And that's just a reality of dunya. Alright, so that's what
parenting is. What it isn't, is what I mentioned earlier that
there's some marital rite of passage, like, Oh, now that you've
been now that you're married, it's time to have children. If you
again, look at it like that your intentions are off. It's also not
something that we do for fun, right? Because again, we get swept
away with, with just the excitement of it. It's also not a
way to exploit oneself or one's family.
And or to parade ones, you know, children or treat them like
trophies, clones, minions. So if you see your children like little
servants, yeah, go do this for me, go do that for me. And that's all
your relationship is with Allah, you are in trouble. They are not
your servants, they can serve you. And part of your job is to teach
them Hitman service of humanity. Because this was, again, it's
prophetic quality. It's a beautiful virtue. And it's
humbling so that they are prepared in their spiritual relationship
with Allah to see themselves as servants of Allah. Right. So it's
all a gradual process, serve your parents serve elders serve, you
know, people of need, whatever that you know, of coming here, for
example, to have a food pantry, serve people who are in need serve
be in service of people. And that is a very spiritual edifying
process. Right? So that's how we can teach our children sir, but
not because I said, so. Because I'm your mom and dad, and you
better do as I say, that attitude is very different, right? One is
tyrannical.
Right, which is in a can be abusive, because what happens when
the child says I don't want to,
right? If you tell the child a child to do something, and you
feel entitled to their service, and they say, I don't want to,
oftentimes the tyrant, the inner tyrant comes out. And we start
threatening, we start really being Altavilla, we can be very harsh.
This is all completely, you know, I mean, it's wrong on every level,
but where does it come from? It comes from the attitude that the
wrong lens, right, because you're looking at your children, like
they are yours to do whatever you want. So it's very important that
we understand what it is and what it isn't in Islam.
Now, this is also an important part of parenting is that at a
certain point, all of us, all of us should actually renew our, our
relationship with our Creator, first and foremost. And we do that
every day, right? In terms of our, you know, shahada, we are always
renewing our faith with ALLAH SubhanA during the prayer
throughout the day, but also when it comes to these types of
relationships that we have, we should frequently or try to re you
know, reassess, or or revisit, I should say, our intentions all the
time around many things, but especially when it comes to our,
our children. So what is a parental vow? Right?
A vow is something that you make, right? It's something that you are
very clear about. It's a very
transparent, intentional statement expressed or felt within you, you
can express it verbally,
that you're putting forth to Allah subhanaw taala kind of what I
mentioned what that what that brother had stated, like, the
parent who really wants great things for their children, and
they openly make that dua make that intention, make it a very,
you know, clear goal that they want, right? And so, now when we
talk about Puranic parenting, I wanted to bring some examples of
this exact type of a scenario. So one of my favorite stories is the
story of Hannah bent * who is the mother of Madame Anna has
sat down right now before she had Maria Maria has said um, she
really wanted children but she
You struggled with infertility. And so she saw mother bird feeding
its chick and in the moment of witnessing this beautiful, you
know, just in nature, she's watching this, she felt so
compelled to make this very beautiful dua to Allah Subhan
Allah to please give her a child and she made a really earnest,
sincere dua that she will pledge, right? Whatever Allah gives her
for his sake. Right? And so here's this verse, My Lord, indeed I have
pledged to you, what is in my womb consecrated for your service, so
accept this from me, indeed, you're hearing the knowing. So
after she made the DUA initially, and she found she was pregnant,
this is the vow that she made because she made the dua for for
bearing a child, he accepted that dua, and now she took her vow, and
she said, I want to
offer you this, you know, this, what's in my womb for your
service. And then when she
so Subhanallah, again, the story if you read the story of Miriam
and I said, um, when she was born, she was born as a female. And at
that time, Hannah was thinking because when you offer your child
for the service of Allah at that time, it was boys, right? That's
what she was thinking, I'm going to have a son. And then, you know,
I'll offer it to, to the, you know, to Allah, but Subhan Allah,
Allah willed for her to have a daughter and she was, of course,
startled by that, but Allah, Allah reassured her and of course, we
know the story of Madonna. So I guess I'm, she's one of the four
perfect women and who she became in her incredibly harrowing
experience. But who was she, she was dedicated to the, you know, to
the worship of Allah spa that she had in her own chambers, right?
Where she worshipped Allah all by herself, and she actually had
miracles happen to her. One of the miracles that she had is because
she was known to be so devoted in her practice, she rarely left her
chamber,
that she, she would have fruits that were out of season, come to
her, and provinces or Korea, you know, he was left in charge of
her, and he would come in and ask her, where did you get this plate
of fruits. And she said, from Allah, they were out of season. So
it's like, if there were winter fruits at the time of summer,
summer fruits at the time of winter, and they were gifts that
ALLAH SubhanA bring to her, even though she never left the chamber
to go get them. So this is who she was. And of course, there's so
many so much to learn about her. But the point is, when you make a
vow as a parent, and you fulfill that vow, right, like, if you
want, for example, how many of us have looked at our children and
said, y'all, I want to raise half of the Quran, like, I want my
children to all be high five, I want them all to have the crown of
the half of you know, which, which is one of the great honors of all
the people who memorize the book of Allah is on the Day of
Judgment, Allah will raise them right with crowns. So there'll be
known, but how many of us think of that, when before we even have
children, or I want my child to be a great, you know, that he or
share her share her or audio or audio or whatever, but like how
many of us have those types of real goals as opposed to
oftentimes I want them to be what a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer
make a lot of money, wealth, and we think of the dunya. So a vow in
this context is obviously, devotion to ALLAH SubhanA data,
you know, it's something where you're, you're, you really want
your child to be something great in the sight of Allah subhanaw
taala. And then, you know, this other beautiful dog, I see. So,
you know, that also point out that I protected.
Maria Maria salam from what, and all of her descendants from from
shaitan. So this is a special gift that she was given, right. And
that's part of the, the, the vow that her mother made that she was
protected in that way as well.
So, we have the parental vowel, right, which we mentioned. And now
we have the, the other part of being intentional as a parent. So
that's the starting point is we have that proper intention with
with the vowel. Now we have to remember the importance of prayer,
like continuous dua for our children is such an important
aspect of parenting. It's not enough to just
you know, I know when they're babies or when they're small. We
worry about their safety, right. We worry about some harm coming to
them. We're very protective. You'll see people hanging, you
know, little,
little, what do they call them tell wheeze right on their
children.
And they'll do all these things. I know people who would put like
their boy like infants in, in, you know, girl clothes because they
were so cute. And everybody always thought it was a girl anyway, so
they wanted to protect the boy from pain and misery. So they
would just dress it as a girl if they were going in public, or put
like, you know, black, I know someone who told me that that's
what their mother did, they would put like black dots with their
eyeliner all over the face to kind of make the child not look as
cute.
So naturally, we we think of protection for our children when
they're small. But as they grow into adolescence and teen years,
you feel there's this, this part of the relationship seems to
change. You know, parents don't really think about this as much
because it's almost like you've handed off. I taught them how to
pray. So now, you know they can do it on their own. And yes, we may
in our general dua Allah protect my family say that. But doing
protective dogs for your children is really important. So at night
time, for example, when they're asleep, it's really important to
continue that tradition, you know, that you as their parent, their
guardian, they're one that is responsible for their protection,
that that's one of your roles as a parent as I'm going to make active
dogs seeking protection every single night, because we just
don't know what you know, where the harms come from this world is
designed with, you know, unpredictability, there's just a
lot of unpredictability. And so if you are taking your relationship
with your children, you know, as we're describing it as this great
trust, and also that you're responsible for protecting them,
then you will find a means to constantly seek out ways to
protect them. So yes, making those laws at night, but also having a
culture in the household where you are doing protective dos together.
So we had earlier Likud here had Hamdulillah. And I don't know how
many of you are familiar with
a wilt. Right? So this is a copy of emammal had dad's erotic
Shahar, which is one, it's just a formula of protective DAWs. From
the Sunnah, Quran and Sunnah that Imam and her dad put together for
us to practice as Muslims to seek protection. So there are a rod,
which is these types of formula prayers, specifically for
protection from harm that all families should be doing, right,
we should all be doing them because there's a lot of again,
they're coming from every direction, right. And there's a
lot of wolves in sheep's clothing in this day and age, a lot of
people who seem to, you know, be friendly and want, you know, to,
to, you know, they're very nice, and they have, you know, a lot of
offerings for young children, but their agenda is to destroy
children there, they want to defile children, and Allah will
make them obvious, but we have to not be so naive to think that, you
know, everybody is just so nice. Now, there are a lot of people in
different areas who who don't want the best for our children, they
want, you know, to basically promote their own agendas through
our children. And so we have to really protect our children. And
the best way to do that, of course, is to teach them and to
help them navigate these different things, but also to make dua,
right. So sorry, I skipped a slide here. So um, so making a DHA is
very essential. And that's what this word, or a practice like a
word will do is it'll give you as your family, something that just
makes you feel like you're creating this protective shield
around your family before you start your day, right before you
go out to school go out to work. Before you leave the house, if you
have young teenagers who are beginning to drive, they should
know the doors for leaving the house for getting in the car. And
you should train them as young children to always practice saying
your protective doors, so that by the time they're in, you know,
high school or college when you'd have to send them away to live
sometimes in another state, that you've given them all the means,
right? To protect themselves in Sharla. And you're not staying up
at night because I speak to a lot of parents who have so much
anxiety. They're literally on their surging with with anxiety
hormones throughout their body because all they think about is
the fear this fear of like this happening to my child to have any
my child. And so how can we protect them, when they're away
from us? We can teach them how to protect themselves and give them a
direct relationship with Allah subhanaw that right? So part of
our job as parents is young when they're young is to give them
habits because habits can are so good to form when they're younger.
And that's where, you know, I mentioned this the other day with
some friends, but like
something as simple as, you know, entertainment for our children,
right? A lot of us are we have the Disney plus the Netflix accounts,
maybe even
songs and music, that our children really liked to listen to a lot of
offerings, right? When it comes to that kind of stuff. And we
habituate our kids to like those things. And then of course, we
have devices and iPads and constantly games, the problem with
creating habits like that is they,
they are there, first of all designed to be addictive, right.
So all of those things are they get into the brain, and the child
doesn't know how to tell the difference, they just keep wanting
to do it, and they don't have some, they don't have the ability
to stop themselves. So you're forming, even though it's giving
you a break sometimes, and I know we all had to rely on these at a
certain point. But at the end of the day, if you continue to do
those habits all throughout their childhood, adolescence, then don't
be surprised when they're teenagers, and they get their
phone for the first time. And all they want to do on this is
entertain themselves, right? Because that's all they associated
with it, like I have my phone now just like I had my pad when I was
younger, so I'm gonna get apps and games and, and watch YouTube and
Tiktok and social media and just spend all my day on listening to
music and consuming harmful material. Because I was habituated
to that in a different way, from a young childhood, right. So we need
to do better and become more creative about the type of media
that we expose our children to, right. And so Quran becomes part
of the offerings that we should start with our younger children,
they should be listening to Quran as, as a beautiful, you know,
event of their day not as a subject that they have to learn
and strict and it's, you better learn it and memorize it, if
you're doing that to your children, don't expect them to
have a very good relationship with Allah, you know, don't expect them
to have, like, they'll ever want to go to the masjid and learn, or
they ever want to listen to the Quran, if it becomes this harsh
thing that you use to control their behavior, because you want
them to memorize and you're just worried about again, having maybe
your sister in law's child did their I mean, when the child was
seven, and now it's a competition, don't do that. Your children,
just, they're yours. And you. And you have to really not worry about
competition with these things. It's very toxic. And this is all
shaitan. So don't do things like that, because I've seen it as
someone who used to teach children to young children, I've found it
very troubling. The attitude that a lot of parents had, with, you
know, their children's progress. It was very much about how much
are they memorizing how and how, you know, like it's numbers to
them. And it wasn't about planting a seed of real love, and
connection with all the spiders book. So you have to change your
attitude about all of these things, but specifically with the
book of Allah subhanaw taala. Because if you can teach them to
have a really strong relationship with the book of Allah and enjoy
it, then you can also teach them all of those doors. And they start
to again, have a bond where you are not really in the picture
anymore directly with them. And that's the goal. Right? In the
beginning, we're holding hand holding, or hand holding until we
get them to a place where we can let them go on their own. Because
that's what they're going to do anyway. They're going to have to
traverse the dunya alone. We're not always going to be around. And
so if we don't teach them how to do that, but with Allah subhanaw
taala to protect them and always be with them and that they know
that they go to Allah right when they're having anxiety. Oh,
there's a dua for that. Oh, I'm sad. I can read, you know, this
particular sorter because this reciter from my childhood, I
remembered, every time I felt sad, I had this beautiful playlist that
my mom put together for me, my dad put together for me, and as soon
as I heard that reciter right, I felt inspired. And if you don't
know I should mention it here. Just yesterday, there was an app
that was released by a very close friend of mine. She's also a
teacher here in the Bay Area. Her name is Stata, mme Amira. Brahimi.
Please make dua for her. She put together an app on iOS and on
Android Google called Claudia Qari. Ah, this is an incredible
app. Why because it's the first app of its kind to feature all
female reciters from around the world. So moms with little girls,
you have to teach show your little girls the power of the female
recycler, because in the West, we don't have we don't really have
these. This very, it's not very common here. But if you go to
other parts of the world, they're female, have five female, you
know, audios that are the win championships, they're in
competitions. And they if you hear them their voices are incredible
powerful. They they
I'm so they're really very inspiring. But we should create
that content for our children, right? So that they know that from
a young age, I don't need to go and turn on Netflix when I'm bored
or Disney plus, because I'm bored, no, I can do something that that
is beneficial to me. And this is where creative parenting comes
into play to like coming up with ideas to teach your children not
to rely on those mediums, you know, and I, you know, I'm
speaking as someone who, you know, I teach about social media
literacy, because I did the research a long time ago, and I
saw how harmful it was. So from my own kids, I had very strict rules
about this. They were, it was rigid, and it works if you if you
can commit to it, but you have to do it, which is no matter what,
this is the limit, if it's 30 minutes a day, one hour a day, and
it's only this medium or only this content, you are the parent, you
are the rule maker, they are subject to what your rules are.
But if you give in and you cave, because you're tired, and you
think, Oh, it's okay, you're gonna create habits that will spiral and
then they become very difficult to maintain, because the child knows
now, right that you give it to them once. So if I wind and I
kick, and I scream, and I make a fuss, they might give it to me
again, and then it's over, right? So you have to draw a line. And if
you're fixed and say, This is it, that's it no more and then give
them alternatives. Of course, you know, like, this is something else
we can do, you will see that effective parenting come through
for you. Because you're breaking these habits, and a lot of our
kids now are, they can't break from they're addicted to these
mediums. And so it's just something to consider. But the
reason I brought all that up because because the Duaa of the
parent is so important, but we need to also teach our children to
make dua for themselves. And so here are some beautiful verses
from the Quran, where Prophet Zakaria is teaching us how again
to make these dogs right, my Lord, grant me from yourself a good
offspring, indeed, you are the hero of supplication. So that's
before you have children really seeking again, the best of
offspring. And indeed, I fear the successors after me and my wife
has been barren. So give me from yourself an heir. So again,
relying, you know, on Allah subhanaw taala. And really looking
at your you know, that you are constantly, you know, need a need
of Him, it's so important that we realize that, because we would
kind of sometimes think that these things are automatic, oh, I'm just
gonna try to have a child and I have it, but it's all from Allah.
And if you make your intention connected to his pleasure, then
inshallah he'll give you tofield through that child, right. And so
some, but all of these, you know, verses are to remind us to make
intentional laws, and continue to make dua for our children, right,
who will inherit me and inherit from the family of Jacob and make
him my lord pleasing to you so important, that we constantly ask
us about that to make our children pleasing to Him, not pleasing to
us not pleasing to our in laws, and our parents and the family and
the community. That's where the trophy child comes, but that they
truly are pleasing to Allah subhanaw taala, right, that Allah
loves them, because they're good children, they have good, good
tarbiyah. And they and of course, all children are pure and
beautiful, but that they continue that right, even into adulthood.
And that's the power of the dog, the parent.
And then another really important aspect of intentional parenting is
self reflection, right? The success is that successful parents
understand the importance of having high expectations, working
hard for them, but also knowing that outcomes are not up to them.
So we should always have high expectations with our children,
that's very good to have high him, right. So always want success from
them, always put them on the path of success, and work towards those
goals. It shouldn't just be like lip service. But then, ultimately,
you have to surrender to whatever Allah decrees because we cannot
predict the future and we cannot script our lives. If we all could,
life would be very different. We would be in Jannah. Right? If we
can all write a life plan and then have it all unfold, what would be
the difference, you know, between that, this dunya and gender?
Because gender would be it's a wish list, isn't it? Like, when
you think of gender, it's your list of all the things you want.
So this dunya is we don't have that type of control. And so it's
really important to remember that outcomes are by Allah subhanaw
taala, right. And here's some relevant verses for us to think
about that. So, again, asking for virtue or really having high
expectations, holding ourselves to account but then ultimately
surrendering to all us. Pradas decrees. So in chapter 25, verse
74, and those who say our Lord grant us from among our wives and
offspring, comfort to our eyes and make us an example, for the
righteous
So this is again, really important to come back to high, you know,
intentions high,
you know, virtues and goals in terms of what you want for your
children, to make us an example for the righteous. And then
chapter 46, verse 15. And We have enjoined upon man to his parents
good treatment, right, his mother carried him with hardship and gave
birth to him with hardship and his gestation and waiting period is 30
months. And then you go down further, my lord enable me to be
grateful for your favor which you have bestowed upon me, and upon my
parents. This is of course the dua for of the child for the parents,
indeed, I have repented to you. So recognizing your own shortcomings
being very, you know, holding yourself to account is so
important. As a parent, you try your best, you want to be
grateful, but you're also going to make mistakes. And that's why Toba
is so important. And then the final verse here, so in Allah let
the believers put their trust. Surrendering to the will of Allah
is so essential, because there's going to be things that we just
don't expect. I've had, we just had earlier, a sister here with us
who mentioned the loss of a child, which, of course, is the most
devastating of all tribulations that a person can experience. But
that is a reality that a lot of people deal with every where and
every day. They're this happens, and so people's faith are put to
the test in this way. And that's the design of the dunya. But you
have to just know that there's wisdoms that we will not
understand. And there's answers to questions that we will not receive
in this dunya. But the believer has such a strong Yaqeen and
conviction in their Lord, that they don't question beyond, you
know, the fact that Allah decreed it is enough. But having that
attitude before, you know, problems or tribulations arise
will help you to cope when they do. So when you are prepared.
That's why we remember death. That's why we remember to have
perspective about you know, the temporality of this life, is
because if you're thinking on those terms regularly, then when
life hits you with something hard, your heart is much more prepared,
as opposed to those who are lost in, in the dream, right of this
world, because this is like a dream state. For those who are not
awake, like really awake, the dunya is a dream state because
it's full of illusion, full of false promises, false hopes,
right? There are a lot of people who just invest their entire
existence into chasing the dunya. But then Subhan, Allah, Allah can
take it away like that, right. And so that's where we have to
remember that chasing the dunya. And, you know, being caught up in
anything that takes us from Allah subhanaw taala is, is a major
delusion that so many of us can find ourselves in. And the best
way to break out of that is to remember the seriousness, the
gravity of the existence, of life, of death of all these things. And
at the end of the day, it's all temporal, and we just have to put
our trust in Allah. Right.
So the summary, for today's theme,
is that we have to have a single mindset, we can't be of two minds,
when we come to parenting, I can't be chasing the dunya and want the
other life, I have to make a decision, which one's more
priority, if you live for the Afra, then the beautiful thing
about the obvious answer here, which is living for the other
life, is that when you choose Allah subhanaw taala, and choose
the other life, Allah will facilitate for you, this dunya,
right, he'll, he'll make things easier for you. But if you choose
the dunya, and start to pursue all of those worldly things, then you
will actually have a lot of hardship. It's, it's because
you're not making the right decision. And so it's kind of like
you're working against yourself, when you pick the dunya, even
though it feels like you're working for yourself, right?
You're worried about money, and you're worried about status and
power, and, you know, all these things that people throw
themselves into, you actually end up harming yourself, even though
it feels like you're working towards a goal because this world
is temporary, it's going to be over but the next world is
everlasting. So obvious choice there. And then to purify and
renew your intentions really important at every stage of your
parenting. Why are you a parent? What am I doing? Why am I doing
this? And how do I see my children? Are they just property
of mine? I just see them as my property and I can say and do
whatever I like or do I genuinely believe that they are the property
of Allah subhanaw taala. And I have them for a temporary
temporary time and I don't even know how long I have them for. And
I better make sure I take care of this property and give it back
better than how it was given to me. Right? That's the challenge
giving it you know, returning to ALLAH SubhanA his property in the
best state right. Establishing your vows. What are your vows as a
parent? Right? Really important that we
that we have vows? Like what what do you want to Why do you want to
be a parent and what do you hope to have your children
have, you know become or how do you see them? In the future? What
is your dream or goal for them right? And then make sure you're
making the laws regularly. It has to be every single day. I can't
imagine that a parent would go to sleep at night without making a
true, you know, dog for their children. We should really think
about that. Like, if I am spending my nights watching my favorite
shows, and falling asleep with the TV. And I don't even think about
this, then. Don't you know, I mean, this is why we're kind of in
the state that we're in is we've abandoned these very clear,
obvious practices of our deen that we're always taught to constantly
make dua ask Allah for guidance. You're worried about your
children, like I have parents all the time have come to me and
worried. I'm so worried about my kids as their Eman. You know, they
go to the school, they go to that school and their friends are like
this. I don't know if they're, you know, their faith is weak, their
faith is this. And then when you ask them, so do you, you know, how
often do you get up for the 100? Oh, you know, it's so hard I'm so
tired. Get up, get up make it a priority if you're going through a
trial with your children wake up in that sacred time that we know
is you know, dollars, Mr. Jab, Allah's seeking out who's who's
got prayers so that I can answer them. And you're going to, you
know, pick up the phone and call people and complain about your
children, but you don't go to the one who can actually change their
state. So we have to be better and realize we have means ALLAH has
given us the means to find solutions. But we're looking
always in the world. You know, for means picking up the stuff
guidance counselor, this shift this person, what about Allah,
he's the one who can flip your child's heart. You got to go to
him first. And then yes, you can figure out other people. But if
you're not doing that part, there's a problem, right? So the
parental prayer, and the weight of the prayer of the parent, we have
to know it.
And remember to hold yourself accountable. If you hold yourself
a mirror every day, which is what the process of Maha Sabha is
right. Maha Sabha is taking yourself into account. So every
day before you go to sleep, the best part really, I mean, you
could do it even in bed when you're laying there before you're
dreaming, is to just think about what did I do today? That was a
low point for me as a parent, did I yell at my child? Was I
disrespectful? Did I teach them to lie? Sometimes we teach our
children very bad habits because we're doing them and they're
modeling us. And if you did that, it's okay. Make a software, ask
ALLAH forgive me, I need to do better, but renew your intentions.
If you're not even doing that accountability, then you're not
aware of yourself and the cycles, repeat habits get formed, your
children learn from you. And then you find yourself Oh, in crisis
mode. So self accountability is essential every day. And also look
at the high moments y'all Allah, we had a really beautiful
discussion today or my child got up and prayed, for example,
without even me asking them to they did it on their own, y'all
Please protect that for them. Y'all. Please make them always be
the type that prey on their own. I don't have to hound them. Did you
pray? Did you pray? Did you pray? Why are we doing that? Right? We
have to figure out why don't they want to pray for themself, instead
of just being that nagging voice that bothers them, and then they
feel like, I don't want to ever pray as soon as I leave this
house, don't use you know, they say like Insanity is, is when you
use the same situation over and over again, thinking it's gonna
have a different result. So you have to know as a parent that at a
certain point, if something isn't working for your child, you have,
you have to have a different strategy. And that's why it's
important to know your children, right, and really pay attention to
their temperaments. You can have three, four or five children in
one household, all completely different personality types. But
if you have a one size fits all model parenting, you're not going
to be very effective. But if you see your children, right, like our
teachers talked about Subhanallah, something called, you know, the
the Nether, the eye, the eye of the parent, it's a very powerful,
potent
look that the mother especially has, and I'm speaking mostly to
the sisters here. But you know, the mother has a lot of power and
in the way that we validate our children, right? So if we give our
children that I that I see you, I value you I respect you, I love
you, you matter, right? I take your opinion into consideration.
I'm not just talking down to you because I think you're just this
annoying child that I have to be quiet all the time. It's tough for
law. If you disrespect your children that way, don't be
surprised when you're 6070 years old, and you're in need of their
care and they're talking down to you the same way. It's going to
come back. Right but if you honor your children and you respect
them, you listened to them. Yes. You know, my kids know, when I'm
working if they come in, it's a rule. You know, I have to if I'm
on the phone, I have to put it away. If they will ask for a hug,
no matter
What I'm doing, all right, it's hug time, I can't sit and they
will, they'll, they'll guilt me. And I told them do that if I am
ever so engrossed in my phone or work that I can't stop to hug my
child, you should tell me so that I feel most awful. I'm sorry, but
they do it, you know, and now Alhamdulillah, we have that
established relationship where they know that is a need for them,
they'll come in, and I'm sure you have little ones here. You know,
they need affection, they, but if we're too busy cooking, if we're
too busy on the phone, if we're too busy doing our own stuff, and
we'd shoo them away and dismiss them. While we're telling them as
I don't, you're not as important to me as all this stuff. And yes,
there's, you know, balanced, I'm not saying you have to completely
sit there all day and stare at their face, you know, but make
sure your children never question that they're not important to you.
If they feel they, you let them walk away from you feeling that
someone else or something else is important. Above them when they're
young, it's really going to affect their confidence, right. And
their, their their overall, there's a lot of things that can
happen with that, because you see all these kids who have deep
insecurities, and it comes from the home environment, a lot of
times because they didn't get the parental love and affection that
they needed. So when they're young, it's so essential that we
see our children, and then watch what happens because when they
feel seen as their young adolescence, and then they go into
adulthood,
you will feel seen as well. They'll speak to you with respect,
they'll listen to you, they'll come to you when they have
problems, because you've created an environment of trust of love.
But it starts with us, right? So there's all these things that we
have to do as parents to remind ourselves of these things, but
holding ourselves accountable is the way to get there. If you don't
hold yourself accountable, then you just think you're doing the
best job and it's good enough. And that's it's never good enough. We
always want to be better, work hard. And then of course, like boy
letting go of outcomes and have that. So this was the summary of
the theme for today. If there are any questions, I'm happy to stick
around for a little bit longer.
I think questions. Oh, yeah, there's a mic inshallah.
hamdulillah that's good.
Oh, yeah. Okay. Well, thank you. Just like you're welcome for
coming by, shall I really, you know, we kind of because it's the
first time we're opening up post COVID. We didn't know what to
expect by so let's try. There might be people who want to
comment, Michelle, your children are so beautiful. May Allah
protect and preserve all of them. I don't think I've ever attended a
session with this many children and not had a peep out of them.
That is like amazing. Martial law, my shot the vertical. And not to
say that I would have a problem with that. But it's just, there's
something clearly that they that you're doing right. Continue?
Yes.
Oh, yes, absolutely. So this word that I mentioned, if you do a
search right now, I'll give you the link. Okay, if you have your
phone out. Let me actually see if I can display it here. Maybe I can
do that. Because for those who are here, let me see.
Yes, it's more salah.org. So this is
and they have, sorry, you know what, let me do the actual PDF
search.
PDF with.
So there's two different, we're sorry.
Of course, it's good to do this. So one second.
So the word that I would recommend, it's not just me it's
actually our teachers is called a lower the Latif which is the
second one. This one is for group recitation. But the one that
that we read,
in the morning, for example, my family, we read this every day, we
have this in the morning playing, there's a YouTube video of this,
that you can find. There's actually a lot of YouTube videos
of recitations of this. This is a free PDF, so you can print it at
home, if you go to this website, which is more seller and you wa sa
LA. But the easiest thing to do is just do a URL, where the Latif
take a screenshot of it or a picture of it, and do a PDF search
of that just do PDF, the title. It'll come up, it's the first
link, and then go to YouTube. And also search on where the Latif and
you'll hear the 18 minute one is the is the proper duration. Some
of them are shorter, like 11 do 18 minutes, very easy. When you're
cooking breakfast, you're getting the kids ready, if they're go to
school, have it playing, if you have a Bluetooth speaker or just
on just play it and it's inshallah after time you'll find that
they've memorized it because if they're younger, they'll memorize
it's it's a really beautiful thing that happens with the brain is you
could just passively memorize it
So in sha Allah but do this every single day for yourself your
family may Allah protect us all protect our homes in sha Allah but
well yeah okay
any other questions?
But yeah, I've got one thank you vertical Luffy comfort attending
mashallah
hum did Allah You know, it's really important that we have, you
know these? I mean, we come back to our community and have these
types of gatherings together because we're all in the same
boat, you know whether our children are older or younger. We
all need each other. We need these reminders. So I'm really grateful
to MCC please make dua for everyone at MCC for facilitating
and all of the all of you for being here. Thank you
Alhamdulillah. We'll see you in Sharla next week, so close out in
da Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim Allah Azza in Berlin, Santa Fe,
hawser il Edina mn Iwamoto, Swati Hattie, whatever, so we'll happy
with the rest of the summer. Subhanak Alohomora. We have we
have negotiated my La Ilaha Elantra software going to be Lake
Allahumma said it was set on mobile I gotta say that I will
Mowlana What have you been on Hamad? sallallahu alayhi wa salam
ala It was sort of this Lehmann cathedra. So Hannah be
cannibalized at EMI UC phone was salam ala l Mursaleen. 100 Lillahi
Rabbil Alameen have hamdulillah it was like Malala had and again
everyone. Thank you so much. Inshallah, we'll see you next
week. In Samadhi.