Ramadan 2016 – Remedies for Your Marriage – 8 (Final) – Conflict Resolution
June 30, 2016
Haleh Banani – Ramadan 2016 – Remedies for Your Marriage – 8
AI: Summary ©
The importance of knowing one's own feelings and timing in conflict resolution is emphasized. The speakers stress the need to defuse and manage emotions in a positive way, finding ways to help others, and finding ways to deal with past experiences. The importance of flexible communication and finding compromise is emphasized. The speakers also emphasize the importance of avoiding negative self-talk and criticizing oneself for not doing enough work. The speakers offer free webinars and resources for individuals with marital problems.
AI: Summary ©
Salam Alaikum Welcome to Ramadan remedies for your marriage. This is the last and final episode and I'm going to be teaching you how to do conflict resolution. Last time I talked about the characteristics of having that are necessary for conflict resolution I'm going to very quickly go over them until until people sign in inshallah
because a lot of fun Rahim in 900 Allah Muhammad who enesta you know who in istockphoto when I was a villa, he mentioned sruti amfa Sena, women say, tr mileena mejor de la who follow Modi Lula woman, you follow her de la vida de la ilaha illallah wa shatta. And now Mohammed and Abdo, Ursula Amata.
So, last time I was telling you about the characteristics to have in in conflict resolution is really important. Yes, I got a mic. I'm glad you like it. And I hope the sound is much more clear. And I have freehand. So this is exciting.
So the five characteristics for conflict resolution, first of all, is wisdom, you have to be wise you have to think about how you're going to talk how it's going to affect the people that you're going to be communicating with. Second was emotional stability, you have to keep it together, you gotta hold on hold on to the way you react, control your emotions, then it was respect, making sure that you interact with people respectfully, then the fourth one was being God conscious. God conscious where you are aware that whatever it is that you're saying, whatever it is that you're doing, that Allah is watching, and you're going to have to be accountable. So it's very important to
keep that in mind. And the fifth one is to have empathy. Always think about your spouse, think about how it's going to be affecting them, put yourself in their shoes. And when you have these five characteristics, then it's going to be much easier to do the conflict resolution. So you need to start with the end in mind before you have a before you go about resolving a conflict, start with the end in mind, think about how you want people to first of all, you want to ask yourself, what is the objective of this? What is the what do I want to accomplish? Is it just to win the fight? Is it my ego? Is it that I want an adrenaline rush, I'm looking for drama, because some people
subconsciously get into conflict, because they've been brought up with it. They're used to the drama in their home, and they just pick fights with their spouse. So make sure that when you want to address a conflict, you you think to yourself, what is the outcome that I want? And how do I want to end up feeling how do I want my spouse to end up feeling? I'm guessing most people are not asking that most people are not even they don't have a goal other than you better hear me out, this is my point, get it across to you and and it becomes very much about imposing your view on someone else and expecting them to change. And very, very often that is the only goal that people have before
approaching a conflict. And it's so critical to think about the fact that I want to get my message across in the most constructive way. I want the message to penetrate my spouse's heart enough so that they will be able to empathize, right? You can't force it, you can't force someone to see your perspective. If you lack empathy, if you're not being if you are not sharing in a way that is wise. And also you want to think about the person's feelings that am I just getting things off my chest? Am I just complaining? Am I just yelling and getting rid of all this, like built up stress?
And if so, then you really have to cool off and you really have to take some time to to channel your anger or channel your frustration in a constructive way. Maybe Maybe you pray, maybe you work out. Maybe you do something, maybe write it out and talk it out to someone else before you approach your spouse so that you don't go in with just this feeling fired up and you feeling that you're going to make them you know, you're gonna make them understand. And you want to also make sure that you make your spouse feel heard and understood. And at the end, the goal is that you have a better
Understanding, it's not about, I'm going to just let them have it and the heck with how they feel. Because a lot of times, people do that a lot of times, people are just, they could care less about the feelings of their spouse. And that's why they say some really horrible thing. I had a client who was complaining, they said, you know, we just had a fight today. And you know, my spouse told me that he hated me. And it shows in tears, this is something that, yes, he apologized, but that that's gonna leave an impact when you hear those words. So we have to be aware of the feelings, and the end result that we have. So that's, that's what we all we always want to start with the end in mind. Now
there are four steps to the conflict resolution. First, is be aware of timing, be aware of the timing,
that is so crucial, if you don't keep in mind that what is what is their state. And if this is a good time, then they're not going to open up at all, and they're not going to be receptive. So you need to think to yourself, is my is my spouse stressed? Are they you know, are they hungry? Are they? Are they sleepy? Are they preoccupied your dogs don't pick a fight, you know, at 1am, I had a couple that I was seeing in Dubai. And, you know, the guy was like, Oh, my God, you know, it's like one o'clock in the morning, and my wife wants to discuss all these, you know, all the issues that she had, and he kept us up until five o'clock in the morning. This is not effective, right. All he
wanted to do was sleep. And he just wanted her to stop, stop nagging him, it was he was not open and receptive to changing himself or improving the marriage. So you really have to pick the right time. It is not the time when your spouse walks through the door, when he is just arrived home, he's tired, he's worked all day.
Don't attack him right there and say, you know, I have problems or the kids are driving me nuts and your parents are driving me nuts, we need to have a talk, I'm fed out because you're going to create a very negative association to the house to you. So I think what
we need to do is really look at the timing and make sure that when you want to address the whatever it is that you want to address, whether it's about Okay, you know, about his parents or about her spending, or about the kids, whatever it seems to be, you need to keep these things in mind. So that they're going to be open and receptive. They're starving, they're not going to hear a thing that you say, right? If they're pressured at work, maybe they have a deadline, maybe they just recently had a death in the family. And they're like they're hurting, or they're at an all time low. You don't want to kick them when they're low, you want to really keep the other person's emotions in mind before
trying to solve the problem.
So first time we said is, first thing is timing. Number two, I want you to make observations rather rather than criticize, make observations. So what do I mean about that is that a lot of things may bother us, okay, there may be a lot of things that our spouse does that is either annoying or upsetting. And so the way you need to approach it, is that you make an observation, you say, I noticed that the dishes have not been cleaned. For the past few days, you're making an observation, okay? Rather than say, I cannot believe we're so lazy, we're home all day. How could you not wash the dishes? What's wrong with you? Right, so that becomes a direct attack and it makes the person
feel feel very criticized.
Salaam Alaikum, Russia fast me and eater, that's very sweet that you joined us as a friend, a dear friend. And so you really need to make an observation, make an observation. Another example is when, let's say you tell your spouse, I noticed that the bills have not been paid, right? This is an observation. Do you need some help with it? Have you been stressed out? Do you need me to do anything? Rather than saying, You are so irresponsible, how can you not pay the bills? Don't you see that we're getting late fees don't even know that how this is going to affect our credit line. So this becomes this attack where a person will feel really criticized and most couples that I work
with and doing couples therapy, they will tell me that you know, they're fed up with their spouse criticizing them and it's and it's on both sides, right. The men could be criticizing their wives about how things are not perfect about the cooking about the cleaning about the patient.
parenting about the spending, the wives could be, the wives could be criticizing about your own spending time with me, you're not a good enough father you're not providing Well, you're not. I mean, the list goes on and on, you're not at home enough. And so we really need to make a conscious effort to actually just make observations rather than criticize it. Because what happens when someone criticizes you, it's very rare that you get a criticism and you're like, oh, thank you guys, I really want to change myself, I'm so glad you brought that to my attention that I'm like a lazy bum. I really want to now just get up and clean the entire house. And no one says that, Oh, you know
what, thank you for letting me know how irresponsible I have been. Because now I want to, like reorganize the whole filing cabinet. And I'm gonna, like, really, I'm gonna get a system in place. No one does that. Because when you're criticized, you feel so incredibly hurt, you're frustrated, you feel underappreciated. And so you're just like, you know, what, what's the point, if I'm going to be picked on because I didn't do the dishes, or I missed one bill. And now she's going to be on my case, it really makes the person like, kind of give up, like, you know, what, what's the point? And that's what I hear all the time with from my clients is that like, what's the point, it's not
like he's gonna ever appreciate me, it's not like she's going to be kind to me. So what we need to make sure is that we're making observations and not criticizing. The third thing is find ways to defuse the problem defuse the situation. A lot of times, when a problem arises, people start feeling really agitated, they get fired up, and you need to find an effective way to tone things down, to put water over the fire, right. And that's so critical to do. And I want you to ask your spouse when you're not fighting, okay, when things are going well, when you're just hanging out, ask your spouse, you know, what can I do? When you're upset? What can I?
What is it that I can say or do that will calm you down that will help you in that process? And what what I have seen in couples therapy is that sometimes, let's say the man I had a situation where a couple,
he had had a tendency to get fired up, he had a really bad temper. And he would tell me, what really irritates me is when I when I'm upset, and then my spouse starts telling me just calm down, calm down, well, you just keep it quiet. And she's more focus on getting him to, to get quiet than to actually addressing the issue at hand and his eye that just that really drives me crazy. And so I asked him, like, what would you want her to do? What would
prevent you from from that, you know, from getting more and more angry. He's like, all I need is a hug at that point. You know, I want her not to oppose what I'm saying. And to just hike me, and that way I feel, I feel like I'm hurt. I feel like she's on my side. I had another couple
where when she got angry, she just you know, she really wanted him to, to listen, just listen. She's like, you know, I'm frustrated about his parents visiting, and I just want him to sit and and listen, you don't have to agree. Right? You don't have to say, Yeah, I know. They're horrible. I don't know, I can't stand them either. You know, you're not expected to do that. You're just expected to listen and empathize. Now if she's saying, you know, I really had a hard day, and they nitpick everything I do. I never feel like it's good enough. I don't feel appreciated. I don't feel like I'm accepted. And you have to say, You know what? That must be that must be really annoying.
I'm sure that you know, you're really frustrated. You have so much to do. The kids are at home, you're putting so much effort. Yeah, thank you so much for for what you're doing.
That's all it takes. That's all it takes guys. If you're tuning in, listen to your wife, hear her out. And empathize. Don't try to solve the situation. Don't be like, well, you need to do this, this and this and then the problem will be solved. A lot of times just want to be heard. Right? And so you try your best to find ways to diffuse the anger and you know, you could use you could use humor. You could use hugs, you could say like let's let's take a little break, and, and just calm down before we discuss this any further. And with the humor. You have to be really careful using humor because many people use humor but in a very derogatory way. There's sarcasm and they say
Things that belittles their spouse that is not, that's going to just make the situation worse, what you need to do is use humor that you know, you know, for sure that your spouse is going to find funny, maybe something you said, maybe a past memory that you have an inside joke, something that would just make them crack up, okay? If you can come up with that, that is that actually is a characteristic of a very, like a highly developed relationship, where you know, your spouse well enough to know how to diffuse the anger. If you are at that point, then you are like one of the you master, you master your marriage. Okay? And if you are,
if you don't, a lot of times, people when when their spouse gets angry, they they are just at a loss. A lot of men shut down Oh, boy, here she goes, again, I just need to, I just need to go hide, I need to get out of here because she's she's acting crazy again, okay. And they feel so flustered. And they just want to you know, there's so there's major avoidance behavior. It could really be the fuse if you just find out from your spouse, and you don't need to do guesswork, right. Because a lot of times, men will get very confused during the trial and error side will this work last time it's not working now, I don't know what to do. And that's, that's the biggest complaint that I have from
men and therapists, like, I really don't get her, I don't get her. I don't know how to make her calm. She's unpredictable. These are the complaints, right? So what you need to do is have this discussion and find out how you can diffuse the anger. And those people who are well acquainted with their spouse, they can just say something. And in one statement, they can like, calm everything down. Now, a lot of people use sarcasm, they use it, and they find it hilarious, right? But then the spouse is hurt. That spouse is like crying. And they're like, I used humor, you know, I it was hilarious. I'm like, how many people were laughing. And I will say, he just me like, well, that, you
know, it's not going to defuse the problem. If you're the only one laughing, if they are the butt of your joke, then that that's not conflict resolution, you're just you're just adding fuel to the fire. So be very careful when using that. And then the fourth fourth step is actually set methods, the Gottman method of you make two circles, okay, one big circle, and then one small circle, the big circle is things that you are flexible with saying, okay, here, there's a flexible stuff, and then the one in the middle is inflexible like this is I cannot compromise this. Okay. So for instance,
you could say, let's say you're deciding to buy a house, okay? Let's say I'm flexible. I am flexible with the fact that like, the size of the house, with the year was built, I'm flexible about
the, you know, the location, but I'm inflexible. For instance, well, maybe not the location, I'm inflexible, because I want let's say, the mass, the house to be close to a master, or I want the house to be right next to work, this is something I can't compromise on. And you both make these circles, and then you see how you can you can come to an agreement. I've done this with couples, when they're deciding on, let's say, family vacation, okay, I'm flexible with, you know, the length of time, I'm flexible with, let's say, where we go, but I'm inflexible in, for instance, who's coming with us or he come up when you come up with different scenarios. And once you have those
inflexible by what is inflexible, then you know, don't even don't even approach that. Okay? Because a lot of times arguments occur, because a person is trying to change their spouse on that thing, that they're inflexible. They're like, no way, don't even don't even go there. Right. And that's all they do to people are fighting over what's inflexible with them. So what you got to do is try to figure out how you can come to a compromise by understanding you chose like, Okay, well, that's great. You're, you're flexible about so many things. And that that's why that that circle needs to be really big, okay, you have to have a lot of things that you're flexible about, maybe one or two
things that you're just like, you know what, I cannot budge here. This is this is too important to me. And I need to make sure that I need to make sure that you understand this. And I think the main problem occurs and I see this in couples therapy all the time. Is that a person
You know, one spouse, let's say the wife is trying to change her husband's mind about something that he is so inflexible about, let's see, let's say the fact that
spending time with with the family with the end loss, right? That's like, you know, I can't, I cannot omit them from my schedule, I cannot just forget about them or not go to their events. And the wife is just insisting on that. Right. So it this is going to just create so much tension, so much fighting. And if you just realize and then come to a compromise, right? I think a lot of times what I see when couples are fighting, is that their expectation, okay. And that's like, going back to what I was saying at the beginning, is that many people, many people, at the beginning of an argument, they're not even they don't have a goal, right? It's just unloading. I'm frustrated. Let
me let you have it. It's that. But if you backtrack, and you think, okay, at the beginning, I'm going to think, why do I want to get out of this? How can I, you know, how can I effectively get my message across, if you, if you have that in mind, then you're going to be a lot more, a lot more understanding, you're going to, you're going to be in the mindset of a compromise, because a lot of times people just expect the other person their spouses, like, what you're not going to just give up all your beliefs and your perspectives for me what I thought you loved me. Right. That's so that is so
irrational, right? It's, it's very irrational to think that your spouse is going to give up whatever they believe in or whatever they want. And just just to make you happy, right. So you have to be reasonable, the word was unreasonable is very unreasonable to think that someone is just going to, like, you know, just throw in the towel. All right, I'll do whatever you want, whatever you say, I'm game, right? Very few people are like that. So you don't have to come in with the mindset that we are going to come to a compromise, you have to think Win Win, right? A lot of times, it's all about, okay, you know, just forget about whatever you were thinking about, forget your plans, forget all
that. And then come on board with me. That is what I see when I'm doing couples therapy, that is the mindset users change me to do it my way, or forget about it, right? But if you think Win Win, just think of it like a business negotiation. If you're only thinking what's in it for me, and you start putting all these demands, you go in, and you're just thinking about, Okay, I'm going to get this the percentage, I'm going to 90% me 10% you or I'm going to,
and you just think only about yourself, and you're not thinking about the other person, that person is not going to agree to the business deal, right? When you only when you are thinking and having their best interests in mind, that's when a person softens up and thinks, you know what, yeah, this, this sounds really fair. And that's how we need to think about it when you are, you know, resolving issues with your spouse, think that I want them to be happy. A lot of times, that's not the goal. Unfortunately, a lot of times people get in such a dark place there, they become so bitter, that they're only thinking about themselves, and they could care less how their spouse feels. So if
you're at that point, then that I would say that you need some professional help, because you're not going to go over this obstacle on your own. If you've gotten to the point that you could care less about your spouse, like, I'll say, whatever, I'll do whatever, because I really don't, I don't care about them, then it's going to be really tough to try to resolve the issues. So these are, these are the points that I wanted to talk about. Let me quickly recap. So before conflict resolution before you start your conflict resolution, start with the end in mind, start and think, okay, what's my goal here? What do I want to accomplish? And how do I want my spouse to feel? Obviously, you don't
want them to be offended, criticize, sad, angry, frustrated. So if you go in with that mindset, then you're going to avoid the things that that would lead to that. Now the four steps for conflict resolution to recap, one is timing, right? Timing is everything. Make sure they're in the right state of mind before you, you discuss with them. Number two, is you make observations and you don't criticize it's just observing. It's not a personal attack. Don't you know dragon, the past don't make generalization about their character. Just because they didn't do something. Don't give them some kind.
Have a label, okay? The third thing is find ways to diffuse the anger, find out why, you know, what calms your spouse down, what makes them feel happy, and try to do those things. And then the fourth was, you know, what I was telling you about making those the circles at the Gottman method is like you make one big circle. And these are all the things you're flexible about, and you write in the circle. And in one tiny little circle that says, This is what I'm an inflexible about this. I can't I can't budge here. And and then you compare your your circles and you come up with a compromise. Okay? So I in sha Allah, that
Allah blesses all our relationships help us to really have the skills because I, I just don't see it present, you know, when I, when I deal with people, whether whether in therapy, or outside of therapy, when issues come up at the workplace, when when there is conflict at the masjid when sisters have an argument. I really, it's really, really rare for me to see this at work, the conflict resolution is non existent. And it's so sad, because let's say you have a little argument with a friend. Next thing, you know, it's it explodes out of proportion, you're blacklisted, you ignore the person you cut them off. And that's how people deal with it. They have avoidance
behavior, I don't want to deal with this person. Okay, well, guess what, you're gonna have a lot of conflicts in life, it's the you know, it's very natural for you to have a maybe a different perspective, it's very natural for things to be misunderstood, right. So if you cut off each person that you disagree with, or each person that you have a misunderstanding with, you're not going to be left with a lot of people. And that's why you see, there are some individuals that they'll just have like that one friend, right, because everyone else is on the blacklist. So we have to be careful with that. Or you find that at the messenger, you know, and I've brought this up before. Yeah, in
the volunteering, you know, in the women's committee that suddenly, you know, a problem arises. And instead of people like mature adults coming and discussing and reaching a conclusion, it just becomes a huge ordeal, it becomes a huge deal. Everyone regresses to being a two year old, five year old. And don't, don't be prayer friends with her Don't be friends with her fighting, yelling, screaming, and then it's over. Right. Or sometimes you find in the workplace that competitiveness, and and people end up breaking up marriages because they don't know how to resolve conflict. And a lot of times when there is a problem in the marriage, and people bring their their families,
families, that Unfortunately, not all families have, you know, they have the good example, they don't have the knowledge of conflict resolution, they can't even you know, they can't even solve their own marital problems. So how can they come and help you. So it's just really important to get the right information to if you recognize that you don't have these skills, you can definitely acquire it. And if you've enjoyed this program, and if you've enjoyed these episodes, or Ramadan remedies for your marriage, I highly recommend you to sign up, I have free videos, there's four videos, my husband and I work really, really hard to produce something for the community to be able
to benefit to give you certain tools, certain suggestions, and he did an amazing job and editing it, I think you will like really, really enjoy it as captivating and the information anyone who has watched it, they say that the information has really had a transformative effect on them on their marriage. And so if you go to five, the number five pillars of marriage.com, sign up for four free videos. And I think that in order to continue working on your marriage post Ramadan, right, so this is all Ramadan remedies, but post Ramadan, we want to make sure that we are working on, on our marriage on all relationships, and hopefully, all this above that, that we did all the worship that
we did all the asking for forgiveness, the doors, the fasting, the charity, the prayer that we're on, all of that I really pray is demonstrated through our relationships, especially our relationship with with our spouse, if you don't see a difference in your relationship, if you don't see a difference in your character, then there is there's that missing link. So we want to make sure we take all of that we take all that. All that enlightenment, all that spiritual rush, spiritual in mind, the mind rush and then we channel it in all our lives.
ships and especially with our marriage, that we work on this don't give up. There are ways there's methodologies, I've seen people on a brink of divorce people who have come to me, they just they're like, you know, that just helped us. And we just we can't, we can't go on like this anymore. And sopapilla with just a few, with a few sessions with a few learning tools and techniques, things like I've, I've shared with you, I teach them as well, they apply it, and then they, they look forward to spending time together, they go on vacations together, and then their marriage becomes a source of comfort, and it becomes a source of joy, rather than a source of anxiety and depression. So
the special announcement that I had is that I was considering talking about doing actually a live session, possibly on a on a either a weekly, bi weekly, monthly basis, I want to get your input, I want to see if these have been beneficial. And also about the about the if you sign up for those videos, the free videos, give me your feedback, because I want to know if it's you know, if it's helping you how you like it and, and also like for these live webinars, I think that I'm definitely considering it, it's great to be able to, to reach out to provide to contribute. So let me know if if you you're interested, if you have some suggestions for topics, maybe we could do q&a on a on a
weekly basis. And it could be on different topics each week, maybe we could do parenting, then it could be on on building your self esteem, whatever, whatever you think I'm a bit open. I'm open to suggestions. So this has been, this has been a great experience. And just like a lot hair for tuning in, I want to take I want to do some questions and answers. And I could also talk about different topics such as anxiety, depression. So it sounds like you're saying you, you love the live videos. Okay, that's great. That's great. I tell me as far as like, if you would be able to tune in on a weekly basis, or like maybe
everything two weeks or once a month, you like the parenting ideas. Okay, I can keep that in mind, inshallah. And if there are some questions regarding the conflict resolution, let me know.
There's a question, okay.
You want
her husband has anger issues, these screens and curses? What should she do? Okay. My husband has anger issues.
He yells and screams and curses. You know, unfortunately, that is it's very common, it's very common for men and women to have these dis this difficulty with their anger. And it's important to address them when they're not angry, okay? It may be you, you talk with them in a very compassionate way. You know, I worry about you and make it about your concern about them not like all you're like, you know, where I'm sick and tired of you yelling and cussing, and you need to go fix herself. A lot of times people address it like this, and the person is going to be like, I there's nothing wrong with me. Okay? But if you come and you're empathetic, again, like, if we go back to the characteristics
we talked about in conflict resolution, you have to have empathy. So you go and you're like, you know, I'm really I'm concerned about you.
I'm concerned about your health. Every time you get angry, you know, you're releasing all this poison. I don't want you to God forbid, have any kind of like, heart problem, anything like that? What can we do? How can I help you? Okay, if there's anything I'm doing, and you have to put yourself out there, I know that your gut instinct is to say, you know what, you've got a problem, go fix yourself, right? That's the that is what you're feeling. It's his problem. And you feel like you need to, but if you use wisdom, right, that was one of the characteristics I talked about. And you say, you know, I'm really concerned about you what, what can I do I, what can I do so that you
won't, I won't, I won't anger you. And a lot of times when a person is approached like that, they're going to be a lot more receptive, rather than saying, like, I had one client who told her husband, you need to go to therapy, you need to fix yourself. No man is going to run to therapy when his wife says that, right? It's it's about approaching it in a diplomatic way and, and trying to connect with him in that way.
What your advice
Those who constantly bring up their past issues.
Okay, so what is your advice about people who keep bringing up the past? And they're always focusing on the, on other people's mistakes rather than their own?
And they don't admit, that's also very common, you know? And it's really, it's very unfortunate because it has to do with the pride, right. And I just had, I just had a session where, you know, the, the brother had made a grave mistake,
obviously, in the wrong. And when the wife addressed his mistake, instead of, instead of admitting, instead of trying to fix it, he just turn the table around, it's like, made her on the, you know, turned her on the hot seat. And that sometimes happens with, with women as well. So, you know, if the man is very carefully, I see sometimes they're tiptoeing, like when I say, what, what would you like to improve in the relationship, some of the guys are really scared to speak up, because they're like, this is gonna lead to like, one week of fighting, I'm gonna have to deal with so much. And so when they very carefully construct their sentence, and they say it, and the wife says, like, in the
therapy session, turns everything around and says, Well, you know, 10 years ago, you did not let me do so. And so yeah. And I'm just sitting there and say, how does that even relate? I even as I'm like, Okay, how does that relate to the issue of like, let's say, punctuality. I really don't I don't, I don't see the connection, where's the connection? And so people
because they're so uncomfortable with, with admitting that they're wrong, and that also, that's like, that's the pride that, oh, I cannot I can't be wrong. I'm right. So whatever you're saying, that's, that's your issue and your problem? So
I think with individuals like that, I mean, I find that therapy does help a lot. Because they get to hear things from a different perspective, they get to understand, you know, I've had, I've had issues with individuals who are constantly doing that. And then I really helped them to see I go to see a pattern, do you see how every time we're trying to you know, every time I'm trying to help you overcome this issue, you immediately blame your spouse. And so in this way, they're really able to, to, to understand where they're coming from. And, and it depends on the maturity level, right? There's some people who are in it to fix themselves and others, they just won't budge. And I think
one of the hardest thing is when a person does not recognize that they have a problem, right? So if the person just thinks that, you know, I don't have a problem, I don't need to fix myself I don't need to change, then it's really going to be tough, like in the whole
precinct of doing therapy is that the person admits that they have an issue that needs to be resolved. If they can't even admit that then it is very challenging.
Somebody
wrote, I'm following you on five years of marriage program. It is excellent program and seek my second divorce and help me understand myself lots of self development is needed.
I would appreciate if you could give some info about weight loss program. Okay.
All right. Okay, so this sister has been doing the five pillars of marriage, that's my online marriage program, and she's saying that it's saved her from getting a second divorce. So this is, this is such a blessing and hamdulillah thank you for writing in and letting me know because it, definitely it This is the reason why, why we do what we do. Like my husband and I are very committed to helping the Ummah have better marriages, avoid divorce or overcome any problems. And so I'm so glad that at hamdulillah you benefit from this. And definitely self development is a very important part of having a good marriage and that is, you know, pillar one is all about working on yourself
and making yourself a better person so that you can be a better spouse. What was the question about weight loss, weight loss?
Okay, let me focus on the negative self talk. That is, that's something that is really critical, you know, as a cognitive behavioral therapist, when is first things I do is I help people change the way they think.
In order to change their behavior, and it's really critical to become aware of that internal conversation that you have, most people are unaware, they don't even know that they're having no I don't talk to my son are you talking about right? But it's happening all the time. And whatever it is that you're saying to yourself is going to affect the way you feel, it's going to affect your, your achievements, your relationships, so really become in tune with it, and really try to stop any kind of negative self talk, because that negative self talk, you're gonna, you're gonna run yourself down, you're gonna beat yourself up. And you really have to take control of that, I think the I'm
going to pass on the weight loss because I need to go into a lot of description. So is there another question relating to marriage?
How do you tell someone you're wrong? Or you're being offensive?
Okay, how can you tell someone that they're wrong without being offensive? Either? It's, like, what I was saying, as far as you know, with the four steps to conflict resolution, that was number two, is make an observation don't criticize. So you could say that, you know, I noticed that the entire house is kind of in disarray. And were you are you feeling sick? Do you need some help? So you are, you know, making an observation, but you're not saying, Oh, my God, I can't believe you have left such a mess. What is your deal? Like? Why are you so lazy, that you can't get your act together, so, or you, you address it, like, in a form of a compliment, in a sense that, you know, I really, I
really miss how you used to use a call me and take me out, I missed the way that used to dress up for me, you know, so you draw their attention to something that they used to do, rather than saying, Oh, you never wear it, you never take me out. He never said he gave me any gifts, I can't stand that you're so You're so rude, you're so insensitive, because that just becomes an attack, that person is not going to like run out and buy you a gift when they hear that. It's more about like, Oh, you know, I, that time that you got me that special gift, you put that extra time the extra effort, you you know, you really made me feel loved, you really made me feel special, when you really made me
feel special when you gave that extra time and attention to my parents, and you help them with that project that the project that they had at the house. So I wish I would love to see that more, I would love to see that. So again, you're not attacking, you're bringing their attention to something that they used to do. And, and then and you're correcting them at the same time.
Okay, so
in sha Allah that so that I think concludes our, you know, the episodes of Ramadan remedies for your marriage, I really, I want to thank you so much for all your support and for tuning in shall life, this has been beneficial. Share it, like it, pass it on, let more people benefit. You know, I think that a lot of people are suffering in their marriages. And you may never know, I remember a friend of mine, who and I had recently come to Dallas, she had a gathering at her house, a secretary, please come and talk about marriage. And when I disclose, I had some people reach out to me for doing therapy. And, and she had this feeling like, you know, what, I don't know, who might be
suffering in their marriage. So I want to just provide this outlet. And, you know, I found out a lot about individuals that you would have never guessed that they're having these kinds of issues. They came and they you know, they got the help that they needed in therapy. So I think you need to, to share the information with people so that they can benefit that they can have have a better relationship. And I just want to encourage you to sign up for those free videos, those are there, four of them. You know, like I said, we put a lot of time and effort into making it informative, captivating, and that's something also if you can share with your friends with your family members,
you know, a lot of times, your friends may come to you and they have marital problems. You know, I'm sure everyone has a friend that has come to them and say, you know, like, my spouse is driving me crazy, right? And you, you know, as as a layman, you're thinking what can I do? I don't know how to advise them. So you may not have the answer, but you can direct them to, you know, to this resource. Tell them I have my website Hala banani.com where they can do Skype therapy sessions.
And you can you can also have them read some of some articles I've written about marriage on Muslim matters. And also these free webinars, you know, say that, why don't you sign up for for this program, and you can watch the videos and see what you can what you can benefit from because I think, you know, when we have when we're like kind of the paramedics, right sometimes as a friend, sometimes a neighbor, they you know, people will come to us and with a broken marriage, and you really don't know what to do. So if you just direct them in the right, you get them to get the right resources, right. And that way they are, they benefit and you can really provide them the help that
they need. Because sometimes when people are giving advice, you find that they're there, they're stuck themselves, they're having problems in their own marriages. Like I don't know what to do. That's one of the most common things when I meet someone at a at a dinner party. They're like, I have a friend who has this like marital problem could you give me some advice on that? So for all of you who have that situation, you can you know, you can direct them to something that will inshallah be very beneficial so just like Allah Hayden, thank you was there's
like a lot Hara and inshallah that the last few days of Ramadan will be blessing please keep me in your DAW and pray that this is Yeah, this is my husband, he is behind the scenes, but he you know, I couldn't do any of this.
I couldn't really I couldn't do any of this without my husband option Majeed, Mashallah, he is the mastermind behind all the things that we're putting out the five pillars of marriage and hamdulillah I could not have done you know, without without my husband such as eye color hair, and keep him in your dog as well. All right, just like Salaam Alaikum