Haleh Banani – Keys To Improve Your Marriage – 09 – Relationship

			What are the rules of a relationship, each of us are raised in different household and each
household has unspoken or unwritten set of rules about communication, about the way we express
ourselves about the way we show respect. And this, these experiences define us they define who we
are, what our expectations are, and how we express ourselves. So it's very important to sit with
your spouse or your future spouse and discuss these rules of your relationship. For instance, as far
as the rule of relationship regarding respect, what how do you express respect in your household?
What is it, because there's some people, the form of respect is to keep your voice down, not to make
		

			eye contact, and stay quiet. This is respect. In another household respect is speaking up spirit
expressing yourself so that you know, you show that you care about the other person. Now imagine
these two individuals coming from two different household with two different sets of rules, they
come together, guess what, they're always going to feel frustrated, because they are disrespected.
And each one feels that they are following the rules. They're following the rule that they have been
taught, and they feel that they are doing their utmost. And they don't understand when when their
spouse tells them, you're being disrespectful, they don't get it. They're like, I'm being very
		

			respectful. And so that's why you need to sit down and have a have a dialogue about this. How do you
like to be shown respect, because this is, this is the key here, because you always hear like
anytime I have couples therapy, that is one of the main complaints of men is that my wife doesn't
respect me.
		

			And I never stopped there. I never just turned to the wife and say, Show more respect. I asked them,
How will you feel respected? Please define in behavioral terms, what your wife needs to do in order
for you to feel respected, so that that way it's specified. And he will start saying, well, the way
I'll feel respected if he, you know, she doesn't yell. And the way I feel is respected is that, you
know, she listens to my suggestions, she follows my suggestions, or she has my meal prepared, or she
takes interest in the work that I do. So these are specific things that the wife and the wife
usually doesn't have a clue. You know, a lot of times, you know, I tell them well, how, how does
		

			your husband like to receive their spend, sometimes they don't know, others, you know, and it just
all depends about how in tune they are to their spouse, son know, step by step, I know, if I do
these things, my spouse will be so happy. And then sometimes they choose not to do it. Because they
just want to get even, or they're doing some kind of manipulative game with their spouse. So it's
critical to know how your spouse likes to be treated. And it's important not to use that as a way,
it's not a bargaining chip, you do it, you do it because this is like FISA below law, you're in this
marriage, and you want a less blessing and you do it out of the you know, to seek a less pleasure.
		

			And if you have that intention, just like when you have the intention of you know, doing a charity,
if it's done with the right intention that you want to do him and you want to please Allah, then
look at the body cut that you get, look at the amount of spiritual cleansing that you get from this
act. If you do it just to show off, it's worthless, right. So in the same way, if you are giving to
the marriage, and you're doing it for the sake of Allah, then Allah will put butter cat in your
marriage there, we'll put it we'll put a law we'll put love in the heart of your spouse. But if
you're only doing it, if you are just to manipulate your spouse to know how I can get more out of
		

			them, then there is not going to be that sense of blessing in your marriage. So the key thing to
keep in mind is to love for the sake of Allah. Do your best to do things for the sake of Allah, even
within your marriage, and find out what the rules of relationships are for your spouse, the showing
of respect, expressing are they comfortable with you expressing yourself are they how they want the
love to be expressed? And if you don't know these things, then you could you could really ruin your
marriage. But once you know it, it's just it's magical. And I've seen people on the
		

			brink of a divorce. I mean people who have gotten into actual physical fights, and when you start
redefining what you know what it is that they need to do redefining what respect is for the spouse
what love is, and suddenly they become friends again and suddenly they're able to overlook all the
negative things that that is still present that hasn't gone away, but they're able to overlook it
because they're getting what they need and the relationship