Haleh Banani – Keys To Improve Your Marriage – 05 – Pitfalls of Marriage

			How can newlyweds avoid the pitfall of marriage? So we've seen a lot of people be married and get
divorced. And so sometimes newlyweds are really concerned and really afraid. It's like, what do I
need to know? What can How can I avoid it. So this is what I'm going to address is about avoiding
the pitfalls of marriage. And one of the pitfalls is living separate lives kind of living as
roommates. And a lot of people fall into this. And what happens is that people start doing their own
things, they have their own schedule, they get up at different times, they eat at different times,
and, and they don't even they don't spend any time together. So in order to avoid being a roommate
		

			to your spouse, try to coincide your schedule where you're waking up and sleeping at the same time.
This really is a great way to bond because if one goes to bed, and the other one is staying up till
two, three o'clock in the morning, there's a disconnect. Where does the cuddling come in? Where does
the time together, and it does create suspicion in the spouse that is wondering, you know, what are
they doing until three o'clock in the morning. So when you end the day, by spending quality time
together, and then you find a good time, and sometimes you have to compromise because you have those
early birds, and you have those night owls, so you have to kind of compromise I had one couple who
		

			had this issue. And one of the things I suggested is for them to sleep, let's say if it comes to
sleeping by midnight, rather than staying up till two, because the man had to go to work and it
wasn't reasonable to stay up that late. And that's what they did, they started sleeping at midnight.
And they had that time together. And they were able to, to kind of coincide there, they were able to
work the schedule together. And it's so critical to eat together. I mean, at least one meal a day,
if you're not able to do all three, make sure you have that one meal a day together, you pray
together, you do activities that you enjoy, because this is the way to avoid being the roommates.
		

			Because one of the main complaints that I have from couples being married sometimes from seven to 10
years, is that they're like, you know, I just I feel no connection, we're just sharing quarters,
we're just we're living in the same space. But there's no interaction. We don't share, we don't feel
we don't do anything together. So this is really important. Try to get your schedule in sync with
one another. Go to bed and wake up at the same time, eat a meal together to activities that will
bond you so that you feel like you're sharing a life together, not just sharing space. Another
pitfall that newlyweds can avoid is being at war with one another. A lot of times couples who come
		

			in to see me, they describe their marriage as a war as a battleground. And so what I tell them is,
you know, put down your weapons, stop criticizing stop using sarcasm, I had one couple that were
they were married for 10 years. And they complain that all they did was cut each other down. And
they were fighting these past 10 years. And even in the therapy session, I saw how they they just
enjoyed cutting each other down. And one of the rules I gave them as you know, no more sarcasm, no
more criticism. And just that one thing just transformed their marriage. When they stopped feeling
like they're going to be attacked, they started being vulnerable with each other. And they reported
		

			to me that after 10 years of being at war with one another day finally learn how to have a
friendship. So it's really important not to feel like your spouse is out to get you don't be harsh
with your criticism. I mean, no one is perfect. You're not perfect. So obviously if there is
something that is bothering you, you need to address it, it's not good to suppress there's not that
mentality of okay just suppress, suppress, suppress, and in one day, you're going to just explode if
you do that, but it's important to go about, about doing it in a diplomatic kind way. One of the
most important things in in criticizing a person first of all, sandwich between kindness, you know,
		

			say, say the policy the positive so that person can recognize that. You do see that the whole
picture and you're not just pinpointing their negativities. So sandwiched between two kind things,
you could say, you know, you're you're a really hard working person. But you know, I'm just I'm not
getting enough of you. I'm not being able to
		

			Spend time with you, I'd like to see you more because you have so much to give. So see how that
just, you know, you sandwich it, and it's a lot less harsh than saying, you know, you just you never
spend any time with me and I'm really sick of it, that could be a real big attack. So when you get
the criticism and you sandwich it between the compliments, it's a lot less harsh. And another way
		

			that another important thing to keep in mind is timing. Look at when you are showing this criticism,
you know, the timing needs to be right, if the person is exhausted, if they are hungry, if they are
under stress, if there's something going on in their life that is, is a crisis, this is not a time
to be nitpicky, this is not the time to criticize. So we really have to be sensitive about the
timing. And if we want the person to be receptive, right, if we want to just get something off our
chest, well, we don't care, I don't care what state they're in, I'm just going to let them have it.
Well, that is not going to be well received. So if you make sure that it's good timing, you use
		

			kindness, you sandwich the complaint, and you make sure that you are showing appreciation for the
things that they are doing. And that way, they will feel like okay, I'm dealing with a fair person,
they're seeing the whole picture and they're not just out to get me this, this will have a really
good effect in building your relationship and to avoid the two common pitfalls. And that was one is
to avoid living as roommates avoid having like a whole separate schedule. Some people go as far as
like living in different states or different live different countries, and that really damages the
relationship. So make sure you avoid living as roommates by doing things together, eating together,
		

			sleeping at the same time getting up together. And another pitfall to avoid is being at war with one
another. Put down your weapons, stop criticizing and you know, build this friendship. And this is
what I would advise to newlyweds because I know that it's very overwhelming to be in a new
relationship and be aware of these two things to guard your marriage, inshallah.