Haleh Banani – Keys To Improve Your Marriage – 04 – Infidelity

			Another common problem that Muslims face in their marriage is infidelity. There's been such a rise
such an alarming rise in infidelity amongst Muslims. And I can't tell you how many clients have come
in, whether I was in today, or Egypt, or here in America, and I do Skype therapy. So I've talked to
people from all over the world, and the number of people who come to me, and they tell me that they
caught their spouse cheating. And unfortunately, it is both the men and the woman. And these are
practicing Muslims, individuals who know better, who are practicing who have hit jobs, and they are
married, and they're pursuing other married men. And this is really a shame. And this is one of the
		

			things that we need to address. And I believe that the key to addressing this is improving the
marriages, if Muslims are having better relationships in their home life, if they have that
connection, if they have that feeling of being appreciated and loved, then these forms of infidelity
will decrease in Sharla. With the advent of technology, it has made the herranz so easy and so
accessible. When a person is just one click away, when the pictures are just one click away, it
takes a lot more self control, a lot more discipline to stick with the Hadoop of Allah. And even
when men and women are interacting, it's a lot easier for people to put down their guards when it's
		

			just a simple message rather than facing someone face to face. And this is something that we need to
be aware of. I've had so many brothers call in and tell me how Yes, they love their, their spouse,
and they love their children, but they happen to get involved with with someone online. And you
know, what usually happens is a damsel in distress. This is the tactic that a lot of these, these
people are using this, I have been wronged and I have been mistreated, and you need to help me and
you're my hero. And this really affects the male ego. And it could be about giving them compliments
and making them feel so appreciated. I had one sister who actually she was she was not married. And
		

			the way she would get her kicks was to make men fall in love with her. And she would say that I
specifically I say things that I would never say to my own spouse. So it's really like a lot of just
made up. It's a very fake relationship based on just giving compliments to one another and it breaks
down the home. So many sisters who come to my come to my office, and they talk about the fact that
they found messages their husband was engaged with, with someone at work or, or someone online, or
they are having an affair, they catch them in the act. And unfortunately, the sisters are getting
involved with this too. I've had sisters, these are married mahad Java sisters, with kids who pursue
		

			other men. And what is really, really dangerous here is that people are justifying their behavior.
		

			And the new mentality is that if I am not fulfilled, then I'm going to find it elsewhere. And they
feel that they are somehow justify, if their husband is not giving them attention, then they look
for it elsewhere. Maybe at the workplace, maybe at the bakery maybe at at the school with another
like a father at the school. And this is happening across the globe. And it is really sad. It is
really sad and disheartening to to see so many practicing individuals I understand if someone
doesn't know any better, I understand if someone is away from the dean, but these are individuals
who sometimes give lectures who are very involved with the community and with the dean and seeking
		

			knowledge. This is not people who are jarhead. And they are somehow finding a way to justify and I
think that really what we need to do is make sure that we are putting forth our effort into our
marriage. Now that time that you spent outside, whether it's flirting with the secretary or it could
be flirting with the salesman or whoever it is, why don't you use that energy to devote to your
spouse, because it's all about giving attention to the person that you love. And the feelings may
have died. You may have concerns there might be things you're frustrated, work through them, because
it is not a solution to just go after someone else to break up a home. If people actually do this. I
		

			mean people that I know have actually personally
		

			sued, married men and broken up the family broken up a long marriage, maybe they have been married
for 1015 years. And they break it up. Why? Because of their own selfish desires. And we really have
to be sensitive about this. Because once you break a family unit, this creates so many problems, so
many issues come up from this. So
		

			I think that it's really critical that we give our spouse the attention, the love, the appreciation
that they need, because if they don't get it, then it is very easy for them to look elsewhere. And
never punish your spouse, by not giving them that attention. Never punish your spouse by not getting
intimate with them, because there is somebody out there who is willing to, to take your place, and
who's willing to do that. And I think that this is a this is a topic that that I'm emotional about,
because I have seen too many families be affected. And I think it's really important to realize that
no one is immune to this. I don't care how much you have knowledge, I don't care how long the beard
		

			is, how how active you are, how knowledgeable how much we're on you have, it doesn't matter what you
know. But if you find yourself in a circumstance where you are not abiding by the boundaries, the
who do the law, there will be transgression, because I have seen it with clients who knew better.
And I would warn them, I would say, you know, you need to keep the who do this chatting, and
flirting and giving compliments. Once you are together, you know, there is going to be it's not
going to be pretty it's going to be a disaster will happen. And it's like putting, you know, fire
and paper together and saying don't burn don't burn, burn, burn. It's not gonna work, you just have
		

			to avoid it. So the avoidance, and that's by keeping the Hadoop. And once I had all these clients
who were having infidelity, I started doing research on the topic trying to understand what is it
and how can we avoid it. And I actually came across a non Muslim psychologist who gave a long list
of things
		

			to be aware of in order to avoid infidelity. And I was so amazed as I read this, one by one It
sounded. So Islamic one, one of the first thing it said, do not have friendship with the opposite
* that you know that if you create this bond, and how how do most relationships occur? It is
through a friendship it's through exchange and compliments a wink and a smile and it starts off
really small, and then it escalates. And this is why a lot of men, they will call me and they're on
the phone crying, saying that I just I'm addicted to this relationship, and I don't know how to
stop. And so the best thing is to catch it and not to even get into it. So if you protect yourself,
		

			then you're less likely to fall into the ditch. Another thing that was mentioned is do not spend
excessive amount of time with with the opposite * where you're on a regular basis, you're meeting
up during lunch break, or you're seeing each other at the coffee or having coffee together. And one
more thing that he mentioned was not to complain about your spouse or your about your children to
the opposite *. Now a lot of times people think, oh, there's nothing wrong, I'm only talking about
my spouse and my kids the whole time. But in reality, this is creating an emotional bond. And this
creates emotional infidelity, which is just as bad, especially for women, because this is what they
		

			need more than anything else that this is more important to them than the physical intimacy. So if
they're sharing with another man, their emotions, their feelings and what I want and what I desire,
then this is as important to them as physical intimacy is to men. And so we need to be, you know,
guard our marriages, from infidelity, who shower your spouse with the love and attention that they
deserve. So that you make sure that you don't create a reason for them to step outside and
transgress and really guard yourself because anyone that comes into your life is a test. If you're
attracted to them, if you find them beautiful or handsome or charming, or intelligent, whatever it
		

			is, whatever it is that appeals to you, maybe you that it appeals to you that they're so religious
or they're so active. But all of this is a test and your test is to be able to
		

			to be loyal to your spouse without transgression. And if you keep your hoodoo, if you keep your
boundaries then
		

			There will never be a transgression. So I pray that we can all work on our relationships in order to
protect that from any form of infidelity, infidelity.