Haleh Banani – Intimacy Matters – 5 of 5

			I am going to bring Subbu back into this discussion. And several what would you say is, how would
you say that the lack of satisfaction during intimacy
		

			may affect women based on our discussions?
		

			And I'm glad that you asked me this question. Because, as we have discussed that a lot of Muslims
believe that women should be able to suppress their sexual desires, if they even, you know,
acknowledge any sexual desires among woman.
		

			Again, you know, because they are the emotional beings, they're not the sexual beings, quote,
unquote, obviously, you know, I'm
		

			just just quoting what people say. So even if they aren't intimately satisfied, they should still
survive as long as the husband is a good man, and he provides for her and you know, he's a good
father. This is a general expectation from good Muslim sisters. Now,
		

			those of you who are familiar with my articles must have noticed that for almost two years now, my
my writings have taken a shift, I'm pretty much refuting this generalization because I've been
exposed to so much, you know, to so many of those sisters who are suffering because of lack of
physical satisfaction in the marriage, that I, and it was so overwhelming, that I had to take a step
back and think that if Allah has made me see this side of my suffering sisters, then there must be a
reason, you know, I'm put in this situation, there must be something expected from me that that I, I
have to see their pain, that you know, maybe I have to help spread awareness about them. So they
		

			could be a solution in sha Allah. And initiation that Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Muslim matters,
you know, I love I love Muslim matters, because it has always given us a platform to express
ourselves and a humble light. The initiation by Mmm, took place last year with the * martial law
series. And he saw, yes, holidays, you know, Heenan Jazakallah hair so much, you know, for all this
with reading this discussion, these kind of articles for us. And we saw how many comments we
received from sisters who were not physically satisfied, which was causing an emotional emptiness in
them. So it was not the other way around that because of emotional dissatisfaction. They couldn't
		

			enjoy intimacy, rather, it was just the opposite, because they were not physically satisfied. They
were suffering through emotional emptiness. So in any case, as I was saying that I have been
approached by many sisters who are married, they have no reason not to be happy, because they have a
good life, a good husband, and but the husbands don't understand their physical desires and needs.
And they have become so desperate that they come to me so I can remind them of the consequences of
falling into a sin. They don't want to rip because they they know that their husbands would never
agree. They have tried talking to their husbands to no avail. And apparently, their lives seem you
		

			know, apparently very nice and comfortable. But only when they get close enough to open up, you
know, that they want to ask for spiritual reminders and spiritual guidance that, you know, they need
to stay away from falling into any sin. However, there has to be a psychological aspect to this as
well. Absolutely, actually, the cases that affect me the most are the ones that outwardly religious
people coming in for therapy. And it is because of infidelity. And I've had several cases of
actually married woman who were more hacha, who had the educational background, they were not
		

			they were not the non practicing or non knowledgeable sisters, these were people who actually, they
knew better. And because they were, they had like this lack of physical satisfaction in their
marriage, they did go astray. And and this really hurts me so much, because I feel that if someone
is is knowledgeable and is practicing, yet they go astray. First of all, no one is immune to it. And
I think this is the lesson that I get time and time again, when I'm working with these individuals
that it doesn't matter whether you're a chef, whether you're a student of knowledge, whether you
were all your life and you know Saudi Arabia and you have all this, you know, background, every
		

			single person is so susceptible to falling into errors if we don't follow the hoothoot of Allah. And
this is the thing that I really walk away with when I see cases like this, and just knowing that we
just have as long as we respect this, you know with this, this hoothoot then you will not fall into
the error. And you find that this generation is completely
		

			Different, it's not like that our parents generation were the husbands and wives, they will stay in
a relationship, and they will just remain miserable. There is actually this feeling of entitlement
amongst this generation, they feel like I deserve to be happy. And if I don't have what I need, then
I'm going to get it somewhere and they justify this to themselves. And, and you know, I've had so
many men who have experienced infidelity. And even though you know, some Doc, they love their wives,
I have people who have become addicted to relationships online. And you just find that they justify
it, they think that they have a right to whether it's the emotional connection or the physical
		

			satisfaction, and they don't have the same mindset. So we need to be really aware of guarding
ourselves brothers Be really careful. I think most of this happens in the workplace when you're
interacting with someone day in and day out. Or sometimes it's online creating friendships, sisters
fall into this a lot creating these friendships and and it always starts off so innocently, and and
then it escalates. And once it escalates, it does become an addiction. And it is very hard to break
that. Okay, don't have a lot. And just a reminder, we're not condoning this behavior. But this is
the reality show. Shaytan is everywhere, it's around us. And it can affect anybody. So never let
		

			yourself get to that point where you think that you're too, you're ahead of, you know, Hey, shut
down is not whispering down your, in your ear?
		

			Can you please continue on and give us a little bit more about how physical satisfaction can either
make or break a marriage? And I'm getting questions from sisters and the to the live audience, I
would do want to say that we are getting questions, some of these questions we will answer in our
maybe our we will give it to our counselor so they can answer in the what's the matter column, maybe
we might have specific articles written to about these questions, especially about women's whose
desires are not so strong, but it is obligated to fulfill the husband when she's not interested.
Another question is, what if the husband wife does not have an urge to have *, the love is
		

			there, but she doesn't. She just can't satisfy his needs. So these are all specific questions that
are specific. And I think that we will address them probably in an article or maybe through our
counselors in sha Allah. So right now we'd like Holly to talk a little bit about physical
satisfaction and how it can make or break a marriage.
		

			Well, there are, there are cases where I've seen individuals like female that they basically have
everything they they have to lecture his life, and they have it all. And yet, because they lack this
intimate satisfaction, they're willing to give it all up. And it might be shocking to some people,
because they may feel that this is not such a big need for a woman. But what we're saying here today
is that it is and it does affect them psychologically and emotionally. And they will take they will
take action towards this. And there are those individuals who have the opposite reaction where they
may be in a relationship that is not that good. They're not even they're not even happy with it. But
		

			because they have that, that physical fulfillment, they stay with it and they tolerate so much. So
these are the two extremes. And then we all know that having this this fulfillment, it does it does
break or make or break the marriage.
		

			Oh, well, I am going to go back and there's several questions just so for the audience to know that
we are reading their questions and we are answering them and maybe
		

			one or two points could be discussed in a short point. And hopefully we will continue this
discussion on another Google Hangouts. One question was, I'm in an early 40s and never married. And
basically the sisters are the brothers asking that how, how can I have my physical desires be
satisfied? I can't find a husband. I do wish to have an intimate relationship and I before I
menopausal What are my options, please don't suggest to find a husband on Muslim matrimonial sites.
You've never been in that type of site that you don't know how creepy they are. So this is also a
very specific question inshallah. We will we will have one of our counselors addressed this. I'm
		

			happily married. I have a great husband. I'm I feel emotionally satisfied with him. I come from one
of those cultures you mentioned and I did have a problem with intimacy in the beginning. But it's
been two years and I can't see I've really reached climax. I don't know. I don't think it's a big
weakness in my marriage. I mean, I still find myself wanting to intake engage in intimacy or to
satisfied him. I find in satisfactory satisfaction in just a small acts of intimacy. Do you think
someone in such a situation should still focus on trying to achieve that climax
		

			This is this is a good question that I would like
		

			you to approach
		

			to answer sorry.
		

			Maybe, Holly, I think because it ties in really well, with your next point about how essential good
intimacy is for a successful marriage. I know I have been taught that good intimacy is a taste of
gender on this art. And it changed my perceptions. So what what about for dystonia? How, why is good
intimacy essential for a successful marriage? It's such a long list, and I'm just going to mention a
few. You know, there's a lot there's biological benefits, there is a psychological benefits. First
of all, it's a way of like a stress relief, when you've had, you know, when you've had a long day,
when you've had all the stresses of the day, when you unite with your spouse, and you're able to
		

			have this connection, what it does is that all these good, feel good hormones, oxytocin is released.
And, and so it is a form of stress relief. Another thing that's really important about it is just
feeling that the intimacy and the emotional closeness because no other person in this world will be
as close to you, physically and emotionally than your spouse. And it is about feeling connected and
feeling happy, when when you have this exchange, when you have a healthy relationship, and you take
part in this, this is a way of experiencing something really special, and, and enjoying it. And it's
also it's also a validation, you know, we all need to feel validated, we all want to feel attractive
		

			and desirable. And so when you have this, this fulfilling, physical intimacy, it makes you feel
appealing, and it makes you feel desired. So it is that, that no one and I'm sure all the sisters
can agree to this is that no one has the power to make you feel as beautiful and worthwhile as your
husband. So when you hear you could hear compliments all day, but when it's from your husband, or
his from your wife, it has such a such a special implication. And it's about having this, you know,
just the interconnectedness, this being interdependent on one another and a very important aspect is
basically it protects you from all of the hard on relationship, because you know, the the marriage
		

			completes half your religion. And why is that is because there's so much fitness so many tests and
trials. And if we are able to have this fulfilling marriage physically happy fulfilled, then we are
we're not going to be as tempted. And when you have that fulfillment, you feel secure in your
marriage. If you are not having this intimacy, there's always you know, your mind wanders and you
wonder it How strong is your marriage, and this is a really wonderful way to feel secure and happy
by having this fulfilling physical intimacy.
		

			And, Holly, I have a quick question. The two three questions have come in on this and you can
address this now or you can address this in a further Google Hangout or you can address this in an
article I leave that choice up to you. Some of the sisters and some of the brothers as well are
saying some of the wives will say that I have a low urge is and I have no desire or have low desires
or my husband does not have the desire and how and since we've just talked about how important this
is. Could you talk a little bit about how to get in the mood if you're not in the mood?
		

			Absolutely, I think part of it is is having this connectedness having a friendship with your spouse,
I think if you if someone is constantly let's say upset or they're not even spending time together
what happens is that people they get married and they have kids and they don't even make eye contact
anymore. So it's about having those quality time make sure you're spending quality time with your
spouse. And and this is kind of a side note but it is your diet has a lot to do with it what you're
eating if you if you stay away from certain things that you know it actually makes your libido it
lowers the libido maybe this is something like you said as a article I could discuss this but I have
		

			seen personally the the effect of eating healthy and avoiding certain foods to increase the libido
		

			Mashallah, you know, it's kind of like this all makes you realize the creator of the world are
loving, I will do this so generous and so just you know, he has made the perfect relationship for
the dunya and the hora. How as we start to wrap up this Hangout.
		

			I would like suggestions from Subbu from you on how women can enjoy intimacy.
		

			I'm sure there are many ways. But since we don't have time to go into the details, unfortunately, we
are running over time, almost an hour 35 minutes. So inshallah we will cover these tips in a future
article on Muslim matters. I'm already done writing an article, in fact, you know, just needs to be
edited and posted.
		

			But real quick, I want to leave my sisters with a very sincere advice. Sisters, those of you who are
struggling with your cultural beliefs, firstly, I'm going to address them. Just keep in mind that
when your husband approaches you or he desires you then be happy and feel wanted because he's
desiring you. He's not looking anywhere else. He's not interested in anybody else. Rather, he's with
you, he's attracted to you. So feel one to be proud of your marriage, that the spark is still
present and you have your husband's attention, let's not perceive it as a duty that see it as a way
of mutual pleasure and a way of physically connecting and bonding with your spouse. How do you
		

			suggest they do this?
		

			Okay, this advice, basically, again, we because we are tackling with a group of different you know,
different type of sisters, this advice is for those woman who are in normal relationship and not
suffering through some serious issues in their marriage. So they need to learn to separate their
regular marital issues from intimacy, every couple has issue I mean, and that's nothing abnormal. So
those issues can be put on hold. And just like a wife continues to eat or sleep or carry on with her
activities of her life, even though she had a disagreement with her husband few hours ago.
Similarly, she can carry on with her intimate life because you know, mentally those disagreements
		

			get resolved for camera in again in a normal happy relationship. So only if she starts looking at it
as a
		

			if she starts looking at the intimacy as hard right to and, you know, as a way of her stress
release, as a highly mentioned that, you know, take it as a stress release. And you know, she
pointed out some really beneficial point points about how to enjoy her, for a woman to enjoy her
intimacy.
		

			So just shift the way a wife perceives intimacy, learn to compartmentalize issues in the mind. Don't
let anyone tell you that women are not capable of compartmentalizing in her mind, believe in
yourself. Yes, you can do it. Remember that the biggest * organ in a woman's body is her mind.
Learn to use it in a happy marriage the quality. Also, it's a you know, as a sight point, I just
want to mention real quick that it happy marriage, the quality can be compromised once in a while
for the you know, this is again to the sisters, especially when majority of the time intimate life
is satisfying for a wife. Occasionally sisters should be ready to offer their husbands
		

			and to offer themselves to the husbands without necessarily expecting reciprocation because
sometimes men are just in dire need. And again, I want to emphasize this is the case when majority
of the time intimate life is satisfying for a wife.
		

			Okay, and what about sisters with a higher, higher drive?
		

			You mean those sisters who are applying these techniques, but their husbands are the ones who are
not aware of their physical needs? Or just the category you're asking? Yeah, I'm asking you about
the sisters who have a higher drive them their husbands because we did get a question like that.
Okay, okay, so
		

			the sisters who have higher sexual drive than their husbands or the sisters who have a drive and
they are not being satisfied by their husband as the comment you mentioned earlier, for all those
suffering sisters of mine
		

			who have husbands that failed to understand your sexual desires and needs.
		

			I really hope and pray that those husbands listened to this talk. And they own up to the
responsibility of satisfying their wives. And I really hope that they realize that just like their
wives are a garment to them, keeping them from being exposed to since they two are the same garment
to their wives. So please brothers, listen to your wives, recognize their sexual needs, and
understand their struggles.
		

			For the sisters, you know, know that it is better for you to please a law than the family or the
community or the family.
		

			affectations or the so called family honor.
		

			I also have a message for our community leaders and Imams, that while there is so much said about
fulfilling husbands rights of physical intimacy, please educate the brothers about the importance of
satisfying the wives in bed to
		

			Holly and as we are getting ready to end this, could you speak a little bit about how it could
impact the marriage?
		

			Well, definitely your physical satisfaction and marriage, it has a huge impact on your marriage, I
want everyone to really take this information inshallah, and apply it in your life. If you
		

			see that you have some limiting beliefs, work on yourself, get help overcome these limiting beliefs.
And really try to try to make this aspect of your relationship better, don't just ignore it, it's
not going to go away, it's not going to go it's not going to get better if you don't address it. And
we're really hoping our intention of doing this was you know, to create awareness, and we are hoping
that this discussion will inshallah open up the dialogue between husbands and wives, and between
parents and their teenagers. So that you know, once and for all we can, we can communicate about
this really critical aspect of our lives and support each other to having a more fulfilling marriage
		

			inshallah.
		

			We realized that this is a very broad topic, and not every subject or situation can be addressed.
And since this was the first time the subject was tackled by the sisters on Muslim matters, some and
this was the first time the subject was tackled. Some of these topics are addressed in some of our
previous series. Please read them on Muslim matters, the Muslim vignettes on sexuality. We will
discuss some of these other points, perhaps in future Hangouts. It is an honor to as a final ending
note, I would like to say that it is incumbent upon husbands to find out where their wives are on
this range of spectrum that we have talked about today, what she likes, and what she dislikes in the
		

			same manner. The wives also explore their, with their husbands and let them talk to them about what
they like and what they dislike. There's an abundant amount of misconceptions and tropes out there,
learn from one another, don't judge one another, help each other out to get to gender. I mean, we're
on this path together to gender. Another thing that just signing off, I'd like to say get fit
sisters bond outside the bedroom, become your husband's friends, so you can carry that fervor inside
the bedroom too. And remember, you sisters, especially initiate sometimes Remember, you're not just
a taker, you're a giver, as well. And find things to do in your life that make you happy. I feel
		

			like a lot of times sisters we have a lot of them have one or two kids, it's all about the kids and
the dishes and things like that, lets you know find happiness somewhere you You didn't die, just do
you know, your personality didn't end because you got married and have children or you know, or
you're working and it's tiring. Find something that makes you happy. Because when you're happy and
you give your pledge he had pleasure then you will find your happiness is not dependent on your
husband. So it's a balanced relationship you're not expecting him to make you happy all the time.
And you're, you know your happiness is coming from yourself and then you can share your happiness
		

			with him. So this really helps with the low urges that a lot of the sisters are asking about in the
questions. Male Jazakallah here to the audience for joining us and to Subbu and Holly for their time
and their work
		

			because I care for Muslim matters to providing us this platform and always assisting us you know in
expressing the female perspective on on different issues. Definitely thank you and it's been lovely
talking and working with you. We've spent many hours together the past
		

			it's been all worth it. I know we're all a bit hesitant it is a controversial issue, but inshallah
that everyone knows our Nia and it will be beneficial. So just like Allah
		

			May Allah bless all of us with loving, passionate and fulfilling intimate lives.
		

			I'm ending this now. Salaam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh