Haleh Banani – Intimacy Matters – 2 of 5

			Let's first talk about women's specifically. Why do women not want to engage intimately with their
husbands? For example, I recently met a married woman who could not believe that her Muslim husband
would want to endulge indulgence something. So dirty quote unquote.
		

			There are many reasons for this which Southern holiday will address. The most common concerns are
erroneous cultural beliefs on satisfactory intimate experiences, specifically, the lack of climax
and women due to the misunderstanding on the husband's part, that his wife is not supposed to reach
climax for years, women's complained about lack of foreplay, and media books, creating an
unrealistic portrayal of intimacy and raising expectations from natural to meet up. So Subbu Would
you like to start off by addressing how culture affects how women think?
		

			Yes, thank you, you know,
		

			as Islam expanded to other lands, Muslims were introduced to different cultural and different
cultures and different cultural beliefs. Unfortunately, over the time, we adopted many incorrect
concepts and these fallacious concepts tained almost every aspect of Islam, so much so that it
didn't leave, it didn't even leave our leader alone. So in that case, try to understand that when
almost every aspect of Islam was being tainted with cultural beliefs, how can intimacy be left
unstained
		

			and regrettably, many faulty beliefs were adopted about female sexuality as well.
		

			To better understand, let's divide up this erroneous cultural beliefs into parts. Okay, so we have
cultural beliefs from places from from that say, Eastern places like South Asia and Middle East, and
then we have cultural beliefs from the European content.
		

			Let's discuss the eastern cultural beliefs first. People coming from these regions don't even talk
about physical intimacy. It's a big taboo. It's a hush hush nobody wants to do or indulge in this
discussion. But if occasionally there is any mention, the girls always get to hear statements like
* is bad, * is dirty. Good girls don't even have sexual thoughts before marriage. So much so
that parents or elders of the family won't hesitate from scaring off the young girls from intimacy.
		

			Why do you think families do this?
		

			Oh, in order to discourage daughters from getting sexually aroused or falling into a premarital
premarital relationship with boys, mothers and the elderly woman in the family raised daughters with
wrong concepts, compromising young girls sensuality, making them feel dirty about it, putting the
egg down, so much so that girls become disgusted of intimacy, and even scaring them off from
physical intimacy without realizing the serious repercussions of such statements. And this is
usually done because in those cultures, not in an Islamic culture, but in those cultures, family
honor depends on how a woman of the family behave. And this is primarily adopted, I believe, by
		

			Hindus and from the non Muslim. Arab believes or, you know, to some extent, it's even traces back to
the pre Islamic beliefs.
		

			Now, what happens is that at that tender age, when ideas and concepts are being developed in young
minds, these statements from a mother, and especially from a mother can have everlasting damaging
effects on a girl, which we see in a lot of Muslim marriages.
		

			Well, definitely, Holly, we hear of lots of young brides being traumatized because of their lack of
knowledge about their own bodies and sexuality. How have you seen the damaging effects of these
beliefs in your practice? And specifically, I would really like you to touch a touch on how are
these teachings wrong psychologically. I have come across so many women who have had marital
problems related to this physical intimacy, their their self esteem is negatively affected, and some
women are filled with either guilt and shame, or they're feeling fearful and inhibited. I actually
had a couple come in for for therapy for the husband's infidelity. When I sat the off course the
		

			woman was very devastated. She wanted to get to the bottom of this and when I spoke to the husband
		

			He shared with me that his wife after having physical intimacy would cry out of shame. She was so
traumatized, but what her parents had told her that she would cry out of shame. And he just simply
couldn't understand this. And this actually drove him away from her and into the arms of another
woman. So many women
		

			had to have parents that scared them about being attacked about being physical. And now they're
incapable, or they're not able to enjoy this beautiful act with their spouse. And there are some,
there are some who have a very negative association to being physically intimate, they feel
stressed, they feel anxiety. So the only way that they know how to cope is to purposely think about
other things during the act. So one woman I worked with actually discussed random topics during the
act as a way to distract herself. So she's feeling this guilt, anxiety, she's feeling so shameful
that she's purposely thinking about other things. And they don't want to feel the shame. So they are
		

			not mentally present, and they are unresponsive. And I really feel for these sisters, they it's
really hard when you have been this misinformed about physical intimacy.
		

			So we really need to get to the bottom of this, what can women do practically, to change and reframe
themselves, if they are raised with these beliefs? Well, first of all, we have to realize that all
these negative associations create an irrational and limiting belief system, which is physical
intimacy is bad and dirty. So your belief, which means this act is bad, affects your self talk, self
talk. And a lot of people when I'm doing therapy with them, they're not even aware of this internal
dialogue that they're having with themselves, which is actually 600 more words, a minute. So you
have a belief, which is, this act is bad, which affects your self talk and the self talk, you could
		

			be like, Oh, my God, I dread this Oh, no, not again. And it's all these negative talks. And it
creates your feeling. And so the feeling that it creates is anxiety, guilt, shame, and then it is
manifested in your actions. So either withdrawing, avoiding, or simply being unresponsive. So if you
want to change your behavior, you need to first change your limiting beliefs. And by creating a new
positive, empowering belief, so we need to look at it as an actual paradigm shift in the way that
you view physical intimacy. So instead of seeing it as, as it being bad, see it as either the
spiritual emotional connection with your spouse, I have actually known many sisters who were exposed
		

			to this kind of negative perception of intimacy, and they overcame their limiting beliefs. And I'm
going to tell you how, because it is possible not many of us have been privileged to have parents
who are open up open enough to share with us a very positive outlook. So we have to overcome this
and it is possible. So the first thing that you need to do is reprogram realize that your mind is
like a computer and you have to program it, whatever you say to yourself, whatever you foresee, it's
like a self fulfilling prophecy. And you can also use the tool of visualization. visualization is
really powerful. I mean, you see the people in the Olympics, those who are extremely successful,
		

			they use the power of visualization, to achieve their goal. So you have to close your eyes, picture
yourself, being calm, being relaxed, enjoying the act, and being aware also of your self talk, you
have to say to yourself that this is I'm going to I'm going to be relaxed and realize that it is an
act that is rewarded by a lot. It is not dirty, how can it How can something dirty be helot Allah
has permitted this for us. And so it is rewarded and it can definitely be enjoyable. It also helps
as just kind of a side note what I have seen work with a lot of sisters who have tension, whether
it's at the beginning of their marriage or sometimes way into their marriage is about using
		

			relaxation techniques. It is about tensing up your muscles starting from your tippy toes and moving
all the way up. And tensing, relaxing tensing, relaxing.
		

			This actually helps your whole body to relax. And in order to get your mind to relax and you start
doing breathing exercises where you take deep breaths and then you release not this is a it's a
beautiful way to fight off any sort of anxiety and then following it up with the self talk calming
words to yourself that I am calm, I am present and I can enjoy this
		

			example Okay, for that. Several, you have studied these issues closely. We have examples of our
Sahaba and how this was not a taboo topic during the time of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam.
So, can you touch up on how these
		

			cultural beliefs are wrong? islamically?
		

			Absolutely, you know, you, you said it, this topic was not taboo at all during the time of the
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, in fact, in Islam,
		

			to discuss sexuality with truth and honesty is has never been considered bad or a taboo. Islam
teaches us to be truthful, after all. kalama Anna said that, you know, the best of the speech is, is
the truth. So saying something otherwise, will never bring any height or any good in our lives. And
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said in the Cypriot Leland bill, the truthfulness that
leads to piety. Now, on the other hand, these control statements are all false. And falseness can
never lead to anything good or blissful. And we can see how much damage these beliefs have caused,
and they continue to cause. Now, as for the sexual act in Islam, intimacy is not bad. And it is not
		

			dirty. I mean, think about it, how can it be dirty when Islam has made the act of intimacy or
solidify in marriage?
		

			So I want to touch upon that. So some Islamic classes and teachers teach that women who feel desire
will not attain the pleasure of paradise. And I find that this teaching can really hurt a marriage.
I've talked to and spoken and counseled many women who have felt this way and have heard this
throughout their lives. And especially women who become more practicing, so maybe they did not have
these opinions before but suddenly they're coming back to Islam or they're learning about the deen
and they're learning from teachers and suddenly they get to hear this a lot.
		

			Others teach * as charity. So the far right, based from the Hadith from Sahih Bukhari and Sahih
Muslim, but limit women when they stretch that charity, South Africa is seeking reward only from
Allah, women then start treating intimacy such as, like an obligation with a holier than thou
attitude, not expecting any sensual pleasure. But sadaqa doesn't also mean treat and giving the best
that we have. So can you please elaborate on the set? Hadees of Sadako?
		

			Yeah, sure. The Hadith basically, let me quote the Hadith, it's a long Hadith so I'm not going to
quote the whole Hadees but basically, it is in Sahih, Muslim, we are Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam was listing, you know, a number of acts of sadaqa, that
		

			such and such as sadaqa and smiling as a source of iron. And then he mentioned that in the sexual
act of each of you, there is a sort of so the Sahaba they were surprised and they asked, you're also
allowing one of us fulfills his sexual desires, will he be given out award for that? And so he
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Do you not think that were he to act upon it unlawfully, he will,
he will be sitting. Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully, he will be rewarded. And as I said it,
this can be found inside a Muslim.
		

			Now, this first, first of all, we need to understand that this is both for men and women. It's not
only that the women are giving sadaqa to their husbands, it's a mutual thing. And the reason it's
you have to understand that it is upheld by the Arabic linguistic rules, that when both men and
women are addressed, then male pronoun is used. So even if it's just one men and everybody else is a
woman, it would still take the male male pronoun, and it has nothing to do. It's just this is how
the Arabic language is. But when something is only for women, then the female pronoun is used. So
now this saga is the sisters have to realize it's not like they're giving sadaqa to you know,
		

			charity to their husbands because they are in need. The woman are also in need. It's a mutual so
that our men are giving sadaqa to their wives and wives are giving sadaqa to their, to their
husbands. There's no such thing as holier than thou. It's a it's a mutual thing.
		

			You know, beautiful mutual act for earning other together and satisfying their needs together to
also, as you mentioned in the Quran as well.
		

			Oh,
		

			several times in the Quran I'll, I'll just, I won't take too much of your time. So I'll just put two
examples do you allow so john says in Surah Al Baqarah, or * Allah, Allah Allah tassia Morocco
Illa Nisa Eco, it is made halal, or it is made lawful for you to have sexual relations. Allah xojo
subhanho wa Taala does not make something halal, which is bad or which is dirty. And there are many
other places in Koran Mira where Allah azza wa jal is, you know, highlighting praiseworthy
characteristics of successful people.
		

			And, and in the list he's upon what Allah mentioned several things that these are the people who got
their prayers, these are the people who fast and give sadaqa. And in that list, you see, I like when
levena homely food to him, half of them and those who protect their private parts in Lyla as
watching him except from their spouses. So the very fact that he subhanho wa Taala is the one who
has ordained this act, Helen and praiseworthy in marriage hold on outside the marriage, and when
performed within the marriage is actually a way to earn reward from him as a soldier, then it is
incumbent upon us that we get our minds out of the damaging cultural beliefs and put our religion
		

			over our culture. Unfortunately, because of this negative association of intimacy, in rooting from
the faulty cultural beliefs, many women can get over the idea of * being bad and dirty.
And they end up building an aversion towards intimacy, ruining their marital relationships. And
unfortunately, you know, some of these cases actually lead to divorce.
		

			Holly,
		

			as for this discussion, what are some solution to counter the rain tendency is introduced in a
harmful way to a young man or woman.
		

			Yet, this is such an important issue, we need to actually parents need to revolutionize the way they
speak to their teenagers about intimacy, no more scare tactics and shaming, this will destroy their
marital relationship, lying to your kids, just to keep them under control is not effective
parenting, they grow up, they will grow up and resent you. And so will their spouses. I have heard
so many endless stories of sisters being told by bit by their parents different different scary
situations to avert them to create an aversion towards physical intimacy. So this is not the way we
need to go about it to protect our kids, we need to have frank discussions, we need to be able to
		

			openly communicate. And it needs to be presented in a way that a law intended for the physical
intimacy to be expressed in the context of a loving and serving relationship between a husband and a
wife. It is really a beautiful act that connects couples beyond description. So we need to present
it in a positive way. We need to have open dialogue. And the emphasis needs to be on having a and
having relations in the context of marriage and not on the act being bad, dirty or hot on.
		

			Okay. And Holly, I 100% support you on this thing. In fact, I have a personal example, actually, to
quote. So I'm just going to go ahead and say the story that just happened. In fact, a couple of
weeks ago, when my
		

			seven year old daughter, Jenna, she was telling me a story. And then it was a story about a princess
or something. And then in the end of the day, get married, basically. And so she said in her words,
you know, and they get married, and then they kissed and then she said she had like an ill you know
she'd like was showing like discussion about it. So I just had like, you know, a motherly instinct
at that time. And I just I seize that opportunity. And I actually addressed her I said, Why is that?
No. And then she just said because kissing you know, it's you. And so I sat down and I told her I
said but see they were married, so they became husband and wife. So when husband and wife kiss, it's
		

			not a it's actually good. But when someone kisses and they're not husband and wife, like a
girlfriend or a boyfriend, then it's very, very ill so in in her in her words. So I think that's
what we need to do. We need to just take opportunities and engage our kids.
		

			In these discussion and be open about it, we, you know, we need to clear their mind from that young
age. Absolutely Well, for applying Alhamdulillah I, I totally agree with your sisters, I speak to my
children about it and I have four Mashallah, in an age appropriate manner, where they can refer to
the Koran, where they can use examples from their real life. And we talk about it in a scientific
way we discussed DNA, how someone's DNA might have gotten into someone else. And these are questions
that the kids naturally and normally have. And when you address them right then and there and they
know that you are the person or you're the father is the person that they can come to, then
		

			Alhamdulillah when they become teenagers, they will go to someone else to get nonsense information
from someone somewhere else. So I really, really
		

			stress this fact to our audience as well. In fact, some of you have a series on this subject on
Muslim matters on this topic, sexual education. I do growing up workshops around the country, that
you can, you know, when we talk about puberty, and growing up, Holly does parenting workshops and
		

			addressing these issues from a counseling point of view, Mashallah, these are really like we need to
really our community really needs to step up on these matters and on hamdulillah Al Hamdulillah, for
sisters like you, but I don't want anybody to get the impression that cultural beliefs are just
limited to the east. There are many European cultural beliefs and paradigms that we have absorbed
causing the same kind of damage. So could you speak about this in detail?