Haleh Banani – 7 signs you’re in an abusive relationship

			Domestic violence, it's so prevalent in our communities and just throughout the world. So I'm going
to share with you the seven signs, the seven signs that you're in an abusive relationship, and
inshallah it will shed some light. And each time we'll discuss how to deal with it. And first of
all, tell me if you know, anyone who is in this situation, and I'm sure a majority of people will
respond. And this way we can see how prevalent it is, most of the people that I have worked with,
I've had the privilege of working with 1000s of people over the past 24 years internationally. And
what I see is that it is so common, so whether it is seeing your parents be in an abusive
		

			relationship, seeing your family members, sometimes your siblings, and sometimes you're in it
yourself, and I just want it to be very, very evident that most people have experienced some level
of domestic violence. So the first sign of being in an abusive relationship is that the person is
extremely possessive. They're possessive, they are controlling, they want to know where you are, who
you're with what you're doing, they try to limit your whether it is to your spending, whether it's
who you're spending time with. So this level of control is with people who are abusive, they want to
control where you're going, what you're doing, and who you're spending time with. The second
		

			characteristic is a person is very jealous, they're jealous. And so they're always accusing you of
either flirting or cheating, they could really restrict your interactions. And this jealousy is not
just for the opposite gender, they may be very jealous of any relationship that you have any close
meaningful relationships that you have, will create this level of jealousy. The third characteristic
is that they will put you down. So these put downs, it could be publicly or privately. And there is
a constant criticism about your abilities, your intelligence, your looks, your capabilities,
whatever it is that you're doing. So there's a constant putting down. And this is a way of making
		

			you have low self esteem. Because when you have low self esteem, and there's this constant reminder
that no one would be interested in you, only I can put up with you is a way to lock the victim in
the relationship. So they feel that they are worthless, they feel that they have nothing to offer,
and that no one else would be interested in them. And sadly, this happens with so many of the
clients I've worked with, they feel depleted of energy, they have no sense of self worth. And that's
why they feel like they deserve it, that they should be abused because they're such bad people. And
this is a wrong analysis that we're going to talk about this further in Sharla. The fourth
		

			characteristic is constant threats. So there's the threat of I'm leaving you there's the threat that
I'm going to be violent with you, there's the threat that I'm going to tell people about you. So
whatever it is, that is constantly making you feel fear, right. So this is a tactic that is used to
also keep a person in place so that they're not responding back, that they don't run away. So they
feel so fearful all the time. The fifth sign is that there's actual physical violence, and this is
quite common. And something we need to realize is that domestic violence is not limited to a certain
culture, it's not limited to a certain socio economical background. It's not limited to certain
		

			places it affects people affects the rich and the poor, the same, it affects the educated and the
uneducated, I have surgeons who have this habit of domestic violence, I have people who are
extremely knowledgeable within the deen. So it's not about someone if they're religious, then they
won't do that. If they're educated, they won't do it. Unfortunately, every everyone is affected by
this domestic violence. So you find that these threats, the physical violence is when usually people
start taking action, right? When they start getting physically hurt, and other people start becoming
aware of it. Then the sixth characteristic is someone who has a bad temper, when they have a bad
		

			temper, and they're constantly yelling, they may be cursing, they're breaking things, they may rake
the items that you love, just in spite of you just to make you angry just to hurt you. So you'll
find that the bad temper is one of the signs of an abusive relationship. And the seven is a person
who has very unpredictable behavior. People are always walking on eggshells, it could be the spouse,
it could be the children, they never know what is going to trigger the person. So it's like walking
a minefield, it's still a lot of fear. So you need to really become aware of the signs. And once you
know because it's very easy to dismiss them. It's very easy to overlook. If you find that
		

			You are in a relationship like that, or you know someone who is in a relationship like that. It's
very critical to open up your eyes and really evaluate, evaluate the danger, evaluate what you are
experiencing. And realize, first and foremost that it's not your fault, because I know many of the
clients that I've had, they blame themselves, the victims, because they have been stripped of their
self esteem because they have been constantly criticized, it's very easy to feel that they are to
blame for this. And so I want you to first know that you deserve to be respected, you deserve to be
loved, you deserve to have peace in your home, you deserve to live without fear. So you need to
		

			evaluate what you need to do if you need to get professional help. If you need to get the support of
friends or family, and you need to be able to assess what is the danger of this. Now, sometimes it
could be person just has a bad temper, they're a little bit moody, and they don't have the other
characteristics and you feel like I can deal with the moodiness right. And other times you find that
every single sign of an abusive relationship is there and you're not doing anything about it. And
something I want to remind everyone is that being patient does not mean taking a beating. I know
that there's a misconception within our communities. And it is very sad for me to say this, but many
		

			of the sisters I have worked with, they think that being a good Muslim or being a good wife means
staying quiet and not speaking up when there is physical abuse. And that is not the case, you're not
expected to stay in an abusive relationship. Now you can talk to the person, maybe take some
measures and realize set some strong boundaries. And we'll talk about this more. But realize that
that is not necessarily a sign of a good man or just taking a beating. Because this is going to
destroy your self esteem, it's going to destroy your spirituality, it's going to destroy everything
about you. And there is a way of resolving conflict, it is about recognizing, assessing, I don't
		

			know your situation. I don't know how severe it is. But it is important to assess the seriousness of
the situation. Many times I have found that people may fall into these abusive relationships, and
they don't even realize it, maybe it's because of their path. It's because of their upbringing, and
they learn the right marriage skills, and they're able to correct themselves, right. So I'm not
telling you to end it, I'm not necessarily telling you to stay in an abusive relationship you have
to assess. And if you have a hard time assessing, make sure you talk to a professional, seek that
guidance, get that support, and realize that being a good Muslim means respecting yourself. And it
		

			means living in peace, and making sure that you your children are safe. And I have seen many cases
of domestic violence when the man is the victim as well. So we usually tend to think of it as only
something that women go through. But men have been subjected to domestic violence as well. And it
can get quite serious. Sometimes knives are pulled out. Sometimes it's quite serious. And so you
need to really assess the seriousness of it. And really recognize that there can be steps to either
making the relationship better stopping the abuse, or recognizing that this is dangerous for
yourself, for your kids, and having to end. And I pray that all of you who are going through this, I
		

			can understand how deeply wounded you may feel. It's hard to imagine it's hard to put ourselves in
the shoes of a person who has gone through this. But we have that empathy of those who are going
through it, how it breaks you. I have seen friends go through this. I've seen clients go through
this and it is heartbreaking. And I just want to let you know you're not alone if you're going
through this. And you don't have to continue suffering like this. So please, either make the
situation better, make it a safe place, make your home a place of peace and tranquility, or
recognize that it is dangerous. Find a way to get yourself out of this. I would love to help you in
		

			getting yourself out of the situation or making your relationship better in sha Allah. If you go to
Khalid banani.com. Under courses, you can get some free video training, or you can download the free
PDF. If a person really wants to change. I believe that change is possible. This is why I'm in this
professional if I didn't believe that people can change. I would never choose this profession. I've
seen people transform, but there has to be a
		

			A sense of commitment. A lot of times there's underlying psychological problems. And when they
address it, and they treat it, then things become tremendously better. So it's a matter of
commitment. It's a matter of what are they willing to do, I don't want you to just believe that I'm
going to be better, right? They have to show it with their actions, but in sha Allah that Allah
guides each and every one of you if you are in this situation, may Allah make it crystal clear what
it is that you're supposed to do that you are provided with the support, the love the understanding,
and please don't be hard on yourself. And don't think that you have to just take the abuse. Take
		

			good care to Zakah Lafayette and Salam Alikum