Haleh Banani – 3 things you can do today to connect with your spouse immediately!

			fixing your marriage and your relationships starts in your own mind, whatever you're thinking about
whatever you assume about your spouse is going to affect the way you think about them and how you
feel about them and ultimately, how you treat them. So there are three steps that we can take in
order to affect the way that we think about our spouse, change the way that we're relating to them,
and also connect on a deeper level Salam Alaikum. This is Khalid banani. And it's marriage mending
Mondays. And I want to give you some pointers, some things that I have experienced within the 20
years of helping clients worldwide, how you can improve your marriage. You know, one of the first
		

			things that I tell my clients is that you need to practice positive projection. Practicing positive
projection means basically having homelessness done.
		

			Assuming the best, assuming the best of your spouse, you know, many times, I find that clients just
assume the worst, they will say you their spouse will tell them a statement, they may be in a bad
place. They may have had some experiences that day, and you have to assume the best. It's amazing
how the Prophet Muhammad Salallahu alaihe salam has taught us to have the hustler than to assume the
best when you come in with that mindset that they may just be having a bad day, they didn't really
mean it and you assume the best, it really affects the way you feel. What I have seen is that when
couples when they hear a comment, and they just immediately jump to the worst case scenario, they
		

			assume that the worst and they react the reaction is so this overreaction, which causes an
explosion, it causes so many things to go wrong. And when they start practicing the whole sudden,
when they start having a positive projection, and they assume the best then that is what changes
everything around and I want you to try that with your spouse I know that you may be thinking well,
you don't know my spouse, you don't know what they have done. And and that may be the case I don't
know your particular situation. But I can tell you that in all your relationships, if you have a
more positive assumption, then everything is going to go so much smoother. salaam aleikum, sisters,
		

			thank you, and brothers for joining in. So we're talking about the three ways to connect. So one,
the first we said, assuming the best and you really have relationship is a science and when when you
study it when you recognize that how people relate to one another, and overreacting is never the
answer. When you take what the person is saying. And you are more aware of your own patterns,
because many times we bring in our old patterns, we bring in the negativity, maybe some unresolved
issues, and a small issue gets, you know, gets out of control. Okay, so that's the first step
second, is listening without fixing, listening without fixing. That's a hard one. Okay, I
		

			understand. I know that, you know, in the line of work I do I always have my fix that hat on, right.
So I understand what it's like when someone tells you a problem, and you feel like you have the
answer, right. And I remember with one of my friends, she was telling me about a marriage issue. And
I was just like, okay, here's what she says step one, step two, step three, and she said, you know,
haila, sometimes I just want to vent. This is like 20 years ago. And I said, You know what, you're
absolutely right. So it really makes a difference when you hear someone out. So if you give, let's
say 20 minutes, okay, 20 minutes to hear the complaint, the frustration, the hurt, whatever it is
		

			that they're going through without trying to fix it right? In my marriage program, the five pillars
of marriage, we have this really hilarious video. And some of you may have seen it is it's the wife
has a nail, you know, there's a nail in her head and the husband and she's saying, I have a
headache. And the husband wants to say just take the nail out.
		

			And you have to see it because it's hilarious, in that sometimes you don't need to state the obvious
is just being empathetic, actually, it's a lot easier, right? Because many times we feel like oh my
gosh, I need I need to solve this problem. And it's not necessarily about solving it. It's about
being present. It's about listening and hearing the individual out. And you know, with the within
the 20 minutes, you don't sit there silently, you know, because I had a client come and say, you
know, I was really trying to be a great husband, my heart
		

			My wife was so frustrated. And she, you know, I gave her 30 minutes, she just talked talk talk, and
I just stayed quiet. And at the end, she got mad at me, he was so confused. And really, it's, it's
not about just sitting silently, right, because if you come across as being zoned out or
uninterested, so you do have to participate, you do need to have comments, you need to have follow
up questions, maybe even repeating. So what I hear you saying is that you're very frustrated that I
haven't been spending any time with you or you're you know, you're really upset that I'm always on
the phone, or I'm always doing my work or you don't feel like you're a priority, when you repeat
		

			what it is that your your spouse is, you know, frustrated about, that's when the person feels hurt.
But if you're just sitting there quiet for like 30 minutes,
		

			it makes the person feel like you don't care, right? So we got to make sure that we are projecting
the right emotion, and that we listen, because a lot of times, it's just a matter of hearing the
personnel. What I see in the
		

			marriage coaching that I do, I see that individuals, they don't even give each other a chance to
complete their sentences, you know, I have to set the rules of you know, gift that respect, allow
your spouse to finish their thought, don't interrupt, and I do this consistently. And you find that
sometimes in one session, people will follow that same pattern. So give that space, allow your
spouse to express themselves and be more patient be more patient. and respect is really about
hearing the other person out and not speaking over them not feeling like you have all the answers
not thinking that, you know, I'm right, and they're wrong. And I'm going to fix it. So that is
		

			another important point is give at least 20 minutes to hear your spouse out. And the third thing
that I would recommend as a way to connect deeply with your spouse is spend time, right, there's a
lot of emphasis on quality time. And you may be saying you know what we're spending too much time
together, right. And there's a lot of frustration about people working from home or being in each
other's space the entire time. But there is a there's a difference between just being in the same
space versus quality time. And this is what a lot of people don't understand, they are in the same
room. And you know, the sometimes the wife is very frustrated. And we'll say you know, I am right
		

			there. I don't understand what more he wants from me, he sees me all day long. But he you know, the
husband will complain that we're not really connecting, right, she's just consumed with whatever it
is that she's doing, or all her attention is on the kids. And then might be the wife complaining
that Yeah, he's there. He's, you know, he's sitting there, but he's like, he's completely
disconnected. So you need to be emotionally present. And you need to connect and have quality, time
quality times mean, eye contact, right, you gotta have eye contact, give me two to be communicating,
you need to be, in a sense, doing something that you enjoy, I would not call sitting in front of the
		

			TV quality time that that really isn't quality time. You could do that. But it's not quality time.
So maybe going for a walk, maybe having a cup of tea together, doing some kind of activity. And even
if it's 20 minutes a day mate doesn't need to be for hours and hours. But if you have that way of
connecting on a daily basis, this is what keeps your relationship going really strong because it's
not about the amount of time that you're spending in the same space. It's about the emotional
connection you're making. So if you prioritize the emotional connection, if you are really listening
to your spouse, giving them that time to vent not dismissing them, not making them feel like they
		

			are you know they don't make any sense and you're wrong to feel this way never never ever tell a
person you're wrong to feel that way you know everyone has a right to the way they're feeling. And
so when you listen with an open heart open mind and you practice positive projection you have the
highest net than you assume the best of your spouse. This is going to completely change your
connection with your with your spouse. And so this is this is my reminder for the marriage mending
Monday and I really hope that all of you are able to you know you're able to apply these points
because it it really does make a difference.
		

			I have seen so many individuals come in. And even if they come along right and they're not with
their spouse, they make certain small changes, they learn certain marriage skills. And within a few
sessions, their whole marriage is different and and they bring out the best in their spouse. So make
it an effort, make your intention to improve your relationship and inshallah that we can be up to
people who learn and information, learn it and apply it so it's like a lucky time for to tuning in.
And tomorrow is going to be transformational Tuesday, same time, it'll be top 30 pm Central. Take
care of Salaam Alaikum