Haifaa Younis – Remedies from Qur’an and Sunnah Domestic Abuse Program #02

Haifaa Younis
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The speaker discusses the prevalence of domestic violence victims being women and men in the American Muslim community and the importance of Islam in protecting people's rights and potential harm. They share statistics on the number of domestic violence victims experiencing physical and mental abuse, as well as the prevalence of sexual and emotional abuse. The speaker emphasizes the importance of living with them in kindness and the principles of marriage, including the importance of principle between husband and wife, divorce, and divorce. They also discuss the concept of sex and how it is not a matter of reason, but rather a factor of fear or desire.

AI: Summary ©

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			Eighty 5 percent
		
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			of the domestic violence victims are women.
		
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			Eighty 5 percent. There's 15%
		
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			of them, there is men, but 85%
		
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			is women or are women, right? So SubhanAllah,
		
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			it's
		
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			reality, but
		
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			it's a painful reality.
		
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			Domestic violence, now I'm gonna share with you
		
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			these statistics, in the American Muslim community,
		
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			and this is again, this is the organization
		
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			I told you about according to the Peaceful
		
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			Families
		
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			Project and this is a survey done by
		
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			Sakina.
		
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			31%
		
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			of the American Muslims reported
		
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			experiencing
		
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			abuse within
		
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			an intimate
		
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			partner relationship. Now this is husband and wife.
		
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			31%
		
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			and 53%, as I shared with you earlier,
		
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			of the American Muslim
		
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			reported
		
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			some form of an abuse in a family.
		
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			So 53%,
		
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			all forms, 31%
		
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			specifically
		
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			in the intimate relationship, there is abuse.
		
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			SubhanAllah.
		
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			Now here we come.
		
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			Most of the women,
		
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			right? Or actually, I would say most of
		
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			the couple, the first resource they go to
		
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			is Imams,
		
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			right? And this is what the statistics shows,
		
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			survey of 63 Muslim leaders
		
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			showed that 10%
		
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			of the Muslims
		
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			experienced
		
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			physical abuse in their homes. This is a
		
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			this is an old statistics if you see.
		
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			This is the woman I told you about
		
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			that she passed away in 2004, she started
		
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			this organization
		
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			and this is in 1999,
		
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			right? They say 10% of the Muslims
		
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			experience physical abuse.
		
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			Allah knows how much it is now with
		
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			all the violence we are seeing in
		
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			in the world,
		
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			that become norm, so the more we see
		
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			violence in the movies and the cartoons,
		
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			then we get more immune, we get numb
		
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			to seeing violence and then we start seeing
		
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			it. Look at the language
		
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			now we are using, not us, but the
		
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			younger generation, and I had this discussion in
		
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			fact last night with some of the youth
		
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			and they said just look at the cartoons.
		
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			It's the norm. All these
		
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			fun things is all using
		
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			the the bad language. So you can imagine
		
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			in 1999,
		
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			there is 10% of the Muslims experience physical
		
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			abuse. I am sure it is much more
		
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			now. A study of 23 Muslim married female
		
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			immigrants
		
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			from this is specifically from that country, 10%
		
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			prevalence
		
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			rate of spousal abuse,
		
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			SubhanAllah. And the rules of imam study, 22
		
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			mosques in New York found
		
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			96%
		
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			of the participant
		
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			perceived
		
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			imam as a counselor.
		
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			96%.
		
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			SubhanAllah, I was preparing this and that's exactly
		
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			the phone call I got yesterday
		
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			and it was the woman wanted to talk
		
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			to me, they already went and talked to
		
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			the imam.
		
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			So the first thing we all go and
		
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			what is the may Allah reward all the
		
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			Imams,
		
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			not every one of them
		
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			is, myself included, maybe I learned it a
		
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			little bit in medical school. We are not
		
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			counselors,
		
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			we don't have
		
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			a training, professional training as a as a
		
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			counselor,
		
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			but this is what is available now. So
		
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			they said 96%
		
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			of the participants
		
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			perceived the imam as a counselor and 74%
		
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			had sought counseling from imam for safety issue.
		
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			This is 2,006
		
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			safety issue. She's worried about her life.
		
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			SubhanAllah,
		
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			SubhanAllah.
		
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			Now another study, look at this, in a
		
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			study of 190
		
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			Muslim
		
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			Muslims and it's almost 200,
		
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			seeking mental health counseling in Northern Virginia.
		
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			41%
		
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			American Muslims, American Muslims
		
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			experienced domestic violence in the form of verbal,
		
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			emotional, physical, or sexual.
		
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			60%
		
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			of
		
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			those
		
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			experienced verbal or psychological
		
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			abuse in their lifetime.
		
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			It's very prevalent, Yani. The numbers is not
		
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			small. 60 percent.
		
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			60 percent is almost like 2 third,
		
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			and this is in general if you combine
		
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			them all and I know what we when
		
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			when someone says I'm being abused, our mind
		
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			always goes usually
		
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			to, but that's not only it and this
		
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			is the first question I ask when the
		
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			woman comes to me and I said, what
		
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			kind? And I actually specify it, these 5:
		
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			verbal,
		
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			physical,
		
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			emotional,
		
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			financial, and sexual.
		
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			SubhanAllah, may Allah
		
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			make things easy.
		
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			Now, last thing is here we go, the
		
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			types of abuse
		
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			in a survey of 9 domestic violence organizations
		
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			around the United States
		
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			serving more than 2,000 Muslim women
		
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			survivors
		
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			reported
		
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			82%
		
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			is emotional
		
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			or verbal, 65%
		
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			financial.
		
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			I will not spend for you. Leave and
		
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			see who's going to give money to your
		
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			children. This is
		
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			financial abuse.
		
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			Or she trusted him and she put all
		
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			her money or their joint account and then
		
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			he takes it.
		
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			Or the other way around.
		
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			But as I said, 85%
		
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			of the victims are women. 45 49%
		
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			is spiritual abuse.
		
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			Spiritual abuse. Allah will not be happy with
		
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			you, you will never go to Jannah. All
		
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			these things
		
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			we use and I always said this one,
		
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			we tailor
		
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			the religion according to what we want,
		
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			so I take a verse or I take
		
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			a hadith and I tailor it according to
		
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			what benefits me. I don't look at the
		
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			whole thing, and I'll I'll come to the
		
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			some of the, verses of the Quran that
		
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			we need to look at it in the
		
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			whole in totality, we don't look at it
		
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			at one word.
		
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			74%
		
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			physical abuse,
		
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			SubhanAllah,
		
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			70 4, this is statistics, this is real,
		
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			30% is sexual abuse,
		
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			and a woman shelter
		
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			resident study of 55
		
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			or 57
		
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			closed case files from an American Muslim women
		
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			shelter revealed that, this is in 2007,
		
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			30
		
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			37%
		
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			had multiple types of abuse,
		
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			23%
		
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			physical abuse and 12 percent
		
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			emotional abuse.
		
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			SubhanAllah. So I shared these numbers,
		
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			my beautiful South African,
		
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			friends, please forgive me because I don't have
		
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			statistics
		
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			from South Africa, but I can imagine if
		
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			this is what it is in the United
		
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			States. My gut feelings tell me it is
		
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			more in South Africa, so this is this
		
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			is just now.
		
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			We are going to base our discussion on
		
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			what Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala said to us
		
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			and through the Quran or through Rasul
		
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			Right?
		
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			And we start with a couple of questions.
		
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			Does Islam allowed it?
		
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			Does Islam allowed abuse? In general, in general.
		
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			Look at it. Spouses,
		
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			parents and children, children with each other.
		
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			Abuse
		
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			is a form of
		
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			injustice.
		
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			It's a form of injustice. You are using
		
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			your right in not the right way. That's
		
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			injustice. You're putting something
		
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			not in the right place, that's injustice.
		
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			What is
		
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			the ruling
		
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			of
		
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			injustice in Islam? This is a principle, you
		
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			apply it everywhere in your life, it is
		
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			actually
		
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			haram,
		
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			it is forbidden,
		
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			it's like eating pork
		
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			and Allah said this in Hadith and Qudsi
		
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			My servant
		
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			My servant
		
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			Allah is saying this,
		
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			my servants, you and me,
		
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			I have made injustice
		
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			haram, this is Allah used this word, it's
		
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			illegal,
		
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			it's unlawful,
		
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			and I made it Allah saying this, and
		
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			I made injustice
		
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			haram on myself.
		
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			Allah is Al Addu Subhanah,
		
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			Allah is the just
		
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			and injustice He made it haram on Himself
		
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			meaning
		
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			no one,
		
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			no creation of Allah,
		
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			not even animals will be treated with injustice,
		
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			Hashah, Allah will not do that
		
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			and that's what he's saying, he says My
		
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			servant, I made injustice haram unlawful
		
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			and I made it unlawful on myself
		
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			and I made it unlawful between you, and
		
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			then he said Falata balamoo,
		
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			do not practice injustice.
		
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			Abuse is an injustice. That's the first thing
		
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			we have to remember and we have to
		
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			learn.
		
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			When I am abusing
		
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			my rights in any form or shape, I
		
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			am committing injustice.
		
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			I am committing haram. I think we all
		
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			need to put these facts as basics.
		
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			People want to practice it, people don't practice,
		
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			that's something they have to answer to Allah
		
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			Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala but there is nothing justified,
		
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			nothing justify
		
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			and I'm going to come to the ayah
		
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			in the Quran where people use it to
		
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			justify physical abuse to the woman.
		
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			But in general, as a principle, and I'm
		
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			gonna come
		
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			in couple of the ayaats of the Quran,
		
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			principle between husband and wife,
		
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			principle between husband and wife, this is the
		
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			words of Allah
		
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			this is not my words,
		
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			this is not an interpretation,
		
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			this is clear and look what Allah
		
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			says, O you who attain faith or believer,
		
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			it's unlawful that you this is the
		
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			woman.
		
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			It is unlawful for you to inherit women
		
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			by compulsion,
		
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			and do not make difficulties
		
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			for them in order to take back
		
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			part of what you gave them unless they
		
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			commit a clear immorality.
		
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			Look at this,
		
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			this is an order.
		
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			This one.
		
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			Live with them in kindness.
		
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			And this is to the men talking to
		
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			the women.
		
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			Allah talking to the men
		
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			how to deal with their wives.
		
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			Well, I don't love HariAllahu,
		
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			she changed, she's not the same woman I
		
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			married
		
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			and
		
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			if you dislike them perhaps, meaning this can
		
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			happen,
		
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			you dislike something and Allah makes in it,
		
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			in it a great khayr, khayram kathira, much
		
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			good.
		
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			This is a principle
		
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			in relationship
		
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			between husband and wife.
		
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			Abuse is not allowed, whether abused to take
		
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			back what money you gave them, he will
		
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			not divorce her till she gives him the
		
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			money, that's abuse.
		
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			You don't like her, you cannot
		
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			not liking someone is not a ground for
		
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			abuse. That's
		
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			the
		
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			first principle in marriage,
		
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			live with them with goodness, and
		
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			that's by the way both sides, but this
		
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			ayah is specifically to the woman,
		
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			Here you go, this is the next ayah,
		
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			it's in Suratul Waka, right? And Allah here
		
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			is putting it
		
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			in the context of divorce, and women
		
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			have the right over their husbands as regard
		
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			living expenses, right?
		
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			Similar to those of their husbands over them.
		
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			It starts by it starts the I I
		
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			translate only part of it, but it starts
		
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			about divorce, what when the woman go through
		
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			divorce, what should she do and then Allah
		
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			in the second part and he says
		
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			they have
		
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			the woman has the same as the man
		
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			has,
		
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			right? In fear and goodness.
		
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			This is an abuse
		
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			this may be abused, this
		
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			what Allah says here: And the men have
		
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			responsibility
		
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			over them.
		
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			Narijari alaihin nagaraja
		
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			so they have they are above them that's
		
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			a loose translation, they're not better than them
		
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			when the man will have the upper hand
		
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			when the man fulfills the right Allah gave
		
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			him
		
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			and that is by spending on them,
		
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			by taking care of them from A to
		
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			Z.
		
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			From A to Z when the husband
		
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			takes care of finance,
		
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			takes care of emotional,
		
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			takes care even when she gets upset and
		
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			she may say things, he's the man. He
		
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			absorbed it
		
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			and there's and I'm going to say this
		
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			story because it is there, Sayyidna
		
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			I think it's a Sahabi or a righteous
		
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			man at the time of Sayyidna Umar, right?
		
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			Went to go to Sayyid Na Umar to
		
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			complain about his wife, that his wife is
		
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			not treating him well. He went to the
		
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			door of Sayyidina Umar and then he heard
		
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			the wife of Sayyidina Umar
		
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			saying something to Sayyidina Umar and the man
		
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			said, he went back and he said Sayyidina
		
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			Umar, and then he saw him later. This
		
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			is like the
		
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			the the concept of the story, and he
		
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			said I came to to complain to you
		
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			about,
		
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			my wife, and then I and I heard
		
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			your wife is talking to you in the
		
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			same way my wife is talking to you.
		
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			And say, no, I'm not responding,
		
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			and in in in the meaning of, if
		
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			we will not be taking care of our
		
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			wives, who else will? If we cannot
		
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			absorb their anger, who else will?
		
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			This is Sayidna Umar.
		
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			So here you go, when I
		
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			act as Sayidna Umar as a man, the
		
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			man acts as Sayidna Umar, absorbs the anger,
		
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			the emotion,
		
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			gentle, he then he has the upper hand
		
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			but it's not just a free giving
		
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			and when we read the verses in the
		
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			Quran, the man has additional rights, and I
		
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			put it in red here, and this is
		
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			actually not my words, this is actually for
		
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			the commentary of this ayah. The verse indicates
		
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			the man has additional right that when he
		
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			fulfill his role as a protector, as a
		
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			maintainer,
		
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			and as responsibility
		
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			of spending,
		
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			If he does everything and the woman is
		
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			in the house respected,
		
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			being taken care of and everything including emotional,
		
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			then yes,
		
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			they have like let's say something,
		
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			over them. Right? Now, we come to the
		
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			communist verse that is used by men to
		
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			justify
		
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			physical abuse of the woman.
		
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			This is also
		
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			and I'm gonna read for you
		
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			the translation, I put it in red for
		
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			a reason because I want people to read
		
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			it. Men are in charge of women, I
		
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			mean the Kawama
		
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			translation is very hard to translate and it's
		
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			not in charge.
		
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			Al Kawana is someone who is responsible
		
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			for that person, free meaning
		
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			not control,
		
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			takes care of all their needs. That's Al
		
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			Kawamah
		
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			and Allah said why? Why the man is
		
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			responsible for the 1? What
		
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			Allah have given them the upper hand in
		
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			physical and ability to go out and work
		
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			harder and all the other things.
		
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			There's 2
		
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			2 requirements
		
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			that the man has to fulfill
		
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			to fulfill
		
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			and then he will have this
		
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			as we say,
		
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			privilege.
		
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			He spends completely
		
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			on the woman, the woman by Sharia does
		
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			not have to spend anything
		
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			for her house. She does it. That's that's
		
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			her generosity,
		
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			but reality
		
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			as an obligation
		
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			in front of Allah, she is not, but
		
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			almost every woman does that. So here you
		
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			go, then comes to
		
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			from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly
		
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			obedient
		
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			guarding their husbands when they are away, and
		
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			but those wives
		
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			who they fear arrogance,
		
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			advise them first.
		
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			Forsake them in bed to leave them,
		
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			and then he strike them, that's the word.
		
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			That's the word a lot of people, Muslims
		
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			and non Muslims use it. This is Allah
		
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			said,
		
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			Allah said
		
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			strike them, right?
		
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			Then you go back to the Quran again
		
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			and look what Allah here said in Suratul
		
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			Ahaza.
		
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			So the word is a strike and the
		
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			Rasul Ahazam
		
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			explained it, now I've come to it when
		
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			I come to the sunnah,
		
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			but what did Allah said also in Surat
		
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			Al Azaab?
		
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			And those who harm
		
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			believing men and believing women,
		
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			both sides,
		
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			for something other than what they have done.
		
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			So what did she do? She did not
		
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			cook very well and then he gets very
		
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			abusive,
		
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			right? He did not come on time to
		
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			the house and then she becomes very abusive,
		
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			that's hurt.
		
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			This is for both because Allah hears
		
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			and please read this verse, Allah puts believing
		
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			men and women.
		
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			Those who hurt
		
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			believing men or believing
		
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			believing women for no reason,
		
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			no reason,
		
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			and if you look back,
		
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			those of you who may be involved in
		
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			this, if you sit down with couple
		
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			or talk to one of them of domestic
		
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			abuse and you really when they are calm
		
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			and you go down, down, down, down, down,
		
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			you find that
		
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			things are,
		
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			I mean, I wouldn't say there isn't majors.
		
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			There are sometimes majors but there is a
		
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			lot of it is simple,
		
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			that's not worth it. This is haram.
		
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			Hurting, believing
		
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			man or a woman is haram.