Haifaa Younis – 10 Parenting Strategies to Raise Muslim Children in Uncertain Times
AI: Summary ©
The uncertainty of the future presents challenges for parents and children due to the COVID-19 pandemic, including struggles with parenting and the importance of being mindful of one's children. The importance of teaching children about Islam, age, and the "weird" of life is emphasized, along with the need for parents to be mindful of their children and avoid cutting parents off. The importance of parenting is emphasized, and children are taught how to handle challenges and handle situations.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillah your Walkman your
Samadhi Kumar from tilawat occur to smilla 100 level salatu salam ala rasulillah while he or Savi woman wala maalim knmi and fowl now one fan habima alumina in a casimiro module we'll do our nonlinear although we can rely on our calvia Sha one FC Latisha our da e SMA. Robin Allah was Apollo bene bad is ready to now have an amulet on Karama in our hub. Probably strategies solder us Sully Emery was one of the 10 melissani of Coca Cola Jambi. I mean, welcome to our Tuesday night program, inshallah everyone is in the best health and Eamonn and we chose a topic that is extremely relevant and extremely close to home as we want to use the word. One of the most common questions. I think,
almost every caller to Islam, or everyone
who works in the path of calling to Allah subhanaw taala the most common questions you get from woman specifically or from parents is what do I need to do to have my children raised up in the best way I can pleasing to Allah subhanaw taala and another thing these days that we are living in a days of full off as the title tells you, full of uncertainity full of trials, fitna tabulations tests, how do I protect my children? What I need to teach them, or as the title says, what are the strategies that I need to implement in my home, that I will do my best to implement them in sha Allah by Allah is will this will bring fruits and my children will be raised up and it will come out
as Allah subhanho wa Taala would like them to be and it gives me a great pleasure to have our guests and today's system new hacia Gary, she's joining us from California, and I will let her introduce herself sister no Hodges Akela here for joining us a pleasure to have you with us. And it's extremely interesting subject I am the first one left to listen to this will miss
Santa Monica, Dr. Haifa and everyone who's listening to us. Zack law here for inviting me to talk about a topic that is very dear to my heart. I love talking about parenting. It's my passion. So
so thank you for doing that. And to introduce your attendees, I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and practice in
Newport Beach, California. And I am also a certified lead trainer and positive discipline philosophy for
for, you know, basically parenting and also teaching teachers how to deal with their students in a positive way. And the positive discipline way. Much on what about how can you fix your camera a little bit?
Oh,
I don't know how to fix that. Honestly, I know it's part of my part of my laptop.
If there is anyone that anyone can have a suggestion I can do I can do it.
And maybe focus on what to say.
Okay,
so I figured maybe we need to start maybe talking about what are some of the worries that parents have nowadays?
And you know,
so and I'm sure you Dr. Haifa, you actually interact with a lot of families so maybe what have you heard from them that is worrying for them.
The most important the most common thing that I hear whether it's for boys or for girls is how do I What should I do? That I when I am in front of Allah spawn Tyler, I will say Allah, I did everything you want me to do, and then my children will come up 10 or 2015 years from now that they are pleasing to Allah pantalla their focus is to please Allah, Allah, they are successful in this life. I actually I want to allow me, I love you chose the title, which I really love.
That is the uncertainity that you think you're a mother you want to throw, what is the answer to this to these days.
So coming from the perspective of a therapist and talking about the issues that I see in my office.
So um, so my experience is, you know, informed
By, you know, people I work with.
So, so right now a lot of parents are so worried about a wave that we are seeing in our community with our young people unfortunately deciding to leave Islam in one way or another.
So it could be leaving Islam completely, it could be just that they're not practicing it just like it's very palpable. And people are,
are noticing that. The other worry and concern that parents are also struggling with is the issue, especially in the US about gender identity and sexual identity. And this is also causing a lot of problems. This is causing a lot of problems for within many families in our community. Unfortunately. Now, these are the things we were experiencing or struggling with before COVID hits hit. And now with COVID-19
we're hearing
different struggles, were hearing like kids being anxious, they are concerned about their parents dying, they're concerned about their loved one dying there.
The world has changed for them from the way they know it. And of course, there are parents who are worried about their livelihood, they are worried about even making and speed and Smith. So there are a lot of uncertainties going on right now. And and sometimes parents themselves, they don't know how to handle these issues for themselves as adults. and by extension, then they don't know how to talk about it to their kids, or how to handle it. So this is kind of like where I was coming from with the title. Absolutely, absolutely. Subhan Allah.
And I used to say this 10 years ago and you probably 1015 years ago, the common questions we used to get as people who work for the sake of Allah for mothers is like my son or my daughter may be marrying a non Muslim, it used to be huge. You don't hear this anymore. The main thing is they don't believe in Allah, or they are absolutely leaving, or they are
doing things which we have never even thought about. And I'm not talking about only the Haram things, but even the thinking about the sound has changed. So if you want to tackle one by one, which one you want to go first, the COVID the the anxiety the depression, the fear, the uncertainty of the future, or you want to go with the leaving Islam the toughest one. So actually, I'm not gonna address the these issues right now I'm just gonna talk in general about what can parents do in order to help their children become resilient, or become stronger in handling uncertainties? Because if I'm gonna, I'm gonna say one sentence also about this, this idea of uncertainty.
Uncertainty is also uncertainty about what's going on what's going to happen, okay, is I is I'm going to posit the idea that it is,
it is, if you will, a human construct in terms of we we tell ourselves that life should be certain.
Even though Allah subhanaw taala has not told us that life is going to be certain. And because we have this idea that life has to be certain, my expectations have to be fulfilled, or life has to unfold, the way I expect it to unfold. Then when it doesn't happen, we we feel threatened, we become restless, and we begin with there is a lot of anguish. And I want to posit, also, in addition that,
unfortunately, with the increase in technology, and the increase in knowledge, we as humans become more arrogant. And we actually think that we have more control than we actually do. I'm not saying we don't have control, no, we do but we exaggerate or magnify the control that we have. And I'm really really praying that for many of our families COVID-19 I am really praying was a wake up call and maybe reset a reset button for what is really truly important in life. You know, I was stuck in in Switzerland for four months because of COVID-19 hamdulillah Al Hamdulillah Al Hamdulillah. I was with my parents It was a precious precious gift from Allah Spanner to Allah. That, you know, he gave
me this time with my parents. So one one person at one point asked me because I was supposed to go there for only three, three weeks, you know, and then so one person asked me, he is
He said, You know, I was thinking about you, I'm like, What did you do with clothes. And you know, especially because after we went there, there was a lockdown, too. So we could then the stores were locked nothing.
And I was like, you know, so bad Allah, this COVID-19, I hope for many families made us realize that we can do with very little, that a lot of a lot of the excess, that we believe that we have to have in our life, it's actually not necessary. And so if we can go back to really, truly what is necessary, really, truly what is important, what is valuable. And in addition to the uncertainty that many families have experienced in COVID, they Oh, I heard a lot from parents about the connection that they experienced under COVID-19. Because they were forced to stay home, they had to re learn or re engage with each other, they had to reconnect. So there there has been so many silver
linings to COVID-19, in addition to the anxiety that, you know, some families are experiencing. So having said that, I you know, I there are so many strategies, to empower your children to become resilient and, you know, able to face life, but I chose them.
Go through them in sha Allah is not enough. So, the first one I
I started with is making
it this is also
you know, it's a reminder that even in our tarbiyah at even in what we are doing with our children, we also don't have full control. I work with many families who are really tested in their children. And this is one of the most difficult tests a person can have. For somebody who is religious for somebody who is practicing for somebody who loves Allah who loves the Prophet sallallahu Sallam
said, one of the worst tests you can have in life is to see one of your children either leaving Islam or not practicing or just arguing with you about you know, oh, what's the meaning of this and this is you know, this is dumb or this is very hard. And I that's why I started with da and that's why in our book minear and I, we listed the four dots in the Quran, that are specifically about children.
And my first invitation is to make sure that this is a daily word for all parents like after you pray the five prayers you actually you know, do the five the four dots from the Quran.
And sick seeks seek Allah's Allah's guidance Allah has support Allah Sophia and even if you are one of those people who are tested with your children, you know just make a lot a lot of yesterday Subhanallah I was talking to a mother who was struggling with one of her children and she called me yesterday to give me an update and
there was a turn there was you know, you know her child
shifted forward in a good way and she wasn't she she wasn't expecting that it came out of the blue for her and she said you know uh you know know how I don't know what's happened It must be the
exact so I'm assuming the first one is gonna happen I mean as well you know without reacting
to that yet.
And because some I noticed questions were coming Yes, exactly. Here you go. People on this track is like this word. So the first one is the end of software for on happiness as well as you know, Oh Allah, grant us from our spouses. Were very attina and from our offsprings prorata you coolness to our fresh coolness to our eyes, meaning children and grandchildren and all your your making dr tala tala that this will be on overtime is something that will please you which basically please Allah, am I right? Yes.
So then we have Robbie Hubli mila danka Daria tanto Eva, it dakka dakka I think this was a courier right? And so
right?
courier was playing, and that's why it's connected with a sila. Why
rugby habibollah don't have been a hobby hablando mila dumka Maria Tompa ueber in la casa mia
In NACA semiology Allah, Grant me Satan as a carrier did not have children at.
He didn't want to be a child. He wanted to read on paper and the real is not only your children, it's all your offsprings. So your children grandchildren go to Yuba pure, beautiful, beautiful. So don't forget this one. You don't have to memorize the surah or the just the idea that Allah has given me grant me make my children the real hemangioma.
Rubbish on him Okay, masala tea woman Maria ta
da I think this was a bra him maybe. Yeah.
So that's a Brahim the page before the last Wednesday evening Ibrahim is saying Tomas pantalla I am leaving my family in a place where there is nothing right Rob banner the banner Arabic
see it again
be Johnny Murphy masala tea
at the end when he said our beanie has come to mean the reality I made my family I love them here place nobody right and then he said January Maki masala number one you're making for yourself
My children are not working
and and woman the reality it's so beautiful that no Yani and also for my diarrhea and no they will be more creamy Salah Yanni just yeah.
You have so much earlier in the season as a career. So
you have sought ITIL for upon at the end. And the first one. The first one is one of this one This took off. And this is where Allah Allah compares the two, two types of offsprings to I mean this the description of suvretta about these two families, one family with a with an offspring who would you choose the age of 40 and he recites this door I'm gonna say to you right now, but a lot compares it with the other family. I mean, I just my heart breaks every single time I read the other the description of the other family because the parents are saying way like Armand Yeni just it's such a strong strong description and for or how we Some are feeling nowadays
about their offspring who are coming and being arrogant and saying you know, we don't believe in this so the rub biasanya notch cronometer keleti Antalya, Walla Walla de wanama, la sala hunter da will also give you the reality it took to like
this is one of my favorite dots. And it's, it's like comprehensive, it has so many different things and it and it has the whilst leave you the reality. So when you when and this is the only age actually mentioned in the Quran sort of I put for you the verse sort of second page for those of you to second page and you will see when a human being reached to age 14 that's the only age mentioned in the Quran because that's the age of maturity that the age where Subhanallah you know this is the highest rate of divorce is in the 40s because the human being is that sits reached where you want to reach you reach your career, you have children you got married, and then you find your empty, you
have everything and nothing else to do Allah reminding us had a
big journey. He Allah helped me and remind me as karunya Metallica to be grateful to everything you gave me that must occur
while every day that you gave me this number and you gave my parents a child like me was leafy the reality he didn't say give me righteous he said rectify them
meaning they could be not the best but Allah is capable of changing the
law is really nice. And if I may I'm gonna also emphasize since you mentioned the age of 40, the age of 40 is from a psychological point of view is also an age of reflection. And then this is this is young for me you know I love okay I study psychology I study counseling all this stuff and then I go read the Quran and then I find you know, I find in the Quran things that you know, Allah had talked about you know, all these years ago you know 15 years ago and then you know, maybe now maybe now psychology is talking about it, maybe
this idea that Allah is saying,
I think it no it says well, Bella Bella, but Fela
Bella?
Okay, yeah, so the age of Yanni, at the age of 40, a person is able to do the reflection is able to do and of course, people can all do reflections, but at the age of 40, it's a wide lens reflection. It's really a deeper understanding of what have I gone through in life? And where am I heading? And and this this appreciation that happens with the righteous at that time for the blessings that Allah has bestowed upon them. It's just beautiful. Yeah, may Allah make us remember this. So the first one is da supplication, I'm writing to you the numbers of the IRS and the chapters number two Yamaha Bismillah. Number two is to begin with yourself. I'm talking to the parents.
Because we as parents are the first. And we are the most influential role models for our children. So if we're talking about strategies for how to deal with uncertainties, then what are we role modeling for our children, in terms of how we are dealing with uncertainties? What are they seeing us do? And what are they actually hearing us also say?
And to be careful that, you know, sometimes parents think that kids actually don't understand or don't get, but they actually are very sensitive kids are extremely sensitive. They pick up on things, even when parents don't know I have, like, I have so many so many clients who have come through my office, and they will tell me about their parents when they were when the kids were when my client was little or young. And and the parents were fighting and or the parents were contemplating divorce. And they didn't tell the the kids because they're trying to save them. And and the client will tell me we knew when you were just they didn't tell us but we knew and so kids
are very sensitive. We need to keep this in mind. And we need to catch really ask you ask. We need to each one of us ask ourselves how do we deal with uncertainty? What do we do? Because what we do or say our kids are actually picking up on do we okay then for example, just do
what do you call it? A binge on shows watching shows all the time and kids see us all the day for example, only watching shows. What what what do we do with uncertainty? Do Do they hear us?
I had a mother the other day call me she's struggling with her daughter. She's having a very hard time may Allah subhanaw taala use her struggles and use the struggles of every single parent who are struggling with their adult children. So anyway, so she she just heard something that really bothered her about her daughter that day. And so what she did to take care of herself she decided to go to the beach and as she's going to the beach to walk on the beach she's reciting surah Thea saying the whole time and the car came because I was like worried about her I'm like how can you be driving when you are you know this agitated because she's very agitated and she said no, don't
worry, I'm reciting guessing as I'm you know, as I'm as I'm going there so so just what what do they see? And what do they hear from you? So that's my number two is you are the role model for so many things in their lives. And
just assess what you're doing. So that's reminds me of at NASA will very often Sona officer comm one contextualize detail, do you enjoy? Or do you ask or do you call people to goodness and you forget yourself? So start with ourselves. So how do I as a human being as a mother, or as a person, as a Muslim deal with all this uncertainty around me? And the way I reflect and the way I respond, it will show on my children because my children is the lens, they are observing us a lot more than what we think. And they learn from us a lot more than what what we think, am I right with that? Yeah, absolutely. I mean it. You know, you know, I hear sometimes from my clients, and they would have
had, for example, had a very difficult childhood, let's assume, okay, and then now they're having children, and they tell me, I hear myself saying exactly what my mother told me when I was a child. And I hated that. I didn't like it. And now what
Not as stressed, I'm saying it, it's just
Okay, so strategy three, and for our viewers who probably have a very good number of viewers, if you have any questions,
go ahead and write it on the chat and we'll do our best to, to brought up the I mean, address it. So strategy through this. So three for me is connected, connecting kids with the love of Allah and His messenger.
This is very important because we want kids to grow up knowing that they are never alone, that Allah subhanaw taala even when everything else fails, Allah subhanaw taala is by their side as long as they actually seek Allah. I mean, you know, I mean, we need to seek Allah in order for him to be there for us, okay. And I, I want to emphasize how important teaching Islam through the stories like me personally as no ha, I remember reading in fifth grade the book men around the messenger in Arabic, of course, not English, because sometimes the translation kills the book. But the book in Arabic is amazing. And I just remember how loving Islam from reading about the stories of the
companions, and how much they loved Allah and how much they loved. The prophets are Salaam. Also, when I was young, there were there were really very good books written very good Arabic, about the stories of the prophets.
of good story, please even, you know, even if it's not, you know, a religious story about, like moral stories, like we are struggling nowadays with media in general, that there isn't a lot of emphasis on morality. So that's a problem, because this is kind of what our kids are exposed to. So I'm teaching, teaching our kids about Allah about his messenger, through the stories, highly, highly recommend that
connecting the blessings of our life to Allah always saying that all hamdulillah we're saying, even just saying, Al Hamdulillah, Allah, you know, has blessed us, Allah has, you know, granted us a lot of, he's very generous with us. Alhamdulillah
So,
so this is, this is an important one. In addition to this one,
I also am inviting parents to teach children to actually make the art to Allah subhanaw taala for the things they want. So we begin to establish this direct relationship between the child and Allah subhanaw taala but I'm warning against saying to the children, just make God Allah subhanaw taala and He will answer your because sometimes he is not going to answer that there are because he has something better in for you. So but just teaching them that we make, and then Allah subhanaw taala if he believes that this is fair for you, he will grant you so we start, we start this idea of shifting their focus from I get everything that I want, I deserve, I'm entitled, which is part of
unfortunately the narrative in in the US this entitlement fees, and I'm going to talk about it a little bit later on also, the other thing also, I highly highly encourage parents to do is to teach kids how to play istikhara early on, like when when kids are going to make a decision about something so you start teaching them okay, we're gonna praise the FDA because we're seeking Allah's guidance and we're seeking Allah's support and this issue so that's number three.
Dr. heifer Did you have any comments? I don't know. Did I lose you?
I'm not sure.
Can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you. Do we lose you for a while?
No, I think he did because he's not hearing me. So I have firm strategy so far. We have to
start with yourself. And then we have connect your children with a loss pantalla and number four, teach the children themselves to make the draw and make the staccato or fifth istikhara know the staccato are part of loving Allah. They're all part of you know, the connection with Allah subhanaw taala. Yeah.
Okay. So far. Yeah. So the fourth one is actually
making sure that we are teaching our kids
In practical terms about the belief in kata, and
this is a part of Eman that unfortunately I'm noticing that even with adults,
the full understanding of coda and other is is not very solid. And it is it is at the core of whether we can handle uncertainties with calmness, or we're gonna become anxious and we're gonna become extremely agitated when we are dealing with uncertainties.
As such an important piece of life that I am unfortunately, noticing that many young adults are not actually exercising their belief in product. And I'm connecting it also to what we said earlier about, with the advancement in technology advancement in knowledge, we become arrogant, and we think we are in control. And we don't believe that we need Allah and we don't we lose sight of Allah subhanaw taala and where he is in action in our life on a daily basis. And I pray that COVID-19 is is an a beautiful example of the product or color of Allah, where we had no control and and look at us living in the US, which is supposed to be like highly, highly advanced, and everybody in the
world is just amazed at the failure of the US in handling the COVID-19 crisis.
So a couple of questions, which I had and also on the chat, at what age and how do you teach this a 40 year old and a 10 year old and a teenager? How do you choose the merkabah or other impracticality? Okay, so one of the one of the first my first ways of teaching them about Kadapa is talking to them about the death of their loved ones. There are many families who actually hide this from the children because they don't want to share they want to shield them. But if there is death in the family, we need to really let the children know we should not hide it from them. Okay and we talk about this as part of the podataka of Allah subhanaw taala. Another way is, like I was saying
earlier about making the job, when we teach the children to make the art and we say we also attach it to you make the dogs Allah Subhana Allah to Allah and Allah if Allah things this is here for you, He will make it happen for you. So we had already introducing this idea that there is there is a will, that is above ours. And this is where it needs to come into into our daily life. there I'm sure there are many examples in our daily life where we plan something. I'm sure every family has a story to say we planned this and then it didn't happen. So what do we say in that moment? What do we say to the children? Like we were planning to go we were planning to go to a party, and then the car
broke. Okay, so we planned Allah subhanaw taala has, you know, has willed that we're not going to go to the party because the car broke, it's okay. And we need to we need to really start introducing this idea to the kids that when things happen against what they want, it is okay. It is okay and we start talking about how for example sickness is to horse a horse how sickness is could be for people who actually bear it with patients and with acceptance from Allah subhanho wa Taala it could be a way of bringing us nearer to Allah subhanaw taala there are many opportunities out there couple of this is very interesting subject because we are getting a lot of comments so what we start now
really because this is really interesting and we didn't need to start applying this in our homes but the only legitimate question at what age you introduce about mother to the trial at f5 whenever whenever you will you believe that you know the children has some understanding of Allah some understanding I'm not saying a full understanding like I have I have a four year old grandson I have almost to be five year old grandson I would be talking to them about but the other I'm not gonna use the word cada Okada with them because those are two big words. But I will talk about the will of Allah. And I will talk about the plan of Allah and how we we do and I will always always emphasize
we do our part. And then we leave the rest Allah subhanaw taala because I don't want the children to understand from coda or other that we are passive people.
And we just wait and we do not gonna do anything and we're just gonna wait for the Kodak Kodak know, from an early age we need to talk about our responsibility is reflect and think and decide what we want to do go after it but then we leave the rest of the last panel tie because we don't know
for what I was thinking about the age is the Hadith come to my mind when I was when I saw to Salaam taught us when to start talking to our children about Salah
is like what what did what the ages he chose, he chose seven and he chose stem, which is actually not puberty and most of the time, maybe some girls but most of the boys by 10 they are not. So in the physical they call a similar Tamizh and they tell you this is one of the reasons why or slowly sotto Salaam started introducing it at this age. So seven, the child's nerves may be basic, but he knows right from wrong at the time. He knows what display mean. He knows when you're going to take something from him. So I will think probably by seven you start introducing it gently and something for example. He lost something and then you're gonna say you know what, so pan Allah, Allah is in
control Allah Subhana Allah decide that this will go. Then the next question came in, which is also why how do you if the child say why this happens?
Why Why did I chop? Well, why did I lose this? Or why why did this happen? We
were just gonna simply say, we don't know. We really don't know there are many things that happen in life. We as adults, mature adults, older adults, we don't know. And we need to, we need to introduce our children to this idea that we do not know the hikma of Allah subhanaw taala in many things, it's okay. It's okay.
Okay, so we need to start early, actually, because this is what go will go on every time it happens that Griffin is the frog moment and remind them because this is exactly daily. Yeah.
So
yes, so I would this idea of cada Okada is I'm emphasizing that we do not shield children from life, we do not protect them from knowing what is going on. Of course, we we share it with them according to what they can handle, but we do not chill them completely. I had I had a client one time, who at the age of eight, her father died. And nobody told her. Nobody told her, okay, and she she knew at some level that he died, okay. But nobody sat down with her and told her, you know, your father has died. And and to be I mean, what we're doing is we're robbing the children from, from observing how adults handle these situations, because this is how children are going to learn. Okay, I learned
like me personally, I'm gonna talk about me, when How do I learn how to how to grieve? Or how do I learn how to handle that, I look at my parents, how they handle the death of their parents, I look at my parents how they handled the death of their siblings, or, you know, their loved ones. And I learned from that, and, and hamdulillah I had handled Alhamdulillah I had great parents. I learned from them that even in this this moment, the darkest of moment, we still can be calm, we're gonna be sad, we're gonna be sad, we're gonna cry. We're gonna feel down for a bit, but life goes on. And I, you know, these are life lessons we need to teach our children
you know, through action, not through lectures. Did you get this question, which is, did any of the children asked you why did we get COVID?
any of my children?
Yeah, I'm sure there are parents who got this question from from their children. And this is an, this is an excellent opportunity to talk about the coda encoder of Allah and explain how our knowledge is actually limited. Because we think our knowledge is really wow. But COVID I hope that COVID COVID is really bringing us to humility, and really to appreciate the power and control of Allah subhanaw taala so just simply say, you know, I mean, you know, Allah subhanaw taala has ordained that we're going to have COVID and this is what we're experiencing, and we need to find strength in ourselves in our communities and how to handle situation and seek, you know, seek the
sustenance and support of Allah subhanaw taala I probably that's a young boy said
No turn, bring them to something simpler. Something they know is like the last part number one, talk about Allah. Allah is Rahim Allah is very merciful. Anything comes from Allah is good, but sometimes we still don't know. And then like you have flu, and you have fever, why do we have that? Why do we get out stronger from that in this way, but explain it in something they see around them to become easier. And again, as you said, I number one, as an adult, to understand why Allah gave me COVID why Allah gave the earth is COVID and then make it simpler to the children hamdulillah how blind
we are for abakada videos. So now number five is life messages. What are the life messages we are sending to the children so and this one in particular, I just want to highlight within the US there is a lot of emphasis on
life is about being happy.
And and and unfortunately, this doesn't align with our Islamic view because Allah subhanaw taala and the Quran doesn't talk about us being happy on this earth. He talks about us, he talks about to me I love this idea and Surah Al Balad welaka kolok. Now in South Africa,
we have created humans in constant turmoil in constant challenge in constant struggle. This is the state of how our life, Allah created life for us. So if we come from that perspective, if we come from the perspective of life is difficult, life is full of challenges, then when we faced challenges and difficulties, we're not going to go like, Oh, poor me. Why is this happening to me? No, I should be happy, I think should be smooth. And, you know, so changing the life messages.
And again, you know, when things when when things happen talking about It's okay, you can you can handle it, you can face it.
And
oh, yeah, so I have a story about this one, too, because I,
I used to do, I used to do counseling for little kids and Ella elementary school and Garden Grove in California, as part of my training. So anyway, one day I go, and the principal says, No, hi, there's this girl that you have to have to see today. I say, okay, what's happening? And he goes, like yesterday, or I don't know, two days ago, she was in a car accident. And her cousin was sitting next to her in the car, and her cousin died in the crash. And we're talking about a girl who was only in fourth grade. Okay, so fourth grade is maybe what, eight years old? Something like that. So, um, okay, I said, Okay, so I'm expecting to see somebody who's devastated. Who is really, you know,
confused and lost. This is what I'm expecting. She comes in, very calm. And we start our session, and we talk about the accident. And I talked, I talked with her and how are you doing? And what do you think about what's happened? And this is what she tells me. So she comes from a Catholic family. She says,
you know, my cousin, she went to heaven. She's a bird in paradise.
And my cousin is okay.
And we are okay. And this this is what I talk with. This is what I mean by what life messages are we sending to our children? So are we when things are happening going? Oh, Allah, what why did this happen to me Allah? Why are we going La La La quwata illa de la la, in La La, la arogya on, I'm really sad. I'm really you know, disheartened, but Allah Subhana. Allah knows best. What are we saying? And what are we doing? Because these are the lessons that our children are going to take from all these situations that we go through. So again, we have to start practicing that. Yes.
Absolutely is like it when I immediately I'm faced with something is my immediate response. The first thing my tongue will say about Allah Ma sha, Allah decreed and whatever Allah decree will happen, or the first thing is like, I planned it very well, but it didn't come right. And that's what my child will. That's, again, it's two things I love. This actually is number one, we have to remind ourselves, we're not in control. Our love is
In control, and this life is not here for joy, right? What is life? What does it stand teach us about life is not to have fun all the time and have everything I want. It's miserable often I feel it's the farm for the healer. And the challenges in this life is actually helps me to grow more fruits in the alcohol but I have to believe this first. And
I learned and you know, I just want to Yani encourage all of your viewers that with practice it becomes second nature. Like in the beginning, if one of the viewers for example does not practice Alhamdulillah Allah Allah Lalanne and all of these beautiful sayings that we have, if they're not used to saying it, that you can actually make it second nature by just you know, reminding yourself maybe having it somewhere and then you start saying it and suddenly it's just gonna be automatic for you. And it's so grounding.
Yeah. Okay, number six, I see we don't have so I don't know if we're gonna
go through them. No, no know we'll have part two, too just because there's a lot of comments here. And really because this is very important topic, Jackie. Okay. She said this one, if you modified it one of the
good. Okay, so this sister says I wanted through difficult times after I had my third baby. And my middle child was three and a half. And I feel great guilt because I feel I wasn't able to care for her the way she needs. She's now eight years of age.
She said she's very sensitive, and may have perceived everything I was going through. How do I connect with her a deep level, I can tell she's avoiding Subhanallah I can tell she's avoiding any serious or deep conversation through jokes and silliness. She's just blah
blah.
Okay, so first of all, you need to begin by thinking about we're talking about Kodak Kodak here. Okay. So
it was a loss decree that you had a hard time after the birth of your third child. Okay. And I think about things in terms of risk. Okay, there are there is risk in everything so how does your second child's risk at that time was what she got from you at that time? There was no way you could have given her more I know that okay, you're a mother and there is no way you would hold back what you can give to your children No mother can would do that. So I would begin by inviting you to forgive yourself first. You need to understand that that was the best that you can do at that time and living in the past is actually going to rob you of you making use of the present and actually and
actually working on the future. So I'm going to invite you to make peace with what you have what you have given her at that time and focus on now so now now Okay, you want to connect with her? One of the one of the best ways to to connect with children is to spend one on one time with them. It doesn't need to be long it doesn't need to be expensive but like deciding you know okay I don't know let's assume Her name is Fatima Fatima Habib t on Friday, I'm gonna be I'm gonna spend you know, I don't know half an hour with you. It doesn't again, it doesn't need to be a long time. And spending that time with her. Not lecturing.
And also, by the way, don't go and say okay, what are you feeling? Are you sad? Are you No, no, don't do this to your children. Okay, guys, if if you know if you can pick up on their emotion, okay, let them be. Just if you see them, for example, you think they are sad? You say I it seems like you are sad. Is there something you want to tell me? And they tell you no, just let them be. Because sometimes what bothers children is like when kid when parents are really
overpowering them and forcing them to talk when they're not ready to talk. The best way to connect with her is just to spend time with her. See what comes up. Because sometimes when you are there, things happen. You know, conversations come up. That's one. The other thing that is really, really important is to pay attention to what is she good at? What is Fatima good at and start mirroring this back to Fatima
Oh Masha Allah
you love to read Masha Allah, you have a, you have, you're very articulate and you're writing whatever it is, like getting Fatima to understand herself and appreciate her gifts. This is one of the most important tasks that parents have to do is really paying attention. And recognizing the gifts and the strength of their children, the and recognizing that each child is going to be different, they're not all going to be the same. So not to expect the same thing from all of them in terms of I'm talking in terms of achievement and in terms of skills. But of course, we need to expect from all of them respect and good manners. This is across the board, of course. So um, When
shall I hope we answered her question. I probably I'm going to read with you what she said. So power law, this is bringing tears to my eyes, does that Camilla Hyland for your precious and very much needed advice. So
tears to our eyes system.
So in general, just to summarize this, for everybody is listening to us is number one we need to get into, into peace with the guilt that we have, we didn't do enough for our children, or this is what I can do at that time. That's number one. And number two, open the bridges with her. And by lecturing, not by lecturing, spend more time with her, go out for a coffee, go out for ice cream, go out for shopping, whatever you can do for a walk and let her say and then three if I'm if I'm getting it right, figure out what is what the gift Allah gave her was gift she has different than from other, her other siblings, she could be a good cook, she can do beautiful dessert, let's just
do it and compliment her to bring back the relationship that she felt which was taken away from her because of the delivery.
Right? Yeah. And I want to also add one more piece here.
Parents you have a you, you have time until your children leave the house. So don't give up. Okay, don't give up on Okay, oh, I did this wrong. I need to change this. But now my child is you know, 10 or 15. It's never too late to start. Never too late. As long as they are with you at home, you will have many opportunities, just figure out what you need to do and go ahead and do it. And inshallah Allah subhanaw taala grant you success and tofield in what you're doing. Now will be I mean, you want to summarize the five and we'll put the next five for our next I already asking you for our next one. Because I think you're ready to give it more time. This is really helpful for a lot of
parents. So do you want to summarize the five we covered today? So the first five were mainly if you will, perceptions and framework. Okay, the next five are more practical, if you will. But because I really truly believe that whenever we're talking about uncertainties, we really have to address the frame, we really have to address the lens we really have to understand address the perception how we are seeing the world because that's at the core of the uncertainties.
So the first five we talked about making for our children to to seek the support and feel of Allah Spano tala, whether our children are doing well or whether our children are struggling The second one was beginning with yourself meaning you are the role model your kids are actually picking up stuff from you even when you don't think they are. So to be careful about what you're doing. And the third one was about connecting kids with the love of Allah and His messenger and this one is very important because some some people use Allah as a fear factor and so that's why I'm emphasizing Wi Fi I'm not saying we're gonna we're not gonna talk about Hellfire and punishment and and the Wrath
of Allah Of course we will. But let's begin with the love and focus on the love Okay, and we and and Hellfire and punishment and so on is we're just gonna talk about them but we're not gonna use them on a daily basis to manipulate children. Like we say, okay, don't do this. Allah will be angry with you. And and, and the piece that actually also bothers me is when, when parents move us, their radar like whether they are content
with their children, and they use it as a tool as a manipulation, emotional blackmail. And they say, well, Allah is not going to be rowdy on you or Allah is not going to be content with you, because I am not content with you. One of the worst things that pennants do. And then number four is the belief. And
we talked a little bit how unfortunately, I'm not seeing that this particular part of Eman is solid nowadays, and we need to go back and revisit it and understand it and apply it in our life. And number five was, what are the life messages we are sending our children in, in everything that we go through in life? So those were the five and there are five more, maybe for next time and sha Allah? Allah?
Yeah, I can't hear your doctor Haifa. I'm so sorry. I don't know what's happening. Okay, can you hear me? No? Yes. Okay. All right. So I will take one last question. Because that's also I think, relevant. We have about three minutes to go. So what should we do when they lose the house? They got married? Should we still advise them or try to correct them?
Very good question. Excellent question. And it actually depends on whether you believe your child is going to be receptive to what you're saying. Because I, I believe in order for us as parents to maintain our influence over our children, we need to be very careful after they become adults and they leave the house so some children are going to be receptive to what you have to say so go ahead and share with them but if you have already recognized that your child is resistant to what you are going to advise them on. Okay, I would actually not do that and focus on making sure we have a good relationship so that they can come to us whenever they need us and ask us for advice that would be
way better than forcing or shoving down their throat our advice and having tension in the relationship because young adults nowadays they know that they have the power and control to actually cut us off they are they're not afraid of cutting parents off and if you're cut off from their life, you will not have influence on them when when it's a critical moment so although I'm this is this is you know how I typically approach this particular point hamdulillah one o'clock is one of the questions we'll take it inshallah we promise you after I trust which system you have to so we will just tell you the date keep following us on social media we normally advertise so
inshallah Sue will do Part Two to continue because this is really very simple I personally think living in the West and even when why not living in the West system, it's actually living in I will say in this day and age where they have technology and the day off, it's me my eye and the day off. I have to have everything entitlement as you said. So inshallah, who will be part two Bismillah is Akela Hi, my lord.
Everyone, time literally flew. It's an hour already. I didn't feel I felt like five minutes.