Habib Bobat – Myth 9 The Problems Are Because Of You

			Time now for our marriage segment and today we are looking at the final myth. And that is number
nine.
		

			The myth reads, The problem is because of you,
		

			we have in all the problems in our marriage because of you. So that's the myth, and we'll be
inshallah discussing that in a short while. Just before that, let's do a quick recap of yesterday's
discussion yesterday was Myth number eight, which was I can multitask, I can listen. And I can do
other work at the same time. And we discuss why it's important to give your partner undivided
attention. A person can get really irritated when you see that the person is not giving you an
attentive ear. And then we looked at the skill of listening, how to listen, we spoke about
maintaining eye contact, don't multitask, listen for feelings,
		

			observe your body language Do not interrupt. Those are some of the broad pointers that we discussed
yesterday. While we are discussing myth, number eight. Today's one is the problem is because of you,
this is a myth, because we have to understand that problems are always rising, every now and then.
And a problem is basically a sum of two people's contribution, or even more for that matter. But
generally, it's a contribution of two people, every problem is a contribution of it from the
husband's side. And from the wife side, obviously, one party will have the biggest shame day one
will be at greater fault than the other. But each party has to understand that I'm also contributing
		

			to the problem. So each one has to ask himself or herself, how am I contributing to this problem
that we are currently facing? And also part of the solution will be How can I assist in playing my
role to alleviate the problem that we are facing. So in every situation, it is the contribution from
the power from the husband side, and then there is a contribution from the wife side, and you have
to be honest, you have to be fair, you have to be unbiased, and you cannot justify your actions. Now
it's because of you, you can play the blame game and play shifting the blame all the time that the
problem is because of you not because of me, well, you have to understand that the fact of the
		

			matter is that you also contribute to the problem. So in every situation, you have to be honest, and
ask yourself, we are facing this crisis. Now let's say for example, finances,
		

			how much of it? Am I going to take responsibility from my side, and how much of the responsibility
will be on my partner side? So when we are talking about solutions, also, we are going to be saying,
okay, from my side, I'm willing to make this change. And from your side, inshallah, I'd like to see
that change coming about. So that's how you solve problems, it's a must to think that the problem is
only one sided. It's not only one sided, it, it's basically multi fold. And it's multi dimensional.
So we have to keep all the angles in mind, sometimes it's two people contributing to the problem.
Sometimes it's more people, but in general cases between husband and wife, it's just the husband
		

			side and the wife side. So we have to understand, in order to alleviate the problems in our
marriages, we have to play our roles in it, we have to ask ourselves that, what am I contributing to
this problem? What is my share of the problem? And what is the share of my partner, if you are fair
in that regard, then I can safely say that you will be able to solve your problems amicably. But if
you are going to continuously say it's because of you, guys, you you the problem, you know, you you,
then unfortunately, you will not be able to solve any problem because it's going to become about me
and you instead of us. So when we put our partnership in front, both partners are willing to take
		

			the responsibility of the problem. And both partners are equally working together to alleviate
whatever grievances they have between the between themselves. For example, the finances issue our
speaking about early on. So let's say there's a there needs to be a cut in the in the finances
because of the tight situation. So the husband can say, okay, from my side, I can cut down maybe on
certain of these expenses, the wife can say yes, I can also cut down on certain of these expenses. I
think from my side because of these habits of mine. We the the the battle, the budget is taking a
strain. And I think this is my share of the problem. So in that way, both partners are taking
		

			responsibility. But if you say no, it's because of your spending habits. Yeah, you you You're the
one that's fault, at fault, then you're not going to get anywhere with those kinds.
		

			have arguments and those kind of quarrels. So we have to understand in life in essence, in simple
words, if I may put it for you, that they are the problems are always multi dimensional. There's
certain factors that we have taken mine, and that is my shape to the problem and you're shatter a
problem. How much of responsibility Am I taking? And how much of responsibility Are you taking, and
in that we have to be honest, we have to be fair, we have to be unbiased,
		

			to ourselves and to our partners. If we have that inshallah, that relationship will flourish.