Habib Bobat – Myth 3 A Good Partner Always Agrees With His Or Her Spouse

			You want to move on a copy bow, but
		

			it is part three of our marriage segment and today we are going to be dispelling another notion and
another misconception in the marriages. Yesterday we discussed it a good partner does not express
anger when he or she is upset. And we spoke about why that is not the right approach in the
marriages. And we spoke about it being unhealthy, because it makes people bottle up their feelings.
And eventually, they end up resent they become resentful towards the partners. And they emotionally
withdraw from the pier from the partners because they are unable to express their feelings. So we
spoke about the importance of creating the environment of both partners allowing themselves to
		

			express their feelings no matter how they are feeling, we are not going to judge them, but we are
going to allow them that room and that space to express themselves. Today's myth is
		

			a good partner always agrees with his or her spouse.
		

			A good partner always agrees with his or her spouse.
		

			Now, this is also another misconception. The reason why it's a misconception is because when you are
newly wedded, you see that whatever my spouse says, I think I agree with him or her. Because that's
how we show love. And if we don't agree with each other, that means we don't love each other. And
that's how we supposed to be. But then as you go into marriage, you realize that this is not working
out. He likes coffee, and I like tea. It's not working out, I think I have to tell him that I don't
like coffee. I like tea. I think it's about time. But when they bring it up, it becomes a problem.
But all these years you never say anything. Now all of a sudden, you're changing your mind. Now it's
		

			not it's not that I'm changing my mind. It's just that I always thought it's good to agree. But now
I realize it's to my detriment, and to the detriment to our of our relationship. So I think it's
better I just tell you how I feel. So we need to understand that it's not possible for us to agree
on everything. And the reason being is that we are different in our makeup, we are different in our
thinking, we are different in whatever we do.
		

			I want you to think about this.
		

			You see, two, two siblings.
		

			Parents are the same. The home is the same, the environment is the same. Yet they both have
different viewpoints. Two brothers don't agree two sisters don't agree. Brothers and sisters don't
agree, they don't see the same point they don't see the same conclusion. So it tells me if two
brothers and two sisters cannot agree, how are you going to expect two couples, or the two
individuals who are getting married husband and wife to agree after it? If you can agree with your
own siblings? How are you going to see that work out in your own marriage?
		

			So to simplify the matter, if we cannot get it right in our own home, how are we going to get it
right outside of our home? what somebody else who's a stranger
		

			was a total stranger who have who has his or her own set of values, who does things differently? Who
comes from a different background, from a family that does things differently? And you come from a
different background, and you do things differently on your side? So how do you expect them to be
then equal in terms of their thinking in terms of their conclusion in terms of seeing things,
they're not going to be the same, they're not going to be the same. Another simple example to
understand is that
		

			we look at our fingers, not all five fingers are the same. Although it's our fingers, you've got the
baby finger, and you've got the other fingers that are different from each other, that they are not
the same. So likewise, we are not the same also well as the vicar, local. And allies emphasizes in
the Quran that men and women are not the same. We are different now. Psychological makeup. We are
different in our productive system than everything else. We are different in the way we think the
way we talk the way we grow the way everything we do, we are different. So in marriage also when we
get married, we must agree to disagree.
		

			We must agree to disagree. We don't have to agree with our spouse for everything in life. If we have
a different view, you must express it and the relationship should cater for that the relationship
should be mature enough to allow for different views. So if the husband likes
		

			Something and the wife does not like it, she must say, with all due respect, listen, I really don't
like it. Although you like it, I'm happy for you not a problem. And likewise, the with the husband,
if he sees that his wife likes something, but he does not like it with respect and dignity, you can
disagree, but you must allow for this nature to to blossom in the relationship. If it's going to be
I said, we're going to eat at this restaurant finish,
		

			then that makes it very difficult. It then you're ruling with an iron fist. And then you are ruining
your your relationship. So to have a healthy relationship, you must allow for this agreement, you
must let the opposite person express their views, even if you don't agree with them, but just let
him speak. That's all. So allow people to disagree with you agree to disagree. If you're able to do
that you are telling your partner, I respect you. I allow room for your opinion. And you don't have
to agree with me on on matters.
		

			It shouldn't be blind. You shouldn't be following your partner blindly. You know, like now they go
out there and say can you see the moon? And then you say yeah, haha, look at all the stars also,
they so bright. Who are you fooling?
		

			You don't have to agree for everything in life. Although you have your own view, you respect your
partner insha Allah. So what do you do then?
		

			You allow for disagreement. Allow your partner to express the views. And you don't get personal.
Don't take it personal, or you don't like it how I did. Okay. Okay, yeah, okay. Now, don't take it
personal. And don't reach your own conclusions, let your partner have his own view and let her have
let let her have her own views also. So if you allow for this, for this,
		

			this agreement in the relationship then inshallah you'll see you'll be have both parties will be
happy. Because if you don't, then they'll be frustration. So that's an important thing for us to
understand. The math that we are discussing today. A good partner always agrees with his or her
spouse. That is a myth. There is a misconception there is a misunderstanding, and that's not going
to happen. So rather allow, allow room for this agreement, agree to this agree with dignity
inshallah, if you are able to do that, I promise you, you'll have a healthy relationship, and you
will be able to move forward. And like I said, you don't have to agree on her point or your point,
		

			you can meet in the middle. And in that way we can solve our issues in sha Allah.