Habib Bobat – 10 Things to Know Before You Remarry

			When considering a marriage either in the case where a person loses their partner or either after
divorce, there are certain things to take into account. The first thing is to not rush into a new
relationship until you have not sorted yourself out. Many times people rush into a second marriage,
just to prove a point to their ex. And to say that look, I've moved on in my life, I've settled
down, I'm having a wonderful time, it's you that suffering.
		

			Well, that's not the right intention to go into marriage with. Because if you go into marriage,
where you have not sorted yourself out, you are setting yourself up for further troubles. So don't
rush into the marriage. Take your time, four months, five months, six months, seven months, even if
it is a year or two that you need to take to sort yourself out. But rather settle the current issues
first, before you go into the next marriage, otherwise, you are looking for problems. The second
thing is when you are settling down for the second time, it's not just yourself, you must take into
account your kids.
		

			It's an emotional roller coaster for them. Also, the whole idea of settling down with somebody else,
the whole idea of sharing the space with somebody else, the whole idea of calling somebody else,
mommy or daddy, it's totally new for them. So be easy with them. Go slowly with them, introduced the
idea of a new partner in your life slowly take them slowly through the whole process. The third
thing to keep in mind, and that's the most important and the most critical thing. And that is to
have open communication before you settle down. So when you see each other for the first time,
		

			play open cards mentioned what are your problems? What are your concerns, mentioned what you are
experiencing at the moment, so that when you do settle down, you don't have major issues. I'll share
with you the example of the Prophet sallallahu. He was salam in almost cinema of the Allahu taala,
our beloved mother, when she lost her husband, then a B of allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
proposed for her. When he interacted with her for the first time, she said I want to be of Allah.
Look, I don't mind settling down. But there are certain things that I want to make clear. The first
thing she said I want to be of Allah. I'm a lady that's advanced in age. Secondly, she said, I want
		

			to be of Allah. I've got kids, I've got young kids. And thirdly, I want to be of Allah. I'm
extremely sensitive. What we learned from her is that she's been open. This is a lady who was
married previously. She knows what marriage is about. She knows exactly what you want from a
relationship, that we have allah sallallahu alayhi wa salam responded by saying, your first issue
that you are advanced in age, I'm no younger. I'm also getting older by the day. It's not like I'm a
young man. I'm also old in age. The second thing you said you've got kids, your family is my family,
I will be their father. And the greatest concern that the mother has, even when she's settling down
		

			for the second time, is that what's going to happen to my kids? Will this man treat my kids like his
own kids. That'd be if Allah gave her the assurity therapy of Allah gave her the comfort that I will
treat them as my own kids. And they are narrations that comes afterwards with an A B, if Allah would
make tarbiyah the proper upbringing of the children, like couldn't be a Munich, call me some Mila,
that advising her children. In this case, you would say advising his own son, he would say to her,
eat to the right end, to the right hand, read the name of Allah and eat what's in front of you. So
this is taking her children as his own children.
		

			The third thing she said only be of Allah, I'm extremely sensitive. She's making reference to the
point that I want to be of Allah, you have other wives already in your marriage. I'm a person that
sensitive, that maybe of Allah salAllahu Alaihe Salam said, I will make dua to Allah that He removes
the sensitivity of yours. So what I'm highlighting here is that these are two matured individuals.
Both of them have been married before they are going into a new relationship. And both of them have
been open and having an honest discussion. What I've picked up is many times people do not disclose
key information when they want to settle for the second time. Either they lie about the finances.
		

			Either they lie about the background, either they hide the fact that certain of their children might
be facing challenges in their own lives.
		

			So, there's a lot of information that is not disclosed at the time of the proposal, when they are
intended to settle down for the second time. And this creates complications in the sense that when
they are married, the man or the woman is suddenly taken by surprise that
		

			I did not expect this, or I thought, I thought that this was addressed or this was sorted out. The
other thing before you settle down and before you get married, is to do a reference on the person,
whether it's a he or she. And once one good starting point is to ask for reference from the previous
partner. Sometimes they will exaggerate, sometimes they will give a false view of the entire
relationship. But you can pick up certain pieces of information which could have a certain degree of
truth in it, obviously, every person is going to present their own version of what happened in the
previous marriage, but you will get a sense of what was like in the previous marriage. The other
		

			point to consider is that look, when you get married for the second time, there will be certain
insecurities.
		

			Depending on what kind of relationship the person had in the first marriage, if a person had trust
issues, then probably in the second marriage, they would be grappling with trust issues. Also, if a
person had a certain scenario that they experienced in the first marriage, they would be scared, and
they wouldn't be vulnerable as far as that particular issue is concerned, even in a second marriage.
But that's not to be worried about because you can work through those issues, you can work through
those problems, it's very important to keep that in mind. The next point to keep in mind is to go
into a second relationship with a positive mind with a positive outlook to make dua that inshallah
		

			things will work out. And Alhamdulillah, we've seen many, many great marriages. The second time
around, we've seen great couples, you've seen great marriages. And we've also seen great homes being
built the second time around. The other point to consider is that you are coming into the marriage
with your kids, he is coming into the marriage with his kids, naturally, there's going to be
tension. And every party is looking out for their own children. What we need to understand that now
his children are my children. And that man who is married, you should also say that your children
are my children. Until you don't change that mindset, you're always going to have problems in the
		

			marriage, you'll have petty issues. Why is it that you go to your son first, or you're attending to
your daughter, first, you're not seen to my kids, or my children or my son, these issues do tend to
come up from time to time. So you got to have an open communication with regards to these issues. An
important point I'm going to stress and highlight here. And that is open communication, open
communication, open communication, there is going to require greater effort in this relationship,
because of the dynamics because of the different issues. But as long as you have an open
communication between each other, and you continue to discuss matters amongst each other, you will
		

			not go wrong the ex if there's kids involved, obviously, the ex would want to see the kids. So yeah,
also you need to set boundaries, you must have the discussion that look, your wife can come and see
the kids or your previous partner, whoever he or she may be, they can come to pick up the kids. But
we're going to have this arrangement for example, when we call your ex, it will always be on
loudspeaker. We will be in each other's company. Second will be formal, extremely formal with one
another thing that I've picked up is when people have divorced and they move their own ways and
people have settled down again. They still tend to have a very friendly informal relationship with
		

			their ex and this troubles the current partner this creates insecurities. This creates uncertainties
that is this person still busy? Or is this person still entertaining the thought of the previous
relationship. So when it comes to the x, you must have open communication you must say will have
boundaries. Your husband or your ex wife. They can pick up the kids but it will be when I'm around
number one. Number two is a call it will be on loudspeaker number three.
		

			If there's a an urgent issue or pressing issue, you will inform
		

			Amir alert me before you get attending to the metal, as long as there's open communication. As long
as you are having this open discussions, you can make it work. Remember, second marriages can work.
But it also requires greater effort. It also require requires greater tolerance, because you've got
different dynamics at play. It's your kids, her kids, it's your family, her family. It's the issues
of the past that you are coming with into this marriage and the issues of the past that she's coming
with into this marriage. So there's a host of issues that you need to deal with. But with open
communication and constant discussion, you can get to a healthy relationship. May Allah subhanho wa
		

			Taala bless us all. May we take lessons from the lives of the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam in the
Sahaba or the Allah and I know who also in similar situations, to what we find ourselves today. And
remember, go with a positive mind. If you go with a positive mind in sha Allah, you won't go wrong.
May Allah subhanaw taala bless