Fatima Barkatulla – Raising Believers #02 – The Role of A Mother in A Household

			Assalamu alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh and welcome to episode two of raising believers. I'm
your host system Sabre and today I am joined with SHA Fatima Baraka, Tula and palha. In this series,
we are discussing some of the ways in which we can raise strong and firm believers. In the last
episode, we discussed the importance of being a righteous person yourself, and the importance of
having a vision and making dua for your children. Okay, so let's go straight into one of the next
ways in which we can hope for righteous and firm believers. How important is the role of a mother
and the love that she instills in the home Subhanallah you know, we're living in a time, especially
		

			because of the second wave of feminism, which was during the 60s and 70s, that the message has been
ingrained in society that our mother is interchangeable. You know, you can pay somebody the minimum
wage, right to look after your child. And that's supposed to be in some way better or as good as the
love and the nurturing of a mother. And that's completely false. It devalues motherhood. So I think
the message here is ALLAH SubhanA, Allah blessed us as mothers, to have a very unique position have
a very unique effect on our children. There's a Subhanallah, there's a psychologist Steve Biddulph,
he's written a book called raising babies. And in his book, he says, he talks about the importance
		

			of breastfeeding. And we know that in our time, that's become quite widely known, you know, breast
milk is not just food, right? It's literally passing on the immunity of the mother to the child. But
also the very act of holding the baby close to your chest, to your chest, actually makes the baby's
brain grow. And so the psychologist, the bit of interesting thing that he said, is that, if for
whatever reason, like you're not able to breastfeed, that it's so important, the mother is so
important to the child, that he actually tells mothers to bear their chest while they're bottle
feeding, and put the child child's cheek against her, her chest SubhanAllah. Why, because, again,
		

			it's not just about food, you know, people think like formula is the same as breast milk. No, it's
not just about food, it's the actual act of being close being held. We know that even carrying a
child every time a child cries, if you if you lift up that child, that child grows very secure, you
know, so the baby's brain, especially in the first year of life is growing at such an amazing rate,
that the bond between the mother and child is literally a catalyst for the growth and the stability
of the of the child's brain. It's really interesting, because a hadith comes to mind when the
process is at the best of women or those who are widowed. And we allude to qualities you mentioned,
		

			those who are fertile, and those who who are affectionate and SubhanAllah. Children, they need
certain things from their parents, mother and father. And the thing that they really need from the
mother is that nurturing quality, that love and that affection, what it does, it creates attachment.
And we find psychologists they have done so much research, that attachment really helps the child to
you know, thrive in their growth, you know, and as Fatima mentioned about the child's brain growing
and the pace in which they grow is remarkable. Zero to Three years of age. And these are the years
where Mother is usually more closer in connection because of breastfeeding or nursing or whatever.
		

			And I think when when mothers actually see this role as a role, that is a privilege for her to
engage with her child, what she's really doing is giving the child the best start in life because
the child is growing up, secure attachment with the primary carer which is the mother, but consider
that, you know, situation change because of pressure of being out or doing other things where you
detach from the child, the child is not going to be able to have that secure attachment, which will
have an impact on the child later on. That's what the psychologists they say, but Islam really
recognizes that so therefore, it enables that connection and facilitates and promotes that as well
		

			because we know that the right of the child
		

			Are these that the baby is breastfed?
		

			Now Subhanallah when the mother is taking joy in breastfeeding, and using that moment, while she's
breastfeeding, listen to the Quran going back to the heftiness theme, then imagine she's not just
breastfeeding the child milk, but she's actually nurturing the child with iman at the same time, or
even reciting. Exactly, exactly. So that time, there's so much happening, this connection, there's
that that you know, listening of the Quran and this attachment, this positive attachment taking
place? Do you think that's going to have an impact on the child as the child is growing up? Of
course, it will. But when we look at this early stage as something that can be outsourced by another
		

			nanny, you just lost that opportunity. And actually, this kind of highlights why it's important to
for husbands to buy into this as well, you know, why is it that in Islam, you know, the response,
the responsibility for financial provision, is 100%, placed, you know, squarely on the shoulders of
men, I believe one of the reasons for that is that Allah subhanaw taala is recognizing that being a
mother, you know, going through pregnancy, you know, going through the breastfeeding period, going
through labor, all of the things that we go through as mothers, the act of nursing the child,
exactly, all of these things are such a huge task, that Allah subhanaw taala doesn't want to add
		

			extra pressure on the mother to then also be the financial provider. Right? Instead, he gives us a
financial, I agree with what you guys are saying and you know, of course, recognize the importance.
But what about because, you know, we are talking about raising believers in the West? And in our
context, what about mothers that have to perhaps work? Or, you know, husbands who can't, you know,
fully provide?
		

			What, what would you say to them? And how can they still have a positive impact on their children's
lives? You know, this is a very, you know, important question, because it comes up, every time we
discuss topics like this, we have to go back to the order of priority in our life, when the child is
quite young, yeah, new non Muslim, women Muslim, and they all recognizing the importance of a child
having primary care close to them at an early stage, and you have to work out as a family, going
back to that whole thing of seeing your family as a project, there has to be a level of commitment,
okay, you know what, this period, I have to take a bit more time so that I can be more present in my
		

			child's early years, you know, period. And you as a family, you have to prioritize, what are the
needs, and needs are changing all the time? And you have to look at it? Is this the best I can do
for my child? Or can I do I think, I think a big problem we have in today's society, and you know,
as you mentioned, with feminism, as well, is that motherhood is very underrated. And so a lot of
women feel unsuccessful, or, you know, belittled as a mother and so they, you know, seek other means
of success, may that be work or whatever projects, whatever it might be.
		

			But I think, like, as you're saying, like, all of us have to make decisions right about priorities
in our lives. I would first of all, ask a sister who comes to me and says to me, you know, that I
have to leave my child, you know, especially very young baby, I would ask,
		

			is it really absolutely essential? You know, because a lot of the time, especially here in the West,
it's because we want the extra holidays, you know, it's because we want certain luxury things that
we think are important, okay, that we feel that we need more money and coming into the family. I
know, that's not the case for everybody, you know, so obviously, extreme situations, you know, there
might be some difficult decisions that need to be made. But what we're talking about is what do we
want to encourage the majority of people to do, and I think the concept of Kenna outcomes here, can
I is where you feel satisfied, and you try to make do with the means that you have. And I think what
		

			you mentioned, so important, you know, this period of life when your child is a little baby, and
when that your child is young, is going to go like the blink of an eye very quickly. And yet, it has
more impact on the rest of their life than any other period of their life. You know, subhanAllah No,
my kids are teenagers. I'm so glad that I invested those years. When I could have made other
decisions. You know, there were times that things were tough. It's not like you know, everything is
plain sailing. We had to make some tough decisions. We maybe had to not go on holiday or not do
certain things that other families were doing. But Subhanallah there's no regrets. Why because I'm
		

			reaping the benefit.
		

			fits of that investment, because that's what it is an investment. Now, now that they're older, going
back to the mother, you know, I think we need to allow the mother, especially the Muslim mother, to
have the permission to be staying at home, because that's what she wants to do and not feel
pressured to go out or do this or do that. Because at the end of the day, who are you trying to
please? Are you trying to please your Creator, or the society that you live in, because you have to
remember, when Allah blesses you with a child, that's a privilege, not everyone is blessed with a
child. So therefore, that privilege you have to take as an amine as a trust. And we know that when
		

			Allah blesses a woman with a child, then that child is entrusted to her temporarily and she has to
fulfill that trust. Because every, you know, trust will be questioned about and we know that Allah
says that, you know, every, every, every Amana that we are placed, you know, we have it on our
shoulder, we are going to be accountable for it. And that's something that we need to think about it
is really important, like you said, I think as women to change our mindset, I look at our children
as a trust as not just, I mean, they are a responsibility, but not just a chore really invest
ourselves as mothers into them and enjoy the process. And I think that what she said about the
		

			family, supporting the mother to be able to do that is really important. I just want to add that,
look, if a very difficult decision has to be made and very young children need to be looked after by
somebody else. I would encourage sisters to choose people who have a natural love for that child,
you know, so somebody liked the grandmother, grandfather, grandparents, people who have a natural
sense of love for the child, they will still be able to provide, you know, a very natural form of
love that I don't think other people can provide. I'm gonna have to cut you there and go to a break
in sha Allah Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. And welcome back from the break, we left
		

			off discussing the importance of a mother's role. Let's move on to the next two means showing your
children how to have a relationship with Allah, and the importance of giving them good role models
on palha.
		

			I think it's really important to show them in reality, how to have the relationship with Allah azza
wa jal. So when you are praying, don't just hide away and pray show that you're praying and in fact,
try to join them in your prayers. Well, when you're making dua, and you're really into your da,
don't feel like you have to hide away and you know, make die in the corner of your room. It's okay
for them to witness that. Because when they are seeing you like this, they're actually registering
something in their mind. And that will be repeated later on. And I think it's important also to
expose them to other people who are engaging in ABA and worship. So having experiences where they
		

			are in the massage with other people going to trips like Umrah and Hajj, all of these experiences is
actually helping them in building the IMA and within themselves. So use every opportunity because I
think Subhanallah everyone has something to contribute in the child that we are, like, you know, the
saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child and I think, especially in the West, where we feel
okay, everything is upon the shoulders of parents, you know, there's so much we can do. You know
what you don't have to think like this. You have relatives, you have neighbors, you have teachers,
you have your village, you have to create your village. So use every positive experience to
		

			enhance your child's teddy bear and be open to that and take advantage of it. Subhanallah one of the
things I did when my son when I wanted him to do hip, I went to the mosque, and I said to the one of
the brothers in the mosque, I said, you know, it takes a village to raise a child. And I want you to
realize that my son is your responsibility as well.
		

			That takes a lot of guts and bravery. So they actually set up his class, because, you know, like, we
kind of made them realize that actually, you know what, it's not just about us parents, this
community is raising these children and these children will be assets for the entire community.
Right. So I think with regards to this point, one of the beautiful things my mom used to do, she
used to get us all to sit together with her, okay, and then she would make dua, she would get us all
to make go out together. But what she was really doing is teaching us how to talk to Allah. And
subhanAllah you'll be surprised that a lot of young people you know, when you talk to them
		

			teenagers, for example, they actually don't really know how to have
		

			relate to Allah, how do I talk to him? And if nobody has ever taught them that and modeled that for
them, they actually won't know how. So I think it's really important as a family to come together
and make dua so that your children can see. How do I talk to this creator? Who is this creator? We
don't just teach our children to hate by teaching them the categories of hate, you know, Rubia Oh,
here a smile. That's not how children learn who Allah is. The way children learn who Allah is, is
that like a gut feeling that they have? That is nurtured by their parents. When they see you go
through a troubling time? What do they see you doing? When they see you get angry? What do they see
		

			you doing? Right? When they see you, you stumble and you fall? What did you say? They thought
they're gonna see and model right? You know, once though, my son said to me, um, you can you can
make dua that my delivery comes on time. And I said, why? He said, because when you make dua, you
know, it's answered, usually, you know, and I'm thinking it was a way to thinking and saying things
like this, because we have a thing in our family, where we discussed when others have been answered,
like family, or this is the thing that I used to make the offer, and he got answers. So he grew up
thinking that okay, you know, what do I really get answered? So he related to his, you know,
		

			delivery, he was expecting a, I think, a parcel. So he was saying, You know what, I want you to make
dua for me, and I was thinking what it's like in a repair as we get used for Baraka. And so I said
what he said, Because I'm, and he's young, you know, when he's asked me to do this, because when you
make dua, and we know that the doors of parents answered, and I was thinking Subhanallah, they know
how they make Association. And that only happens, not abstract to me. But in context, you got to
provide the child the content when you're doing it. In fact, I think it's easy as mothers and
fathers for us to kind of separate raising our children. And we teach them the LF Berta, and we, you
		

			know, send them to madressa. But then when it comes to our own activity, whether we, you know, wait
for nap time, I mean, sometimes I feel good for you to eat myself Halloween to the kids are asleep,
so that I have no distractions, so that I can pray you, you know, have my lunch and things like
that. But I think it's really important to include them in that door, I love the example of making
your mother making dua with you, because like you said, sometimes, you know, growing up, you don't
know how to talk to Allah, you know, and, you know, we have to teach our children that talk to Allah
as a friend, you know, talk to Allah, you know, as someone closest to you.
		

			And I guess that kind of plays into having good role models. I mean, first and foremost, as parents,
we are our children's role models. But what about in the community? And what what other role models
do we get for our children? You know, one of the things that I have noticed is that, mashallah,
there are so many role models around us, there are, you know, the knowledgeable people, you know,
when we go to Islamic events, you know, making that little effort to get your child to say salaam,
just salaam, when you go to, you know, a family gathering, you always would have certain positive
role models in making your child to kind of sit around them, you know, so you're always like keeping
		

			an eye on, okay, the people that can be influencing your child positively. And that you have to make
a bit more effort, it just has to come naturally. Sometimes you notice certain teachers that really,
you know,
		

			you know, influence your child in a positive way, you could be saying the same thing, but that
particular teacher, if they were to say it, the child takes it on, like, you know, did they have to
do it, so you can have a, like, more stronger relationship with that teacher and say, you know, my
child really is influenced by you. So you could get certain things through your teacher, you know,
and that would be more impactful. Because, you know, they say, familiarity breeds contempt.
Sometimes when the children hear from the parent, they think, oh, you know, but when they hear from
a person they influence, you know, and I will say, you know, as parents be very mindful of the type
		

			of influence, your child has positive ones, and negative ones, so that negative ones, you can
actually minimize positive ones you can maximize, you could be your cousin, who, you know, has that
rapport with your child, use that cousin to your advantage. It could be your siblings, it could be
your grandparents, you know, so whoever they may be used them. And also, we, of course, have the
Stories of the Prophets. We have the Sahaba as role models, and I think, look, in our times, one of
the things parents worry about is, you know, there's there are these YouTubers and they're these
influences and my child is looking up to them because they're rich, and they've got this and they
		

			seem to be having a fun lifestyle, right. So if you don't provide your child with role models, they
will be provided for them, right. So what I think we need to do is
		

			Apart from the real life role models that Intel has mentioned, make sure they know about the great
people of our history, you know, make sure they they can. And even in our times, you know, people
like Muhammad Ali, Malcolm X, do our children know about them? Have they read their biographies? Do
they know what great things this is really important to have, like you said, you know, role models
as the Sahaba The Omen what we need, but also real life figures that our children can relate to,
like, you know, the people that you've mentioned. And even, you know, as you were to, you know, you
mentioned something about the village and you, you know, you both spoke about how we have to make an
		

			effort to create that village, I would say, that's really hard in today's day and age, and that is
one of the struggles that a lot of us, mothers and fathers face. I mean, you know, the Father, he
goes to work generally, and the woman is left alone to kind of take care of her children, what are
some of the ways we can, you know, other ways that we can kind of do to build that village and that
community around our children, because it is one of the things my mum used to do. And remember, this
was the generation that came here, they were more isolated than us, you know, there was hardly
anyone wearing hijab on the streets, my mum was like one of the only people that we knew, I think
		

			one of the things she used to do to stave off loneliness and, you know, build that community. She
started inviting the neighborhood's Muslim kids to do to learn chi and Quran in our house, right? Or
she would set up a halacha or something, you know, like, sometimes you have to do something, you got
to do something proactive, it's not going to, people are not going to knock on your door, you know,
you might have to knock on their doors. But you as a woman, especially, have got the ability to
think proactively and think of solutions, think of ways of bringing people together. And when you
create that environment, even something as simple as a regular halacha in your neighborhood, for
		

			example. You'll be surprised at that sorts of people you meet, and the sort of networking you can
do. And more doors will open up in Sharla. Absolutely. But go back to basic and every single one of
us were born in a family, that family has different members. So go back to your like immediate
family, parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters and SubhanAllah. We know in our deen there's a lot
of emphasis on keeping the ties of kinship because that kinship provides that village for your
child. And when a woman is married, you have your in laws use them to your advantage your brother in
new your sister in law, they are they might have a quality a person might have a quality that you
		

			wish you want your child to have exactly. You could connect them neighbors, you know if you have
Muslim neighbors, if you have a masjid, you go to a halacha or your husband goes to the Juma that's
how we try to form the community around us and hamdulillah with with with with our deen is so
beautiful, you know, you share the same faith, then that opens the big door to create that
community. But it has to come from within yourself and you have to have that vision. I want the
community for my child because it takes a village to raise that child so I want certain members of
that village to be in that village so that I can have them as my support net. I guess the main thing
		

			to take from that is that we have to be proactive and make that effort we can't just wait you know
for things to come to us JazakAllah fair once again for joining me for this episode and insightful
and beautiful conversation we've had and insha Allah until next time, we will see you for the next
episode. Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi