Fatima Barkatulla – How Do We Inquire About A Potential Suitor for Marriage

			Okay, I had a question about how to check out a spouse for marriage, you know, what is the best way?
For us as Muslims, obviously, we don't have premarital relations, what are some of the means that we
can take to check out a spouse before marriage to do our due diligence.
		

			So one of the important things that we can do apart from obviously, meeting that person with our
maharam, you know, with our Willie, preferably, so, if you're a sister, you know, you would want to
meet that person with your father, or with your brother, if you're a brother, you would want to meet
the prospective sister, perhaps with a member of your family, it would be a good idea, maybe your
mother. And the reason for that is that, you know, our elders, they obviously have the breadth of
experience, they know, certain things to look out for that perhaps you won't be looking out for, you
know, especially if you're very attracted to somebody, you know, it's not something that you might
		

			notice.
		

			And so it's good to have the views of our elders, and for them to be present in some of the meetings
that we have with that person to ask the right questions, etc.
		

			The other thing is, what you can do is actually request references. Unfortunately, this is something
that a lot of people don't do.
		

			But if you think about it, if you were going to interview somebody for a job that you had, or
something that you wanted them to do, one of the things you do is to request references, right. And
the reason for that is that obviously, somebody who's perhaps worked with that person before or
lived with that person will have more of an insight into their personality into their character,
etc. So I think one of the important things you can do is ask them to provide you with references,
and, you know, try not for not just to be their best friends, you know, but somebody who's actually
traveled with them, or lived with them, or done business with them, you know,
		

			or even like, studied with them, you know, those kinds of things. And if that ref reference is a
Muslim, then of course, they should know, that they've got to be very, very honest, they've got to
be very honest, they're allowed to disclose any negative traits of that person as well, or any,
anything negative that,
		

			that, you know, that might, that you should know.
		

			And so they should be very, very honest. And in that case, it wouldn't be considered backbiting at
all, you know, it's something that they should do. And subhanAllah sometimes, you know, there's
certain insights that you can get from a reference that you wouldn't ever really be able to get from
a few meetings or from knowing somebody for a short amount of time or from only meeting you know,
their, their family. So I'd really encourage brothers and sisters you know, before you get married
to, to seek out references to seek out people who like I said, have either traveled or lived with
done business with studied with
		

			your prospective spouse and ask them for either a written or other type of reference.