Edris Khamissa – Pre-Marital Conversations – Episode 4

			Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. It is we on to CD four. I know in CD three, we spoke
about the actual conversations that needs to happen pre marriage. And I had so many more questions,
but we didn't have sufficient time. They wonder if I can just ask you a few more of the questions
which I feel are like, critical that needs to be discussed before the the couple embark on this
beautiful institution of marriage inshallah, asking your spouse this question, you know, if you've
done something wrong, not if sorry, when, because there's definitely going to be an instance where
either one of the spouses gonna make a mistake, when you've done something wrong. How do you feel
		

			about apologizing? How genuinely Are you able to apologize? I know people who say, you know what, I
find it very hard to say that I'm sorry.
		

			You know, what this is also has become one of the serious issues in the marriage, people say to me,
that when a wife does something wrong, she'll never say, I'm sorry, she'll never apologize, even,
you'll never even asked me for forgiveness, I'm the person always going there breaking the silence.
I'm the one taking the initiative or making the overture. And that's important, because part of
saying I'm sorry, and asking for forgiveness is what mending a relationship is about taking it to
the other level. And that's a very important questions to us.
		

			Next question is, yeah, I want to know whether the spouse is as organized as me as systematic as me,
I'm a planner, I like ordinating things. Before we go on a holiday, I want to know weeks in advance,
because I got, you know, all my steps in place. And I get very, very flustered, when things happen
ad hoc. To me, I think an important question would be, are you a planner? Or do you just go with the
flow and you know, make
		

			in the moment decisions, you know, what, I think I speak behalf of all the male species, at the most
men are like that, and women like to plan, they like to have the detail, but there has to be some
kind of compromise. And I would suggest to you that perhaps there should be a commitment on the part
of this couple that on a particular evening, say on a Sunday evening, whatever, they have assura,
they have a discussion about things about events about what's going to happen during the week or in
the week, and part of the planning, and must be that if, for example, the wife is a better planner,
I say to you do the planning. And I would support you in that way. You find that lots of people I
		

			know you speak to them, you say you know what? I tell my husband, and I have no idea where we're
going to stay. And when you land, they say this look for Oakdale, right. And we have lived like
this. And I've become used to it. And I realize this is how he does things. And but sometimes you
find now in the scheme of things, this may not be such a critical issue. But when it can become an
issue, you find that when a person is a non participant, you know, and stress and stress gets
involved. And remember, if you are a person that is a planner, the person that likes the detail, it
also happens that he raises not only your stress level, it makes you very, very agitated when you
		

			say to your husband, they are all alone in that relationship, which is not true. Maybe you're all
alone in a particular enterprise that you are participating in. And the devil is in the detail, but
the only exclusion is when the spouse has planned an exotic trip and you haven't been informed. I
don't think anybody will have a problem with that data is
		

			asking your spouse that you know, when you get upset, I know you spoke about it earlier.
		

			How do you express your emotions? I'm not talking here only about getting trust. Are you an
emotional person? How do you show love? How do you show respect? How will you show this respect
towards our children? How would you show love towards our future children? Is that a little bit too
presumptuous? Or is it an adequate question? In fact, it is also I regard this as one of the
fundamental questions. I mean, I've dealt with situations where the wife or the husband has told me
Well, I don't know if my wife loves me, she has never expressed that love for me. And I don't think
she's a good mother because she has not shown the maternal instincts that love to children. And our
		

			Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was such an eloquent exponent of that, to demonstrate it now you
find. I mean, this is an example that when he kissed his grandchild, I think it was a bedroom and
said, Oh,
		

			Prophet of Allah, I've got 10 children, I have not kissed any one of them. And they are two
variations of Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said was the fact, it is not my fault if Allah
removed mercy from your heart. The other interpretation I came across was, if you do not show mercy,
Allah not show you mercy. So expressing that love is something fundamental. In fact, what you don't
speak about are the beasts or the lolly was solemn, was a very, very romantic prophet. He was a
romantic Prophet, not speak about it. He showed his emotions, he knew exactly how to make his wives
feel good, make them happy, and smile, and so on and so forth. So I think that's an important
		

			question. Now, there may be another twist to this tail, there may be a person, you know, is wanting
to, you know, wanting to feel love for your spouse. But if that love is not expressed that far as
the wife is concerned, has never been expressed, or never even being felt. Never happened, never
happened. So I think, you know, if someone says, You know, I grew up in a home, where my mom and dad
never showed love to each other. They're very, very clinical. And, well, I don't know, I grew up in
that environment. My mom and dad never told me that they love me. They never hugged me. Now, you
find that sometimes, you know, there are some couples, when the man comes home, he might just press
		

			the arm of his wife. And that alone, is his way of telling her Darling, I love you. I missed you.
You understand? So you got to also understand people speak about the sign, love.
		

			Signs of love how you want to show it, you know, people show it in different ways. But I think the
idea of expressing it is critical. And everybody would express it differently. But again, we talking
about having these conversations,
		

			you know, asking the person, what is your one device? It could be fancy cars, it could be
cigarettes. To me, that's an important conversation, because then I realized that this was somebody
who, in this process never told me that he or she smokes. And the day after the wedding, I suddenly
realized that my new beautiful bride smokes, either I'm saying, Is it important to be honest in this
regard? You know, the whole thing is, I think as individuals, you will know, that if my wife to be
or husband to be learns this about me is going to shock us in a shock that relationship, I think
let's, let's be honest about it. So I think it's important to share that. Right. And then for
		

			example, let us say we're not condoning smoking, for example, someone else might say, you know, I
also smoke, I don't have an issue with it. Also, I'm trying to give it up. There's another matter.
So we're talking about sharing things that will shock the marriage. Yes. Correct. I think all of us
if someone says, You know what, I thought it was pity. Like I thought it was insignificant. I really
I have an issue with that. I think then you are not really you don't have your head on the ground.
You're not being realistic about it. And I think that's a fair question to us. One final question.
And this is often with young couples. An issue you know, I'm here I'm talking about, as I've seen
		

			it, after marriage rates, an issue that has been says, You know, I have all my friends and the wife
says, You know what, I have my group of friends, we do teach together we do our coffees, we go
shopping out together, should we be discussing? What is your relationship with friends? And what is
going to happen with that relationship? Once we are married three times a week, soccer matches that
you go to together? And he's going to ask what about you know, every Tuesday and Thursday that you
and your friends go out and do x y Zed? Actually, it's important. How would it enhance a future
relationship? You know, the critical thing marriage is a sacred institution, it's a primary
		

			relationship. Then what happens we're not saying that you mustn't have friends are Nabi sallallahu
Sallam also had friends. He said words to this effect, there is no good idiom that you neither be
friend or you get befriended. So the whole idea is that we need to have friends. But friends come,
you know, in a particular context, they cannot, for example, become intrusive in your marriage. Like
for example, psychologists have said that the first three years of the most critical three years in
a marriage where you get to know your partner, you get to know what makes them laugh and makes them
cry, what are the aspirations what are the ambitions and so on and so forth. It's a very critical
		

			period. So I think that has been negotiated. You know, you understand I for example, I mean, the
wife says to you, that you know, after we marry out you have nothing to do with your friends. Then I
say my baby, I don't like what I'm hearing.
		

			Yes, there has to be a compromise, right. And therefore, I would encourage you now to say this to
all of them. Now, to all the listeners, there are three fundamental things you got to introduce in
your home. Number one, develop a family routine, right? from Monday to Sunday, each day, you have
some basic things and some maybe a unique thing, then you have family values, and your family goals.
Once you have this, you're going to be in a happy home, in a functional home, but most importantly,
a home that you can call a sanctuary, inshallah quite a bit we've spoken about this in CD three, we
started with the conversations that the prospective miracle couple needs to talk about. And in this
		

			CD, we actually continued because they felt was so important, this discussion that needs to take
place. Now, the discussion has taken place, we've spoken about
		

			all the things that are important to us, you know, from both sides, the female having her questions,
the male having his questions, and discussed, as you said, Would hikma discussed in a very,
		

			in a very good manner, in a sense that, you know, it's not confrontational, we're not picking on
each other. We're not saying that, you know, you're not allowed, as you said, Just now, you know,
you're not allowed to be with your friends anymore. It was discussion, and it was negotiation. And
then in some cases, we decided, hey, this is a complete red flag for me. And then I voiced that to
the other side and say, you know, our, to me, it's really important to me, my family is really,
really important. And you are saying that once we get married, it's only us. And we you want to have
nothing to do with my family, because you're marrying me, and you're not marrying my family? You
		

			know, this is just an example I'm giving how important thing is these prospective in laws, you know,
meaning my parents and his parents as well, which should these prospective in laws be brought into
the conversation? And why? The thing is that let us say there is a third person that is engaging
this prospective couples in terms of these questions that somebody's helping, helping helping them,
I would recommend that and then let us say, there is a decision that is made to say, you know, what,
I think we can make it happen. Right? So you, you get the perspective in laws involved. Now, you
call them in, you can call them in together, if that's appropriate, depending where they are
		

			staying, then you need to discuss with them, it's very important to look at the relationship
dynamics, to understand what are the role expectations, very critical to understand, for example,
that in this particular household, you know, these are some of the rituals that take place, we have
so many members of family where the prospective mother in law can tell the the the daughter in law,
you know, what, if you're comfortable, you can call me Ma. Or she might say to that, if you got an
issue with me, talk to me directly. And I'll talk to you directly. Also, you know, what I'm saying
to you, in a nice way, you know, setting the stage a bit in a nice way, you create an atmosphere of
		

			love, and affection, everything else, you know, are you talking about this happening even before the
show? Yes, yes, yes, yes, it's important, because I think psychologically, it must make them happy.
We don't want to look for a solution after a problem, we need to be more pre emptive. Right. Now,
for example, I remember doing this with one particular prospective mother in law. And I said to the
young girl, you are going to be the second daughter in law. So you must see yourself competing in
that household. You are different, you are unique. You know, something what happens? The first
daughter in law seems to be in charge, she's a queen, and you come in afterwards, you know, you are
		

			there, you know, you're just in this RV, do it you know, the bossy type, and I'm in charge and
whatnot. It's about relationship dynamics. And I think also, you know, people must discuss things
openly. I mean, I would ask the question of the daughter in law, and the son in law, what is your
fear? Let's talk about it. You understand? And well, the mother in law, my chat, the daughter, my
check, the mother might say, you know, what, in this little section will stay with the family, we
all eat together as a family, you know, and I know that you have decided that you're not going to
work or whatever. And then if you want, I continue the cookie when you could help me, you name it,
		

			or whatever, or you know, so so we have those kinds of easy discussions, not something, but the
whole idea is to, for example, to make it a smooth transition. You understand these are the
important role players. Yes. That's why this conversation is. Okay. Well know what I'm saying. I
don't want to impose
		

			What should be spoken about because in each person is a unique thing. And each now for example, let
us say, the girl grew up, she's a single daughter, there wasn't much social interaction with the
outside world except a mom and dad. So she may not feel socially competent in a home, where there
are lots of siblings. So these are also things that, you know, she needs to realize she needs to
adapt to in and and having the conversation, she'd be able to say that you know what, I'm a small
town. And we're a small family. It's just as my mom, dad, myself, and maybe my sister, and I'm
coming into your home, I need you guys to understand that I will seem quiet. I will seem like I'm
		

			not part of the conversation. But I'm going to slow down. And you guys, because in that home, the
conversation could be a look at sulky and miserable. She is like, she doesn't want to be here.
That's important. I mean, for example, the the mother in law might say, you know, yeah, so we have
meals together. After Juma. Now she must be thinking, you know, what? And what about my mom and dad,
you know, I will also like to meals with them. So you come to some kind of compromise, without
disturbing the tradition? Yeah, I'm just saying I'm not imposing it. I'm looking at a compromise. He
says, okay, fine, then maybe on a Saturday afternoon, I'll have meals my mom and dad. So there has
		

			to be a given take Likewise, the situation, you know, because he is very traditional with us, you
know, there's both the Aedes so they should be that compromise that you know, we do breakfast deal
with your family. So we'll do lunch with this family. And that's how the negotiation happens, or we
alternate years of that kind of thing. And here again, if this conversation didn't happen, come the
night before eat. Everybody's upset, because I don't want to go there. And she doesn't want to be
here kind of thing. Also, I mean, besides the issue of compromise, let us say I was the one that
helped this young couple having this premarital conversations, I'm meeting the respective in laws.
		

			And maybe I need to spend a few moments with them alone The in laws, I could say to them, you know
what, I had a lovely discussion with your son, and your prospective daughter in law. There, she
seems a lovely person. But just a suggestion. She's a very shy person. And it seems your home is a
much more Yola. Much more outspoken. So you got to make sure that you know that the transition is
smooth, do not, you know, make it chromatic for her, in a sense, also giving them some kind of
guidance, you know, you know, what we need, Idris is more people who are able to have these
conversations with this prospective couple and their families because, as we saying, have these
		

			premarital conversations, but I'm just trying to think in the community, who I know of who does this
kind of thing. So that if there are more people, you know, available, and announcing to say, you
know what, I do this, and I'm happy to have this conversation with you. And it stays professional.
And it's not something up for discussion with other people, more young couples are going to want to
involve themselves in that. But also, in a family, maybe the senior member of both the girl and
boy's family could get involved. Am I right? Absolutely. In fact, you know, while you're talking, I
thought of an incident, I met a young couple, where the father gave his daughter a lavish wedding,
		

			he was unhappy with the choice she made. But he gave her a really lavish wedding, I met this couple,
and you won't believe it, almost everything they disagreed with. I said to them, if you both of you
came for a premarital conversation with me or anyone else, I promise you, you will not have married
each other.
		

			You know what I'm saying to you. So once the damage is done, then it's very important how you deal
with it. So pre metal conversations, discussions, and interventions are critical is a precursor for
success. It is what helps you to make informed decisions. And I think in this regard, you know, the
the senior members of families, listening to this kind of CD need to start taking action and
becoming progressive becoming proactive and says yes, guys, you guys are wanting to get married
Alhamdulillah. But let's meet, let's have this conversation. But as a senior member, I call up a
member from the other side and say, Can we meet the couple and have this conversation with them? So
		

			that we are on the same plane we have the same kind of ideas, the same kind of values, the same kind
of vision and life plans for our future? Absolutely. So the whole idea is having a shared vision,
having commonality of values in that way. You know that the
		

			inlaws home is a an extension of your own home, you become a part of who you are, and part of who
they are. And even if you're not living with the in laws, it still becomes part of your family and
part of your new nuclear family as it were. Now, my next question, Idris is you know, moving on
still with the in laws. How can these prospective in laws ensure a smooth transition for the couple?
So the conversations have happened, these premarital conversations happened with the spouse, maybe
with an elder in the community, maybe an elder in the family.
		

			We've realized it's now time to get the inlaws involved in the story. Right? How are they going to
be of assistance for this prospective couple? You know, shamima, one of the things you got to bear
in mind, one of the most difficult things is for any
		

			woman,
		

			to just stay with someone else says family, it can be very, very traumatic. In fact, I just shared
this with you. In some of my previous programs, when I met married couples, I said to the men, I
want you to keep quiet and I want the wife to tell you what adjustments she made in the marriage.
And many of them break down the cry, and the husband gets a shock of his life is I never knew this.
I never knew this. Because we are so self absorbed. We forget about the other. Now, for example, let
us say your medic in a home with they've got three or four siblings, right? So the father mother
chatty said and I'm Lila Muhammad is gonna get married to so and so person you met the lovely
		

			person? And what do you think is a family we need to do to welcome What do you perhaps need to do is
say Muhammad, you know,
		

			one of the things that sometimes you know, and I say it in a nice way, you can be very, very
boisterous and whatnot. And I'm not too sure, you know, whether, you know, initially she can cope
with this or whatever, whatever. So you look at trying to make it as smooth as possible, right at
home. So that we understand. And, for example, you might say, you know what, sometimes we do not
have our meals together. But now that mom is getting married, we want to make sure we eat together
as a family, some adjustments we have to make, like to make it easy, you know, so in other words, so
you talk about it, you talk about how to make this home a palace for this young girl, make it into a
		

			castle for her, make it so that we are not impediments. We are enablers, you know, you know, what I
usually hear is the family thing, you know, I'm so worried we got this girl coming into our family,
we so worried that is she going to fit in? Or is she going to tear the family apart? I don't think
I've heard a family say that. What can we do, you know, to get this girl comfortable in our home,
let's see what we can do. Because she's coming into our home. It's usually the other way. But
shamima I'm not saying that you got to be so radical, where you expect your own child to change the
personality, right? We're not saying all of those things, but what we are saying that you're showing
		

			some kind of sensitivity, because the girl herself, you know, inshallah she got a high self esteem
to be able to adapt, adapt and adjust in quick time, inshallah. But you mustn't be that because of
our own idiosyncrasies or personal peculiarities that we might have, that it might make a little
uncomfortable. So I think in the end, is to just have that conversation. In that way. It will make
every person self aware, and they'll show a lot more sensitivity to her. Because you have an issue
the mother in law, sometimes you can have issues with your sisters in law, you know, you might have
a sister in law, maybe Ayesha is a very pushy one, you know, she's the one that takes charge. They,
		

			she you know, and brothers understand her the mother understands. And sometimes she could be a thorn
in the flesh for the young bride that is will come there. You know, I'm seeing the importance of
this conversation in
		

			pre metal conversations, right. I'm here at a case where Alhamdulillah these conversations took
place, together with the prospective in laws as well. And they've decided to embark on this
beautiful institution of marriage and they've gotten married, what is the role of these parents in
law, now after marriage, I think after marriage, the they must not interfere in the relationship.
Now, let us say you find and our parents are very, very perceptive. You understand that sometimes
they might
		

			After say, let us say, the daughter in law, one day, she looks very down and out, you know. And so,
the mother, the mother in law speech today said Fatima yoky don't look okay, the father or mother
could speak to the Son, you know, there's something happened. So this part of the understanding that
if anything, that is amiss, we are here to support you. And you do not, like interfere without
interfering, don't interfere. Don't become overly zealous, as it were, you know, and I think in that
way, inshallah, there'll be a smooth, smooth transition. But after all, you know, you get also those
individuals, no matter how hard you try, they're never happy. They never ever happy, that's out of
		

			your control. Long As You can say that you were enablers, you made things happen. You've been
through a process of premarital conversation, you brought your kids up, right? And all of that, then
what happens after it's out of your control, but you will make sure that you leave no stone unturned
to ensure this harmony, joy in the home, that they would have disagreements, but they're not
disagreeable to each other, like shala is I just want to recap here, because you've done so much. I
want to tell you what we've done in all our cities thus far. And then you're going to give me your
very powerful ending to asset of cities, right. And in CD one we spoke about preparing children for
		

			marriage. Then we spoke about how the parents can assist. We spoke about the skills that parents
need to develop in their children, even in the children Why is youngest four and five. Then in CD
two, we spoke about divorce, we spoke about the importance of positive self esteem. And we spoke
about the role of EQ in marriage. And they I mentioned to you a scenario and you gave me a beautiful
explanation of hamdulillah. Then in series three, we went on to discuss the differences between love
and infatuation. And I'm hoping the listener identifies the difference between the two. And then the
most important part where we spoke about the conversations that need to take place between the
		

			couple, the what are the benefits of premarital conversations, and the actual questions that one
would ask the other. Then on CD four, we moved on where we continued with some of the conversations
because we felt they were so important. And then we spoke about the prospective in laws, we spoke
about the importance in this whole institution of marriage. inshallah. Now, I've come to the end of
all of this discussion, it is your parting shot on this topic. And just a little bit to advise this
young couple going forward. You know, marriage first is a sacred institution, not something that you
need to take lightly. We spend all the time in our world trying to pursue careers. But when it comes
		

			to marriage is something it's like, by the way, and we have very naive perspectives on marriage. And
I think the idea of going for premarital counseling is so critical to have the pre medical
conversations. And I'm so glad that there are many institutions and they also some countries that
made it mandatory for young people to go for these things before they marry. Because you know, they
say there are sofala shakes when there is a divorce. And in the end, you know what else sometimes
under extreme circumstances, when you can say that both you and your spouse left no stone unturned,
then we have to divorce is another matter. But today our divorces, they are so hostile, there's so
		

			much of acrimony. And I think in the end, the fundamental thing is this. You need to know why you
are marrying who you're marrying. What's your intention, and really to make a distinction between
infatuation and love and also look at what is necessary to ensure harmony in your home. So he shall
I pray that these set of CDs not necessarily a panacea, but is part of the solution and helps you
inshallah, in your home, even if you are married, to relook at your marriage, and to rekindle the
passion for this noble institution as salaam aleikum, you do not have to be a rocket scientist to
appreciate the need for premarital conversations. It's an effective antidote to the problems in a
		

			marriage.