Edris Khamissa – Pre-Marital Conversations – Episode 4

Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. It is we on to CD four. I know in CD three, we spoke about the actual conversations that needs to happen pre marriage. And I had so many more questions, but we didn't have sufficient time. They wonder if I can just ask you a few more of the questions which I feel are like, critical that needs to be discussed before the the couple embark on this beautiful institution of marriage inshallah, asking your spouse this question, you know, if you've done something wrong, not if sorry, when, because there's definitely going to be an instance where either one of the spouses gonna make a mistake, when you've done something wrong. How do you feel

about apologizing? How genuinely Are you able to apologize? I know people who say, you know what, I find it very hard to say that I'm sorry.

You know, what this is also has become one of the serious issues in the marriage, people say to me, that when a wife does something wrong, she'll never say, I'm sorry, she'll never apologize, even, you'll never even asked me for forgiveness, I'm the person always going there breaking the silence. I'm the one taking the initiative or making the overture. And that's important, because part of saying I'm sorry, and asking for forgiveness is what mending a relationship is about taking it to the other level. And that's a very important questions to us.

Next question is, yeah, I want to know whether the spouse is as organized as me as systematic as me, I'm a planner, I like ordinating things. Before we go on a holiday, I want to know weeks in advance, because I got, you know, all my steps in place. And I get very, very flustered, when things happen ad hoc. To me, I think an important question would be, are you a planner? Or do you just go with the flow and you know, make

in the moment decisions, you know, what, I think I speak behalf of all the male species, at the most men are like that, and women like to plan, they like to have the detail, but there has to be some kind of compromise. And I would suggest to you that perhaps there should be a commitment on the part of this couple that on a particular evening, say on a Sunday evening, whatever, they have assura, they have a discussion about things about events about what's going to happen during the week or in the week, and part of the planning, and must be that if, for example, the wife is a better planner, I say to you do the planning. And I would support you in that way. You find that lots of people I

know you speak to them, you say you know what? I tell my husband, and I have no idea where we're going to stay. And when you land, they say this look for Oakdale, right. And we have lived like this. And I've become used to it. And I realize this is how he does things. And but sometimes you find now in the scheme of things, this may not be such a critical issue. But when it can become an issue, you find that when a person is a non participant, you know, and stress and stress gets involved. And remember, if you are a person that is a planner, the person that likes the detail, it also happens that he raises not only your stress level, it makes you very, very agitated when you

say to your husband, they are all alone in that relationship, which is not true. Maybe you're all alone in a particular enterprise that you are participating in. And the devil is in the detail, but the only exclusion is when the spouse has planned an exotic trip and you haven't been informed. I don't think anybody will have a problem with that data is

asking your spouse that you know, when you get upset, I know you spoke about it earlier.

How do you express your emotions? I'm not talking here only about getting trust. Are you an emotional person? How do you show love? How do you show respect? How will you show this respect towards our children? How would you show love towards our future children? Is that a little bit too presumptuous? Or is it an adequate question? In fact, it is also I regard this as one of the fundamental questions. I mean, I've dealt with situations where the wife or the husband has told me Well, I don't know if my wife loves me, she has never expressed that love for me. And I don't think she's a good mother because she has not shown the maternal instincts that love to children. And our

Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was such an eloquent exponent of that, to demonstrate it now you find. I mean, this is an example that when he kissed his grandchild, I think it was a bedroom and said, Oh,

Prophet of Allah, I've got 10 children, I have not kissed any one of them. And they are two variations of Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said was the fact, it is not my fault if Allah removed mercy from your heart. The other interpretation I came across was, if you do not show mercy, Allah not show you mercy. So expressing that love is something fundamental. In fact, what you don't speak about are the beasts or the lolly was solemn, was a very, very romantic prophet. He was a romantic Prophet, not speak about it. He showed his emotions, he knew exactly how to make his wives feel good, make them happy, and smile, and so on and so forth. So I think that's an important

question. Now, there may be another twist to this tail, there may be a person, you know, is wanting to, you know, wanting to feel love for your spouse. But if that love is not expressed that far as the wife is concerned, has never been expressed, or never even being felt. Never happened, never happened. So I think, you know, if someone says, You know, I grew up in a home, where my mom and dad never showed love to each other. They're very, very clinical. And, well, I don't know, I grew up in that environment. My mom and dad never told me that they love me. They never hugged me. Now, you find that sometimes, you know, there are some couples, when the man comes home, he might just press

the arm of his wife. And that alone, is his way of telling her Darling, I love you. I missed you. You understand? So you got to also understand people speak about the sign, love.

Signs of love how you want to show it, you know, people show it in different ways. But I think the idea of expressing it is critical. And everybody would express it differently. But again, we talking about having these conversations,

you know, asking the person, what is your one device? It could be fancy cars, it could be cigarettes. To me, that's an important conversation, because then I realized that this was somebody who, in this process never told me that he or she smokes. And the day after the wedding, I suddenly realized that my new beautiful bride smokes, either I'm saying, Is it important to be honest in this regard? You know, the whole thing is, I think as individuals, you will know, that if my wife to be or husband to be learns this about me is going to shock us in a shock that relationship, I think let's, let's be honest about it. So I think it's important to share that. Right. And then for

example, let us say we're not condoning smoking, for example, someone else might say, you know, I also smoke, I don't have an issue with it. Also, I'm trying to give it up. There's another matter. So we're talking about sharing things that will shock the marriage. Yes. Correct. I think all of us if someone says, You know what, I thought it was pity. Like I thought it was insignificant. I really I have an issue with that. I think then you are not really you don't have your head on the ground. You're not being realistic about it. And I think that's a fair question to us. One final question. And this is often with young couples. An issue you know, I'm here I'm talking about, as I've seen

it, after marriage rates, an issue that has been says, You know, I have all my friends and the wife says, You know what, I have my group of friends, we do teach together we do our coffees, we go shopping out together, should we be discussing? What is your relationship with friends? And what is going to happen with that relationship? Once we are married three times a week, soccer matches that you go to together? And he's going to ask what about you know, every Tuesday and Thursday that you and your friends go out and do x y Zed? Actually, it's important. How would it enhance a future relationship? You know, the critical thing marriage is a sacred institution, it's a primary

relationship. Then what happens we're not saying that you mustn't have friends are Nabi sallallahu Sallam also had friends. He said words to this effect, there is no good idiom that you neither be friend or you get befriended. So the whole idea is that we need to have friends. But friends come, you know, in a particular context, they cannot, for example, become intrusive in your marriage. Like for example, psychologists have said that the first three years of the most critical three years in a marriage where you get to know your partner, you get to know what makes them laugh and makes them cry, what are the aspirations what are the ambitions and so on and so forth. It's a very critical

period. So I think that has been negotiated. You know, you understand I for example, I mean, the wife says to you, that you know, after we marry out you have nothing to do with your friends. Then I say my baby, I don't like what I'm hearing.

Yes, there has to be a compromise, right. And therefore, I would encourage you now to say this to all of them. Now, to all the listeners, there are three fundamental things you got to introduce in your home. Number one, develop a family routine, right? from Monday to Sunday, each day, you have some basic things and some maybe a unique thing, then you have family values, and your family goals. Once you have this, you're going to be in a happy home, in a functional home, but most importantly, a home that you can call a sanctuary, inshallah quite a bit we've spoken about this in CD three, we started with the conversations that the prospective miracle couple needs to talk about. And in this

CD, we actually continued because they felt was so important, this discussion that needs to take place. Now, the discussion has taken place, we've spoken about

all the things that are important to us, you know, from both sides, the female having her questions, the male having his questions, and discussed, as you said, Would hikma discussed in a very,

in a very good manner, in a sense that, you know, it's not confrontational, we're not picking on each other. We're not saying that, you know, you're not allowed, as you said, Just now, you know, you're not allowed to be with your friends anymore. It was discussion, and it was negotiation. And then in some cases, we decided, hey, this is a complete red flag for me. And then I voiced that to the other side and say, you know, our, to me, it's really important to me, my family is really, really important. And you are saying that once we get married, it's only us. And we you want to have nothing to do with my family, because you're marrying me, and you're not marrying my family? You

know, this is just an example I'm giving how important thing is these prospective in laws, you know, meaning my parents and his parents as well, which should these prospective in laws be brought into the conversation? And why? The thing is that let us say there is a third person that is engaging this prospective couples in terms of these questions that somebody's helping, helping helping them, I would recommend that and then let us say, there is a decision that is made to say, you know, what, I think we can make it happen. Right? So you, you get the perspective in laws involved. Now, you call them in, you can call them in together, if that's appropriate, depending where they are

staying, then you need to discuss with them, it's very important to look at the relationship dynamics, to understand what are the role expectations, very critical to understand, for example, that in this particular household, you know, these are some of the rituals that take place, we have so many members of family where the prospective mother in law can tell the the the daughter in law, you know, what, if you're comfortable, you can call me Ma. Or she might say to that, if you got an issue with me, talk to me directly. And I'll talk to you directly. Also, you know, what I'm saying to you, in a nice way, you know, setting the stage a bit in a nice way, you create an atmosphere of

love, and affection, everything else, you know, are you talking about this happening even before the show? Yes, yes, yes, yes, it's important, because I think psychologically, it must make them happy. We don't want to look for a solution after a problem, we need to be more pre emptive. Right. Now, for example, I remember doing this with one particular prospective mother in law. And I said to the young girl, you are going to be the second daughter in law. So you must see yourself competing in that household. You are different, you are unique. You know, something what happens? The first daughter in law seems to be in charge, she's a queen, and you come in afterwards, you know, you are

there, you know, you're just in this RV, do it you know, the bossy type, and I'm in charge and whatnot. It's about relationship dynamics. And I think also, you know, people must discuss things openly. I mean, I would ask the question of the daughter in law, and the son in law, what is your fear? Let's talk about it. You understand? And well, the mother in law, my chat, the daughter, my check, the mother might say, you know, what, in this little section will stay with the family, we all eat together as a family, you know, and I know that you have decided that you're not going to work or whatever. And then if you want, I continue the cookie when you could help me, you name it,

or whatever, or you know, so so we have those kinds of easy discussions, not something, but the whole idea is to, for example, to make it a smooth transition. You understand these are the important role players. Yes. That's why this conversation is. Okay. Well know what I'm saying. I don't want to impose

What should be spoken about because in each person is a unique thing. And each now for example, let us say, the girl grew up, she's a single daughter, there wasn't much social interaction with the outside world except a mom and dad. So she may not feel socially competent in a home, where there are lots of siblings. So these are also things that, you know, she needs to realize she needs to adapt to in and and having the conversation, she'd be able to say that you know what, I'm a small town. And we're a small family. It's just as my mom, dad, myself, and maybe my sister, and I'm coming into your home, I need you guys to understand that I will seem quiet. I will seem like I'm

not part of the conversation. But I'm going to slow down. And you guys, because in that home, the conversation could be a look at sulky and miserable. She is like, she doesn't want to be here. That's important. I mean, for example, the the mother in law might say, you know, yeah, so we have meals together. After Juma. Now she must be thinking, you know, what? And what about my mom and dad, you know, I will also like to meals with them. So you come to some kind of compromise, without disturbing the tradition? Yeah, I'm just saying I'm not imposing it. I'm looking at a compromise. He says, okay, fine, then maybe on a Saturday afternoon, I'll have meals my mom and dad. So there has

to be a given take Likewise, the situation, you know, because he is very traditional with us, you know, there's both the Aedes so they should be that compromise that you know, we do breakfast deal with your family. So we'll do lunch with this family. And that's how the negotiation happens, or we alternate years of that kind of thing. And here again, if this conversation didn't happen, come the night before eat. Everybody's upset, because I don't want to go there. And she doesn't want to be here kind of thing. Also, I mean, besides the issue of compromise, let us say I was the one that helped this young couple having this premarital conversations, I'm meeting the respective in laws.

And maybe I need to spend a few moments with them alone The in laws, I could say to them, you know what, I had a lovely discussion with your son, and your prospective daughter in law. There, she seems a lovely person. But just a suggestion. She's a very shy person. And it seems your home is a much more Yola. Much more outspoken. So you got to make sure that you know that the transition is smooth, do not, you know, make it chromatic for her, in a sense, also giving them some kind of guidance, you know, you know, what we need, Idris is more people who are able to have these conversations with this prospective couple and their families because, as we saying, have these

premarital conversations, but I'm just trying to think in the community, who I know of who does this kind of thing. So that if there are more people, you know, available, and announcing to say, you know what, I do this, and I'm happy to have this conversation with you. And it stays professional. And it's not something up for discussion with other people, more young couples are going to want to involve themselves in that. But also, in a family, maybe the senior member of both the girl and boy's family could get involved. Am I right? Absolutely. In fact, you know, while you're talking, I thought of an incident, I met a young couple, where the father gave his daughter a lavish wedding,

he was unhappy with the choice she made. But he gave her a really lavish wedding, I met this couple, and you won't believe it, almost everything they disagreed with. I said to them, if you both of you came for a premarital conversation with me or anyone else, I promise you, you will not have married each other.

You know what I'm saying to you. So once the damage is done, then it's very important how you deal with it. So pre metal conversations, discussions, and interventions are critical is a precursor for success. It is what helps you to make informed decisions. And I think in this regard, you know, the the senior members of families, listening to this kind of CD need to start taking action and becoming progressive becoming proactive and says yes, guys, you guys are wanting to get married Alhamdulillah. But let's meet, let's have this conversation. But as a senior member, I call up a member from the other side and say, Can we meet the couple and have this conversation with them? So

that we are on the same plane we have the same kind of ideas, the same kind of values, the same kind of vision and life plans for our future? Absolutely. So the whole idea is having a shared vision, having commonality of values in that way. You know that the

inlaws home is a an extension of your own home, you become a part of who you are, and part of who they are. And even if you're not living with the in laws, it still becomes part of your family and part of your new nuclear family as it were. Now, my next question, Idris is you know, moving on still with the in laws. How can these prospective in laws ensure a smooth transition for the couple? So the conversations have happened, these premarital conversations happened with the spouse, maybe with an elder in the community, maybe an elder in the family.

We've realized it's now time to get the inlaws involved in the story. Right? How are they going to be of assistance for this prospective couple? You know, shamima, one of the things you got to bear in mind, one of the most difficult things is for any

woman,

to just stay with someone else says family, it can be very, very traumatic. In fact, I just shared this with you. In some of my previous programs, when I met married couples, I said to the men, I want you to keep quiet and I want the wife to tell you what adjustments she made in the marriage. And many of them break down the cry, and the husband gets a shock of his life is I never knew this. I never knew this. Because we are so self absorbed. We forget about the other. Now, for example, let us say your medic in a home with they've got three or four siblings, right? So the father mother chatty said and I'm Lila Muhammad is gonna get married to so and so person you met the lovely

person? And what do you think is a family we need to do to welcome What do you perhaps need to do is say Muhammad, you know,

one of the things that sometimes you know, and I say it in a nice way, you can be very, very boisterous and whatnot. And I'm not too sure, you know, whether, you know, initially she can cope with this or whatever, whatever. So you look at trying to make it as smooth as possible, right at home. So that we understand. And, for example, you might say, you know what, sometimes we do not have our meals together. But now that mom is getting married, we want to make sure we eat together as a family, some adjustments we have to make, like to make it easy, you know, so in other words, so you talk about it, you talk about how to make this home a palace for this young girl, make it into a

castle for her, make it so that we are not impediments. We are enablers, you know, you know, what I usually hear is the family thing, you know, I'm so worried we got this girl coming into our family, we so worried that is she going to fit in? Or is she going to tear the family apart? I don't think I've heard a family say that. What can we do, you know, to get this girl comfortable in our home, let's see what we can do. Because she's coming into our home. It's usually the other way. But shamima I'm not saying that you got to be so radical, where you expect your own child to change the personality, right? We're not saying all of those things, but what we are saying that you're showing

some kind of sensitivity, because the girl herself, you know, inshallah she got a high self esteem to be able to adapt, adapt and adjust in quick time, inshallah. But you mustn't be that because of our own idiosyncrasies or personal peculiarities that we might have, that it might make a little uncomfortable. So I think in the end, is to just have that conversation. In that way. It will make every person self aware, and they'll show a lot more sensitivity to her. Because you have an issue the mother in law, sometimes you can have issues with your sisters in law, you know, you might have a sister in law, maybe Ayesha is a very pushy one, you know, she's the one that takes charge. They,

she you know, and brothers understand her the mother understands. And sometimes she could be a thorn in the flesh for the young bride that is will come there. You know, I'm seeing the importance of this conversation in

pre metal conversations, right. I'm here at a case where Alhamdulillah these conversations took place, together with the prospective in laws as well. And they've decided to embark on this beautiful institution of marriage and they've gotten married, what is the role of these parents in law, now after marriage, I think after marriage, the they must not interfere in the relationship. Now, let us say you find and our parents are very, very perceptive. You understand that sometimes they might

After say, let us say, the daughter in law, one day, she looks very down and out, you know. And so, the mother, the mother in law speech today said Fatima yoky don't look okay, the father or mother could speak to the Son, you know, there's something happened. So this part of the understanding that if anything, that is amiss, we are here to support you. And you do not, like interfere without interfering, don't interfere. Don't become overly zealous, as it were, you know, and I think in that way, inshallah, there'll be a smooth, smooth transition. But after all, you know, you get also those individuals, no matter how hard you try, they're never happy. They never ever happy, that's out of

your control. Long As You can say that you were enablers, you made things happen. You've been through a process of premarital conversation, you brought your kids up, right? And all of that, then what happens after it's out of your control, but you will make sure that you leave no stone unturned to ensure this harmony, joy in the home, that they would have disagreements, but they're not disagreeable to each other, like shala is I just want to recap here, because you've done so much. I want to tell you what we've done in all our cities thus far. And then you're going to give me your very powerful ending to asset of cities, right. And in CD one we spoke about preparing children for

marriage. Then we spoke about how the parents can assist. We spoke about the skills that parents need to develop in their children, even in the children Why is youngest four and five. Then in CD two, we spoke about divorce, we spoke about the importance of positive self esteem. And we spoke about the role of EQ in marriage. And they I mentioned to you a scenario and you gave me a beautiful explanation of hamdulillah. Then in series three, we went on to discuss the differences between love and infatuation. And I'm hoping the listener identifies the difference between the two. And then the most important part where we spoke about the conversations that need to take place between the

couple, the what are the benefits of premarital conversations, and the actual questions that one would ask the other. Then on CD four, we moved on where we continued with some of the conversations because we felt they were so important. And then we spoke about the prospective in laws, we spoke about the importance in this whole institution of marriage. inshallah. Now, I've come to the end of all of this discussion, it is your parting shot on this topic. And just a little bit to advise this young couple going forward. You know, marriage first is a sacred institution, not something that you need to take lightly. We spend all the time in our world trying to pursue careers. But when it comes

to marriage is something it's like, by the way, and we have very naive perspectives on marriage. And I think the idea of going for premarital counseling is so critical to have the pre medical conversations. And I'm so glad that there are many institutions and they also some countries that made it mandatory for young people to go for these things before they marry. Because you know, they say there are sofala shakes when there is a divorce. And in the end, you know what else sometimes under extreme circumstances, when you can say that both you and your spouse left no stone unturned, then we have to divorce is another matter. But today our divorces, they are so hostile, there's so

much of acrimony. And I think in the end, the fundamental thing is this. You need to know why you are marrying who you're marrying. What's your intention, and really to make a distinction between infatuation and love and also look at what is necessary to ensure harmony in your home. So he shall I pray that these set of CDs not necessarily a panacea, but is part of the solution and helps you inshallah, in your home, even if you are married, to relook at your marriage, and to rekindle the passion for this noble institution as salaam aleikum, you do not have to be a rocket scientist to appreciate the need for premarital conversations. It's an effective antidote to the problems in a

marriage.