Edris Khamissa – Pre-Marital Advice

			Salam aleikum. I am your host Muhammad noodle dilemma, and with me to discuss some things
surrounding the family, particularly premarital counseling is a consultant, an expert in education,
personal development and family life from an Islamic perspective, our dear shake and daddy degrees
lamesa from South Africa, I'd like to start by asking,
		

			what would be the three most precious pieces of advice you would give for people who are intending
to get married,
		

			I would tell them first, that they need to get to know themselves, get to know what motivates them,
what makes them angry, they must get to know how they like to deal with the conflict situation.
Because lots of our youth have pure romantic notions of marriage. And I remember reading this once,
instead of preparing our children for marriage to prepare them for the wedding day. And when they
get to know who they are, and what their purpose is, they're able to interact with the other is
discovering yourself, because statistically, they say, when a person is involved in an unhappy
marriage, and he separates, there is a 50% chance his second marriage not going to work out, and 75%
		

			chance the third, because you are killing yourself in each of these situations. So it's important
for us to know who they are. The second important thing is, they got to understand the other that
all of us are products for home environment, we do not see the world as it is. But as we are. This
is what you call
		

			transformation or perspective transformation looking from the other perspective. For example, my
good wife and myself,
		

			I grew up in a home where I had lots of visitors, my father had a public profile,
		

			interactive, you people staying there. So for us, we are very comfortable with people, we're very
comfortable with strangers, we are able to engage them in a conversation, whilst my wife did not
have the same experience. And because I was acutely aware of that, I did not impose that on her. And
they say, statistically, the first three years of marriage are very, very critical. So it's
important to get to know your partner, and get to understand your partner. Yes, of course, you can,
cannot get to know everything, right. And once you're able to do that, you're able to respond
accordingly. So the second, the third important advice I could give, is at any given time, depending
		

			of course, the nature of the problem is to stay in relationship with the individual. And once you
are dealing with a situation of conflict, do not demean the other. Do not for example, same thing
that you regret for the rest of your life. And sometimes partying may be the right thing. But at
least if you can say that we have done everything humanly possible, the bottom line is this, that in
the end, in marriage, what is your Qibla? What are your expectations, and it's important that our
expectations need to be very realistic, that marriage itself the same, even the land of milk and
honey, you get the kick of the bond and the sting of the pee. And they say joking, the IDA also, for
		

			the youth, Puppy Love is a beginning of dog's life, you know. So it's very, very important for us to
understand that. And if you can persevere, and you will understand truly much later in your life.
		

			Just be there as a companion, even in your silences you're engaging, looking at each other would
love these wonderful things. Now, basically what you're saying is know yourself, know the other
person and have realistic expectations of each other and prepare for that. Now for people who are in
a relationship of what you would call courtship, they visiting each other, they're trying to know
each other. What should be the focus of the conversations they have with each other? What exactly
should they try and find out more about each other? In fact, I have with me 100 questions you need
to ask each other before you marry 100 i 100. I hope you don't increase it to 200 ignore it. And the
		

			reason behind it is this. This lots of young people, they have this chemistry and they are too
afraid to ask the hard questions. They believe erroneously because I love her. She loves being
together will I know these problems? questions like these. For example.
		

			Your temperament? Do you get angry very quickly?
		

			Are you going to contemplate marrying another woman? These are important questions? Would you allow
me to study?
		

			What is your own relationship with your own family? What's your relationship with the community? How
involved? Are you in the activities of the community? What are your short term plans? What are your
long term plans? I've come across many situations where a spouse or the wife would say, You never
told me after three months, we'll leave this country. If I'd known I wouldn't have said yes to.
		

			If I known you're going to allow me to study. So these questions are very important questions. But
hopefully, you're answering truthfully, it's not only about asking that of your spouse, but also
answering those questions on your own. And in fact, when you do that, these questions will help you
to deal with a situation you cannot anticipate every individuality but when it comes to the
substantive issues, if you can deal with it, and understand one critical thing, that it does not
mean that you have to be like minded for everything. My wife and I is some things we disagree. I
jokingly say to people when they asked me Idris What's the secret of your happiness? Oh, I sell them
		

			my wife goes her way. And I follow
		

			Well, thank you very much for your advice, and I hope those contemplating getting married will
inshallah pick from where Dr. Avery samis started. Until next time, inshallah Salaam Alaikum
warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.