Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – The Purpose of Marriage
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Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim what we want to discuss right now is you
know where the Prophet sallallahu Sallam set forth for B 13 be
successful with the one of the deans. So what exactly does Dean
mean here? This is there's a lot of confusion in here.
Here, Dean doesn't just mean that you see somebody like a man who's
praying and he seems to be looking Muslim. As such, he's attaching
himself to Muslim activities. That is, of course the that's part of
the deal, right? But that is not all.
Likewise, you see a sister mashallah, see she's hijab, she's
praying and so on. She is getting involved in good things.
What the deen also means because remember, the deen is mentioned
here in the context of marriage. So what is the deen in the context
of marriage? See what I'm saying? What is the mean?
Fifth village in marriage. Salah is Al Hamdulillah you know, solid
is good but there's Hadith that explain it.
For example, for the woman It says if she if you look at her, she,
you know she she pleases you and and several other things like
that. So what you need to look for is, how much are they willing to
fulfill the recommendations in the Sunnah of how to interact with the
husband, with the wife, and one of the biggest things o'clock and
character which is religious, because the prophets, Allah has
actually said that the best of you is the one best in character, and
I am the best to my wives. So character is linked to
relationship and you know, everything we said earlier, about
moderating your anger, your sensitivity, irritability,
disputation, argumentation, generosity, talking about being
miserly and stingy and withholding all of that is o'clock. So this is
what that refers to. This is a big part of further for be, that'd be
make sure you get the one with the right character, the right
religious character,
not just Salaat not just the way they dress, all of that plays a
role in there. Having said that, there are some people, they fall
into a bit of an issue where they see really good character, for
example, good behavior, but the person is not praying, or they're
not covering.
And they get married, saying, oh, they'll cover Don't worry, they're
very good people they will cover and then they don't cover or they
don't pray. That's another mistake people make.
If you want to get something unless you're desperate, and you
got, you have to just find anybody, then you want to try to
find the person that meets those major ideals that you have.
Don't get so driven on another point, which is less significant,
because the browser has some said, make sure you're satisfied with
the dean.
So you think no, no, he or she is really good in everything else in
sha Allah, they will start praying as well. In sha Allah, the start
covering.
So keep keep that in mind that that's not always going to happen.
You'd rather get somebody who, especially difficult things,
especially difficult things, you want to make sure you get the
right thing from the beginning. If it's small changes, that's
understandable. The other thing then is an Autobot. You know,
because we're living in the in the West in very multicultural
societies various ideologies as well.
What about getting into a multi into a you can say a cross mazahub
relationship?
Do you think do you think there's any problem with that?
Generally, there shouldn't be. You get a Maliki marrying a Hanafy
Shafi marrying a Maliki as long as you can decide, okay, how do you
want to bring up the kids? The children? Do you want to bring
them up like a hybrid? Half Maliki half chef or EEO? I mean, you
gentlemen, focus on one or the other.
The problem is that if you're going to get married with people
who have a superiority complex, who consider everybody else to be
wrong, then then that's difficult Alhamdulillah within the mother
him, you know,
there's there's not much of that problem. They respect one another
in that sense, right. So you got a Moroccan sister or brother, you
know, Malik, you're getting married to somebody from Sirius
Hanafy or Shafi. There's no problem as long as you can agree
on certain things, not an issue. It's not a big deal. But if you've
got somebody who's maybe from
a ideological perspective, I dealt with somebody actually was in
Sweden, but he was in another city. And the poor woman is
telling me that he finally called me Catherine and then and then
basically divorce me. He did take fear of me. You don't want to get
married to a DVD because if you get in the wrong
you're in trouble. Solo
compatibility, isn't it? It's just another factor in compatibility.
You know the Hadith Have you read the Hadith where the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, when a person marries this is a
Hadith related by NSO the Allahu Anhu. In beta e book is written
from short in a short booty man. The Prophet sallallahu sallam said
when a person marries half of his religion has been completed.
And he should now be mindful of Allah regarding the other half.
How is marriage half of faith?
Half of faith all of faith marriages, half of it
how would you get half of faith to you know half of faith is covered
in marriage. These are perspectives. This is a way of
looking at it. Our Deen relies on protection of primarily two things
if somebody does a prophet Allah some said, if somebody can
guarantee for me that which is between the jaws, the tongue, and
that which is between the legs, I guarantee for them paradise. So
when you get married, that a halal outlet to give you fulfillment of
your sexual urges, is found.
So that protects half the that's half the prediction. Now you have
to worry about your tongue. But the tongue is actually
much more of a trouble sometimes. Because as Imam Ghazali says, is
that so here on hajima? Who
is Kabiru? Jericho? Right? Severen Jeremiah who can be run judo, you
can say
it, there's no effort in the tongue. And that of course, so
basically the idea is, as many of the other must say that the
Prophet saw some exaggerated the idea of marriage because really it
gives sukoon human beings have this idea you have to remember
about marriage. You know, when you get married, you know what you're
doing.
Tell me where did marriage begin? In June, the first marriage the
first married couple was in Jana, and where his marriage is going to
end
in Jana, mashallah, you guys are fast. And that's basically the
beginning and end of my book.
The last chapter in the book is husband and wife in paradise.
Because Adam, and how are they sound, they started in paradise,
then they came out. And what you want is you want
to the to the people you're going to be with the person you're going
to be with if you're a man, the person you're going to be with
your woman, the person you're going to be with is going to be
your spouse in paradise.
Yes, you can visit your parents, you can visit your children, you
can visit your auntie's, you can visit somebody else, whoever you
want, but in terms of
who you're going to share your paradise with.
Because your father is gonna have his paradise with your mother,
with his wife, or wives or whatever. Likewise, your mother is
going to be with a husband.
You're going to be with your spouse. If you look at all of the
depictions and details of paradise in the Quran. And in the Sunnah,
when it talks about who you're going to be with, it's got to be
with your spouse. In fact, in other words, what is paradise
without a spouse? What are you going to do in paradise without a
spouse? In fact, I don't think there's anybody in paradise
without a spouse.
Even if you've not been married in this world, you will get married
to somebody else.
You will get married to somebody who is not married. Every man will
have a spouse of the world and then beyond that, we'll be here
today.
Right that's different that depends on what atma you've done
what good deeds you've done or not or whatever the case is. But
spouse
paradise is with a spouse as word you him as word as word he was
Allah sees in the Quran
now you do get questions that I hate my husband
I don't want to be in paradise
I've heard that case like you know when they hear about this that
spouses are going to be together in paradise like I can't bear the
thought
so what is the answer to that I'm still struggling with that I
haven't found something clear cut but I think it's quite simple in
the sense that paradise does have this special machinery outside the
extractor fans they call extracting machines for hazard
jealousy, hatred, all that stuff. You cannot enter paradise with
hatred or jealousy. You will not have a problem in paradise. So if
you are going to be with that spouse you will be you'll finally
have the life you're looking for.
And you know once you've enjoyed it then all the past becomes
history isn't it? Once let's just say you had a bad relationship
with somebody and then it became very good do you care about the
past anymore? Generally no unless you're crazy right you don't you
don't care about the past anymore it's now the now right that's what
we worried about
what of the ways that process master bro solo some if a woman
has had many husbands in her in her life in the sense that one
died got married again because remember, in those days mashallah,
there was a free flow. Right? So
He
said he will have the one with the best character, she gets to choose
the one of the best character, can you see how important best
characteristics. So that's why I said the preparation for marriage
is about preparing your character, really. And if you're already in
marriage, and you'd see the problems, you will probably tell
me that I agree with you that it's about character. But it's never
too late character can always be changed. character can be
improved. How do you improve character? Well, firstly, we need
to recognize we have a floor. Problem is that if you've got
certain character traits, like ego,
Nas narcissism or
arrogance, the for that person, everybody else is always wrong.
They always right.
Now, we have to really start thinking that maybe I am right,
but not fully right? Start like that. And read books like by Imam
Ghazali and others, we got one, the path to perfection. What that
does is these books they give you, okay, this is jealousy, define it,
and they give you the cure.
This is anger, they define anger. And these are the problems. And
this is the way to deal with it. Jealousy and so on and so forth.
o'clock character, the, one of the destructive factors of marriage is
suspicion.
Generally, it starts off early.
What that means is, let's just say the husband and wife have been
married and things are going well, they start doing one or the both,
they start becoming over possessive.
They start becoming too possessive over the other
to a level of being controlling. And that gets then suffocating.
When is that you feel cared for? There's a limit to that somebody
really looks after me, they're always looking out. For me.
There's a comfortable level, when you go beyond that, it becomes
suffocating.
You have to remember that while at the same time look, another
challenge is that if you have been really close to your friends
before marriage, used to just have a routine everyday you finish work
and you have to go out with them. Or your closest friend is
football, soccer, whatever, or YouTube.
And that's what you do, you come home and that's what you do three
hours on YouTube for hours on YouTube, not necessarily learning
something but just mashallah, you know, one after the other, or
Netflix one after the other.
You're gonna have to realize that after marriage, you can't do that,
like that.
If you're really close to your family, like some, some women,
they're very close to the family, they tell them everything, to
their sisters,
to their mother, or maybe to their front, the biggest mistake you
will make is that you start every small issue, you start telling
them. So you got another soap opera going on. Now the drama,
people have enough dramas out there on Netflix and other places,
you don't need to create another one. Right? When you have small
issues with your husband or your wife, you don't tell anybody else,
deal with it, learn to be confidently dealing with it. Yes.
If you do get helpless, and you have no other means and is getting
unbearable, then then after that you don't stay and then you ask
for help from the most decent person. But it's actually
detrimental for wives to start saying every small thing about
their married life to their mother.
Do you understand? Yes, if the mother is very wise, she will say
Look, don't tell me, you deal with it.
Otherwise, the mother She's got her own relationship that she does
her relationship with her husband, your father. And your relationship
with your husband is totally different than dynamic. Your he's
a different man, your father was a different man dynamics different.
She will probably tell you based on her understanding, and that may
not work in your situation. She you cannot let your mother read
remote control your marriage.
That's why there's one woman who all the time she has to go to her
mother.
One day her mother told her look from now on, I don't want you to
tell me all of this, I want you to deal with it. I don't know your
husband, the way you know him. You know, your intimacy, your
understanding your person, your understanding as well is much more
than I do. So if I'm seeing it's not helpful for me to tell you
from now on, you're not going to tell me you're going to deal with
it. And then the daughter later says that that was the best thing
that happened to me that when my mother told me that I need to deal
with it, I started thinking thinking of the strategies to deal
with it.
Otherwise you're like just doing whatever like a puppet. And it's a
different dynamic.
Yes, if your mother knew this man, somehow
everything about them and then she's telling you okay, do this is
understandable. They don't and even then let you deal with it.
Another thing is
If you cannot say sorry, in your marriage, you're in big trouble.
Because we all make a small mistake here and there. Sorry.
Please forgive me. Here's some flowers.
Why did you bring the flowers? I felt really bad Yesterday, I spoke
like that to you. I didn't appreciate the food. I didn't
appreciate this or that.
That's apologies. Very high. One marriage in front of me of
somebody I know, very closely broke up because one of the
parents could not say so.
Even when we're trying to counsel them, that one partner, I spoke to
other people.
And that particular partner was willing to listen until they
started saying, Okay, you're, I think you're also to blame.
Then he's like, Okay, you're on his side.
That's a psychological complex sometimes. So if you think I mean,
it's like, if I tell you, if you think you're like that, you should
get help. But you're never gonna think like that. You're never
gonna think you need help. Can you see it's a really difficult
situation to be in. But saying, Sorry, apologies. So here, this is
where I would say if you're married, you need to develop a
love bank.
You can start an account anywhere. There's lots of ways of starting
an account.
Which site you go to for a love bank? Account? Anybody know? Any
good suggestions? Love bank is just between it's that it just,
it's just between you and your wife. That's it. You and your
spouse?
What it is? Is that every little good thing you do
a praise. Appreciation. A gift.
Anything else? Good? You do? Your what you're doing is you're
depositing into love bank.
You know, for example, if we're friends, right? And I've helped
you out in the past, you've helped me out. When my car broke down,
you came all the way to help me. Right? When I was going through a
rough time, mashallah, you know, you stayed up at night, and you
helped me and all the rest of it.
I needed money, you helped me, right. So now we had a little
issue.
What comes to your mind when you have a little issue? shaytaan
comes like he hates you?
Right? You don't want to be with him anymore. But then what does
yourself tell you? No, but look, look at how good he was. Look what
the good thing he did before. You see what I'm saying. That's the
love bank. Whenever you have an issue, you need a love bank, you
needed a good balance in your love bank. So whenever an issue
happens, you withdraw from the love bank.
Now, if you have too many problems, and your love bank
balance is not it's very small, then you're going to deplete in
going overdraft, then you can see this getting into critical.
So the way to create the love bank, and the deposits in there is
slowly slowly, frequently.
If somebody says you know what today, I'm going to go to my wife
and I'm going to buy her the best flowers I can buy most expensive
and I spend $100 on
on flowers, and I'm going to buy these boxes of chocolates and and
then I'm not going to do anything for two months.
That's like saying that on Sunday, I can't do it everyday. But on
Sunday, I'm going to brush my teeth for two hours
or one hour and I don't have to do it every day, then. Is that
useful?
Two minutes every day. Morning and Evening is more healthier than one
hour, you're going to kill your teeth. If you do that. You're
going to suffocate. So that's the love bank in the Arabic staying
saying is Al Insano. Abdullah, Hassan,
the human is a slave to favours anybody who's done a favor for
you. You generally become like, because that's human. Why does
bribery work? What how do you buy? How do they buy people, because
you show them you're going to do something good for them. So then
they give you everything they want. This is our human weakness.
So that's why I'm saying that increase your axon with your with
your spouse,
increase your axon with your spouse. Now you have to remember
men like certain things and women like certain things.
The way women give love is in a motherly way, an affectionate,
motherly way. That's kind of their way of giving love. A man's way of
giving love is sexual.
Right? That's what they're more interested in.
If you're having problems in your marriage, you have to really think
about what is the problem? The easiest thing to do is to blame
the next the next person. That's the easiest thing to do, but
that's not helpful. If we don't look into ourselves as
Am I doing everything proper? Clearly the other person may be
making a mistake as well. But if you just focus on that, then you
don't get anywhere. So many times we have an issue. What and even if
I think that my wife may have done me I should apologize. Sometimes I
just feel that
this these are the Hadith that led me this is the Hadith that drives
me now if you don't know this hadith now tell me when I
mentioned how he's telling me if you knew this hadith or not,
because if you don't know you got nothing to do it for. And this is
the beauty of learning masala. One Hadith says the prophets Allah or
some said, and I hope I'm correct, cuz I don't have in front of me.
But if you
if you avoid a dispute, let's say you're in an argument, but you
avoid the dispute and you are on the wrong
one about it. You know, you're wrong, but you'd like disputing.
And you give up thinking I shouldn't do this. In a strange
situation, you will get a house in the outskirts of paradise.
Right. And if you are right, one time, you are right. But you still
give up dispute because it's harmful. So not to you get a place
for you, Robert Viljandi in the in the middle of Jana.
Now,
as he won't be Yes. As our iman Yes.
That's one Hadees that drives me. Right, that I'm gonna get that if
I do this. You have to have an incentive, don't you? Otherwise,
he's like, No, I'm selfish. Let her say, you know, the other
Hadees that drives me is
Al Abadi Oh, be salami, buddy, aminal, Kibera, the one you know,
when you stop talking to somebody,
then the person who speaks first is going to be the one who has to
what they call bite the bullet. Right? Because the other is, is
no, I want him to say first I want her to say trust. I want her to
because when you say a silhouette, it's like you're apologizing?
Almost right? So the Elisa drives me there is that the person hasn't
said whoever starts the salon. They're free of arrogance. They're
free of price. So that's why I feel like I'll get rewarded for
this. Because everybody needs an incentive. Now, how many of you
knew this hadith in this context?
Some of you knew the Hadith. But did you knew it? Did you know to
apply it in this context? No, right? How many of you now think
that's a good idea?
Just about five, six of you, none of you. Okay.
So this is how the sun is helpful.
If you focus on it, very helpful, because this is life. You're gonna
have issues. So this is life. Oh, what I was saying about marriage
that I moved on from, you know, how big of an issue marriages or
how significant marriages, marriage when you get married to
somebody, you're getting married and you're producing children. And
that child of yours is going to have is going to get married and
have other children. All of that comes from you. Of course, it
carries on above, but you are the next person in the chain. Think
about that. One of my friends told me is a very influential, higher
person.
Once he said something to me, I was like, Wow, you're so right. He
says.
If you look at husband and wife, in this case, Masha, Allah, Allah
has placed women in certain very influential positions. He says
right now,
feminism doesn't allow you to celebrate those ideas. They are
looking for something else. So it's, it's based on our social
realities, we're in a bit of a challenging position. But what he
said is that if you have if you get married, well, no, he didn't
say that. He said, If you have a mother who's righteous, she will
give you a headstart of approximately 15 years in the
deed.
What do you mean by that? More than the Father, this is where the
mother get more and more rewards.
If I teach, I'm teaching you inshallah and teaching you a few
things today and my whole my whole reason for writing the book, and
for doing this course is because there's just too much problem. And
marriage
is what creates communities community is what contributes to
society. The reason where there are so many
individuals out there with a lot of rage in their hearts, and none
of them come from single parent homes or broken homes or
dysfunctional homes.
Allah wants the husband wife relationship to be such that it
creates a stability. They're supposed to be comforting one
another.
The marital home is called a Muskan. In Arabic.
A bait is a room. A dar in Arabic is a like a state, but a Muskan is
a home
And we Whoever understands Arabic You know what I'm asking right
Muskan is a home and you know the word muscarinic comes from sukoon.
What is a Muskan or a bait or a dar without sukoon
create a place of Sukkot Lita school La Jolla as exactly what
Khadija the Allah Juana provided for the Bronx a lot.
So that she was 40. He was 25. Then, in 15 years when she was 55,
he got prophecy when he became 40.
And then 10 years after she died,
that was the 10th year of Makkah, three years before migration, some
of the toughest years. She died that year, she was his internal
provider. And that same year, Abu Talib, who was his external
support also died. That's why that year is called Amel has a name,
the year of the two griefs when he came back from his first
encounter, you know this, I don't need to repeat it. When he came
back from the first encounter with Gibreel Ali salaam, she calmed him
down, she comforted him, she reassured him, she took him.
This is what husbands do, and wives do for one another, this is
what the musket is supposed to be, then in that environment, you
bring up children, they're going to be decent children, otherwise,
they're going to have rage because something's missing in their life.
In fact, there was a interview I saw with a woman, a grown woman,
now, she was brought up by two mothers, the modern sense of two
others, right, not two mothers and one husband, two wives and not
like that situation. This is the modern sense of to two mothers.
And she says, look, they were both good people to me. But
I mean, she's saying this, she says, but it can never replace the
father figure.
At the end of the day, you need a man and a woman. And there are
studies that show
that fatherless families, the daughters suffer.
In fact, biologically, their periods come on faster. If they
don't have a father figure in involved in the family.
And because they don't have a father figure to show them the
complement them and to give them the the fatherly love or whatever.
They become more vulnerable afterwards. Because then anybody
anytime they can arrange, who tries to say something good to
them, they're in need of a male figure, then they be very
vulnerable to abuse.
You want to create that, can you see what marriage is doing? Now
it's creating. It's not just you and you and your spouse, it's your
children, your children make up society. You have a good marriage,
your society is going to be good you're going to contribute to
that, then not just that it's a massive all the way down your
children their children don't the Prophet sallallahu sallam said, I
was born with no suffer. I was born that all my forefathers never
committed Zina.
Subhanallah Allah
can we say the same thing in sha Allah? Can no will one of our
grandchild be able to say the same thing for us?
The mashallah you know, I'm from a family which was very decent, my
grandfather, my grandmother, really decent people, really good
people. There's your your, your that when you get married, you're
creating a massive wave. It's going to and that's why
on the Day of Judgment in sha Allah, our progeny will be a
source of gladness for our eyes. Rob and I have Lana Minh as well
as in our area Kurata Aryan with your unerring Matakana email, and
that's why I don't consider marriage to be some small issue if
you have if you're married, and you don't understand you need to
do everything you can to sort that marriage out, even if that means
you have to make sacrifice for it.
So there you go.
Baraka last week, the main thing is that let us make this a turning
point for marriages. In I think it's Malaysia, you're not allowed
to get married until you take a marriage course.
Right? Anybody from Malaysia here? If they can?
You're not allowed to? You know, I think that's very good. The Masjid
should stop doing the cause and delay. And when when does when
does your married season begin? Make May, May June. People like to
get married in the summer, right? Yeah, yeah. I mean, generally, so
I think. Yeah, so this May, June, July, right. So I think all the
Imams or wherever they should have a marriage course every twice a
year, maybe like one in end of March, and the other one around
this time. Because it's just don't get married. Don't let anybody get
married until they've done many courses in at least one course on
marriage, and at least a few books on marriage. Because you really
need to know as much as you can, so that you don't run into
problems.