Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – The Proper Rituals of the Nikah and Walima
AI: Summary ©
AI: Transcript ©
Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa
Salatu was Salam ala say you didn't mousseline
why the early he or sabe? He you are Baraka was seldom at the
Sleeman Cathedral on Isla Yomi Dean, Amma Barrett yeah you
Hannah. So in Hala Kona come in, can you?
Come? Sure, Reuben Wakaba Elita Rafo in a chroma coma in de la he
come. In Allaha Lehmann kabhi.
Allah subhanho wa Taala talks about the best of you, being the
most noble being a call from those who have the greatest level of
Taqwa. So now
what we want to speak about is that you know, when the Nika
ceremony takes place that actor Nikka takes place the Imam who's
officiating Nikka, he recites the hotbar, which we call the hot
virtual Hydra. And then there are three verses which are recited
Yeah, you announced in a hollow canal coming back anyone with a
Jonas otaku? Rob buck, Robert Jonas with Takuro documentary hada
Coco, menacing Wahida. And yeah, you will Adina. I'm gonna taco la
haka, Ducati, while at the Moto Naila, anti Muslim when you're
looking at Akula wa Kulu, Kolon Salida. Actually, that one, so all
three verses are about taco. That's really interesting that
whenever a Nika is generally done, you talk about Taqwa. And the
reason why that's important is that if both husband and wife, the
spouse is if they focus on if they fear Allah, and if they do the
Nika and they have their relationship for the sake of
Allah, then inshallah they will bless their relationship. Because
when you do something for the sake of Allah, you don't do it for
selfish reasons. Of course, this has to be learned. When you do
something for the sake of Allah, you will do what pleases Allah,
you will do what Allah wants you to do in that case, or you will be
looking for that, at least, we can make that we can still make
mistakes. But at least if we going to try, we're going to ask, we're
going to inquire, then that will be the case. So for example, that
should help to get suppress, suppress a person's ego, and
everything else that we've been speaking about.
If you want to make Allah subhanaw taala, happy, Allah loves it, that
you please somebody else. Allah loves it that you forgive, forgive
other people. Allah Himself is Haleem, which basically means
forbearing, huge amount of patience.
He allows so many things to happen before he takes revenge. So all of
these are characters that we want to add for ourselves as well. And
that is one of the best ways that will effectively benefit the
marriage. So before the marriage, though, just to cover the
engagement period, when people get engaged, I just want to clarify
that that is not a Nikka that is not a marriage. Engagement just
means okay. You have been fixed up with this person. And
there is a Hadith, which mentioned that when somebody has already is
in advanced discussions with somebody else to get married, or
to buy something, or sell something, a business deal or
something, then nobody else should come in and try to sway this or
remove it. Yes, if it's just initial discussion, I'm looking,
okay, I'm going to go and see such a person, then it's okay for
somebody else to come and say, Oh, but have you considered this
person, but once you have advanced discussions, and it's like you're
going to commit because you have to have a discussion.
So after that, you can't until it falls through, if it falls
through,
if you will, once you do get engaged. A lot of people think
that once we've committed to one another, it's like engagement is
like a commitment. Some people make such a big deal out of the
engagement, that it makes it like a wedding, in terms of the feeding
the guests and the gifts and everything like that. And that's
totally not what it should be. Engagement is just okay, how does
you know where and the best thing is to make the engagement as short
as possible? So that you get fixed up and then you're gonna get
married soon. Long engagements are a dangerous because you feel
you're connected to somebody now, but you're not really connected.
So you can still not act like husband and wife, you still have
to act like strangers. Right. But then some people take offense.
There's one couple they got engaged and one person in the
economy was the husband or the wife. They were being very careful
to keep it halal. The other side kept trying to
start conversations or do things and he wasn't responding because
he was getting informal. So then the other side, the those who are
making the those who are making the advances, they, they felt that
he wasn't interested anymore.
But all he was trying to do is just keep it halal. The reason is
that marriage is something where two people are coming together.
And you need a special glue to keep them together. And that comes
from Allah. That's the baraka. The best way to get Baraka is to do
everything according to the Sunnah, and do no wrong in it at
all, because you want this to work. You don't want to cut
corners, you don't want to take anything in your own hands. I
don't want to influence this negatively at all, believe me this
is because remember, we spoke yesterday about how big the idea
of nicaya is that this is going to go right through your generations,
the person you marry is going to be the mother or father of your
generations to come. So you want to do that, right.
That's why what I there was a couple who are going to get
married. So they came to have the discussions and everything. And
mashallah, it was fixed up. So I know that they were going to speak
and that's what we thought and they voiced that as well. So this
was a preliminary discussion. So we suggested that why don't you
just have any card now?
How can we have Nikka when we haven't told everybody and we
haven't invited everybody this is just a private discussion or
agreement. So how are we going to have Nica as it's okay, when you
when you want to do the full reception and wedding you can do
another Nikka hadn't said how can you do another Nikka
you can do hundreds of knickers. You can do as many nickels as you
want with your spouse.
A lot of people don't know this. In fact, some of them are like,
you know, IBD in a Shermie he mentioned that it is actually
healthy. And you know,
be careful how you take this I don't want you to get paranoid
about your knickers but he basically says that it is healthy
to revert to refresh your knee cartilage didn't Nikka
every so often.
Why?
Once you're married, why should you do that? You didn't Nikka that
didn't Nikka just means the husband and wife are there two
witnesses. You don't need a Mar you don't need a dowry. So it's
not gonna, like not the 10,000 Another 2000 No, no, no, no, no
dowry. And you just basically ejabberd COBOL, the hotbar job and
COBOL and that's it. It's done. Why?
The reason he says is because
I give you a strawman example. There was a big Mufti in the
Indian subcontinent. In India. There used to be a couple who used
to come to Him, and always with their problems.
So he used to try to help resolve counsel, you know, correct. And so
on. One day, he says, I'm going to do your Nikka Hagen.
I'm gonna they were they've been married for years. He says, I'm
going to read redo your Nika. So ejabberd COBOL you know, the offer
and acceptance. And he did that. And they stopped coming.
After a while or something, he must have met the man. And this
is, you know, most of our problems have been resolved.
So what was so special? Why did you do the Nikka? Again, he said,
The reason is that I realized that one of you or both of you say
certain things which are blasphemous.
gouffre statements without realizing, you know, some people
they could say, oh, Subhan Allah, Allah only found my my child to
make sick. Now, when you complain against Allah do something crazy
like this a bad statement against the dough hate against respect of
Allah. That's Cofer. But you don't realize it. Because everybody in
your community may do that, or in your family or tribe or something.
And a lot of people do say these weird words without realizing
because they haven't studied the Akita properly, and nobody's
clarified to them.
So you lose your faith. When you lose your faith, your marriage
breaks, but you refresh your faith, the next time you do solid,
for example, the next time you say La ilaha illallah, because you are
a Muslim. So next time you pray, or the next time you do the speech
or something, you refreshed your faith, but you don't know that
it's broken so you don't refresh your Nikka. So you Nikka has
broken. So you're living in Zina, technically even though you think
you're married, and there's no Baraka. So then there are
problems.
I've seen so many cases of a person who comes in and says, I
divorced my wife is a third divorce. I gave three divorces.
Generally when I probed deeper this didn't happen one time only
it's happened before. They've probably been divorced or they've
been have so many arguments that he said things which amounted to a
divorce. Like get out of here. I don't want to ever see you again
with an intention of divorce.
We didn't use the word divorce, but it is a divorce in particular
context. They don't know that. So they don't do a Nikka Hagen. They
sit together, they think that they're still married. And there's
no Baraka. So they keep having problems.
I'm not saying every case is like that you can have problems with
while still being indica. They just understand me correctly.
So
over the course of the last 1015 years, I've done several cars like
this, where they've been married, but they felt that there was a
doubt. So they did a new car.
Because you don't know, right? I'm not saying that every married
person here now needs to go and do that. Right? So don't get paranoid
about it. But be careful about statements you make, and so on.
So
you can have another Nikka. So Alhamdulillah this couple I was
speaking about where
they were just getting engaged or agreed.
And I knew they were going to be talking and everything which is
haram, if it's informal. When you get engaged with somebody, you are
allowed to have a formal conversation about matters related
to the marriage, a formal conversation,
formal, which basically means that okay, you know, this is what are
we going to do with this? Or what do you think about the important
issues minimally as only as much as is necessary? Absolutely. You
can't start having a joke and you know, romantic and all that you're
not married here. Just do Nika, then it's all halal.
So that's why they agreed. So just with the her parents, his parents,
or two or three other people, we did the Nika so Hamdulillah, the
halal now, right.
And I, I told him that the Sunnah is to give a walima. The one Ema
is the man's responsibility, not the woman's responsibility. The
woman doesn't have to give anything. She's giving herself the
husband is the one who has to pay the dowry. The husband is the one
who has to then pay for her upkeep, clothing, everything. wife
doesn't do anything. That's why Imam Razi, he says that, you know,
in Islam, where women only get half the inheritance of men, in
some cases, like half the inheritance of brothers, the
brothers get doubled up. He said, it all works out at the end.
Because if you look at it, a man is the one who's been spending all
this time. Right? He's the one who's responsible. He's the one
who has to pay a dowry. He's the one who has to pay the nataka,
which basically means the expenses of the marriage of the whole
marriage of the children, everybody, it's not the wife's
responsibility. Right?
Now, in this one case, he gets more. So he says, Love formula. He
says, There is no excess there is no extra, right when it comes to.
If you look at it in total, the man has to spend more. So that's
the way he explains that I'll take questions at the end.
So Alhamdulillah we did the Nika now some people they see the
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam had a nica with Aisha Radi
Allahu Allah when she was six.
Then when she was nine, that's when she actually started living
with him.
So they were married, but there was no contact. She was too young
anyway, there was no contact, there was no communication. So is
it allowed to have a long to have marriage but know what in some
traditions they call rosseti. Or in other tournaments, and when you
start living together, that's allowed, but it's not advisable.
I've seen too many marriages break in long engagements, and even long
separations like this. Sometimes it's necessary because maybe
somebody has to finish off school or somebody has to, you know, buy
a house. So understandable, right, in some cases, but where you don't
have to do that you should avoid that. Get married and just start
living together. Just one couple right now they were married, he
was in another country, she was in another country. And they breaking
up, see, because text messaging is very dangerous.
Because in text, all you have is words. And some people are not
very careful with words. They there's no emotions in unless
you're very, you're very good writer. And you're very careful
about what you write. Like when I write I tried to be very careful,
because I'm trying to see how are they going to take it but some
people just like no yes, you know,
will you be coming will and then the letter you write you know the
word that the letter you they don't write properly. So it gives
a wrong impression. There's no emotion you can write an emoji,
you know, like one of those little weird symbols, but it doesn't do
it. But when you're physically there, there's a lot more. And we
touch is a very important thing between relationships. Touch,
create, hugging, holding hands, contact this
Uh, provides the love hormone. So that helps as well. Now when
you're far away, all of that is very difficult. You know, you
spend a lot of money on the phone, and texting and all this kind of
stuff. So it's not advisable as far as possible.
So, when you then
get married, what, what I want to talk about is that when you get
married,
what is the sooner way of getting married? Than he got himself?
What's the sooner way?
The actual sunnah way of marriage is very simple.
It's so simple that you know, you'd be surprised.
Everything else that you know, people are so worried about the
Nikka day.
It's all because of different cultures. Some cultures, the Nikka
is very simple. Some cultures, it's too complicated.
Do you see what I'm saying? None of that is necessary. I'm going to
tell you today what the absolute basic essentials are. And the more
simpler you keep it, the less headache you'll have.
focus all of your energy for after the marriage. Why spend 40 30,000?
Or in your terms? 300 400,000. Right? Because when I say 30,000
pounds, that's like 340,000 Kronus? What's the point of one
day?
Why not give that to the couple
to spend for themselves?
Here we spend a huge amount for the day itself. I'm not saying
don't spend nothing, you can spend a bit make it special, but not so
crazy amount. Keep that for later. Some people take loans to do this.
So they enter marriage with the debt. What's the point?
You know, give them the money they can buy a house or they can help
to buy a house. People just don't think but because your brother or
your sister or your cousin did it you must do it as well you must do
it better. Never fall for that never be in competition in this
world. Only competition should be for the agora. And once you make
yourself independent like that, you will free yourself you won't
be a slave to competition, you will not be a slave to culture.
Release yourself. Release yourself free yourself. Become free
Subhanallah it feels so good. What is the Nikka in Islam, the basics.
Basically you choose a day or you can do it straightaway. Generally
you want to think about it you want some preparation.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam encouraged that marriage is
be announced. Alright, Lee knew Alia Bidoof. In one Hadith
announced them why should you announce a marriage? Because
marriage is not supposed to be a secret relationship. The whole
point of marriage is that everybody knows so when they see
you together, they know like okay, you're not committing Zina. That's
how important it is. Once the Prophet sallahu wa Salam is
walking outside with his wife, Sophia Binti. Hurry after Aisha.
So there were two Sahaba
at a distance and when they saw the progress along with a woman,
obviously, she's covered you don't know who she is. They they started
walking faster, as though you know, like, it may seem like we
didn't see him. Right who's he with? There was there was no bad
necessarily bad intention. So the Prophet saw the lights and met he
said I love this likoma Right. He said wait up in the house Sofia
yet been to her.
Right? He made it very clear says this is Sofia vindo Hey, my wife.
So don't think I'm with somebody else. Now, they said, you know,
obviously, they didn't have any bad intention. But it's just to
make it clear. He taught us a lesson of being careful like this.
So the reason why you announce the wedding is so that everybody
knows.
That doesn't mean you have to call the whole world for your wedding.
If you cannot do that. Yes, if you've got lots of money and you
like to feed not to show off, but you would like to feed people,
then you can call 10,000 people if you want to.
If you like to feed people and you got the money and no headache,
then you can feed a whole stadium if you want to. But if you're
doing it because somebody else did it, because otherwise people are
gonna say You know, you didn't call me or whatever, then all of
that. Just forget that. That's not sunnah. To do it as an obligation
is not a sunnah. The only reason you're announcing you can announce
it in Joomla. That's why the best place to have any QA is in the
masjid because there's going to be people there, you've announced it,
right? It doesn't mean you have to put it into the papers. But
generally the people who you're going to be dealing with know that
now you're married, right? Therefore a marriage should not be
contracted in secret.
If you do contract a marriage in secret, and you've got you've
actually got the witnesses and the MaHA it will still be valid in
most Mala hip, but I think the magic is a very strict about it.
As far as I remember, and they say, I think they really
discourage secret marriages completely. Right, even if it
fulfills the conditions. Like there's no airline if there's no
announcement.
According to a shareholder Kabir of your mom that did he says that
a private Nica that is not announced may not even be valid.
This is the Maliki school. So it's best not to.
Of course, sometimes you may be in a condition where you're going to
commit Zina, so you have to do a marriage just to make it halal.
That's exceptional case.
Anyway, the following now should be observed in the actual ceremony
of the Sunnah.
Right this is this is the basics in number one. They say that the
best place for a nigga he's in the masjid because a hadith narrated
by a shot of the Allah Juana says that the messenger of allah
sallallahu sallam said, announced this marriage
actually knew her the Nikka wager I do her perform it in the masjid
perform it in the masjid.
And in addition, beat the Duff's on it.
This is beat the dust is not necessary just to make sure it's
announced so that people know. So if in your tradition, beating dust
means okay, there's an niqab going on. Right? Or it's a call to
jihad? You know, it depends. You see what I'm saying? Because
that's they used to beat the duff for different reasons. That you
know, there's a call out, there's an attack on us. So we need to go,
or it's a marriage. Nowadays, you don't need to do that. Nowadays,
you you just make an announcement. There's a microphone, there's a
speaker system, and we have other ways to do it. So it's not
necessary to do that. And that doesn't mean that you then start
playing musical is romantic music. Right? That doesn't mean that just
a whole ideas and announcement, bang, bang, bang, you know, that's
the idea.
So perform it in the masjid because performing the masjid
helps the announcement. And of course, it's a blessing location.
Why would you want to do your Nikka anywhere else? Why not in
the masjid in the house of Allah? You know, so that you get more
Baraka anyway. And since marriage is also a form of worship, worship
is best done in the masjid because it's appropriate here.
That's why the great Anatolian Hanafi jurist, originally
Anatolian, he is YBNL Houma, a CRC, who died in 861 Hijiri. He
adds that it should be also held on a Friday is best to do on a
Friday because you've got more people.
He also clarifies that if you do use the duff, the duff, don't use
it in the masjid do that outside because the masjid is not placed
to make a racket. Right? And people in the masjid they already
know anyway, so the whole point of it is outside. Number two, the
second aspect now this is not necessarily all sunnah, sunnah.
But this is also recommendations. Number two scholars and other
righteous peoples could be invited to gain the blessings of their
presence and they do us. So try to have at least some righteous and
pious people. So you get their two hours as well. And their presence
brings that rock mo Allah subhanaw taala. Number three, the Nikka
itself, technically can be can be conducted by anybody, but
preferably conducted by a righteous person or a Muslim
scholar, again for Baraka, but not necessary.
Number four, this is necessary, at least two witnesses should be
present in the gathering. Although, you know, when we
generally have any guy in a gathering, everybody's a witness.
But the reason why you want to make two people the formal
witnesses is because then you write their names down. So in the
marriage certificate if you're going to have one, so that if
there's a problem afterwards, then at least you can call on to them
and say Did you witness it, like as a formal witness, otherwise,
everybody's a witness? As long as you got two people minimum there,
it's sufficient.
Number five, the marriage payment, the amount, the MaHA or the dowry
should be stipulated beforehand. You don't want to negotiate
in the gathering. That's a bit weird to negotiate, negotiate that
beforehand. Now, different people have different customs about
Maher, right? Once in my community, I was in I was one of
my good friends in the community. He was part of the committee. He
said, Sheikh you need to come to my house and do the Nica for my
daughter. She was my student, I used to teach her before and then
now she's getting married. So I said, you know, I don't come to
houses I like doing in the masjid houses, you get somebody else who
says no, please, you know, and then he explained to me, he said,
because in our culture, we have to negotiate.
So
it's a baton culture, right? But student culture, we have to
negotiate. So what happens is I went so
the girls maternal uncle, her mom's brother, and the father was
there, and I think his brother was there. But the maternal uncle, the
mom who he is in his whole body, he's the guy that he's heard
He's representative and the groom, the one who's going to get
married. He's there with his father. And I spoke to him and he
was afraid, because this is all about honor here. What happens is
that they, they start with a very inflated figure, some crazy
figure, right? And then they push it down.
Do you notice? Yeah, it starts off with some crazy like, 1000s
Nobody's gonna pay that much. But it's just to show my girl is very
valuable. Right? Then they have to negotiate and bring it down to a
comfortable level. So I said, and, you know, sometimes could take a
few hours.
I said, I'm not staying here for a few hours. So I understood though,
that this was going to happen. So before everything started, when
everybody came together, I gave a little talk. And I talked about
the importance of the Sunnah, the baraka of the Sunnah and
everything. And I said, you can have any amount you want. But, you
know, you can go with Mahara or Fatima, the Allahu Allah, Maha of
the Prophet sallallahu sallam, his wives. And again, it's up to you
what you want to do, but this is just recommendations.
So now, everybody's tense.
The so the first the person who's got the right to speak is the
bride's representative, which is her uncle. So he said, Okay, what
do you think? So he says, okay, you know what? I agree that it
should be the Malfatti. Me,
which is about
eight $900 today.
Right? It didn't start at 100,000 Hamdulillah. And come down to you
know, so you could the groom, you could just see son, as
you know, it was now one of my older older friends who was there.
We said, Okay, are you sure? said yes. I'm 100%. Sure. Right. We
asked the father, I usual
because although he's not the representative, technically, he's
the representative but the father, he's got to honor issue. Are you
Are you okay? It is. Yeah, I'm okay. Right. Um, okay. So, a
friend of ours, he says, Look, you need to make sure that the Father
is okay. Because if he's not, then he's gonna cause a problem later,
that no, you didn't do it. Right. You know, now he's the father said
he's okay. Right. It was difficult, but it was okay. Al
Hamdulillah Al Hamdulillah, we managed to resolve it in half an
hour. Right? That's the ease of the Sunnah.
So the marriage payment should be stipulated beforehand, and the
person performing the ceremony should be informed of this amount.
So it could be stated, in the Nikka ceremony, it should be
stated to it's clear that this is it. Now, if you did not mention,
or even
negotiate a method of payment amounts, the marriage would still
be done.
Right? But what payment would be necessary, then?
They're the what they call the Merrill methyl comes in. If
there's nothing mentioned, the manual method comes in what's the
modern method? Modern method essentially, is the default amount
that would become automatically stipulated because no marriage can
be done without Amara is the way Allah is protected. The women that
you want to get married, you must give him or her? How much? If you
can't negotiate anything between you, then it's going to be modern
method and modern method is basically the average mother that
the women of the wife's family received. So her sisters, her
mother, mother, her Auntie's, what is the average that they generally
receive? That's going to become automatic?
Do you understand it was like around 5000? That's automatic.
Obviously, the murder of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam
called Muhammad as urge the marriage dowry that he's been
known to have given the wives his wives.
That and the Mahara 30, Maria, although the matter of Fatima,
there's the difference of opinion, exactly. And anybody who's wants
to know this in detail, there's lots of good articles about this.
And I've got it in detail written in Handbook of a healthy Muslim
marriage. And you but it's approximately between, right now.
It's between 700 to 900 pounds, approximately less than 1000
pounds.
A woman can ask for anything she wants. And it's up to the husband,
the groom to accept
but it's not a good idea to do that. Now, in some cases, it may
be a good idea to make that as an if you're, if you're worried that
this guy he's known to just marry and then give a divorce and run
away and then leave the woman without anything and she makes a
big investment you know? So in that case, you could have a safety
net. So you could have a some people split the Mahara the dowry
into two sections.
The more agile and the marker.
So right now you give 700 pounds, 500 pounds, 100 pounds, whatever,
$100, whatever.
And the marker is defer delayed on credit.
That could be, again, $5,010. Some people say 40,000, whatever, as
long as you agree, and it's reasonable.
That will only become necessary if there's a divorce or if there's
death. So if the husband dies, or the husband divorces the wife,
then that will become necessary. I would only suggest that in some,
some people just have that in their culture, that's normal in
their culture, some Middle Eastern countries have that in their
culture. It's not the sunnah to do that. But it's not against the
Sunnah, if there's a reason to do it, I just personally would advise
not doing that by default, unless the woman is at risk to preserve
her. That's why some massages in the UK insist that you get a
a marriage government marriage permit, before the shake will do
the NECA has well, because what's happening is that many people are
getting married, they're deceiving the women to get married to them,
and then they just disappear. The woman has no recourse because
there's no civil marriage registered in a non Muslim
country. In a Muslim country, I think everything has to be
registered in many Muslim countries, but in a non Muslim
country, it's not like that. So then they just run away. Now, if
your women are in doubt about this, you should insist on
registration. Because there's a lot of men especially you're doing
secret, Nicholson, that you should be very careful, because I've seen
so many cases where young women, young girls 1819 2023 24, and they
get married to somebody, sometimes even a second wives, and then the
guy just disappears. So you need a sense of security, because for the
guy, it's easy, he just disappears. He doesn't even have
to divorce you he can marry up to three more technically, whereas
the girl she can only be married to one person. So if eaten
disappears, and you don't have a divorce, you're stuck, then you
have to go to a Sharia court and try to get the dissolution first
and all the rest of it is too complicated. So generally, women
have to be much more careful about Be careful about anything that is
not ordinary. Number six, the bride should preferably appoint a
representative
to conduct her negotiations and so on. Such as I mean, of course,
there will be such as her father, uncle, brother or any other elder
to represent her, the representative, the representative
should be present in the gate. Now this is talking about the actual
Nikka day, this is not talking about
negotiations in the the woman herself, and the man can speak
together. Right. But this is where you have to be very careful. You
don't want to meet privately. And privately today is even in a
coffee shop.
Unless you've got your father brother or somebody there. Because
a lot of people think if you're in a coffee shop, you're in the
public, but public in Western countries, liberal countries is
that let every believer is leave them alone, let them do what they
want. Even if they're sitting a low ping kissing, nobody's gonna
say anything. Right? Nobody's gonna tell you Please can you just
cover yourself? We're gonna do it at home, if you what I'm saying.
So
that's not really an excuse. Preferably always with somebody
has. And the reason is that you don't want to get emotionally
attached. It's not healthy for you.
You don't want to get emotionally attached. Because you could get
emotionally attached and then nothing works out and then you're
emotionally you're in trouble. So that's why preferably always with
somebody else, keep it formal so that you don't get into any
informality or any other weird kind of relationship in that
because just wait. Somebody just wait to get more Baraka.
So now on the day of the Nikka, even Hadiya didn't she was older
than the professor lesson by 15 years. 25 years, 4015 years. But
she sent a representative even though she had hired him before
the marriage, she had hired him to do trade for her and found out
wow, she is I mean, he's mashallah very,
very trustworthy. So then she sent a proposal through a common
person. She didn't say to him, hey, I want to marry you.
Preferably not, not to say that. If somebody if that's the only way
for some people to do it, it will work. But it's best to always go
through somebody to keep a buffer to keep a buffer until you're
married. Then take everybody out of your relationship and just you
too, you know.
So according to now, you have to remember the representative of the
wife should be present in the meeting so she makes somebody
around
presented her uncle, her brother, her father,
to basically do the job and COBOL on her behalf to do the offer and
acceptance on her behalf. That's the best way to do it. The wife
could technically do it herself. Right? But according to the Hanafi
school, the concept of an adult woman is necessary. And without
that she cannot be married off by her father or guardian that even
the Father doesn't is not allowed to marry off his daughter, who's
mature woman, right? He's not allowed to marry her off without
her consent.
If he did, says, I'm going to just going to do a nickel, it doesn't
tell her. If you come along and say like, I'm gonna marry you to
my daughter. You said you're absolutely right. When she finds
out if she rejects it, the marriage is broken. But it doesn't
work. He says, Yeah, he's not a bad guy. Okay, fine. As a good
gift you gave me Bismillah then it's okay.
The Prophet sallallahu sallam said, a virgin is not to be
married off until her permission is sought. So they asked how would
you get her permission? said her silence.
So generally you expect virgin women to not be like, Yeah,
wonderful. Absolutely. Right. I've been that is the guy wanted.
Generally, they're going to be like, a an embarrassed smile. So
that means yes. Don't force them to say yes. Unless it's unless
they see their facial expression is a horrific, like what are you
doing? But they're so fearful of their father or whatever, then
that is not considered to be an acceptance. Okay, number seven,
when the bride appoints a representative, you know, before
the nickel ceremony, two people might huncle her brother,
somebody's going to come to and say can we, you know, make me the
father representative to conduct your Nikka. In the Shafi school is
different. He doesn't need her to make him or every because he has
the right to marry her off. So in the Shafi school, there's a
Filipina muda Hibiya difference for the Shafi school, he doesn't
have to take permission from her, he can marry her off, as long as
she's not been married before he's got the right to do that. Right.
But in the Hanafi school, because you have to take a permission, you
have to go and say, even though you're preparing everything for
the marriage, everybody knows you have to say do you make me the
reference to do your Nikka in the masjid this Friday, right?
Tomorrow, today, whatever it is, to such and such a person? And she
says, Yes, preferably not necessary preferable to have two
witnesses there.
Why? Because he goes and does the Nika and later on that day, she
says, I didn't tell you. So that's why you need the witnesses.
Otherwise, it's not necessary. Number eight, once everybody's
together in the masjid, so imagine this is a marriage ceremony.
Right? Who's gonna who wants to get married? We'll do it.
You're gonna get married?
You're about to say yes, when you.
Okay.
We're not here for marriage making or matchmaking. So unfortunately,
not. But
when you're all together, you've got the groom. You've got the, the
father or the brother, the uncle for the wife side, right? If the
wife is even there, that's fine. If they've got, you know, if
they've got the facility in the masjid and the wife is, the bride
is even there. The rest of the fact that's fine, but here
officially, her father is representing her for example. And
then you have the two witnesses, and then you can have more people
sitting there. Then the imam or whoever it is will be will recite
the hot virtual Hajj, which I explained earlier. And this
includes obviously the three verses of Taqwa from Saudi Arabia,
Imran Nyssa, and Aza and they may add a few Hadith or some nnessee,
whatever the case is, as you see, but it's not necessary, right? And
then
he will basically ask the representative that do you give?
Do you give approval, consent to your daughter, your sister,
whoever Her name is marriage to such and such a person you
mentioned him by name.
And this person will say, He will ask them the person are you
agreeing to marry such and such a person in your marry with this
much dowry amount in front of the witnesses? And he'll say yes, is
done. Now, there are technicalities here in the way it
can be done, it can be done slightly differently, as long as
the conditions are fulfilled. And that is fine. You must make the
person say I accept her and people should hear the name of the bride.
Because
if it's do you accept to marry her and there's no discussion about
her, he could turn around say I didn't accept her, you know, or
something like that. So just the names have to be mentioned, or
people should know who we're talking about.
So generally, they will make the groom say qabil to her, I accept
her there's a witch to her. Right and marry her. Naka to her, you
know, you don't have to say all words, you can say anything to
accept that. Yes, I've accepted and it must be done in an absolute
way. Not that
Um, I will marry her. Like in the future, then that's not accepted.
It has to be like
a term of certainty. I've married her, I've accepted her.
Number 10. The Imam and everybody else should then make the
following dua BarakAllahu lick or Baraka, Lake, WA Jama Albania
coma.
May Allah bless you have His blessing descend upon you and
unite you together in goodness, as rated by him until maybe, then he
could do more two hours or whatever. And then
then after that, whatever you want to do is all culture, it's up to
you, you know, you can meet one another, you can meet and greet
the groom and greet the father and all the rest of it. Everything
else that the husband's family is now responsible to give every
member of the bride's family a pair of clothes, different
cultures have different things, although that is not necessary.
There's only one thing which I understand. In some cultures, when
you get married the man he gives a model.
But he's also told to give like three or five pairs of clothing
for the wife. I used to think that was pure culture. But actually,
that could be Islamic. I don't know, do you guys have that in
your culture where you have to give them clothing, but the
culture of giving your wife clothing before the marriage,
where it comes from? I figured it out is that it's not your culture.
Once your wife becomes yours, it's your responsibility for
everything. So she should not be obliged to come even with her own
clothes. See, what I'm saying? That you pay for her clothes is
when you showing like this or three pairs or five pairs advanced
clothes that you're going to come into the marriage with. You are
not obligated. Can you see how much Allah has kept the man's
responsibility in a wave just comes back to her body. That's it,
you come, we'll pay you we'll give you everything. But unfortunately,
all of this is lost in the feminist narrative. All of this is
lost. Nobody worries about this. In some families, in some
cultures, they give a Mahara mom and then have a gold amount
separate.
So I generally tell people like why don't just make it all Mahara?
Why you call it something else?
And then somebody will say we give that goal to us. Some say we give
it as a gift, lots of communication, lots of confusion,
it needs to be very clear as to who's is what. So that's it. Now
in the marriage contract, you can have a written contract. It's good
to have a marriage contract. But it's not necessary. Obviously, as
long as people know, then you're Nikka your marriage but sometimes
you will need a marriage contract for legal purposes. Right.
What I want to talk about now quickly, the next point before I
take a few questions is
the first night once you get married
Have you noticed that when a couple now get married, because
after this gathering, they're huddled for one another? How long
did it take? I know it took me long to explain it but how long
did the job and Qubool take
the offer and acceptance the gathering where the Imam how long?
How long does it take two minutes? It could take one minute and
that's it halal now
you know when you as a groom say I accept
it's a big thing. It's like suddenly everything that's haram
now becomes halal for you
not everything but those things within marriage it become halal
for you it's a very important it's a very important I do or I accept
now what happens in cultures is that the girl will be taken and
they will get ready her ready and then these big functions and
everything and the poor guy doesn't get to see her until the
night when she's all tired. Right you know that's why think outside
the box. And if however you want to organize this that's up to you
all the rest of this is now culture. The only other thing
which is there's a few things which is Sunnah,
sunnah in the sense that the Prophet sallallahu sallam, he took
his daughter to it to the Allah one.
Again, that's based on convenience, whatever you can do
is not necessary for them. He then sat between them on the bed and he
basically gave them some advice. Right that's mentioned as well.
Another thing is
the word EMA. That's a sunnah. And the word Ema is only one OB shot
is the man's responsibility, not the girl's responsibility. If the
girls if the girl's family just basically let her go and do the
Nica and everything. They don't have to pay any money for anything
else.
But generally, in many cultures, the tradition is that when you get
married generally first the wife's family they will feed everybody.
That's fine if they want to do that. Then the husband will do the
feeding after he gets his wife. After if spend tonight which is
is understandable because walima is to thank Allah for the blessing
that he's given you of now being able to be with your wife.
It's a it's a vote of thanks almost, what email, that's what
you call a walima. Generally, a walima, according to many scholars
cannot be done or should not is not sooner to be done before
you've been alone with your wife.
Do you see what I'm saying? It's about thanking Allah after you've
been with your wife. Now to give you an email walima
as I said, could be given for five people, two people, 100 people,
whatever is easy and convenient for you four out of your goodwill,
I'm so excited that I'm I want to feed 500 people, that's fine. As
long as it's not for the wrong reason. But it's the man's
responsibility. Of course, if the bright side says that, look, let's
just have one, we want to feed as well. We don't want to have two
sessions, two receptions, two programs, let's join together and
do it. That would be fine as well. That will be a de contribute some
men, a lot of people are doing that now. Personally, I just I
would like it that I do my walima because it's a matter of my son
that I want to do it, right. What happens in long engagements and
not long engagements when you get married, but you're only going to
be together later on.
You know, when you get married, and then you're going to be
together later on.
Or sometimes people get married in a very low key Nikka they just get
married.
But because some uncle is not present or some brother is not
present, they're going to do the big reception afterwards. Public
you know. So what I generally suggest there is that that won't
be available anymore because you've already been with your wife
for a few months. So as soon as you get married and you've been
with your wife, you just feed a few people whatever to follow the
Sunnah. Let's call a few friends, take them out for dinner,
whatever. This is my walima done sooner than what a man should also
be done within 123 Maximum like four days.
Do you understand? A walima has to be done straightaway.
After you've been consumated with your wife
after a month that's not a walima it doesn't mean that you can't
feed but it's not already. Ma the Sunnah is to do it as soon as
possible.